Charles in Charge

Adam Powell:
Who would put wax on beans?

Charles:
So they slide down your throat without skid marks.

Charles:
[Charles finds Douglas at work with a skateboard]... Doug, do you need help tightening those wheels?

Douglas Pembroke:
I'm not tightening them; I'm loosening them.

Charles:
That's very dangerous!

Douglas Pembroke:
I hope so; this is Jason's skateboard. He used my baseball glove to clean his fish tank! He's gotta be taught a lesson.

Charles:
[confiscating the skateboard] That's not a crime punishable by death.

Douglas Pembroke:
...All right, [shouts] who stole my Incredible Hulk underoos?

Douglas Pembroke:
...Jason's gone too far this time. He just took a shower and used my lucky towel.

Charles:
What's lucky about it?

Douglas Pembroke:
It always gets me dry!

Stan Pembroke:
[to Lila, who - against his orders - went out on a date with a boy he detested]... You're grounded for three months. No TV, no stereo, no allowance, no phone. Your life is school, homework, eating, sleeping, and chores - *lots* of chores. And if you have any free time, I suggest you spend it dwelling on why you were grounded.

[to Jill]

Stan Pembroke:
...And *don't* bake her any cookies!

Jamie Powell:
I'm not a child Charles. You're treating me like your mother treats you.

Charles:
I don't think that's such a bad thing anymore.

Jamie Powell:
Sensible shoes are totally uncool.

Jamie Powell:
There's going to be three girls and three boys. We'll be staying in different motel rooms than the boys.

Ellen Powell:
Motel rooms?

Jamie Powell:
I'm sensing some negative vibes here.

Anthony:
Don't thank me. Pay me.

Jamie Powell:
Yeah right and beauty's only skin deep.

Charles:
[as Jamie, Sarah, and Adam inch closer to Charles's Bed] GO TO BED!

Jamie Powell:
Thank you, Michael Landon.

Jamie Powell:
It's too bad about today Sarah, we might of met a couple of nice boys.

Sarah Powell:
[Looks at Buddy and Charles] We did Jamie.

Charles:
[to Jason Pembroke just before he and his mother leave] How am I going to grow up without you?

Buddy Lembeck:
Do you know a word that rhymes with baby?

Charles:
Maybe.

Buddy Lembeck:
...Oh well if you think of one, let me know.

Jamie Powell:
Its kind of like what happened on All My Tomorrows.

Sarah Powell:
Jamie, that's a soap opera.

Jamie Powell:
That doesn't mean it isn't real.

Adam Powell:
Charles, everyday Earl Dawson takes my lunch money. Well today, I couldn't take it anymore.

Charles:
What'd you do?

Adam Powell:
I gave him my lunch money.

Sarah Powell:
I know Earl Dawson, he's cute.

Jamie Powell:
Yeah has he ever asked you out on a date?

Sarah Powell:
No.

Jamie Powell:
Maybe he will now that he has some money.

Sarah Powell:
Jamie, that's terrible. Do you really think he will?

Jamie Powell:
Steven, if you so much as even look at my sister, I will break every bone in your body.

Charles:
I'm telling!

Charles:
I think you two need to talk more.

Jamie Powell:
Okay. Adam how old are you?

Adam Powell:
Twelve. You?

Jamie Powell:
Fifteen.

Adam Powell:
Cool.

Jamie Powell:
Keep in touch.

Jamie Powell:
A relationship should be a 50/50 partnership where the woman makes the rules.

Jamie Powell:
Want to be really current? Shave the right side of your head.

Jamie Powell:
Charles, my mother is depressed. Do something!

Jamie Powell:
Mom's so distracted right now, she'd say yes to anything. It's the perfect time to ask her!

Charles:
Where have you guys been?

Jamie Powell:
At school Charles. We go there alot, mom says we have too.

Jamie Powell:
How'd it go?

Charles:
I made him an offer he couldn't refuse.

Jamie Powell:
What'd he do?

Charles:
He refused.

Lillian:
[fantasy episode] Momma? They're only two people who call me momma, one is my son Charles.

Charles:
Yeah mom, I am your son Charles. Who else calls you Momma?

Lillian:
Eddie Murphy.

Charles:
Jamie, you are not fat.

Buddy Lembeck:
Actually you're short.

Jamie Powell:
Oh great, I'm short and fat.

Anthony:
[after seeing Charles' girlfriend Stephanie for the first time] Wha-wha-wha!

Charles:
Wha-wha-wha? Nobody says wha-wha-wha.

Anthony:
What are you talking about, that kid on Happy Days says it all the time.

Jamie Powell:
Sarah, my troubles are over. I found the lipgloss to go with my purple sweater!

Sarah Powell:
Great, that should end world hunger.

Jamie Powell:
Lighten up Sarah, you can't solve anybody's problems if you're not color coordinated.

Charles:
Buddy, in diplomacy, honesty is the best policy.

Buddy Lembeck:
But what if a guy's punching your face?

Charles:
Then insurance is the best policy.

Sarah Powell:
I'm going over to Marci Crawford's house.

Jamie Powell:
Marci isn't home today.

Sarah Powell:
I know, but her brother Ted is.

Jamie Powell:
[Jamie recently went out on a date with Ted] Sarah, I told you Ted was all over me.

Sarah Powell:
I know, know that he's over you, he can go out with me.

Charles:
Buddy, you've been watching too many situation comedies.

Jamie Powell:
Yeah sure maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe they'll just kidnap Adam and we'll all live happily ever after!

Jamie Powell:
Wake up and smell the make up.

Lottery Winner:
[after winning the lottery, runs up to Charles and yells] I've won! I've won! I guess Happy Days are here again!

Charles:
[Looking back in disgust] Happy Days was cancelled!

Jamie Powell:
Get off it Sarah, the only people that don't like beauty pagents are the ones that cant win them.

Sarah Powell:
Yeah well the only people who can win them are the ones who cant spell, 'beauty', 'pageant', 'contest', or 'win'.

Jamie Powell:
This magazine says that lips are a woman's second most important feature.

Sarah Powell:
What's the first?

Jamie Powell:
You don't have them yet.

Jamie Powell:
Right, and next you're going to tell me The Naked and The Dead is a book or something.

Charles:
What's your first name?

Muffy:
Muffy.

Charles:
That's funny... no what's your real name?

Muffy:
That is my real name, my parent's wanted something with fur.

Buddy Lembeck:
I have a mind like a sponge.

Charles:
No, you have the mind of a sponge.

Ellen Powell:
What do you want to do Jamie?

Jamie Powell:
Psychology. You think that's crazy?

Jamie Powell:
You seem to be obsessed with pizza. Psychologically speaking, that's very interesting.

Buddy Lembeck:
No Jamie, Charles isn't obsessed with pizza, he's obsessed with Sid.

Jamie Powell:
Oooh that's even more interesting.

[repeated line]

Walter Powell:
Doorbell!

Adam Powell:
Boy? You call that an insult?

Jamie Powell:
Sarah's here. Hi Sarah. You came to wish me a happy birthday, thank you!

Sarah Powell:
Thank Charles. He invited me and my whole class here for pizza.

Jamie Powell:
Charles, this is the nicest present you could of given me! I don't know how you do it, but your plans always turn out great.

Jamie Powell:
I wouldn't consider my friends to sex phenes.

Walter Powell:
Would any of those friends be teenage boys?

Jamie Powell:
Of course.

Walter Powell:
I rest my case.

Jamie Powell:
Whats wrong?

Charles:
Adam's been watching maniacs. Sarah's out with a maniac, and you look like a maniac!

Jamie Powell:
Charles, I wouldn't worry about Sarah. Nothing can happen in the back of a movie theatre. However, if he gets her in the back seat of his van, that's different.

Charles:
Thank you Jamie. I won't worry about Sarah. You, on the otherhand, are never leaving this house again!

Charles:
Sarah are you okay?

Sarah Powell:
No.

Charles:
What did Craig do to you?

Sarah Powell:
Nothing. It's what you did.

Sarah Powell:
How could you spy on me?

Charles:
I, spy?

Jamie Powell:
Have you mentioned my name yet?

Charles:
Yes, to Freddie Kruger.

Charles:
There are no small parts, just small actors.

Jamie Powell:
Oh great now you're making fun of me for being short!

Jamie Powell:
All you can do is try.

Charles:
If you don't try, you've already failed.

Sarah Powell:
Charles come quick!

Charles:
What is it?

Sarah Powell:
It's Jamie! She's reading!

Jamie Powell:
Everyone was teasing me about Charles being in my class.

Sarah Powell:
I think it'd be fun to have Charles in my class.

Jamie Powell:
Yeah, and you think it's fun going to the dentist.

[repeated line]

Mr. Merken:
Nobody knows how I feel!

Sarah Powell:
[acting like Jamie, doorbell rings] Like, its the doorbell!

Charles:
Like get it.

Jamie Powell:
I'm Jamie, Jamie Powell.

Jamie Powell:
Charles, you can't fix anything can you?

Charles:
Not unless the directions are in English!

Jamie Powell:
What about poor Sarah? It's not fair that she has to compete with me.

Jamie Powell:
You know I can remember everything an egg does without writing it down.

Jamie Powell:
I'll tell her the truth. My babysitter was a hopeless clutz.

Charles:
What are you gonna name it Jamie?

Jamie Powell:
It is an egg. I think I'll name it... egg.

Jamie Powell:
I love babies. I even love health class. But how could you think of an egg as your child?

Sarah Powell:
Do you tell a boy when you like him?

Jamie Powell:
No way. I just let him hang around until he realizes he likes me.

Jamie Powell:
Everyone's heard of Bloomingdales.

Jamie Powell:
Charles, my leading man!

Charles:
Jamie, my main momma, what it is?

Adam Powell:
I'm gonna go upstairs and do something rash!

Adam Powell:
[after Charles corrected his grammar] So what you're saying is I should never say go, I should say 'say'?

Charles:
Right.

Adam Powell:
Excuse me, I have to say to the bathroom.

Buddy Lembeck:
[Just walking in] What's Adam going to say to the bathroom?

Charles:
I don't know, he'll probably say, "Hey bathroom, how ya doin'? You're looking a little flushed."

Sarah Powell:
I don't think I can live with this information.

Jamie Powell:
Sarah, if you can live with our little brother, you can live with anything.

Sarah Powell:
Jamie, I've already read Romeo and Juliet.

Jamie Powell:
Oh. Well don't tell me what happens, okay? So far it sounds like a rip off of West Side Story.

Buddy Lembeck:
Love is blind.

Jamie Powell:
No, Stevie Wonder is blind, love is dumb.

Jamie Powell:
Sarah has a date and she won't get out of bed.

Lillian:
How can she have a date in bed?

Jamie Powell:
She can't, mom would kill her.

Sarah Powell:
Charles is right Jamie. Maybe it is more afraid of us than we are of it.

Jamie Powell:
Yeah right and King Kong's afraid of Punky Brewster!

Jamie Powell:
Steven I don't wanna just talk about me, lets talk about you... how do you like my hair?

Buddy Lembeck:
Any place I hang my salami is home!

Walter Powell:
Charles is right kids. Making onion dip is not in his job description.

Jamie Powell:
Gee Grandpa if that's true, what good is he?

Jamie Powell:
Charles don't you ever get tired of saying no to us?

Charles:
No.

Jamie Powell:
Face it, history is just yesterday's news.

Jamie Powell:
You got me into this, you have to get me out of this!

Jamie Powell:
I will never forgive you for this Charles.