MTV Bash: Carson Daly 
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Jeffrey Ross: It really is an honor for me, hosting a show in front of all of these extremely talented people... and the Hilton sisters. Isn't it ironic that two sluts would be named after a cheap hotel?
Jeffrey Ross: What can you really say about Carson Daly that hasn't already been said about that retarded boy that won the lottery?
Jeffrey Ross: Carson, you look like Dick Clark and Eddie Munster had a baby.
Jeffrey Ross: You know you're white bread, Carson, right? You shit croutons.
Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs: Vietnamese basket job? What's that?
Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs: Oh, shit! That is some freaky shit. How much does one of those cost?
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Hi, remember me? Girlfriend #147?
Nelly: Carson's a clean slate with a blank head... but you know what? I think we all love him that way.
Sarah Silverman: Thanks, Jeff. Nice suit. I can't believe you never get laid. God, he is so Jewish.
Sarah Silverman: People say that you're the next Audrey Hepburn. Does that scare you, knowing you're going to die of colon cancer?
Sarah Silverman: A lot of famous duos are here tonight... Nicky and Paris Hilton, Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla, Britney Spears' tits. I think they're famous.
Sarah Silverman: I swear, this is the best anniversary of my abortion ever.
Carson Daly: Thanks, Padre.
Carson Daly: Kid Rock, that's Pamela Anderson. You two should meet.
Carson Daly: Andy Dick over there. Andy, you are easily the ugliest woman I have ever seen. Nelly, you're the second ugliest woman I've ever seen.
Carson Daly: I will always, for the rest of my life, cherish the wonderful, wonderful moments that we had together... back when you were famous.
Carson Daly: Britney and Fred, finally here together tonight... although I'm sure they'll claim this never happened either.
Sarah Silverman: Jennifer is what we in the show business call a triple threat. Not only is she an actress, but she's also a dancer and terrible singer.