Delocated

Jon:
I'm sorry. I guess today we should call it the Skalocaust.

Seth:
Hey, it's America's newest reality TV star!

Jon:
Hey, it's America's biggest a**hole!

Jon:
I am having a good time! I am having a good time!

Jon:
I'm David's dad, my name is Jon. I just wanna make sure no-one out there thinks there was a bank SKA-bber running around! Oh c'mon! Bank ska-bber, bank robber, bank ska-bber. Robber, ska, ska-bber. Easily the most creative and less obvious ska pun of the night gets nothing, I see. Okay, I didn't even wanna do this in the first place. I wouldn't even be thinking of ska puns, wasting my time with it, if David hadn't decided to... disgrace God with a ska-themed bar mitzvah.

Chris:
You should get some air.

Jon:
What? Get some air? Get some SKA, hows that?

Jon:
Don't push me! You protect me!

Jon:
Wait, hold on a second. Dennis Farina was here?... and no-one comes to get me? He's my favorite actor! Thanks a lot, once in a lifetime chance. Y'know I do an awesome Farina? He'd look at me and go 'Oh my God, you do me so great. I can't believe it, it's like looking in the mirror, this guy.'

Jon:
I know things were crazy at the end of season one... but things are gonna be great for season two.

Kim:
Please don't refer to our life as seasons.

Kim:
Jon, I am not packing for a vacation.

Jon:
Alright, we'll stay here... have a stay-cation. Or, even better... check into the Hotel Jon, have a lay-cation. Check into the meat suite. Up and down all night, make ya feel alright.

Jon:
A brand new sandwich?

Nicky:
In honor of your short-lived political career.

Jon:
It is stunning. I'm honored. Wow. [takes a bite of the sandwich] Mmm. Crack of the crust. The taste of the must... tard, mustard. Doing backflips on my tongue. Flippity floppity, tippity toppity, taste don't stoppity. Too much taste. Haste makes taste. None goes to waste. I'm chewing and I'm doing. Mmm. Don't stop the flavor. Flavor wave. Wave flav.

Jon:
That is great news. SO happy for you. Too bad for me... that my wife is leaving me to f*** some dude. But, hey man, glad your cat's gonna be okay. PSYCHED. So good. Super news, buddy. GREAT seeing you!

Jon:
Psychologically rape me once; shame on you. Psychologically rape me twice; cock-a-doodle doo, Jon will sue.

Jon:
Call the court, set it up.

Bryce Grieke:
There's no phone-calls involved.

Jon:
Let me know after you've called court when we're all set.

Bryce Grieke:
There's no phone-calls involved, we just file paperwork.

Jon:
WE'RE GONNA TAKE 'EM DOWN!

Jon:
Oh, I'll make do. I'll make do with you.

Jon:
[crying] My life is being portrayed on TV in an unflattering light.

Ross:
It'd be a shame if my driver accidentally slipped out of my hands and hit you in the head.

Jon:
Yeah, it'd be a shame if my driver... slipped out of my penis and hit you in the hands.

Mike:
You really screwed up that insult.

Jon:
Oh yeah, by all means, don't feel bad... calling me a dick in front of my son. Don't feel bad about that at all! You've obviously been given a very one-sided picture of me, and that's fine. But there are two sides to every story; on one side, you've got the jilted wife... who was scared and bailed out on her husband in his greatest time of need, and let strange men call her ex-husband a dick in front of her son! The other side of the story is that I'm an honorary black man who is way too proud and confident to worry about it.

Jon:
[upon receiving an invitation to the Witness Protection mixer] It's here.

Rob:
It's here!

Jon, Rob:
[excitedly jumping up and down in a circle] IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE!

Jon:
I'll rip your f***ing face off! I'll rip it off and I'll put it on my face, and I'll infiltrate your family and kill your friends, you like that? You ever see Face/Off? You ever see that movie, a**hole? Somebody get this a**hole Face/Off! Get him a DVD, guys! Go to the store, there's a Tower down the street. Show it to him.

Rob:
Get him a DVD.

Jon:
Make sure you get the Criterion one, the one that's got extras on it. There's two different DVDs. Y'know what? Get both. Get both.

Greg DiPietro:
Jon, come here.

Jon:
Get ready to watch a movie, a**hole.

Jon:
Fire up the fire-up chainsaw!

Jon:
I'm not really supposed to talk about what I did for a living previously... but let's just say it rhymed with architect.

Date #2:
I hope you're not allergic to cats.

Jon:
I hope you're not allergic to love.

Jon:
I'm also in the... sexual intercourse protection program.

Mike:
I like Kim. She keeps things light.

Jon:
Keepin' it light... is outta sight.

Jon:
Even though I don't love you, and I certainly don't love you enough to get married, I still want you to be my exclusive girlfriend. Promise me that, even though you're gonna fantasize about other dudes and, y'know, it's like you can't get over the top with your orgasm and you gotta go to your go-to guy, maybe it's like your high school boyfriend. Whoever you do that thing with, y'know, just promise me you'll never take him to the bone zone. For real. Just me.

Jon:
Can't do anything without being followed by a camera. You can't even coze out with your gal... rap myself up in that smokin' bod. Sweetheart, I'm just making a point. Your body is awesome, it's insane, and I can't enjoy it with cameras around. IT SUCKS!

Music Producer:
This is Napping Sounds with Jon, take one.

Jon:
Welcome to Napping Sounds with Jon. We got a lot of tired babies out there, so let's get right to it. Y'know, I've been told that I've got a very soothing voice... so don't try to fight it. Think of my voice as a fist, think of you trying to stay awake as the face... think of that fist punching that face... right in the face. Over and over and over again.