Peter Cook:
If you *do* decide to come on stage, Dudley, make sure you take her off your penis first.

Dudley Moore:
Is my entire contribution to this show going to consist of my humiliating myself?

Peter Cook:
No, Dudley. We'll do that for you.

Dudley Moore:
Thank you. I wouldn't want to be appreciated or anything.

Peter Cook:
Well, we initially tried looking up to you, Dudley... but when we did, we invariably found ourselves looking down.

Dudley Moore:
Why do you constantly belittle me?

Peter Cook:
Dudley, I don't think it's possible to belittle a club-footed dwarf whose only talent is to play Chopsticks in the style of Debussy.

Wendy Snowden:
Everything happens for a purpose. Go with the flow.

Peter Cook:
I've enjoyed the plughole immensely. I can't wait for the drain.

Wendy Snowden:
It's really weird that this has happened when it has. I'm pregnant.

Dudley Moore:
I think that was the U-bend, Pete.

Dudley Moore:
You have a generous heart.

Peter Cook:
I do have a generous heart. I have a very generous heart. I recently caught it trying to give my liver to a wino.

Dudley Moore:
Are you allergic to compassion?

Peter Cook:
Only in suppository form.

Alan Bennett:
They wanted a glowing accolade. But I said "No. I'll do an amusing anecdote" - because glowing accolades tend to sound so insincere.

Peter Cook:
...Especially when they are.

Peter Cook:
The BBC want another series.

Dudley Moore:
Oh good. I'll make it up, you write it down, take all the money, take all the credit, then turn up drunk, and I'll make it all up again.

Peter Cook:
Alcoholics need a drink first and last thing. I need oral sex and a cigarette. Which means I'm not an alcoholic.

Lin Chong:
I'm not going to sleep with you.

Peter Cook:
But you see it would enable me to distinguish you from the cleaner.

Dudley Moore:
You are an arrogant fucking cunt and you have never valued me.