T.V. Announcer:
Stay tuned for Outdoor Sportsman as Clint Eastwood hunts moles with a bulldozer.

Shark Writer:
I can type 90 words a minute but nobody will hire me just because I'm a shark.

Announcer:
It's easy to quit smoking with the Antagonizer Lighter. It lights once every five hundred times.

Len Cella:
The good news is that the common fart is the answer to the energy shortage. The energy from one rhinoceros fart can heat your home for the winter. Eighty frog farts can propel a canoe sixteen feet. A million worm farts can blow out a forest fire. The bad news is that one Russian beer fart can knock down ten Americans.

Len Cella:
Grow a few warts and you'll never get punched; nobody wants to punch a wart.

Airline Pilot:
We're cruisin' at six hundred miles an hour... at... an allytude of three inches. In case you're interested I was last in my class at fight school. Hahaha!

Len Cella:
Fig is a funny word. Newton's a funny word. But when you offer someone a fig newton...how come nobody laughs?

Doug the Dog:
How come no one complains about horse shit? Don't you know the dumplings from a single horse are equal to eighteen Great Danes or fifty six Chihuahuas!

Len Cella:
You're drunk if you throw out the dog and take the trash for a walk.

Len Cella:
If a bug crawls on your salami, don't throw it away. Shuffle it so you can't tell which slice had the bug on it.

World's Worst Neighbor:
Hey, remember that bowling ball I borrowed? My kid put it in the microwave.

Len Cella:
Fat people are harder to kidnap.

Len Cella:
You're ugly if you have to lift your nose to eat.

Len Cella:
People with fat necks are impossible to strangle.

Len Cella:
You're a bad dresser if you wear a green nose ring with a red shirt.

Len Cella:
You know you're dead when they use you for third base.

Len Cella:
Peel your bananas before your grocer weighs them.

Len Cella:
Always carry a brick to throw at that filthy handle.

Len Cella:
Always carry a yo-yo in case you get trapped in a coal mine.