Serial Mom

Beverly:
I'm sorry detective, but we don't allow gum in this house.

Chip Sutphin:
Dad, you don't think she did it, do you?

Misty Sutphin:
I do! Mom's gone crazy.

Eugene Sutphin:
Your mother may have some problems. That's all, Chip.

Chip Sutphin:
If mom's psycho, Scotty will still be okay, won't he?

Eugene Sutphin:
We hope so, son. And no matter what your mother is, we'll love her anyway.

Cop:
Be on the lookout for Beverly Sutphin. She is considered armed and f***in' nuts!

Misty Sutphin:
I'm stood up! I'll kill that bastard!

Beverly Sutphin:
Don't use words unless you mean them, Misty.

Beverly Sutphin:
Do I need a lawyer?

Chip Sutphin:
You need an agent.

Chip:
So happy I could sh*t.

Beverly:
Chip, you know how I hate the brown word.

Misty Sutphin:
He killed people, mom.

Beverly Sutphin:
We all have our bad days.

Detective Gracey:
I should warn you. This note contains, uh, language.

Beverly Sutphin:
Officers, life doesn't have to be ugly. See, look at the birds out there. Listen to their call.

Beverly Sutphin:
I don't like to read about movies. They're so violent.

Father Boyce:
Jesus said nothing to condemn capital punishment as he hung on the cross, did he?

Father Boyce:
If ever there was a time to go on record against the death penalty, wasn't it that night? Capital punishment is already the law in the state of Maryland. So what are we waiting for, fellow Christians? Let's just do it.

Rosemary Ackerman:
I tell you I saw blood on the bottom of her shoes, not exactly blood, it was gore, hanging there like a runny nose.

Beverly Sutphin:
The only "serial" I know anything about is Rice Krispies.

Beverly Sutphin:
So you admitted you just lied!

Dottie Hinkle:
No I don't, you b*tch!

Dottie Hinkle:
Did you see that... she just said "F*** you" to me!

Beverly:
Let the records show I'm merely standing here!

Dottie Hinkle:
F*** you too, you whore!

Beverly Sutphin:
You can't wear white after Labor Day!

Juror #8:
That's not true anymore.

Beverly Sutphin:
Yes it is! Didn't your mother tell you?

Juror #8:
No! Please! Fashion has changed!

Beverly Sutphin:
No... it hasn't.

Policewoman:
Bust the b*tch!

Chip:
Hey, dad, have you ever seen Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer?

Eugene:
I most certainly have not!

Eugene:
Listen to this, [reading from the newspaper] "Hillside Strangler gets his college degree in prison".

Beverly:
That's nice, dear.

Eugene:
Nice? He should have been executed!

Misty:
He killed people, mom!

Beverly:
We all have our bad days.

Chip:
Is there a killer loose?!

Detective Pike:
No, son, nothing that exciting.

[Beverly calls Dottie Hinkle]

Dottie Hinkle:
Hello?

Beverly Sutphin:
Is this the Cocksucker residence?

Dottie Hinkle:
God damn you! Stop calling here!

Beverly Sutphin:
Isn't this 4215 P*ssy Way?

Dottie Hinkle:
You b*tch!

Beverly Sutphin:
Now let me check the zip code. Two-one-two-f***-you?

Dottie Hinkle:
The police are tracing this call this very minute.

Beverly Sutphin:
Well, Dottie Hinkle, then why aren't they here, huh, fuckface?

Dottie Hinkle:
F*** YOU! [hangs up]

Beverly Sutphin:
[laughs manically]

[Beverly immediately calls Dottie back]

Dottie Hinkle:
Didn't I just say f*** you!?

Beverly Sutphin:
[in a different voice] I beg your pardon!

Dottie Hinkle:
Who is this?

Beverly Sutphin:
Mrs. Wilson from the telephone company. I understand you're having problems with an obscene phone caller?

Dottie Hinkle:
Yes, I am; I'm sorry, Mrs. Wilson, but this is driving me crazy! I have my number changed twice already. I'm a divorced woman, please help me.

Beverly Sutphin:
Well what exactly does this sick individual say to you?

Dottie Hinkle:
I can't say the words out loud, I don't use bad language.

Beverly Sutphin:
Oh well, I know it's difficult, but we need to know the exact words.

Dottie Hinkle:
I'll try. Cocksucker, that's what she calls me.

Beverly Sutphin:
[reverting to the original voice] Listen to your filthy mouth, you f***in' whore!

Dottie Hinkle:
Goddamn you!

Beverly Sutphin:
Motherf***er!

Dottie Hinkle:
Cocksucker!

Misty:
Mother! It's Carl! He's dead!

Beverly:
How horrible. Oh, I just sold the Peewee Herman doll!

Dottie Hinkle:
Nice as pie she was to me, then I hear her say it.

Detective:
Say what?

Dottie Hinkle:
Are those... I can't say the words out loud.

Detective:
Could you tell a police woman the exact words she used?

Dottie Hinkle:
Maybe.

Police woman:
It's okay, nobody's gonna hurt you. Come on, let it out.

Dottie Hinkle:
P*SSY! That's what she said to me! P*SSY WILLOW!

Chip:
You know, Mom, Scotty thinks you're the killer.

Beverly:
[laughs] Does he? You know, for someone who doesn't wear his seatbelt Scotty sure is nosy.

Chip:
Tell me the truth, Mom. Really, it's okay with me. Are you a serial killer?

Beverly:
Chip, the only serial I know anything about is Rice Krispies!

Birdie:
You're bigger than Freddy and Jason now! Only you're a real person!

Beverly:
Do you think I need a lawyer?

Chip:
You need an agent!

Beverly:
Mrs. Hinkle, do you drink?

Dottie Hinkle:
No, I don't.

Beverly:
So you were not drunk when you received those allegedly obscene phone calls?

Dottie Hinkle:
I certainly was not.

Beverly:
You mean to tell me the day I came over to Mrs. Ackerman's, the day you claim you recognized my voice, you were not drinking?

Dottie Hinkle:
One beer with lunch is hardly drinking.

Beverly:
So you do drink?

Dottie Hinkle:
Socially. I'll have a beer.

Beverly:
So you admit you just lied?

Dottie Hinkle:
No I don't, you b*tch!

Judge:
Watch your mouth, Mrs. Hinkle.

[Beverly whispers "f*** you" to Dottie]

Dottie Hinkle:
Did you see that?! She just said "f*** you" to me!

Beverly:
Let the record show I'm merely standing here!

Dottie Hinkle:
F*** you too, you whore!

Judge:
I'm warning you, Mrs. Hinkle. One more obscenity and I'll charge you with contempt of court.

Beverly:
Mrs. Hinkle, are you insane?

Dottie Hinkle:
No I'm not, you motherf***er!

Judge:
Mrs. Hinkle, I found you guilty of contempt, and I sentence you to a $1,000 fine and five days in jail. Lock her up.

Dottie Hinkle:
You cocksucker! You lousy pig f***er! You b*tch! You ugly whore! Let go of me!

Beverly Sutphin:
[after murdering someone] I don't know what it is about today but I feel great!

Beverly Sutphin:
Are those... p*ssy willows?

Beverly Sutphin:
[after bludgeoning Mrs. Jenson] Rewind!

Beverly Sutphin:
Suzanne Sommers! This is my bad side!

Eugene Sutphin:
[during sex with Beverly] Oh honey, you are hot tonight!

Chip Sutphin:
[in response to Misty telling the family about her new love interest] You sure can pick 'em.

Misty Sutphin:
Chip! Our mother is Charles Manson!

Ralph Sterner:
[while having teeth drilled] Help me Betty! He's worse than the dentist in the Marathon Man!

Marvin Pickles:
There was a lady in the men's room, I swear! A pretty little lady, in the stall right next to me!

Emma Lou Jenson:
[talking to her dog] Come on, lick Mommy's feet. Get 'em all wet!

Detective:
Proceed with caution; she is armed. And f***in' nuts!

Mrs. Jenson:
[having to pay $1 extra to Chip for not rewinding the film] Keep the change you son of a psycho!