Best Week Ever

Paul Scheer:
[on Tim Burton's "The Corpse Bride"] Here's a little fact - that's actually Johnny Depp, not claymation. He's that good.

Christian Finnegan:
If you bought the soundtrack to the motion picture Ray, what you're saying about yourself is, "I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and pretend I've been a lifelong Ray Charles fan."

[Michael Colton is pretending to have a heart attack]

John Aboud:
Oh no. Someone phunked with his heart.

Sherrod Small:
You see the trailer for King Kong? King Kong is small. King Kong is like, 5'10". I like my King Kong big. I like my Donkey Kong small and my King Kong big. I'm old school.

John Aboud:
That ho could suck the sheet off a ghost.

[talking about Hermione Granger]

Doug Benson:
She puts the "bra" in abracadabra.

[talking about TV drinking games and Celebrity Fit Club]

Chris Jericho:
I like to take a drink every time Gary Busey says something absolutely f***ing insane.

[on the second season of Desperate Housewives]

Greg Fitzsimmons:
I was pretty much done with Desperate Housewives. The men have all been castrated. The women have all been neutered, but all of a sudden we got a black guy locked up in the basement. Hey, hey. TiVo alert.

[on the Unicef public service announcement featuring the Smurfs]

Christian Finnegan:
The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

[talking about a documentary featuring Albert Einstein]

Christian Finnegan:
This documentary is so sexy, it puts the sex back in quantum phy-sex.

Doug Benson:
Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.

Michael Colton:
The Lost fans are so thorough. If they could only start investigating al-Qaeda, we'd find Bin Laden in like two hours.

[talking about Lost fans posting theories on the internet]

Greg Fitzsimmons:
It's really helpful to the writers, because they go online and they take the theories and put them into the script, because they've run out of stuff.

John Aboud:
Our government couldn't govern its way out of a paper bag. Oprah just cuts through all the Oprah tape and gets it done.

Greg Fitzsimmons:
If Oprah wants to catch more child molesters, try giving a shoutout on the Jerry Springer show. You'll nab like twenty of them right in the audience.

Michael Colton:
There's nothing Oprah can't do. Remember that budget deficit? You don't hear about that any more.

John Aboud:
Gone.

Michael Colton:
She took care of it.

John Aboud:
It got Oprah-fied.

Michael Colton:
Like a third of her salary.

Doug Benson:
Daniel Craig is having the best week ever and I don't even know who the f*** he is.

Doug Benson:
[on the celebrity rescue effort in New Orleans] Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"

Doug Benson:
The musical number for Crash was one of the most depressing things I've ever seen. And not because it was about racism, but because it was horrible... and about racism.

Christian Finnegan:
People might say, "What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them." Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?

Nick Kroll:
I find it kinda weird that Joe Rogan is trading accomplishments with a twenty year old. Like, it's not really that fair. It's like, "I'm twenty, dude. I'm a sophomore in college. You're like sixty five, you know."

Christian Finnegan:
After nearly killing herself, Kristy Yamaoka has been whipping through the talk show circuit at a break-neck pace.

Greg Fitzsimmons:
[to Jessica Simpson] I don't think adopting a child is a good idea given your lifestyle. I think you'd be better off adopting a highway mile.

[talking about Taylor Hicks' Soul Patrol]

Christian Finnegan:
And what is it they patrol? The Easy Listening section at Sam Goody. You're not going to get to the Josh Groban without going through the Soul Patrol.

Nick Kroll:
Proportionably speaking, Jade is fantasticnatious in the way she can create words and phrasology in a magnification of mannerisms.

Doug Benson:
I was hoping Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell sat next to each other on the View. Cause then maybe they'd get into a fight... to the death... or worse.

[talking about Brangelina]

Paul F. Tompkins:
Everything's gotta be sooo African with these two.

Paul F. Tompkins:
The thing that's great about Gnarles Barkley is that they absolutely deny it has anything to do with Charles Barkley. That's just a lie. That's awesome.

[on Britney's parenting]

Paul F. Tompkins:
Can we not give her credit for getting him in the car seat? Like, just a couple weeks ago, she had him on the hood. Baby steps, people.

Sherrod Small:
I think somehow science is gonna catch up and Kevin Federline is gonna get that many pregnant.

Nick Kroll:
US Weekly has reported that Britney has laid down an ultimatum. Either Kevin starts respecting Britney and their baby or he only gets like five or six more chances and then she's gonna lay down another ultimatum.

John Aboud:
Sean Preston is what Britney likes to think of as a practice baby.

Michael Colton:
A starter child. It's before you move onto the real one, the trophy child.

Nick Kroll:
Brandon Davis, for those of you who don't know, and God forbid you don't know who Brandon Davis is, he's the son of Marvin Davis, the oil magnate, uh, he used to date Mischa Barton, so that's an accomplishment... and third, he's a fat a**hole.

[on Brandon Davis and Paris Hilton]

Mike Britt:
The audacity. Lindsay's movie bombed? I don't remember House of Wax being nominated for no Oscars either. You got a lot of nerve homegirl.

[on Brandon Davis and Paris Hilton]

Mike Britt:
Socialites and heiresses should shut the f*** up. Who the hell is Brandon Davis? He's a socialite. You know what that is, people? That's somebody rich that just hangs out.

[on Wilmer Valderrama]

Doug Benson:
The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.

Christian Finnegan:
I think I speak for America when I say, "nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg."

Sherrod Small:
[on Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan] I can finally sleep, actually, now that these two white girls aren't beefing.

Michael Colton:
[on Aaron Carter] On what alternate universe is this kid a prize?

Chuck Nice:
If you're dealing with FOX, make sure they're going to pay you enough money to buy a new life, because they're certainly going to ruin the one you have now.

Miss Info:
[Holding a high-energy drink] This is Crunk Juice. This is Lil Jon's drink. If Crunk Juice in any way, shape, or form, makes you look like him. Beware!

Rachael Harris:
It is rough being a beauty. These "Top Models" are hurting. Okay. And, we need to respect them.

Billy Merritt:
The thing about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is that it's the largest AA meeting.

Mo Rocca:
Anyone who has read the life of the Saints knows that St. Patrick was very Christlike... he changed water into Schlitz. And it was for things like that, that we honor him.

Judah Friedlander:
This movie about Heidi Fleiss is like Rocky for whores: girl that moves to Hollywood, she decides to become a slut, and she made her dreams come true.

Miss Info:
What William Hung has is raw sexual energy.

Billy Merritt:
[on American Idol] I watch it like a car wreck. And I do watch car wrecks.

Jacqui Malouf:
[on news that daughter Kelly Osbourne was in rehab] Ozzy was dumbfounded when he heard the news. He dropped his bong.

Chuck Nice:
Ernie and Bert have been cohabiting for thirty five years, they live in a five bedroom apartment, but they sleep in the same bedroom. Suspicious?

Christian Finnegan:
I think it's really funny watching all the people that have been booted off The Apprentice trying to pretend as if they respect the two guys that are still there. They obviously think these two guys are jackasses.

Paul Scheer:
Nothing can stop Pamela and Tommy. Hepatitis. A porno video. Kid Rock. This is the real American Couple. Upgrade!

Christian Finnegan:
[regarding Michael Jackson] His charity efforts? Mmmmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges

Billy Merritt:
If it's good and funny, let's do it. Although, let's make it less good and less funny because it's more American that way.

Rachael Harris:
The next person that comes up to me and says, "your fired," I'm going to say, "your a d**k."

Sherrod Small:
[Madonna] you can't be nine religions in three years.

Christian Finnegan:
Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.

Judah Friedlander:
[regarding celebrity children's books] If you look at these things... there's like four words on a page, it's like, "Oh Yeah your going to give me a million bucks writing a kids book. Cool."

Paul Scheer:
Everyone looks good next to Ted Kennedy. Carrot Top looks good next to Ted Kennedy.

Christian Finnegan:
Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.

Jessi Klein:
I don't think that Michael Jackson thinks that dressing like Harry Potter will get him off. But I'm pretty certain that Michael Jackson thinking about Harry Potter gets him off.

Paul Scheer:
Courtney Love was back in Court, again, this week and she went with a different fashion style, it was kinda like homeless-lady chic.

Judah Friedlander:
[Troy] could be the biggest budgeted gay gladiator film ever made.

Billy Merritt:
There all running around spanking each other on the ass, but they're spanking each other hard. And I think that's the difference.

Sherrod Small:
What happened to The Idol?

Miss Info:
America voted off La Toya, quite possibly the best singer of the whole bunch.

Brian Huskey:
No, not La Toya... nooooo. It just goes to prove that America doesn't want music, they want Muzak.

Paul Scheer:
America, you messed up. You messed up big time.

Doug Benson:
Of course the OC stands for: only Caucasian.

Patton Oswalt:
The ultimate Britney experience would involve a hearing loss on my part, and clothing loss on her part.

Ophira Eisenberg:
Why does every celebrity feel the need to name their child something that everyone will completely make fun of.

Jacqui Malouf:
[on American Idol] Jasmine got kicked off. Thank God. I'm sorry. I know that I should not be revelling in the fact that this little girl is now off... and can now go back to that Tiki show at the Polynesian village.

Paul Scheer:
Having Big Bird speak at your college graduation is one step up from having a Teletubby.

John Aboud:
Ice T, in a very innovative form of entertainment suicide has agreed to do a rap song with David Hasselhoff.

Paul F. Tompkins:
Stop now before it's too late.

Jessi Klein:
Weird behavior is so not the the Anna Nicole I know.

Doug Benson:
[J-Lo] finally married into her own music genre. Crappy music

Chris Briggs:
[on Superstar USA] Some people think the show is exploitive? And I disagree. Watching mentally disabled children play chess is exploitive and that's coming this fall on FOX.

Patton Oswalt:
What I'd most like to see on the Kirsten Dunst/Jake Gyllenhall sex tape is Patton Oswalt playing the part of Jake Gyllenhall.

John Aboud:
Supersize Me is kinda like Willy Wonka meets Jackass.

Sherrod Small:
Well, there is a little hottie in the Harry Potter movies, and his name is Ron Weasley!

Doug Benson:
P. Diddy's gonna be exhausted, you know, running with the Olympic torch in one hand and the torch he'll always carry for J-Lo in the other.

Miss Info:
[Re Arnold Schwarzenegger's new film] It's always good for morale to see your governor in a hot tub gropping women.

Michael Colton:
[Re Hot Condoms] How do you know whether the burning sensation is the hot condom or syphilis?

Paul F. Tompkins:
[Re "Velvet Revolver"] This band is gonna be together forever, because I heard that the world is ending in 3 weeks.

Miss Info:
[Re summer reading] Jewel's book could be for the slower classes.

Michael Colton:
I did not know we had a president of beers. Is there a Senate of beers too?

Brian Huskey:
I want a good president. I don't care if it's a beer, or a human being.

John Aboud:
Madonna said at her concert, "Everyone needs to see Fahrenheit 9/11; now if you'll excuse me: I need to grind on this pregnant backup dancer."

Chris Briggs:
Shyne is having an amazing week. You know what: it couldn't happen to a nicer convicted felon.

Paul F. Tompkins:
The only thing that could make this week better for Shyne is if he got gang-raped... by Grammy nominations.

Paul F. Tompkins:
J-Lo as your step mother. Excellent. Before you're even old enough to say, "You're not my real mom," she's married to someone else.

Christian Finnegan:
[Re Nelly's "Pimp Juice" Scholarship Fund] Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person. It has nothing to do with selling sex for money.

Michael Colton:
[Re Growing Up Gotti] She's not in the mafia. She's a humble importer of olive oil.

Marina Franklin:
[Re the Alien v. Predator film] I'm totally rooting for the Predator, cause he's a Rastafarian brother.

Sherrod Small:
He's like a Jamaican from Mars, and he's going to be high, and during the fight he's going to be like, "Man I don't want to fight you man. No beef."

Rachael Harris:
The exciting new sport in the Olympics is women's wrestling. Those crazy b*tches.

Miss Info:
For the Greek people the Olympics are so 4,000 BC. Been there, done that.

Michael Colton:
[Re Christina Aguilera] She got rid of all her piercings except the nipple ring. Why? Because the nipple ring is classy.

Jessi Klein:
[Re Paul Hamm, Olympian] Paul Hamm won in the true American fashion: he relied on other people to screw up worse than he did.

John Aboud:
[Re Carly Patterson, Olympian] If I were Mary Lou Retton, which I'm not, I'd probably check my 401K.

Christian Finnegan:
If you went to the Democratic convention this summer, what your saying about yourself is, "Hey! Remember that guy that was doing charity work so that it would look good on his college application? That was me!"

Christian Finnegan:
If you went to the Republican convention this summer, what your saying about yourself is, "Hey! Remember that guy that was doing charity work so that it would look good on his college application? I was beating the crap outta that kid!"

Seth Herzog:
I feel like Ed Furlong's not living up to his potential as a child star, as a bad boy child star. Like there's so many more drugs he should be doing, there's so many cars he should be stealing. There are convenient stores that are not being robbed, Ed. Get on the ball.

Sherrod Small:
We don't know what phones sound like anymore. You hear actual phone ringing... you're like, "What - what is that? Is it a fire alarm? The building on fire"?

Doug Benson:
[over Green Day's 9 minute operetta on latest CD American Idiot] I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.

Christian Finnegan:
If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.

Michael Colton:
Is anybody really surprised there is another Paris Hilton sex tape? I bet if I look in my garage long enough, I will find a Paris Hilton sex tape.

Eli Roth:
Tatum O'Neal can be 12 and have sex with Melanie Griffith but Roman Polanski has sex with a 12 year old and gets shipped out of the country? There's no justice.

Faith Salie:
John Edwards may be a pretty boy but it's all relative when Dick Cheney looks like an angry sea turtle.

Doug Benson:
All marionettes are trying to say with this movie, is that if you don't see it, the sock puppets have won.

Miss Info:
In The Grudge they have the stereotypical scarry phone call.

P.J. Morrison:
Anyone here have caller ID.

Eli Roth:
[Re The Biggest Loser] I thought The Surreal Life was the show about the bigest losers.

Sherrod Small:
[Re Bill O'Reilly's sex scandal] Never has anyone reached out and said, "Hey kids, this is how you sexually harass at work."

Doug Benson:
[the Pop Culture Bachelor] I did not give a rose to the Growing Pains Reunion movie because let's face it no Growing Pains movie is complete without Boner.

Jon Stewart:
[Clip: To Tucker Carlson on CNN's Crossfire] You know what's interesting though: You're as big a dick-head on your show.

Rachael Harris:
I think Jon Stewart was more than justified in calling Tucker Carlson a dick. I can think of other things he should have called him: a fudge packer... a partisan f***-up.

Whitney Cummings:
[Re political activists attack Ann Coulter with cream pie] They missed. Damn it. Those little bastards. They should practice a little aim.

Larry Kenney:
[Re When Whitney Cummings wore a sexy Halloween costume during a segment] Whitney... cover up, quick, Bill O'Reilly's around.

David Wain:
[Re Nanny 911] Every time I see this show I go out and get a vasectomy.

Jessi Klein:
I think Nanny 911 is actually part of the Bush Administration's plan to promote abstinence... cause no one's having sex once you've seen these kids.

Adrianne Frost:
So they put the Seinfeld puffy shirt in the Smithsonian this week.

Miss Info:
Finally some real art in the Smithsonian.

Doug Benson:
[on the UPN reality show "Britney and Kevin Chaotic"] I do not want to see someone else's home movies and I'm a narcissist who loves to look at himself naked in the mirror.

Christian Finnegan:
[On Shar Jackson] This is the first ever piece of celebrity gossip containing no celebrities.

Doug Benson:
Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

Nick Kroll:
Hello, I'm a Mac

Christian Finnegan:
And I'm a PC

Nick Kroll:
I'm into doing fun stuff like music, movies podcasts, stuff like that.

Christian Finnegan:
And I'm into important stuff like spreadsheets, timesheets and pie charts.

Nick Kroll:
That's cool but you can't capture your family's vacation on a pie chart.

Christian Finnegan:
Right, but a podcast about your favorite hoodies and independent film won't help you pay for that vacation.

Nick Kroll:
No, that's what my trust fund is for, but that's a pretty sweet idea for a podcast.

Christian Finnegan:
Why am I even wasting my time talking to this jackass?

Nick Kroll:
Dude, don't be a hater! You can borrow my isight camera.

Nick Kroll:
Hello, I'm a Mac.

Christian Finnegan:
And I'm a PC.

Nick Kroll:
Dude, I just made this sweet mashup with the new Gnarls Barkley song mixed with scenes from Psycho the Alfred Hitchcock classic the other day on my Mac. It's pretty meta.

Christian Finnegan:
I don't know what you're talking about.

Nick Kroll:
Basically I stole footage from Psycho and then borrowed music from the Gnarls Barkley song and put them all together. It's mad stupid.

Christian Finnegan:
Do you know what I think is stupid?

Nick Kroll:
What?

Christian Finnegan:
Expensive worn jeans, ironic t-shirts and pretentious film school glasses.

Nick Kroll:
Do you mean like stupid stupid or cool stupid?

Nick Kroll:
Hello, I'm a Mac.

Christian Finnegan:
And I'm a PC.

Nick Kroll:
Oh righteous, you've got an iPod!

Christian Finnegan:
Yes, it works with my PC. I also enjoy listening to songs.

Nick Kroll:
Well you should check out iPhoto, iMovie, iWeb, they all work like iTunes. You know it's like iLife. It comes with every Mac.

Christian Finnegan:
Have you ever heard of You Shut?

Nick Kroll:
No, what is that? Some PC program that competes with Mac?

Christian Finnegan:
No. You Shut the f**k up you pompous pr*ck or I'll shove this iPod up your ass.

Nick Kroll:
That's like a really long name for a software program.

Christian Finnegan:
Yeah.

Paul F. Tompkins:
Well the trailer for Rocky Balboa was released this week and this movie promises to be the most recent Rocky movie ever.

Doug Benson:
The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

Christian Finnegan:
If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.

Christian Finnegan:
If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.

Cecily Knobler:
This is like the most dangerous apartment ever. She's like: I came home and my swords were gone and my snakes and my big tiger and my piranha and my Chinese throwing stars and my weapons of mass destruction and my toaster. All gone.

Doug Benson:
Cat owners are so excited to demonstrate how they taught their cats to poop in the toilet, that they are making videos to share that gift with the world. Now we know what happens when people get tired of making home porn.

Christian Finnegan:
[On cankle surgery] Ladies, I have a message for you: Men don't give a sh*t. If we're noticing your ankles, we're not interested.

Jessica Simpson:
Congratulations Best Week Ever on your 100th episodes. Now leave me alone.

Sally Struthers:
Happy 100th episode Best Week Ever. Now really, leave Jessica Simpson alone, please.