Being Human

Kirby:
I bet you're kicking yourselves, aren't you. Wondering how on earth you didn't recognize me. [they still don't] For f***'s sake. The Toy Man! [nothing] I killed five women. And the little sod who's ball I was getting when I got run over, his mum was going to be number six. And then, well, who knows how many I would have killed. I would have been up there with the greats! There would have been a waxwork of me at Madame Tussaud's. There'd be theories. Copycats! Terrible films! [nothing] Really? Nothing?

Hal:
When you said "rather odd", what were you implying?

Dr. North:
That he's a half-wit.

Tom:
That's not very nice.

Dr. North:
Are you the baby's sole carer?

Tom:
Nope. It's not just me.

Dr. North:
There's the baby's mother?

Tom:
Sort of, yeah.

Dr. North:
Is everything all right here? because you seem rather odd.

Hal:
[Enters] What do you mean by that?

Dr. North:
Who are you?

Hal:
[Uncomfortable] I'm, um... [Looks at Annie]

Annie:
Say it.

Hal:
I'm his... boyfriend.

Annie:
Must be lovely being you. Always the cleverest and the oldest and never forget anything for hundreds of years.

Hal:
[Dead serious] No. It's terrible.

Dr. North:
I had no idea you were gay. Most of the gay couples I know have taste.

Annie:
It's rented!

Annie:
Now I know that you could never hurt Eve, so... [she hugs him around his middle]

Hal:
Awkward.

Annie:
I'm traumatizing her. I mean she's meant to be the savior, but instead she's going to end up pregnant at thirteen, on drugs and knifing pensioners outside the Quasar Centre.

Hal:
Annie's getting hysterical downstairs and I'm not enjoying it.

Tom:
Annie's made a rota.

Hal:
I already have a rota.

Tom:
Seven a.m. I feed the baby. Eight a.m. you walk the baby. There's a task for every hour and it's color-coded.

Hal:
With little pictures of nappies and bottles. And glitter. She's planned every moment of every minute of every day of our lives.

Tom:
We must destroy this.

Kirby:
The rest of the house is fab. Although I wasn't sure about the knife in the wall downstairs.

Annie:
Oh. Yeah. No, that was me. A vampire got in and tried to hurt Eve so I, you know... [mimes stabbing]

Kirby:
You can be quite scary.

Annie:
Yeah, new mum. What can I say.

Nina:
[after chasing Adam through the hospital] And where do you think you're going?

Adam:
Oh, I thought I'd try my luck in Hematology.

Adam:
Mitchell? Is that another ghost? A bloody Hogwart's, this place.

Nina:
Like he said: he's not even passed the breast feeding stage yet.

Adam:
Well. If you're offering...

Mitchell:
God made Man in His own image. What if that included Hisis rage, and His spite, and His indifference, and His cruelty? What if God made US...

[vampires]

Mitchell:
...too. We're all... His children, you see, but God's a bit of a bastard.

Kemp:
[about to be killed by Mitchell] I'm ready to meet my Maker. Are you ready to meet yours?

Amy McBride:
[as a specter covered in blood] It's coming.

George:
This place is doing my head in, all the medical tests, religious talks. D'you know, I'm not even allowed protein.

Annie:
You're kidding.

George:
No. No dairy or meat. Apparently they're worried it will "strengthen the demon."

Lucy:
I saw Amy McBride this morning.

Kemp:
Amy McBride is dead.

Lucy:
She spoke to me. She said, "It's coming."

Kemp:
What is?

Lucy:
Retribution, my stuff from Amazon... She didn't go into detail.

Kemp:
What hell was in that house? What hell have we invited here?

George:
Something's going on.

Nina:
You're imagining it.

George:
I'm not. That little bible guy who brought us here was pumped full of adrenaline. Couldn't you smell it?

Nina:
[as George crawls away] Oh! Nice arse.

George:
Yeah. I'm aware of that, thank you.

Nina:
Why is it always down to the victims to do the right thing?

George:
Because there has to be a difference between us an them.

Lucy:
I betrayed my lover. I betrayed my faith. I don't know what I am anymore.

Mitchell:
I guess you're a monster now - just like us.

Nina:
Live with it. It's happening.

Lucy:
The werewolves are sick. There is evil in them. Everything we have done has been to try and help them.

Mitchell:
That's very noble, but did it ever occur to you that if you start pre-ordering body bags then maybe it was time to stop?

Annie:
Do you know what the weird thing is?

Psychic:
Annie says, "Do you know what the weird thing is."

George:
For the eighteenth time, I can hear her.

Lucy:
It's Mitchell.

Kemp:
Mitchell was destroyed in the fire along with all the other vampires.

Lucy:
Amy McBride died in the chamber four months ago. That didn't stop her dropping by my office this morning.

Technician:
Oh, Amy McBride came to your office? Amy McBride who exploded.

Lucy:
The three of you, you erase everything. Science, faith. We go back to the year dot with you. My god, to study that. To understand a fraction of what you mean to the world.

Mitchell:
And how does blowing up a building full of vampires fit in with that?

Lucy:
We got sidetracked.

Mitchell:
Sidetracked?

Lucy:
There was a parade of bodies coming into the hospital, Mitchell. We were supposed to just sit there and watch?

Mitchell:
It was under control.

Lucy:
Yeah. Yeah, clearly.

Mitchell:
So you took it upon yourselves to do a bit of ethnic cleansing.

Mitchell:
If this was just a science project, then why focus on us?

Lucy:
The three of you living together like that, it frightened us. We didn't know what you were planning.

Mitchell:
We weren't planning anything. We just wanted to be left alone

Lucy:
You don't get to be left alone! You don't get a life and lovers and hope! You are poisonous! You are wearing other people's clothes. You are not human.

Mitchell:
You have such a reductive view of the world. God made man in His own image. What if that included His rage? And His spite. And His indifference. And His cruelty. What if God made us too? We're all his children, you see. God's a bit of a bastard. Look at us both. Covered in other people's blood and talking about morality. But there's one difference between me and you. You had a choice.

George:
Who keeps their rotten tomatoes? Who looks in their salad cooler, sees their tomatoes are on the turn, and thinks 'Oh... Oh, no... No, I'll hang on to those in case some paedos move in opposite'?

George:
Oh, no, no, it just occurred to me. I was on the jaws of a change when me and Nina...

Mitchell:
Yeah-yeah-yeah.

George:
...you know. I... I had the wolf... IN me.

Mitchell:
[to Annie] So did Nina.

George:
Would you stop snickering! This is not a joke. I really really like Nina. And I thought that- well, I hoped that she liked me. But what if she's only interested in the wolf? [they consider it] Ah. Oh, oh, thank you for, "Oh no, George. How could that be possible?".

Nina:
Saying "It's not you, it's me" is a stabbable offence in my book, and I can easily get my hands on scalpels, so you'll have to do a lot better than that.

George:
Nina, do I look like a peado?

Nina:
If peados looked like peados they'd never do any peadoing!

Mitchell:
[voiceover] Where do I belong? Where do I fit? Who are MY people? Where do my loyalties lie? We all choose our tribe. It's that need to belong, to live within boundaries, 'cause it's scary on the outside, on the fringes. Some labels are forced on us. They mark us, set us apart till we've like ghosts just drifting through other people's lives - but only if we let the labels hold.

Mitchell:
You know what I can't get my head around?

George:
Quantum mechanics?

George:
What else have you got up there, some German scat inside Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?

George:
We are MONSTERS, Mitchell. We deserve to be cast out.

George:
I'm seeing Nina later. Not a date. It's really really really not a date.

Mitchell:
"Not a date" in a pub? Or "not a date" in a restaurant or "not a date" in another... date-like situation?

Mitchell:
Tragic, misunderstood monster chased away by the mob.

George:
Can you blame them? That lot are right. I mean not about the hats. There are some seriously mad hats there. But the likes of us. No. No, we're not fit to live among decent people.

Mitchell:
It's a good job we don't then.

Annie:
And for all I know this could be perfectly normal. You find out your fianc? murdered you, you become a "throwing things about" ghost.

Mitchell:
Poltergeist.

Annie:
See. You know the terms. You understand how this works. Do you think I can channel it? Because I have been dying to pull that fridge out and clean behind it.

Nina:
You're pissed off with me?

George:
No. Nina, no! Your commitment to your job, it's, it's so attractive. Your passion, your... your... commitment. It's up there with... ah... er... !

Nina:
[Helping] My breasts?

Mitchell:
[about Bernie] How has he never heard of Laurel and Hardy? They're, like, the funniest men who've ever lived.

Annie:
Oh, that's someone who's never seen "Ace Ventura".

Mitchell:
Yeah, and that's someone with no taste.

Mitchell:
[Mitchell sees two kids bullying a young boy] Oi lads, what are you doing?

Stevo:
Piss off!

Mitchell:
Run that by me again?

Stevo:
You heard.

Ahmed:
He reckons he can take us.

Mitchell:
[Chuckles] You're about three.

Stevo:
[to Bernie] This your boyfriend?

Bernie:
No.

Mitchell:
[Mitchell gets between the boys] Leave him alone.

Ahmed:
F*** off, goth boy.

Mitchell:
Don't push your luck.

Stevo:
Or you'll do what?

Mitchell:
Don't.

Stevo:
[Two boys push Mitchell] Or what.

Mitchell:
You don't wanna know.

Stevo:
Yeah I do, why I asked. [Stevo continues to push Mitchell]

Mitchell:
No, no really, [Mitchell turns towards Bernie, then looks at the two bullies and his eyes go black] you don't.

George:
[In Mitchell's hospital room] What are you doing?

Chaplain:
Christ! You made me jump.

George:
Who are you? Move away from the bed.

Chaplain:
Mark, the hospital chaplain. They rang me. The hospital rang me at home.

George:
Why?

Chaplain:
It's a policy. They do it when a hospital employee's been admitted.

George:
It's three o'clock in the morning.

Chaplain:
They said he might... They said I should come tonight.

George:
Wha'chu going to do?

Chaplain:
I was going to say a prayer for him. Perhaps you'd like to join me?

George:
Uh, no. That's not such a good idea.

Chaplain:
If you're non-believers, that's fine. We can just sit together for a few moments of quiet contemplation.

George:
Contemplation about what?

Chaplain:
Fiery oblivion awaits all atheists?

George:
Huh! No, it's not that. I'm Jewish and uh... he's complicated.

Chaplain:
Jewish people pray. I've seen Yentl.

George:
You're very sarcastic for a vicar.

Chaplain:
Yeah, so people tell me - and I feel really bad about it - but then, you know, I forgive myself.

George:
Humanity is about love, and sacrifice. This doesn't rob me of my humanity. It proves it.

[first lines]

Annie:
[voiceover] It was nothing really, just a small good deed in the darkness, but Fate is always playing a long game.

Kemp:
Professor Jaggat... we've found them.

George:
So, so, okay, so when is this supposed to be happening?

Mitchell:
Tomorrow.

George:
Tomorrow? Why tomorrow? That's when I transform; I won't be able to be there.

Mitchell:
BECAUSE it's when you transform and you won't be able to be there.

George:
Someone actually recruited an old woman.

Herrick:
Well, you know what it's like. You're out and about, you get the munchies. You'll eat anything.

Herrick:
How do you think this ends?

George:
I don't know. We kiss?

Annie:
[voiceover] They were just two souls, united by fear and solitude, lost in the dark. Fate pushed them together, and now they were gonna find out why.

Canteen Girl:
Hey, you wanna see my tits, little doggy?

Herrick:
And I was gonna give you South America.

Josie:
If you don't stop Herrick, who will?

Mitchell:
You saved me once already. So let me save you too.

Josie:
Death isn't always the unwelcome guest you think it is.

Annie:
Herrick can't hurt me though, can he? I know that sounds... But I'm saying that's all talk. He can't hurt me. I'm already dead.

Mitchell:
He can. It's the house that keeps you here. It's me and George. So he'll get rid of us, burn the house to the ground. There'll be nothing left for you. You'll be like smoke, you'll just blow apart in the breeze.

Cara:
Herrick came for me. And now I have the blood of the ancestors. Ten thousand years of majesty and glory!

Annie:
Well. Congratulations on mastering the whole speaking like a twat thing.

Nina:
You tried to protect me from it all, didn't you?

George:
I thought maybe the two things could exist side by side. Something I hated and something...

Nina:
Say it.

George:
Something I loved.

Herrick:
So. A werewolf, a ghost and a vampire decide to live like humans do. They get a job, a house and a TV license. They take friends they will lie to. Take lovers they will infect. In fact, the only part of humanity they successfully adopt is its ability to deceive and destroy. All in all I'd say your little scheme has been something of a failure.

Annie:
Why did I hear those voices? The dead people? I never used to be able to do that.

Mitchell:
You turned down death. No one's ever done that. It's like it opened something in you.

Annie:
Like I've got a whole new skill set.

Mitchell:
We should make an action figure of you.

Seth:
They don't know who we are.

Billy:
They do. I got here before you arrived and got talking to the owner. His nan's died, and he wanted an undertakers so I kinda gave him our business card.

Seth:
We've got business cards? We're not even a real business!

George:
But ah, I don't know what you're hoping to achieve, hm? I can't be killed. This whole thing, you can't hurt me.

Herrick:
We both know that's not true. Because we're not talking about bullets or knives here, are we? I am the weapon.

Cara:
Herrick came for me and now I have the blood of the ancestors. Ten thousand years of majesty and glory.

Annie:
Well, congratulations on mastering the whole 'speaking like a twat' thing.

Nina:
It's a lot to take in. You know, werewolves, ghosts, vampires... I didn't even believe in homeopathy before this.

Mitchell:
[after Annie announces she's applying for a job at the local pub] Did that just happen?

George:
Well, I think it's good she's moving on.

Mitchell:
No. No, you're right. The disembodied spirit of a dead woman is getting a job in the service industry. What could possibly go wrong?

George:
It's not about you anymore, so there's nothing left for you to do. You're like a piece of, um, deadly furniture.

Mitchell:
Did you just call me "deadly furniture"?

Daisy:
Oh, that's sweet. You might tear someone's throat out, but God forbid anyone should see your winkie.

Mitchell:
Nah, he's not handsome.

George:
Ah, thank you.

Nina:
Why does this always happen when you tell a man another man is handsome?

Annie:
Yeah, i-i-it is possible for two men to be handsome.

Annie:
[looking at George, then quickly adding] Three men.

Nina:
Although he is really handsome...

George:
Oh, look, can we talk about something else?

Nina:
[in mock-cheerful tone] I'm a werewolf!

George:
[uncomfortable pause] I guess he's fairly handsome.

Nina:
Yes, well, let's hope he's deaf as well.

Annie:
We're talking about magic and-and-and curses. We're off the map here.

Daisy:
A lot of vampires, it's all about the blood and the world domination. Me and Ivan, we're just about the tourism.

Ivan:
Oh, mate, you look awful.

Mitchell:
You just smacked me in the face!

Ivan:
You know, I think you know what I mean. So it's true, then. You're clean.

Mitchell:
Yeah, you should try it.

Ivan:
Oh, yes, then maybe one day I could look like sh*t, too.

Ivan:
Taking out someone like Herrick is never clean. It's never clinical. It leaves a wound, and wounds get infected.

Daisy:
I'm hungry, baby. We should grab someone on the way home.

Mitchell:
What happened?

George:
She attacked me, but I managed to fight her off.

Mitchell:
Yeah? You've got lipstick on your mouth.

Annie:
I've applied for a job.

George:
As what?

Annie:
Well, it's something that I've always fancied.

George:
Well, uh, marrying Colin Firth isn't, strictly speaking, a job.

Daisy:
Become cruel. It's fun.

Daisy:
Oh, don't get dressed yet. I'm likin' the whole caveman thing.

George:
I was actually looking forward to this, living with Nina. But I'm not sure even... I mean yeah, yeah, there's moisturizer and there's Tampax in the bathroom but it's not like we're having sex. We watch TV and she's just sitting on the other- I mean if she could see the screen from the patio she'd sit there.

Mitchell:
She saw you kill someone. That's aside from all the stuff about us.

Nina:
I need to show you something. [She rolls up her sleeve] When he pushed me back I got these. [See scratches]

Annie:
But he hadn't changed though, had he?

Nina:
Well... his nails needed clipping.

Mitchell:
Why did you attack George?

Ivan:
It was my duty.

Mitchell:
Your duty. You didn't even like Herrick.

Ivan:
There are rules, Mitchell. He was one of us.

Mitchell:
George why are we doing this?

George:
Three times. Three times I've been attacked now.

Mitchell:
We should let them go. [George starts upstairs] Be careful.

George:
I think I can handle her.

Mitchell:
I *know* her. Be careful.

Mitchell:
You can't get a job, Annie.

Annie:
But who would know? I'm visible now, I'm solid.

Mitchell:
You're not solid, you're squishy. What about when people touch you?

Annie:
What kind of a pub do you think it is, Mitchell?

Lucy:
Last night I got home and my goldfish was gone. No body, no note, nothing. So... no, I'm really not okay.

Mitchell:
Do you have a cat? 'Cause, well, chances are that's what ate the goldfish.

Lucy:
I don't, but if I did I think I would have made that connection.

George Sands:
It's not about you any more, so there's nothing left for you to do. You're like a piece of um... deadly furniture.

Mitchell:
Did you just call me deadly furniture?

Mitchell:
[Mitchell and George learn that Annie has applied for a job] You can't get a job Annie.

Annie:
But who would know? I'm visible now, I'm solid.

Mitchell:
You're not solid, you're squishy. What about when people touch you?

Annie:
What kind of pub do you think it is, Mitchell?

Mitchell:
D'ya ever hear the phrase "History is written by the victors?" And the same goes for crime reports and death certificates.

George:
Right, so we've a defrocked priest and a mad scientist. Nope, no alarm bells ringing so far.

Kemp:
You can't cherry-pick the aspects of faith that appeal to you. If you believe in God's miracles, you must believe in Satan's.

George:
Yeah, I don't believe in Satan.

Kemp:
Then you're an idiot! EVIL EXISTS!

Nina:
Look, they are offering back our lives.

George:
Oh, really? I didn't realise I was lacking one. I have a job, friends, a girlfriend who won't leave me.

Quinn:
[reciting] Here comes the candle to light you to bed. Here comes the chopper to chop off your head.

George:
We're monsters, Annie. Immersing ourselves in humanity is deceptive and it's dangerous, and the sooner we're away from other people, the better.

Ivan:
You're unlucky. You have ambition. You're trapped in a world of dwarves and you can see it for that. It's not your baby who's in the wrong place.

[Kemp describes his planned method for curing lycanthropy]

George:
Right. Right, so, it's-it's less of an exorcism. It's more like a... vivisection.

Mitchell:
Stephen, this is Daisy. Daisy, Stephen the coroner.

Daisy:
Hey, Stephen the Coroner.

Mitchell:
So... The fire at the funeral parlor. One of the vampires that got toasted was her husband. How long were you together, Dais?

Daisy:
Sixty-nine years.

Mitchell:
Sixty-nine year. And when you think about couples nowadays, 'eh? Anyway, Daisy needs closure, and she's decided that the best way of gettin' that is by cuttin' your throat.

Mitchell:
We find Lucy.

Daisy:
I don't think she wants to be found.

Mitchell:
She told me once that she prayed in the hospital chapel, so I'll go speak to the chaplin, give him a fright.

Daisy:
And what if he doesn't know?

Mitchell:
Then, one by one, we'll kill everyone in the world until we find her.

Daisy:
Sounds fun.

Daisy:
All over the world you've got these pockets of vampires, some in hiding, some with arrangements like you had here, but things have started to shift. You noticed how there's been a lot of accidents lately? Gas explosions. Buildings collapsing. They're fighting back.

Mitchell:
"They?"

Daisy:
Humans.

Mitchell:
[laughs] That's what Herrick was always talkin' about. Survival of the fittest. Look, it comes down to this, right? There's always going to be someone with a bigger stick.

Daisy:
So what do we do?

Mitchell:
Oh, we have to wait.

Daisy:
[shouting] I'm not gonna f***ing wait! My husband died in there.

Mitchell:
I know.

Daisy:
Ivan. Your friend. Don't you get it? We're being hunted. We have to retaliate.

Mitchell:
And how are we gonna do that? Hm?

Daisy:
I'm gonna track down everyone who knew; I'm going to torture them; I'm gonna find out who did this; I'm going to kill them.

George:
Listen, I need to tell you something important and you'll probably want to have a wrestle, but, uh, listen. I'm going to that place with Nina and the priest and Professor Jaggat.

Annie:
And I'm going to go with him.

George:
Yeah, so, uh...

Mitchell:
Good. Piss off, 'cause I'm gettin' really sick of your dog hairs on my clothes.

Sam:
You know, it's like you're still there. sat in that house with Mitchell, watching The Real Hustle, surrounded by cups of cold tea. It's like you're hedging your bets.

George:
I'm not! But I can't just abandon- I still have commitments, Sam.

Sam:
I'm not asking you to abandon anything. I'm asking you to stop giving mixed signals. You know, I know things between us have happened really quickly but that's what you wanted. You set the speed, not me. You're nervous now, George. Waiting for the other boot to drop.

Annie:
Nina!

Nina:
Hi.

Annie:
Well come here. [They hug]

Nina:
How's George? Sorry that was- How're you? F*** it, tell me later. How is George?

Annie:
He's okay.

Nina:
What's happened?

Annie:
Um. Do you want to sit down? Um... he's met someone, Nina. And he's moved out.

Nina:
Ah... What's she like?

Annie:
Are you back now? Please tell me that you've come back to tranquilize George.

Nina:
It's complicated. I need to speak to him. So he'll be here tonight for the full moon? I need to speak to him before then.

Annie:
Yeah, just hang out. He's always here. Half his stuff is still here. Thing is, he has moved out but he's always coming back. It's like we've become his shed.

George:
No, you get back and get in the- Get in the kitchen!

Annie:
Father Ted won't even be able to see me.

George:
Yes, but I will. And I will giggle. And Nina will. And she will get snippy.

George:
Lists solve everything. You put the thing on a list, you do the thing, and then you tick it off, and in that way order is achieved and the world... becomes... a better place.

George:
Tell me, is there anybody left in Bristol who can have a shag without being tied up first?

Campbell:
My name's Campbell and I'm a blood addict. It's been nine days since my last drink and, boy, don't I know it.

Sykes:
Thanks for all your help, George.

George:
Oh, no, that's, um... That's fine. I'll, uh... I'll just throw ALL OF THIS IN THE BIN, THEN, SHALL I?

[George storms off]

Annie:
[calling after] Wow! Clearly somebody's been watching a bit too much Gordon Ramsey!

Ivan:
I may be many things, Mitchell, but I am a man of my word. I will stand in that room and talk about how brave and strong we all are, how this is a fight that we can win. I will do that for as long as you need me to, but I... I can not do it, uh... dry.

Mitchell:
Do you have any idea what you're asking me to do?

Ivan:
I could say the same to you.

George:
I got cocky, didn't I? I thought I could put the wolf to sleep, like it would be that easy.

Mitchell:
Come on. We don't know that this is anything to do with that.

George:
Yes, we do. It's like I can feel him pacing in his cage up here, and he feels cheated. He feels aggrieved because I didn't let him out. I didn't let him rage and he wants to rage so very much.

Mitchell:
I'm a f***ing hero. Enjoy your meal.

Sykes:
Annie, you were never meant to be visible in the first place. There's a natural order. There's life, there's the door and then, somewhere in between them, there's the ghosts.

Pablo:
[learning English as a second language] What is "F-word?"

George:
Uh... wha... I don't think this is exactly covered on the lesson plan, so we'll skip over that one.

Pablo:
Then, why the not say "f***?"

Kemp:
I'm not here about a job. I'm here about those wonderful papers you wrote last year.

Lucy:
Oh, great.

Kemp:
Your theory of a gene that could be the cause of all evil, was a revelation.

Lucy:
Those papers were merely speculative. An intellectual exercise that some people...

Kemp:
Really? So you don't mean a word of it.

Kemp:
Last week you received a sample of blood, yes?

Lucy:
Yeah. We get a lot of those here.

Kemp:
This one you'd remember. You ran it through your machines and the readings made no sense. You would have checked it several times and then perhaps blamed your machine.

Lucy:
What was it?

Kemp:
Evil.

Annie:
I'll haunt you!

Sykes:
You can't haunt another ghost.

Annie:
Well I'll give it a damn good go.

Sykes:
You've resisted Death's Door three times.

Annie:
How could you know that?

Sykes:
Oh please, it's written all over your aura. Which I could teach you to read.

Annie:
You can read auras?

Sykes:
Maybe.

Ivan:
Well. That was a very creative reinterpretation of the rules.

Mitchell:
There aren't rules. There's one rule.

Ivan:
That's addicts for you, always looking for little loopholes.

Ivan:
Please don't say you got that idea from me.

Mitchell:
You should be pleased.

Ivan:
Pleased? Don't be f***ing ridiculous. It's like when they dress up those bears and make them dance for the tourists in Istanbul. Have you ever seen that?

Mitchell:
No, I can't say I have.

Ivan:
This great big mountain of power and fury, done up in a fez and a waistcoat, and all the time just waiting for it to wake up, realize what it is and tear someone's throat out.

Mitchell:
Did you ever actually see it happen?

Ivan:
Yeah, yeah, I did. Horrific. I mean I've got photos if you want.

Sykes:
What do you make of this likely looking fella here?

Annie:
OCD. Desperate. Having a mid-life crisis.

Sykes:
I meant from his aura.

George:
I mean, I speak a ridiculous amount of languages. I have an IQ of a hundred and fifty-six, for gods sake. Surely I can get a job that doesn't insult my intelligence. Um, no offense.

Mitchell:
Yeah, well, those thickies at the hospital are really gonna miss you, man.

Sykes:
There's nothing I can do for you. Fighting the men behind the Door is grown-up stuff. You're outmanned and outgunned.

Annie:
Grown up stuff? You're about nine!

Sykes:
I died when I was twenty-three. In ghost years I'm eighty-nine.

Annie:
Oh great. So you're senile.

Mitchell:
What part of "no blood" did you not understand?

Campbell:
No no no. This is different. She wants to be fed on.

Mitchell:
Excuse me?

Campbell:
We found her online. On an emo message board. There are dozens of 'em. They talk about vampires and there's all this bonkers self-harm stuff. It gets really dark. Anyway, they love the idea of being drunk from. It's a kind of groupie thing. Isn't that better?

Mitchell:
No, Campbell! It's not better. Get her out of her, will ya?

Campbell:
Sorry. [Emo Girl whispers to Campbell] She says can she have her bus fare home then?

Mitchell:
For f***'s sake.

George:
This whole time, I haven't really wanted to think about what happens to me during my hairy times. But as of now, I'm facing it. So. What happens to me?

Mitchell:
You turn into a werewolf.

George:
Uh uh. Uh huh. Yeah. And what's a werewolf?

Mitchell:
A big scary animal.

George:
Exactamundo, Mitchell! The key word is animal. And what do you do with a big scary animal? You put it in a cage. Thus, I am going to buy a cage. See, and this is on my list. "Buy a cage".

Mitchell:
Yeah, a very strong cage.

George Sands:
There must be some other reason for chatting you up, like access to drugs.

Mitchell:
She's a doctor! She can steal her own drugs.

Annie:
[Opens front door] Hello!

Pizza Delivery Boy:
12 inch Mess of Meats.

Annie:
Oh, thank you.

Mitchell:
Great. Keep the change.

[Takes pizza]

Annie:
So, um, how long have you been delivering pizzas?

Pizza Delivery Boy:
Couple of months?

Annie:
And could you ride a moped before or did they teach you?

Pizza Delivery Boy:
They taught us. We had to drive round and round the car park.

Annie:
I bet you hate pizza. I mean, you get home and your girlfriend's like, "What do you want for tea?" and I bet you're like, "Not pizza!"

Pizza Delivery Boy:
I live with my dad.

Annie:
Madness. See ya!

[Shuts front door]

Annie:
He could see me.

Mitchell:
He could SO see you.

Annie:
Ahh, it's happening all the time now, and not just with people like you, but with normal people. I was outside putting out the recycling and a van drove past and the guy shouted "Slag!"

[giggles]

Annie:
So who wants tea?

George:
Ugh.

Annie:
What?

George:
You keep making tea! Every surface is covered with mugs of tea and coffee. I go to make myself some tea and I can't! There's no mugs, there's no tea, it's all been made! And you can't even drink it! Y-y-you can't drink it; you keep making it! Oh, oh, oh my god, it's driving me INSANE!

Annie:
Oh, well, I like my routine. It makes me feel normal.

George:
But-but-but you're a ghost!

Annie:
Yeah. OK.

George Sands:
[Annie's fianc? from when she was living has come to visit] What are you doing? We can hear you.

Annie:
I just want to see him. Look, I can sneak down. I can hide.

George Sands:
Are you crazy? He will see you and die of shock.

[Annie's face lights up]

George Sands:
Annie, that is not an option.

Mitchell:
You see, I can actually TALK to women without weeping or setting fire to myself.

[first lines]

Annie:
Everyone dies. Uh, actually, can I start that again? Everyone deserves a death. I WAS going to die of old age. That was the plan. Mitchell was going to go down in a blaze of gunfire and glory, not cold and alone and sh*t-scared. He didn't think Death would smile at him first. Death was always a certainty, the punch line we could all see coming, but not for Mitchell. For a vampire, death isn't the end but the beginning... So here we are. Overlooked and forgotten. Unnatural and... supernatural. Watching the dance from the sidelines. At least I was surrounded by friends and family. At least I got that bit right. You know the worst thing about being a ghost? It's lonely. You'll give anything for that crumb of comfort. That feel of skin against skin that says, "It's okay. I'm here." It's a hunger. The most basic instinct. You might even drag others into this world of the dead. Even if it means turning them into monsters too. Then there are the ones like George. The ones that should have died. But shattered and bloody, they walk away from the train wreck. But what's the cost? They're scarred. Transformed. They're monsters now too. Aberrations. The stuff of nightmares. The big bad wolf. So. What have we got left to look forward to? Us refugees. The flotsam and jetsam of death. Maybe, if we still deserve such a thing as mercy, we find each other.

Annie:
Oh, you both off then?

Mitchell:
Yeah, we've got work, and then it's his time of the month.

Annie:
Oh. Right. Well. Tell you what, I won't miss that. Used to have to curl up on the sofa, hot water bottle, Pride and Prejudice. Anyone says anything to me I'd bite their head off. Gosh, I suppose in your case that, that is actually quite a possibility, isn't it? You know, biting?

Lauren:
Did you enjoy my memorial service? It's a shame Mitchell couldn't make it, but maybe he'll come to yours.

Annie:
All right, George? What's happening? I thought it was your time of the month.

Mitchell:
It is. He's doing it here.

Annie:
Ugh! I just Hoovered!

Mitchell:
George, what do you need?

George:
Uh, close the curtains, so it can't see the windows. And, uh, put some music on, loud.

Mitchell:
Good idea. We'll say there's a party going on. Annie. Anything you don't want broken, put it in your room.

Annie:
Uh, and what are we supposed to while he's doing his thing?

Mitchell:
Get the hell out.

Annie:
[Mitchell allowed Becca to die instead of turning her into a vampire] Do you think he should have saved her?

George:
I think he did.

[George has learned that Mitchell is the one who turned Lauren into a vampire]

George:
I manage my condition. I hide in a shitty, bloody cellar or the middle of a forest. But you? You buy a bottle of wine and a packet of condoms! What is the point of us trying to build some kind of normality when you are attacking our friends and turning them into monsters? For Christ's sake! We knew her. You let me go to her bloody memorial!

Mitchell:
How the hell do you think I've survived for the last hundred years? There's no escape from it. I'm not like you, I don't get days off. This is what I am.

George Sands:
Other people move in somewhere, they get damp. No. They get woodlice. Why do we get Casper the Friendly Ghost?

Mitchell:
We've been over this. There must be something unresolved about her death. That's what's keeping her here.

George Sands:
It's not fair.

Mitchell:
Exactly. Whatever happened to her wasn't fair.

George Sands:
No. I mean it's unfair her being here. The amount of washing up she generates.

George:
[the morning after the full moon] Oh... no. Where's all our stuff? What did I do?

Mitchell:
We've salvaged what we can, but there's about ten bin bags of crap and wreckage stashed in my bedroom. I'm sensing a trip to IKEA. And you know my feelings about that.

Annie:
Okay, I've written a list of questions for you to ask him.

Mitchell:
[Reading] "Are you screwing Janey Harris?"

Annie:
She always fancied Owen. Trust me, if she had known when I died she'd have been here before the ambulance crew.

Mitchell:
[Still reading] Aw. "Has my sister had a baby?".

Annie:
Yeah, 'cause they've been trying for ages. I blame her husband. His name's Robin, he works in the post office.

George:
Oh my god, has everybody taken stupid pills? This is Annie's ex. Annie's ex who buried her.

Herrick:
Everything is about to change. And nothing can stop it. This is nature. This is... tectonic plates shifting. And the only thing, this, the only thing you and me get to choose... is which side we're on when it happens.

Annie:
Everyone dies. Actually, can I start that again? Everyone deserves a death.

George Sands:
I'd forgotten what they were like. The others. They're predators. Every inch of them is just hunger and fury. The energy it must take him [Mitchel] , every minute, not to be like that.

Owen:
[George returns downstairs after talking to Annie] What was it?

George:
What? Oh, um, it was, it was a pigeon.

Owen:
A pigeon?

George:
Must have left a window open.

Owen:
Well have you got rid of it?

George:
I killed it.

Mitchell:
[Mitchell almost spits out his drink, and gives George a horrified look] You... you killed it?

George:
[Nervously] With a shoe.

Mitchell:
[Owen leaves after an awkward first meeting with George and Mitchell, in which George said he'd killed a pigeon with a shoe] How did you do that, stay so calm?

George:
Okay, shut up.

Mitchell:
You're a spy, aren't ya? I mean you've clearly had training, because the way you held it together there, it was chilling.

Mitchell:
[Mitchell sees Herrick at the hospital] Didn't get my message? [Herrick looks confused] This isn't your f***in' larder, Herrick.

Mitchell:
I never know with you whether its Jewish guilt or werewolf guilt.

George:
They're pretty much the same thing.

Gilbert:
Still, it's death for no reason. Death for no reason's murder.

George:
Can't you see what you've done? You've turned us into a "Hello, how are you?" program with the whole sodding neighbourhood!

Mitchell:
We're valued members of the local community.

George:
Yes, till we inadvertently kill one of them.

George:
We need to set some ground rules here about guests.

Mitchell:
Like what?

George:
Like... don't kill them!

Mitchell:
Ugh, such a bourgeois concept.

George:
I'm not eating raw meat like an animal just because a ghost is ovulating.

Annie:
I met up with Gilbert. We went to the cemetery.

Mitchell:
He knows how to show a girl a good time.

George:
Look, I can speak German and Spanish, if it's any use. And Italian and French. And Croatian.

Nina:
Croatian?

George:
But my Russian's pretty basic, I'm afraid. Sort of, "Two beers, please, my girlfriend's allergic to dairy products," that sort of thing, but I can get by.

George:
Love should be the opposite of death. It should be our biggest reason for wanting to be here. I mean, what else have we got? Football? Shoes? But love gets complicated. It gets twisted up with other things like possession. Heartbreak. Lust. And death.

Mitchell:
[Outside the kitchen where Annie is having a freak out] Woah! We can't go in there. It's not safe. It's PMT. She wrote it on the calendar.

George:
How could she possibly have PMT? She's a ghost.

Mitchell:
I don't know, but it's not worth the risk.

George:
[about Annie meeting Gilbert] Are you sure this is a good idea?

Mitchell:
This is what she needs! To meet someone with the same condition. Anyway, it'll take her mind off of Owen.

George:
Fair enough. It was such a success last time you encouraged one of us to meet someone with the same condition.

Annie:
See, I realized that I never got to be a proper wife to Owen. I never got to do all those loving little things to show him how much I care about him.

George:
Like making parsley sauce?

Annie:
Not just parsley sauce. There's boiled ham as well. I'm going to put it in a casserole dish and I'm gonna take it 'round.

George:
Right. Okay. Well aside from the fact that's a mental idea on so many levels, do you think you could possibly do it another night? Only I have a friend coming over for dinner. A female friend.

Annie:
Oh, okay. So I'm contemplating resolving my death so that I can move on to the next dimension. And you're worrying about gettin' your leg-over!

Annie:
What happens? Has anyone you know ever passed over?

Gilbert:
Alright. This mate of mine, he used the haunt the VIP toilets at Leyton Orient Football Club. Singing Andrew Lloyd Weber's Variations. Famously composed because of a bet he made with his cellist brother on an end-of-season match against Hull City in 1977. Anyway, they brought in this exorcist to speed up his spirit into the afterlife.

Annie:
And did it work?

Gilbert:
One minute he's giving it "Tell Me on a Sunday", the next poof.

Annie:
Poof.

Nina:
[after sex, George hurries to get dressed] I guess we've, uh, cured your, you know, premature, um... ejaculation thing.

[a door slams]

Nina:
Oh, you're a dead man.

George:
[entering the flat] I had sex with Nina last night, and it was bloody marvelous!

Mitchell:
[storming in from the kitchen] Annie was killed by Owen.

George:
Five minutes. Could I have not just had five minutes the biggest news?

Gilbert:
I just needed to meet you. All this time, I just needed to meet you. [to Annie]

Yvonne:
Age is merely a number. And what matter lies in the heart. Sadly, the press didn't see it that way. And the headlines have been positively purple.

Adam:
Yeah. Sordid School Mistress Seduces Student.

Yvonne:
If one of my girls had been using sloppy alliteration like that in an essay, I'd be speaking to the parents.

Cutler:
You're right.

Pete:
What?

Cutler:
I know what you're saying. And you're right. Tom McNair was kicking the crap out of a vampire. Isn't that what you wanted to hear? Now the thing is, Pete, now they aren't the real problem. Now some of them are predators, sure. But most, they need normal lives, manage their condition, live anonymously. No harm done, No, the ones you want to be scared of are the werewolves.

Pete:
Shut up.

Cutler:
Hey, if you have as much evidence as you say then somewhere you'll hear a whisper about werewolves.

Pete:
Yeah... I just... I didn't believe it.

Cutler:
So. Vampires are fine. But werewolves are stretching it a bit.

Yvonne:
[At Tom] Put some clothes on, man. This isn't The Jungle Book.

Yvonne:
I believe in modern parlance, one might say we are on the run.

Annie:
Why? What have you done?

Adam:
[Points at Yvonne] Her.

Yvonne:
Adam!

Adam:
Oh, right. Sorry miss.

Yvonne:
Adam and I are in love.

Annie:
You're in love?

Adam:
Uh huh. I see you, baby. And there's nothing going on down there. What do you think of that?

Annie:
I'd rather not.

Adam:
That Brad Pitt guy. He was all over you like a rash, wasn't he? Tell 'em.

Yvonne:
He was filming in the school chapel. We were introduced and... Well, all I can say is he has a lovely trailer. Oh and surprisingly small hands.

Hal:
[about Yvonne] Is it me or is there something very strange about her?

Annie:
Besides the fact that she's completely delusional? All that stuff about "Kriss Akabusi chased me around Morrisons!". Please. You know when I was sixteen a photographer told me I was pretty enough to be in a catalog. Yeah. A catalog, Hal. You don't hear me going on about it.

Hal:
I've only been here a few weeks, you've already told me twice.

Annie:
What's it going to be? Good Cop, Bad Cop? Or I could be Good Cop suddenly turned Crazy Psycho Ghost Cop. What do you think?

Annie:
Hit me!

Annie:
What?

Hal:
Around the face.

Annie:
Why?

Hal:
Do it! [Annie slaps his face] Again! Harder! [Harder slap] Oww!

Annie:
Sorry,

Hal:
God,that hurt.

Henrietta:
Adam! Am I prettier in glasses or contacts!

Adam:
[Flatly] Ah. Your face is a poem. your voice is wine and your eyes are a symphony. And you have spectacular jubblies.

Adam:
I'm chika-chika back!

[at a meeting of the vampires, Ivan is handing round glasses of a dark, blood-red liquid]

Ivan:
Take a drink. Only, uh, alcohol tonight, I'm afraid - none of the hard stuff.

Robin:
One minute I'm standing in the wings watching The Widow Twanky belt out a chorus of La Vida Loca, the next, BANG, flat out on my back with every hair on my body standing to attention.

Annie:
Gosh, that's awful!

Robin:
It was a terrible shock.

Annie:
Yeah, I bet it was.

Robin:
No. I mean literally, it was a terrible shock. That's what killed me. Coroner said as if I'd been struck by lightning.

Mitchell:
[trying to turn vampire leadership over to Ivan but meeting reluctance] Just hear me out.

Ivan:
I'm just not ready for that kind of responsibility yet.

Mitchell:
[shouting] Ivan, you're two hundred and thirty-seven years old. When do you think you're going to be ready?

Mitchell:
[arguing with Annie over George leaving] I don't want him to go, either.

Annie:
Then don't let him!

Mitchell:
We can't keep him prisoner.

Annie:
We do have a cage.

Annie:
I like it, the three of us. It's us against the world.

George:
I don't want to be against the world anymore. It gets so tiring. I want to be part of it.

George:
Annie, I don't understand. I thought you were fine with this. Come here, you big silly bear.

Annie:
I *was* fine with "this". When I thought "this" was a notion. But now you're out viewing actual proper non-imaginary houses.

George:
You thought it was a notion?

Annie:
Yes! George, I didn't think you would seriously go through with it. I thought the moment would just pass. You know, like when you decided you were going to wear skinny jeans.

Mitchell:
Skinny jeans?

George:
That was a private conversation.

Mitchell:
Seriously?

George:
It was a moment of madness.

Annie:
You're a ghost?

Robin:
Of course I'm a ghost. Who'd you think I was?

Annie:
An usher?

Annie:
What are you looking for?

George:
The bloody phone charger.

Annie:
Oh, that's in the oven.

George:
Really? Alright. Cheers... What?

Annie:
When you said you were viewing houses I started to hide your stuff.

George:
Why?

Annie:
I thought the more of your stuff I hid then the longer it would take you to leave.

George:
Right. How much stuff are we talking about, Annie?

Annie:
[Helping Alan with a psychic reading] Alan, Jimmy has a pretty serious message for her. Um, apparently she's getting married again.

Alan Cortez:
Jimmy says you're getting married again, Orla.

Orla:
Yeah. Well that's why I'm here, really, 'cause I just wanted to check, you know, that he was all right with it.

Jimmy:
I'm not.

Annie:
Oh, he says he's not.

Alan Cortez:
Yeah, he wants you to know that he's not.

Orla:
He's what?

Alan Cortez:
He's not okay with it.

Orla:
And why the f*** would that be?

Annie:
Because apparently her new boyfriend is a massive tosser. [Jimmy whispers again] And a sponger.

Alan Cortez:
Because your new man is a massive tosser and a sponger. Allegedly.

George:
It's just I have this thing. It's planned. It's a planned thing.

Sam:
What is?

George:
Um, it's a work thing. It's about every month or so. In Liverpool. Training.

Sam:
Training? You're a hospital porter, George.

George:
Sport training.

Sam:
Sport? You?

George:
Yes me. Sports. What's so? I'm on a sports team. It's toboggan.

Sam:
Did you just say toboggan?

George:
Yep. Yes I did

Sam:
Right. So you and Mitchell, you toboggan. In Liverpool.

George:
Yep. We are tobogganists.

George:
So what are you, just flinging pottery around like a common poltergeist?

Annie:
Did you just call me a poltergeist? Mitchell- Mitchell, listen to this. This is classic, this is. Go on. Say it to Mitchell, go on. Say it again, go on.

George:
Would you just shut up for a millisecond? Mitchell, Sam and I are viewing a house today.

Annie:
Ha! What d'you make of that?

Mitchell:
He has to view houses. He's moving out.

Annie:
Right. Take his side. You two are just so... gay for each other.

Annie:
Red Robin, this is A1. Let me know when we have FO hedge clearance. Over.

Robin:
Should be about twenty minutes.

Annie:
Do it properly. Over.

Robin:
This is Red Robin. We'll have front-of-house clearance in twenty minutes approximately. Over.

Annie:
I don't think your heart's really in this, Red Robin. Over.

Robin:
Maybe because it's stupid. Over.

Annie:
How's it stupid? Over.

Robin:
Because I'm standing right next to ya. Besides it doesn't even work. They're not connected to anything.

Annie:
Well you are just determined to pick holes in this operation, aren't you?

Mitchell:
Look. You just spread the word, OK, I want everyone there.

Ivan:
Just leave it to me. I've got most of them on my Twitter feed, so...

Mitchell:
I'm an animal. I don't deserve mercy or forgiveness. I'm a murderer. I couldn't help myself. I loved it. The sensation, the power. I was dead, but I'd never felt so alive. I wasn't human any more. I lost my conscience, I was free, and that was what I was addicted to. I hacked my way through the world. I left a trail of blood, a thousand miles long. And I loved it. I'm a disease. I'm a plague. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Mitchell:
If we're exposed, there'll be huge suffering on both sides. History's shown us that.

Ivan:
No. History's shown us that the end never justifies the means. That's always the road to hell.

Mitchell:
[to a group of younger vampires] My name is John Mitchell, and I've killed more people than you've met.

George:
We've been having a house meeting.

Mitchell:
Been having a house meeting? Why wasn't I invited?

Annie:
Well, if you were ever here then we would've invited you.

Mitchell:
Hang on a minute...

George:
We decided you're not pulling your weight around this place.

Mitchell:
What's that supposed to mean?

George:
You don't buy any food, you'd never hoover... I don't even think you know what a pair of marigolds are.

Mitchell:
I don't do marigolds.

George:
Oh, and I do?

Annie:
O-okay, d-do you know what? I think that we've all just lost sight of each other a bit. We need to team build; we need to bond.

George:
But I'm not going to paintball, not again, not after last time.

Annie:
We need to talk, so... George, you start.

George:
[to Mitchell] Are you okay?

Mitchell:
I've been better. You?

George:
Likewise.

Mitchell:
We should go out one night and just get hammered.

George:
Yeah, that's a good idea.

Annie:
[obviously annoyed]... That's it? That's how you share?

George:
What more is there to say?

Mitchell:
Yeah, he's feeling a bit down, which is... pretty understandable, and I'm kinda stressed. We don't need to turn this into an episode of Oprah.

George:
Exactly. File under "Have Discussed."

Annie:
Ok, do you know what? I think that we've all just lost sight of each other a bit. We need to team build we need to bond.

George:
I'm not going paintballing, not again, not after last time.

Annie:
We need to talk, so... George you start.

George:
Are you ok.

Mitchell:
I've been better. You?

George:
Likewise.

Mitchell:
We should go out one night and just get hammered.

George:
Yeah that's a good idea.

Annie:
[obviously annoyed]... That's it? That's how you share?

George:
What more is there to say?

Mitchell:
Yeah, he's just feeling a bit down, which is pretty understandable, and I'm kinda stressed, we don't need to turn this into an episode of Oprah.

Daisy:
Some of us chose this life, but for most of us it was forced on them. And now here you are, putting restrictions on a lifestyle they didn't even want.

Mitchell:
What happened to Balfour?

Chief Constable Wilson:
Suicide?

Mitchell:
You expect me to believe that?

Chief Constable Wilson:
I expect you to be grateful that, once again, I've cleared up your sh*t! The attack in the shopping center... How did you know about those girls?

Mitchell:
How did we know what?

Chief Constable Wilson:
Kelly Bracewell, on probation for assault. Sumitra Clarke, she's got form for theft and intimidation. Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm pleased you're choosing your targets a little wiser, but do me a favor, will you, next time? Find somewhere a little less public and well lit.

Mitchell:
Hang on a second. You think we targeted them?

Chief Constable Wilson:
All I'm saying is... stick with repeat offenders and it's a win-win.

Annie:
We can turn this around.

George:
How?

Annie:
Well, she just needs a new experience so awful that she realises Hugh really is the one for her; so, your mission is to become her boyfriend but to be absolutely crap at it.

George:
Well, I can't do that.

Annie:
But of course you can. Look what a f***-up you made of your last relationship.

Lucy:
Are you asking me out in a mortuary?

Mitchell:
Well, we did meet in a toilet, so...

Catholic Priest:
[In 1665] Your teeth will be smashed from your skull, as a warning to other devils. And your head will be removed from your body... [checks the back of the scroll] No, that's it actually. Proceed!

Lucy:
Gotta say, I've never seen the condition in a hospital porter before. I suppose the bad working conditions have driven you to believe in a monotheist deity.

Mitchell:
That's what happens when you haven't got a strong trade union.

George:
Why hasn't anyone gone shopping?

Annie:
Well I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been struggling with the whole "ghost" thing the last few days. Strangely, being invisible makes purchasing Pyramid tea bags a touch awkward.

Mitchell:
You know why I'm here, Chief Constable.

Chief Constable Wilson:
I assume you're the new Herrick.

Mitchell:
Okay, so firstly, no. I'm not the new Herrick. This... I'm not even standing here. This is just... I'm a representative.

Chief Constable Wilson:
So. Represent.

Chief Constable Wilson:
You boys have access to money, don't you?

Mitchell:
Well. We made a couple of good investments in the eighteen hundreds.

Annie:
Did you know that gypsies are born with six toes and that's why they never wear flip flops?

George:
I don't think that's actually true.

George:
You've put the system back in place, haven't you?

Mitchell:
It's the only way to control them.

George:
Right. So killing's okay again now, is it?

Mitchell:
This is just the short term.

George:
And the long term?

Mitchell:
I'm gonna help them get off blood. It's the only way, George! I can do this. I can persuade them.

George:
Oh, so this is before or after you walk on water?

Mitchell:
This isn't a f***ing show!

Daisy:
Justice has to be seen to be done, Mitchell. Or what's the point? Do it properly, you'll never have to do it again.

George:
About a year ago she just turns around and tells me that I'm just too conventional for her. That I lack imagination and passion.

Hugh:
Women. They just don't appreciate solid, stable, reliable men.

Hugh:
She even hated the way I wash up. You know, just because I like to dry, all right? And put everything away, and not leave it dripping on the rack.

George:
Oh, oh! So she'd prefer lime scale on the draining board?

Hugh:
Oh, I guess it could go with the coffee rings on the table.

George:
Coasters! You just put one under the mug. It's not rocket science.

George:
You can't go interfering with people's lives like that.

Annie:
It's not interfering, it's more like regime change.

George:
Oh, 'cause that's never gone wrong.

Mitchell:
Hey George, you wanna watch The Real Hustle? [Mitchel turns on the TV]

George:
Oh I'd really like that, Mitchell. Women, you think you're such authorities, like the way you deal with emotions is the only way.

Mitchell:
It's not on.

George:
Uh yeah it is, at like 10:30.

Mitchell:
No, they've moved it.

George:
What, no, you're kidding me. No, I was looking forward to that.

Mitchell:
10:30, Thursday, that's Real Hustle time. A f***ing child knows that.

George:
Could I not just have one good thing in my life?

Mitchell:
It just drives me insane when they move stuff around.

Mitchell:
Don't I deserve it? Don't I deserve one bloody crumb of happiness?

Mitchell:
This is so... what, we're supposed to check? Every week? Like we don't have anything else to do? Is it our responsibility? I mean, why is it down to us to...

George:
I saw a preview, they were going to do a call about cash points.

Mitchell:
Really? [George nods] I would've loved that. You bastards! [Mitchell throws the remote across the living room and storms off into the kitchen while George sobs on the couch. Mitchell returns wearing a pair of Marigolds] Here, I'll do the washing up! Is everyone happy now!

Annie:
So this is the future. Really?

Eve:
For you, yeah.

Annie:
Do people have jet packs?

Eve:
No. No, mostly everyone's dead.

Hal:
We have to stop Cutler. You don't know what he's going to do.

Alex:
Yeah, I do actually. Before he killed me, he monologued the whole thing. I didn't know people actually did that.

Dominic Rook:
I suppose there's no reason to obtain secrecy any more [Takes down a file] . The truth is we've long feared the suicides have a supernatural cause. Most likely the result of a Type One.

Alex:
Great, he's blaming ghosts now. [to Hal] Ghosts are type one right?

Hal:
Em-Hum.

Alex:
Great, he's blaming ghosts now!

Alex:
[to Hatch] Oi! Wrinkle-tits! I don't care if you've got enough viagra to float the Titanic, no-one is doing any rising on my watch

Dominic Rook:
You know what I tell myself every morning? No care, all responsibility. You will best serve Her Majesty and the government if this doesn't affect you. Come in; clean up; clock off; no care. All responsibility. Remember that, and you'll have a bright future in this department.

Tom:
She makes me feel things.

Alex:
What things?

Tom:
Feelings.

Alex:
She made you feel feelings?

Tom:
Yeah.

Alex:
What a b*tch. You should stake her, anyway.

Tom:
Larry's gonna stay here a while to train me.

Hal:
Great. The more the merrier...

Tom:
[interrupting] You're not the boss of me here, Hal. I can do what I like.

Hal:
Yes, I know, I - I said it was great.

Hal:
He's been filling your head with utter nonsense! Tom, these attitudes he's encouraging - they're shallow! They're aggressive...

Tom:
Alright, alright! Maybe he's not a very nice guy! Maybe that's the truth! But you know what? I don't care. 'Cause nice guys finish last, Hal. And I'm tired of finishing last. 'Cause when you're there, and you get to the finishing line, you find that the pie's already gone, 'cause some bugger like you has already et it. [beat] The Success Pie. [beat] Which is where they keep it. At the finishing line on the top of... Success Mountain - I don't really know how it works.

Alex:
You know a ghost? Another female ghost. And what, you didn't tell me?

Hal:
Because I knew there was no point. You really wouldn't get on.

Alex:
Oh well, I think that's for me and my new best mate, Mary, to decide, don't you.

Hal:
Absolutely not. Lady Mary is a shy, fragile creature, with an innocence I am determined to protect.

Alex:
What, you think I would corrupt her?

Hal:
I think you'd corrupt Keith Richards.

Lady Mary:
I am curious. Lord Harry... has he...?

Alex:
Oh, yeah, yeah. He's gone.

Lady Mary:
Oh, thank f*** for that. God, it's just such hard work keeping it up, you know? All that thee and thou bollocks. It gets on my tits.

Alex:
Not going to lie, that could have gone better.

Hal:
Two hundred and fifty years I've been visiting her. Five minutes with you and she's threatening to castrate people and accusing me of onanism.

John Mitchell:
I've got this friend. He says the human condition, the human nature, 'being human' - is to be cold and alone. Like someone lost in the woods. It's safe to say he's a 'glass-is-half-empty' kind of guy. And I see nature differently. I see the ancient machinery of the world. Elegant and ferocious, neither good nor bad, it's full of beautiful things, unspeakable things. The trick is to keep them hidden - until the right moment.

John Mitchell:
Nice blouse. Where did you leave your clothes?

George Sands:
I don't know. I don't know where we are. I had to get the operator to tell me where I was calling from.

George Sands:
Why now?

John Mitchell:
I don't know. When in Rome, stop killing the other Romans?

John Mitchell:
This is the curse, George, not what happens to you every full moon - this!

George Sands:
So, a house or a flat?

John Mitchell:
Whatever we can afford.

George Sands:
And if we need to move on again?

John Mitchell:
We move on.

George Sands:
We share the cleaning.

John Mitchell:
We can draw up a roster, I'll buy highlighter pens and everything.

George Sands:
What about guests?

John Mitchell:
We can't ask them to clean.

George Sands:
No. What if one of us wants to have a guest?

John Mitchell:
In your last house you clearly had a level of security that I'm not used to. You want a guest. You have a guest. Wait a second, are you talking about a lady shaped guest?

John Mitchell:
I'm not having you turn my nice house into the Playboy mansion.

John Mitchell:
Just so you know, people have said it's creepy here.

George Sands:
It bloody will be now.

George Sands:
This is ridiculous. What could be scarier than one of us?

John Mitchell:
A bigger one of us.

Annie:
Uh, you don't have to keep going on about it, me being a ghost, it's a bit rude. If someones fat and you're like 'you're fat'.

George Sands:
Oh, I'm sorry maybe I'm just a bit tetchy, because you just tried to scare me out of my house.

John Mitchell:
You could say we're all from different parts of the same country.

John Mitchell:
How did you die Annie?

Annie:
Quickly.

John Mitchell:
Trust me George, there are worse things than death.

George Sands:
She gets the box room.

John Mitchell:
Don't discourage her. With any luck she'll start cooking soon too.

Annie:
Hiya.

John Mitchell:
Have you been sitting there long?

Annie:
Define long.

John Mitchell:
An hour?

Annie:
Then yeah.

Julia:
Are you one of him too?

Annie:
No, I'm something else.

Julia:
What?

Annie:
A ghost.

Julia:
A ghost?

Annie:
I'm not a fan of the word.

Julia:
I thought you were gay.

George Sands:
That would have been easier.

Julia:
Struggling to think of something that wouldn't.

John Mitchell:
So, you've just arrived at Hogwarts, which house do they put you in?

George Sands:
I'd like to say Gryffindor, but they're supposed to be brave. What's the other one? Ravenclaw, does that have a characteristic?

John Mitchell:
I think they're brainy. You could be in Ravenclaw.

Annie:
I quite fancy Hufflepuff actually. I've always thought in Hufflepuff they just spend the day making stuff with safety scissors and glitter.

George Sands:
What about you?

John Mitchell:
I think that they'd say. It's probably best if you just stay in the canteen for the next five years.

Annie:
Does anyone ever 'choose' Slytherin?

George Sands:
No, because that would be like saying 'I'm a sociopath.'

George Sands:
Okay, you win ten million pounds; what do you do?

Annie:
Buy Colin Firth.

George Sands:
The worst thing, the very worst thing, is that it feels so good. A week before I need glasses to watch the news, Mitchell has to open jars for me. Then suddenly everything starts to work. All my senses expand and there's this part of me that can't wait, that's turned on and hungry. The neck's amazing isn't it? This tangle of artery and muscle and sinew. Did you know there are two jugular veins? An internal one and an external one. I've met people what have tasted them. And they said the windpipe came away with a sigh of air from the lungs that was still warm. As they described it they had this look, like everything they do in between is just sleepwalking and it's only for those few moments that they are totally and truly alive. And there's part of me that would give anything to feel like they did, to taste what they taste. And that's the worst thing.

Annie:
You've seen them too, haven't you? The corridor with the men at the end with sticks and rope.

George Sands:
You look weird.

John Mitchell:
This from a man in cullottes.

John Mitchell:
You'd be better in a fight, you're stocky.

George Sands:
I'm not stocky.

John Mitchell:
Look at you, you're like... you know in a cartoon when a safe falls on someone...?

Annie:
But normal people can't see me.

George Sands:
We are perfectly normal, thank you.

Annie:
Er, sorry but by normal I meant: doesn't turn into the Littlest Hobo once a month.

John Mitchell:
She's a ghost.

Annie:
And your point being?

Annie:
I quite fancy Hufflepuff, actually. I've always thought, in Hufflepuff they always spend the day making stuff with safety scissors and glitter.

Annie:
Ah well, you shouldn't be eating bacon anyway, should you - you're Jewish.

George Sands:
Yeah, I gave up on the whole orthodoxy thing when I started turning into a wolf.

Annie:
Do they have rules about being a werewolf as well?

George Sands:
I think you'd be hard pressed to find a religion that doesn't frown on it.

John Mitchell:
What about the Moonies?

Annie:
Seems like with George and Mitchell I have been feeling like... Before them I was all alone, like drowning. But now just being recognised by someone, being liked and known. Looks like that's what makes you real.

Owen:
What was it?

George Sands:
What? Oh... em... It was... It was a pigeon.

Owen:
A pigeon?

George Sands:
Must have left a window open.

Owen:
Well, how you got rid of it?

George Sands:
I killed it.

Mitchell:
You... You killed it?

George Sands:
Yeah. With a shoe.

Hal:
I was hoping you might be able to help me. Leo's role in my rehabilitation was essential, and with him gone I have no one to set the tasks I need to keep me safe. So I was wondering if... perhaps... you could pick up where he left off.

Tom:
You want me to, what, be like your new Leo?

Hal:
Well no one could ever replace Leo. But perhaps you could perform a similar role.

Tom:
I think I'd be honored, mate.

Hal:
I think he would be too.

Tom:
The toilets could do with a clean.

Hal:
But don't take the piss.

Hal:
[Watching Allison] That is the weirdest run.

Tom:
[Watching the YouTube video of his werewolf transformation] It was a trap by the vampires. We didn't know they were filming.

Allison:
It's had over a million hits.

Tom:
[Reading the comments] "FX Fail".

Allison:
As in, special effects. Thankfully most people think it's a fake.

Hal:
[More comments] "Hairy balls, LOL"?

Allison:
Well this was just the start. You know we trended last full moon. [they look confused] On Twitter. There's a Facebook group trying to hunt us down.

Tom:
Facebook?

Allison:
Don't tell me you're still on MySpace.

Hal:
We're more Ceefax people.

Allison:
[about staking vampires] Tom, that's murder.

Tom:
Like my dad used to say, you can't already kill what's dead.

Allison:
We are not staking anyone. If you have to resort to violence you've already lost the argument.

Tom:
You don't know what these people are like.

Allison:
And you don't know what my debating skills are like.

Annie:
Look, I know this is a lot to take in, but I'm going to help you get through this.

Emrys:
Too bloody right you are. It's all your fault.

Annie:
Yes I know, and I am really really really sorry about that.

Allison:
How many vampires have you slain?

Tom:
Oh, um. Three or four... dozen.

Allison:
[to Cutler] And you're condoning this?

Cutler:
Well you can't exactly go to Ofcom.

Tom:
It's probably best not to mention the whole killing thing to Annie.

Allison:
Say no more. First rule of Chess Club.

Annie:
Look it's fine. I'm all over this. We just need to figure out his unfinished business and then move him on.

Tom:
And you think that's haunting our bathroom?

Annie:
No, Tom. Of course it's not haunting our bathroom. Unfinished business is something good and something righteous.

Emrys:
Who says?

Hal:
I knew a ghost whose unfinished business was to castrate her brother-in-law. Something to do with inappropriate Salsa dancing. So it could be anything really.

Emrys:
See.

Tom:
Hal, I found these matches and some of them are the wrong way 'round.

Tom:
[Excitedly takes the matches] We'll soon see about that!

Tom:
[to Allison] It calms him down. I knew he'd get like this.

Kane:
[Trying to think of last words] Something about... heartburn? Heart... break? No, that doesn't work, does it? Sh*t! [dies]

Kane:
Sh*t happens. Life's a contact sport. If you can't stand the heat, stay inside on bonfire night.

Cutler:
What?

Golda:
He likes action films, don't ask.

Allison:
If people find out about the existence of vampires, werewolves and ghosts, there'll be riots. There'll be lynchings. It'll be like the tuition riots all over again.

Cutler:
Look, there's no room at the inn. Kindly sod off.

Golda:
The last time someone spoke to me like that, I used their skin as a filofax cover. God I miss the eighties!

Hal:
So you're officially courting now.

Tom:
Well, I don't know. It's fun training her and that. But we haven't even held hands yet.

Hal:
Then it is time to declare your intentions. First write her a poem and then speak to her father.

Tom:
Annie said I should just get drunk and then try and snog her.

Hal:
It's all so brutish these days! I preferred the dowry system.

Annie:
That's what happens, Tom. Killing changes you. Look where I ended up.

Emrys:
Hacking down seniors in the twilight of their lives.

[a dead body has been brought into the hospital and Lucy is certifying death. She notices puncture wounds on the neck]

Lucy:
So, puncture marks in the neck, body exsanguinated - dr-drained of blood. Now, what could that be? Ladies and gentlemen, somewhere in Bristol is a gay vampire.

Nurse:
Count Spectacular.

Lucy:
Mince of Darkness.

Policeman:
I bet he'd like to see MY full moon.

Lucy:
Buy me a drink.

Mitchell:
What?

Lucy:
A drink drink. Tuesday or Wednesday are good for me.

Mitchell:
Okay. D'am... L-let me, uh... Let me have a look at my shifts.

Lucy:
Yeah, you do that, and if you see the guy I declared dead walking around... kill him!

Ivan:
And as soon as they knew about vampires, they'd know about werewolves, they'd know about ghosts. They'd be next. And when humanity had finally finished with us, it would turn on itself. First the other religions, massively in the minority now. Then the homosexuals, the disabled... Do you want to know what the future looks like? Enforced worship in churches a mile high, and every country surrounded by a coral reef of bones. Well, f*** it, maybe it should happen. There's nothing on TV at the moment.

Carl:
Thank you for helping me.

George:
To be honest, I'm only doing this because Mitchell asked me to. I don't think you should get away.

Carl:
That makes two of us.

Mitchell:
Oh, my God, I've become my flatmate.

Sir Terry Wogan:
Look, I'm saying tell her about the accident.

Saul:
The accident?

Sir Terry Wogan:
And all the interesting things you saw. It'll make you seem spiritual... and vulnerable. Oh, the ladies go potty for that.

George:
Sorry. D'you live with someone before me?

Mitchell:
What? Yeah, lots of people.

George:
But... Look... WHO?

Mitchell:
Vampires. People-people. I don't know.

George:
People! Oh, I see.

Mitchell:
Oh, God, don't get all... YOU!

George:
What?

Mitchell:
Don't get all YOU about this. Oh, course I've lived with other people. Do you think I've spent the last hundred years waiting for you and your three different types of upholstery cleaner to show up?

Kemp:
Beasts should be put in cages. Infections should be cauterized.

George:
You are being careful, aren't you?

Annie:
Thanks, but I think I'm a bit old and dead for the contraception conversation.

Quinn:
For ten years I've been abetting the slaughter of fathers and mothers and daughters and sons. Herrick said your kind were a facet of nature, like a tiger or an earthquake. You're not. You're just murderers.

Newsreader:
Okay, here's the thing: Annie's dead.

Saul:
W-what?

Newsreader:
Well, it's complicated. She's in limbo. She should be here with us, but she's turned death down and it's pissed off some very important people, and they want her back.

Hugh:
All my life I've been the consolation prize, and I can't do that anymore.

Mitchell:
Fifty years and still the same car.

Ivan:
Been keeping her in storage. You know what it's like. If it goes, has a good body, and you like being inside it, why get rid of it? It's a recipe for a happy marriage, too.

Mitchell:
Someone's been sick in the shop. Some days it's all about the poo, but today everyone's... bein'... sick.

George:
The feast before you now has been specifically designed to combine the best bits of those two iconic meals - Eggs Benedict, choc-ice, can of ginger beer, cigarettes.

Nina:
Breakfast of champions.

George:
Which isn't to say I approve of your smoking. I've just given up the fight on that one.

Nina:
Besides, you've done more to shorten my life expectancy than these ever could.

George:
I promised Annie I'd visit. I hope you don't mind.

Hugh:
Oh, not at all. Two customers, we'll be talking about this for years.

Mitchell:
George around?

Nina:
Upstairs. Probably making me a mix tape.

Mitchell:
I cam imagine how hard this must be. But the stuff we can teach you, me and George.

Nina:
Like sit... and fetch? Thank you, but I'm fine. Really.

Lucy:
So, Gay Vampire Man.

Mitchell:
Are you actually calling him that?

Lucy:
It's shorthand. We use it all the time. Like Creepy Self-Harm Girl, or Accidentally Sat on a Wine Bottle Man, so... Gay Vampire Man.

Ivan:
Some say you drugged him first. Others say you begged for a place in the New World and when Herrick refused you killed him. I've even heard that he escaped and he's building an army in Europe. What really happened? I'm curious.

George:
He came in, I changed. I tore his head off.

Ivan:
Look, I know you screwed Daisy. What did you tell her? What did you say that made her feel again?

George:
It was complicated. Um, she was going to kill her daughter. And I convinced her not to.

Ivan:
Hm. I wanted it to be something I could understand.

Mitchell:
You did what?

Annie:
Sort of... disappeared.

Mitchell:
Right. But that's okay, because by disappeared you mean "got away."

Annie:
[Deftly changing the subject] Oh Mitchell, have you been working out?

Mitchell:
Oh, that's just fantastic!

Annie:
He was all over me! It was a reflex.

Annie:
Would you like a cup of tea?

Hugh:
Oh, please.

Annie:
Take your pick. [Gestures to several cups]

Hugh:
You expecting people or... ?

Annie:
Oh! No, I just like to make tea.

Nina:
You let him out. The dead man. From the morgue.

George:
We put him on a container ship to Brazil.

Nina:
Of course you have, anything else would be insane.

Annie:
Are you sure about Hugh?

George:
I know that look. I've given people that look. Usually while they're giving that look to someone taller.

Mitchell:
I thought we were clear, the pathologist does what he can but if it gets bumped up, you kill it.

Quinn:
It doesn't get bumped up. Herrick keeps things away from my desk.

Mitchell:
Herrick's gone. I'm handling this.

Quinn:
What happened to him?

Mitchell:
Politics.

Patsy:
Now I know we've all been down in the dumps lately what with things getting a bit... suicide-y. But one of the guests has given me the perfect idea to perk us up. As of today, I'm going to be watching you all like a hawk, and whoever impresses me most... [She trails off as she sees Hal]

Hal:
You do realize you've stopped speaking.

Hal:
Will be named employee of the month!

Alex:
How do you know my name?

Oliver:
Because I've been watching you.

Alex:
All right good. 'Cos I thought it'd be something creepy.

Oliver:
And hiding outside are Hal and Tom. The vampire and the werewolf. [They come in] Hello!

Alex:
And you are?

Oliver:
Oliver Fitzwilliam Pryor, at your service.

Alex:
And what are you doing here?

Oliver:
Playing soldiers, you great ninny.

Hal:
Who's the hell is that?

Alex:
I don't know.

Tom:
What's he doing here?

Alex:
I don't know!

Hal:
Well, what does he want?

Alex:
I don't know! But maybe if you keep asking me I'll magically find out.

Tom:
You know when I transform, I should drag you around on a piece of string in the woods. [pause] I'm saying you're a chicken.

Hal:
Thank you. I got the analogy.

Alex:
I think the house is haunted.

Hal:
Alex, there's no easy way to say this.

Alex:
No, not me, idiot. There's another one, you have to come home.

Tom:
[to Oliver] We don't want you getting poorly now, do we?

Alex:
He's been dead for a hundred years. How much more poorly can he get? [he coughs] No, that is a classic "I want the day off school" cough. I've heard it a thousand times.

Oliver:
Thank you all. You've been so very kind. And if I don't make it, please... don't forget me.

Alex:
You know Decky used to look up symptoms online all the time except he could never be bothered looking up the diagnosis. [Hal and Tom quietly leave] There was this one time he said he couldn't go to school because he'd just started the menopause. Oh you two are so getting a slap.

Alex:
So what do you want to do then? Play some football? Climb some trees?

Oliver:
What kind of low-born ruffian do you take me for?

Alex:
TV it is.

Alex:
What's all this in aid of?

Alex:
Don't you like a party? Who doesn't like a party? Everybody likes a party. It's the f***ing law.

Tom:
Imagine having "Employee of the Month" written on your CV. Imagine having a CV.

Hal:
You can have a CV. I'll type you up a CV as soon as I'm done disinfecting the keyboard.

Patsy:
This whole experience has been incredibly stressful so if you wanted to, to give me a back rub that would be fine.

Hal:
Now you listen to me, if you want this place to be a success then Tom McNair is exactly the employee you need. The problem with you, Patsy, is that you are an inveterate snob. You'd rather reward someone who is well-spoken and disinterested than someone who is a little rough around the edges but utterly committed. Now that is not an environment I wish to work in, so if he goes I go.

Tom:
[Cut to them leaving] Well that was stupid. Now none of us have got a job.

Hal:
I think the phrase you're looking for is "Thank you."

Alex:
Time to say goodbye.

Hal:
Of course. I mean, it's what we expected.

Alex:
Not to you, you idiot. To them. To this. They've started rebuilding their world. As the distance gets greater and greater they're just going to get stronger and stronger. To watch that happen would be like slowly dying again. I've got to move on as much as they do. Come on. Let's, let's go home.

Tom:
There's nothing you wouldn't do to beat me, is there? Well it doesn't matter how far you are up Patsy's bum, I'm going to win this competition.

Hal:
If only you could. I've been trying to throw the bloody thing all day, but no matter how sh*t I try to be, you find a way of being shitter.

Dominic Rook:
We don't really do badges. I mean it's undercover work and a badge would rather give the game away.

Ian Crumb:
That makes total sense! You're smart. You're very smart.

Dominic Rook:
Instead. You get this pen. This very special pen. [Hands him a pen]

Ian Crumb:
[Excited] Oh, does it shoot poison gas? Or pellets? or poison gas pellets?

Ian Crumb:
No. It's essentially a pen.

Tom:
What's that you're doing?

Hal:
I'm disinfecting the keyboard with pure alcohol and a cotton ball.

Tom:
I'd never think of doing that. I'm never gonna win this competition, am I?

Hal:
This isn't part of the competition. Doesn't everyone do this?

Tom:
Everyone deserves to have a fuss made of them when they're little.

Alex:
Okay, then. Okay, well, then, it's agreed. Tonight we're going to party like it's 1899. Ye ha! You're not yay-ing, Hal.

Hal:
[Pained] Yay.

Hal:
I used to ride a horse once. I had a sword... I was respected. better than that, I was feared. i... Peasants had their backs flayed for looking at me funny. It was brutal but it worked. We had order, we had respect and now we have this?

Tom:
Okay then mate let's go in the back and have a bit of a chat now shall we, come on.

Hal:
And I had a shield. A red one!

Annie:
What will you do now?

Regus:
Keep moving. See the world. Try not to end up in a hoover bag.

Annie:
What happened to your face?

Regus:
My lunch fought back. I'd rather not talk about it. But who takes a crowbar with them when they walk the dog? Who does? It's just weird.

Annie:
[Frustrated with Tom and Hal ignoring her] Annie! How was your day? Oh, thank you. Thank you for asking, because it was a bit weird. I got stalked by a vampire in the park and then I pushed my sex memories into another vampire's sad little vampire brain. Ooh, that is weird Annie. Yes, I know. Thank you for asking.

Tom:
Is there something you'd like to tell us, Annie?

Hal:
[His first day working at the restaurant] Kill me. Seriously, kill me now. You can tell Annie I attacked you, or something.

Tom:
Maybe later, if you work really hard.

Hal:
I cannot sleep in a barn, or a tent, or a caravan, or anywhere without central heating, carpets and Radio 4. Now, that should be on my list, really it should. You make me do that, I won't be responsible for my actions.

Annie:
Why would you want to save her?

Regus:
You really want an answer to this right now?

Annie:
Before I bring the baby into the weird vampire's house? Yes.

Regus:
Right. For four hundred years I've been collecting and cataloging vampire myths and legends. Four hundred years. In dark rooms, libraries and cellars. Pouring over manuscripts, scrolls, books covered in mildew. Because you can't Google this stuff, you know. [Starting to freak out] I've got asthma. Actual asthma. Vampires don't get asthma. And no one wanted to know about my work. They just laughed and ate another virgin. So that has to be worth something. If it's not true-if that baby doesn't mean the end of the vampires-then what have I been doing for all those years? It will have meant nothing!

Tom:
Those ladies on the cover, showing everything to everyone. No one will want to court them.

Hal:
Sorry, "court" them?

Tom:
You know what I mean.

Hal:
Only because I was around during the coronation.

Regus:
The Nemesis has a burnt arm.

Annie:
What, and that's it?

Regus:
What do you want, an email address? Look, if you see a scary man with a burnt arm run away!

Hal:
That's a really nice look you've got going on there.

Michaela:
[Offended] Nice?

Hal:
Sorry. This is one of those things where negative is positive, isn't it? Hang on. I know this one. That's really bad.

Michaela:
Get you, Vanilla Ice.

Tom:
I like your tights. You look like a bee and I like bees.

Michaela:
Are you coming on to me?

Tom:
I don't know. Is that like chatting up?

Tom:
I can't believe I binned my big stake for you.

Hal:
A stake. You binned *a* stake, Tom.

Tom:
Were you just going to hand me over?

Hal:
Not exactly hand you over. More just step aside. But I've changed my mind.

Tom:
How do I know that?

Hal:
I don't know, maybe because we are whispering in the dark behind a counter.

Hal:
All we're doing is marking time until the inevitable.

Alex:
Kind of like life, then?

Alex:
Ian is fascinating. We've already covered loads of topics.

Ian Crumb:
My favourite eleven cheeses!

Bobby:
Mr Rook always says that I'm a savage and deadly predator that society should be protected from. He must be right, he drives a Lexus.

Hal:
I'm not a part of this little project now, which gives me clarity that I didn't have before. Annie, George, Mitchell, Nina, the two of you. None of you realised. None of us realised, it's the desire to be human is the end, not the beginning. To want it, is to have it. You're not wasting your time Tom, you've already won.

Molly:
Do you like cats?

George:
Yeah. I couldn't eat a whole one, though.

[pause]

George:
[to himself] Who am I kidding? Of course I could!

[a dead girl, her bed and a nearly naked Mitchell are all covered in blood smears]

Herrick:
Oh, can't leave the place looking like this.

Mitchell:
Don't we have people to take care of this kind of thing, no?

Herrick:
Yeah, back in Bristol, sure.

Mitchell:
What? There's no vampires in London?

Herrick:
Yeah, but their head guy and I, we don't, um... I sort of killed his mum.

Policeman:
[bursting into Mitchell's bedroom to arrest him] YOU! GET UP!

Mitchell:
It's the library books, isn't it?

Annie:
[seeing Mitchell arrested] What's he done?

George:
How far back do you want to go?

Chief Constable Wilson:
Douglas Drakefield, arrested in 2005 for flashing, but he's got a good lawyer, so no conviction. Kiddie porn on the hard drive, April 2006. Again, no conviction. November 2006, assault on a minor. He gets two years, serves eighteen months. And then this afternoon we find him parked outside a primary school with a length of rope in the boot of his car.

Mitchell:
And this involves me how, exactly?

Chief Constable Wilson:
Well, it's time for affirmative action. I want this animal sent kicking and screaming to Hell, and you're the man to do it; so, get in there, vamp up, vamp out - whatever it is you do - and rip this f***er to shreds.

George:
Hey, are you okay?

Mitchell:
Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?

George:
Uh, well, I don't know. Maybe the storm troopers dragging you out of bed in the middle of the night.

Campbell:
I've been dreaming about my ex. I tried to recruit her, but no one had shown me how, so she... she just died.

Kemp:
An interesting mating ritual, as seen throughout the animal kingdom: The male flaps and fusses, seeking attention; the female refuses until, eventually, the male flaps hard enough and the female succumbs.

Lucy:
This one doesn't end in mating.

Kemp:
I think you underestimate the allure of the Devil.

Mitchell:
Why couldn't I have taken a mute hostage?

George:
What is THAT?

Annie:
A baby. It's one of mine.

George:
How long have I been gone?

George:
[ticking off his old to-do list] A job, a wife, and a house full of children.

Annie:
Well, you can still have all that, can't you?

George:
Other people get to do that. We're not other people any more.

Mitchell:
George, you may want a normal family life, but whether you like it or not, you're never gonna be a normal family man. You need someone who gets you. The real you.

George:
Oh, and Lucy gets you, does she? She accepts you for what you are?

Mitchell:
Maybe some day I'll tell her the truth.

George:
Then you're an idiot. Relationships have secrets. No one can know every square inch of somebody else's soul, but it doesn't mean they're doomed to fail.

Mitchell:
No, you're wrong. I had someone like that. Someone who knew everything about me.

George:
Yes, but that was forty years ago.

Mitchell:
You have to feed the monster. It's like keeping a ball in the air. If it drops... You have to feed it because otherwise this panic creeps in, and it's not withdrawal. It's... it's terror. You start seeing their faces again. You think you've forgotten them but they come back - the smell of their hair, the taste on their lips, the last thing they said. The only way to stop is to kill again. You see, it's not an addiction. It's cowardice. It's not being able to face the alternative.

George:
New George makes decisions. You know, speaks his mind, grabs life by the nuts, blurts things out...

Annie:
Well, I haven't noticed much blurting yet, New George.

George:
[chuckles] Yeah, you're right. I'm doing it again.

Herrick:
I'm gonna tell you a secret, but I think you already know it. Becoming a vampire doesn't change your personality. That's just a... just a little lie we tell the newcomers to help them through their first few kills. "Oh, what's happening to me?" Munch munch. Heh. It doesn't change the personality. It liberates it. A vampire is the only truly free man. All his darkness, all his excesses, they can run amok. He wants a girl, take twenty. He wants a boy, go ahead. Just give the place a bit of a hose-down after. The world is his.

Chief Constable Wilson:
You're like a dog that's been switched to a diet of dried food. You're losing all your shine. You see, there is a natural order to all things, and you're upsetting it. We've barely started. I've got dozens of names and you've got dozens of soldiers, and eventually someone will fall, and then another, and then another, and then we'll be back to our beautiful bloody chaos. This abstinence, this sudden morality - that's not who you are.

Mitchell:
All right.

Chief Constable Wilson:
Good lad. Now, go back and put that animal to sleep.

George:
Did you steal this baby out of a supermarket trolly?

Mitchell:
I told you, I'm not a killer. None of us are killers now.

Chief Constable Wilson:
Sure you are. You're just goin' through a rough patch, that's all. You'll come good again.

George:
However crap a prospect you think you may be, I am far, far crapper.

Mitchell:
Is there another way out of here?

Josie:
You mean like a secret tunnel that connects to the sewage system?

Mitchell:
Yeah.

Josie:
No.

Mitchell:
Are you gonna cause me a problem?

Josie:
That depends. Are you gonna hurt me?

Mitchell:
Right now I'd say it's about fifty-fifty.

Mitchell:
So how many people have you killed?

Josie:
Dunno. It's hard to say. More than a hundred, less than a thousand.

George:
You need to move, I need to move. Give me one valid reason why we shouldn't do it.

Sam:
Money.

George:
Two. Give me two valid reasons.

Sam:
We hardly know each other.

George:
No? Okay. My mother's maiden name is Harriet. My internet password is password1. I'm indifferent about all competitive sports. And I prefer lager to beer. I don't understand fishing-What is fishing?-I'm scared of cancer. I voice a bit of a critical objection to drive thru takeaways. And I lost my virginity on a canal boat in Tring.

Sam:
Favorite color?

George:
That would be gamboge. It's kind of orangey-brown.

Alex:
Look on the bright side. Now you get to do a new rota.

Hal:
Ten minutes is all I ask... supervised, of course. Just so I can do a quick run round with the Hoover and sort out the recycling. Please! This is torture.

Alex:
If we wanted to torture you we would show you a picture of the bathroom.

Hal:
This isn't about rehabilitation anymore, this is vindictive.

Tom:
You stay in the chair until you're over the blood lust.

Hal:
I don't mean the chair. I implore you. Put a screen in front of me, give me a blindfold. No one should have to look at this. [Looks at the mess the house has become]

Tom:
What do you reckon, is he safe?

Alex:
Well a few days ago he stopped shouting abuse and started correcting my grammar again, so... I guess that's got to be a good sign.

Alex:
You of all people don't get to dictate what we tell my dad and brothers.

Hal:
What does that mean? Me of all people?

Alex:
I'm not letting a good man die of grief just to protect the f***ing Twilight franchise.

Hal:
We can discuss it later.

Alex:
You can discuss it later. With yourself.

Hal:
That doesn't even make sense!

Hal:
[about the sign] People on board a ship that's capsizing don't use that many exclamation marks.

Mr. Rook:
Incidentally we're been monitoring this place. Thirty-seven people have committed suicide here in as many years. As far as we can tell it's not werewolf- or vampire-related. But, if you get the job, keep an eye out. Perhaps it's the decor.

Lady Catherine:
If this is a trick I shall plunge this into your calcified heart.

Hal:
And you wonder why you're single.

Hal:
Lady Catherine, head of the werewolves. Emil Parsons, dead wizard.

Emil:
Necromancer. I was master of the black arts. Sorcerer supreme. Gatekeeper to the forbidden world.

Lady Catherine:
How did you die?

Emil:
I had to be silenced. I knew too much.

Hal:
He fell out of a tree trying to see into his sister-in-law's bathroom.

Tom:
What are you lot doing down here?

Alex:
Hal's building a sauna.

Tom:
A sauna? Here? That's ridiculous.

Hal:
Excuse me, weren't you planning on putting a swimming pool in the garden?

Tom:
I said that cos we'd only just met. And you know as well as I do I was really making a bomb.

Hal:
Fine. I'm making a bomb.

Tom:
Thank you. It's the lying that hurts.

Hal:
My name is Hal. It's Ian, isn't it? I'm sorry, I looked through your wallet. Ian...?

Crumb:
Cram. Like the runner.

Hal:
What runner?

Crumb:
Steve Cram. He was awarded an MBE in 1986.

Hal:
I did not know that.

Hal:
But he's a predator! He's only been a vampire for about seventeen hours.

Alex:
How was I supposed to know?

Hal:
I should have left a clue. Like, I don't know, locking him in a cellar and tying him to a f***ing radiator!

Alex:
Can you please stop treating me like I'm made of glass or cobwebs or something. All right, I'm dead. My health and wellbeing has pretty much bottomed out.

Tom:
So what am I supposed to do?

Alex:
Just treat me like an equal. Treat me like a bloke.

Tom:
But you're a lady. And my dad taught me how to treat ladies. Always be polite and courteous, if a lady came in the room, stood up and take off any hats, and if it was a vampire, you staked 'em.

Alex:
And I'm sure that growing up in the paramilitary wing of the Amish had many pluses, but I find it patronizing.

Hal:
This is my home. I brought you here last night.

Crumb:
Oh god! Have you bummed me?

Hal:
I haven't bummed you.

Crumb:
You're going to bum me now!

Hal:
I have no intention of bumming you!

Crumb:
I feel weird. Have you drugged me? I'm allergic to aspirin. If you've given me aspirin then it's actually murder.

Martin:
Your position's up for review. I'm shaking up the whole floor. Separating the wheat from the boys. Bringing new blood in like... well I don't know. Gavin.

Crumb:
What, your nephew Gavin?

Martin:
Is he my nephew? Well, he's a smart lad.

Crumb:
In my Christmas quiz he said alopecia was a mountain!

Martin:
So he doesn't know much about plants. Big deal.

Tom:
I've always wanted to work in a hotel. Ever since me and dad snuck into the Bristol Hilton was I was 14. We were hunting a vampire called Radley.

Hal:
Radley? I know Radley. Big ginger fellow.

Tom:
Yeah.

Hal:
How was he?

Tom:
Yeah good, until we killed him, obviously.

Lady Catherine:
If this is a trick, I shall plunge this [stake] into your calcified heart.

Hal:
And you wonder why you're single.

Hal:
Unfinished business tends to be more life-affirming than beating someone up.

Alex:
Not if you're Scottish.

Cutler:
Welcome to Britain, Mr. Snow. The revolution is being televised. [He turns on bad candid camera clips] .

Mr. Snow:
Judging by this we'd be doing them a favor. Am I missing something? Is he giving me a television set?

Cutler:
[Flicking through TV channels] I don't understand, someone must have reported it.

Mr. Snow:
Because I already have a television the size of a bed sheet.

Alex:
Do vampires die if you blow them up?

Hal:
Most things die if you blow them up. Sadly, we can't. What with us not living in a cartoon!

Tom:
Well actually, Mr. Bloody Radio Four, we can. And I'll show you how. My team, with me.

Tom:
What are you doing, hanging around with a load of vampires?

Milo:
Because there's nothing noble about being on the side that loses.

Tom:
I bet you support Manchester United as well, don't you?

Milo:
You know, they're an incredibly skilful team...

Hal:
That's all that junk you've been gathering.

Tom:
Well, you didn't really think I was building a swimming pool in the back garden, didja?

Hal:
How long have you been planning this?

Tom:
Not really been planning anything. Just picked up off of McNair. "Always be kind and polite and have the materials to build a bomb."

George:
What's going on?

Mitchell:
Tully's leaving.

George:
What? Why?

Tully:
I wish I could tell you, mate.

Mitchell:
OK, I know it was my suggestion but it was only gonna be for a day or so and instead it's been weeks, so I think now's the time...

Annie:
He's creepy. And he frightened me.

Mitchell:
Yeah. I-I was building to that.

George:
Creepy? You're dead.

Mitchell:
Look. He stinks out the bathroom, he eats all the food.

George:
Oh, that's nice. That's generosity.

Mitchell:
He's upset Annie, he's pissing off the neighbours, he's... He's a twat!

George:
Well, he's *my* twat!

Mitchell:
I expect that sounded better in your head.

Annie:
Maybe he's had a blow to the head.

George:
I'm sorry?

Annie:
Happened to my Nan. She got hit in the head by a radio-controlled plane at a county fair. From that moment - obsessed with pygmy goats.

George:
There wasn't a single bit of that sentence I understood.

George:
My name is George and I'm a werewolf.

Mitchell:
Hello, George.

[first lines]

Mitchell:
[V.O. over George's transformation] He should be dead within 30 seconds. The werewolf heart is about two-thirds the size of a human's; but, in order to shrink, first, it has to stop. In other words, he has a heart attack. All the internal organs are smaller; so, while he's having his heart attack, he's having a liver and kidney failure too, and if he stops screaming, it's not because the pain has dulled: his throat, gullet, and vocal chords are tearing and reforming. He literally can't make a sound. By now, the pituitary gland should be working overtime, flooding his body with endorphins to ease some of the pain, but that, too, has shut down. Anyone else would have died of shock long ago, but it won't let him. And THAT'S the thing I find most remarkable: it drags him through fire and keeps him alive and even conscious to endure every second. Nothing like this could just evolve; this is the fingerprint of God, an impossible, lethal curse, spread by tooth and claw. Victim begets victim begets victim. It's so cruel, it's... perfect.

Mitchell:
We can't just dip our toe. We need to dive into the churn of humanity.

George:
He doesn't understand. These people are British. You're not allowed to talk to your neighbors until you've nodded at them for fifteen years.

George:
You are not meeting my friends.

Tully:
I am house-trained, you know.

Mitchell:
Where're you sleeping tonight?

Tully:
In the arms of Mother Nature, as always.

George:
Is just saying "outside" really that hard?

Lauren:
[being choked] Mitchell! Jesus! I can't breathe. You're killing me. Oh, no, wait. You already did that.

George:
This isn't a gift. It's God stamping on us with his boot.

Mitchell:
What's more suspicious-three shadowy, secretive people who never come out, never talk to anyone. Or three friendly, welcoming guys. Always nice and chatty. Their door's always open.

George:
I don't mean just risky for us.

Mitchell:
We should hide in plain sight. Stop being ashamed. Invite the world in.

Mitchell:
What are you doing here? Herrick's already cut me off from the rest of the vampires. If he thinks sending you here...

Lauren:
Why does this have to be about Herrick? What is it with you two? You're obsessed with each other. It's totally gay.

Mitchell:
So Carol from number twelve is gonna lend us Casablanca.

George:
Why?

Mitchell:
I'm only in it!

Annie:
Get out!

Mitchell:
Yeah. I'm just an extra. In the bar. And you can't actually see me, obviously. But I do knock over a chair at one point and you can see that.

Annie:
You in Casablanca. How did you swing that?

Mitchell:
I know people. I move and shake.

Annie:
You changed your tune. You love old movies.

George:
Hey, George is as George does.

Mitchell:
Did you really just say that? Did you actually say those words?

Annie:
Oh my god. You're Tully's Mini-Me.

Mitchell:
It's good we're doing this. Especially now. Throwing the doors open like this... sends a message.

George:
What do you mean, "especially now"?

Mitchell:
[Backtracking] Nothing. It, ah, came out wrong.

George:
And sends a message to who? There's something you're not telling us.

Mitchell:
Like what? What?

George:
A few weeks ago, Tully was in London and got attacked by some vampires.

Mitchell:
Vampires are arsholes. This is hardly news.

George:
Yes. But Tully says it's happening more and more. Like suddenly they've stopped hiding. But it's the things they're saying now, about time. How their time is coming.

Mitchell:
Vampires have been saying their time is coming since the Crusades. Every now and then someone along, they get everyone all excited. It never comes to anything.

Annie:
What, so something has been happening?

Mitchell:
It's nothing! Can we- ? It's nothing. I promise you. I need a wee. [He walks out]

George:
Well. I feel totally reassured.

Mitchell:
Vampires film themselves making a kill and then they pass it on.

Annie:
So, what, it's like porn?

Mitchell:
In a way.

George:
Why do they do it?

Mitchell:
Same reason anyone does porn.

George:
You mean that's supposed to be sexy?

Mitchell:
For some. But this is different. This is... personal. It's to remind me of what I did to her.

Lauren:
[to Mitchell, about life as a vampire] It's like "Hotel California". You can check out, but you can never leave.

Annie:
[doorbell rings. Mitchell opens the front door and sees Annie] Morning. You gonna let me in? You have to invite me across the threshold. That is such a mental rule, who made that up?

Mitchell:
You, you are not coming in here.

Annie:
Uh yeah, I think I am, 'cause I don't think you want this conversation happening on your doorstep. [Annie sees an elderly woman across the street] Hiyah, how's it going?

Mitchell:
[Grabs Annie] Oh for Christ's sake, come in.

Mitchell:
[Mitchell and George are arguing about Tully staying in their house] Look, he stinks up the bathroom, he eats all the food.

George:
Oh that's nice, that's generosity.

Mitchell:
He's upset Annie! He's pissing off the neighbors. He's... he's a twat!

George:
Well he's my twat.

Mitchell:
I, expect that sounded better in your head.

George:
I mean, he's my friend.

Mitchell:
So what the hell are we?

George:
I don't know Mitchell, I really don't.

Tully:
[Tully moves to get up] Look, I don't want to cause any trouble guys. Maybe I should just...

George:
Stay where you are! [Tully sits back down while George and Mitchell continue] Why haven't you helped me? Why is it Tully who's showing me how to manage my condition?

Mitchell:
You can barely admit you have a condition.

George:
[raising his voice] Why is it Tully, who's showing me how to talk to women?

Mitchell:
Showing you how to talk to women? What are you twelve?

George:
Do you know the difference between you and him?

Mitchell:
Hm, I don't know, I don't have to shave my palms.

Mitchell:
Oh George, you know the isolation room you were using to transform in?

George:
Yeah, the're using it as a site office for the building work.

Mitchell:
Health and Safety said it's unsuitable. It's too remote and there's no windows. The site officer kept bursting into tears every time he went down there.

Mitchell:
Oh George, you know the isolation room you were using to transform in?

George:
Yeah, they're using it as a site office for the building work.

Mitchell:
Health and Safety said it's unsuitable. It's too remote and there's no windows. The site officer kept bursting into tears every time he went down there.

Mitchell:
Deadist?

Annie:
Yes. It's like racist but for dead people!

George:
That was pathetic! We were like the world's gayest ninjas.

Seth:
What the cock is that?

Annie:
I'm a ghost, actually.

Seth:
Get out. Can you like, move things about and, y'know, walk from one room to another?

George:
[pause] Yeah, I'm pretty sure everyone can do that.

George Sands:
[Hits a vampire over the head] Who wants some of my chair?

Annie:
[pause] Totally should have prepared something.

Annie:
[about to walk through a door to the other side] Oh, it's cold.

George:
[There's a knock on the door. George and Annie scream] There's someone behind the door!

Mitchell:
No, no, no, it's all right. It's the other door.

Annie:
What?

Mitchell:
It's the front door.

Annie:
Oh my bloody God.

George:
I actually let out a little bit of wee there.

[Mitchell, Annie, and George are trying to escape from the vampires' lair]

Mitchell:
Annie! Get away from here!

Annie:
No! I'm not going to leave you!

George:
Annie, just go! [Flashes his Star of David at Seth]

Seth:
That's not going to work this time, Digby. There's too many of us.

Mitchell:
Let them go, Seth. If you let them go, I swear I won't run.

Seth:
[ripping sound is heard] Ow...

[Seth looks down to see a wooden stake protruding from his chest. He then collapses and dies]

Lauren:
Well, he won't be staring at my tits when he speaks to me anymore.

Herrick:
We're not good or bad, we're just what happens next.

George:
All right, well, could I just, um, state for the record that, uh, I understand why you're doing this, but I don't want you to go?

Annie:
[a little taken aback] Noted.

Annie:
I want to scare him, to make him... cry and beg and scream. It's not just about justice. It's more jagged than that. Is that wrong?

George:
It's human. Not everything about being human is nice.

Josie:
Look at you, frozen like a photograph.

Annie:
Look, if I wanted to keep you here I would have chopped your feet off.

Janey:
[Later] I'm seeing things! It's Annie, she's here. Owen, she was going to chop my feet off!

Annie:
Okay, that is totally out of context.

Seth:
Oh, my God. What do YOU want?

George:
Well, either you have the world's worst customer service or we're in the right place.

Annie:
There's a question you haven't asked yourself yet. If I exist, what else does? You think you're the big bad wolf? You should see George on a full moon. You think you're a cold-blooded murderer? Mitchell was killing eighty years before you were even born. Don't you get it yet? I'm just the tip of the iceberg. I'm good cop. Look at you, so pleased with your grubby little murder. Fact is, when it comes to pure, naked evil, you're an amateur. I want you to know you've wandered off the path. This is where the wild things are, and we've got your scent now. We can find you at the edge of the earth and create unimaginable tortures, and now I'm going to tell you the very worst thing in the world, something only the dead know.

[Whispers to him]

Owen:
[horrified] That's not true!

Annie:
I've seen it. My advice to you? Find a safe place with locks and bad dogs, and never, *ever* turn out the light.

Mitchell:
[as Annie stands before the portal to the afterlife] You're lucky. Most people don't get a chance to say goodbye.

Annie:
I know, but... f***ing Hell!

George:
No, you might want to have different last words.

George:
[Voice over] We meet people and fall in love. And when we part, they leave marks for us to remember them by. Our lovers sculpt us. They define us. For better or worse. Like a pinball, we slam into them and rebound in a different direction. Propelled by the contact. And after their parting, we might be scarred. But stronger. Or more fragile or needy or angry or guilty. But never unchanged. Our lovers linger inside us like ghosts. Haunting the corridors and deserted rooms. Sometimes whispering. Sometimes screaming. Invisible but... always there. Waiting.

Owen:
Hey Annie? That the best you got? I knew it. I f***ing knew it. All that stuff happening at my house. I thought it was just... guilt. [He laughs] See I should have known that even death wouldn't be a match for one of your sulks. I mean that's what this is, isn't it? It's the Isle of Wight all over again.

Annie:
A sulk? You killed me.

George:
More jam?

Annie:
How many is that now?

George:
That's eleven jars. I wonder what it is about us that says we need jam.

Annie:
It's a gesture. They feel guilty.

George:
Yeah. So is writing "pedo" on the front door.

Josie:
Being human means being mortal. It means dying. You can't rob people of that.

Annie:
I went ahead to check the coast was clear!

Mitchell:
Is it?

Annie:
Very much not.

Mitchell:
Well did anyone see you? [There's banging at the door]

Annie:
Possibly.

Policeman:
[at the police station] How can I help you, sir?

Owen:
I need you to keep me safe!

Policeman:
All right. [takes out a form and a pen] Have you been threatened by someone?

Owen:
I killed my girlfriend! And now she lives with what I think is a werewolf and a vampire, and they're going to torture me. So I need to find somewhere safe!

Policeman:
I see. Well in that case, we're gonna need a different form.

George:
[about Owen discovering Annie] He didn't freak out? At all?

Annie:
It makes sense really when you think about it. We were expecting him to react like a sane person, even though this is someone who killed his fianc?, concealed it, and then rented out the crime scene.

George:
Annie? Annie? Annie! We've got to rescue Mitchell. The thing with the vampires? Oh my god! It's a lot worse than we thought. So this woman, at the hospital, she's fr- No, I'll tell you on the way. They're based at an undertakers. Stereotypes clearly hold no fear for these people. [Rummaging through drawers] I have no idea what, what I'm looking for. Something to, something to defend myself with, but you know, so far I have a whisk and my- and my... mobile phone recharger. [Tries them out] I mean what do we take? Do we take crosses and garlic? I know, we should have watched more films! We should, you should grab something... Um, any, any time you want to chip in, say something constructive, do feel free.

Annie:
I can't

George:
I'm sorry? What did you say?

Annie:
It's beaten me. I can't... move. I can't... Owen's won. I can't touch him. He just keeps on killing me.

George:
Okay. First off, you need to stop talking. Then you need to stand up and *help*.

Annie:
You don't understand.

George:
No! Mitchell, our friend, needs you. Your friend. So if you can't do this then you have done to yourself the one thing Owen could never do. Because then you have finally died.

Mitchell:
Oh, Lauren, please don't make me do this.

Lauren:
You have to. The me I used to be, the me that got hay fever and was scared her parents would find out she smoked, she's almost gone. Soon all that's going to be left is her.

Mitchell:
Oh, Lauren I'can't.

Lauren:
There isn't time.

Mitchell:
But you saved us.

Lauren:
So save me.