Carpool

Travis:
Oh, I ate mud once. Tasted okay. But they had to take me to the hospital and pump my stomach and I met a guy with a monkey heart!

Travis:
I'm not crazy.

Daniel:
I didn't say you were.

Travis:
I was tested, ya know.

Daniel:
Well then you obviously cheated.

Daniel:
What are you doing?

Franklin:
Driving into the back of a truck, Dan, you ever watch the A-Team?

Franklin:
We could use a nut like you down at the carnival. Ever bite the head off a chicken?

Mr. Hammerman:
Not lately.

Franklin:
Where are your donuts?

Todd:
Sir, we're a gourmet market.

Franklin:
Okay, where are your gourmet donuts?

Daniel:
You want'em? 'Cause I'll sell them to you real cheap.

Franklin:
We've got a ferris wheel, tilt-a-whirl, bumper cars.

Bucky:
I like bumper cars.

Franklin:
Actually it's bumper *car*, the bank repossessed the rest of them.

Franklin:
Boy you're touchy.

Travis:
He's got hemorrhoids, Franklin.

Franklin:
You got 'roids?

Daniel:
Can't one of the neighbors drive the carpool? What about Mr. Kopek?

Mrs. Miller:
He's 88.

Daniel:
So he'll drive real slow.

Mrs. Miller:
He's had three strokes.

Daniel:
But never while driving.

Franklin:
Right, you're the expert on gas, Mom.

Franklin:
Uh oh. I dropped my wallet. I can't drive without a driver's license, you'll have to switch with me.

Daniel:
I don't think that rule applies when committing a felony.

Franklin:
Oh, right.

Franklin:
Listen, Dan, I'm not a perfect person. I see a buck on the ground, I pick it up. Sometimes I take more than 10 items right through the express lane, and I have a temper, like my neighbor plays his music too loud. So I killed him, I cut him up and I put him in my freezer. I'm just kidding! Just breaking the tension!

Franklin:
Excuse me, Lieutenant but I am not robbing this store.

Franklin:
They don't even serve donuts here, you should know that, you're a cop.

Franklin:
Great tape. This yours?

Daniel:
Oh yeah, I got everything by the Screaming Idiots.

Franklin:
This is the Ramones, actually, I haven't heard the Idiots yet, maybe you can turn me on to them.

Franklin:
Aw you didn't have to do that.

Franklin:
*THE* Ringling Brothers?

Andrew:
Mrs. Karkanie is giving me a do over. She says everyone get's a second chance.

Daniel:
That's only because she's been married 5 times. Let me tell you something, sport, in the business world there are no second chances.

Andrew:
It's freezing.

Franklin:
Huddle together if you're cold, I'll turn on the heat.

Daniel:
That's brilliant. See in order to get heat you have to turn on the engine, thereby trapping the fumes and rendering us all dead by asphixiation.

Franklin:
In that case forget the heat. Hey who farted? Did you cut the cheese, Dan?

Daniel:
For God's sake, no I did not.

Franklin:
How about you, Kayla?

Kayla:
Girls don't fart.

Franklin:
Really? Come over to my house sometime and ask my mom why all our cats committed suicide.

Franklin:
Hey there, Dan, you're late.

Daniel:
Well I didn't take our usual shortcut through the mall.

Daniel:
Believe me, Hammerman's is better than mud.

Bucky:
Is that gonna be your new Hammerman's slogan, Dad?

Franklin:
No calls! That is, no obscene calls. He's trying to quit.

Daniel:
I am not.

Franklin:
Well you should! What's your phone number?

Daniel:
9-1-1.

Franklin:
Very funny. Do realize if I get arrested you won't make your meeting because you'll be filling out police reports until next October.

Andrew:
Look, Mr. Kopek's working in his yard.

Daniel:
Yeah. Let this be a lesson to you kids, the world says that he's too old to drive a car but look at him, he's a vibrant, healthy old man who can do anything he put's his mind to.

Andrew:
Dad, Mr. Kopek's not wearing his pants.

Daniel:
Yeah so from now on you kids stay away from him okay?

Kayla:
BUCKY!

Bucky:
What? I thought you were scared, so I grabbed you shoulder.

Kayla:
That *wasn't* my *shoulder*.

Andrew:
I want to be the hostage!

Kayla:
How come I never get to be the hostage?

Travis:
That's because you're a girl.

Bucky:
Hey, girls can be hostages, too. I mean, we're moving toward the twenty-first century and girls can be whatever they want.

Kayla:
Right on, sister.

Daniel:
Ok, quiet down or nobody gets to be the hostage!

Bucky:
Well, that made sense, dad.