Cindy:
That reminds me, I have a joke: I heard Michael Jackson went shopping at K-Mart because there was a sale! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Christy:
You messed it up, dumbbell! He went shopping at K-Mart because he heard little boys' pants were half off.

Cindy:
Mmm, these fries are good.

Cindy:
Can I have some? These are good!

Christy:
Cindy, I thought you were supposed to, um, lose weight.

Cindy:
LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!

Announcer:
And now it's time for "The Dark Side with Nat X"! The only show on TV written by a brother, produced by a brother, and strictly for a brother. Now get ready for a man who's so black he urinates oil, cause here comes Nat!

Nat X:
Hey, brothers and sisters, welcome to "The Dark Side." I'm Nat X. The only 15 minute show on TV. Why only 15 minutes? Because if the show was any longer, The Man would have to pay me.

Jeff Daniels:
Yes.

Jeff Daniels:
Yes, I was in that scene. I remember.

Roseanne:
He gets under your skin like a chigger.

Dick Clark's Secretary:
I heard that.

Announcer:
Marcus Malone says, "That's one (beep)ed up magic show!"

Roseanne:
I have my own TV show, you know, like Bill Cosby.

Dick Clark's Secretary:
Right and he is...?

Roseanne:
A TV star like me. A TV where an electron gun sends electron particles out gray tube and they travel over the airwaves through a satellite then back down to earth in an electronic box that unscrambles them so people can sit and stare at them.

Dick Clark's Secretary:
I'm no sucker for sarcasm. I only watch PBS, you'll have to forgive me.

David Spade:
Now one with the Chinese symbol, what's that one mean?

David Spade:
Montel Williams?

David Spade:
You remember where you were when JFK was assassinated?

David Spade:
Okay, you remember where you were when WAM broke up?

David Spade:
Did you see that talking pig movie?

David Spade:
You didn't see The Net?

Nat X:
I'm talkin' about The Man that says if a bride wears a white wedding dress, she looks like a virgin, but if a bride wears a black wedding dress, she looks like a hooker. I'm talking about the same Man that owns a company called Black & Decker. Now I don't know what's wrong with that, I'm just mad that they used the word 'black' without my permission.

Nat X:
Now it's time for viewer mail. Sandman, come read me a letter!

Nat X:
Oh that's easy. All the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, he wasn't black, but he sure got treated like he was.

Opera Man:
Demi Moore-ah salaria twelve million por next movie. Four million for her acting, four million for each-a booby.

David Spade:
Michael Bolton, big star, popular musician, guess what? You're bald and we all know it. I don't care how long you grow your hair in the back but we all know what's happening on top. I know you sold nine million albums but guess what? I don't know anyone who's got one.

David Spade:
Latoya Jackson. Latoya, out of all the Jackson's, how screwed up do you have to be to be known as the crazy one?

David Spade:
Steve Martin. What about Leap of Faith? I was going to see it but I was sick that day.

David Spade:
Well I finally sat through The Bodyguard and: Iiiiiiiii-eee-iiiiiii-want my money back!

David Spade:
Macaulay Culkin. Hi. First of all, your dad's nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something kid, you're cute, you got blonde hair, everyone loves you, it's true. Here's the catch: I used to look exactly like you when I was 10. Oh yeah. This is where you're headed, buddy, welcome to hell!

Chris Farley:
What did you say?

Adam Sandler:
I'm gonna waiting for you outside in the terminal.

Adam Sandler:
No there's more, I'm gonna pound your face in.

Adam Sandler:
I'M GONNA KICK THE CRAP OUTTA YOU!

Richard the Copy Guy:
Tom! Tommy! The Tomster! Tom-Man. Tom Tom!

Richard the Copy Guy:
The Tomster, makin' copies! Mr. Tom! Tom-E!

Richard the Copy Guy:
Bill! Bill-ay! The billster! Bill-Man! Billy Bill Bill!

Richard the Copy Guy:
Randy! The Randster! Only one copy for the Randman! Randy!

Richard the Copy Guy:
Sting! Stinglehopper! Makin' copies. The McStingster! Stingatola! Sting! Stingalingaling ding dong!