Bedknobs and Broomsticks

Mr. Browne:
Observe the fundamental weakness of the criminal mind. They will believe no one nor anything.

Mr. Browne:
Women always lose things.

Eglentine Price:
I don't believe in giving animals ridiculous names. I call him Cosmic Creepers...

Charlie Rawlins:
Foul! Foul!

Carrie Rawlins:
They're only animals.

Charlie Rawlins:
That's no excuse for dirty football.

Charlie Rawlins:
Ref, are you blind?

Miss Price:
Be quiet, Charles. Don't forget who the referee is.

Lion:
Friendly lot. Don't mind them visiting. Wouldn't want them living here.

Bear:
People? People? Oh, no! What scurvy luck!

Charlie Rawlins:
No fried foods? How d'you keep your health?

Mr. Browne:
It is not what things are; it is what they seem to be. Is that not so, Madam?

Bookman:
There is, I regret to say, no such island. I've looked for it in every chart. The Isle of Naboombu does not exist.

Paul Rawlins:
It does, too! Got me own...

Bookman:
What is he trying to say?

Charlie Rawlins:
Nothing! When he don't say nothing, he burbles.

Don't antagonize, Mr. Browne

[A British Army officer's car stops at a junction on a country road where an elderly man is painting over signposts.]

Captain Greer:
You there! Which way to Pepperinge Eye?

Elderly Man:
Couldn't say, sir—said on the wireless to paint out the signposts in case the Nazis drop in.

Captain Greer:
I'm not a Nazi, I'm a British officer!

Elderly Man:
That's what you say if you was a Nazi, isn't it sir?

[Miss Price has just arrived on an old motorbike, emitting blasts of yellow smoke. After she has gone, the two army officers begin to speak.]

Captain Greer:
Who is that?

General Teagler:
Miss Price—splendid woman. Her late father served with me at Vimy Ridge.

Captain Greer:
What's she burning in this thing?—It smells a bit like sulphur.

General Teagler:
Nonsense! One can't make a motor fuel out of sulphur!

Carrie:
Who else lives here?

Miss Price:
I live alone— it suits my purposes.

Miss Price:
Supper is at six. You will wash, thoroughly—

Charlie:
Wash?!

Miss Price:
You will wash yourselves, otherwise there will be no supper, is that clear?

[Miss Price leaves the room.]

Charlie:
A house of horrors, that's what we've come to.

[Charlie notices an odd bottle on a shelf in Miss Price's office.]

Charlie:
Poisoned dragon's liver?!

Miss Price:
Poisoned dragon's liver.

Paul:
Do you poison the dragon or just the liver?

Miss Price:
It comes prepared. It's part of the school equipment.

Stallkeeper:
The snippers that clipped old King Edward's cigars.

Mr. Browne:
Made in Hong Kong—two bob a dozen, I'd say.

Paul:
I liked you better as a rabbit, Charlie

Charlie:
Shut up, you!

Charlie:
Don't they have no rules?

Paul:
Of course they do. The king makes them up as they go.

[as Secretary Bird sees that King Leonidas' star necklace is missing, he reacts, then stutters, and points]

King Leonidas:
[growls] Stop jibbering. [hits Secretary Bird on the head] What's the matter with you?

Secretary Bird:
[blubbing] Your Royal Star! They've stolen your royal star!

King Leonidas:
[laughs] Don't be ridiculous. What do you think this is? [dangles a whistle in front of Secretary Bird, who blows on it, and when he sees the whistle, King Leonidas realizes and roars so loudly, that blows Secretary Bird's clothes off] WHYYYYYYYY DIDDDDDN'T YOUUUUUUUUUUUU SAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!!

Paul:
Is this London?

Carrie:
'Course it is. Can't you smell that lovely sooty air?

Mr. Browne:
I found the door open, the curtains closed—the house was deserted.

Miss Price:
Why on earth would someone do a thing like that?

Mr. Browne:
I would say this may have something to do with it… [gestures toward an unexploded bomb]

Miss Price:
Merciful heavens! I should be terrified at the very idea of living here.

Mr. Browne:
You would have thought so, wouldn't you? I am, by nature, a little bit of a coward—but then I pondered, as I often do: in the perverse nature of things, this diabolical object is probably the best friend I ever had. It has enabled me for the first time in my life to live like a king. Shall we go in?

Charlie:
Why d'you keep the curtains closed?

Mr. Browne:
So we can enjoy our cheese and wine in the gentle glow of candlelight.

Charlie:
I bet it's so the coppers won't catch you hiding out here.

Paul:
What is this—a toyshop?

Carrie:
No, it's a nursery. Ain't you ever seen a nursery?

Charlie:
[to Carrie] No, and neither have you.

[Miss Price is searching in Mr. Browne's library, standing on a ladder attached to a rail on the high shelves.]

Mr. Browne:
What's your name?

Miss Price:
[disinterestedly] Miss Price.

Mr. Browne:
No, I mean your first name.

Miss Price:
Eglantine.

Mr. Browne:
Eglantine...Eglantine... [He pushes the ladder upon which Miss Price is standing along the rail, startling her.] Oh, how you shine!

Miss Price:
[reading from the book she has found at last] Ah! "Substitutiary locomotion. The ancient art of..." [She reads for a few moments in a whisper.] Ah! Here we are: "The spell which creates this force is five mystic words. These words are—" [She pauses incredulously, and turns over the tattered leaves of the book.] ...But the rest of the book is missing!

Mr. Browne:
Now you see why I closed down the college.

Mr. Browne:
I will cause the bed and all its occupants to disappear.

Bookman:
Disappear? I'd like to see a cheap jack entertainer do a trick like that.

Mr. Browne:
Cheap jack entertainer. Now that was naughty.

[Miss Price's belongings inadvertently come to life after she recites an ancient magical spell. Mr. Browne begins to dance with a nightdress.]

Miss Price:
That's my nightgown!

Mr. Browne:
Is it really, my dear?

Miss Price:
Yes, and I'm not responsible for its behavior.

Mr. Browne:
Obviously not, my dear.

[Miss Price and the children are being held captive in her house by German soldiers.]

Colonel:
No, fraulein, this is not the invasion. Just a little excercise. A minor raid to induce panic and to spread a little mischef. When you English get it through your head that the German forces can land at will whenever and wherever we please, perhaps you will consider a reasonable peace.

Charlie:
Not bloody likely!

Paul:
Go on, Miss Price. Do it to him.

Miss Price:
I must say, it's very tempting. Colonel, how would you feel about being turned into a nice white rabbit? [The colonel speaks German to a soldier, ignoring Miss Price] I said, how would you feel about being turned into a nice white rabbit?

[Paul smiles]

Colonel:
Be quiet, please.

[Miss Price stands up, points at the Colonel, but cannot remember the correct words to the incantation]

Miss Price:
Filigree, apogee, epigee...!

Charlie:
Not again.

Carrie:
Your memory, Miss Price.

Miss Price:
Charles, would you kindly fetch me my notebook from the workroom, please?

Charlie:
Righto.

[He attempts to run, but a German officer restrains Charlie. Miss Price and Paul attempt to retrieve Charlie in much commotion. The colonel, annoyed, turns to them]

Colonel:
SILENCE!! [The commotion stops] Fraulein, we have work to do. I am sorry, but I must send all of you someplace where you will no longer be a nuisance. [Speaks an order in German and continues working]

Paul:
That's not a rabbit— that's Mr. Browne, that is!

Miss Price:
If you are Mr. Browne, would you kindly get down off my lap?

[Carrie tries on some elaborate jewellery at a market stall and admires herself in a mirror.]

Stallkeeper:
Who do you think you are, the Queen of Sheba?

Charlie:
Hurt your foot, Miss Price?

Miss Price:
Oh, just twisted my ankle.

Charlie:
Sorry to hear that.

Miss Price:
Thank you. It's nothing serious.

Charlie:
Lovely weather for flying last night.

[heavy pause]

Miss Price:
Why did you say that, Charles?

Charlie:
[bringing out her broken broomstick] Game's up, Miss Price. We know what you are.

Miss Price:
Children and I don't get on.

Miss Price:
[reading from Professor Browne's letter] "Technically a witch is always a lady except when circumstances dictate otherwise."

Miss Price:
Victory for England, and St. George!

Miss Price:
[to Colonel Heller] You see, things may not be so easy for you after all.

Miss Price:
[after turning King Leonidas into an animated long-tailed rabbit] Oh, bother. I do hate shoddy work.

Mr. Browne:
[An old man is playing dreary music on a piano which he is selling.] Oh, Grandpa, you don't expect to sell a piano like that, do you?

Mr. Browne:
[Mr. Browne is approached by two scantily-clad dancers who take him by either arm.] Lovely to see you—goodbye!

Mr. Browne:
The college, alas, is now defunct.

Mr. Browne:
Will you please get this child off my leg?

Mr. Browne:
What was all that about?

Mr. Browne:
You didn't think I knew that spell?

Charlie:
Weird sorta game they play here.

Charlie:
There'll be no more of this wash wash morning and night.

Charlie:
Game's up, Miss Price. We know what you are.

Charlie:
Wait! Wait! We can't leave the bed there!

Charlie:
You bliming brute! I'll teach you to do that to me!

Charlie:
Oy! My Sunday trousers!

Bookman:
Close your mouth, Swinburne!

Mrs. Jessica Hobday:
Another package from Professor Emelius Browne in London. He sent you a cat last time, did he not?