Cucumber

Henry:
To be honest I've never loved tofu - tasteless, textureless nothingness. But when you know it's also a category of hard-on - the worst category, i.e. the least hard, and here it is flopping impotently down on the scales of the supermarket deli counter to prove it - then... well, it's now officially off the menu in this house. If that makes me a flaccist, I don't care.

Freddie Baxter:
This is an old man who lives here and won't leave.

Henry Best:
Otherwise known as Henry.