Dr. Emil Reingold:
Mickey and Mallory know the difference between right and wrong; they just don't give a damn.

Mallory:
I do. 'Til you and I die, and die, and die again. 'Til death do us part.

Wayne Gale:
I thought a bond developed between us!

Mickey:
No. Not really. You're scum, Wayne; you did it for RATINGS. You don't give a shit about us or anybody else except yourself; that's why nobody gives a shit about YOU. That's why "helicopters" were not "deployed."

Wayne Gale:
Their subsequent trial turned into a sick, pathetic circus. The trial of Mickey and Mallory Knox was SUCH an event, that it made the crime spree that preceded it pale by comparison. The nation caught Mickey and Mallory fire!

Mallory:
I don't think I'm gonna make it. I feel so cold.

Mickey:
You're gonna make it, Mal. Get mad.

Mickey:
Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."

Mickey:
The media is like the weather, only it's man-made weather.

Mickey:
Turn left? Turn left to what you stupid bitch?

Mallory:
You stupid bitch? You stupid bitch? You stupid bitch? Mickey, that's what my father used to call me! I thought you'd be a little more creative than that!

Mickey:
We'll be living in all the oceans now.

Mallory:
You make every day feel like kindergarten.

Mallory:
How sexy am I now, huh? Flirty boy! How sexy am I now?

Mallory:
That the worst fuckin' head I ever got in my life! Next time don't be so fuckin' eager!

Mickey:
Let me tell you something, this is the 1990's, alright? In this day and age a man has to have choices, a man has to have a little bit of variety.

Mallory:
What are you talking about, "variety"? Hostages? You wanna fuck some other women now? Is that what you're talking about, Mickey?

Ed Wilson:
I'll show her a little tenderness, after I eat. When I get up there, she won't see my face for an hour.

Mallory:
You made my shitlist!

Son:
What the hell is that?

Mickey:
Well, let's give that key lime pie a day in court, and a big old glass of non-fat milk, if you please.

Mickey:
The whole world's comin' to an end, Mal!

Mallory:
I see angels, Mickey. They're comin' down for us from heaven. And I see you ridin' a big red horse, and you're driving them horses, whippin' 'em, and the're spitting and frothing all 'long the mouth, and the're coming right at us. And I see the future, a vision of death, 'cause you and I, we're angels...

Mickey:
I love you, Mal.

Mallory:
I know you do baby, and I've loved you since the day we met.

Wayne Gale:
Repetition works, David. Repetition works, David.

Mickey:
You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Mickey:
We're not killing anybody on our wedding day.

Dwight McClusky:
Love makes the world go round, heh heh heh.

Mickey:
I realized my true calling in life.

Wayne Gale:
What's that?

Mickey:
Shit, man, I'm a natural born killer.

Scagnetti:
I was born and spent the first part of my life in Texas.

Dwight McClusky:
That's funny, you don't have the accent.

Scagnetti:
I don't wanna talk like those assholes.

Dwight McClusky:
My mother was from Texas!

Scagnetti:
I meant those other assholes.

Napalatoni:
Warden!

Dwight McClusky:
Yes! What is it, Natapundi?

Napalatoni:
Napalatoni!

Dwight McClusky:
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR FUCKING NAME IS!

Napalatoni:
Mickey and Mallory Knox are loose, Scagnetti's dead, and they're live on national TV!

Dwight McClusky:
LIVE ON NATIONAL TV? JESUS HAROLD CHRIST ON A FUCKING RUBBER CRUTCH, IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

Dwight McClusky:
Just how far do you think you're gonna get?

Mickey:
Right out the front door!

Dwight McClusky:
THAT WILL *NEVER HAPPEN!*

Mickey:
It IS happenin'.

Dwight McClusky:
I will personally hunt you down, blow the head off your fucking whore wife, AND PLANT YOUR SICK ASS IN THE GROUND ALL BY MYSELF!

Mickey:
Another day, perhaps, but not today!

Old Indian:
Once upon a time, a woman was picking up firewood. She came upon a poisonous snake frozen in the snow. She took the snake home and nursed it back to health. One day the snake bit her on the cheek. As she lay dying, she asked the snake, "Why have you done this to me?" And the snake answered, "Look, bitch, you knew I was a snake."

Mickey:
It's fate, you know. Nobody can stop fate, nobody can.

Mickey:
Right now I'd go down on a lawman for a gallon of gas.

Mickey:
It's just murder. All God's creatures do it. You look in the forests and you see species killing other species, our species killing all species including the forests, and we just call it industry, not murder.

Scagnetti:
Oswald might've been a pussy, but he was a great shot.

Dwight McClusky:
I'm surprised Hollywood ain't caught up with you yet, your story'd make a much better movie than that Serpico shit.

Dwight McClusky:
Mickey & Mallory Knox are without a doubt the most twisted depraved pair of shitfucks it has ever been my displeasure to lay my god damn eyes on. I tell you these two motherfuckers are a walking reminder of just how fucked up this system really is.

Mickey:
At birth, I was cast into a flaming pit of scum forgotten by God.

Ed Wilson:
I eat what I want! So what! I mean, with this fucking food here, you pray *after* eating!

Ed Wilson:
Don't think! You're a fucking idiot! Who am I now, the bad guy? Did I ask you to fuck my friends?

Mallory's Dad:
If it wasn't for me, you'd still be slingin' hash in that shithouse and fuckin' your boss.

Mickey:
Uh, aloha? Chief? Yeah, uh... rattlesnake took a chunk outta us a few miles back... me and my wife are pretty sick - could be dyin,' you never can tell about these things, so... how's about you ungluein' your fat ass from that boob tube and gettin' us some snakebite juice. Pronto.

Jack Scagnetti:
Now that is a perfect ass.

Jack Scagnetti:
How the hell are my two favorite assholes?

Pinky:
Are you a real cop?

Jack Scagnetti:
Oh yeah, I'm a real cop.

Pinky:
You're not gonna hurt me are ya?

Jack Scagnetti:
I never hurt anyone in my life. I'm the law. I'm your protector.

Jack Scagnetti:
I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding...

Jack Scagnetti:
I tend not to exhibit the self-discipline of a peace officer.

Mallory:
What do you want me to do?

Jack Scagnetti:
I want you to kiss me and squeeze my nipple.

Mallory:
You're so specific.

Mallory:
I'm not really as bad as they say I am. I'm actually a really nice person.

Jack Scagnetti:
Yeah I know. I did some pretty bad things myself. I killed someone.

Jack Scagnetti:
Remember the last time you got fucked? What I want you to do is close your eyes, and remember the last time Mickey gave you the high hard one. You thinking about it? Good. Well you can forget it, 'cause it's never gonna happen again. Because when they get through with all the electroshock shit they got lined up for that cocksucker, ol' Mickey ain't gonna be worth a damn.

Mickey:
One camera all you can muster, Jack?

Jack Scagnetti:
You ain't that big a star yet, cocksucker.

Wayne Gale:
Mallory Knox has said that she wants to kill you.

Dr. Emil Reingold:
I never really believe what women tell me.

Dwight McClusky:
How's a fella like you get to be involved with psychos, anyways?

Jack Scagnetti:
Actually Dwight, I'd recommend having your mother killed by one. After that happened I developed a rather keen interest in the subject.

Mickey:
Looks like we got us a Mexican Standoff.

Jack Scagnetti:
We've had this day from the beginning, huh, Mickey? Now slide that shotgun over here. Put your hands on your head and your head against the floor!

Mickey:
Or what, you'll wound me? I could blow you in half and you know it.

Jack Scagnetti:
I never wounded anything in my life. I got you locked right between the eyes, Mickey. I've had you locked from the jump, you phony!

Dwight McClusky:
Put him in F Block for a month, then bring him to see me!

Jack Scagnetti:
Jesus Christ, Dwight. You could be on "American Gladiators".

Dwight McClusky:
Thirty minutes a day, just shake and roll it... doesn't take much. Someone goes for you, you go right for the throat, Jack.

Mickey:
Even ugliness looks beautiful next to you.

Wayne Gale:
Wait! Don't Mickey and Mallory always leave one person alive to tell the tale?

Mallory:
We are...

Mallory:

Mickey:
Hey, Jack! Mickey's back!