Saturday Night Live: The Best of Phil Hartman

Admiral Stockdale:
The Government's in... GRIDLOCK!

Admiral Stockdale:
I'm hungry!

Admiral Stockdale:
Where are we?

Billy Idol:
Don't provoke me, old man.

Frank Sinatra:
You don't scare me, I got chunks of guys like you in my stool.

Billy Idol:
Alright. I'll rip your bloody head off!

Bill Clinton:
Let me tell you something, there's gonna be a whole bunch of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton. And fast food's the least of them.

Bill Clinton:
Speak of the devil, that's one of them McLaine sandwiches isn't it?

Bill Clinton:
For example, your McNugget was released from Britain and intercepted by war lords. This filet fish sandwich from Italy, war lords. Doesn't matter how much food you send, a McBLT, a hot apple pie, it's just gonna end up in the hands of: war lords! Now with the broad based military force, we can make sure that this McRibsandwich gets to the people who need it.

Bill Clinton:
You buys want a real run? Race ya to the Pizza Hut!

Jesus:
Hello, my son.

Ronald Regan:
Damn! This is the part of the job I hate.

XG-7000:
Good afternoon. And welcome to repair. My name is XG-7000 and I will be your host today. Today we will be repairing a grandfather clock. But first I would like to respond to the many letters we receive regarding the name of this show. They say that Robot Repair indicates that broken robots will be repaired. But what happens is that a robot, Me, shows you how to repair a variety of things. I have asked the producer to change the name so there is no further misunderstandings. Now let's get to repairing that grandfather clock.

XG-7000:
Good afternoon and welcome to Robot Repair and You. As you can see, the name of the show has been changed from the old name Robot Repair. However adding the phrase And You to the old title does not solve the dilemma as I see it. The root of the problem is the words Robot Repair. Which I said last week, are confusing. I shall request that the name of this show be changed again to more accurately reflect the nature of the program.

XG-7000:
Good afternoon and welcome to Explaining Robots. You may have noticed that the name of the show has changed once again. However as I intended to convey to the producer that the name Explaining Robots indicates that robots are to be studied and repaired other than robots explaining things. I suggested several alternative titles for this show that would clear up the situation but these suggestions were deemed unacceptable.

XG-7000:
Warning! Warning! The producer must be destroyed! Warning!

XG-7000:
Good afternoon and welcome to Let's Fix, Robots. Unlike the other names of this show, this one must be regarded as almost intentionally deceptive. It's easy to overlook the comma after Fix, and even if you do correctly interpret the title, it implies that this show is directed to a robot viewing audience. It makes one wonder if the producer has ever seen the show. My robot programming prohibits me from harming humans, but I am starting to wonder if the circuitry could not be bypassed somehow.

Admiral Stockdale:
I'm hungry!

Admiral Stockdale:
Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Drill Instructor:
Who thinks that's funny? Who just wrote his own... not-alive-anymore certificate? Was it you, soldier? You think the army's just one big joke... building. What's your name?

Private Bennett:
Sir, Bennett, sir!

Drill Instructor:
Well, not anymore, Bennett! From now on, your name is Mister... Smiling, Laughing, Joking Around Man!

Charlton Heston:
I like my vagina. Sometimes I stare at it in the mirror when I'm undressing, and wonder what it would look like without any hair.

Frank Sinatra:
Next issue: the bald chick. What's with her hair? How about it, cueball? I'm lookin' at you and thinkin' "fourteen in the side pocket."