Arlo Pear:
I gave him the wrong goddamn finger!

Cornell Crawford:
Well choke my chicken! Your name's Pear right? You lived next door to Frank, am I right?

Arlo Pear:
Yeah.

Cornell Crawford:
Small world ain't it?

Arlo Pear:
Too small.

Cornell Crawford:
Frank says you're a real asshole and if you fuck with me, I'll kill you, you understand?

Arlo Pear:
Honey, our daughter's getting married, you wanna come?

Arlo Pear:
I don't want your money, I want those assholes!

Cornell Crawford:
What the fuck are you doing?

Arlo Pear:
I want you to take this big red motherfucker and put it back in your garage, you understand you son of a bitch? And go to the store and get a human sized mower!

Arlo Pear:
Casey, where did you find this man? Is there an asshole convention in town?

Arlo Pear:
Frank, remember two years I loaned you my weed whacker? Well since we're moving, I've come to ask for it back.

Frank Crawford:
No.

Arlo Pear:
It's *our* weed whacker, Frank, the whole family went down to Sears together. So I've come to ask you to give it back.

Frank Crawford:
No.

Arlo Pear:
Frank, I loaned it to you two years ago to cut yor weeds. You haven't cut shit with the weed whacker! What did you do with it? Keep the weed whacker, Frank! Be happy with it because you have to friends! Nobody wants to talk to you!

Perry:
Frank, that you?

Frank Crawford:
Edwards, Perry! Well choke my chicken!

Arlo Pear:
Maybe we'll send you a plane ticket and you can visit us at Christmas.

Frank Crawford:
Good but I won't.

Arlo Pear:
I just sharpened my pencil!

Perry:
Mr. Pear?

Arlo Pear:
Yes.

Perry:
How's it hanging?

Arlo Pear:
How's what hanging?

Perry:
Your dick.

Arlo Pear:
It's hanging to the left.

Arlo Pear:
Ma'am, that dog hasn't farted since March '78.

Arlo Pear:
What happened to my car?

Brad:
Brad probably loaned the car to the Pope. Don't let the hat fool you, Man, the Pope's a crazy fucker. He probably blessed the car, got wasted and drove it off a fucking cliff.

Rudy:
Sure, we'll have our problems, just like most young couples.

Arlo Pear:
You're gonna have a problem walking straight if you don't take your hands off my daughter.