Road to Wellville [1994]

This wrong-headed adaptation of the very funny (and scatological) novel by T. Coraghessan Boyle was written and directed by Alan Parker, who doesn't seem to have much of a clue. It's not a botch, just a movie that hammers its efforts at humor too hard. The focus is split between three story lines: the life of cereal tycoon John Kellogg (Anthony Hopkins with buck teeth), who has created a health spa for the wealthy that focuses on regular cleansing of the digestive tract (as well as applications of electricity); the troubles of an unhappy young couple (Matthew Broderick and Bridget Fonda), who come to the spa hoping to cure their marital ills (Broderick gets the worst of the deal); and the efforts of a young hustler (John Cusack), who is trying to break into the breakfast-cereal business but gets taken by an even bigger hustler (Michael Lerner). There are subplots about Kellogg's children but they add little. For all the doo-doo and enema jokes, the joys of this movie are distinctly scattered. --Marshall Fine

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Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
One should never, ever, interrupt one's desire to defecate. I have inquired at the Bronx and London Zoos as to the daily bowel evacuations of primates. It is not once, twice, or three times, sir, but four. At the end of an average day, their cages are filled with a veritable mountain of natural health.

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
Sex is the sewer drain of a healthy body, sir! Any use of the sexual act other than procreation is a waste of vital energy! Wasted seeds are wasted lives!

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
"He that killeth the ox is as if he slew a man." Each juicy morsel of meat is alive, and swarming with the same filth as found in the carcass of a dead rat. Meat eaters, sir, are drowning in a tide of gore. What is a sausage? A sausage is an indigestible balloon of decayed beef, riddled with tuberculosis. Eat and die! For I have seen many a repentant meat glutton his body full of uric acid and remorse, his soul adrift on the raft in the ocean of poisonous slime, sloshin' against the walls of the body's kitchen.

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
The liver is the only thing standing between the smoker and death! Also certain other things have to be avoided... like, uh, feather beds, and romantic novels... and the, uh, touching of one's organs. Masturbation is the silent killer of the night! The vilest sin of self-pollution! It is the sin of Onan!

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
The corn flake, sir, is just one of my 75 creations for heathy livin', among them peanut butter and the electric blanket.

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
Sir, corn is the injuns gift to the new world, and the corn flake is my gift to the entire world.

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
My brother, W.K. Kellogg, worked for me as a low-paid assistant for many years. Now he's off on his own and amassin' fortunes with my corn flake invention. Unfortunately, he has chosen the family name to promote it. But the whole world knows only one Kellogg: me, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg! Surgeon, inventor, author, and crusader for biological livin'! I do not seek monetary rewards, for I am called to a greater glory. Here at the Battle Creek Sanitarium, the spirits soar, the mind is educated, and the bowels - -the bowels are born again!

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