Dagmar's Canteen

[first lines]

Himself - Accordianist:
Thank you, thank you. Get all set, gang. Fasten your seatbelts, because here she is - Dagmar!

Herself - Host:
Hello, everybody. Gosh, everybody looks so nice in their uniforms. Well, I think they're very pretty. I'm very happy you came to our canteen and I want you to make yourselves at home. Everything is free and with what prices are today, I think that's very reasonable.

Herself - Host:
This play is about two men and a woman. I will play the woman. I am a famous psychiatrist. I have driven many men sane.

Herself - Host:
I need someone to play my patient, someone very abnormal. Oh, Sidney...

Himself - Sketch Actor:
My horse, my horse, my kingdom for a horse!

Herself - Host:
Sidney, hold your horses.

Herself - Host:
I love singing - especially the vocal kind.

Herself - Host:
Hello, soldiers.

[roar from the crowd]

Herself - Host:
Hello, sailors.

[quieter cheering]

Herself - Host:
That's strange. The sailors are more bashful than the soldiers. Hello, marines.

[no response]

Herself - Host:
They must be busy tonight.

Herself - Host:
Ray is so intellectual. He and I are exactly alike.

Himself - Sketch Actor:
...No comment.

Herself - Host:
I'm Hopalong Dagmar. I'm a pistol-packin' mama.

Himself - Sketch Actor:
Oh, mama!

Himself - Dancer:
I reckon she's mine.

Himself - Sketch Actor:
I reckon she's mine.

Himself - Dancer:
I reckon she's mine!

Himself - Sketch Actor:
I reckon she's mine!

Herself - Host:
Please, boys. You're wreckin' yourselves.

Himself - Sketch Actor:
Gal, how about marryin' up with me. I got all this money.

Herself - Host:
Where'd you get it?

Himself - Sketch Actor:
Punchin' cows.

Herself - Host:
How dare you strike a lady! It's against the rules of Cowboy Local 802.

Himself - Sketch Actor:
Cowboy Local 802?

Herself - Host:
Yes, it's a western union.

Herself - Host:
Hello, privates.

[muted response from the audience]

Herself - Host:
I guess they all got promoted. Hello, sergeants.

[crowd roars]

Herself - Host:
What a loud voice for a sergeant. I see a sailor out there with three stripes. Hello, admiral!

: I was talking to Jean. Jean says she's crazy about strong men.

Herself - Host/Performer:
Is that right, Jean?

: Yes, sis.

Herself - Host/Performer:
Do you like any other kind?

: Yes, sis.

Herself - Host/Performer:
What other kind?

: Any other kind.

Herself - Host/Performer:
She's so choosy.

Himself - Accordianist:
Who is the gal we're crazy about?

Himself - Singer:
And who is the gal whose praises we shout?

Himself - Sketch Actor:
And who is the gal who's comin' right out?

Himself - Accordianist, Himself - Singer, Himself - Sketch Actor:
Dag-mar!

Herself - Host:
Hello, Fifth Army!

[silence]

Herself - Host:
No Fifth Army? Hello, Fifth Navy!

[silence]

Herself - Host:
They must be busy on maneuvers. Well hello, 2nd Division! Are there any 2nd Division...?

[silence]

Herself - Host:
Well, say hello anyway. Hello!

Audience:
Hello!

Herself - Host:
One thing I want to know about the 2nd Division - is it short division or long division?

Soldier:
I don't know.

Herself - Host:
Well, I was never very good at figures.

Soldier:
[eyeing Dagmar's shapely torso] I don't believe that!

Herself - Host:
There are so many men here tonight. I like men - they're so necessary.

Herself - Host:
I have a book here that tells you exactly what your name means. What's your first name?

Soldier:
Albert.

Herself - Host:
Albert? Let's see. Albert... Albert means you're a leader of men. What's your rank?

Soldier:
PFC.

Herself - Host:
What's your name?

Soldier:
Benjamin.

Herself - Host:
Ben? That's means a man of great intelligence. How much is three times three?

Soldier:
Nine.

Herself - Host:
...Close enough.

Tatlock:
I'm a graduate of Harvard - B.S., M.A. and Ph.D.

Herself - Host:
What a strange way to spell Harvard.

Herself - Host:
Mr. Amsterdam, I think it's so sweet of you to come over. Have you any experience as a model?

Himself - Sketch Actor:
Ahh, yeah! There was one I was out with last night.

Himself - Sketch Actor:
I'm a type of cover boy.

Herself - Host:
Oh, really? Magazine or manhole?

Herself - Host:
Is there anyone here from Loveseat, Iowa?

Himself - Accordianist:
Hey, Dag, that's not Loveseat, it's Davenport!

Herself - Host:
Well, what's the difference?

Herself - Host:
Hello, Lieutenant. Do I have your rank right?

Soldier:
Almost.

Herself - Host:
What is it?

Soldier:
Private.

Herself - Host:
Let's all sing "Shine On, Harvest Moon". How about a key, Milton.

Himself - Accordianist:
Key? How about A Major.

Herself - Host:
A Major is a little high. How 'bout A Corporal.

Himself - Sketch Actor:
What did he do? I caught him in the kitchen putting eight pats of butter on one slice of bread! Do you know you could be sent to the guardhouse for that?

Himself - Dancer:
Yeah? On what charge?

Himself - Sketch Actor:
Impersonating an officer!

Herself - Host:
What's wrong with officers? They're almost like people.