Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story:
I am the same Sam Grunion who solved the international uranium-mining swindle. Scotland Yard was baffled; the FBI was baffled. They sent for me and the case was solved immediately: I confessed.

Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story:
Here's another Broadway hopeful: Faustino the Great. For 20 years he was an organ grinder with a monkey. Then one day the monkey went on strike. He wanted shorter hours and longer bananas.

Faustino the Great:
Look, Mr. Lyons, I know you wanna make a good impression, but please - don't play better than me.

Faustino the Great:
How long you study music?

Mr. Lyons:
Fifteen years.

Faustino the Great:
Fifteen. You know, two more years, you could've been a plumber.

Faustino the Great:
Nevermind the pianissimo. I'm gonna make it very simple for you: we play it allegro pizzicato. That's what-a you call 'em, high-class Carnegie Hall stuff. You know allegro pizzicato?

Mr. Lyons:
No.

Faustino the Great:
You know Jimmy Pizzicato?

Mr. Lyons:
No.

Faustino the Great:
None of the Pizzicatos?

Mr. Lyons:
No.

Faustino the Great:
What *do* you know?

Mr. Lyons:
I know pistachio.

Faustino the Great:
Pistachio!