[Francine and Toddler Steve are in the mall, and Francine is holding Steve's hand]
Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome little gentleman.
Toddler Steve (calmly):
I just wanna let you know, that I'm speaking calmly, but there's a tantrum brewing in me, the likes of which this mall has never seen.
[Steve comes downstairs after being injected with an aging serum]
Looks like the boys in the lab made a mistake...
You think?! Well, I got my pubic hair back, a whole bunch of them. They're white as frickin' Christmas! It looks like Santa Town down there! And look at my pendulous nads! Every time I walk it's like a game of gnip gnop!
[Stan and Francine enter their bedroom, after discovering that Steve has reached puberty]
Our worst nightmare.
The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? [sadly] Nobody honked.
[Francine starts going toward bed]
Hey, what are you doing?
[pulls out a suitcase and starts packing things in it] I can't do it, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to... I don't know. My mom's, my sister's... Hell! I'll even go back to prison. I don't care.
Look, maybe it won't be so bad. We got through Hayley's puberty.
[Flashback to a pubescent Hayley wearing a purple shirt and a white skirt. She is holding a box of tampons in her left hand and a tampon in her right hand. Francine and Smith are cowering in front of her and Stan is holding a fork]
Whaddaya mean, "Every month"?!
Honey, that's the glory of being a woman.
[throws the tampon at Stan and Francine] I'm not using these! [throws the box] I'm never using these! [proceeds to sit on the white couch]
Francine & Stan:
No! [she sits]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older]
Hayley (pointing to her small breasts):
This is as big as they're gonna GET?!
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose as earlier, crying in fear. Stan is holding a stapler, shooting staples towards Hayley]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older. She has a huge pimple on her left cheek and is crying]
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose again. Stan is holding a torch]
Honey, you can't even see it.
[enters the room with a box of French fries and a soda] Wow, Hayley, your cheek's pregnant. Who's the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?
[Hayley grabs Roger and hurls him through the window. She grabs Stan's torch and sets fire to the living room, screaming maniacally]
Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan? One day, when I was showering after gym class, these mean pretty girls caught me and kept scrubbing me all over with soap. I mean, they didn't miss a spot! And even though we were all wet and naked and slippery, they were still able to get me on all fours, and shove my face to the floor! Can you imagine, Stan?
[Stan is sitting on the chair, drenched in sweat from arousal with his coat covering his lap]
How'd they catch you again?
Once again, C.I.A. body-doubles are for work purposes ONLY, people. Using your double to finish making love to a Jet Blue stewardess - because you were too drunk - is a definite no-no! [Glances at Saunders] Saunders...
Did you blab? Why'd you tell people?
C'mon, it was my first sloppy seconds!
(Stan's Phone Rings)
Stan! Hayley and Jeff broke up!
So? She breaks up with Jeff at least every other week.
You don't understand! This time, he broke up with her.
[At the mall, Jeff is saved by Stan from some rubble, and they talk about Hayley]
...But why'd she go so crazy?
Whenever she gets dumped, she completely wigs out. I don't know why; it's always been that way...
[Flashback to kindergarten; Hayley is crushed on by boy named "Jon"; she is happy; new girl arrives, boy crushes on her instead; in response, Hayley destroys classroom, killing the class hamster in the process]
The autopsy showed the hamster was pregnant...
[Stan carries a limp Hayley riddled with darts into the living room]
Oh, God! Is she alright?
She'll be fine; just breathe her with this pump.
[Francine holds Hayley and begins pumping her lungs]
The police said, if Hayley goes on another rampage, they'll throw her in jail!
Jail?! She'll never survive! Tiny cells, the gangs, getting shanked in the cafèteria! [Grunts and pretends to stab someone] The first couple stabs break the skin, then they really get in there! [Grunts with effort] And my baby's all, "Auuggh! You bitch; I'll kill you!" [Sits down quietly and continues pumping Hayley's lungs; Stan glares on]
...That was a haunting scenlet, Francine.
...And we can't prevent it! Hayley has horrible taste in men; she's gonna get broken up with again!
That's why, from here on out, she doesn't date anyone I don't sign off on.
[Still pumping] I don't know Stan. I think what she needs right now is our love and support--
[Hayley suddenly awakens, then grabs Francine and throttles her]
Shoot her! Shoot her in the face!
Have f-fun, you two!
Don't worry, we will!
[Stan, dressed as Bill, his body double, and Hayley drive away.]
'Cause we're finally going all the way!
[Stan looks increasingly uncomfortable.]
Doin' it, doin' it, d-d-doin' it! Should we break for lunch? Nope! Let's keep doin' it, doin' it! Someone's at the door! I don't care! We're doin' it, doin' it! Wanna put on our hikin' boots? Yeah! We'll wear 'em while we're doin' it, doin' it!
I like the rhythm, it is my method.
(At a forest, Hayley rings Stan's phone, revealing the ruse)
(answers it) Uh, hello. Hey, Johnny, yeah. (to Hayley) It's work. (on the phone) Well, look in the book. Is it a warehouse item? (to Hayley, whispers) Five minutes.
Dad, you're talking to me on the phone, and in your voice. (after a long pause, Hayley found out what was going on) Oh my God! Are you KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Uh, I love you honey! I said it. See? **Hayley, wait! I can explain! I had a good reason. (Hayley brings out a box of matches) Oh, you grabbed some matches from the hotel-- little keepsake. Now, you don't want to tear one of those out. The serious collector keeps his matchbooks intact. (Hayley rips out a match and stikes it) Oh, now it's worthless.**
**[Only on DVD]
Gee, I don't know Hayley. You think it might have something to do with me being drunk all the time? I'm an alcoholic, I have a problem, I'm just not ready to deal with it yet. But I will, I promise. No more empty promises, no sir-not from this alcoholic. Now hop in the suitcase and first round's on me.
(Hayley crouches in the suitcase and zips it up from the outside)
Hayley (from inside the suitcase):
Are these...balloons full of heroin?
Roger (kicks the suitcase):
Those are NOT for you!
Oh my neck is killing me-being trapped in this room is stressing me out.
Look, Frannie, I know you're hurting. I just want you to know I'm here for you andKAH!
Oh my God. ...I think you fixed it! [collapses] Oohhugh...
I don't understand, this shoulda worked! I learned that move from a chiropractor in his van in the alley behind the 7-Eleve-oh boy, I think I raped a guy.
[with heavy French accent] Mr. Francine, I know this must be upsetting. But understand I am a homosexual, yes?... You understand "homosexual"?...Yes?...So you will be loosing your wife not physically. But perhaps, emotionally. [walks into kitchen, Stan sits down on the couch]
That guy is a douche, yes? You understand "douche"?...Yes?...
[Roger confronts the first family he lived with who abandoned him. The family's teenaged son, Tyler, comes home]
What's going on?
Oh, look, it's Tyler -- all grown up like a big shot. (loses the sarcasm as he gives Tyler a onceover): You turned out cute. (suggestively): Real cute! (giggles): Damn it! (continues giggling): I'm -- I'm laughing now 'cuz I'm nervous. (giggles, then tries to catch his breath): Oh, boy, (tugs at the crotch of his pants): these khakis are not getting any looser.
[to Roger, who is beaten and bruised after his encounter with the East German Mafia] Use your board. Use your board. (Roger scribbles down something on a small chalkboard and shows it to Klaus) "How cute is Daniel Day-Lewis?" (Roger's eyes roll up in his head as he passes out): Oh good. The morphine's starting to work.
Hey, lady. Is that your hot air balloon? I need a ride back to the States.
I'm sorry, but that balloon is for offical Guinness business only.
What if I told you we'd set the record for "Most Spontaneous Cross Atlantic Hot Air Balloon Trip"?
I'm sorry, sir. I can't.
[pulls out his gun] What if I told you I'm about to set the record for shooting a woman in the face the most times in a row?
Alejandro, fire up the balloon!
[drunk] Francine, you need to come home right now. Greg was mean to me!
What're you talking about, fruit loop? She's Terry's girlfriend.
No she's not. She's my wife! Greg is Terry's boyfriend!
Terry and Greg are in love! Your son is gay!
[Terry faints in an overly-cliched manner. his father, confused, catches him]
See? That's not how a straight guy faints. This is how a straight guy faints!
[collapses forward and lands flat on his face]