Jack Parkman:
What do you call that garbage?

Rick Vaughn:
It's my eliminator. I've got another pitch. You get a piece of it, I'll let you name it.

Jack Parkman:
I'd, uh, call it the masturbator.

Rube Baker:
Women: you can't live with them, and they can't pee standing up.

Rube Baker:
Hey, Cerrano. I'm on the rooster.

Jake Taylor:
Rube, you look at Playboy all the time, don't you?

Rube Baker:
I don't just look at it. I read the articles.

Jake Taylor:
Sure you do.

Rube Baker:
I do. I especially like it when they mention the girls' interests, like Betsy loves surfing.

Jake Taylor:
You even memorize them?

Rube Baker:
Yep. I guess I do.

Jake Taylor:
Bingo.

Jack Parkman:
I'm the only winner on this team. The rest of 'em, they're losers. Either by choice, or by birth.

Rube Baker:
Man, Hayes has some power.

Lou Brown:
Of a guy who'll be bagging groceries in a couple of weeks.

Harry Doyle:
You know, he could be pointing at the left fielder.

Rick Vaughn:
I did.

Roger Dorn:
As General Manager of this team, I demand to know when I'm getting a start.

Jake Taylor:
There's an old timer's game coming soon.

Lou Brown:
Come on, you're not going to let her get you down, are you? You guys won last year just to spite her. Maybe, she's what we need.

Jake Taylor:
Oh, Skip, they were a different team last year.

Lou Brown:
Taylor, it's not your job to make excuses. that's all you guys do good. it's either a leg thing or a spiritual thing, or a psychological thing, or a heart attack.

Jake Taylor:
Who used heart attack?

Lou Brown:
Me. (collapses from a heart attack)

Jake:
Aw skip they were a different team last year.

Lou:
Taylor. Quit making excuses for them. That's all you guys do good. It's either a leg thing, a spiritual thing, a psychological thing, or a heart attack.

Jake:
Who used heart attack?

Lou:
Me.

Harry Doyle:
Well he's gonna walk Beck to pitch to Parkman obviously Taylor's thinking... I don't know WHAT the hell he's thinking.

Tanaka:
You have no... you have no... marbles. You have no marbles.

Cerrano:
Marbles? Huevos?

Harry Doyle:
So a tough loss for the Indians as Pedro Cerrano doubles off a pigeon and is tagged out while administering CPR before the tying run could score. Funny game ain't it Monty?

Monte:
Well at least the bird survived.

Harry Doyle:
Who cares? It's a rat with wings.

Rube Baker:
Mr. Parkman, your a great ballplayer and I just like to say, your standing on the tracks and the train's coming through butthead.

Rick Vaughn:
Oh, yeah? Name one park in America that ball wouldn't have gone out of.

Nikki Reese:
Yellowstone.

Rube Baker:
My momma always said, "It's better to eat shit than to not eat at all."

Johnny:
Vile thing, you make my butt sting!! I detest you!! You're all garbage, all of ya!! Back up the truck, back it up!!