Jeffrey Ross:
It really is an honor for me, hosting a show in front of all of these extremely talented people... and the Hilton sisters. Isn't it ironic that two sluts would be named after a cheap hotel?

Jeffrey Ross:
What can you really say about Carson Daly that hasn't already been said about that retarded boy that won the lottery?

Jeffrey Ross:
Carson, you look like Dick Clark and Eddie Munster had a baby.

Jeffrey Ross:
You know you're white bread, Carson, right? You shit croutons.

Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs:
Vietnamese basket job? What's that?

Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs:
Oh, shit! That is some freaky shit. How much does one of those cost?

Jennifer Love Hewitt:
Hi, remember me? Girlfriend #147?

Nelly:
Carson's a clean slate with a blank head... but you know what? I think we all love him that way.

Sarah Silverman:
Thanks, Jeff. Nice suit. I can't believe you never get laid. God, he is so Jewish.

Sarah Silverman:
People say that you're the next Audrey Hepburn. Does that scare you, knowing you're going to die of colon cancer?

Sarah Silverman:
A lot of famous duos are here tonight... Nicky and Paris Hilton, Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla, Britney Spears' tits. I think they're famous.

Sarah Silverman:
I swear, this is the best anniversary of my abortion ever.

Carson Daly:
Thanks, Padre.

Carson Daly:
Kid Rock, that's Pamela Anderson. You two should meet.

Carson Daly:
Andy Dick over there. Andy, you are easily the ugliest woman I have ever seen. Nelly, you're the second ugliest woman I've ever seen.

Carson Daly:
I will always, for the rest of my life, cherish the wonderful, wonderful moments that we had together... back when you were famous.

Carson Daly:
Britney and Fred, finally here together tonight... although I'm sure they'll claim this never happened either.

Sarah Silverman:
Jennifer is what we in the show business call a triple threat. Not only is she an actress, but she's also a dancer and terrible singer.