Found 2,060 quotes starting with IF:

Skip to:I - IBIC - IEIFIGIHII - IKIL - INIO - IQIR - ITIU - IWIX - IZ

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, 'Forgive me, but that's just too much.'
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're a singer you lose your voice. A baseball player loses his arm. A writer gets more knowledge, and if he's good, the older he gets, the better he writes.
– Mickey Spillane
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're able to be yourself, then you have no competition. All you have to do is get closer and closer to that essence.
– Barbara Cook
If you're afraid to let someone else see your weakness, take heart Nobody's perfect. Besides, your attempts to hide your flaws don't work as well as you think they do.
– Julie Morgenstern
If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars'
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're bored with life -- you don't get up every morning with a burning desire to do things -- you don't have enough goals.
– Lou Holtz
If you're cheap in your dealings, you only attract a chepskates reward.
– Mike Gegelman
If you're engraced, then you must be great in life sooner or later.
– Emeasoba George
If you're ever confused as to the value of newspaper editors, look at the blog world. That's all you need to see.
– Eric Schmdit
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're going to America, bring your own food.
– Fran Lebowitz
If you're going to be a healer, it's not enough to read books and learn allegorical stories. you need to get your feet wet, get some clinical experience under your belt.
– Andrew Schneider
If you're going to define me properly, you must think in terms of my failures as well as my successes.
– Harrison Ford
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning,....sleep late.
– Henny Youngman
If you're going to have it - have it all.
– Rob Brown
If you're going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy. God will forgive you but the bureaucracy won't.
– Hyman Rickover
If you're hanging around with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to the Senate. You'll get the same kind of feeling and you won't have to pay.
– Robert Joseph Bob Dole
If you're here for four more years or four more weeks, you're here right now. I think when you're somewhere, you ought to be there. It's not about how long you stay in a place, it's about what you do while you're there, and when you go, is that place any better for your having been there
– Jerry Stahl
If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change.  If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change.
– Sido L. Ridolfi

We need you!

Help build the largest human-edited quotes collection on the web!


The Web's Largest Resource for

Famous Quotes & Sayings


A Member Of The STANDS4 Network