Barney Miller

Detective Ron Harris:
Barney, his wife has decided not to press charges, so I let him go after giving him that spiel you always give about "not losing one's perspective."

Captain Barney Miller:
I'm... flattered that you chose to use it.

Detective Ron Harris:
Well, I thought it oughta be in the public domain *by now*...

Yemana:
Then Fish runs in the alley and he leaps over us like one of those, what do you call those things in Africa that run and leap in the air?

Detective Ron Harris:
Slaves.

Detective Ron Harris:
Hey Fish, does it hurt when those stones come out?

Fish:
It can't be too bad. The doctor says it's like giving birth.

Dietrich:
Was that Mrs. Miller?

Barney Miller:
Yeah.

Dietrich:
Past tense was unintentional.

Barney Miller:
That's not the way we operate around here. We do everything by the book, according to regulations, above board.

Del Veccio:
I believe you.

Barney Miller:
You don't look like you do.

Del Veccio:
It's my face. I mean this face doesn't look like it trusts anybody. When I proposed to my wife, she thought I was joking. This face is a curse.

Barney Miller:
What happened Levitt?

Levitt:
I talked it over with a couple of doctors and they said 'forget it'.

Barney Miller:
Incurable, hunh?

Levitt:
Yes sir. Five six and a half, that's it.

Fish:
The doctor said he was very lucky, the bullet just grazed him.

Barney Miller:
Where'd she hit him?

Fish:
In the inseam.

Rhonda Haleck:
My old man took me to ball game once when I was a kid. I think we saw the Mets and the Cubs.

Wojo:
Oh yeah, that's always a good game.

Rhonda Haleck:
He got me a little pennant, a hot dog and a beer. We had really great seats.

Wojo:
Sounds like your dad was a nice guy.

Rhonda Haleck:
He was a mugger. Some guy he rolled had season tickets. Halfway through the game, a cop showed up. Dragged us both out of there.

Wojo:
Oh.

Rhonda Haleck:
Wanna hear about the puppy I got for Christmas?

[a man and a woman have to share the holding cell]

Harriet Shulton:
Did you kill your wife?

Henry St. Martin:
[whispering] Yes, but they don't know about that, yet.

Captain Barney Miller:
Take Officer LEVITT with you.

Insp. Frank Luger:
Hunh? Okay. Let's go Levine. [Levitt rolls his eys and joins him]

Captain Barney Miller:
Arrest the first naked guy you see with a dirty mouth.

Marty:
If you want real police brutaity, wait until I tell you what they served me for lunch.

Drug User:
Hey mother, you're not gonna leave me here, are you?

Bernice Fish:
I'm not your mother.

Drug User:
You sure you ain't got a son?

Bernice Fish:
I'm sure.

Drug User:
You wanna buy one? Don't leave me, mother! [Bernice exits] That mother left me.

Elizabeth Miller:
Here's a brochure from our travel agent about crossing on the S.S. France. It costs about $4,000 one way. Now, these are the three best hotels in Paris: Plaza Acad?, the Bristol and the Creon. The villa in the South of France costs $1,250 a week. Then we fly back to Paris and then back to New York. That makes the whole thing cost $26,000 for six weeks. Can we afford it?

Barney Miller:
No.

Elizabeth Miller:
Okay.

[tosses brochure in the garbage]

Elizabeth Miller:
How about taking me to lunch?

Barney Miller:
You didn't have to go through all that just to get me to take you to lunch.

Elizabeth Miller:
I thought you would be more excited about the idea if you thought I saved you $26,000.

Yemana:
[eating Chinese take out with pencils] Just call your insurance company. Yes. Don't mention it. [hangs up phone] Oh my God. I ate my eraser.

Captain Barney Miller:
[discovering that the squadroom has been vandalized, Barney reads graffiti spray-painted in the hallway] "Captain Miller is a dirty m... " Ha, ha, ha, marvelous.

Fish:
[Fish is depressed over his age] When Wilson and I were chasing that kid... Do you know what it feels like to be running down 43rd Street, and your partner is cornering a guy on 52nd? Do you how I found out what happened? I asked a reporter! *Four* radio stations beat me to the scene of the crime!

Captain Barney Miller:
[while getting ready for a stakeout] Fish, we're going to have to draw special weapons.

Wojo:
[Extremely excited about being allowed to go on his first stakeout] Hey, let me do it! I'll go down to the armoury. Let's see, what do we need? Shotguns! Tear gas! Gas masks! [He leaves the squadroom to go draw the weapons]

Fish:
[Observing Wojo's enthusiam about the weapons] Nice boy.

Captain Barney Miller:
It takes so little to make him happy.

Wojo:
[arriving at stakeout location, carrying cases of equipment] Hey Barn! I got everything we need! I got 10-guage shotguns, 12-guage shotguns, tow phone, and [opens largest case] tear gas!

Captain Barney Miller:
Did you bring a chair?

Wojo:
Chair?

Captain Barney Miller:
[gestures to empty apartment] There's no place to sit down.

Wojo:
Ooh, sorry.

Captain Barney Miller:
[looks into equipment case] I see you brought grenades too, huh?

Wojo:
Just a thought.

Captain Barney Miller:
If we don't use all this stuff, you're not going to feel bad, are you?

Wojo:
[hangs head] No.

Captain Barney Miller:
So Dietrich, big plans for the weekend?

Dietrich:
No, I'm staying home. I've gotten involved in the New Celibacy Movement.

Captain Barney Miller:
Oh, Yeah?. what's that?

Dietrich:
Its a movement for people who are fed up with the whole shallow dating scene.

Captain Barney Miller:
Couldn't get a date, huh?

Dietrich:
Not a single one.

[Nick is talking to Internal Affairs]

Yemana:
I'm not Chinese, you know.

Captain William Donnelly:
That doesn't matter, Detective.

Yemana:
Now it doesn't matter; but in 1942...

Barney Miller:
[searching the files for a bombing suspect] Who else you got?

Yemana:
[looks at file folder] Sheldon "Boom-Boom" Hockster.

Barney Miller:
"Boom-Boom"?

Yemana:
You'd be amazed at how many of these guys are named "Boom-Boom".

Detective Wilson:
[Fish runs back into the squad room] Hey, where is everybody?

Fish:
Wilson, get out of here! There's a bomb in the building!

Marty:
[locked in the cage] Oh, Mother in heaven!

Arnold Ripner:
Goodbye, Marty.

Marty:
Arnold, don't you dare leave me here!

Fish:
[indicates Marty] Wilson, get him out of here!

Arnold Ripner:
If you ever catch the lunatic who did this [hands Wilson his business card] tell him to call me. [runs out]

Marty:
Hurry and open this door.

Detective Wilson:
[frantically searches] I'm looking for the key.

Fish:
Nobody's answering the phone! I've got to cover the rest of the building!

Detective Wilson:
Go ahead! Hey... I got your case back!

Fish:
What case?

Detective Wilson:
Your briefcase, on the desk!

Fish:
Thanks! [runs out again]

Marty:
Aren't those the keys on the desk? [Wilson runs to get them]

Fish:
[slides back into the squad room and stares at the briefcase] Wilson... I don't own a briefcase.

Detective Wilson:
[stares at briefcase as it dawns on him] It ain't yours?

Fish:
No.

Marty:
Who cares whose case it is? Just get the door open!

Fish:
Wilson... the bomb is in the briefcase.

Detective Wilson:
Holy Mama!

Marty:
Oh, my God! Is it a big bomb?

Detective Wilson:
How the hell do I know?

Fish:
[looks at watch] It's two minutes to five!

Marty:
Fish, we've got to get rid of it!

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
Hey, Barney, do you think Kelly's just a big mouth? Or, is he really going to try to make trouble?

Barney Miller:
I think Kelly is just a big mouth... who's really going to try to make trouble.

Yemana:
He's probably after me. Kelly's always had a thing about Orientals being on the police force. He says we screw up the look of the Saint Patrick's Day Parade.

Barney Miller:
[sees Fish limping] What's the matter with your foot?

Fish:
Gout.

Barney Miller:
Rich cooking, huh?

Fish:
No. *Poor* cooking, but rich food.

Detective Ron Harris:
[brings Mayflower, who's dressed in full pimp regalia into the Squad Room] Okay. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Mr. Mayflower:
Hey, man, since when is it a crime to come to the defense of a lady and try and protect her honor? Since *when*?

Detective Ron Harris:
When you push her trick out of a second story window.

Mr. Mayflower:
Don't tell *me* chivalry ain't dead!

Barney Miller:
[after Chano and Fish return from a bank robbery and Chano is acting very strangely] What happened?

Fish:
Two armed men. One with a shotgun. One with a handgun. Shot a guard. Held six people hostage and threatened to kill them if we didn't let them go. It'd have gone on all day if *someone* didn't get inside.

Barney Miller:
Apparently someone did.

Fish:
Chano... killed both of them.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
[answers phone] 12th Precinct Detective, Sergeant Amanguale speaking. No, ma'am, I'm sorry but we can't trace them. There's very little we can do about obscene phone calls. No, ma'am. No, ma'am. Will you watch your language, please, ma'am? [hangs up phone] This is gonna drive me crazy. 26 calls in two weeks! [thinks about it] That's some dirty guy.

Inspector Kelly:
[comes into the Squad Room dressed in a patrolman's uniform] Patrolman Kelly reporting for duty.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
For an undercover cop, that's a pretty dumb disguise.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
[walks tiredly into the Squad Room] Good morning.

Barney Miller:
[looks at watch] You're late.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
I interviewed a *lot* of women last night that got dirty phone calls. I had to take down *all* of the conversations. I got names. I got addresses. I also got excited. [indicates notepads] Do you want me to type up these reports?

Barney Miller:
Maybe you'd better let Fish do it.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
Good.You know, these guys that make dirty phone calls gotta be very lonely people. They spend so much time talking on the telephone they never get to meet anybody.

Barney Miller:
I wish he'd start writing dirty letters. Then the Post Office could worry about it.

Yemana:
Mine's the sashimi and cream cheese on a bagel.

Delivery Guy:
You mean lox?

Yemana:
We had it first.

Yemana:
[when he's stoned on the brownies with the hashish] Barney, Barney, Barney, is your mother from Killarney?

[a minute later]

Yemana:
What do you say we guys go down to the beach, and shoot some clams?

Dietrich:
I've always admired the Japanese outlook on death. The calm acceptance, the treating it as a part of life...

Yemana:
[to Wojo] I dunno what he's talking about - personally, I'm going kicking and screaming all the way.

Wojo:
Well, why don't you tell him that?

Yemana:
I like my image.

Captain Barney Miller:
[to Harris, who is stoned on hashish brownies] I want you to go home until you feel better.

Detective Ron Harris:
[grinning] Hey, I'll go home... but I ain't never gonna feel better!

Captain Barney Miller:
And I don't want you driving a car; take the bus.

Detective Ron Harris:
Okay... wait. If I can't drive a car... [laughing] I better not try to drive a BUS!

Yemana:
Barney, divorce is like a horse with a broken leg. You can shoot the horse, but that don't fix the leg.

Wojo:
Hey, Fish. Who's Esther Williams?

Fish:
She covered herself with grease and swam the English Channel. [to himself] It's a shame Bernice can't swim she'd be all set.

Detective Ron Harris:
So What do you do for fun? Watch TV?

Amish Farmer:
It's not in the bible.

Detective Ron Harris:
Movies?

Amish Farmer:
Not in the Bible.

Detective Ron Harris:
Play cards? Gamble?

Amish Farmer:
It's not in the Bible.

Detective Ron Harris:
What DO you DO for fun?

Amish Farmer:
Got 14 kids. THAT'S in the Bible.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
People gotta learn they can't play fast and loose with the law.

Capt. Barney Miller:
You do what you have to do. You take the consequences of your actions.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
It's like you and me against the world.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Those are frightening odds, Wojo.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
Hey, where's my sashimi and cream cheese on a bagel?

Murray Grossman:
Here, it's called lox.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
The hell it is. We had it before you did.

Murray Grossman:
[Murray's deli is reopening] I think you should also know that all prices have been raised a minimum of 83%.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
There goes night racing.

Det. Phil Fish:
Drinking should be done in the privacy of one's home, where it's necessary.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
[noticing his sandwich] Look what I found. There's a dead fly in my sandwich. Right in the middle of my egg salad.

Capt. Barney Miller:
You sure it's a fly?

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
It's a little piece of olive.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
Since when do olives have wings?

Det. Phil Fish:
When they die and go to heaven.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
You know what I hate?

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
Prunes?

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
I hate people that got no respect for the property and rights of other people! That's what I hate.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
Hey, Wojo, what're we gonna do about lunch from now on?

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
Hey, we do what we have to do, and then we take the consequences for our actions.

Capt. Barney Miller:
[a grumpy Captain Miller approaches Harris' desk] What about you? How about my arrest reports for last month?

Det. Ron Harris:
I'm working on them, Barney, but I got stuck on something.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Oh, what?

Det. Ron Harris:
[Turning to his typewriter] Well, this: "The suspect then turned on Officer Sloane and attacked him with..." I need a word that means "savage," but in a premeditated way.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Use that.

Det. Ron Harris:
[Shaking his head] Too awkward.

Capt. Barney Miller:
[Frustrated] This is an arrest report, not a literary masterpiece, c'mon!

Det. Ron Harris:
People downtown have come to expect something more when they see my name on a report.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Forget your reputation - gimme the report!

Det. Ron Harris:
Okay, Barney, but I'm gonna use my psuedonym.

Capt. Barney Miller:
[Addressing the elderly but feisty Mrs. Pierce] How about you, ma'am? How do you feel about it?

Mrs. Pierce:
Well, I-I-I want to sign... but I'm afraid.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Afraid? Of what?

Mrs. Pierce:
That punk's friends. They remember somebody who squeals. Yeah, they'll come in the middle of the night, they'll tie me up, they'll tear at my clothing...!

Capt. Barney Miller:
[Interrupting] Ma'am, you're letting your imagination get the better of you.

Mrs. Pierce:
That's all I got left, Captain.

Lt. Ben Scanlon:
Harris! How's things down in Funkytown?

Det. Ron Harris:
Oh, dey fine, dey fine!

Darryl Driscoll:
You know, you look exactly like Boris Karloff.

Det. Phil Fish:
That's because we're both dead.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
[looking in the newspaper] It's funny, ain't it?

Det. Ron Harris:
What's that?

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
There's no weather report in the paper.

Det. Ron Harris:
Maybe we ain't gonna have any.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
Must be the spray cans, you know? The weatherman can't see through all that underarm deodorant up in the clouds.

George Webber:
You put your faith in somebody and they just make a fool of you. I am sick and tired of being lied to, and robbed, and poisoned!

Det. Phil Fish:
That's the wrong way, Mr. Webber. First try a divorce.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
[to Father Paul] You know something, if you're not a priest, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. And if you are a priest, "Good morning, Father".

Captain Barney Miller:
[Barney and Wojo are using the phone at the same time while standing right next to each other. Barney was put on hold] Come on! Come on!

Wojo:
Hello?

Captain Barney Miller:
Hello, Bomb Disposal?

Wojo:
No, it's Wojciehowitz.

Captain Barney Miller:
Get off the line. I'm trying to get Bomb Disposal.

Wojo:
Who's this?

Captain Barney Miller:
Barney!

Wojo:
Oh, hey, Barn, whattya need?

Captain Barney Miller:
GET OFF THE LINE!

Captain Barney Miller:
[Barney is trying to convince Fish that he's not too old to be a cop anymore] Fish, I think of you as experienced. In an emergency you would be the first one I would call.

Fish:
You should call me first... I need time to put my teeth in.

Captain Barney Miller:
Marty, you keep ripping people off, they're going to put you away for a long time. Now, why don't you cut it out and get an honest job?

Marty:
Oh, don't give me that. I've had more jobs than you have hair on your head. I even tried to get on the police force.

Captain Barney Miller:
They turned you down?

Marty:
Of course they turned me down. It's ridiculous. What's wrong with a gay cop? There are gay robbers.

Detective Wilson:
[seeing a case, in which the explosive is contained] Hey, who belongs to this case?

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
It ain't mine.

Wojo:
Fish, maybe.

Detective Wilson:
Oh, yeah, it must be Fish's. It's too classy for you guys.

[Wojo gives Wilson a Bronx cheer]

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
Very well put.

Captain Barney Miller:
[a bomb has blown up in the squad room] It was in the safe?

Fish:
Yeah, I put it there.

Captain Barney Miller:
You know there was petty cash in there? Forty bucks.

Fish:
Take it out of my check.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich:
Reports of her death have been greatly exaggerated.

Capt. Barney Miller:
[Smiling in recognition] Mark Twain.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich:
Yeah. [pause] But it's in pubic domain now.

[repeated line]

Detective Dietrich:
[in deep voice, not unlike Gregory Peck] Go away! Beverly is busy.

Capt. Barney Miller:
After remembering the guys he started out with: My God, I'm starting to sound like Luger!

Det. Ron Harris:
Don't worry. We caught it early.

Fred Bauer:
[as the gloomy detectives watch while the jail-bound street musician plays a last slow, mournful blues of sublime melancholy on his horn and outside the window the fog grows thicker] What year is this?

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich:
[Bright] Hey, Bernice, Arthur again. Listen, Fish is out... Out there... with the people - doing what he does best - protecting, serving, policing - maybe having a few laughs along the way... Any message?

Det. Ron Harris:
I'll call the twinkie mobile

Capt. Barney Miller:
Harris, watch those euphemisms, huh

Det. Ron Harris:
Bellevue, this is Harris we have a customer for the enchanted kingdom.

Det. Phil Fish:
[Bringing in prisoner] Get in there and don't be a wise guy!

Harold Sanders:
I'm not a wise guy, I guess I'm just scared.

Capt. Barney Miller:
How'd it go?

Harold Sanders:
[about hold up] It was going' good until these guys showed up.

Det. Phil Fish:
Harold Sanders, Barney, he robbed a liquor store on 14th street.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
Yeah, ya really shoulda been there Barn. The guy came out just as we got there and 'ol Fish just chased him down the street, jumped on him a got his face down to the sidewalk.

Harold Sanders:
That guy almost broke my arm!

Det. Phil Fish:
[Grinning] Yeah he was fightin' like a tiger.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Wojo, book him.

Det. Phil Fish:
No,no,no... 'I'll' do it.

Harold Sanders:
That old guy really 'loves' his work don't he?

Det. Phil Fish:
Old guy? Sit over here... I'll give you old guy, SIT DOWN! As long as there's punks out there like you, I'll be here in this room and at that desk! So you watch yourself!... old guy. When I'm too old to take care of a guy like you...

Capt. Barney Miller:
Fish. Can I see you in my office?

Det. Phil Fish:
[Mutters under breath then says]... seen a million punks like that. [Grins at Yemana]... and I'll see a million more, right?

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
[to Sanders] Over here.

Harold Sanders:
[Disturbed by Fish's behavior] That guy's not normal.

Det. Phil Fish:
[after incident with Sanders] Can you believe a punk like that, what's this world coming to?

Capt. Barney Miller:
Well, it just keeps changing. Changing-changing.

Det. Phil Fish:
So it's a good thing they some of us around to keep a balance huh?

Capt. Barney Miller:
Yeah. You've done a very good job, you've got a lot to be proud of.

Det. Phil Fish:
[hesitant] Yes, Well, I better get in there & finish processing that felon.

Capt. Barney Miller:
C'mon sit down, Wojo'll take care of it.

Det. Phil Fish:
Well, I've got a lot of other work...

Capt. Barney Miller:
Well, we can take a few minutes to talk.

Det. Phil Fish:
Sure... what about?

Capt. Barney Miller:
A lot. Well, about you & me... this & that. The kind of things friends who've worked together for 18 years talk about.

Det. Phil Fish:
[stalling] Look, if I don't finish I'll have to work late on Monday.

Capt. Barney Miller:
[concerned] There is no work on Monday!

Det. Phil Fish:
Look, If I don't fini...

Capt. Barney Miller:
There is no more work! You are retiring today!

Det. Phil Fish:
Oh no. No,no,no... you got it all wrong Barney, I'm not retiring so fast.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Fish , I know it's painful and it's even unfair... but you've got to face the reality, that IS the reality and you gotta face it or you'll wind up like that 'twinkie' in the cage out there. Fish, you've earned the right to do something else, to do what you want to do, what you'd enjoy doing.

Det. Phil Fish:
[ignoring] .Anyway, I walked here from Brooklyn. I had a lot of time to think things over. You know, the trouble this city is in and you know how hard it is to get good men Barney.

Capt. Barney Miller:
[quietly] The rules say you have to retire at 63.

Det. Phil Fish:
Rules are made by men and rules can be changed by men! I know the Commissioner, I've known him for 20 years and I'm going to have a talk with him... I'll talk to him and everything's gonna be alright.

Capt. Barney Miller:
[with desperation in voice] This is not the last day of your life Fish.

Det. Phil Fish:
I'm a man with a record Barney, you think they're going to force ME out? NOT ME! A man with my experiences? My accommodations? NOT ME! [sad,voice breaks]... Not me .

Det. Phil Fish:
[complaining about no elevator in the building] I musta been a breech baby. My feet are older than I am.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
Hey, Barney? If a police officer loses his badge, does he report it to his superior or just wait til somebody turns it in?

Capt. Barney Miller:
He reports it to his superior officer.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
I lost my badge.

Inspector Kelly:
Boney diaz, Chay-no.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
Jose Feliciano!

Inspector Kelly:
Pretty good, thanks.

Det. Phil Fish:
[talking about Kelly] He was probably snooping around into our personnel files and came up with something really big.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Like what?

Det. Phil Fish:
Like the fact that I cheated on my income tax.

Capt. Barney Miller:
When was that?

Det. Phil Fish:
About nine, ten years ago. I went to a police convention in San Francisco, and I deducted all the expenses for Bernice.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
There's nothing illegal about that.

Det. Phil Fish:
Yes, there is. I didn't take Bernice.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Did the I.R.S. find out about it?

Det. Phil Fish:
Yeah, they disallowed it and they took it out the next year.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Well, if you're straight with the government, Kelly can't hurt you.

Det. Phil Fish:
I'm not worried about Kelly, I'm worried about Bernice.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
If you were going to make obscene phone calls, would you make them from one location or from a variety of locations?

Det. Phil Fish:
I'd rather have someone else make them for me.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
[referring to Kelly] He's probably after me. Kelly's always had a thing about Orientals being on the police force. He says we screw up the look of the St. Patrick's Day Parade.

Inspector Kelly:
Hey, Wojo! I got a great new Polack joke for you.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
Wonderful. [covers his ears]

Inspector Kelly:
You heard. [Wojo nods]

Capt. Barney Miller:
[to Kelly] How do you like narcotics?

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
They haven't helped him a bit.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
Kelly's been promoted. Yeah, he's a snooper now.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Internal affairs? [Kelly nods]

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
Hey, Barney, do you think Kelly's just a big mouth or is he really going to try to make trouble?

Capt. Barney Miller:
I think Kelly is just a big mouth who is really going to try to make trouble.

Inspector Kelly:
I'd rather be respected than liked any day.

Det. Phil Fish:
[Fish had to walk up the stairs to the precinct] Ten years ago, I said, "Put an elevator in this building." Five years ago, I said it again. Last year, I even offered to pay for it.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
What are you doing downtown, Kelly? I thought you was in narcotics.

Inspector Kelly:
Oh, I'm too sensitive for that kind of filthy work. I'm in Internal Affairs now.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
Oh, you're a spy?

Inspector Kelly:
Yeah, some people might look at it that way. Them that's got something to hide anyhow.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
I think Kelly's on to something international. He's after me.

Capt. Barney Miller:
What did you do?

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
Me? I didn't do anything, but my brother-in-law is New York illegally from Argentina.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Where is he?

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
He's hiding in the cellar of a condemned rat-infested building on the West Side. Right across the street.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Well, you better do something about it before Immigration finds out.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
Yeah, well, I told him, "Hey, you gotta go back to South America, get a visa, then come back to the United States, to New York, take the test, and then become a citizen of the United States."

Capt. Barney Miller:
What did he say to that?

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
He don't think it's worth it.

Gardeno:
I just wanna do my job. I don't wanna shave.

Barney Miller:
What's the matter, you got a skin condition?

Gardeno:
If necessary.

Barney Miller:
And the earring?

Gardeno:
I'm engaged.

Barney Miller:
You go home, shave, put on a clean shirt, break your engagement, and report back to me.

Gardeno:
What about my transfer?

Barney Miller:
What the hell for? They'll just send you to somebody who's not nearly as sweet as I am.

Gardeno:
[after Barney asked him to shave off his large beard] Cute, ain't I? Clean cut. Charming. Now when I bust some punk in the street and I say, "Freeze! I'm a police officer", he's gonna look at me and laugh, and say "Ha ha ha, look at that kid". Then he'll pull out a piece and blow my keister off.

Barney Miller:
Don't be ridiculous.

Gardeno:
Freeze! I'm a police officer.

Yemana:
Ha ha ha.

Yemana:
You know those cute little Japanese dolls that you rub on the belly for luck?

Barney Miller:
Yeah.

Yemana:
I'm taking one out to dinner tonight.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
[eating a brownie] Mooshy mooshy.

Det. Phil Fish:
First time in years I felt this good and it has to be illegal!

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
[feeling effects of the brownies] You put them in your coffee and they get all mooshy-mooshy!

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
[feeling the effects of the brownies] Barney, Barney, Barney... was your mother from Killarney?

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
[feeling the effects of the brownies] Hey Barney... let's go down to the beach and shoot some clams!

Capt. Barney Miller:
Here, take these down to the lab; have 'em analyzed, fast. [Harris takes a bite out of a brownie] *Not THAT way!*

Det. Ron Harris:
Uh... I think they got hash in 'em, Barn.

Capt. Barney Miller:
*Hash?*

Det. Ron Harris:
I mean the way that I FEEL.

[Wojo is trying to open a window that won't budge]

Det. Phil Fish:
You'll never open that window. They nailed it down in 1932, on the day this building was condemned.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
I can't breathe in here, Fish. Room's like a oven.

Mr. Carterman:
An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. And I want his whole body to go to prison.

Justice Department Counsel Chester Monahan:
But...

Mr. Carterman:
.. That too!

Det. Ron Harris:
Barney, you are looking at one mad n*gger.

Barney Miller:
I'll go with you myself.

Det. Janice Wentworth:
Please, Captain Miller? You're gonna have to let me go some time.

Barney Miller:
What do you say, Fish?

Fish:
I'd like to, Barney, but it would kill Bernice if she found out I died in the company of another woman.

Elizabeth Miller:
Phil, that is just terrible!

Fish:
Okay, Wentworth, come on. But I'M driving.

Yemana:
[answers phone] 12th Precinct, Sgt. Yemana. Yes, sir. A stolen car? What kind of car, Mr. Ravelli? "Studebaker". Could you describe the car, please? "Black fenders", "Silver doors", "Green hood", "Polka dot seat covers", "Monkey fur dashboard". Maybe it wasn't stolen. Maybe it ran away... Mr. Ravelli? [NOTE: "Studebaker" was dubbed in. The original car model was something else]

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
[arresting Mr. Hackman] If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you. And in your case, with the record you got at the phone company, everything you say will probably be held against you.

Paula Capshaw:
[as the prostitute stands in the door to leave] Never have I spent so much time with so many for so little.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
Wasn't it Winston Churchill said that?

Paula Capshaw:
Never met the man.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
Those cups look different.

Darryl Driscoll:
I scrubbed off all the mold and mildew.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
I thought it was a pattern.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Did you fix yourself up with a place to sleep?

Det. Ron Harris:
Yeah, but I ain't gonna make it tonight, Barney.

Barney Miller:
[Just as he walks in the door, a gun is pointed at his face] I hate starting the day off like this.

Barney Miller:
What's the weather like?

Elizabeth Miller:
It's brown.

Barney Miller:
Is it raining?

Elizabeth Miller:
Something is coming down but it isn't rain. I think it's a new plague. Isn't it nice?

Barney Miller:
A little brown weather is normal for New York at this time of year. When it gets colder, we can look forward to a tan Christmas.

Barney Miller:
David, there's two and a half million dollars worth of toys in this house; why do you always have to play with the gun?

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
[to Ramon] You know what I feel like when I hear somebody screaming, "Help! Police! Murder! Call the cops! Somebody's getting killed!" and I find a Puerto Rican beatin' the hell out of some whitey? I gotta pull out my piece and say...

[with a British accent]

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
"Hold on there! Hands in the air, police officer, thank you!" [in normal voice] Cause it's so embarrassing!

[Farber has tried to commit suicide in the bathroom]

Capt. Barney Miller:
[to Chano] Taking a prisoner to the bathroom is a professional obligation, not a social function!

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
I didn't think he could hurt himself in the toilet.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Look up your statistics! Toilets are very high up in the statistics!

Det. Ron Harris:
[talking on the phone] Hey, Engine Room? Hey, what's the matter with you guys? It's 26 degrees up here. Hey, I wasn't meant for this type of weather, baby.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
Tell him my blood is turning to slush.

Det. Ron Harris:
[on the phone] Hey, don't give me "energy crisis," man! How would you like it if we quit and left your loved ones unprotected?

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
Very well put.

Det. Ron Harris:
[on the phone] Hey, baby, it is cold up here.

[another phone rings and Yemana answers it]

Det. Ron Harris:
[on the first phone] Yeah, well, if we don't get some heat up here, we're gonna start breaking up the furniture and burning it.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
Hey, Fish! You wouldn't believe what makes a guy like that do what he does, man.

Det. Phil Fish:
It's the weather. When it gets damp and cold, people get depressed, irritable and unpleasant. In the winter, Scandinavia has more lunatics per capita than any other country in the world.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
No kidding!

Det. Phil Fish:
Bernice is Scandinavian, but only on her mother's side. She usually cheers up around... the middle of February.

Capt. Barney Miller:
[to Fish] What about the night shift? Are they going to make it?

Det. Phil Fish:
I don't think so. The guys who live on Long Island can't get to Manhattan.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Well, that means the guys who live in Manhattan can't get to Long Island.

Det. Phil Fish:
Right.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Why don't we call Long Island and have them keep the guys who can't get to Manhattan, and we'll keep the guys who can't get to Long Island.

Det. Phil Fish:
[shakes his head] They tried it once and they didn't like it. It made too much sense.

[Wojo is putting the store payroll in the safe]

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
[looking at safe] What's the combination on this thing? I forgot it again.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
One to the left, two to the right, three to the left, four to the right.

Det. Phil Fish:
That's the way to do the Varsity Drag.

Det. Ron Harris:
[talking on the phone] Hey, Engine Room, what's the matter with you guys? Turn the heat down! The humidity's murder up here! We can't even get the stamps to stick to the envelopes.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
Wish I could say the same for my shorts.

Det. Ron Harris:
[mocking Yemana's voice] Very well put.

[the squad has brought in a stick-up man]

Stick-Up Man:
Hey, it's freezing in here!

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
Ever since we washed the furnace, we can't do a thing with it.

Lyle W. Farber:
I apologize.

Det. Phil Fish:
That's okay.

Lyle W. Farber:
I apologize to the entire world.

Det. Phil Fish:
On behalf of the entire world, I accept your apology.

Harry Tannenbaum:
You know, the first eight or nine times I was robbed I took it personal. I thought it was a prejudice thing. You know, Tannenbaum. So I put a sign up in the window: "Tannenbaum Means Christmas Tree." You know, like the song. A fellow comes in with a gun, looks at the sign, and says, "Okay, stick up your branches! One move and I'll blow your bulbs off!"

Harry Tannenbaum:
When the temperature gets over 90, the crazies come out of the cracks. Believe me, I know.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
Then why don't you buy a gun?

Harry Tannenbaum:
I made a deal with the mayor. I don't buy guns, and cops don't sell corned beef.

Professor Henry McDowell:
[arrested while conducting research for a book on profanity] I'm not a pervert. I'm a scholar.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich:
There's no reason why you can't be both.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
[irritated, but holding his temper] Go ahead and take a seat.

Harold Adelman:
[a little cynical] Are we required to?

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
If you want to sit down, yeah.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
No lady sleeps with a man for money. What brings you up here, Mrs. Miller?

Elizabeth Miller:
I came to get a check from Barney.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
What year were you born?

Linda Fuller:
Early '50s.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz:
Can't you be more specific?

Linda Fuller:
1947.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
[booking a Puerto Rican hooker] Miss del Fuego, I came from a very small fishing village in Puerto Rico.

Puerto Rican Hooker:
Me, too.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
I came here, I worked very hard, I learned to speak English.

Puerto Rican Hooker:
Me, too.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
And today, I am proud to serve the public and be known as one of New York's finest.

Puerto Rican Hooker:
Me, too!

Linda Fuller:
[to Wojo] I hope you're a good cop, 'cause you're a crummy human being.

Elizabeth Miller:
[seeing the prostitutes in the office] Is that what I think it is out there or does everyone have his own private secretary now?

Capt. Barney Miller:
Business as usual.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
Hey, Nick, if a guy's been murdered and his name begins with B, do you file it under "M" for "murder", "B" for "Bertoni", or "H" for "homicide"?

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
What's the name of the guy that killed him?

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale:
We don't know that yet.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana:
File it under "U" for "unsolved".

Puerto Rican Hooker:
[to Harris about Chano] Do I have to go with him again?

Det. Ron Harris:
Uh, no, we're desegregated here.

Puerto Rican Hooker:
He's always picking on me because I'm Puerto Rican, you know?

Det. Ron Harris:
Well, you see, that's because Chano feels that Puerto Rican ladies are very special.

Puerto Rican Hooker:
Me, too. You know, I make more money than they all do.

Telephone Repairman:
Are you really a cop?

Yemana:
Yeah, why do you ask?

Telephone Repairman:
Never seen a Japanese cop before.

Yemana:
Ever been to Tokyo?

Alan Schuster:
I didn't know Orientals had a sense of humor.

Yemana:
Are you kidding? We invented gunpowder.

Capt. Barney Miller:
[holding a shotgun] Do you have a permit for this weapon, Mr. Brower?

Phillip Brower:
I don't need a permit! I got gold!

[Yemana is reading an article in the newspaper for a horse race involving a horse named Pick-Me-Nick]

Wojo:
Do you think it's an omen?

Yemana:
Omen? It's practically an order.

[Wojo is recalling what happened when he was clinically dead]

Wojo:
It was kinda peaceful. And I think I might've heard these voices.

Dietrich:
Of course you did; you were lying on the phone lines.

Yemana:
You don't believe that there is something up there that plans everything for all of us?

Dietrich:
If you're referring to a single, all-powerful force that's guiding our destinies, I would have to say no.

Yemana:
Well, I just don't happen to agree with you.

Capt. Barney Miller:
Unfortunately, Dietrich, we're not all blessed with your certainty. So if you don't mind, I'm afraid we're all just going to have to muddle through it with all our questions and our doubts.

Yemana:
[getting off the phone] Pick-Me-Nick won! I won 400 bucks! [everyone stares at him] I guess that settles that!

Yemana:
He really is a werewolf, Barn. Look, he's got hair growing out of his face!

Captain Barney Miller:
That's a beard. Haven't you ever seen one?

Yemana:
Not in MY family.

Insp. Frank Luger:
What are you, some kind of playboy bunny, Barney?

Insp. Frank Luger:
What are you, some kind of playboy bunny, Barney?

he needs a room in the hotel silly.

Ron Harris:

"I booked him on a loco-motive."

To the Captain:

"You didn't think I had another one in me, did ya."