Legally Blonde

Elle:
And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.

Elle:
The rules of hair care are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would have known.

Elle:
I just don't think that Brooke could've done this. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't kill their husbands, they just don't.

Vivian:
Nice costume.

Elle:
You too. Except when I dress up as a frigid b*tch, I try not to look so constipated.

Elle:
Hi. I'm Elle Woods and this is Bruiser Woods. We're both Gemini vegetarians.

Boutique Saleswoman:
There's nothing I love better than a dumb blonde with Daddy's plastic.

Elle:
I'm studying the LSAT's

Serena:
My cousin had that once. Apparently you get a really bad rash on your...

Elle:
I don't need back-ups. I'm going to Harvard.

C.U.L.A. Advisor:
Well then, you'll need excellent recommendations from your professors.

Elle:
Okay.

C.U.L.A. Advisor:
And a heck of an admissions essay.

Elle:
Right.

C.U.L.A. Advisor:
And at least a 175 on your LSATs.

Elle:
I once had to judge a tighty-whitey contest for Lambda Kappa Pi. Trust me, I can handle anything.

Elle's Mother:
Honey, you were First Runner-Up at the "Miss Hawaiian Tropics" contest. Why are you going to throw that all away?

Elle:
Going to Harvard is the only way I'm going to get the love of my life back.

Elle's Father:
Oh, sweetheart, you don't need law school. Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious. And you, button, are none of those things.

Brooke:
You know a Delta Nu would never sleep with a man who wears a thong.

Elle:
I know.

Brooke:
I just liked to watch him change the filter.

Warner Huntington III:
If I want to be elected Senator by the time I'm 30, I need to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn.

Elle:
Did you see him? He's probably still scratching his head.

Paulette:
Yeah, which must be a nice vacation for his balls.

Elle:
I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life.

Elle:
I object.

Emmett:
I can't believe you just called me a butthead. I don't think anybody has called me a butthead since the 9th grade.

Elle:
Maybe not to your face.

Elle:
Uh. I'm sorry. I just hallucinated.

Elle:
Oh Warner, do you remember when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub together after winter formal?

Warner Huntington III:
Uhh, ye... no

Elle:
Well this is so much better than that. Excuse me, I have some shopping to do.

Warner Huntington III:
Pooh bear, just get in the car.

Elle:
No.

Warner Huntington III:
You're gonna ruin your shoes.

Elle:
Okay.

Professor Callahan:
Do you think she woke up one morning and said: I think I'll go to law school today.

Warner Huntington III:
You got into Harvard Law?

Elle:
What? Like, it's hard?

Paulette:
Is she as pretty as you?

Elle:
She could use some mascara and some serious highlights, but otherwise, she's not completely unfortunate looking.

Elle:
Because I'm not a Vanderbilt, suddenly I'm white trash? I grew up in Bel Air, Warner. Across the street from Aaron Spelling. I think most people would agree that's a lot better than some stinky old Vanderbilt.

Elle:
You're breaking up with me because I'm too... blonde.

Paulette:
So what's a girl to do? He's a guy who followed his pecker to greener pastures. I'm a middle aged, high school drop out with stretch marks and a fat ass.

Elle:
This is what I need to become.

Old Lady at Manicurist:
What? Practically deformed?

Elle:
No, a law student.

Enrique Salvatore:
Don't stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.

Elle:
These aren't last season!

Professor Stromwell:
If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life... you're not the girl I thought you were.

Professor Callahan:
Let the blood bath begin.

Elle:
Bend and snap.

Maurice:
Oh, my God, the bend and snap works every time!

Elle:
It has come to my attention that the maintenance staff is switching our toilet paper from Charmin... to generic. All those opposed to chafing, please say "Aye".

Warner Huntington III:
How was your first class?

Elle:
Oh, it was okay, except for this horrible preppy girl who tried to make me look bad in front of the professor, but no biggie.

Emmett:
Did you take Mrs. Windham on a date?

Enrique Salvatore:
Yes.

Emmett:
Where?

Enrique Salvatore:
A restaurant out of town, where no one would recognize us.

Emmett:
How long have you been sleeping with Brooke?

Enrique Salvatore:
Three months.

Emmett:
And your boyfriend's name is...

Enrique Salvatore:
Chuck.

Emmett:
Right.

Enrique Salvatore:
No, I'm sorry. I thought you said friend; Chuck is just a friend.

Chuck:
YOU B*TCH.

Elle:
All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big b*obs.

Elle:
Don't ask.

Emmett:
Wasn't gonna.

Margot:
Here, you're gonna need this.

Elle:
Your scrunchie?

Margot:
My LUCKY scrunchie. It helped me pass Spanish.

Serena:
You passed Spanish because you gave Professor Montoya a lap dance after the final.

Margot:
Yeah... Luckily!

Warner Huntington III:
Hey well don't you look like a walking felony.

Elle:
Thanks, you're so sweet.

Elle:
Warner, what kind of shoes are these?

Warner Huntington III:
Umm... black ones.

Serena:
Oh, look, there's Elle!

Margot:
Elle, we came to see your trial and look! There's like a judge and everything!

Serena:
VOTE FOR ELLE!

The Honorable Marina R. Bickford:
Ladies, take a seat!

Paulette:
So What does this Vivian got that you don't got, three tits?

Elle:
Curls weren't a good look for her. She didn't have your bone structure.

Elle:
That's great, Paulette.. is that *all* the interaction you two have had?

Paulette:
No! Sometimes I say “okay” instead of “fine”.

Warner Huntington III:
Excuse me, are you hear to see me?

Elle:
No,silly. I go here!

Elle:
Is that low-viscosity rayon? With a half-loop stitching on the hem? It’s impossible to have a half-loop stitching on low-viscosity rayon. It would snag the fabric. And you didn’t just get that in - I saw it in the June Vogue of last year. So if you're trying to sell it to me for full price, you've got the wrong girl.

Elle:
I promised her, and I can't break the bonds of sisterhood.

Professor Callahan:
Screw sisterhood! This is a murder investigation!

Warner:
Elle, if I'm gonna be a senator by the time I'm 30, I need to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn.

Elle:
So, you're breaking up with me because I'm too... blonde?

Warner:
No, that's not entirely true—

Elle:
Then what? My b*obs are too big?

[Everyone in the resturant hears this and turns to their table]

Warner:
[whispers] Your b*obs are fine.

[Elle is looking at a magazine and sees a picture of Warner's older brother and his fiancée]

Elle:
Oh, my God! Do you know who this is?

Old Lady:
No.

Elle:
That’s Warner's older brother.

Old Lady:
Who?

[Elle reads article about Warner's brother and his fiancée]

Elle:
This is the type of girl Warner wants to marry. This is what I need to become to be serious.

Old Lady:
What? Practically deformed?

Elle:
No... a law student.

Elle:
So, if you don't know an answer, they're just gonna kick you out?

Emmett:
So, you have Stromwell, huh?

Elle:
Yes. Did she do that to you, too?

Emmett:
No, but she did make me cry once.... not in class — I waited until I got back to my room, but yeah, she'll kick you right in the balls.... or wherever.

Professor Callahan:
Would you rather have a client who committed a crime malum in se or malum prohibitum?

Elle:
Neither.

Professor Callahan:
And why's that?

Elle:
I would rather have a client who's innocent.

Professor Callahan:
Dare to dream, Miss Woods. Miss Kensington, which would you prefer?

Vivian:
Malum prohibitum, because then the client would have committed a regulatory infraction as opposed to a dangerous crime.

Professor Callahan:
Well done, Miss Kensington. It's obvious you've done your homework. Now, let's look at malum prohibitum a little more closely. It has been said-- [Elle raises her hand] Yes, Miss Woods?

Elle:
I changed my mind. I'll take the dangerous one, because I'm not afraid of a challenge.

(In the checkout line at an electronics store, Emmett encounters Elle, dressed in a Playboy bunny suit, waiting to buy a laptop.)

Emmett:
(clears throat)

Elle:
Don't ask.

Emmett:
Wasn't gonna.

David:
I called your room last night; I was wondering if we could go out some time.

Girl:
No.

David:
Why?

Girl:
Because you're a dork. Girls like me don't go out with guys like you.

Elle:
Excuse me. [turns around and slaps David] Why didn't you call me? We spent a beautiful night together, and I haven't heard from you since.

David:
[pause] I'm sorry?

Elle:
Sorry for what? For breaking my heart, or for giving me the greatest pleasure I've ever known and just taking it away?

David:
Both?

Elle:
Well, forget it. I've spent too much time crying over you.

Girl:
[after Elle has walked off] So, when did you wanna go out?

Serena:
Oh, my God, there she is! Elle!

Margot:
Elle, we came to see your trial!

Serena:
Oh, look! How cute! There's, like, a judge and everything.... and jury people.

Margot:
Vote for Elle!

The Honorable Marina R. Bickford:
Ladies, take a seat!

[Elle is waiting in line at the water fountain, where Enrique Salvatore is taking too long. Elle taps her foot impatiently.]

Enrique Salvatore:
Don't stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.

Elle:
These aren't last season.... [looks down, gasps, and runs back into court room] He's gay! Enrique is gay!

Elle:
[Explaining how no straight man knows designers] Warner, what kind of shoes are these?

Warner Huntington III:
Um.... black ones.

Emmett:
Did you take Mrs. Windham on a date?

Enrique Salvatore:
Yes.

Emmett:
Where?

Enrique Salvatore:
A restaurant in Concord, where no one could recognize us.

Emmett:
How long have you been sleeping with Mrs. Windham?

Enrique Salvatore:
Three months.

Emmett:
And your boyfriend's name is....?

Enrique Salvatore:
Chuck.

Emmett:
Right.

[Everyone gasps/laughs]

Enrique Salvatore:
Pardon me; pardon me.

Emmett:
Yes, Mr. Salvatore?

Enrique Salvatore:
I was confused. I thought you said “friend”. Chuck is just a friend.

Emmett:
Oh.

Chuck:
[leaving the courtroom] YOU B*TCH!

Enrique:
[standing up] Chuck, wait!

Elle:
Chutney, why is it that Tracy Marcinko's curls were ruined when she got hosed down?

Chutney Windham:
Because they got wet.

Elle:
Exactly. Because isn't it the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to wet your hair for at least twenty-four hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the ammonium thioglycolate?

Chutney Windham:
Yes.

Elle:
And wouldn't somebody who's had, say, thirty perms before in their life be well aware of this rule? And if in fact, you weren't washing your hair, as I suspect you weren't because your curls are still intact, wouldn't you have heard the gunshot? And if in fact, you had heard the gunshot, Brooke Windham wouldn't have had time to hide the gun before you got downstairs. Which would mean that you would have had to found Mrs. Windham with a gun in her hand to make your story plausible. Isn't that right?

Chutney Windham:
She's my age! Did she tell you that? How would you feel if your father married someone who was your age?

Elle:
You, however, had time to hide the gun, didn't you Chutney? After you shot your father.

Chutney Windham:
[in tears] I didn't mean to shoot him! [points at Brooke] I thought it was YOU walking through the door!

[Courtroom audience gasps]

Judge:
Order, order! Order!

Elle:
Oh, my god.

Brooke:
Oh, my god.

Judge:
Oh, my god.

Judge:
Bailiff, take the witness into custody where she will be charged for the murder of Heyworth Windham. In the matter of The State vs. Brooke Windham, this case is dismissed. Mrs. Windham, you are free to go.

[Courtroom audience cheers]

[Guards grab Miss Windham by the arm and arrest her.]

[Emmett and Vivian are visiting Brooke in jail. When Vivian makes a rude comment about Elle and Callahan, Emmett is displeased with her unprofessional behavior, as he knew the whole truth about Callahan's advances on Elle.]

Emmett:
(to Vivian) You have no idea what you're talking about.

Brooke:
What's going on?

Emmett:
Elle quit. Callahan hit on her so she quit.

Brooke:
Oh my god. Scumbag.

Vivian:
(realizes her mistake in wrongfully accusing Elle of something she didn't do) Oh God.

Brooke:
What?

Vivian:
I feel so terrible, I made a huge mistake.

Emmett:
Well there's something we can do about it.

Vivian:
You know, I'm still shocked that you didn't give Callahan the alibi.

Elle:
It wasn't my alibi to tell.

Vivian:
I know, I thought that was very... classy of you.

[After being escorted into the courtroom by the bailiff, Brooke smiles at Callahan intently after learning the truth from Emmett.]

Callahan:
What are you so happy about? You're on trial for murder.

Brooke:
Get up.

Callahan:
What?

Brooke:
You're fired. I have new representation.

Callahan:
Who?!

[Callahan is shocked when Elle returns to the courtroom escorted by Dorky Dave.]

Vivian:
[about Warner] You know when he first applied for Harvard, he got wait-listed. He got in because his father had to make a call.

[Elle was shocked by this because she got in with a convincing video essay, while Warner had to be put in a waiting list for transfer students.]

[After watching Elle's video essay, many of the Harvard's faculty looked a bit dismayed, especially the head of admissions]

Admissions Rep 1:
She does have a 4.0 from CULA and she got a 179 on LSATs.

Head of Admissions:
Fashion major?

Admissions Rep 1:
Well sir we've never had one before and aren't we always looking for diversity?

[Another Admissions representative looks through Elle's portfolio]

Admissions Rep 2:
Her list of extra-curricular activities is impressive.

Head of Admissions:
She was in a Ricky Martin video.

Admissions Rep 1:
Clearly, she's interested in music.

Head of Admissions:
She also designed a line of faux-fur panties for her sorority's charity project.

Admissions Rep 1:
Uh huh, she's a friend to the animals as well as a philanthropist.

Head of Admissions:
Elle Woods. [pauses] Welcome to Harvard.

Professor Stromwell [writing on the board]:
"Law is reason, free from passion." Does anyone know who wrote those immortal words?

David [raising his hand]:
Aristotle.

Professor Stromwell [approaching him]:
Are you sure?

David:
Yes.

Professor Stromwell:
Would you be willing to stake your life on that?

David [thoughtful pause]:
I think so.

Professor Stromwell:
And what about...[pokes random student with her pointer] his life?

David [nervously]:
I...I don't know.

Professor Stromwell:
I recommend knowing before speaking. The law leaves much room for interpretation, but very little room for self-doubt. [faint smile] And you were right. It was Aristotle.

Elle Woods:
He's engaged! She's got the six-carat Harry Winston on her bony, unpolished finger.

Elle Woods:
I'll show you how valuable Elle Woods can be!

Elle Woods:
[to Warner] I've been waiting for a long time for you to say that. But if I'm going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I'm 30, I need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead.

Elle Woods:
[Speaking at the class graduation as valedictorian in Harvard.] On my very first day at Harvard, a very wise professor quoted Aristotle, "The law is reason free from passion"; Well, no offence to Aristotle, but in my three years at Harvard, I have come to find passion is the key ingredient to the study and practice of law, and of life. It is with passion, courage of conviction, and strong sense of self that we take our next steps into the world. Remembering that first impressions are not always correct, you must always have faith in people, and most importantly you must always have faith in yourself. Congratulations, Class of 2004... [excited] We did it!

Emmett Forrest:
You know, being a blonde is actually a pretty powerful thing. You hold more cards than you think you do. And I, for one, would like to see you take that power and channel it toward the greater good, you know?

Paulette Bonafonté:
Could I have been anymore goddamn spastic?

Paulette Bonafonté:
[to her ex-husband] I'm takin' the dog, Dumbass!

Elle's father:
Law school is for people who are boring, and ugly, and…serious. And you, Button, are none of those things.

Aaron Mitchell:
I was first in my class at Princeton, I have an I.Q. of a hundred and eighty-seven, and it's been suggested that Stephen Hawking stole his Brief History of Time…from my fourth grade paper.

Professor Stromwell:
A legal education means you will learn to speak in a new language. You will be taught to achieve insight into the world around you. And to sharply question what you know.