Robert Schimmel:
I was making love one night with my wife and she said: "You're in me." I know where I am, shut the fuck up.

Robert Schimmel:
So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.

Robert Schimmel:
One of my friends goes: "So, you know what really turns me on; when girls talk dirty in bed." Yeah I tried that with my wife. I said: "Hey, talk dirty to me." She said: "Go fuck yourself". Not that dirty.

Robert Schimmel:
What is it with the animals with the bikes? I took my daugther to the circus. She said: "Daddy, how do they teach a bear how to ride a bike?" I said: It's easy, they nail his feet to the pedals and they beat the shit out of him. He's not riding, he's running. He just happens to be attached to the bike.