Elly May:
I reckon why they got two sets of steps.

Jethro:
That's easy! One's for going up, and the other's for going down!

Elly May:
Oh.

Aunt Pearl:
You folks oughta move yourselves to a place like... Beverly Hills, Californy.

Jethro:
They got swimming pools and movie stars!

Elly May:
I hear they got smog.

Daisy Mae 'Granny' Moses:
What's a smog?

Jethro:
I reckon it's a small hog.

Jed Clampett:
I reckon you done what you done because you didn't know we was who we was. And if we hadn't been who we was, we'd have still been much obliged for you to have done what you done.

Daisy Mae 'Granny' Moses:
Elly May! Don't spit from a moving vehicle. Wait till it's stopped.

Woodrow Tyler:
She's got crap on her boots!

Elly May:
I just wanna be who I am. And I ain't goin' to no France!

Elly May:
Look! They's a-playin' 'Kick the Can'!

Jethro:
I think I got this game figured out. You throw the ball down this gully. Then you throw yourself down the other gully, and try to hit them snake-hittin' clubs before the ball does.

Milburne Drysdale:
I'm president of a bank.

Jethro:
Wow, can I be president of a bank too?

Jed Clampett:
Jethro that was a mighty disrespectful thing to say to Mr. Drysdale. Ask if you can be vice president.

Cousin Pearl:
Jethro, did you take care of those old brakes like I told you to?

Jethro:
Yes, Ma, I pulled them off the truck yesterday. The new brakes should be coming in the mail next week.

Jed Clampett:
Now why you suppose he's doing that?

Jethro:
I reckon that's how people wave hello in Beverly Hills.

Jane Hathaway:
I must say it's inspirational how you found a place for the Clampetts right nextdoor to your own.

Mr. Drysdale:
The people who lived there were my best friends and neighbors for over 20 years. I'm really going to miss them.

Jane Hathaway:
It's a shame they had to file for bankruptcy and had to sell the place.

Mr. Drysdale:
I know. I'd hate to think that my phone call to the IRS had anything to do with it.

Woodrow Tyler:
You're not going to sleep with him, are you?

Laura Jackson:
That's not your problem.

Woodrow Tyler:
Good! Laura, I've got my hand on your butt. (Laura disconnects the line) Hold on! I've got someone on call waiting. (disconnects the line) Hello! Hello! (gets back on previous line) It was nobody! Anyways, I've got my hand on your butt and I'm squeezing.

Mr. Drysdale:
Tyler, get your hand off my butt.

Milburn Drysdale:
Son, I want you to close your eyes for a minute. Now, imagine I've taken away your allowance, your cellphone, your car and cut you out of my will. How do you see your future?

Morgan Drysdale:
Flipping frozen cow parts at Burger King?

Milburn Drysdale:
And people say you're stupid.