Bad Santa2003

Willie:
Is that your underwear?

Kid:
Part of it.

Willie:
Where the hell's the rest of it?

Willie:
Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know. What do you want?

Kid:
I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink. But now I changed my mind.

Willie:
Yeah? What?

Kid:
Now I don't want an elephant at all. I want a gorilla named Davy for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear. And he can take his orders from the talking walnut, so it won't be my bad thing.

Willie:
Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no f***ing gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did?

Kid:
He made it all better?

Willie:
No, he kicked my ass. You know why?

Kid:
Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?

Willie:
What the f***? No!

Kid:
He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?

Willie:
No. It's because he was a mean, drunk, son of a b*tch. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You have to stop being a p*ssy and kick these kids in the balls or something.

Willie:
Or don't. Sh*t. I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it.

Kid:
Okay. Thanks Santa.