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(On his marathon live shows) You think you can get away, but you can't. I'll follow you home and I'll shout jokes through your letterbox.
Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.
I do all the exercises every morning in front of the television - up, down, up, down, up, down. Then the other eyelid.
I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girl friends suffered from asthma.
In the 1800s, one of the MPs in London decided to introduce tax. In those days it was 2p in the pound. I thought it still was.
It’s a privilege to be asked to play here tonight on what is a very special anniversary. It is 100 years to the night since that balcony collapsed. (Addressing people in The Gods at a provincial theatre.)
Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson.
So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut.
The man who invented cats’ eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.
The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.