I gotta ask you, man, what do you do with all the Oscars?
I get that question all the time. I have one on my book shelf next to a picture of my children, I have one in the bathroom just to keep me humble, and I have a line of them in the back of the garage so that when I pull in, they reflect and I don't bump into the wall.
Welcome to the show. I'm out here because somebody had to do it and I guess they felt I was the best guy for it. Saturday Night Live, 25 years on the air and four funny. I mean who we kidding? Come on, as I look around this room I see the star power, the comedic genius, I'm looking at some of the most overrated people in the history of comedy. Some of the worst movies ever made were made by people in this room. Thank God we're going to do what we all do best: television.
I want to know how much of the show is scripted and how much crazy make'em up: you know, addlibs, improvs.
A legidiment question. Contrary to popular belief, the show is not improvised, SNL has a great staff of writers that craft every line of the show.
When I host, I say whatever I want. I free associate and I make up the skits and things like that and people seem to enjoy it.
Hey Tom! If you like Will Ferrell so much why don't you marry him?
Oh come on, Jon, what do you want me to do? You want me to lie and say Jon Lovitz is my favorite cast member?
He said it! He said it! Yes! Did you hear him? Jon Lovitz is his favorite cast member! And we're best friends!
Some people think that John Belushi is this Tasmanian beast blowing through life like a hurricane.
And he was.
But he could be so sweet too. He once gave me this marshmallow tin and after I moved to LA, John showed up unexpectidly one night and gave me this very hard to find Johnny Taylor Blues '45 because he remembered that I loved it years ago.
That was mine.
Gilda Radner was every young girl's comedy idol.
Watching Gilda taught us the three most important things about comedy: if you're gonna bang into a wall, you gotta do it like you mean it.
Yeah don't worry about looking geeky because you can look pretty later at the party.
Right, and don't ever be afraid to let people see your under pants.
Hey, Lorne, you were great in Austin Powers! Just so hilarious! Evil, really funny.
And you were good too, Mini-Lorne Michaels.
How are you Mini-Lorne? You hungry? Would you like a Hot Pocket? Can I get a frickin' Hot Pocket around here?
My friend and my older brother Phil Hartman spent eight years at Saturday Night Live and he eventually worked with over 25 cast members who were with us in the beginning.
The following is a film that Phil and I did in our third season. This is for you, Phil, we love you so much.
When I joined the cast in 1989, I was the new guy in the group that had been together for three years. I had to make new friends, I didn't have an office and Nora Dunn kept calling me Mark. She still does. She did it tonight. But then you do your work, time flies and before you know it you're a senior and one of the guys. Then you see the NEW new guy nervous, trying to write his first Update feature and your heart just says: "Wow. I must destroy him."
Anyone understand why I'm the only one getting paid tonight? Okay, there was some confusion. It's good to be here tonight, we've got Tom Hanks, Michael Douglas in the audience. Don't these TV people give you the creeps? I feel uneasy. Actually I'm here to talk about Chris. I did two movies with Chris Farley. A funny one called Tommy Boy and another one called Black Sheep. And not only was Chris funny but he was also business-savy, like when Black Sheep came out, we tried to think of ways to raise awareness. Something original. We had a great idea: when people sneezed, instead of saying Bless You, we'd say Black Sheep! It was almost too good: Achoo! Black Sheep! It never really caught on. Not even with friends. It was actually more Chris's idea. But the saddest part about tonight: it's hard to talk about him but the truth is that no one would've had a better time tonight around all his buddies, everyone he loved here.
Dr. Evil is sort of an amalgum of alot of diffrent people whom I respect and admire.
Right but did you have to name him Dr. Evil?
Well that just happens to be his last name, you know, I mean Marvin Gay isn't gay right? And you know, Dr. Evil is a really likable character. He loves animals, he loves his son, and he loves power and money. That's good right? Anyways, Dr. Evil is nothing like you, Lorne, I mean you don't have your henchmen kill people.
No, not since the '70s.
I'm Adam Sandler, and, um, Saturday Night Live. Wow. What a great show. This is unbelievable. All these great people here. A few years ago I used to be on this show and that was a good time, a lot of people used to be on this show. And I'm sure they had a great time too. Some people are still on this show and I'll bet they're having a blast also. Sketches. And talking about funny things. A lot of good times. After the show, sometimes I'd go with the other people who were on the show to the after the show parties and that was a good time too. Funny things and parties and all the people who have been on the show, that's um, so many people. So many funny things happen. I'm sorry, I'm not good at talking. Usually when I was on the show, I didn't write what I said. Other guys would write it for me, which is probably better than what I'm doing now. So why don't I ask three great writers who wrote alot of stuff for me to come bail me out: Mr. Jim Downey! Mr. Robert Smigel! Mr. Tim Herlihy! Fellas, can you help me out here? Can ya give me a little something?
Saturday Night Live ain't no jive.