Brian Hope/Sister Euphemia:
God is very busy. He can't control all the details. He's running a franchise operation.

Sister Superior:
What happened to your arm?

Faith:
I'm not sure. I fell.

Sister Superior:
It looks like a bullet wound to me.

Faith:
How would you know?

Sister Superior:
I've seen bullet wounds. I've been a missionary.

Faith:
Where?

Sister Superior:
East L. A.

Father Seamus:
Tell me. Is celibacy just as difficult for a woman as it is for a man?

Charlie McManus:
I wouldn't know... I must come clean, though, I, I had a man in my bed last night. All night. You see, the way I see it, sex is allowed.

Father Seamus:
Ah, ha... ha!

Charlie McManus:
No. No, it's the doctrine of original sin. You see, we're all born sinful, except for Jesus who was perfect of course. And he was sent to save us. But how could he save us unless we're sinning? So we have to go on sinning in order to be saved and go to Heaven. That's how Christianity works. That's why it suits so many people.

Brian Hope:
Look Charlie, some con men sell life insurance. The church sells afterlife insurance. It's brilliant! Everyone thinks you might need it, and no one can prove you don't.

Charlie McManus:
The church isn't selling anything, Brian.

Brian Hope:
Oh! Well, if the church isn't selling anything how did it get to be so rich? Just remember, wherever there's a deep human need there's money to be made.

Charlie McManus:
You think so?

Brian Hope:
Of course, look at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Brian Hope:
You shot Loui you asshole!

Brian Hope:
I thought you were supposed to be eating fish on a Friday.

Charlie McManus:
No, you're way out of date. Vatican II said we don't have to do that anymore.

Brian Hope:
Who's "Vatican II"? The deputy pope?

Charlie McManus:
Ignoramus. You can't have a deputy pope. The pope's infallible; you can't be deputy-infallible!

Brian Hope:
Explain the Trinity.

Charlie McManus:
Hmmm... well, it's a bit of a bugger.

Charlie McManus:
You've got the Father, the Son and the holy ghost. But the three are one - like a shamrock, my old priest used to say. "Three leaves, but one leaf." Now, the father sent down the son, who was love, and then when he went away, he sent down the holy spirit, who came down in the form of a...

Brian Hope:
You told me already - a ghost.

Charlie McManus:
No, a dove.

Brian Hope:
The dove was a ghost?

Charlie McManus:
No, the ghost was a dove.

Brian Hope:
Let me try and summarize this: God is his son. And his son is God. But his son moonlights as a holy ghost, a holy spirit, and a dove. And they all send each other, even though they're all one and the same thing.

Charlie McManus:
You've got it. You really could be a nun!

Sister Superior:
My Lord, thou hast always moved in mysterious ways thy wonders to perform, but this latest wonder takes some beating even from you. So what we want to say is thanks a million for sending us Euphemia and Inviolata. And keep an eye on them, won't you? They need you. Amen.

Sister Superior:
You stole money because you want to get *out* of organized crime?

Brian Hope:
Oh, it was stolen already.

Charlie McManus:
The important thing is that now the good guys have got it instead of the bad guys.

Brian Hope:
Yeah. It's like Robin Hood, you see? We stole from the rich to give to the poor.

Sister Superior:
Who are you going to give this money to?

Brian Hope:
Us. We're poor.