Saved!

Pastor Skip:
Patrick, this is not a gray area.

Patrick:
Dad, it's all a gray area.

Pastor Skip:
THE BIBLE IS BLACK AND WHITE!

Roland:
Are you ok?

Hilary Faye:
No, Roland... I crashed my van into Jesus! okay? I have a pimple the size of Jupiter! No, I am NOT ok! This is not how I wanted to remember my Prom. This is not how I wanted to remember my life.

Roland:
Well maybe we can fix it... with glue, or something

Pastor Skip:
Alright! Alright! Who's down with G-O-D?

Hilary Faye:
PASTOR SKIP!

Patrick:
Do you wanna go out sometime? I'm like, totally adorable.

Mary:
Oh, I'm not dating right now.

Patrick:
What about tomorrow? Will you be dating then?

Tia:
Sorry about Dean's faggotry.

Hilary Faye:
You know, secondhand smoke kills.

Cassandra:
I'm counting on it.

Lillian:
I keep trying to remind myself that when Jesus closes a door he opens a window.

Mary:
Yeah, so we have something to jump out of.

Cassandra:
There's only one reason Christian girls comes down to the Planned Parenthood.

Roland:
She's planting a pipe bomb?

Cassandra:
Okay, two reasons.

Mary:
Please be cancer, please be cancer, please be cancer...

Roland:
You have everything, Hillary Faye. What are you afraid of?

Mary:
Dean! What are you doing here?

Dean:
I'm going to my Prom.

Mary:
Mercy House let you guys take the van?

Dean:
Well no not really, we sort of started up a rebellion and swiped it. You're pregnant?

Mary:
I wanted to tell you...

Dean:
Our first time?

Dean:
That's so awesome.

Tia:
JESUS DIED FOR YOUR SINS!

Hilary Faye:
Tia, calm down! Do you wanna go back to being the invisible girl with bad hair?

Mary:
What? Did they send you over so you could strap me onto the back of your scooter?

Patrick:
"Scooter"? Mary, this is a Vespa.

Patrick:
I like you, Mary. I do. God gave us free will, and that day at Hilary Faye's, you weren't afraid to use it. You inspired me. You amaze me, Mary.

Patrick:
God gave us all free will - and that day at Hilary Faye's prayer circle you weren't afraid to use it. It inspired - you amaze me.

Mary:
Why would God make us all so different if he wanted us to be the same?

Mary:
So everything that doesn't fit into some stupid idea of what you think God wants you just try to hide or fix or get rid of? It's just all too much to live up to. No one fits in one hundred percent of the time ? not even you.

Pastor Skip:
I know that, Mary.

Dean:
I know in my heart that Jesus still loves me.

Mary:
Why would God make us all so different if he wanted us to be the same?

Hilary Faye:
Well, if it isn't the Heathens.

Cassandra:
Rot in hell, you narrow-minded, tacky-ass b*tch!

Hilary Faye:
I know what you're looking at, Mary. And Jesus does too.

Cassandra:
You can tacky up prom on your own, cause I quit.

Hilary Faye:
Quit? You can't quit!

Cassandra:
Watch me. Watch me walkin' away. Watch me walkin' away from Jesus!

Mary:
Why would God make us so different if he wanted us to be the same?

Veronica:
Roland is so blessed to have such a thoughtful sister. You know, in countries like China, Hilary Faye would probably have been killed at birth.

Hilary Faye:
And then where would you be, Roland?

Roland:
China.

Trudy Mason:
Patrick has recently returned from South Africa where he worked as a missionary and just completed a world tour as part of the Christian Skateboarders Association.

Cassandra:
Been hittin' the board for the Lord? God, is nothing sacred to you people?

Pastor Skip:
I think the Christian thing to do would be to let them stay.

Hilary Faye:
The Christian thing to do? I have been doing the CHRISTIAN THING my whole life! I did not have sex with a gay and try to blame it on Jesus!

Mary:
Hilary Faye...

Hilary Faye:
Oh, shut up, you fornicator!

Cassandra:
Look at you, you're starting to look like a smuggler. That doesn't bother you? People smoking around you? It's so bad for the baby.

Mary:
I'm not pregnant.

Cassandra:
So what are you gonna do? It's too late for the big "A". I know a place where you could sell it.

Mary:
I'm not going to sell my-

Cassandra:
It's Dean's, isn't it?

Dean:
We've been kicked out of our homes, our schools, and now we're going to be kicked out of Mercy House - there's nowhere left for us to go!

Mary:
How was your summer, Roland?

Roland:
What?

Mary:
Your summer. How was it?

Roland:
Oh, it was great. I went roller-skating, water-skiing, kickboxing. The usual.

Hilary Faye:
Roland, why do you always have to make everyone feel so awkward about your differently-abled-ness?

Mary:
Mercy House is a place that deals with all kinds of problems, like teenage mothers to alcoholism and..."de-gayification".

Pastor Skip:
Let's get our Christ on, let's kick it Jesus-style!

Cassandra:
Tacky up Prom yourself, b*tch - I quit.

Mary:
Does it ever bother you that he can't walk?

Cassandra:
He can't walk?

Cassandra:
Piss off, a**hole! Oh, and another thing? No more muffins for you! The muffin shop is closed!

Hilary Faye:
I mean you're not born a gay, you're born again!

Mary:
I need to tell you guys something.

Hilary Faye:
Eew.

Veronica:
Eew.

Roland:
WHAT? Wasn't like it was some kind of secret. The guy was like a one-man gay pride parade.

Cassandra:
Hey, Hilary Faye, I can see your pad.

Cassandra:
Are you playing footsies with me?

Roland:
More like wheelsies.

Cassandra:
He kicked me out! And it was the one time I didn't do anything!

Hilary Faye:
Roland, does Jesus still love me?

Roland:
Probably not.

Cassandra:
So anyways, i finally managed to duct tape a piece of bacon into her locker.

Hilary Faye:
Hey Cassandra, how do you feel?

Cassandra:
I'm a whole new girl, Hay Faye.

Hilary Faye:
I told you! How great is Jesus?

Cassandra:
Yeah, about that...I've decided to devote my life to Satan, instead. But thanks!

Pastor Skip:
(to Hilary Faye, Veronica and Tia) Listen, I'm concerned about Mary. Something's going on.

Hilary Faye:
Yeah, me too.

Pastor Skip:
She's part of your posse, and I think that you could help her. I'm gonna need you be a warrior out there in the front line of Jesus.

Tia:
You mean like shoot her?

Pastor Skip:
(laughs) No, no, no ... I was thinking of something a little less gangsta. I need someone who's spiritually armed to help guide her back to her faith--the love and care that only Jesus can supply. You down with that?

Hilary Faye:
Yeah, I'm down with that.

Pastor Skip:
She's pretty vulnerable right now, so I'm gonna need you to be extra gentle.

Hilary Faye:
In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you, leave the body of this servant of God ...

Mary:
You're performing an exorcism on me?!?!? Get off me! [she shoves Veronica aside and gets out of the van]

Tia:
Where are you going? Get back here!

Hilary Faye:
Mary, we've gotta get rid of the evil in you.

Tia:
[holding up a picture of Jesus] It's God's will!

Mary:
God's will?

Tia:
Christ died for your sins!

Hilary Faye:
OK, wait a second. [pushes Tia aside] So are you not gonna accept our intervention here?

Mary:
You mean kidnapping? No!

Hilary Faye:
You are backsliding into the flames of hell.

Veronica:
You've become a magnet for sin! We've all witnessed it.

Mary:
Sure, Veronica acting all pure--what about last spring break at the Promise Makers' rally, huh?

Hilary Faye:
Oh my God ... you are making accusations as we're trying to save your soul? Mary, turn away from Satan. Jesus, he loves you.

Mary:
You don't know the first thing about love.

Hilary Faye:
I am filled with Christ's love! [throws her Bible at Mary] You are just jealous of my success in the Lord.

Mary:
[Mary hands Bible back to Hilary Faye] This is not a weapon, you idiot.

Mary:
So, what do you think of the new ride?

Veronica:
Oh, you're so lucky, Hilary Faye.

Hilary Faye:
Yeah. I could have had a Lexus Gold Edition, you know. [indicating Roland]

Veronica:
Wow. Roland is blessed with such a thoughtful sister. In countries like China, Hilary Faye probably would have been killed at birth.

Hilary Faye:
Yeah...and then where would you be, Roland?

Roland:
[deadpan] China.

Hilary Faye:
You know, smoking isn't just bad for you; it's bad for all of us. Secondhand smoke kills.

Cassandra:
I'm counting on it. [throws the lit cigarette at Hilary Faye]

Hilary Faye:
[after Roland spills sauce onto her pants] Do you wanna go wait in the van again? Do you know these are new pants! You're handicapped, but get it together.

Cassandra:
Hey, Roland, how about we get outta here and you can give me a little spin in that thing? Release his parking brake, Hilary "Fake."

Hilary Faye:
[to Cassandra] You smell like Tia's dad, have you been drinking? [camera shows Tia with a sour look on her face]

Cassandra:
Hey, isn't that --

Roland:
Mary?? What's she doing downtown?

Cassandra:
There's only one reason Christian girls come down to the Planned Parenthood!

Roland:
She's planting a pipe bomb!?

Cassandra:
Well, two reasons.

Roland:
With Dean? I think there's a better chance of that pipe bomb.

Patrick:
Do you wanna go out sometime?

Mary:
What, are you gonna take me out on your scooter?

Patrick:
Come on. I'm like, totally adorable. Besides, it'd drive Hilary Faye crazy.

Mary:
I can't. I'm not...dating right now.

Patrick:
What about tomorrow night? Will you be dating then?

Mary:
Good night, Patrick.

Mary:
[about the Virgin Mary] I know this is wrong, but do you ever wonder if she just made the whole thing up? I mean, it's a pretty good one. It's not like anyone can ever use virgin birth as an excuse again.

[pause]

Mary:
I don't really think she made it up, but I can understand why a girl would.

Mary:
Why would Dean's parents send him to a place like that?

Lillian:
They probably didn't think they could handle it.

Mary:
What do you mean?

Lillian:
Well, having a child is like owning a car. I can change the oil, fill the gas tank, take it to a car wash, but if the carburetor broke, I wouldn't have a clue as to how to fix it.

Mary:
So, you're saying you'd just send me to a place like Mercy House?

Lillian:
Oh, Mary, please don't tell me you're a lesbian!

Mary:
Mom...

Lillian:
Do I need to worry about you? No. No, you're perfect. I don't have to worry about you.

Mary:
[voice-over] My mom just compared me to a car, so me having a baby is definitely under the category of things she couldn't handle.

[Mary is going into labor and is being carried into an ambulance]

Paramedic:
I only got room for one of you.

Dean:
I'm the father.

Patrick:
I'm her boyfriend.

Mitch:
[points to Dean] I'm HIS boyfriend.

Paramedic:
That's nice, but I've still only got room for one of you.

Lillian:
[climbing into the ambulance] Starting the party without me?

[Mary and Lillian are watching a game show]

Lillian:
I hate this show. [switches channel]

Announcer on TV:
Coming up on Lifetime: Valerie Bertinelli stars in Bitter Harvest, a sensitive portrayal of one woman's struggle with cancer.

Lillian:
Oh, this looks good.

[many minutes later]

Valerie Bertinelli:
There was a feeling of twilight in the air. All honeydew and lilac. God wasn't just smiling down on me; he was...jumping up and cheering! And then, well...I thought I was pregnant. I'd been throwing up every morning and I hadn't had my period in two months, so I took a home pregnancy test.

Woman, off-camera:
What happened?

Valerie Bertinelli:
...found out I wasn't pregnant. It was the cancer.

Mary:
She found all that out from a home pregnancy test?

[in the gym; Cassandra and Mary have to help Hilary Faye decorate for prom. Cassandra's hanging a sign on a rafter]

Hilary Faye:
You better be wearing underpants this time. No, seriously, move it higher. Higher!

Pastor Skip:
Oh, you're doing a great job, Cassandra. It's looking really phat.

Cassandra:
[mocking voice] I'm so glad.

Tia:
I thought you were going to ask Patrick to the prom.

Hilary Faye:
Tia, would you just shut up? Do you want to go back to being invisible girl with bad hair? 'Cause that could easily happen.

Mary:
[voiceover] Veronica was adopted by her parents when they were missionaries in Vietnam. Hilary Faye sees her as an example of God's will triumphing over a savage, Godless nation.

Mary:
[to a cross, after discovering she's pregnant] Sh*t! F***! [under her breath] Goddamn.

Hilary Faye:
[when she crashes her car] I crashed my van into Jesus!

Hilary Faye:
[when throwing a Bible at Mary] I am FILLED with Christ's love!

Hilary Faye:
[when talking to Rowland about Jesus] Of course he's white.