(After winning the tournament, Shake stands on a pedestal with a trophy in hand, with a cheering crowd taking his pictures) Yes, bitches! I am number one in your face! My urine tastes like champagne, I am number one!
(Speaking into a microphone) Congratulations man, this is your first cup championship. We know we gotten close a number of times back in 2001 and 2003, that heartbreaker. But this time, you finally sealed the deal, all because of your caddy, who gave you some really good proper instructions, treated you like the robot that you are cause he's the puppet master pullin' the strings. Tell us... (Gives Shake the microphone) What's going thru your mind?
Well, the big thing I think we all realized out here today is that this sport sucks, big time. (The crowd starts booing him) Golf is for losers. You wanna talk about a real sport, its called "professional football". Cause y'know what, I was scouted in College, I coulda totally gone pro.
Why? Why is it always the best people... that gotta take time out of their day... to see dumbasses get buried?
(Sadly) He always had such a zest for life. (sniffs) Why'd he have get smashed by that big chicken? (sniffs) He was so young.
No, he wasn't. He was pushing 40.
Oh well, (someone farts)