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"Happy You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact." »Happy Gilmore
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"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'" »Steven Wright
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"While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife." »Baghdad Betty, Iraqi radio announcer, to gulf war troops
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"My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed." »Steven Wright, I Have a Pony
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"Be yourself. I mean, who are you kidding. If you be yourself, you'll find you're PERFECT friend. You're PERFECT boyfriend. You're PERFECT girlfriend. You'll be happy, instead of trying to be someone you know you aren't. You'd be a shadow of a figure you don't even recognize. Chained in a lie. If you be yourself, you'd have confidence, and life would be SO MUCH EASIER! Be yourself, for the sake of others who want to be friends with you, but don't know who you are. If you're yourself, maybe we'll get rid of the snobby popular girls that force you to be someone else. Think about it. Be yourself." »Unknown
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"Mitch True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend..." »Old School
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"i don't like having friends, i would rather have brothers.
because friends, once you get into a fight with them, you wouldn't mind if you guys ever spoke again or not. But brothers, its different, if something happens, nobody's gonna be standing next to you in every good or bad situation, its kinda the same thing for a girlfriend, i'll get upset if we fight ... because she won't be here to make me laugh and smile, but the love between a girl and a guy isn't the same as the love between two brothers - Zen" »Zen diab
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"Merrill Morgan, this crop stuff is just about a bunch of nerds who never had a girlfriend their whole lives. They're like thirty now. They make up secret codes and analyze Greek mythology and make secret societies where other guys who never had girlfriends can join in. They do stupid crap like this to feel special. It's a scam. Nerds were doin' it twenty five years ago and new nerds are doing it again." »Signs
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