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Todd the Demon:
Yo, bros, what's the 411 with our mental landlord here?

Demon 1:
[scoffs]

Demon 2:
Not now, Todd.

Demon 1:
Come on, Todd. Nobody says, "What's the 411?" anymore.

– Mr. Neighbor's House (2016)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Donna the Mystic:
[correcting Mr. Neighbor] You have demons inside of you.

Mr. Neighbor:
Well, if I have demons inside of me, how come my stomach doesn't hurt?

Donna the Mystic:
That's not how demons work. They live in the lungs.

– Mr. Neighbor's House (2016)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Donna the Mystic:
Hey, Jim, you summoned a demon of your own creation. Deal with it.

Demon 1:
Don't even bother. We've been trying to get this guy to deal with us for years. He's a coward.

Demon 2:
Let me guess. Floral purse. Floral purse.

Demon 1:
Again. [laughs]

Demon 2:
Look at him. He won't even look at us.

Demon 1:
It's literally the definition of repression.

– Mr. Neighbor's House (2016)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Donna the Mystic:
If you bury painful desires, they will become horrible demons inside you -- INSIDE YOUR MIND!

Mr. Neighbor:
Don't be silly mystic, Donna the Mystic.

[looks at the audience]

Mr. Neighbor:
When you have bad feelings, the best thing to do is to shove them way down deep inside, that way you -- [pictures a scary face] Ohh!

– Mr. Neighbor's House (2016)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Donna the Mystic:
Oh, ball of crystal, show us your convex images of Mr. Neighbor's truest wish.

[the Ball of Crystal shows a random purse]

Donna the Mystic:
Of course! You want your mother.

Mr. Neighbor:
No! No! I don't know what this is!

Donna the Mystic:
Firstly, get your hands of my ball.

– Mr. Neighbor's House (2016)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Mr. Neighbor:
Hello, Donna the Mystic. Today is my bi--

Donna the Mystic:
Your birthday. But you don't know what to wish for.

Mr. Neighbor:
Wow. You really are mystical.

– Mr. Neighbor's House (2016)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Jen:
I have to finish delivering Mr. Neighbor's birthday invitations.

Officer Policecop:
Well, I hate to slow you down there, Ms. Lady. You were doing 26 in a school zone.

Jen:
I'm the only one who can help him.

[Jen grabs Officer's police stick]

Jen:
[menacing] I'm the only one who cares.

[Jen beats Office Policecop nearly to death]

Jen:
The only one! The only one! The only one! The only one!

Jen:
See you at the party, Dad.

– Mr. Neighbor's House (2016)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Gary Bunda:
New orientation video.

Satan:
Alright. Let's see it.

Gary Bunda:
Now, before I play this, I just want you to know that it's not fully finalized. I'm not sure if this TV is color-calibrated or not.

Satan:
Alright, cool. Just play it.

Gary Bunda:
Um, just so you know, also, before I play it, there's some digital effects I'm waiting on. Um, and so when they come up, what I'm gonna do is I'll came them out and I'll describe them.

Satan:
Yeah, I get it.

Gary Bunda:
I wasn't sure whether to letterbox it or not. And I know --

[Satan throws the clipboard at Gary]

Satan:
PLAY THE F***ING TAPE!

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Caleb:
I don't know why we have an orientation video. Seems like it's better if they're disoriented. Why don't we make a disoriental tape?

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Benji:
By now, you've met with one of our rusty whaling hooks and you have questions like, "What were my sins that landed me here?" "What sort of additional tortures should I expect?" Maybe you're thinking "Is there a way to escape?" Or "Would someone please return my intestines into my gaping stomach wound?"

Tortured Citizen:
Is the boring video a part of the torture?

Gary Bunda:
Shh. Quiet.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Benji:
Hi, I'm Benji, and welcome to Hell. Hey, it could be worse! [laughs] I'm kidding. It could "not" be worse.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Dizzay:
Gary! What's up, man?

Gary Bunda:
Hey, psyche! I was a double agent the whole time! Yeah, Satan sent me to Heaven because he said I was the only demon that he could trust, so I accepted the burden.

Satan:
You were the only one with and anal fissure big enough to hold three dudes and six tons of explosives.

Gary Bunda:
That is true, as well.

Ubuntu:
A video will explain everything at the end.

Gary Bunda:
I KNOW THERE'S A VIDEO, UBUNTU!

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

[Gary explains why Heaven was destructed]

Gary Bunda:
There were demons in my ass that made me do this.

Scott:
[happily] It has been very nice to have met you, and I wish you all the luck in your future endeavors.

Gary Bunda:
We can maybe pray about this, huh?

[Gary gets sent back to hell]

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Gary Bunda:
Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Stop what you're doing. My stomachache's gone, Wendy.

Scott:
Good news, bro.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, wow! Jesus-Man! Kicking evil in the... [sees the comic quote has been changed] What's a Golfgroin?

Wendy:
Standard wasn't comfortable with golf balls.

Gary Bunda:
It's golf balls. They're everywhere around here. My grandmother says golf balls, alright? And she won't even say damn or pussy.

Scott:
The groin is still edgy.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Gary Bunda:
Alright. What do I got to do?

Claude:
You just get around Heaven, moon some classified stuff. I'll take a few photos and that's it. Let's start with this column.

Gary Bunda:
I don't really know why you got to take a picture of a load-bearing column, but --

[As Gary stand close to the column of his butt, Claude putted dynamite instead of taking photos]

Claude:
Hey, Gar? What do you think? You think you could get your ass up near that support beam up there?

Gary Bunda:
I guess I can just crawl up there and hang my ass off the balcony like I'm Spider-Man.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

[Claude, Benji, and Ubuntu punch and stomp Gary's butt to get Gary's attention]

Gary Bunda:
I'm really sorry. This pew keep creaking.

Gary Bunda:
I got to go golfing. Keep praying!

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Dennis:
Nice pottery, by the way.

Gary Bunda:
Thank you so much. It's a soup tureen.

Dennis:
We should have some soup later.

Gary Bunda:
[laughs] I'd love that!

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

[The angel workers sees Gary doing inappropriate stuff to the statue]

Claudius:
What are you doing, Gary?

Gary Bunda:
I'm just marking my ball.

Claudius:
Well, the course is way over there.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, must have shanked it.

Claudius:
Yeah, that's a term. I mean, it looks like you're taking a poop, so...no one wants to see your butt.

Gary Bunda:
I'm made in God's image. Me and God have the same exact perfect butt. You criticizing God's butt?

Angel Employee:
[gasps] Are you, Claudius? Are you criticizing God's butt?

Claudius:
Of course I'm not criticizing God's butt.

Dennis:
Claudius!

Angel Employee:
It seemed like you were.

Claudius:
I love God's butt.

Gary Bunda:
Why don't you go whack some balls around? On the holes.

Claudius:
They're called links.

Gary Bunda:
So are sausages.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

[Gary makes a pottery object for him to take a dump without no one else watching]

Claude:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop! Wait! Wait, wait! Stop! Gary!

Gary Bunda:
Claude?

[shows Claude hiding inside of Gary's butt]

Claude:
Stop sh***ing me out of your butt.

Gary Bunda:
C-Claude, you are not here.

Benji:
Hey, Gar!

Gary Bunda:
Benji! What are you doing down there?

Benji:
I'm here in case something happens to Claude. And this mission is way too important.

Ubuntu:
Hey, Gary.

Gary Bunda:
Ubuntu? Mission? What are you guys talking about?

Claude:
You're a plant. We hacked into St. Peter's book to get you up here so I could spy on their whole operation.

Gary Bunda:
I am not gonna do that with you, alright? God loves me. And his love is as pure and as white as Gwyneth Paltrow's belly button. And there's jerky here -- A sh*t ton of it.

Claude:
St. Peter!

Ubuntu:
St. Peter.

Claude:
This Gary is a fraud!

Gary Bunda:
Shut your mouth.

[Gary tries to slap his bottoms to shut Claude up]

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, how do you like that, huh, Claude? [laughs] Got you, Claude.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

[Gary needs to take a dump again]

Gary Bunda:
I'm going to go make some pottery.

Scott:
With the women? [laughs]

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

[Gary got pinned from the masturbating spider that appeared out of nowhere]

Wendy:
Are you okay? I think he has PTSD.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Gary Bunda:
If God has perfect memory, why are writing down the messages?

Wendy:
You can take notes or not. You know, it doesn't matter. We're pretty chill. You can work at your own pace.

Gary Bunda:
I can do zero pace if I want to?

Wendy:
Absolutely.

Gary Bunda:
So I can... [takes off the headphones]

Wendy:
Yep. Put those back on! I'm just kidding.

Gary Bunda:
[laughs]

Wendy:
I'm just kidding.

Gary Bunda:
You scared me.

Wendy:
[laughs] No, it all goes to voicemail. We're really just listening to be nice.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Gary Bunda:
Hey. Is there any way I can make it snow for this kid? Is there like a button or something?

Wendy:
Oh, he can't hear you. The mikes don't work.

Gary Bunda:
[laughs] Then, uh, why do we have them?

Wendy:
They actually don't sell these without the mouthpieces, so.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
1 month ago

Mr. Neighbor:
Hello, Chef Bread. I -- [chuckles] Sorry. Bonjour, Chef Bread.

Mr. Neighbor:
Now...I-I'm sorry to interrupt, Chef Bread. I don't have time for a Francais lesson. You see, today is my 31st annual 5th birthday, and I --

[Mr. Neighbor stops talking, but Chef Bread didn't say a word]

Mr. Neighbor:
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY! IT'S WHAT I WANT IT TO BE!

– Mr. Neighbor's House (2016)

added by timothyj.29104
2 months ago

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