Found 2,042 quotes starting with IF:

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If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're going to America, bring your own food.
– Fran Lebowitz
If you're going to be a healer, it's not enough to read books and learn allegorical stories. you need to get your feet wet, get some clinical experience under your belt.
– Andrew Schneider
If you're going to define me properly, you must think in terms of my failures as well as my successes.
– Harrison Ford
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning,....sleep late.
– Henny Youngman
If you're going to have it - have it all.
– Rob Brown
If you're going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy. God will forgive you but the bureaucracy won't.
– Hyman Rickover
If you're hanging around with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to the Senate. You'll get the same kind of feeling and you won't have to pay.
– Robert Joseph Bob Dole
If you're here for four more years or four more weeks, you're here right now. I think when you're somewhere, you ought to be there. It's not about how long you stay in a place, it's about what you do while you're there, and when you go, is that place any better for your having been there
– Jerry Stahl
If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change.  If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change.
– Sido L. Ridolfi
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're in trouble, or hurt or need -- go to the poor people. They're the only ones that'll help -- the only ones.
– John Steinbeck
If you're masochistic enough to program in ADA, we're not going to stop you.
– Matt Welsh
If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances.
– Julia Sorel
If you're not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there.
– Martin Luther
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
– Woody Allen
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
– Henry J. Tillman
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, but the perpetual human predicament is that the answer soon poses its own problems.
– Sydney Harris
If you're not RelaxNG, you're working to hard!
– Scott Hudson
If you're overwhelmed, lost, or like you life is out of control, do whatever you can that matters to someone else or ever did to you... it might not help, but it certainly won't hurt.
– Ingrid Weir
If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it I'm going to go ahead and keep you in the 'happy' category.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you're Scalia, what's the first thing you do? Lecture the other members of the Court.
– Ira Carmen
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
– Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

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