Archer , Season 2

Archer (2009-Present) is an animated comedy series on FX created by Adam Reed.

Read the entire Archer show script | Buy this show on Amazon

[Inside the Irish mob's warehouse, Archer has tied up three mobsters and written "Irish" on the wall above them]

Mobster 1:
You don't know who you're messin' with, boyo. Do ya have any idea who our boss is?

Archer:
[Placing shells in a sawed-off shotgun] Nope, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board...

[Archer cocks the shotgun and puts it up to the mobster's knee]

Archer:
Name the douchebag who's in charge!

Mobster 1:
Vincent... Van Go-f***-yourself.

Archer:
Vincent Van Go-f***-myself. Survey says! [Blows his kneecap off]

Mobster 1:
AAAAAARRRGGHHHHHH!

Mobster 3:
Oh, Christ!

Lana:
JESUS! Archer!

Archer:
What, Lana!? I said it was a rampage!

Lana:
Still, though!

Mobster 1:
Uurgh, you son of a hoor!

Archer:
Save it for the fast-money round, Paddy! [Moves on to second mobster] Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board, name the douchebag who's in charge!

[The second mobster doesn't speak]

Archer:
[Imitating buzzer] Eh-Eh! Need an answer!

[The second mobster spits in Archer's face]

Archer:
Hmm, cock-flavored spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Lemme see cock-flavored spit! [Blows the second mobster's kneecap off] That's two strikes!

[Camera pans out to reveal three Latino janitors tied up with "Jañitoros" written on the wall above them]

Archer:
One more and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank! [To Hondurans] I'm just gonna assume you guys don't actually know what goes on here. I hope that doesn't sound racist. [Moves on to the third mobster] Okay, kid...

Lana:
He is a kid, Archer!

Archer:
LANA! You're in the isolation booth! [To young mobster] Looking for the douchebag who's in charge!

Mobster 1:
Mikey Hannity... if you say one word I'll cut your yellow heart right out!

Archer:
[Makes buzzer noise again] Eh-Eh! [Shoots first mobster, killing him]

Mikey:
Oh, Christ!

Archer:
Mikey, you gotta listen to me, buddy...I have breast cancer.

Mobster 2:
[Laughing] Breast cancer!?

[Archer closes his eyes in frustration and shoots the second mobster]

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