Danger Mouse

[Repeated line]

Penfold:
Oh, crumbs.

[repeated line]

Dangermouse:
Shush.

[Dangermouse have just fallen into a deep hole]

Narrator:
What's this? Will the Baron have the last laugh? Are our heroes doomed? Can they get to the bottom of this mystery before they reach the bottom? If not, will this show end early?

Patrol Bird:
Excuse me, sir, but is that your care parked on the admiral's epaulets?

Dangermouse:
Uh... yes it is, Constable.

Patrol Bird:
[Piturbed] "Sergeant" if you don't mind! [Composed now] Would you mind showing me your liscence?

Dangermouse:
Yes of course... Sergeant.

Patrol Bird:
[Reads liscence] Hmmm... well this here... oh! You're name's "Dangermouse"? Oh... haha... well, ah... [cough] Carry on, sir! I'll keep an eye on the car for you!

Dangermouse:
Thank you, Sergeant. [Climbs into Lord Nelson's nose]

Patrol Bird:
Thank you, sir! [to himself] Almost made a booboo there, didn't I?

[Dangermouse, lost in space, stops at an asteroid to ask directions from a guy with a hand for his face]

Dangermouse:
Um... excuse me. Could you tell us, where in the universe, we are?

Hand Face:
HAHA! Boy, you be in The Party Part!

Dangermouse:
[confused] "Party Part"?

Hand Face:
"The Party Part of the Universe"! HAHAHAHA!

Dangermouse:
"Party Part of the Universe"? Never heard of such rubbish.

Penfold:
[a bell rings] Someone's at the door, DM.

Dangermouse:
Well see who it is. [pause] Well?

Penfold:
It's an officer, DM. He gave me this note.

Dangermouse:
Well, what does it say?

Penfold:
Uh..."You have been fined 99 bicycle clips, go directly to jail, do not collect 200 pounds... who's that naughty boy there?"

Dangermouse:
[repeated line]

Dangermouse:
Good grief!

Professor Von Squakenkluck:
To get him g-back I have him first to find mitt ein location locator locator.

Danger Mouse:
Have you got one?

Professor Von Squakenkluck:
Nein.

Danger Mouse:
No, one will do.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[Danger Mouse and Penfold are asleep on their couch] Unceasingly alert for danger, our heroes are even now... eh... training to... see in the dark.

Penfold:
[the video phone alarm goes off] Eh chief, it's Colonel K.

Danger Mouse:
Danger Mouse here, sir.

Colonel K:
Good show, DM. Eh, you're faithful assistant standing by?

Danger Mouse:
Yes sir, he's here.

Colonel K:
Oh well, can't be helped.

Penfold:
Eh?

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[DM is staring into the eyes of a diplodocus] It's two eyes against one. Will the dinosaur go cross-eyed before Danger Mouse is petrified? Can he take cover in it's nostrills? And if so, will that make him a Nostralian? [snickers] Is this the end of Danger Mouse and if so, does anyone need the services of a well spoken announcer?

Danger Mouse:
[as the knight runs off laughing] I thought we weren't going to have canned laughter on this show.

Knight:
Now, Sir Spy, I shall despatch thee.

Danger Mouse:
Ooh, you leave my patch alone!

Knight:
I offer thee me gauntlet!

Danger Mouse:
Oh, no really, thank you, my hands are lovely and warm. [gets hit in the face with the knight's gauntlet]

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[recapping the first two episodes] As Penfold searches hopefully for a policeman, Danger Mouse scouers the skies for Penfold but, pursued by a personatious Pterodactyl, he fights like a dog, 'till he misses a cog and drops like a log into a bog. Then, as darkness falls, so does Penfold, into a pitt. Will he be hit and cooked on a spit? Or has he the wit to do a quick flit? Throw aside your Rubik's cubes and try to untangle episode three of 150 Million Years Lost.

[in medieval times]

Danger Mouse:
This is no place to hang about, Penfold! They're starting a soccer club! [scarpers]

Danger Mouse:
[reporting to K via video phone] I have just brought another tricky assignment to a satisfactory conclusion. The menace of the were-wallobee of Wollamaloo is no more.

Penfold:
[stuck inside a sandstorm] Help! I'm being attacked by something with huge, flapping wings!

Danger Mouse:
Those are my ears, Penfold. And kindly get down from my head.

Penfold:
Yes, chief.

Penfold:
Look, DM. a signpost!

Danger Mouse:
Yes, it may point to the way out of the desert.

Danger Mouse:
[the sign says 'Achtung! Minenfeld] Good grief, we're in a minefield!

Penfold:
[the sign says 'Achtung! Minenfeld] Good grief, we're in a minefield!

Danger Mouse:
[panting] Lucky we had the old crater-escape-pack with us, or we'd [pant] been trapped there forever and we'd [pant] we'd have had to thrown in the towel.

Danger Mouse:
A thousand salams, oh dweller of the desert sands.

Penfold:
And a couple of slices of liver sausage from me, too.

Danger Mouse:
[quietly] Salam, Penfold, salam. Not salami.

Arab:
Salutations, white waverer. May the camel of misfortune never give you the hump.

Danger Mouse:
Hmm. And may the space between your toes never get clogged with sand.

Danger Mouse:
[turns to his assistant] Penfold?

Penfold:
Eh, yes chief?

Danger Mouse:
[quietly] It's customary to say something polite in greeting.

Penfold:
Oh, ehm... may your yashmack stay waterproof and your camel lumpy.

Danger Mouse:
[quieter still] Oh, honestly, Penfold...

Arab:
Oh, you honor me, short goggled one. Would you like to rest, have a date maybe, hm? [holds up a date to eat]

Penfold:
Oh, eh, no thank you, I'm just hopeless with girls.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, shush.

Penfold:
Yes, but I am, I can't help it!

Brave Legionaire:
[French accent] I am a brave Legionair. I joined ze legion to forget.

Penfold:
Forget what?

Brave Legionaire:
I don't know, I've forgotton.

Penfold:
Oh, nice to see things worked out for you.

Penfold:
It's a fierce Bedouin tribesman, isn't it?

Danger Mouse:
It's not Lawrence of Arabia, that's for sure.

Danger Mouse:
Good grief! If I could get loose, this room would have wall to wall frog!

Danger Mouse:
You know, it's put me in the mood for running at top speed in the opposite direction. Eh, would you like to join me, Penfold?

Penfold:
Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Meanwhile... Look, is that all I have to say in this bit? But, I was actually on my tea break.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Then at last. Then at last? Huh! Not much better than 'meanwhile'. I'm sorry, this is ridiculous. I'm going to see someone about this.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, wakey wakey! Time you were getting...

Penfold:
[Penfold rushes past Dangermouse into the bathroom] Morning!

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, why can you only move that fast when you're either beating me to the bathroom or...

Penfold:
[Penfold rushes out again, just as quickly as before] ...when your frightened.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, will you stop leaving footprints on the wallpaper and I'll sort it out.

Penfold:
[a giant spider has just left Dangermouse's pillar-box by crashing throuth a wall] Has it gone?

Danger Mouse:
Yes. Yes, it's gone. [Penfolds sighs a breath of relief]

Penfold:
Trouble is, we're going to get letters posted straight into the master bedroom. Now what are we going to do?

Danger Mouse:
Uhm, we can always re-address them.

Danger Mouse:
Sometimes even I don't believe this...

Stiletto:
Ok, I turn-a the dial the right... I put-a this on here... I move-a this to here... Ok Nero, you're-ah beans on-a toasts are ready!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Six years at the Central School of Drama for a 'Meanwhile'! [sobs]

Danger Mouse:
[during chase] Penfold, bite your own nails.

Danger Mouse:
[the Fangboner is heading straight for DM and Penfold] Steady, steady Penfold, remember, you are British.

Penfold:
Yes, but I'm a coward first.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
And so we come to the end of another load of - of another amazing adventure. But still some mysteries remain unsolved. If Penfold doesn't get his humbugs back, will it mean he's lost his stripes? Is a twenty four hour candy eating contest rock around the clock? And the biggest mystery of all: why do you watch this stuff? Now listen, I'm giving a poetry reading tonight, and don't fade me out, I haven't finished yet. I want you to come get some education. Now please don't fade me! Listen please! I need the money.

Dudley Poyson:
I'll call myself a cab right away! I'm a cab, I'm a cab!

Penfold:
Have you got something clever up your sleeve, D.M.?

Dangermouse:
Only my arm, Penfold, and that's no cleverer than the rest of me.

Penfold:
My knees've gone to jelly!

Dangermouse:
Nonsense, Penfold, jelly doesn't knock like that.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[narrating] A faint speck moves swiftly across the cobalt blue of a perfect summer sky. No, it's a fly walking on my glasses. I'm sorry. No! No, it isn't. Wait, as it comes into focus, my pulse quickens. I should never have tried to eat a half boiled egg in a tight colar. It's Danger Mouse! The world's greatest secret agent and his assistant Penfold, one time winner of the Nobel prize for riding silent bicycles. Returning from yet another civilisation saving mission, the death defying duo plan to take it easy for a while.

Danger Mouse:
The door hasn't been forced. So our villain must have got in through the letter box.

Penfold:
Yes, disguised as an envelope!

Penfold:
But Chief, where does Mac the Fork have his hideout?

Danger Mouse:
I don't know, Penfold, but I can find out from his dimwitted brother, Mac the Spoon.

Danger Mouse:
[pointing his index finger] Alright Mac the Spoon, come out with your hands up.

Penfold:
Oh, DM, you haven't got a gun.

Danger Mouse:
That's alright Penfold, Mac the Spoon hasn't any hands.

Danger Mouse:
Come on, Penfold, where's your backbone?

Penfold:
I put it into the wash with my undies, Chief.

Danger Mouse:
That was too close for comfort.

Penfold:
It was too close for Penfold and all.

Danger Mouse:
Eureka! If that isn't Mac the Fork's transport, I'm a Dutchman.

Penfold:
Cor, Chief, we're still in one piece!

Danger Mouse:
Even better, Penfold, two separate pieces.

Dudley Poyson:
Of course that's the real Penfold, you twit! No one could make a replica that stupid!

Penfold:
Eh?

Mac the Fork:
Dudley, I say we join up!

Dudley Poyson:
Are you proposing marriage?

Mac the Fork:
Don't be absurd! I'm talking business, man!

Baron Silas Greenback:
Now, not even the white wonder can foil my plans. I shall flood the world, and soon the nations will be on their knees for my rubber dinghies at inflated prices.

Danger Mouse:
Those are the alps, Penfold.

Penfold:
Oh.

Danger Mouse:
Full of savage peaks.

Penfold:
Oh, I thought they used St. Bernhards.

Danger Mouse:
[snickers a trifle] Penfold, shush.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
London, home of Dr. L. Witworth-Nut, inventor of the once piece jigsaw and the inflatable anchor. And home too, in Mayfair's smartest pillarbox of the world's smartest secret agent.

Danger Mouse:
[after an exhausting exchange with Colonel K] Hmpf! Who needs adventures when they can talk to Colonel K?

Danger Mouse:
We've got to act quickly.

Penfold:
Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, I did...

Penfold:
[speaking very quickly indeed] To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind...

Danger Mouse:
Penfold?

Penfold:
- to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Danger Mouse:
Penfold?

Penfold:
Or to take up arms against a sea of troubles, [DM sighs loudly]

Penfold:
And by opposing...

Danger Mouse:
Penfold?

Penfold:
What?

Danger Mouse:
Shush!

Penfold:
Oh 'eck.

Danger Mouse:
There's all sorts of animals in the undergrowth.

Penfold:
Oh, 'ech, this is worse than a week with David Attenborough.

Danger Mouse:
Listen, have you seen anyone else here, another traveler?

Hippie Snake:
Little bloke?

Danger Mouse:
Yes.

Hippie Snake:
Wearing specs?

Danger Mouse:
Yes.

Hippie Snake:
Thin on top, collar sticking up, semi-detached eyebrows?

Danger Mouse:
Yes, that's the one.

Hippie Snake:
No, haven't seen him. You could try the Cave of Blood, though, he might have beaten you to it.

Danger Mouse:
Good grief.

Director:
Cue now, sir.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Eh, no.

Director:
No?

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
I'm not doing all that 'London, throbbing city of commerce, culture and crime' ever again. No, if they can't see it's London, they should be swatting up on geography, not lying there spilling crumbs all over the rug and watching this.

Director:
Now look, Isambard.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Mr. Sinclair to you, Sonny-Jim, and once and for all: no.

Danger Mouse:
[to Penfold] Isambard's having another temperament again. We'll have to do it ourselves.

Penfold:
Eh? Oh, oh yes, right.

Danger Mouse:
[having listened in on police radio] So. El Loco in Dreary Lane, eh?

Penfold:
That's where the theaters are, isn't it?

Danger Mouse:
That's right. He'll be going to raid a box office.

Penfold:
So, we'll just look for someone carrying a pile of boxes.

Danger Mouse:
Don't, don't be silly, Penfold, a box office is where they take money.

Penfold:
Oh right, we'll look for someone carrying a pile of money boxes.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, shush.

Penfold:
[has swallowed a jumping bean and keeps jumping up and down] I'm a has-bean!

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] Good heavens, DM, whatever's the matter? Where's that stiff upper lip?

Danger Mouse:
It's gone all floppy, Colonel. And so have I...

Penfold:
I got extra milk from that milkman who looks like El Loco.

Danger Mouse:
El Loco? But our milkman looks like Elton John.

Danger Mouse:
[inside his training wet paper bag] It's no good... I just can't... fight my way out of it.

Penfold:
Oh dear.

Danger Mouse:
[exhausted] Oh, Penfold.

Penfold:
Ah, good morning, milkman. I'm just going to do my exercises.

El Loco:
Ah, si, you run, eh? You swim, you jump...

Penfold:
No, I lift the milk bottles.

El Loco:
Guantanamera, gringo!

Penfold:
No thanks, but we want some on Saturday.

El Loco:
If Saturday ever comes, eh?

Penfold:
Ehm... pardon?

El Loco:
No importan. Hasta la vista!

Penfold:
No, just my pajamas.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
London. And in the soft flow of a waking dawn, a great city begins to stir. While in Mayfair, the milkman prepairs to leave two pints please and no grapefruit juice today under the front step of a Bakerstreet pillarbox.

Penfold:
The Colonel's on the line.

Danger Mouse:
Oh, taken up tight rope walking, has he? [chuckles]

Colonel K:
[on video phone] The fate of Canada is in your hands, DM.

Penfold:
And the feet of DM are in my hands. [laughs]

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, put my boots down, and another thing...

Penfold:
Yes, I know... [throws DM's boot's over his shoulders]

Danger Mouse, Penfold:
Shush.

Danger Mouse:
Bigfoot!

Penfold:
Yeah, isn't it? But the other one's... just the same.

Danger Mouse:
No Penfold, I meant that this giant beast is a bigfoot.

Penfold:
He's got a big leg to match.

Penfold:
Doesn't grass look funny from underneath? [they pop their heads up from under the grass]

Danger Mouse:
I'm sorry Penfold, but your subterranean botanical observations. will have to wait while I apprehend this backwards delinquent.

Penfold:
Right chief, you do that, whatever it means.

Danger Mouse:
Now, as I was saying: time for action!

Penfold:
Ooh, I hope that doesn't mean what I think it means.

Danger Mouse:
Let's get after Bigfoot, Penfold.

Penfold:
Just as I thought, it means exactly what I think I thought it meant.

Bigfoot:
Search me.

Penfold:
Search you? Not likely! Could take years!

Penfold:
I don't suppose by any chance you understand what he said, do you?

Danger Mouse:
Of course I do, Penfold. You know I can speak almost every language ever invented.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Baker Street, London. And behind the stout cardboard walls of a typical Ministry of Defense decoy letterbox, the world's greatest secret agent, and his assistant, the world's most obvious coward, are listening to grave news from their control, Colonel K.

Danger Mouse:
[DM and Penfold are inexplicably bouncing up and down] Wales isn't made of raspberry jelly, is it?

Penfold:
Don't think so, Chief.

Danger Mouse:
It's not subject to earthquakes?

Penfold:
Er, no.

Danger Mouse:
It's as I thought, then.

Penfold:
Er, what's that, chief?

Danger Mouse:
Well this vertical oscillation is the result of the alternating peddle pressure from an approaching Dragoniencis Gigantos.

Penfold:
Oh yes. Is, eh, is that good, DM?

Danger Mouse:
If you like whopping great dragons. Because there's one coming.

Penfold:
[speeds off] Oh, I love whopping great dragons, but only from a long way off!

Danger Mouse:
How can an undersized ersatz dragon like you afford a place like this?

Jones the Dragon:
Well, it's present, see, in it? From me Frogfather, Baron Greenback.

Stiletto:
Hey Barone, what about the dragon?

Baron Silas Greenback:
Well, there's lots of plumbing to be done. We'll keep him on, as a blowlamp.

Penfold:
Oh 'eck, I'm gonna find Colonel K. He might have his teddy bear with him.

Penfold:
[Paws has left Penfold hanging on the antler of a moose's head] Oh 'eck, I'm on my own! I'm on my own!

Moose:
Actually, you're on my antler.

Paws:
I've never really liked the taste of hamster.

Penfold:
No, no, you wouldn't I'm foul. Oh, no, no I'm not a chicken! Oh, no, no I'm not a chicken!

Paws:
If I think of you as a tin of sardines, It'll be alright.

Danger Mouse:
[haning from a parachute] While Paws wathes the car us on the radar, we'll take him unawares. [cut to Paws inside castle Nasty]

Paws:
[laughs] Now, while he thinks I'm wathing him on the radar, I'll catch him on the stairs.

Penfold:
Ehm, would it be unreasonable of me to ask where we are going, chief?

Danger Mouse:
We are going, Penfold, to Castle Nasty, where the Automatic Enemy Detector tells me that Colonel K is being held prisoner.

Danger Mouse:
This egg's a bit on the hard side, Penfold.

Penfold:
Well, perhaps it's mum was a bricklayer, haha!

Danger Mouse:
[Evading a couple of giant chickens] Try not to look like a worm, Penfold.

Penfold:
[being chased by a giant chicken] What kind of a chicken is, do you think?

Danger Mouse:
Has it got two wires coming out of it's head?

Penfold:
Eh, no.

Danger Mouse:
It's not a battery chicken then.

Danger Mouse:
What's gone?

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] New wonder drug. Makes things grow. Foreign chappy was showing it at a conference and 'poof'.

Penfold:
'Poof', sir?

Colonel K:
Yes Penfold, 'poof'.

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] Good show, DM. Got a problem only you can solve.

Danger Mouse:
But I put new batteries in your video game last week sir.

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] No, no, no, worse than that.

Danger Mouse:
Good grief, sir.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[narrating] And so Danger Mouse, guardian of freedom, makes his way to the most mysterious area of ocean on Earth. In persuit of the black heart that would rule the world by fear.

Danger Mouse:
[addressing Dr. Zock but thinking it's Greenback in disguise] Look friend, I speak 34 languages fluently. But gibberish isn't one of them.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, you're a genius.

Penfold:
Oh, I don't know.

Danger Mouse:
Well, you must have caught it from me.

Danger Mouse:
[to big blue blob monster from outer space] Sorry, you'll have to excuse him, he's allergic to monsters. Come to think of it, so am I!

Penfold:
[DM has fainted] Oh crumbs, wake up, DM, please! Oh crumbs, we've got another adventure next week! Danger Mouse, you don't want Colonel K to see you like this.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[narrating] How long will Danger Mouse be out? How long can Penfold cope without him? How long is a piece of string? Has Greenback gone forever? What has the strange Dr. Zock got in store for him? Will the person who took my bicycle pump please return it. For the answer to these questions and some that shouldn't be answered, tune in next time, for another exciting adventure of the world's greatest everything, Danger Mouse.

Danger Mouse:
[Danger Mouse is waiting for Penfold to have his picture taken] I could have saved the world two or three times while you've been in there.

Stiletto:
[laughs ominously] It is I, Stiletto, who has-a the photographicals. I, the world's-a henchiest-a henchman. Now I will conduct them to il Barone to the work which is-a dirty.

Baron Silas Greenback:
Any moment now that hand-knitted ninconpoop will turn into a kung fu killer.

Danger Mouse:
Good grief! I do believe his mind's been taken over. Wonder how they found it?

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Do any of you know how much professional pride it costs me to introduce this lunacy? Do any of you care? Have you bothered to dry any of those dishes yet? Did you take your mucky shoes off before you flopped down in front of the television set? Can't you find anything better to do, eh? eh? What about your homework? Do you want to get on in the world? Or do you think your mother are going to keep you forever? I suppose you'll be looking out for the next amazing adventure of Dangermouse.

Danger Mouse:
Yes, very nice of them to honor me like this.

Penfold:
Oh yes.

Danger Mouse:
Hm, I mean, I can't really help being brave, handsome and super intelligent.

Danger Mouse:
No, me neither.

Penfold:
Ne- what?

Danger Mouse:
[taking a sightseeing tour of New York] Penfold, we are not going up there in a lift.

Penfold:
Oh, oh, aren't we?

Danger Mouse:
No, we're going up in an elevator.

Penfold:
That's just the same thing as a lift, isn't, innit!

Danger Mouse:
No, not in New York it isn't,

Penfold:
Oh yes?

Danger Mouse:
Hm, I think a lift here is what you put your shoes on with.

Penfold:
Well I put mine on with me socks and I'm still not going up in it.

Doctor Augustus P. Crumhorn III posing as a cute little girl:
Oh please... brave, kind uncle Danger Mouse?

Penfold:
Yes, please, only leave cowardly, mean uncle Penfold here.

Danger Mouse:
Don't be silly, Penfold.

Colonel K:
[on video phone] And jolly nice postcard out of the Big Pear.

Danger Mouse:
Big Apple, colonel.

Colonel K:
Oh, no thanks, just had me lunch.

Penfold:
Oh, where are we, Chief?

Danger Mouse:
Flat on our faces, Penfold.

Penfold:
Ow.

Danger Mouse:
[DM and Penfold are drowning in custard] You think you can manage all that, Penfold?

Penfold:
[eating frantically] I don't mind seconds, but this is ridiculous.

Danger Mouse:
[DM has just won a real live game of Space invaders] Got it. Let's go.

Penfold:
But Chief, you've won a free game.

Danger Mouse:
I'll leave that to our one eyed friends.

Danger Mouse:
I can't think what they'll do with 99 bicycle clips. Eh, by the way, have we got 99 bicycle clips?

Penfold:
Eh, we've got eh, we've got 3, chief. Do you think that will do?

Danger Mouse:
Hardly.

Penfold:
Ere, perhaps when they said 'bicycle clip', they met toothbrushes?

Danger Mouse:
Yes, may... Penfold, you're pottier than they are!

Danger Mouse:
Right Penfold, I'm ready to dictate the next chapter of my remarkable live story. My goodness. It has it's ups and downs, eh, Penfold?

Penfold:
Yes, Chief [being bounced up and down like a ball by the Custard Mite of Glut]

Penfold:
Chief?

Danger Mouse:
Yes, Penfold?

Penfold:
You know the super secret secret ray?

Danger Mouse:
Yes, the super secret secret ray?

Penfold:
It's not here.

Danger Mouse:
Oh, it's not h... WHAT? WHERE IS IT?

Penfold:
You promised you wouldn't shout...

Danger Mouse:
I WOULDN'T AND I'M NOT, NOW WHERE IS IT?

Danger Mouse:
Look, who's at the back of this racket?

Foreman:
I'm not at liberty to say, sir. [turns round, revealing a company name on the back of his jacket] Right, get ready to haul that concrete!

Danger Mouse:
[reading the logo on the jacket] Greenback Construction company. Aha, so that's who's at the jack of this bucket. Eh, back of this jacket, racket. I should have known.

Penfold:
Well I told you to read the script.

Baron Silas Greenback:
This document gives it's owner the legal right to build anything, anywhere in the whole of Europe.

Danger Mouse:
Where did you get that document?

Baron Silas Greenback:
It fell off the back of a safe in the Medici Museum.

Danger Mouse:
I thought as much. But why a motorway? Why Venice?

Baron Silas Greenback:
Not just motorways, not just Venice. But carparks, shopping precincts, roundabouts, fly-overs in every city in Europe!

Danger Mouse:
You fiend! You'll ruin them. No one would... well no one would ever want to visit them.

Baron Silas Greenback:
Ah, this time you have it.

Stiletto:
Si, this time you have it.

Danger Mouse:
But why?

Baron Silas Greenback:
Because then, you witless one-eyed washout, every tourist in the world will be forced to visit my museum.

Danger Mouse:
Your museum?

Baron Silas Greenback:
The Greenback museum of Barry Mannilow record sleeves.

Danger Mouse:
You fiend. You would bring the world to it's knees.

Penfold:
[climbing out of a canal] Cor, oof, aw. Rotten old fish. What am I gonna tell the Chief? Where am I gonna find the Chief? I suppose I should have read the script too.

Penfold:
Chief, isn't the Orient Express that train where people disappear and get, get you know, cor, you know...

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, you've been watching too many films about secret agents.

Penfold:
Have I got time to buy the Assistant's Secret Agents Weekly, DM? I haven't got anything to read.

Baron Silas Greenback:
Little does he know that I hired the Orient Express for the Euro Master Crooks convention in Paris. Now the crooks will get the White Wonder and the Hopeless Hamster and I will get my manuscript back.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[narrating] And so the Orient Express thunders on. Crossing from... ehm... Eh, the, the brown bit to, to, the, eh, eh, pink bit.

Danger Mouse:
Look at that shade of pink, [takes a deep breath] It's breathtaking. Isn't it exciting, Penfold?

Penfold:
[reading Chuckles Weekly] Not half, Chief. Sidney the Spider's at it again, hah!

Penfold:
I'm going to stretch my legs, Chief.

Danger Mouse:
Alright, shorty. [chortles at his little joke]

Penfold:
[looks at DM, then slowly closes the door] I do hope he's alright.

Danger Mouse:
[DM and Penfold are tied to the sails of a windmill] Lovely day for a sail.

Penfold:
Pardon?

Danger Mouse:
Never mind. Just hang on and I'll get us out of this.

Penfold:
Hang on? Ooh, do I have a choice?

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[narrating] And so ends another rib-tickling, spine-tingling, nail-biting, kneecap-rattling adventure of... of... eh... Oh dear, whatshisname?

Baron Silas Greenback:
Gentlemen,

[cackles]

Baron Silas Greenback:
I, I shall start this evil doers annual meeting with the usual formal introductions. On my extreme right, spokesman for the river rogues of the everglades, Big Al E. Gator.

[Al laughs]

Baron Silas Greenback:
On his left, banana smuggler and coconut counterfeiter Grunt Grunt Grogan.

[Grogan grunts twice]

Baron Silas Greenback:
On my left, our old friend, that vain, violent, vicious and villainous vagabond vulture, Joe Jibs the highjack genius.

[Joe cackles]

Baron Silas Greenback:
And last, but nog least, Short Fuse Fagan, the meanest bulldog ever to blow a safe.

Short-fuse Fagin:
Yeah, right!

Danger Mouse:
Oh, Penfold, this time keep clear of the crocodile.

Penfold:
Crocodile? What crocodile?

Danger Mouse:
The big green one with the sharp teeth that tries to eat you in episode four.

Penfold:
Oh 'eck!

Baron Silas Greenback:
Don't worry, gentlemen. It's cabaret time. I shall begin my performance as emperor of the world with the execution of Danger Mouse. [the Baron and his evil henchmen start laughing]

[Penfold falls through the air; the scene freezes for the end of the episode]

Narrator:
Will it be Penfold nil: Isaac Newton 1? Or can the brave assistant break the laws of gravity? To find out tune in to the next exiting episode of 'Danger Mouse Saves the World... Again'. - Or five minutes of blank screen if he can't!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Good grief! is Greenback going to reduce our here to a pile of cinders? Or will his finger get cramp from pushing all those buttons?

Danger Mouse:
A scream of cowardly terror. Ah, must be Penfold.

Danger Mouse:
[Danger Mouse and Penfold are trapped in a room full of explosives and being watched by Greenback on viewscreen] Fiend! You black hearted, no good, monstrous, evil scheming, traitorous megalomaniacal misfit!

Baron Silas Greenback:
Oh, pitty, but flattery won't safe you.

Baron Silas Greenback:
[laughs] Oh, my dear Nero what fun, he'll never last another episode. Every weapon we have is programmed to seek and destroy him. [more laughter as Nero joins in]

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Deep within the pacific island stronghold of Baron Silas Greenback, top agent Danger Mouse and his faithful assistant Penfold fight incredible odds in their attempt to thwart the baron who plans to destroy every signpost in existence. Thus releasing chaos and terror and enabling him to rule the world. In the struggle our heroes have been smashed up, leapt down, jumped on, kept in the dark, illuminated, bashed and brainwashed, tied up and snapped at. And all this to entertain the baron's evil guests. But the villains suddenly take their leave as Danger Mouse snatches Penfold and looks like winning. Greenback in a fury and an ill-fitting beige three piece suit strikes back by re-snatching Penfold and making things hot for Danger Mouse. So the titanic struggle goes on, leaving only one last episode in which Danger Mouse saves the world again - if we're lucky.

Penfold:
[the demon has caught up with them again] Oh crumbs! Oh carrots!

Danger Mouse:
Lunch will have to wait.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Can our heroes survive this sudden and serious shortage of a substantial surface to stand on?

Danger Mouse:
Now look here, sunshine!

Demon from the Fourth Dimension:
What?

Danger Mouse:
I hope you're a fully paid up member of the 4-D union.

Penfold:
4-D union?

Demon from the Fourth Dimension:
Yes, the Union of the Diabolically Delinquent Dimensional Demons.

Demon from the Fourth Dimension:
You mean the 4-D union that's affiliated to the G.G.G. whaaaa?

Penfold:
Pardon?

Danger Mouse:
Gremlins, Ghouls, Ghosts and things that go whaaaaaaooh in the night. Precisely.

Demon from the Fourth Dimension:
Of course I'm a fully paid up member. So what?

Danger Mouse:
Can I remind you of rule 4 brackets B paraph 57 section A sub para 3-D?

Danger Mouse:
[the demon stutters] Which clearly states that any victims not destroyed by the end of episode 4 have to be returned to their own dimension, or...

Demon from the Fourth Dimension:
Or, or what?

Danger Mouse:
Or your powers are revoked by the boss demon.

Demon from the Fourth Dimension:
Oh no, oh no, not him, he's a nasty bogeyman!

Danger Mouse:
Oh yes. Well, this is the end of episode 4...

Danger Mouse:
Sometimes, Penfold, I wish we was just drawing the cartoons, not starring in them.

Danger Mouse:
[Penfold is accidentally sliding down a pole, DM follows] Very enterprising, Penfold, but I'm the hero. You're supposed to follow meeeeeeeeeeeee...

Danger Mouse:
Just as well we had a spare car, Penfold. The buses on this route are alway late.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
It was a bad day for Penfold when he opened his boss' front door to find a Demon from the Fourth Dimension where the coconut matting should have been. But before he could hand in his notice, Danger Mouse dragged him in pursuit of a threat to mankind. They had almost given up hope of finding the demon, when the demon found them. And Danger Mouse lost his car. Two seconds later, his head went after the car while his body kept Penfold company.

Danger Mouse:
I'm finished. The world despises me. I might as well go home and write my resignation. [walks off with a sigh]

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Is this really the end of Danger Mouse? Has the white flash turned yellow? Will he hang up his eyepatch forever? And is the Demon from the Fourth Dimension waiting in the wings? Tune in for the next incredible, and I do mean that, adventure of Danger Mouse in 'Demon's Aren't Dull.

Danger Mouse:
[inside bathroom] I say, Penfold? Why is my rubber duck full of water?

Danger Mouse:
[makes squashy noise] Penfold, you've been using it as a water pistol again. Penfold? Penfold?

Penfold:
[outside bathroom] Yes, DM, what is it?

Danger Mouse:
Do you know my rubber duck's full of water?

Penfold:
No, but if you hum it, I'll join in on the second chorus.

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] Ah, DM. Good show. Something funny just happened.

Danger Mouse:
Funny peculiar or funny ha ha, Colonel?

Colonel K:
Bit of both.

Baron Silas Greenback:
Soon my tickling taskforce can start a reign of terror that will bring the city to it's knees. Then...

Stiletto:
GB rules OK!

Danger Mouse:
[climbing Nelson's Column] Come on, Penfold!

Penfold:
Hang on, chief, I've never climbed up an admiral before.

Danger Mouse:
Alright, your tickling days are over, Baron!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Spain. Home of Marbella, Paella and that funny fella, the garlic seller. And here, beneath a darkening sky, we find - thank goodness for that - Danger Mouse the dashingly daring and Penfold the pathetically petrified.

Don Coyote:
Silence, Sancho Penfold.

Penfold:
I am not Sancho, I am Ernest.

Don Coyote:
Silence.

Penfold:
Chief, chief, help!

Don Coyote:
Penfold?

Penfold:
What?

Don Coyote:
Shush.

Don Coyote:
You must stay and fight, Sancho.

Penfold:
Ernest!

Don Coyote:
Yes, earnest you must!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[narrating] Duckula meets Frankenstoat. Or... Frankenstoat meets Duckula. Or... Frankenstoat and Duckula meet Dangermouse and Penfold. Or... Penfold and Duckula meet Frankenstoat. Or...

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[narrating] ?ndergargle, entranching winter sport center of the Bayonese alps. Lofty snowcapped mountains which take their name from the short trousered locals. [starts yodeling] I, uhm, sorry. It is here that Danger Mouse, stouthearted etc etc, and Penfold, his hamsterhearted chicken assistant...

Penfold:
Eh?

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
His chickenhearted hamster assistant is enjoying a holiday, aski.

Penfold:
He's enjoying a holiday aski. My holiday's all askew.

Danger Mouse:
I know, so are your skis.

Danger Mouse:
Eh, do you know you've got your left ski on your right foot?

Penfold:
[muffled by snow] I didn't know there was a left and a right.

Danger Mouse:
And you've got somebody else's ski on your left foot.

Penfold:
Oh, 'eck.

Danger Mouse:
Probably that chap over there, the one on the stretcher.

Penfold:
Ooh, crumbs!

Agent 14:
What a stiff upper lip. What ice-cold nerve. And Danger Mouse was pretty cool too.

Danger Mouse:
I mean, Count Duckula, that you are caught in the act.

Count Duckula:
Yes, Act IV scene III, actually.

Danger Mouse:
Well, it's curtains for you.

Penfold:
So, all that stands between the world and a terrifying swarm of bloodsucking mechanical vampire bats is that start button.

Danger Mouse:
Hm? Which start button?

Penfold:
This start button. [pushes it]

Count Duckula:
Ah, the bats that go poof in the night.

Frankenstoat:
The game is far from up.

Penfold:
I don't think I know a game called 'Far From Up'.

Danger Mouse:
Now, will you get us a car?

Penfold:
No, I'm sulking.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold...

Penfold:
Sulk, sulk, sulk sulk.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[narrating] And so, hopefully, ends yet another adventure featuring our fearless friends frightning the frightful fiends who freaten... sorry, sorry, threaten the peaceful citizens of this mighty metropolis. The once financial hub of the world, with... I've just said that. Sorry, are we starting the script all over again? Eh, do you realize that? Sorry, if I, if I do this, I mean I'm, I'm going to spend the rest of my life, eh, you know, just going round in circles.

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] Reports flooding in that every cuppa in the land's gone off.

Danger Mouse:
Good grief!

Colonel K:
Country's grinding to a standstill! Civil service's gone totally uncivil. Plummers standing weeping in the streets, long distance lorry drivers refusing to budge. Country's in chaos, DM, absolute, bally chaos!

Baron Silas Greenback:
Stiletto?

Stiletto:
Si, Barone?

Baron Silas Greenback:
What's the latest radio reports?

Stiletto:
Every factory is shut is-a closed, Barone. No tea breaks, so no workings.

Baron Silas Greenback:
Splendid, it's a total calami-tea. [Stiletto laughs]

Baron Silas Greenback:
I shall rule the world, I guaren-tea!

Danger Mouse:
[DM spots a flying Teapot] Good grief! I've heard of flying saucers, but this is ridiculous!

Danger Mouse:
Uh uh, we're in trouble again.

Penfold:
Why, chief?

Danger Mouse:
It's tea time.

Penfold:
Is that bad, chief?

Danger Mouse:
Yes it is, when it's gravity.

Danger Mouse:
[reporting to Colonel K] We used the frisbee effect.

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] Frisbee effect?

Danger Mouse:
Yes, sir. I detached the lid, popped Penfold aboard and chucked it Earthwards and I hopped on.

Colonel K:
I'm not sure that that makes sense, DM.

Danger Mouse:
Well it is a cartoon, sir.

Ernest Penfold:
Crumbs, I got me ears on the wrong side of me head!

Danger Mouse:
[to Stiletto] Not yeti, spaghethi.

Stiletto:
I win-a the prize, Barone.

Danger Mouse:
You and who's army, salami?

Danger Mouse:
You don't frighten me, Greenback. I am cast in a heroic mode.

Danger Mouse:
[Dangermouse has been molded into a ball] You really get a kick out of being unpleasant, don't you?

Baron Silas Greenback:
And I'm not the only one!

[a mechanical leg kicks Dangermouse]

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Is this the beginning of the end for Danger Mouse or only the end of the beginning? Or is it three quarters plus a little tiny bit of somewhere around the middle? Write your answers on a sliced loaf and tune in two the next enthralling installment of 'Four Heads Are Better than Two' with Danger Mouse.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Colonel K's backroom boffins have cunningly created a duplicate Danger Mouse. And a parallel Penfold. Thus doubling the daring duo to make it the fearsome foursome. But the robot rodents react erratically, causing chaos and creating confusion.

Danger Mouse:
[having been trampled by the mechanical Penfold] It's nearly as bad as the real thing.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Thanks to the evil toad's plan, D.M. is on the spot. But wil he be shot or not? You've got to watch episode 3 of 'Four Heads are Better than Two', that's what!

Danger Mouse:
[reporting to Colonel K] And he simply went off, pop, Colonel.

Colonel K:
[on video phone] Yes, remarkable. I went off pop when I was about 14. Went in for Dandylion and Birdoff, don't you know.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, I've got it. I've switched the machine off, everything's alright.

Penfold:
[hanging by a thread] Ooh, don't you mean everything's all left, chief?

Danger Mouse:
Don't tell me that this is the work of that age-old enemy of mankind...

Penfold:
Well I don't know, DM, but we could ask that bloke back there with the three eyes.

Danger Mouse:
Bloke with three eyes? [turns around] Ai ai ai! It's him! Run for it!

Penfold:
Oh crumbs!

Danger Mouse:
It doesn't make sense.

Penfold:
Hm, none of our adventures make sense, DM.

Danger Mouse:
That Penfold, is not the point.

Colonel K:
Look DM, there's been no sign of sunshine for six days, and it's getting worse by the second. The day shift's refusing to go to work, and Herod's is sold out of nightshirts!

Danger Mouse:
Good grief.

Penfold:
Oh, heck. No horrifying dangers to overcome. No slobbering monsters to fight, what am I going to do with myself? I know, I'll embroid me innicials on me jimjams.

Danger Mouse:
[under attack by a three headed dragon in their own pillarbox] Quick, Penfold, get the fire extinguishers!

Penfold:
Crumbs, chief, I've never seen any fire extinguishers in this place.

Danger Mouse:
Look, Penfold, if we haven't got any, this episode is going to under run by five minutes.

Baron Silas Greenback:
Excellent. The brainwashed colonel has send his greatest agent to his doom. And when that dim-witted desperately deluded duo reach the end of their wild goose chase. They will discover, the wildest, wickedest goose the world has ever seen.

Baron Silas Greenback:
[Nero makes a noise that vaguely sounds like a question] Not just eggs, my dear, egg-splotions. [both laugh evilly]

Danger Mouse:
Aha, I'm picking up a signal on the 15 mega-hertz band.

Penfold:
Well I quite like the Rolling Stones.

Danger Mouse:
Will you shush, Penfold?

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] What's wrong with Penfold?

Danger Mouse:
You mean apart from his usual incompetence, inadequasy and lack of courage?

Penfold:
'Ere, there's nothing usual about my incompetence, inadequasy and lack of courage!

Danger Mouse:
Ah, there you are.

Penfold:
If a shark eats me, I shall never speak to you again!

Danger Mouse:
You're saving the world, Penfold!

Penfold:
[sarcastically] Oh goody, oh 'eck!

Doctor Augustus P. Crumhorn III:
I must just adjust the adjustment adjuster.

Doctor Augustus P. Crumhorn III:
Now Dangermouse is doomed. And with him, hahaha, the world! Hahahaha!

Penfold:
[DM is pulling up Penfold by his ears] Aw! My ears, you're hurting my ears.

Danger Mouse:
I could hold on to your eyebrows.

Penfold:
Hang on to my ears! Hang on to my ears!

Danger Mouse:
Look, there's an ice flow.

Penfold:
Oh, goody! Can we land here then?

Danger Mouse:
What for, Penfold?

Penfold:
Well, I'd like to meet Nice Flo. [laughs]

Danger Mouse:
You don't laugh at mine, I won't laugh at yours.

Danger Mouse:
It's the bad-buy-scanner.

Penfold:
Oh 'eck.

Danger Mouse:
Yeah, and it's set in the toad-mode.

Penfold:
Oh 'eck, oh crumbs!

Penfold:
We are the first ever to reach the East Pole!

Danger Mouse:
No, Penfold, we...

Penfold:
I claim this land in the name of Penfold the first!

Danger Mouse:
Penfold... [gathering snow into a snowball]

Penfold:
Yes, Penfold the first. And I name it: Penfoldania, aft... [gets hit by DM's snowball]

Penfold:
Well, that's the last time I stand behind anyone wearing a white suit in the snow.

Penfold:
Shooting star, shining bright, I'd like a wish if that's alright. Oh little star in the ink black heaven...

Danger Mouse:
it, Penfold, that's a 747. [snickers]

Danger Mouse:
Well, well, well.

Penfold:
What is it, Dangermouse?

Danger Mouse:
It's an anti gravity rotation retarder of some sort.

Penfold:
Come again?

Penfold:
A set of brakes, Penfold. This thing is slowing the world down. And there's very little I can do.

Penfold:
Crikey, oh heck.

Danger Mouse:
Apart from turn it off. [laughs] I had you going there, Penfold, didn't I, eh?

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
In this world of strife and mistrust, villainy and intrigue, there is one individual who shines out above all others as a symbol of honesty and justice. His name: Dangermouse. His task: to keep back the malevolent evil doers who strive to bring everyone under there oppressive evil. And there he is, with his faithful assistant Penfold, returning home from another successful mission, carrying the praise and thanks of those he has helped.

Penfold:
What are you gonna do with it, Dangermouse?

Danger Mouse:
I don't know, honestly, when they said they wanted to give me something, I was hoping it would be a medal, not a blooming great teddy bear.

Penfold:
Nice though, innit?

Danger Mouse:
Yes he is rather cute, eh no no, we can't keep him. He'll have to stay at the zoo with my elephant.

Penfold:
And your tiger...

Danger Mouse:
Yes.

Penfold:
And your three toed sloth...

Danger Mouse:
Right.

Penfold:
And your Mongolian wild mule...

Danger Mouse:
Yes, all right Penfold, I know how many of them there are.

Penfold:
Sorry DM.

Danger Mouse:
That's ok, Penfold, it's just that, well, medals would be easier to look after.

Danger Mouse:
[after crashlanding the Mark 3 at the North Pole, flattening it in the process] I hope you're impressed.

Penfold:
I'm really more sort of trouser-pressed, chief.

Danger Mouse:
[about the monstrous enzyme] It likes everything to be right, white? Eh no, white, right?

Penfold:
Eeeh, yes?

Danger Mouse:
So, I'll lead it to where everything's white, right?

Penfold:
You don't mean the laundromat in the Highstreet?

Danger Mouse:
Absolutely correct, Penfold. I don't mean the laundromat in the highstreet.

Danger Mouse:
Well done. You might get promoted to hero second class for this.

Penfold:
Oh 'eck, and I've just paid me subs to the Cowards Congress.

Penfold:
My tie! It's gone white. Ruined it. Ruined it! That was my MCC tie as well.

Danger Mouse:
Oh what, you're Marylebone Cricket Club?

Penfold:
No, Member of a Cowards Congress.

Danger Mouse:
But you never go to their meetings.

Penfold:
Well, I'm scared of all those people.

Danger Mouse:
Oh, I see.

Penfold:
[Penfold is hiding under his seat in the Mark 3] Any sign of the baron, chief?

Danger Mouse:
Doesn't seem to be, Penfold.

Penfold:
Ah, right. [pops up] Right Greenback, you miserable coward! [rolls eyes] Oh what a pitty. Where is Baron Greenback and his henchman Stiletto?

Stiletto:
[thinly disguised with a fake red beard] I don't-a know, Senor. I am-a just-a the caretaker.

Danger Mouse:
Curses. Slipped through our paws.

Penfold:
Oh blow. No courageous struggles. Well, I'll get back to a bit of embroidery then.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, this is not the time to practice being calm in the face of danger.

Penfold:
Well what shall we do, chief?

Danger Mouse:
Do what you're trained to do.

Penfold:
Ah!

Danger Mouse, Penfold:
Panic!

Danger Mouse:
[to himself] I wonder if I could escape to another series...

Danger Mouse:
[facing a door with the letters CHMFFG] It stands for Car Holding Magnetic Force Field Generator.

Penfold:
Cor, how did you know that?

Danger Mouse:
Hm. I read the script.

Penfold:
Ow, naughty Danger Mouse!

Danger Mouse:
Quick, that bottle of camphorated oil you keep in the glove compartment.

Penfold:
Well, that's for rubbing my chest with.

Danger Mouse:
Yes, I know. Pour it into the fuel additive inlet.

Penfold:
Pour it - and what if I get the sneezes?

Danger Mouse:
Yes, what if you get thrown out of the series?

Penfold:
Oh, alright then.

Penfold:
What's that?

Danger Mouse:
It's alright, Penfold it'll just be Colonel K with some mind boggling mystery for me to solve.

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] Ah, good show, DM. Got a mind boggling mystery for you to solve.

Danger Mouse:
I'm all ears, Colonel.

Colonel K:
Well, none of us are perfect, DM.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Enter the villain. Baron Silas Greenback, the world's most evil toad and the mastermind behind the evil plan to reduce the world's population of elephants to a bowl full of sugarcubes.

Danger Mouse:
[on top of an elephant] Quick! Follow that Penfold.

Penfold:
[swinging through jungle on vines] Me Penfold Me Lord of the Jungle Me [smashes into a tree with a biff]... in great pain.

Penfold:
Cor, I've heard of taking a trunk up in a lift, but never a lift up in a trunk.

Penfold:
Cor, 'eck, ooh 'eck! An uran utang! They don't eat assistant secret agents do they?

Witch Doctor:
You know secret of walking on air?

Danger Mouse:
Of course I don't know the secret of walking on air.

Witch Doctor:
Tough luck. [zoom out to reveal both of them have walked off a cliff and are standing on thin air]

Witch Doctor:
[DM has survived a flame attack thanks to the badge on his chest] I knew the old titanium aloy badge would come in handy one day.

Witch Doctor:
Oh, you rotten fire proof rodent!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[Penfold, not Dangermouse has saved the day] Will the show have to retitled Danger-fold? Oh dear, oh dear, surely the poor public can't take much more of this... But for those who think they can, tune in and test your strenght on the next amazing adventure of Danger Mouse. Er, sorry. Pen Mouse. No, Super Shorty. Eh, what about Tubby Terrific or the Daredevil Dumpy. [laughs spitefully] Or Fearless Bionic Boltlet. Mighty Midget! [more laughter] Oh, God, I can't take much more of this, let me out!

Danger Mouse:
Ah, well. We've penetrated the impenetrable jungle, Penfold. Now I'll have to scale the unscalable cliff.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Dangermouse, the world's greatest secret agent and Penfold, his hopeless helpmate are returning to the Mayfair pillar box that they call home. Except on its birthday, when they call it 'Timmykins'.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
With pale faces and red rimmed eyes, well three red rimmed eyes and one red rimmed eyepatch, they back into the concealed garage and catch the first sofa up to H.Q.

Danger Mouse:
I bet that villain Greenback is at the back of this, Penfold. His latest location should have been programmed into the evil-doer detection device. Now just switch to the terrible toad mode, and...[car zooms off]

Penfold:
[DM has overpowered the mutinous telephone] Cor, he must be the ring-leader.

Danger Mouse:
[snickers] Ringleader! You complain about the jokes. Now we got to find out who's behind all this.

Penfold:
Yeah, but how?

Danger Mouse:
Simple, Penfold. I'll just dial 163 for a talking confession.

Danger Mouse:
[listening to talking confession] Good grief!

Penfold:
Engaged?

Danger Mouse:
Leave Fifi out of this.

Mega-Brain:
Ah, a worshiper.

Danger Mouse:
Worshiper?

Mega-Brain:
You are wize to prostrate yourself before my 500 megabyte floppies.

Danger Mouse:
I beg your pardon?

Mega-Brain:
You have brought a RAM pack as sacrifice to me?

Danger Mouse:
Ehm, no, no, not exactly. I've got a pretty sheepish assistant, though.

Penfold:
[looking for Ticklehiposis] There's one.

Danger Mouse:
Where?

Penfold:
It's looking at the trousers in that men's wear shop.

Danger Mouse:
Now have you got it? You put your leg out and wave it around a bit...

Penfold:
Ooh...

Danger Mouse:
...and any Ticklehiposis that see it are bound to run up your trouser leg.

Penfold:
Well why don't you have them run up your trouser legs?

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, don't be silly. I haven't got any trouser legs.

Penfold:
Oooh, no, I never noticed before. 'Ere, how do you manage to...

Danger Mouse:
Look, stop asking silly questions and get on with it, will you?

Danger Mouse:
Good grief, sir, Baron Greenback wants to meet me under a flag of truce?

Penfold:
Aw, isn't that nice?

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] Wants to meet both of you. Penfold too.

Penfold:
Oh. On second thought, it could be a trap.

Danger Mouse:
Where's the rendezvous, Colonel?

Colonel K:
Ah. Hasn't come back from the cleaners yet. But he wants to at the old deserted fun fair on the outskirts of Willesden Green.

Danger Mouse:
Oh, that should be fun.

Penfold:
But I bet it won't be fair.

Baron Silas Greenback:
[laughs evilly] Another stroke of genius on my part to arrange a meeting at the funfair, Stilleto.

Stiletto:
[chuckles politely] Si, Barone. How's-a that, Barone?

Baron Silas Greenback:
Because it's going to be fun, it certainly won't be fair.

Stiletto:
[Stiletto clears his throat] You're not laughing, Stiletto [Nero grunts] Why aren't you laughing?

Baron Silas Greenback:
Hmm, I think-a that I heard it before

Baron Silas Greenback:
My patent GB funfair finding, appointment keeping, mouse seeking, Thrissile missile must be there on the dot.

Stiletto:
Which-a dot, Barone?

Baron Silas Greenback:
The dot with the white suit and the eyepatch, stupid.

Danger Mouse:
[to Nero] Right, you hand-knitted nuisance, leave my assistant alone.

Penfold:
I'm very popular, Chief. I've got a fanclub in Willesden Green with nearly four members. And I'm starting another one. I mean another one's starting in Barnsley if I can get to Barnsley.

Danger Mouse:
Yes, four member of your fanclub: two goldfish, a cat and a golf ball. That is, does not make in my estimation a fan club.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
His name is Very Little John. Known to his friends as Very Little Anything At All John. But in good faith, his name is verily, Little John.

Penfold:
It is not. Verily's a girl's name.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
It's all gone medieval. Oh gosh. When I said 12.15, I meant 12.15 pm, not 1215 A.D.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
London. And flying low over the Willesden Green underground lighthouse, Danger Mouse, the world's greatest detective and Penfold, bronze medal winner in the Penfold lookalike competition, are returning succesfully from yet another world saving mission.

Penfold:
Aah! I've been shot! [moans exceedingly]

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, it was just the announcer slamming the door.

Penfold:
Oh. Oh was it? Cor, thank goodness for that!

Danger Mouse:
Honestly...

Penfold:
[the Mark 3 exits the secret pillarbox headquarters through the usual opening in the pavement] And one of these days someone will be parked there.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, shush.

Penfold:
Do you, do you know each other?

Danger Mouse:
Yeah. Well, Major Melvin used to be my batman.

Mad Major Melvin:
Best batman you ever had, eh, DM?

Danger Mouse:
No, just the battiest. [they laugh it up]

Penfold:
Chief?

Danger Mouse:
Yes, Penfold?

Penfold:
Do you think Hannibal Hogarty will be on our tail?

Mad Major Melvin:
Not a chance, Penfold. Too many elephants on his. [laughs at his own joke]

Danger Mouse:
Besides, they're bound to leave him now that he's fallen down a hole.

Penfold:
Why is that?

Danger Mouse:
Well, because he's just a crushing boar.

Penfold:
I knew I shouldn't have asked. [all three laugh]

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] Rover, outer and lodge.

Danger Mouse:
Yes sir.

Penfold Transformer:
Roger.

Danger Mouse:
Over.

Penfold Transformer:
And out.

Penfold:
You rotter, you'll never get away with it! Greenback never did.

Doctor Augustus P. Crumhorn III:
Greenback is a fat, feckless fool. But I, I Aloisius Julian Philibert Elphinstone Eugene Dionysis Barry Manilow Crumhorn...

Penfold:
Coo, no wonder he turned to crime. Fancy being called Barry!

Doctor Augustus P. Crumhorn III:
[continues]... I shall destroy Danger Mouse and rule the world!

Doctor Augustus P. Crumhorn III:
Oh 'eck!

Danger Mouse:
You're not saying 'Oh 'eck' as much as you usually do, Penfold.

Penfold Transformer:
No, Chief.

Colonel K:
[incoming message on viewscreen] Hello, hello? Come in, Danger Mouse.

Danger Mouse:
Danger Mouse here, Colonel.

Colonel K:
What? Where's that?

Danger Mouse:
Here Colonel, in the Mark 3, in flight.

Colonel K:
But how can you come in when you're out there?

Danger Mouse:
Sorry Colonel?

Colonel K:
Must have been someone else at the door. Milkman, I dare say.

Danger Mouse:
Is there something you wanted to say, Colonel?

Colonel K:
Yes, by Jove: two pints every morning and a...

Danger Mouse:
No, Colonel, anything about Greenback's HQ?

Colonel K:
Great Scott, DM, I don't tell a milkman things like that!

Stiletto:
[disguised as Penfold] Hey, your-a me!

Penfold Transformer:
No, I'm you.

Stiletto:
So, you can't-a be both of me.

Danger Mouse:
Eh, can I just have...

Penfold Transformer:
Oh yes, yes we are.

Stiletto:
I am-a Ernesto Penfold.

Penfold Transformer:
So, what's the O stand for?

Danger Mouse:
One of you is Penfold and another one is also Penfold...

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[both DM and Penfold have fainted] Will Danger Mouse and Penfold come round in time to save the world again or will you finally get lucky?

The Blue Flash:
[Penfold has transformed into a superhero] Haha! Now you have no need to fear, your hero the Blue Flash is here. Fruit drops! [flies off straight through the ceiling]

Danger Mouse:
Oh no. I had to put a bucket under there last time it rained.

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] By Jove, DM. That's astounding.

Danger Mouse:
No, I think it's just a crack in the pillar box lid, sir.

Penfold:
[a stray carrier pigeon has to be found and caught] Is that it?

Colonel K:
[stutters] Well, eh, erm, yes.

Penfold:
No monsters, bandits, evil toads or vicious mechalomaniac Martians?

Colonel K:
No.

Penfold:
I'll do the job, sir. Into battle! Over the top. Erm, I'll just go get my pigeon net.

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] Ah, DM. Good show. We've got a communication problem.

Danger Mouse:
Communication problem, sir?

Colonel K:
Yes. Got a most top four star super secret secret message on it's way to H.Q.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
All is peaceful. No crime in Camden, no wrongdoing in Rotherhithe, no wickedness in Willesden Green

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
London. Birthplace of Professor Beasley's eatable toothbrush and also of his quick-setting dental cream.

Penfold:
[Penfold has just made a rather unfunny pun] You're not laughing, chief.

Danger Mouse:
Ah, well spotted, Penfold.

Penfold:
[Danger Mouse is laughing at one of his own jokes] You don't laugh at mine, I shan't laugh at yours.

Danger Mouse:
I smell a toad...

Penfold:
No, DM, I smell a rat.

Danger Mouse:
You can smell what you like, Penfold, but I definitely smell a toad.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Well, well, well. I have in the business man and boy but never, never have I seen Danger Mouse, hero to millions set such a bad example... Eaves dropping! Whatever is the world coming to?

Danger Mouse:
Will you shush?

Penfold:
But I didn't say a word.

Danger Mouse:
Not you, Penfold, him, Mr. blabbermouth voice-over.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Well, really!

Baron Silas Greenback:
Now hear this, my demands are simple. All I require is total power. the Houses of Parliament are to become my private snooker ground and Buckingham Palace is to house my collection of spiders legs. Oh, and don't look to the white wonder to safe you this time, I very much fear he's... eh, how to put it? Otherwise engaged. [chuckles wickedly]

Colonel K:
[on video phone] Good show, well, let you get on, then. Rover, hoover and hodge.

Danger Mouse:
Yes sir, Rover, hoover and hodge to you to.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Can this be the end of Baron Silas Greenback and his evil henchman? Well, personally I hope not, or I'll be out of a job.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
We interrupt this nonsense, eh, programme, to bring you news of a disaster: a mysterious force has destroyed all the world's music. Records have had their grooves removed, tapes have been wiped clean, sheet music has become blank and musical instruments have fallen to pieces.

Danger Mouse:
Good grief, colonel, what about our mission? We do everything to music.

Danger Mouse:
Without flying music we can't fly. Quick, try the next piece of music, Penfold.

Wuffgang Bah:
Anything you can play, I can play worse.

Danger Mouse:
[aboard the Spacehopper] Open the throttle, Penfold.

Penfold:
Oh, I forgot the cork-screw.

Danger Mouse:
Throttle. Throttle, Penfold, not bottle.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
By traveling at 18 times the speed of Mark Twain, Dangermouse arrives at the opening hours of the day before yesterday and, with consummate skill, puts the mark three down on the platform of improbability in an elegant twenty four point landing.

Baron Silas Greenback:
Stiletto?

Stiletto:
Si, Barone?

Baron Silas Greenback:
Get out there and give those two window cleaners a leathering.

Stiletto:
With a pleasurable, Barone! [chuckles wickedly]

Penfold:
[thinking Dangermouse has gone chicken] Cor, rotten creep, if I wasn't a coward, I'd despise you.

Danger Mouse:
[DM and Penfold are being held immobile in a 'Hero Holder'] Give me a crystal

Penfold:
Alright. [groans while he manages to pry a crystal out of his pocket]

Penfold:
Got it, now what?

Danger Mouse:
Drop it on my foot.

Penfold:
Cor! Last time I dropped something on your foot you were ever so cross...

Danger Mouse:
Yes, well, that was a steam iron, Penfold. Look, just drop it an watch.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
London. And the world's greatest secret agent is going about the business of being great. With Penfold, his faithful, cowardly assistant at his side, he hurls the Mark 3 in pursuit of his implacable foe, Baron Silas Greenback.

Stiletto:
[Stiletto has just brought Dangermouse before Baron Greenback] Hey boss, issa okay.

Baron Silas Greenback:
Okay?

Stiletto:
Si baronne, Dangerma- eh, [coughs] the, eh signor has lost his memorable.

Danger Mouse:
[as the White Shadow] Back to crime, with a Cheerio-ho-hoooooo!

Colonel K:
Well, while you've been sleeping it off, the blighters pinched the Eiffel Tower, emptied Fort Knox, held up Concorde, corloined the Mona Lisa and stolen the Maharaja of Dehli's gold encrusted wellies!

Penfold:
Ooh, that is naughty!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Can anyone survive another joke like that?

[Dangermouse falls off the top of the building, and Penfold chases him on the way down]

Penfold:
[shouts] Chief... you... are... un... der... arrest!

[D.M. falls further down, screaming]

Penfold:
[shouts] I'm warning you, Chief! You are under a...

[D.M. lands on top of him]

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
London and in moneyed Mayfair, within a perpendicular peculiar pillar-box, disguised domicile of the death defying duo Dangermouse the Daring and Penfold, the pathetic.

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] Ah, DM. Good show.

Danger Mouse:
Yes, colonel?

Colonel K:
Our spotters have spied a space ship.

Danger Mouse:
Spied a spaceship?

Colonel K:
Precisely.

Colonel K:
I say, did you chaps get an alien chappy on your screen just now?

Penfold:
Aye. Eh, yes colonel.

Penfold:
[DM and Penfold are dressed as a camel in the desert] Chief, why do we have to dress up like this?

Danger Mouse:
Isn't it obvious?

Penfold:
No.

Danger Mouse:
Well actually, Penfold. it's because the animators couldn't draw horses.

Penfold:
[DM and Penfold are having trouble finding the zip of their camel costume] You mean, we can't get out? We're trapped! Ahah, ahah! Entombed in the blackness of night, doomed to die in the darkness of a zipless tomb.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold?

Penfold:
Yes?

Danger Mouse:
Shush.

Penfold:
Oh, 'eck.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold you're supposed to be overcoming him, not entertaining him.

Quark:
[referring to Penfold] He's funnier than a Plutonium toe-tickler!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
And so we come to the conclusion of another classically confusing conflict. Can the ridiculously wrecked and ravaged robot be reconstructed and restored or will he be rejected as rusting rubbish? And what of Quark? Quark? Oh gosh. Quark, quar... que... Oh I know, yes. To find out join the queue, haha! And see the next adventure of Danger Mousse. Er, Mouse.

Colonel K:
Now, DM, this is from our White Hall look out.

Danger Mouse:
Yes, Colonel K, what is it?

Colonel K:
Look out.

Danger Mouse:
Look out, sir?

Colonel K:
Look out or the window at Ten Downing Street, and you'll see a whacking great tank pointing a gun at the door.

Stiletto Mafiosa:
Haha! the mouse has-a nibbled the formaggio! It's a time for the Barone to shut-a his trap.

Baron Silas Greenback:
[playing a pipe organ] You're in for a musical slayride. It will slay you! I'm feeding the computer transmissions through my keyboard. Will it be Beethoven's ninth, or Dangermouse's last?

Penfold:
Would you like to read the masterpiece that will be the talk of the publishing world for years to come?

Danger Mouse:
Yes, I can hardly wait! [takes the piece of paper from Penfold] Ah, right. [clears throat to start reading] Ah. Once upin a tone, There was a white moose who ligged in a red pillar bog with his f-friend, who was a homster. Allistair Maclain eat your heart out.

Danger Mouse:
[during freefall] Steady Penfold, steady, there's nothing to be afraid of. You can't come to any harm when you're falling.

Penfold:
Oh, can't you? Are you sure?

Danger Mouse:
Yes, possitive.

Penfold:
Oh, oh good.

Danger Mouse:
It's the landing part you have to worry about.

Danger Mouse:
Good grief, Penfold, you actually beat me.

Penfold:
I know, I couldn't lose.

Danger Mouse:
Really, why not?

Penfold:
Because the pen is mightier than the bored.

Danger Mouse:
Oh, good grief...

Penfold:
I'm off to get a fruit and nutcake, DM

Danger Mouse:
Yes, well it will take one to know one.

Penfold:
Looks to me like you've just been the victim of another terrible punchline, Chief.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
London, one of the nerve centers of world government, And in the mids of a complex web of streets and buildings, in a quiet corner of Mayfair, lives the greatest guardian of peace and justice in the civilized world. A secret agent so secret that even his codename has a codename. Yes, Dangermouse. To the downtrodden a hero, to the evil, a ruthless enemy.

Danger Mouse:
[the doorbell rings] See who that is, will you Penfold?

Ernest Penfold:
Right, sir.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Dangermouse's trusted assistant Ernest Penfold. Codenamed 'The Jigsaw'. Because when he's faced with a problem, he goes to pieces.

Danger Mouse:
It's alright, Penfold, it self destructed.

Ernest Penfold:
Self destructed?

Danger Mouse:
Yes. You know, that echo sounded just like you?

Danger Mouse:
We'd better split up and look around.

Ernest Penfold:
Right, sir. Er, can I split up and come with you?

Stiletto:
When it come to dirty deeds, Barone, you are the dirtiest.

Baron Silas Greenback:
Oh, I bet you say that to all the great frogs you know.

Ernest Penfold:
Dangermouse, what are you doing?

Danger Mouse:
It's called: the Super-Spy Sidestep.

Narrator:
[Describing Penfold] Codename: The Jigsaw, because when faced with a problem, he falls to pieces.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
London, teeming city, home of millions, adorned with noble buildings and handsome statues. But... one dank, dismal day disturbingly dirty deeds developed... [pause over shots of statues starting to move]

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Can doom, disaster and death be deferred? It's going to be a job for... Danger Mouse.

Danger Mouse:
Look Penfold: the French coast.

Penfold:
Why France? Are we going to Paris? It it ehm... Fifi?

Danger Mouse:
[coughs] I told you never to mention that while we're on the air.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, what's got into you?

Penfold:
Well, you won't let me do jokes, so I thought I'd try drama instead.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold...

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
And so civilisation is snatched back from the brink of disaster yet again. But is the world safe from savage statues forever? What will happen if Cleopatra gets the needle? Will Peter Pan be frying tonight?

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[sounding rather disgruntled] London. Well, it was going to be Bangkok, but they've cut our travel allowance.

Baron Silas Greenback:
[spying on DM and Penfold on a monitor] Well well, my two greatest fans are on my trail again. Or am I on theirs? [chuckles wickedly]

Young Danger Mouse:
I'm the world's greatest secret schoolboy. Ehm, no, agent.

Old age Penfold:
[Young Dangermouse is on top of a tree] Come down at once.

Young Danger Mouse:
Shan't!

Old age Penfold:
You'll hurt yourself...

Young Danger Mouse:
Buy me a lolly then.

Old age Penfold:
I'll give you a smack for... Oh, alright I'll buy you a lolly.

Tadpole Greenback:
You idiot, Stiletto. Another fine mess you've got me into. Don't just stand there, get cracking.

Stiletto the Egg:
Ok, Barone, It's-a no yoke, but it's-a going to be all white.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
London, and behind the drawn curtains of a typical Ministery of Defence mark 5 simulated letter box, there is a sense of urgency, for this is the Mayfair home of Dangermouse, the world's greatest secret agent, and Penfold, the world's worst assistant, where even now, Colonel K is contacting the charismatic companions with a confidential communication.

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] Just had this amazing message from the United Nations, DM.

Penfold:
Oh, can I have the stamp?

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, shush.

Danger Mouse:
Pull yourself together. Straighten your tie, blow your nose and keep a straight upper lip.

Penfold:
Yes Chief, sorry Chief. Sniffen your tie, straighten your nose and blow your lipper up.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, look! Good grief, how would you describe that?

Penfold:
It's like four sausages with long narrow windows.

Danger Mouse:
Four sausages? Penfold, take your hands away from your eyes.

Baron Silas Greenback:
Stiletto, get the Bad Luck Eye.

Stiletto:
Si, Barone. At-a once!

[He roots around in Penfold's pocket with pliers, and pulls something out]

Stiletto:
Ahh, succ-a-sess! I have-a the eye, Barone!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Are Danger Mouse and Penfold bound for Mars? If they overshoot, will they get to Grandma's? Who has the Bad Luck Eye of the Little Yellow God, and if he hasn't what has he got? For another dose of bad luck, tune in to episode 3 of Dangermouse and... the Bad Luck Eye of the Little Yellow God.

Danger Mouse:
I'm sick to death of being blown up, shot down, shut in, kicked out and generally stepped on.

Speaking clock:
At the third stroke it will be sunrise precisely. Bip... bip... bip. [the sun shoots up as if shot on a spring]

Danger Mouse:
Right Penfold, today's the day. I just happen to be able to control the beasts of the jungle. [lets out a Tarzan yell, making all the beasts of the jungle stampede and trample him and Penfold]

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] Ah DM, good show. Got a kneegermancy.

Penfold:
Ah what?

Colonel K:
Well, that's what agent 57's message says.

Danger Mouse:
Hm, could that be an emergency, sir?

Colonel K:
By Jove, yes! Well spotted, DM.

Danger Mouse:
What is the problem, sir?

Colonel K:
Oh, well, Miss Boathook got's the week off and we've got this new typist in gets all the words mixed up and the wrong way round.

Danger Mouse:
No, no sir, I mean what's the emergency?

Master Snozzle:
You see before you King Arthur's wizard.

Penfold:
I thought that was Merlin?

Master Snozzle:
Merlin? Hohoho, a cut price second rate unqualified imposter who took my rightful place. And all because of a fiddling mistake.

Danger Mouse:
A fiddling mistake?

Master Snozzle:
The little princess. Make her a birthday cake, they said. so I did.

Penfold:
Yes?

Master Snozzle:
Well, it wasn't my fault that Lancelot at her before I could change her back.

Penfold:
Ooh, crumbs.

Master Snozzle:
Yes, but not many.

Danger Mouse:
[to Snozzle the magician] You don't look much like a magician, you look more like a cross between a druid and a monk.

Penfold:
You mean a drunk?

Master Snozzle:
Penfold, shush.

Danger Mouse:
Look out, a medieval misfire!

Penfold:
Oh, 'eck!

Master Snozzle:
What's the good of being a tyrant if there's no one to tyran... er, em, tyrranos, eh, oh well, to bully!

[Opening narration]

The Narrator:
Lodnod - Comreeshal snitter of the... uh... yeah, I'm awfully sorry. It's... a new typist again. Uh... [clears throat] London - Commercial center of the Nation. Home to of the pillar bix; one of which, standing snettled down on Beaker Stroot, is home of the world's great agnet - Danager Moose. Good grief.

[Last lines]

Colonel K:
Good show, D.M. We'll dine.

Penfold:
[confused] We'll dine?

Colonel K:
Oh, drat! I meant, Well done.

Danger Mouse:
Thank you, Colonel. Well, we may have lost the clock, but at heast they've got their horse back.

Colonel K:
Who's on horse back?

Danger Mouse:
No, no, sir. I mean, house back.

Colonel K:
Ah, yes, yes. By jove, the police is in the bite of a mouse.

Danger Mouse:
Sorry, Colonel?

Colonel K:
I mean, the palace is in the boot of a moose.

Danger Mouse:
I beg your pardon, sir?

Penfold:
I think he means, that the place is in a bit of a mess.

Colonel K:
Yes, drat it! It's that wretched typeen again.

Danger Mouse:
You mean, typist, sir?

Colonel K:
Oh, isn't that what I said?

Danger Mouse, Penfold:
Ohhh, Good groof!

The Narrator:
And so we come to the ned of another throoling adventnore, as our ear-owes, the Whote Winder and Pefnold, cockle the farces of evlih. Don't miss the neck extracting institlement of "Danager Mose!"

[Credits begin]

Colonel K:
Come home, Miss Boathook! All is fogriven!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Driven by fear and 27 U2 batteries, the machines are swept on, bent on ensnaring our here. Guarding every roof, until there is no way out and no way home for the courageous couple. Or so the Baron believes...

Danger Mouse:
All right, that's your last laugh, curly-conk!

Penfold:
Fantastic, Chief. You've got the Baron wacked!

Danger Mouse:
Hm, don't count your washers until they're bolted, Penfold.

Danger Mouse:
[Colonel K, while communicating with DM, has been swallowed up by a mysterious cloud] Good Grief!

Penfold:
Crikey sir, he's turned into a chair.

Danger Mouse:
[the cloud has swallowed Dangermouse and Penfold] I guess it was cumulonimbus.

Penfold:
Didn't he discover America?

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, shush.

Baron Silas Greenback:
Inside my Dream Machine, only the impossible is possible. Now, au revoir, and unpleasant dreams!

Penfold:
[DM and Penfold have turned into birds] Sorry sir, I've had it!

Danger Mouse:
Nonsense, Penfold. Keep your pecker up!

Penfold:
I can't keep my pecker up!

Dangermouse:
[Dangermouse and Penfold and trapped in the Baron's Dream Machine cloud] Anyway, I've got a better idea. We'll blow the cloud away with a big fan!

Penfold:
A big fan?

Big Fan:
Oh Dangermouse! You're the greatest! I'm your biggest fan ever!

Dangermouse:
Oh, honestly Penfold, not that sort of a fan!

Danger Mouse:
Greenback! You're under arrest.

Penfold:
He's not! He's under a rollercar.

Danger Mouse:
Ah, nothing like holiday slides when things are quiet, eh, Penfold?

Penfold:
Oh, eh no, Chief.

Danger Mouse:
Remember me catching this man-eating shark in the Bahamas?

Penfold:
Shall I ever forget? I was the bait!

Danger Mouse:
Next slide, please.

Stiletto:
But-ah Barone, suppose-ah that he win?

Baron Silas Greenback:
Win? He can't win. [Nero chortles a question] Simply because my dears, he will play fair and I will cheat like crazy.

Penfold:
You don't think Greenback's could win, do you, Chief?

Danger Mouse:
He's about as much a chance of winning as I have of flying down a yeti's earhole. [which he does]

Baron Silas Greenback:
Oh dear. Poor chaps got an overhang.

Stiletto:
Donna you mean a hangover?

Baron Silas Greenback:
I know what I mean.

[Dangermouse has crashed through a brick wall]

Penfold:
Oh, doesn't that hurt, Chief?

Dangermouse:
No, didn't feel a thing! [Faints]

Danger Mouse:
How can I get two feathers from something that doesn't even exist? Hmpf! Vampire duck!

Count Duckula:
You will be astounded! I will produce not rabbits out of hats, but hats, haha, out of rabbits!

Count Duckula:
You wretch! You're d-d-d-d-doomed, I'll have your blood!

Danger Mouse:
Oh no you won't.

Count Duckula:
Ah? Well, why not, and why?

Danger Mouse:
Because, my vampire friend, here comes the sun.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
And so the world is saved. Penfold is rescued and Greenback is banished forever. Well, maybe not quite forever... But another triumph for the world's greatest detective... Danger Mouse!

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] Ah, DM, good show, erm, where's Penfold?

Danger Mouse:
Well, it's Hallowe'en, sir, so he's carving up a swede.

Colonel K:
Good heavens, DM. I didn't even know he could play tennis.

Danger Mouse:
Tennis? What, oh no, not Bjorn Borg, not that kind of Swede, it's the vegetable kind.

Danger Mouse:
[turns to Penfold, who has been frozen in time] Good grief, Penfold, I can hardly - Oh dear, I'd forgotten, you're in suspended animation. Probably the animators teabreak, hmm.

Danger Mouse:
There must be some way to beat that villain... Ah! Why didn't I think of it before? The computer that Colonel K's boffins installed in the Mark 3 after the last episode [leans towards the camera] That I forgot to mention...

Danger Mouse:
Good grief! Three blue demons!

Evil side of Danger Mouse:
Yes, you're caught between the devil and the deep blue three.

Danger Mouse:
Good grief, these jokes get worse.

Danger Mouse:
[Dangermouse is hanging of the edge of a cliff by his fingertips, with Penfold clutching to his legs] This must be the end of an episode, Penfold.

Penfold:
Why, Chief?

Danger Mouse:
'Cause that stupid scriptwriter always has to finish on a cliffhanger.

Penfold:
[dropping in on the mystic Gnu] Is this the hairy old twit with the twig thing?

Danger Mouse:
[quickly covering Penfolds mouth with his hands] Poor soul. He knows not what he sayes.

Count Duckula:
[scolding his crocodile henchmen] Well I promise you this: this week, henchmen, next week, handbags.

Penfold:
Cor, Chief, Ephalants! Hundreds of them!

Danger Mouse:
Absolutely packed to the portals with prostrate packiderm.

Danger Mouse:
Oh, well, if at first you don't succeed...

Penfold:
Give up.

Danger Mouse:
Give up - No, that's not the attitude, Penfold.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, I don't think this is a clock at all. I think it's a time machine.

Penfold:
Ehm DM?

Danger Mouse:
Yes?

Penfold:
I thought clocks were time machines?

Danger Mouse:
No, not that sort of time machine, the sort that takes you through time.

Penfold:
Oh, like that doctor, who... ehm, can't remember

Danger Mouse:
[Dangermouse has reversed the time machine] Soon be home now.

Penfold:
Ooh, I hope it's yesterday. We had rice pudding yesterday. And I won't get up this morning.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, I don't think this is a clock at all. I think it's a time machine.

Penfold:
Ehm DM?

Danger Mouse:
Yes?

Penfold:
I thought clocks were time machines?

Danger Mouse:
No, not that sort of time machine, the sort that takes you through time.

Penfold:
Oh, like that doctor, who... ehm, can't remember.

Penfold:
Cor, chief, what are those?

Danger Mouse:
'm not sure, Penfold, but I don't think they're from planet Earth.

Penfold:
You think they might be from planet Whipple, chief?

Danger Mouse:
Ye- I do with you'd stop calling it that.

Penfold:
Chief?

Danger Mouse:
Yes, Penfold?

Penfold:
What's going on, chief?

Danger Mouse:
I don't know, Penfold.

Penfold:
And who were they?

Danger Mouse:
I don't know, Penfold.

Penfold:
And what were they doing?

Danger Mouse:
I don't know, Penfold.

Penfold:
And why were they here?

Danger Mouse:
I don't know Pen- Penfold?

Penfold:
Yes chief?

Danger Mouse:
Shush!

Penfold:
But chief!

Danger Mouse:
Just shush, Penfold, I'm trying to think.

Danger Mouse:
[looking at video phone monitor] Good grief, I don't believe it.

Penfold:
[looking in a small paper bag] Nor do I, I'm sure it was full this morning. Not one left.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, I wasn't talking about your Sherbert Lemons.

Danger Mouse:
Coo, it worked!

Penfold:
Cor, but who would've thought a little jump sideways would save the world? Hoh. Easy as pie.

Danger Mouse:
Yes, but the hard part was persuading all the world's leaders to get their fellow countrymen to do it at the same time.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
And so, the world safely saved once again, we leave London. That is we would leave London if it hadn't already left us.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
London. Home of the most secret, secret service in the world. So secret, that even the people who work there, don't know where it is. Controler of this vast network is Colonel K. One time desert rat, first to climb Everest on a pogo stick, cerise belt with a little gold of PK butterflies all over it at judo, piano thrower extraordinare. This is the man upon who's shoulders rests the security of the civilized world. A man who's restless mind is ever allert. A man who never sleeps in his, ehm, his ehm, ehh, ahum. Cut away. Cut away, cut away you fool!

Penfold:
Oh, Chief, can anything save us now?

Danger Mouse:
Only one thing, Penfold. The end of episode four.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[DM and Penfold have been sacked and ordered to leave their Mayfair flat] Is this the end for our heroes? Will Dangermouse become the world's greatest hobo? Can Penfold get a walk on part in Dick Whittington? Has Greenback found the key to total domination, or can Dangermouse turn the tables even though he hasn't got a table to turn? If you're tougher than I am, tune in to the next exiting adventure in 'The Invation of Colonel K'. Time: Danger Mouse.

Danger Mouse:
[Professor Squawkencluck has discovered the Frog's Head Flyer inside Colonel K's brain] Good grief! We can't let him leave it there. Someone's got to get in after him and give him a parking ticket.

Penfold:
[traveling through Colonel K's insides in the Spacehopper] Ooh crumbs! I think we've been mistaken for a germ!

Danger Mouse:
Good grief! They're throwing oxygen at us.

Dangermouse:
Oh, alright. But I hope you understand that I'm only doing this because I happen to be allergic to sudden death.

Danger Mouse:
[DM has just defeated an alligator by nicking it's dentures] Tsk. Autograph hunters!

Danger Mouse:
Chief, look at these straws.

Penfold:
Straws? Good grief! The poisonous peashooters of the hideous headbangers. They're a tribe of extremely unsavory natives.

Baron Silas Greenback:
[off screen] Correct. You obviously know you're Observers Book of Native Tribes, Witless Wonder.

Danger Mouse:
Baron Greenback!

Danger Mouse:
Lucky for us the scream of a falling frog is one of the few things those natives are frightened of. Well, we've got a day left of our holiday. Come on.

Penfold:
Where are we going?

Danger Mouse:
To get a specimen of the incredibly rare prune juggling vampire parrot

Penfold:
Oh, erm, do I have to come too?

Danger Mouse:
'Course you do, Penfold. I need someone to pretend to be a prune.

Penfold:
[Danger Mouse is tangling with a crocodile] We could have had a day out in Brighton!

Penfold:
I do not wish to know that, Penfold!

[Baron Greenback has made off with the crown]

Penfold:
[sees DM laugh] What's so funny, Chief?

Danger Mouse:
Greenback's got it, and now he's going to get it!

Penfold:
But I thought he already had it?

Danger Mouse:
No, it just occurred to me: why would the world's greatest practical joker hide a crown in the first place?

Penfold:
Oh, Chief... you're not saying it was a trick!

Danger Mouse:
No? [big explosion heard, along with Greenback screaming]

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
London, and behind the loyal emblem of a dummy pillowbox somewhere in Mayfair, the words greatest secret agent is hearing tiding of the worlds most evil genius, from the lips of the world's dirtiest crochet player, Colonel K.

Danger Mouse:
So now we know where Greenback's latest hideway is.

Colonel K:
Exactly. What's more, this time Greenback doesn't know that we know he doesn't know, you know.

Danger Mouse:
No?

Penfold:
No.

Grigious M. Murphy:
But aren't for, forgetting why you're here, so you are. And isn't what you need a brand new everlasting amaze your friends crater crossing gadget, so it is.

Danger Mouse:
It is so?

Penfold:
So he says.

Penfold:
Good grief!

Danger Mouse:
You took the words right out of my mouth, Penfold.

Penfold:
Oh sorry, sir. Do you want them back?

Danger Mouse:
Now if you were a mechanical chaos merchant from Mars... where would you strike next?

Penfold:
I wouldn't, I'd go home. - Crikey, DM, it's attacking the Telecom Tower!

Danger Mouse:
No accounting for taste. I'd have picked Nelson's Column.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Could this be the end of our heroes? Are they destined for some unthinkable fate on Mars? Or will their mechanical kidnappers's batteries run out before they get there? That's assuming it runs on batteries. If not, what does it run on?

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Are streetlamps streetlamps, or creatures from space waiting to jump us when we're not looking? Can Baron Greenback get it right next time? Can Penfold overcome his fear of everything and become a top agent? Tune in next time. You could find out. Then again you might not, for we could have all been taken prisoner by the streetlamps by then. [laughst] Oh dear, that's daft. [laughter winding down] Isn't it?

Penfold:
[the Mark 3 has crash landed in London Zoo] Can you mend it, DM?

Danger Mouse:
Well I've got a spare tyre in the boot, but what we need is a new car to go with it.

Danger Mouse:
[DM and Penfold are stuck in the dark as usual] Shush. What's that? And if you say it's me saying 'Shush, what's that' I'll explode. [there's an explosion]

Bagpipe Herder:
They've stolen away my poor wee bagpipes. Call the McCoppers!

Colonel K:
[on video screen] Miss Hacket, tea with no sugar, and...

Danger Mouse:
[driving the Mach 5] Not Miss Hacket, sir, Danger Mouse and Penfold.

Colonel K:
Got a sore throat, Miss Hacket?

Danger Mouse:
Danger Mouse, sir. Red button, sir. Press the red button.

Colonel K:
Bread and butter? [pounds his fist on the table] At this time of the morning?

Danger Mouse:
We're on our way to the emergency, Sir.

Colonel K:
No need for that, only want a cup of tea.

Danger Mouse:
Well then it's a false alarm, sir?

Colonel K:
Abso-bally-lutely.

Baron Greenteeth:
Interesting. A duel between the world's greatest detective and the greatest evil genius in the universe.

Leatherhead:
[chuckles] Nice, gaffer. [more laughter] Who's that?

Baron Greenteeth:
Me, you simpleton! Baron Greenteeth.

Gruesome McNasty:
Aye, newspaper reporters are you then?

Danger Mouse:
Eh yes, mate. Dennis Lewis. My name is Dennis Mors. My photographer, Hughie Cheekfold.

Penfold:
Oh Danger Mouse, it's a genius you are.

Danger Mouse:
Well my dear chap, someone has to be. Now get some sleep, I may need your modest help tomorrow.

Danger Mouse:
Let me explain, old chap. Someone has guessed, goodness knows how, who we are, right?

Penfold:
Right, Danger Mouse.

Danger Mouse:
So the monster, really a mechanical masonry mover, was sent to destroy us while we slept, right?

Penfold:
Right, Danger Mouse.

Danger Mouse:
So I slipped swiftly and silently from my bed, and using my amazing strength, turned the hotel round.

Penfold:
Turned the ho - but I never heard a thing.

Danger Mouse:
Well I simply did it quietly, Penfold. Right?

Penfold:
Right, Danger Mouse.

Danger Mouse:
The lost chord, Penfold is a lethal combination of musical notes. If Greenteeth finds it's secret, he could hold the world to ransom.

Penfold:
Due, Chief, I don't like the sound of that.

Danger Mouse:
As for the stolen bagpipes and the shrieking Ben Nevis...

Penfold:
Yes, Chief?

Danger Mouse:
My superintelligent guess would be that those half a million bagpipes are being built into a diabolical double device to produce the lost chord.

Penfold:
Oh, due!

Danger Mouse:
And that he's started to test it on that noble Scotish mountain.

Penfold:
The rotten whatsit!

Danger Mouse:
We must stop the lost chord and the only way is to produce a discord.

Danger Mouse:
Good show. That's the end of Greenteeth. The world is safe from the lost chord.

Penfold:
Oh, Danger Mouse. That's fantastic. Where'd you learn to play like that?

Danger Mouse:
Something I picked up from an Indian mystic.

Penfold:
Oh, I didn't know you wore lipstick.

Baron Greenback:
My weather machine can make tornado's

Stiletto:
Hm. My mama can-a make canneloni. [gets hit on the head by Greenback's cane] Ow!

Baron Greenback:
At the press of a button, I could smother the Earth with snow, drown it in rain, wreck it with gails, and cloak it with fog.

Stiletto:
Why not just wait for summer? [Greenback hands over his cane and Stiletto hits himself on the head] Ow!

Danger Mouse:
[90 meters of snow is blocking the exit] Luckily we're equipped with the very latest convert plain arm lever operated snow shifters.

Penfold:
Oh, great! What's that?

Danger Mouse:
Eh, two new shovels in the boot.

Penfold:
Eh?

Danger Mouse:
Dig man, dig!

Penfold:
[passing Nelson's Column covered in snow] Ooh! Nelson, another hero!

Danger Mouse:
Yes, he and I would have seen eye to eye on lots of matters.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
And now the weather forecast for the whole country. It will be dry and sunny everywhere with some fog patches and heavy rain accompanied by gale force winds and occasional falls of Greenback and Stiletto.

Baron Greenback, Stiletto:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
But a daft front is moving steadily, and conditions are expected to be back to abnormal for the next amazing adventure of... Dangermouse!

Danger Mouse:
I do hope Penfold's wearing bleep transmitting homing underwear.

Danger Mouse:
[DM has struck the side of a castle wall, Stiletto is looking out a window] Don't go away, I'll be back in aaaaaaaaah... [falls off]

Stiletto:
In a wheelchair! [laughs]

Penfold:
[dramatic music plays as Penfold thinks DM has been squashed] Oh, eck! I'm on me own again! I suppose I'll have to face the fiendish foes alone! Disregarding any thought for my safety and...

Danger Mouse:
And stop overacting?

Penfold:
And stop overacting! Eh?

Penfold:
[spots Dangermouse's head sticking out of the ground] DM! But how did you?

Danger Mouse:
[chuckles] Oh, you'd be surprised how quickly you can dig a rapid hole when you have to, Penfold.

Danger Mouse:
Good Grief! It's Mad Manuel, the Flamingo Assasin!

Danger Mouse:
Dangermouse to base, Dangermouse to base, home in on this signal. Send me one alpine survival kit, pronto. Over, ow! [an alpine survival kit lands on his head]

Danger Mouse:
Well, the lads in dispatch won't get a card from me this Christmas!

Baron Greenback:
Stiletto?

Stiletto:
[off screen] Yes, si, Baroni?

Baron Greenback:
Remove that Idiot from the flagpole and throw him into the dungeon.

Stiletto:
[off screen] Ah, si, Baroni

Baron Greenback:
As soon as that ridiculous rodent is in the castle, raie the drawbridge. And once the plans are ours, introduce our two foolish friends to the mouse eating bananas.

Stiletto:
[off screen] Oh, si, Baroni! [the Baron, Stiletto and Nero all laugh]

Danger Mouse:
Right, Greenback, enter the world's greatest detective at warp factor ten!

Penfold:
Cor, that's what I call a rescue! And it was great how you got those mouse eating bananas to acquire a taste for frog.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Have Dangermouse and Penfold finally had enough of their hectic lifestyle? Or can Colonel K. convince the courageous couple to continue coping with chaos, confusion and catastrophy? For all our sakes, let's hope so, as we look forward to more of the thrill packed adventures of... Dangermouse.

Penfold:
[Penfold is sobbing on Dangermouse's shoulder] Oh dear!

Danger Mouse:
There, there. There, there. Sush, sush, Penfold. Penfold, sush. It's not that bad, it's only a cartoon, isn't it?

[standing below the wall of Greenback's castle]

Dangermouse:
Um, hello? Excuse me? Can we have our ball back, please? I...

[a fizzing bomb is dropped into his hand]

Dangermouse:
Oh, thanks very much!

Penfold:
D.M.! Look out! It's a bomb!

Dangermouse:
Hmm? Oh yes, I know it's a buh-buh-buh-buh, buh-buh-buh-buh, a b-, a b-, a bomb!

[BOOM!]

Danger Mouse:
I don't recall a villain by the name of 'Uhff', do you, Penfold?

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Can Danger Mouse get out from under this one and rescue the top secret rugby ball before Baron Greenback can relieve it of it's contents? Will Penfold go for acting lessons or go to pieces? There's only two ways to find out: bride the scriptwriter, or tune in to the next thrill-packed episode of 'The Odd Ball Runaround' starring Danger Mouse.

Penfold:
Crumbs, chief, what'll we do now?

Danger Mouse:
I'm taking the direct approach.

Penfold:
[dramatic music] Direct approach! Oh no, no no! Not that! [falls to his knees] Anything but that, please! [drops to DM's feet, who roles his eyes] Please! Oh 'eck. Oh fiddle! Oh crumbs!

Danger Mouse:
Penfold...

Penfold:
[grabs DM's leg] Please, DM! [dramatically turns away from him] You can't! You musn't!

Danger Mouse:
Penfold?

Penfold:
Yes, chief?

Danger Mouse:
Shush!

Penfold:
Well, I've not had much to do this episode, so I just thought...

Danger Mouse:
...you'd steal a couple of scenes? Well stop it. And behave yourself.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Fleeing from General Rommole's armoured corp, Danger Mouse and Penfold dodge their shells by a rabid takeoff. Only to find that the secret fuel sample they have recaptured has gone critical. As lighting strikes, Penfold is struck dumb. Even dumber than he was. They touch down in old England, only to find a totally new England. And in Trafalgar Square, Nelson has gone and Big Leo has taken his place. A plaque on the statue reveals that our heroes have been catapulted into the future by the storm. But, now that Britain is ruled by evil cats, there doesn't seem to be much future for Danger Mouse. Who knows what will happen in episode 2 of 'Planet of the Cats'?

Danger Mouse:
So, Baron Greenback's voice. And Big Leo's name. Question is: how did slippery Silas get himself into the future?

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Is Penfold about to be horrified by red eyed horrors? [Penfold utters a stifled scream] Oh, I think I'll just get under the table if you don't mind. Can Danger Mouse save his faithful assistant? More to the point, can he save me? Gosh, I hope I'm still here when you tune in to episode 3 of 'Planet of the Cats'.

Penfold:
[being lowered into a pit of hungy alligators by way of an unnecessary slow-moving dipping mechanism] Help! Cor, I got me voice back! Now I'm gonna lose everything else!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Will Penfold be served as jacket potato by an alligator waiter? Will Hamster Italian style bring a smile to a crocodile? And can Danger Mouse cane the uncanny cannister? To find out, tune in to the ultimate, penultimate episode 4 of 'Planet of the Cats'.

Big Leo:
Well now, great, great, great uncle Greenback, you shall be revenged!

Penfold:
Cor, I don't like the noise of all this silence, chief.

Danger Mouse:
Hold it right there, Duckula, or it's bad eggs for you.

Count Duckula:
N-Never! W-watch this. [puts peg on nose]

Danger Mouse:
The devil! He's got an anti-rotten-egg-peg!

Danger Mouse:
[Duckula has met a dramatic demise owing to a crop of rotten cabbage] By Jove, Pen...

Count Duckula:
[springs up, very much alive] Good, wasn't I, eh? B-b-b-b-book my table at the Academy Awards!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Is this the end for Greenback? And if Penfold is 98.4, does he outrank Agent 57? [sneezing sound] Meanwhile, has Agent 57 turned into the closing credits and what will he do when the film runs out?

Baron Silas Greenback:
Will you untie me, you big nosed idiot?

Stiletto:
Oh naughty 5-eh-7 Wait-a till the baron arrive!

Baron Silas Greenback:
I am the baron, you hear, I am the baron! [to Nero] You, eh, you don't think I look 57, do you?

Danger Mouse:
Good grief, agent 57, the master of disguise.

Agent 57:
At your service. Aw eh, look, DM, I think we's better get out of here before we're up to the armpits in marauding Mongols doing wheelies all over the place, don't you know?

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
London, teeming city of millions, rich in ancient herritage and, as if you didn't know, on the corner of a Mayfair street, the secret hideout of the worlds greatest...

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[Penfold sneezes] The world's greatest secret agent and his...

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[another sneeze] and his faithfull assis...

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[yet another one] hi...

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[and another] Oh, sort it out amongst yourselves.

Danger Mouse:
There's not crumbs.There's grains of sand that could only have come from the Nevada desert.

Penfold:
Oh, goody goody.

Danger Mouse:
Goody, goody, Penfold?

Penfold:
I like Nevada desert even better than cookies.

Danger Mouse:
Bisquits. You are thinking of Alaska dessert. I am talking about the Nevada desert. Alaska is freezing, Nevada is baking hot.

Penfold:
Yes, baked Alaska desert!

Danger Mouse:
Penfold?

Penfold:
Yes, Chief?

Danger Mouse:
Shush.

Baron Silas Greenback:
Oh, why am I so brilliant?

Stiletto:
I donna know, Barone.

Baron Silas Greenback:
[Nero chortles something uninteligable] Exactly. That's why I'm so brilliant. Don't you forget.

Stiletto:
No Barone, Okay, Barone.

Baron Silas Greenback:
And this, my little Nero, spells the end of Danger Mouse.

Stiletto:
Oh, I thought it was-a spelled T.H.E...

Baron Silas Greenback:
[interrupting] Silence!

Danger Mouse:
You guessed that I'd follow the trail to the Nevada desert and that I'd stand on the cross. But I guessed what you were up to. So I'm afraid your guess has been outguessed, Greenback.

Stiletto:
Eh?

Baron Silas Greenback:
Very good, White Wonder. Unfortunately, I guessed that you would guess what I had guessed and I guessed what you would do when you had guessed what I had guessed. [Stilleto growls in pain as his head hurts] So, wretched rodent, guess your way out of this!

Penfold's Auntie:
[while hanging from a parachute together] Oh, Ernest.

Penfold:
And I don't like being called Ernest!

Penfold's Auntie:
You've let yourself go completely. That jacket. That tie. And when are you going to get your haircut?

Penfold:
Hair? I hardly got any hair.

Penfold's Auntie:
And don't answer back! You've picked up bad manners from that fancy friend of yours.

Penfold:
He is not a fancy friend, he's the world's greatest secret agent.

Penfold's Auntie:
Well, he's certainly not the world's greatest dresser.

Danger Mouse:
[DM and Penfold are trying to shake loose a flock of mechanical penguins following their flying motorcar] Wait, what do penguins eat?

Penfold:
Fish. But these are mechanical penguins.

Danger Mouse:
Right, then thrown them a tin of sardines!

Danger Mouse:
[DM and Penfold are walking in a pitch black tunnel, as usual] Penfold?

Penfold:
Yes?

Danger Mouse:
Pick your feet up.

Penfold:
If I do that. I'll fall over.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
And so Dangermouse triumphs over the fantastic mechanical twelve footed tapdancing octopus...

Continuity person:
Pst!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
And in the blistering heat of the Sahara,

Continuity person:
Pssst!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
In the face of the posioned Mongolian tadpoles,

Continuity person:
Psssssst!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Our Hero, our... What is it, what is it now now?

Continuity person:
[whispering] That's next week.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Next w- Next? Honestly, no one ever tells me anything. Does that mean I'll have to come back next week and do a bit more or what?

Isambard Sinclair:
[narrating over the end credits] Will Baron Greenback give up the ghost now that Dangermouse has defeated his monstrous collection of ghouls and spooks? Can the vampire succeed and get longer coffin breaks? Will Penfold get the worst dressed hamster award again this year? Well, your guess is as good as ours, but one thing we do know: if you tune in next time you'll see another mind boggling, nail biting, knuckle whitening adventure of the worlds greatest... everything.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[narrating] Dawn in London and the glad sun spreads it's warm glow over the spires and battlements of Willesden Green's famous self eating sausage and mash factory. Over the tall, tubular tenement that is the headquarters of Danger Mouse, the worlds greatest secret agent, and his dauntless assistant Penfold, who even now is hoping for more new daunt to arrive by the morning post.

Baron Silas Greenback:
[on viewscreen] Penfold?

Penfold:
Yes?

Baron Silas Greenback:
Sush!

Penfold:
Eh?

Danger Mouse:
I'll ignore you stealing my lines, Greenback. Meanwhile, we agree to pool our resources. But no tricks from you.

Baron Silas Greenback:
Agreed.

Danger Mouse:
Dangermouse Hopper requesting permision to dock, over. Beep!

Baron Silas Greenback:
Greenback to Dangermouse. Permision granted. Over and out. Beep!

Danger Mouse:
Thank you, over and out to you too. Beep!

Penfold:
Why do you keep talking in that funny voice and going 'beep', DM?

Danger Mouse:
Hm? Oh, that's what one does in space, Penfold.

Penfold:
Wish I hadn't asked.

Danger Mouse:
This is your fault, Penfold. Why did you have to play the fool?

Penfold:
Don't blame me, chief, blame the casting director.

Danger Mouse:
[DM has stopped suddenly, causing Penfold to bump into his backside] Penfold, what do you make of this?

Penfold:
Ow! A bump on the nose, a pair of bent glasses.

Danger Mouse:
[about the impending alien attack force] What's their E.T.A. Greenback?

Baron Silas Greenback:
[on giant viewscreen] They'll be here alien the morning. [snickers]

Danger Mouse:
Good grief, that's terrible.

Danger Mouse:
Remember Greenback, I'll be keeping my eye on you, so don't try anything. Not even when it blinks.

Baron Silas Greenback:
Prepare to use the Super Selective Secret Ray.

Danger Mouse:
This could be goodbye, little friend.

Penfold:
Ooh crikey, ooh carrots, ooh crumbs!

Colonel K:
By Jove, DM. You were lucky the ray didnt blow you to smithereens.

Penfold:
Oh, I don't know, Colonel, I've never been to Ireland.

Penfold:
Crumbs, Chief, Greenback's got away again. and you don't seem worried at all!

Danger Mouse:
Only because I've found this.

Penfold:
A book! Oh, good, I like a good... [opens it] Pfwah! It's not a book at all, it's a cunningly disguised, ehm, thingie.

Danger Mouse:
Nearly right, Penfold, it's a 32 K rom C-moss flip flop digital homing device.

Penfold:
I don't remember coming this way, Chief.

Danger Mouse:
Well, we didn't. But every jungle film has a rope bridge in it

Penfold:
Why, Chief?

Danger Mouse:
To build up the tension, you know, they're all waiting for it to collapse.

Danger Mouse:
You wait here. I'll call you when it's safe.

Penfold:
Oh, al right. But do hurry; you know I'm no good on my own!

Penfold:
Looks like a telly! Well at least I won't miss 'Jake Thunder, Superspy'!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
And so at length, the wild, wild goose chase comes to an end. But fear not, gentle viewer, our heroes will return anew to fight evil, in whatever guise it may appear. As long as it's little, hasn't got sharp teeth, or a gun, doesn't loose it's temper and isn't covered in nasty slimy green stuff. So, look out for another amazing, enthralling, exciting adventure of Danger Mouse, the world's greatest hero.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Across the great city, smiling in the sun, Dangermouse tracks the fateful arrows, wherever they lead. And, at last, they lead him to the deepest, darkest, dampest, dingiest dreadful drain.

Danger Mouse:
Good grief! What a deep, dark, damp, dingy, dreadful drain this is.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
On tramps our hero, on into the deepenest, darkenest, dampenest, dingiest of the dreadful drainiest. Until at last he sees:

Danger Mouse:
Penfold!

Penfold:
[inside Greenback's intergalactic traveling machine] We're in trouble, aren't we, Dangermouse?

Danger Mouse:
Yes, Penfold. Say goodbye, Penfold.

Penfold:
Goodbye, Penfold.

Danger Mouse:
Good grief!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
London. Home of the Royal society of the noble order of incurable inventors, from whos imposing portals have issued such marvels of modern science as the inflatable steam iron and the none sticking self locking zip fastener.

Danger Mouse:
[panting] Pumping up this inflatable steam iron is harder than it looks.

Baron Silas Greenback:
The swapping stone of Mellikan the magician. It has the power to make things change places. And with the help of this stone the world will soon be in my power. At last, at last, the world will be mine, mine, all mine! [chuckles very wickedly indeed]

Baron Silas Greenback:
[to Nero] Goodbye, my little lambkins.

Stiletto:
Ciao, bambino!

Baron Silas Greenback:
[grabs Stiletto's beak] No, you dimwit, I...

Stiletto:
I'm not talking to you, Barone, I say ciao to Nero.

Danger Mouse:
[stuck inside Penfold's body] And I really think you could try and take a little more care of my body while your inside it.

Penfold:
[stuck inside Danger Mouse's body] Wrong again, chief. You may be a secret agent, but you're a rotten mind reader.

Danger Mouse:
What's the problem, Colonel?

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] I don't like the look of the Albert Hall.

Danger Mouse:
No, well, It's not the way I would have build it, either.

Colonel K:
No, no, DM, I mean I don't like the way it's behaving. It's swelling like a balloon and quivering like a jelly.

Danger Mouse:
Don't worry, sir, I'll sort it out. I'll have to do it on my own, mind you, Penfold is reading his paper on cowardice without guild to the Annual Conference of Cowards Anonymous.

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] Where are they holding it?

Danger Mouse:
Oh, the usual place.

Colonel K:
Ah, the Chicken farm.

Danger Mouse:
Yes. Still, it means I'll get the job done quicker, sir. I'll report back in an hour.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Within twenty four hours the menace has passed. And not only that, but the multiple Penfolds have totally evaporated.

Danger Mouse:
So, the multiple Penfolds have totally evaporated, sir.

Colonel K:
Yes, I heard.

Penfold:
Here, wait a minute, though. If I became the invisible hamster, I could take this show over!

Danger Mouse:
Well, I've been in some funny places, but Oddballs Inc takes the chocolate digestive.

Danger Mouse:
Oh, good grief, I've run off the edge of the film!

Penfold:
Cor, Chief, you've got a banana on your head.

Danger Mouse:
What? I can't hear you, I've got a banana on my head. And somewhere, curse it, the baron will be laughing at us.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Will the gorilla struggle to save the desperate duo from the giant banana? Will the fearsome fruit start to peel if it tries to get grub? What am I doing reading this total, total rubbish?

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Gibraltar. home of the Andes, guardian of the Mediterranean and a flipping great lump of rock. And there one spring day in October, our hero is taking his ease on it's west face. And his assistant Penfold on a piece of clothesline.

Penfold:
[reading a comic while DM climbs for the both of them] Cor, it's a smashing adventure story!

Danger Mouse:
Oh yes? Who's the hero?

Penfold:
A white hamster called...

Danger Mouse:
Oh, come on, Penfold!

Danger Mouse:
[sticking to the trap door in Gibraltar that just fell on their heads] That was Greenback, Penfold!

Penfold:
[in similar position on face of rock] It was painful, too, chief.

Danger Mouse:
[flying the Mark 5] Reading you loud and clear, Colonel.

Colonel K:
[on video phone] Never mind that, DM. There's work to do.

Danger Mouse:
[almost inaudible] Good grief.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
How much hope can we hold out with half our heroes down a hole? If there are crocodiles at the bottom, will Penfold end up as whole-meal? Are the elephants gone for good, or was that just a rehearsal reversal?

Penfold:
[talking to himself] Oh crumbs, if only I'd got a really demanding job like a, a knitting wool winder...

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
And so, ever onward across the mighty plains, Dangermouse and the ever faithful and totally petrified Penfold, speed after the villainous Greenback.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
And so Dangermouse is in deadly peril. Will he die an awful death? Will the powers of evil prevail? Or will some completely improbable rescuer arrive from nowhere for no good reason? Well, what do you think?

Danger Mouse:
Allow us to offer you a lift, Baron. To Jail.

Danger Mouse, Penfold:
[simultaniously] Good heavens! You've bought me an aquarium. How kind. It's not an aquarium. It's Colonel K. What is it, Colonel?

Penfold:
[turns to camera] If there's one thing I hate waking up to, it's choral speaking.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, shush. What's happened, Colonel?

Penfold:
Yes, why are you disguised as a washing machine?

Colonel K:
Washing machine? I'm in a diving suit, man.

Danger Mouse:
There, good job I've got a first class honors degree in aquabatics.

Danger Mouse:
Look Penfold, you're never going to get your secret agent assistant's bronze medal second class this way.

Penfold:
Cor, DM! There's no sea!

Danger Mouse:
Exactly: the sea's where the land was and where the sea was is land.

Penfold:
Cor, Chief.

Danger Mouse:
What?

Penfold:
Can we go to Blackpool?

Danger Mouse:
Blackpool, whatever for?

Penfold:
'cause my clockwork paddleboat sank in the boating lake and I would like to get it back.

Danger Mouse:
Oh really, Penfold...

Penfold:
Ow...

Danger Mouse:
It will have rusted away after all these years.

Penfold:
It was last week!

Penfold:
Is that because the cow jumped over the moon?

Professor Heinrich Von Squawkencluck:
Huh? About what is he talking?

Danger Mouse:
About what are any of them talking?

Penfold:
Answers on a postcard, please, to...

Danger Mouse:
Penfold!

Penfold:
Oh, heck.

Penfold:
Mr. Lars Bosom? [giggles uncontrolably] Has he met Copperknickers? [more laughter]

Keith:
There's only... one thing that I really want. One thing that I've never had.

Danger Mouse:
Ah. Well, yes, go on, what?

Keith:
Eyebrows.

Danger Mouse:
[surprised] Eyebrows?

Penfold:
[utterly amazed] Eyebrows?

Keith:
Aye, I've never had any, you see. Limits me powers of expression like.

Danger Mouse:
Oh, that's no problem at all, here look, you can have mine.

Penfold:
You've done it now, sacrificed a lifetime of loyalty. Never again shall you hear these warm, friendly, encouraging, helpful...

Danger Mouse:
Penfold?

Penfold:
...tones. What?

Danger Mouse:
Shush.

Penfold:
Shush? Shush! You never need say that ever again. Cause I'm not speaking. Not ever again. Total silence. My lips are sealed. And serve you right.

Danger Mouse:
Oh, good grief!

Colonel K:
[on video phone] Good grief, DM. What's gone wrong?

Danger Mouse:
Maybe it's the watertight seals have gone.

Colonel K:
Well, your not supposed to keep pets on government property you know.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[narrating] And so we come to the end of another Danger Mouse adventure. Though what all the fuss is about I don't know. I mean no one spares a thought for me. Up to my neck in flood water. Nobody. Sticking to my post. And do I get a mention? Hahaha, well no. Well that's it. That's it! No, I'm not saying another word. Not another word. They've done it now, sacrificed a lifetime of loyalty. The next adventure of Danger Mouse they can... introduce themselves. The rest is silence. Absolute silent. My lips are sealed forever.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
London. Home of beefeater and the bobby, changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace and the guarding of the change at the bank of England. And the home of Danger Mouse, the world's greatest and most daring secret agent, who even now, with his clueless companion Penfold is facing yet another fearsome challenge.

Danger Mouse:
Is this a hard boiled egg or a misshapen snooker ball?

Penfold:
Well next time, I'll just give it three and a half minutes.

Danger Mouse:
Good grief, It's a secret chamber.

Penfold:
Not secret enough for me.

Penfold:
[spots an enormous statue] Aargh! What's that?

Danger Mouse:
Oh, that's Anubis.

Penfold:
But he's got clothes on, Chief.

Danger Mouse:
No, no, not a nudist, Penfold, Anubis. It's the ancient Egyptians god of embalming.

Penfold:
I don't know about him, I'm barmy for coming down here.

Penfold:
'Ere, DM, where's the omelet?

Danger Mouse:
Amulet, Penfold, amulet.

Penfold, Danger Mouse:
Oh, I thought that was an opera by Shakespeare.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, shush.

Danger Mouse:
Then we handed Greenback and his crew to the local police, sir.

Colonel K:
[on tiny viewscreen] Good show. And the amulet?

Danger Mouse:
Ehm... ehm.. well, ehm...

Penfold:
He lost it.

Danger Mouse:
Yes, alright, Penfold, I was going to tell him.

Colonel K:
Don't worry DM, as long as the world thinks we have it, no one will ever think of searching the pyramid again. So mum's the word.

Danger Mouse:
Don't you mean mummy's the word, Colonel? [snickers at his own pun]

Colonel K:
What, why? Oh I see, it's one of your little jokes.

Penfold:
Yes. Very little. Almost invisible.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold...

Penfold:
I know. shush.

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Will Danger Mouse find the source of the Nile, or will he make do with ketchup? When will the Cairo bus company raise their pharaoh's? How much longer do you think it will it before I get promoted to the weather forcast, hm? I need to know, please. Don't leave me here for another exiting adventure of Danger Mouse. Please help! Let me out, help!

Danger Mouse:
Is, is that you sir?

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] 'Course it's me.

Danger Mouse:
Yes sir, I can't see your face, sir.

Colonel K:
That's because I'm standing up.

Penfold:
Cor, it's alright, Colonel, I'm not that famous.

Colonel K:
I am standing up, Penfold, because I can't sit down. Someone has stuffed the most important seat cushions in the land with cactus.

Danger Mouse:
Ah, just as I thought: lopped off cactus. [looking down] There's a peon under that one.

Penfold:
After sitting on that seat there's a peon in my...

Danger Mouse:
Penfold!

Penfold:
[entering Greenback's arena] Oh, lovely sand! I wish I'd brought my bucket...

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
Is there a future for Penfold as an assistant secret agent, or will he have to take get job at a yo-yo factory? And will the Baron bounce back to face our heroes with fresh perills? Look out for the next astounding bounding, bouncing episode of... Danger Mouse.

Penfold:
Yep, that's thrust it!

Danger Mouse:
How long have we got?

Penfold:
Ehm, it's about one minute 47 to the closing credits.

Danger Mouse:
Then I'm going to have to do something drastic.

Danger Mouse:
Good job I was here to catch you, Penfold.

Penfold:
Yes, chief.

Danger Mouse:
There is one slight problem mind you, There wasn't anyone around to catch me.

Penfold:
Catch you, chief? [they both fall down]

Danger Mouse:
Our only chance is to take it unawares.

Penfold:
Oh, chief. [laughs] Cars don't use underwear!

Isambard Sinclair, narrator:
[narrating] London, a city rich with the homes of the famous. Buckingham Palace, home of royalty. Ten Downingstreet, home of the PM. 14B Bakerstreet, residence of Sherlock Holmes. And only a stones throw away: the worlds most famous pillarbox, home of... Danger Mouse.

Penfold:
[a loud clang] Cor, I do wish that Dr. Watson would stop throwing stones at our pillar box.

Danger Mouse:
He's only jealous, Penfold. He's only Sherlock Holmes' assistant.

Penfold:
Oh yes, I hadn't thought of that.

Colonel K:
[on viewscreen] However, our backroom boffins have come up with a device for tracking down wells...

Penfold:
Cor!

Colonel K:
It's a micro processor controlled dowzer. I'm sending it to you.

Danger Mouse:
Now sir?

Colonel K:
No, dowzer.

Danger Mouse:
No, I mean are you sending the dowzer now, sir?

Colonel K:
Dowzernowzer? What on Earth are you talking about?

Penfold:
[turns to the camera] Ehm, I'm sorry about this, this is what we call a breakdown in communications. Just chat amongst yourselves for a couple of minutes while they get it sorted out.

The Prophet of Puttinemdown:
Is it about the three thirty at Sandown part?

Danger Mouse:
No, it's about where we go from here in our search for Merlin's inkwell.

Penfold:
Aw, I'd forgotten that's what we were looking for.

Danger Mouse:
So did half of them, that's why I said it. Hm. Now where do we go from here?

The Prophet of Puttinemdown:
Have you got a mystic word?

Danger Mouse:
No.

The Prophet of Puttinemdown:
Straight to the closing credits then.

Danger Mouse:
Lend me a copper coin, I haven't got one.

Penfold:
Have you looked in your pockets?

Danger Mouse:
I haven't got any pockets.

Penfold:
Oh no. Have you thought of changing your tailor?

Danger Mouse:
No, but I have thought of changing my assistant.

Danger Mouse:
Good grief, it's Copperconk Cassidy!

Penfold:
Are you sure it's not Barry Mannilow in his bicycle cape?

Ernest Penfold:
[Arriving at Castle McStrangle] Oh, what a shame, the front door's locked. So, so we can't get in, and seeing as how I'm hopeless at climbing remote Scottish castles, especially before breakfast, it looks like we'll have to go back empty handed.

Danger Mouse:
Penfold, shush.

Ernest Penfold:
Right, DM. I'm now in a permanent state of shushness.

Dangermouse:
[he and Penfold are chained to cliffs with a laser edging towards them] You know how some singers can break glass with high notes?

Penfold:
Yes?

Dangermouse:
Well, I used to break up the theatres.

Dangermouse:
[singing loudly] AhAHAHAHAHAHahahahah!

[the chains break]

Penfold:
Hey! That's great!

Dangermouse:
Yes. The theatre owners didn't think so, though.