Splash

Allen:
It just so happens I come from a very long line of married people.

Freddie:
They published my letter. Here it is, "A lesbian no more". They published my letter.

Freddie:
What you looking at? You never seen a guy who slept with a fish before?

Allen:
I don't understand. All my life I've been waiting for someone and when I find her, she's... she's a fish.

Freddie:
People fall in love every day, huh? Is that what you said?

Allen:
Yeah.

Freddie:
Yeah? Well, that's a crock. It doesn't work that way. Look, do you realize how happy you were with her? That is, of course, when you weren't driving yourself crazy. Every day? Come on. Some people will never BE that happy. I'LL never be that happy. What am I talking to you for? You don't know anything.

Walter Kornbluth:
I'm really a nice guy. If I had friends you could ask them.

Stan, the Tour Guide:
The Statue is a gift from French citizens and has come to symbolize hope for naked women everywhere... BOCCE BALLS.

Walter Kornbluth:
What a week I'm having.

Dr Zidell:
What's happened to you? You were the brightest student in my class. True, emotionally you were twelve years old.

Walter Kornbluth:
I was twelve years old.

Allen:
Freddie, the woman learned how to speak English in a single afternoon.

Freddie:
She could probably speak English already. I think she was in shock from bein' arrested y'know?

Allen:
Well now, what about that, huh? What about a woman showing up naked in a public place, Freddie?

Freddie:
Well I'm for it, of course.

Claude:
There's a guy down the beach that runs people out to the island.

Allen:
What's the name?

Claude:
The guy, or the island?

Allen:
I'll find him.

Walter Kornbluth:
I suppose you're just some harmless beachcomber who happens to wear a TUXEDO.

Claude:
Hey, Mr. Cornbeef?

Walter Kornbluth:
Kornbluth!

Claude:
Watcha lookin' for down there? Buried treasure?

Walter Kornbluth:
Wanna know what I'm looking for? Boys? I'll tell ya. NONE OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS! THATS'S WHAT I'M LOOKIN FOR! Get outta my way!

Freddie:
Allen. You all right?

Allen:
Yeah. Get me outta here.

Freddie:
Is anyone here from Penthouse Magazine?

Freddie:
Then we aint talkin.

Madison:
You said whatever my secret was, you'd understand.

Allen:
I know, but...

Madison:
You thought at least I was a human being

Mrs Stimler:
Oh Mr. Bauer, you had a million messages. I wrote them down right here. You got calls from CBS, NBC, ABC, AP, UPI, Ted Turner, Time, Newsweek, Marineland, Ripley's Believe it or Not, and Mrs. Paul.

Allen:
I didn't even LIKE you when I first met you.

Walter Kornbluth:
NOBODY likes me when they first meet me.

Madison:
Allen...

Walter Kornbluth:
MMMMMOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVE!

Walter Kornbluth:
There is a mermaid in New York City.

Dr Zidell:
Oh... oh... sure... sure... y-you mean this... this... this "naked girl"? How come she's got legs?

Walter Kornbluth:
She has legs out of the water, she has fins in the water. You taught me that Dr. Zidell, don't you remember? You taught me all the legends.

Walter Kornbluth:
BEHOLD the MERMAID.

Allen:
She's really hungry.

Stan, the Tour Guide:
Batchie balls!

Allen:
Are there any messages?

Mrs. Stimler:
Oh, yes. [goes back to working]

Allen:
[pause] And they are?

Mrs. Stimler:
Huh? Oh, your father called. He wants you to call him back.

Allen:
[pauses] Mrs. Stimler, our father passed away about five years ago. Do you remember?

Mrs. Stimler:
[confused look] Right. Shall I get him for you?

Allen:
No, thank you.

Allen:
You know by the time I got there, she was already gone.

Freddie:
Victoria left, huh?

Allen:
Yeah. You know why she left, Freddie? Because I didn't love her.

Freddie:
That b*tch.

[Allen is an usher at a wedding and has recently ended a relationship.]

Wedding Guest:
Hey, Allen! Where's Victoria?

Allen:
She's not coming! What, do you want your money back?!

Guest:
Hey, Allen!

Allen:
She left me! She moved out and my life's shambles, all right? That's the news, you want the weather? Anywhere but the first three rows!

[Allen has passed out and laying on the bar in a snack bowl]

Freddie:
You see, drinking is a matter of algebraic ratio. How drunk you get is caused by the amount of alcohol you consume in relation to your total body weight. You see my point? It's not that you had too much to drink. You're just too skinny.

[Allen remains comatose]

Freddie:
Bartender! Another round for my friend and I here!

Allen:
No, no, Freddie! I don't want to get drunk!

Freddie:
But you are drunk. You see, a sober person would have reached for the pretzels.

Bartender:
Is he gonna be up there all day?

Freddie:
I don't know.

Allen:
[coming to] Ohh... I'm on the bar!

Freddie:
Oh, you're on the bar. Here, let me help you down.

[Allen slips and falls to the floor]

Freddie:
Uh-oh, you fell.

Allen:
What is your name?

Madison:
It's hard to say in English.

Allen:
Then just say it in your language.

Madison:
All right. My name is... [makes high-pitched squeals that shatter all the television screens]

Allen:
[nervously to the clerks] So, how about those Knicks?

[Madison is hiding in the bathroom, desperately trying to dry off her tail]

Allen:
All right, Madison, now this is getting scary. If you don't open this door, I'm going to break it down!

Madison:
No, Allen! Please!

Allen:
Madison!

Madison:
Allen, no! [throws a towel over herself]

Allen:
All right, that's it!

[He busts the door open to see Madison laying on the bathroom floor; Madison has returned to her human form]

Madison:
Hi.

Allen:
Hi. Is everything okay?

Madison:
Yeah.

Allen:
Why wouldn't you let me in?

Madison:
I was... shy.

Allen:
You were shy? After the cab, the elevator, and on top of the refrigerator, you were shy?

Madison:
I was shy.

Allen:
[to himself] She was shy.

Dr. Zidell:
What's happened to you? You were the brightest student in my class. True, emotionally you were twelve years old.

Kornbluth:
I was twelve years old.

Dr. Zidell:
That's right. And look what you've become, a schmuck.

Kornbluth:
There is a mermaid in New York City.

Dr. Zidell:
Oh, oh, sure, sure. You mean this-this-this naked girl? How come she's got legs?

Kornbluth:
She has legs out of the water, she has fins in the water. You taught me that, Dr. Zidell, don't you remember? You taught me all the legends.

[Allen sees his employees staring at him]

Freddie:
What are you looking at? You never saw a guy who slept with a fish before? Get back to work!

[Allen and Freddie are about to enter the office]

Mrs. Stimler:
[to Allen] Oh Mr. Bauer, you had a million messages. I wrote them down here. You got calls from CBS, NBC, ABC, AP, UPI, Time, Ted Turner, Newsweek, Marineland, Ripley's Believe it or Not, and Mrs. Paul.

Freddie:
Not now, Mrs. Stimler. All right.

Allen:
I don't understand. All my life, I've been waiting for someone and when I find her, she's... she's a fish.

Freddie:
Nobody said love's perfect.

Allen:
Oh, Freddie, I don't expect it to be perfect! But for God's sake, it's usually human! Every day, people meet, they fall in love, every day! And look at what I got.

Freddie:
[angrily] Look at what you got, huh? Yeah, let's look at what you got. Let's take a good look at what you got. People fall in love every day, huh? Is that what you said?

Allen:
Yeah.

Freddie:
Yeah? Well, that's a crock. It doesn't work that way. Look, do you at least realize how happy you were with her? That is, of course, when you weren't driving yourself crazy. Every day? Come on. Some people will never be that happy. I'll never be that happy! [pause] What am I talking to you for? You don't know anything. Mrs. Stimler! [leaves the office]

Allen:
I didn't even like you when I first met you.

Kornbluth:
Nobody likes me when they first meet me.

Madison:
Allen...

[Allen and Kornbluth look back to see the Marines approaching them]

Kornbluth:
Move!

Allen Bauer:
I am not a fish! How many times do I have to tell you people that? Now, will you just let me outta here? Please? Huh? People?

Walter Kornbluth:
I was right. Behold, the mermaid!