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If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States. – H. L. Mencken
Sandy Carl I want you to kill all the gophers on the golf course Carl Spackler Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they'll lock me up and throw away the key. Sandy Not golfers, you great fool. Gophers. THE LITTLE BROWN, FURRY RODENTS. Carl Spackler We can do that. We don't even need a reason. – CaddyShack
A golf course is the epitome of all that is transitory in the universe, a space not to dwell in, but to get over as quickly as possible. – Jean Giraudoux
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. – Dave Barry
And the wind shall say Here were decent godless people. Their only monument the asphalt road. And a thousand lost golf balls. – T. S. Eliot
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way. – Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
Does Grandpa love to baby-sit his grandchildren Are you kidding By day he is too busy taking hormone shots at the doctor's or chip shots on the golf course. At night he and Grandma are too busy doing the cha-cha. – Hal
Dr. Joel Fleischman in nature. Not exactly the man you knew. He couldn't see past the Hudson River if he tried. He liked his fish smoked or preferable hand sliced from Zabars on a sliced bagel served with onions. Nature, to him, was an irritant. Birds didn't sing, they woke him up. A body of water wasn't life, it was a golf hazard.. – Robin Green
Foster golf club and cemetery - Only one stroke away from each other... – David Helyar
Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at. – Jimmy Demaret
Golf has too much walking to be a good game, and just enough game to spoil a good walk. – Harry Leon Wilson
Golf is a game in which you claim the privileges of age, and retain the playthings of childhood. – Samuel Johnson
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill- designed for the purpose. – Winston Churchill
Golf is like a love affair if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun. If you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart. – Arnold Daly
Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around. – Rick Reilly
Golf is very much like a love affair, if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart. Don't break your heart, but flirt with the possibility. – Louise Suggs
Golf isn't a game, it's a choice that one makes with one's life. – Charles Rosin
Golf may be played on Sunday, not being a game within the view of the law, but being a form of moral effort. – Stephen Leacock
Happy Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant. Probably a great golfer. Huge ass. – Happy Gilmore
I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. – G.K. Chesterton
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. – Bob Hope
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. – H.L. Mencken
It is nothing new or original to say that golf is played one stroke at a time. But it took me many years to realize it. – Bobby Jones
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do. – Unknown
It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. – Hank Aaron

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