Dave the Barbarian

[repeated line]

Fang:
I AM NOT A MONKEY!

[repeated line]

Dave:
Beejabbers!

Chuckles the Silly Piggy:
I'm the master of all evil. THE MASTER OF ALL EVIL! I can't help it if I have an adorably, curly tail.

Dave:
Ready, Lula?

Lula the Magic Sword:
I refuse to come out like this.

Dave:
What's wrong?

Lula the Magic Sword:
Her *ladyship* thought I needed a more "civilized" look.

[she comes out covered with... ]

Dave:
Are those roses?

Lula the Magic Sword:
Yes.

Dave:
Cause I'm ALLERGIC TO ROSES.

Candy:
Don't mess with the prin-cess.

Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
Storyteller: And so, the battle rages on and on, month after month, year after year...

Dave:
Uh, it's only been five minutes.

Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
Storyteller: I don't know why I try.

[performing a musical of his own making]

Dave:
Alas, poor Danish. What is thy filling? Just ask the Danish prince. You're filled with... [singing] Cheese and sugar / cheese and sugar / with the texture / of a booger...

[fighting a dragon]

Dave:
[to Lula] Come on! Do one of those magic energy blast dealies.

Lula the Magic Sword:
What? And get a nasty letter from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dragons?

Candy:
Ooh, the new goats are in.

Candy:
This is my secret princess pad. Absolutely NOBODY else knows it's here.

[toilet flush, and Oswidge walks out of the bathroom]

Oswidge:
Sorry, the upstairs one wasn't working.

Chuckles the Silly Piggy:
Ooooooh, my little piggy ribcage!

[Dave is screaming and running around the world and comes across some polar bears fishing]

Dave:
AHHHHHHHHH!

Polar Bear 1:
What was that?

Polar Bear 2:
If it ain't fish, I ain't interested, that's my motto.

Chuckles the Silly Piggy:
Here's a fork so you can EAT YOUR WORDS!

Chuckles the Silly Piggy:
[after being crushed by an ogre] You crushed my little piggy spleen!

Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
I had that dream again. You know. The one where I do obscene things to penguins with a croquet mallet.

Candy:
We definitely need to get you out of the stable more.

Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
Faffy couldn't help but to wonder: would the other dragons like him? Would they be nice to him or would they poke him and call him Jasper?

Dave:
Can you keep him busy? I've got a plan.

Fang:
You promise your plan isn't, "I bet I can get away while Fang keeps him busy"?

Dave:
Promise.

Dave:
Why should I help her?

Fang:
I think you already know the answer.

Dave:
Right. Because Candy's my sister, and family is very important.

Fang:
I was gonna say because if he didn't, I'd rip off his head and play volleyball with it, but I like his version better.

Bogmelon:
It also works on armpits!

Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
...For it is they, they who will suffer!

Candy:
Whatever. Can we go now?

[pause]

Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
Yeah.

Chuckles the Silly Piggy:
Get away! I'm too pink to die!

Dave:
But I don't wanna be a barbarian!

Fang:
You did when you were ten!

Dave:
Yes, but I thought it meant a librarian that also cuts hair.

Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
I made you a song... of joy.

[puts record on]

Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
[singing] I had a dream about... some shrieking rats / With red hot pokers, and big pointy hats / They didn't listen to my cries... or screams / But took their nastiness to *wild* extremes!

Dave:
[trying to hide Faffy from Strom the Slayer in a fish bowl] You're going to have to give up this whole *breathing* thing.

Candy:
He was your first owner? [pointing to Argon] Psshaw, you're like, 20,000 years old.

Lula the Magic Sword:
[preparing to fire energy beam] [shouts] What's your point?

Candy:
Uhh... you don't look a day older than 16,000.

Candy:
Okay, I've figured out a way to get you and Argon back together, but you have to utterly respect my every decision.

Lula the Magic Sword:
How about, instead I don't?

Candy:
Works for me.

Oswidge:
Wow, it's a whole new kind of music! I'm gonna call it Rock & Roll, because it was like being hit with a rock, and I'm hungry for a roll.

Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
And so, with a speed Dave usually reserves for fleeing in terror.

Dave:
Go team!

Candy:
Could I BE a bigger freak?

Lula the Magic Sword:
Based on your genetics, I'd say the prospects are terrific.

Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
I'd like to try out for the part... of the Grim Reaper... who ushers screaming souls into the next life...

Dave:
There is no Grim Reaper in this play.

Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
I could improvise!

Chuckles the Silly Piggy:
They found the weak point! Ooh, I knew I shouldn't of labeled it!

Candy:
[speaking about naming Halloween] We're in a hall... Full of weenies... Let's call it... ARBOR DAY!