Narrator:
Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.

Narrator:
Most parents believe their children are the most beautiful creatures ever to grace the planet. Others take a less emotional approach:

Harry Wormwood:
What a waste of time!

Zinnia Wormwood:
And painful!

Harry Wormwood:
And expensive... $9.25 for a bar of soap?

Zinnia Wormwood:
Well, I had to take a shower, Harry!

Harry Wormwood:
$5,000? I'm not paying it! What are they going to do, repossess the kid?

Zinnia Wormwood:
Look, Miss Snit, a girl does not get anywhere by acting intelligent! I mean, take a look at you and me. You chose books - I chose looks. I have a nice house, a wonderful husband... and you are slaving away teaching snot-nosed children their ABCs. You want Matilda to go to college? Ha, ha, ha ha...

Harry Wormwood:
College? I didn't go to college. I don't know anybody who did. Bunch of hippies and cesspool salesmen, ha ha ha ha...

Miss Jennifer 'Jenny' Honey:
Don't sneer at educated people, Mr. Wormwood. If you became ill, heaven forbid, your doctor would be a college graduate.

Harry Wormwood:
Yeah...

Miss Jennifer 'Jenny' Honey:
Or - or say you were sued for selling a faulty car. The lawyer who defended you would have gone to college too.

Harry Wormwood:
What car? Sued by who? Who you been talking to?

Harry Wormwood:
A book? What do you want a book for?

Matilda Wormwood:
To read.

Harry Wormwood:
To read? Why would you want to read when you got the television set sitting right in front of you? There's nothing you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster.

Harry Wormwood:
I'm smart; you're dumb. I'm big; you're little. And there's nothing you can do about it.

Agatha Trunchbull:
I need a car, inexpensive but reliable. Can you service me?

Harry Wormwood:
In a manner of speaking, yes. Uh, welcome to Wormwood Motors. Harry Wormwood, owner, founder, whatever.

Agatha Trunchbull:
Agatha Trunchbull, principal, Crunchem Hall Elementary School.

Harry Wormwood:
Huh.

Agatha Trunchbull:
I warn you, sir, I want a tight car, because I run a tight ship.

Harry Wormwood:
Oh yeah, huh, well, uh...

Agatha Trunchbull:
My school is a model of discipline! Use the rod, beat the child, that's my motto.

Harry Wormwood:
Terrific motto!

Agatha Trunchbull:
You have brats yourself?

Harry Wormwood:
Yeah, I got a boy, Mikey, and one mistake, Matilda.

Agatha Trunchbull:
They're all mistakes, children! Filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one.

Agatha Trunchbull:
I have never been able to understand why small children are so disgusting. They're the bane of my life. They're like insects: they should be got rid of as early as possible. Hah,

Agatha Trunchbull:
psst! My idea of a perfect school is one in which there are no children... at all.

Agatha Trunchbull:
If you are having fun, you are not learning.

Agatha Trunchbull:
I cannot for the life of me understand why small children take so long to grow up. I think they do it deliberately, just to annoy me.

Million $ Sticky Host:
For those idiots out there who don't know how to play, here's how it goes. For each correct answer, they'll move one step closer to our Cube of Cash. Once in our Cube of Cash, any money that sticks to your gooey body, you get to take home!

Matilda Wormwood:
No more Miss Nice Girl!

Matilda Wormwood:
Why don't you run away?

Miss Jennifer 'Jenny' Honey:
I've often thought about it, but... I can't abandon my children. And if I couldn't teach, I'd have nothing at all.

Matilda Wormwood:
You're very brave, Miss Honey.

Miss Jennifer 'Jenny' Honey:
Not as brave as you.

Matilda Wormwood:
I thought grown-ups weren't afraid of anything.

Miss Jennifer 'Jenny' Honey:
Quite the contrary. All grown-ups get scared, just like children.

Matilda Wormwood:
I wonder what Miss Trunchbull is afraid of.

Miss Jennifer 'Jenny' Honey:
Matilda, you promised you wouldn't go back into that house.

Matilda Wormwood:
I didn't. I was on the garage roof.

Matilda Wormwood:
I did it with my powers.

Matilda Wormwood:
It's not trash, daddy. It's lovely. Moby Dick by Herman Melville.

Harry Wormwood:
Moby WHAT?

Matilda Wormwood:
This is the cottage from your story!

Miss Jennifer 'Jenny' Honey:
Yes.

Matilda Wormwood:
The young woman is you!

Miss Jennifer 'Jenny' Honey:
Yes.

Matilda Wormwood:
But then... No.

Miss Jennifer 'Jenny' Honey:
Yes. Aunt Trunchbull.

Zinnia Wormwood:
You're the only daughter I ever had, Matilda. And I never understood you, not one little bit... Who's got a pen?

Harry Wormwood:
Since you're an educator, I'll make you a deal.

Agatha Trunchbull:
You'd better.

Harry Wormwood:
Let's do business.

Agatha Trunchbull:
I like a joke as well as the next fat person!

Agatha Trunchbull:
Can you spell?

Amanda Thripp:
Miss Honey taught us how to spell a long word yesterday. We can spell "difficulty".

Agatha Trunchbull:
You couldn't spell "difficulty" if your life depended on it.

Amanda Thripp:
She taught us with a poem.

Agatha Trunchbull:
A poem? How sweet. What poem would that be?

Amanda Thripp:
Mrs. D, Mrs. I, Mrs. F-F-I. Mrs. C, Mrs. U., Mrs. L-T-Y!

Agatha Trunchbull:
Why are all these women married?