Crank Yankers

Special Ed:
I GOT MAIL. I GOT MAIL. YAY.

Cammie:
And don't hate me for being ugly, I didn't make you that way, God did.

Security Receptionist:
Hello?

Bircham:
Hello? This the security guard place?

Security Receptionist:
Yes this is.

Bircham:
Oh, great. My name's Birchum, I'm new to the area, and I'm lookin' for a job.

Security Receptionist:
Okay, right now we're not hiring because we don't have any openings.

Bircham:
Not hiring, huh?

Security Receptionist:
No.

Bircham:
Not hiring guys who did two tours in 'Nam and are third degree blackbelts in Tae kwan do?

Security Receptionist:
Not at the moment.

Bircham:
Not hiring a guy who can take an AK-47 blindfolded, break it down, oil it, and reassemble it in less than 4 minutes, you're not hiring any of them?

Security Receptionist:
We don't...

Bircham:
Not hiring a guy who can kill a man using only his thumb on his LEFT hand?

Security Receptionist:
No, we don't have any openings at the moment.

Bircham:
Not hiring a guy who modified his AK-47 to go full automatic and added a forty round banana clip to it? You're not hiring that guy?

Bircham:
Not hiring a guy who customized his van so it looked like the A-team van? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HIRE THAT GUY?

Bircham:
YOU'RE NOT GONNA HIRE A GUY WHO LAID HIS LIFE ON THE LINE FOR THIS COUNTRY SO THAT YOU CAN GO HOME TO YOUR LESBIAN PARTNER AND LIVE IN A JUDGMENT-FREE SOCIETY? I THINK YOU ARE HIRING THAT GUY!

Special Ed:
Lady, do you play with your vagina?

Backwoodsman:
Lady, who you callin' a lady when yer talkin' to a man?

Birchum:
You're recording this? Well, guess what! I'm recording it too, and I'm gonna put it on basic cable!

Birchum:
You know, I probably wasn't abducted by aliens. Come to think of it, I was raped by teenagers.

Special Ed:
I WANNA GO TO HAWAII! I WANNA GO TO HAWAII! YAAAAAAAY!

Special Ed:
I like to make poo-snowballs and throw them at people YAAAAAAAAYYY!

Backwoodsman:
Sounds to me like you're low-bred.

Special Ed:
Bread makes me poop!

Spoonie Luv:
Strip club, strip club, for where are thy? Strip club, strip club, shot jizz in my eye.

Special Ed:
[Repeated line] Donkey Kong. [shouts] Yaaaayyyyy!

Spoonie Luv:
From your ankles to your instep, I really love your feet. So slim, so strong, so shapely, so graceful, and petite. So wrap your toes around my johnson, it's time to beat my meat.

Arthur Johnson:
Listen, I've been around this shiny blue marble a few times and i've never met a unisex person. You're an innie or an outie understand? You either got a fishing hole or a fishing pole.It's franks and beans or fish taco, Capiche?