Lt. Frank Drebin:
How are the children?

Jane Spencer:
We didn't have any children.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Yes, of course.

Jane Spencer:
How was your prostate operation?

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Oh, good. Fine. Never been better.

Dr. Mainheimer:
It's a terrible thing that has happened here. I do hope you will find the people responsible.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
I'm sorry I can't be more optimistic, Doctor, but we've got a long road ahead of us. It's like having sex. It's a painstaking and arduous task that seems to go on and on forever, and just when you think things are going your way, nothing happens.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?

Jane Spencer:
He's Caucasian.

Ed Hocken:
Caucasian?

Jane Spencer:
Yeah, you know, a white guy. A mustache. About five-foot-ten.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
That's an awfully big mustache.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Hector Savage. From Detroit. Ex-boxer. His real name was Joey Chicago.

Ed Hocken:
Oh, yeah. He fought under the name of Kid Minneapolis.

Nordberg:
I saw Kid Minneapolis fight once. In Cincinnati.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
No you're thinking of Kid New York. He fought out of Philly.

Ed Hocken:
He was killed in the ring in Houston. By Tex Colorado. You know, the Arizona Assassin.

Nordberg:
Yeah, from Dakota. I don't remember it was North or South.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
North. South Dakota was his brother. From West Virginia.

Ed Hocken:
You sure know your boxing.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
All I know is never bet on the white guy.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Nice party, Hapsburg... I see a lot of familiar face lifts.

Quentin Hapsburg:
You do speak French don't you?

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Unfortunately no, but I do kiss that way.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Have you noticed anything different about him?

Jane Spencer:
Well, only that he's a foot taller, and he seems to be left handed now... Frank, what are you trying to tell me? That Quentin has somehow found an exact double for Dr. Mainheimer and that tomorrow that double will give a fraudulent report to the president?

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Why that's brilliant, that's a lot better than what I came up with.

Hector Savage:
I want a car out front, something fun, a Porsche, then I want a plane ticket to Jamaica... And I want a nice hotel, no touristy place... Something really indicative of the people and their culture.

Ed Hocken:
Can't do that, Savage! We're calling your bluff. Now put your hands on top of your head and come out!

Lt. Frank Drebin:
...blowing away a fleeing suspect with my 44 magnum used to mean everything to me, I enjoyed it, well who wouldn't?

Lt. Frank Drebin:
I want a world where Frank junior and all the Frank juniors can sit under a shady tree, breathe the air, swim in the ocean, and go into a 7-11 without an interpreter.

Jane Spencer:
Frank, if you're going to be blown to bits, I want to be here with you.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
The truth hurts doesn't it, Hapsburg? Oh, sure maybe not as much as jumping on a bike with the seat missing...

Busty Female Shop Assistant:
Is this some kind of bust?

Lt. Frank Drebin:
It's very impressive, yes.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr... Poopy Pants?

Lt. Frank Drebin:
That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.

Captain Ed Hocken:
Sex, Frank?

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Uh, no, not right now, Ed.

Jane Spencer:
Play our song, Sam.

Sam:
All right... DING DONG! The witch is dead! Which old witch! The wicked witch!

Dr. Mainheimer:
Are you thinking about him again? What was his name... Frank?

Jane Spencer:
Yes.

Dr. Mainheimer:
You can't forget him, can you?

Jane Spencer:
Who?

Lt. Frank Drebin:
I couldn't believe it was her. It was like a dream. But there she was, just as I remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say..."Hey! Look at these!" She was the kind of woman who made you want to drop to your knees and thank God you were a man! She reminded me of my mother, all right. No doubt about it.

Ed Hocken:
Frank, snap out of it! You're looking at her like she was your mother for Christ's sake!

Lt. Frank Drebin:
You know, sometimes I envy you and Edna. You have the same person every day for over 30 years. You wake up, eat with her, sleep with her. Make love to the same woman.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
You spend every possible waking moment together, while I'm out running around with a bunch of 20-year-olds who only want a good time and cheap sex sex sex. Girls who can't say no. Girls who can't get enough. "More, more, more. It's your turn now to wear the handcuffs..."

Lt. Frank Drebin:
I just want love, Ed.

Ed Hocken:
I'm sure you'll... find love, Frank.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Looks like the cows have come home to roost.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements. One - guns down. Two - come on out.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Yes, it is. And I have a receipt to prove it.

Quentin Hapsburg:
I don't recall your name on the guest list.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
That's OK. I sometimes go by my maiden name.

Quentin Hapsburg:
Do you gamble?

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Every time I order out.

Jane Spencer:
I feel like such a fool. I should have never doubted you.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
There, there. You had no way of knowing the man you were dating was a vicious, murdering sociopath.

Quentin Hapsburg:
We're going to the dinner. Make sure nothing happens to him till I return. Then I want the pleasure of killing you myself.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
The pleasure is all mine.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Talk.

Explosion Thug #2:
You're too late.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
He already said that.

Explosion Thug #2:
Where'd he leave off?

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Er, "Hapsburg has Plan B in..."

Explosion Thug #2:
Oh, yeah. Hapsburg has Plan B in... in...

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Where? Where? Talk, you low-life scum.

Explosion Thug #2:
Gee, if that's your attitude, forget it. (dies)

Quentin Hapsburg:
Any final requests, Lieutenant?

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Can I have the gun?

President George Bush:
Frank, please consider filling a post I'm creating. It may mean long hours and dangerous nights, surrounded by some of the scummiest elements in our society.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
You want me to be in your cabinet?

Waiter:
Phone call for you, commissioner.

Commissioner Anabell Brumford:
Thank you.

Commissioner Anabell Brumford:
Hello?... He did what?... How many animals escaped?... Oh, my God...

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Good evening, commissioner. You're looking lovely tonight.

Commissioner Anabell Brumford:
Do you realize that because of you this city is being overrun by baboons?

Lt. Frank Drebin:
Well, isn't that the fault of the voters?

Commissioner Anabell Brumford:
I would like now to introduce a most distinguished gentleman. This week he is being honored for his one 1000th drug dealer killed. Ladies and gentleman please welcome Lt. Frank Drebin of Police Squad.

Lt. Frank Drebin:
In all honesty the last two I backed over with my car. Luckily they turned out to be drug dealers.