Alpha House

Senator Rosalyn DuPeche:
What the hell, Louis? You're going to Afghanistan?

Senator Louis Laffer, Jr.:
I know. Not me.

Senator Rosalyn DuPeche:
Really not you, darling. Very McCain, but not you.

Adriana:
[Adriana answers the door. Gil John is drinking coffee nearby] Hi, you must be here about the housekeeping job.

Maddie Biggs:
[Indignant] I'm Mrs. Biggs.

Adriana:
Mrs. B... Oh, my God. ?Que pena? I'm so embarrassed. Gil John, it's your wife. [Gil John approaches Adriana and Maddie] I'm so sorry, I didn't have my contact lenses in so I didn't see the resemblance.

Maddie Biggs:
The what?

Adriana:
[Flustered, speaking really fast] Oh, my God, no, not the resemblance. You're not related. I mean, you are related, but you're not related. Well, you are related. I just... [Maddie sighs in frustration] You're not relat... you're related.

Maddie Biggs:
Pssst! [Closes her hand to signal Adriana to stop talking]

Tammy:
[Regarding shopping trip with Senator Laffer's staffer Julie to purchase more conservative clothing] We found some darling jackets and some cute, little ruffled cross-over tops [whispering] that don't show anything.

Louis Laffer:
That new "Nicole Miller" line.

Tammy:
Yes! How did you know?

Aaron Stimson:
[Regarding Robert's matchmaking with him and Tammy] I mean, she's smart and good-looking and all; she's just really, really white.

Robert Bettencourt:
And I have to assume that you noticed that going in.

Aaron Stimson:
No, like scary white. Prohibitively white. Like sweaters, frisbees and camping and Michael Bubl? white.

Camila:
I'm a visiting professor from the University of Barcelona.

Andy Guzman:
That's great.

Camila:
[Chuckles] What is? That I'm a professor, or from Barcelona?

Andy Guzman:
That you're visiting.

Robert Bettencourt:
[after watching a campaign ad by his opponent Clemont 'Cappy' Castles that morphs the image of President Obama into Senator Bettencourt] So, I'm Obama now?

Aaron Stimson:
It's uncanny. I never noticed it before.

Robert Bettencourt:
And this stuff works?

Aaron Stimson:
It's doing well in the free media. They love Cappy. They think he's a hoot.

Robert Bettencourt:
And I gotta debate this clown?

Aaron Stimson:
Uh, yes. But he'll be surrounded by fellow clowns. They'll distract him. All you have to do is occasionally duck.

Senator Gil John Biggs:
Jesus Christ, now I gotta wear clothes around here 'cause of Andy Guzman's girlfriend.

Robert Bettencourt:
Actually, that's a win for everyone here, Gil.

Robert Bettencourt:
[Regarding a grand jury investigation on him] It's a political lynching.

Senator Andy Guzman:
Wow, really? You're leading with the race card? Are you sure that's a good fit?

Robert Bettencourt:
Excuse me?

Senator Andy Guzman:
You're Mr. Accountability. A lynching sounds so early Al Sharpton. I mean, I'm sure people in Pennsylvania find a black senator interesting, but you've gotta keep it interesting, like Epcot Center. Not interesting, like Django. But hey, that's just me. I've only used my Cuban American minority status on special occasions, you know, like small business loans. But whatever works for you, amigo.

Adriana de Portago:
[In her underwear, holding up two dresses] Okay, reception at the Mexican Embassy. [Swapping dresses over her body] This or this?

Senator Louis Laffer, Jr.:
The Diane von Furstenberg. It's iconic.

Adriana de Portago:
Correcto. Gracias, Louis.

Senator Gil John Biggs:
Okay, Carly, we're blowing you off now. We're not even going to say good-bye.

Robert Bettencourt:
Right, on account of our clashing philosophical views.

Senator Carly Armiston:
Philosophical implies thinking, Robert. [Robert scoffs] You know what John Stuart Mill said, that conservative people aren't necessarily stupid, but stupid people do tend to be conservative. That was then. Nowadays, stupid and stupid's mutant cousins, crazy and evil, are all that's left of your party.

Senator Gil John Biggs:
Do I look like somebody prepared to fly to f***ing Kabul for the goddamn National Committee?

Robert Bettencourt:
You do not. You look like somebody prepared to fly to Philly for the World Series.

Senator Andy Guzman:
Hey, Robert, what do you think I should read? The Bill of Rights or emails from my ex-wife's boyfriend?

Robert Bettencourt:
You've probably got time for both. Listen, are you still looking for a place to live?

Senator Andy Guzman:
I am. I am. Why?

Robert Bettencourt:
'Cause Louis and Gil John and I are looking for a roommate. And you seem like somebody that could really use a room.

Robert Bettencourt:
Wait, the "Great Latino Hope" doesn't speak Spanish?

Andy Guzman:
Awkward, right? My parents thought an accent would hold me back, so no one spoke Spanish at home.

Robert Bettencourt:
I hear you on that one, man. My house was an Ebonics-free zone. Strictly enforced.

Andy Guzman:
Really? That's amazing. No "?Qu? pasas?" for me. No "'s up, dogs?" for you. How'd the hell did we survive?

Robert Bettencourt:
We became Republicans.

Helen Binkowski:
[Referring to picture on the wall] Is that man a friend of yours?

Louis Laffer:
Senator Smits? Why, yes. A good friend. You know him?

Helen Binkowski:
He felt me up... in a laundromat.

Louis Laffer:
Oh, well. No worries. He's in prison now.

Senator Gil John Biggs:
[Sharing with Hakeem his feelings about contradictory statements made by people from his hometown] You know, in some ways it was better back in the day when the bigotry was out in the open. At least things added up then. Now, folks are choking on their own hypocrisy and they don't even know it.

Senator Andy Guzman:
The President wants to let millions of illegals step out of the shadows. I say they should step halfway out of the shadows, just enough so the light hits their faces and we can identify them .

Louis Laffer:
[Groggy under the influence of morphine] Doctor Colonel Angel, am I going to heaven?

Surgeon:
Maybe Senator, but first we've got to get you back to Walter Reed.

Louis Laffer:
Walter Reed? Oh, no! [Pulling Robert to his side]

Robert Bettencourt:
What? What?

Louis Laffer:
[Whispering] I voted to close Walter Reed.

Tammy:
How was your trip, Senator?

Senator Gil John Biggs:
A total nightmare. Thank you, Tammy. And no, it would not have gone better if you had been there.

Tammy:
Obviously, I couldn't have prevented Senator Laffer from gettin' hurt, sir. But you personally might have gotten the kind of press that is actually useful instead of just a video of you gettin' off the private jet of a glamorous Latina socialite.

Louis Laffer:
[Regarding staffer James and his infatuation with daughter Lola] Who knows what they've been doing online? [Louise scoffs] Could be something premature or inappropriate. We'd never know about it.

Louise Laffer:
Well, I trust our daughter.

Louis Laffer:
Trust, but verify. That's what Reagan always did.

Louise Laffer:
What are you talking about, hon? Two of his kids became Democrats.