Desperate Housewives

Lynette:
Do you know what psychological warfare is?

[shakes his head]

Porter Scavo:
No?

Lynette:
Too bad for you.

Lynette:
Hi. My baby-sitter cancelled.

Bree:
I've got millions of errands to run so...

Lynette:
Please hear me out, this is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours - there are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress, I have make-up on.

Bree:
If it were any other day?

Lynette:
Oh, for God's sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.

Tom:
I love you because you did the right thing, and I admire your bravery.

Lynette:
And I love you because you find ways to compliment me when you could just say, "I told you so."

[They kiss, then Tom says something in sign language]

Lynette:
You just signed "I told you so", didn't you?

Tom:
You'll never prove it.

Karl:
The heart wants what it wants!

Susan:
Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I'm able to control myself!

Julie:
When was the last time you had sex?

[Susan stops what she is doing]

Julie:
Are you mad that I asked?

Susan:
No, I'm just trying to remember.

Bree:
How could we have all forgotten about this?

Lynette:
We didn't exactly forget. It's just usually when the hostess dies, the party is off.

Julie:
[mocking Susan] Dear diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive.

Susan:
Shut up.

Yao Lin:
I don't like lies.

Gabrielle:
Yeah, well I don't like your ironing. So there.

Gabrielle:
I want a sexy little convertible! And I want to buy one, right now!

Maserati Saleswoman:
I'll go start the paperwork.

Gabrielle:
Well, not this one. I... vomited in this one.

[about the kids]

Lynette:
Why don't I just put them back in me and cook 'em until they're civilized?

Tom:
You'd be cool with that?

Bree:
Girls, you don't understand. This poor kid is scared out of his mind.

Gabrielle:
Oh, for God's sake, Bree. You're a woman. Manipulate him. That's what we do.

Bree:
But how?

Gabrielle:
I don't know. How did you usually manipulate Rex?

[Bree thinks about it, and smiles]

Bree:
I love sex. I love everything about it: the sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then when you add friction. MMMmmmm. The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself; two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean obviously it has its practical applications but I'm just not a fan.

Mary Alice:
It's a rare man that understands the value of a perfect rose.

Susan:
Hey, Edie!

Edie:
Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.

Gabrielle:
Before we got married we made a deal, remember? No kids.

Carlos:
Deals are meant to be renegotiated.

Gabrielle:
We're not negotiating my uterus.

Bree:
Yes, well, I have some bad news. Rex died.

Betty Applewhite:
Bree, us widows have to stick together.

Betty Applewhite:
In the future, leave the cleverness to me.

Bree:
[Rex has just admitted that he is a masochist] What the hell did your mother do to you?

Bree:
Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it.

Edie:
[Susan walks over to Edie deliberately to show off and looks very stylish and beautiful] Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.

Susan:
Yeah... I have a date... with Mike. We kissed, FYI...

[Susan leaves, leaving Edie with her mouth wide-open]

Edie:
[Susan comes back from Mike canceling the date] So, how was the big date?

Susan:
Mike had to reschedule.

Edie:
Aww... 'cause of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? How devastating for you... FYI!

Mr. Shaw:
Sometimes evil drives a minivan.

Paul Young:
[asking about selling the house] Will I have to tell them about my wife's death in the house?

Edie:
[applying make-up] Yeah. Legal crap. People get really freaked out by suicides. Hell, I get the willies just standing here.

Paul Young:
Is there any other option?

Edie:
[applying lipstick] Well, you could say that she shot herself in the house, then crawled out back to die...

John Rowland:
[John and Gabrielle are lying in her bed together after sex] You know what I don't get?

Gabrielle:
What?

John Rowland:
Why you married Mr. Solis.

Gabrielle:
Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted.

John Rowland:
Well, did he?

Gabrielle:
Yes.

John Rowland:
Then... why aren't you happy?

Gabrielle:
Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.

John Rowland:
So. Do you love him?

Gabrielle:
[sighs] I do.

John Rowland:
Well, then, why are we here? Why are we doing this?

Gabrielle:
Because I don't wanna wake up some morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out.

Edie:
[Susan is modeling at a charity fashion show and walks off the catwalk looking tattered, dress ripped to shreds and humiliated] She never looked better!

[Rex has asked for a divorce in a family restaurant]

Rex:
Are we gonna talk about what I said?

Bree:
If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled Chicks and Dudes, you are out of your mind.

George Williams:
Well... I'll see you, Dr. Van De Kamp.

Rex:
Please, you're dating my wife. Call me Rex.

Rex:
Look at you... going out?

Bree:
Not that it's any of your business, but I have a date.

Rex:
A date... what kind of date?

Bree:
Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor said any more stress could cause another heart attack.

[pause]

Bree:
It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man and I intend to french the hell out of him.

Bree:
[to Rex] Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection.

Gabrielle:
Damn it, John! What's our new rule?

John Rowland:
[sadly] Stop pretending we have a future.

Mary Alice:
Yes, sooner or later we must all grow up. No-one knows this better than the young.

Mary Alice:
An odd thing happens when we die, our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell and sound become a distant memory, but our sight? Ah, our sight expands and we can suddenly see the world we left behind so clearly. Of course most of what's visible to the dead could also be seen by the living, if they would only take the time to look.

Julie:
[to Susan] I always assumed I'd have sex for the first time before you had it again.

Susan:
Every time we went out for pizza you could have said, "Hey, I once killed a man".

[after breaking up with Mike]

Susan:
Julie, Mommy needs a hug!

Bree:
[sighting down the P-08 Luger she has been given] George! This is so much better than an orchid!

Danielle:
We're not like other families, are we?

[Bree has told Dr. Goldfine that she's going to ignore all her problems with Rex and stay with him]

Dr. Goldfine:
Bree, how does this reconciliation have a chance if the two of you can't be honest about the innermost parts of your lives?

Bree:
We're, um, WASPs, Dr. Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best.

Dr. Goldfine:
You'd settle for that - a life filled with repression and denial?

Bree:
And dinner parties. Don't forget the dinner parties.

[Rex has just told Bree about his masochism]

Rex:
For God's sake, you promised to be supportive.

Bree:
What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?

John Rowland:
This is great. Got tons of homework tonight. It's always easier to concentrate after sex.

Gabrielle:
Well, I'm glad I could help. Education's very important.

Edie:
What the hell kind of street do we live on, anyway?

Susan:
Do you believe in evil, Edie?

Edie:
Of course I believe in evil - I work in real estate.

John Rowland:
What other option do you have? Except return the shoes and get your money back.

Gabrielle:
Return the shoes? I can't talk to you when you're hysterical.

Mary Alice:
Human beings are designed for many things. Loneliness isn't one of them.

Edie:
[to Bree] You could have an affair with anyone and you choose the pharmacist? You are such a Republican.

Carlos:
Hey, Gabby, aren't we breast feeding?

Gabrielle:
Oh, honey, if you could swing that one, more power to ya.

Bree:
[to Rex] When is your midlife crisis going to end, because it's really starting to tick me off!

Bree:
You've obviously never had to remove a cheese stain!

Susan:
What are you smiling about?

Mike Delfino:
I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are. They were all just answered.

Edie:
[Betty and her son Matthew have just moved into the neighborhood] Well, if you need me to come in at any time then, I'll...

Betty Applewhite:
[firmly] Edie, we are fine. Thank you.

[repeated line]

Bree:
Oh, my heavenly days!

Rex:
So, these "tennis lessons" we're taking, how are we doing?

Bree:
My backhand is improving greatly, but you're still having problems with your serve.

Zach Young:
Thank you, Mrs. Van De Kamp.

Bree:
[turning] For what?

Zach Young:
Remembering my mother.

Bree:
[final words to Rex] You look magnificent.

Carlos:
We're not very nice people, are we?

Gabrielle:
No. We're not.

Carlos:
Aw, when we got married I thought we were gonna be so happy.

Gabrielle:
Me too. [pause] Look on the bright side - at least we're still rich.

Carlos:
Thank God for that.

Gabrielle:
Please calm down!

John Rowland:
This doesn't make any sense. Okay you love me. I know you love me.

Gabrielle:
Love isn't enough. Where would we live? Here? With your roommates? The only decoration in the bathroom is a bong!

John Rowland:
We could get our own place.

Gabrielle:
How? You're barely making minimum wage!

John Rowland:
Okay, sure. We'd be poor at first, but we'd be happy.

Gabrielle:
I've tried poor, but happy. Guess what? Wasn't that happy!

Paul Young:
You know, Julie is a very special girl.

Zach Young:
I know.

Paul Young:
She could have just about any boy she wants... I think you're a wonderful kid, I do, but you're not that special, Zach, not really.

Susan:
It was an accident, Karl. Edie knows it was an accident, right?

Karl:
She knows you could've killed her. As it is, she's got a shattered tibia.

Susan:
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I sent roses. Did she get the roses?

Karl:
Yep, she cut herself with the thorns.

Danielle Van De Kamp:
Why can't we ever have normal soups? Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?

Bree Van De Kamp:
Well, Danielle, your father is deathly allergic to onions, and I won't even dignify your *navy bean* suggestion with a response.

David:
You're not willing to get a divorce, but you're willing to have an affair?

Gabrielle:
I said I was Catholic, not a fanatic.

Edie:
Well, someone might as well say it... Susan, what the hell have you been smoking?

Sister Mary Bernard:
Money can't buy happiness.

Gabrielle:
Sure it can! That's just a lie we tell poor people to keep them from rioting.

Gabrielle:
The way I see it is that good friends support each other after something bad has happened, great friends act as if nothing has happened.

Bree:
Well, then, good luck on your remodel.

Bree:
Gabby, this is the way I see it, good friends offer to help in a crisis, great friends don't take no for an answer.

Felicia Tilman:
Don't look shocked, Martha, makes your face look fat.

Gabrielle:
The only person more self-centred than me is Carlos, he's so self-centred he doesn't even know how self-centred I am.

Gabrielle:
I don't even know who to be angry at.

Father Crowley:
Don't be angry, be thankful, children are a gift.

Gabrielle:
I don't have time for this crap.

Tom:
Forget I said it.

Lynette:
It's too late, you just said it.

Susan:
Are you OK?

Gabrielle:
Yeah, I just didn't realise how disgusting meat can be.

Mary Alice:
Trust is a fragile thing. Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom. But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover. Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us, and total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned.

Danielle Van De Kamp:
[to Matt Applewhite, who has come into the backyard of the Van De Kamps looking for Caleb while Betty distracts Bree. He doesn't notice Danielle is standing by the pool in a bikini and an open robe, smoking a cigarette, with a big smile on her face] Hello.

Matthew Applewhite:
[Startled slightly] Oh, hello.

Danielle Van De Kamp:
[Still smiling] Looking for something?

Matthew Applewhite:
Uh, yeah. I was looking for you.

Danielle Van De Kamp:
[Starts walking towards him] Oh, really?

Matthew Applewhite:
Yeah, the day we first met, I thought you were pretty cool.

Danielle Van De Kamp:
So I'm wondering when you were going to ask me out. [as she says this, she walks over to one of the lounge chairs and bends over to straighten out the blanket on it, thus showing her butt to him. She turns her head towards him] 'Cause I'll say 'yes'.

Edie:
I know who she is. She's a man eating, scum sucking hoe bag.

Susan:
There's a good explanation for this, your father broke up with Edie last night.

Julie:
You had sex with him the night he broke up with Edie.

Susan:
I said it was a good explanation, not a great one.

George Williams:
Where are you going Bree?

Bree:
I'm taking my champagne and ageing eggs and I'm going.

Bree:
Maybe they'll just be happy for you.

Gabrielle:
Bree, my friends are models, they're not happy for anyone.

Edie:
I don't trust friendly women.

Lynette:
That's ok, they don't trust you either.

Gabrielle:
I'll send you back to China and you'll be on a rice paddy before the epidural wears off.

Nora Huntington:
You think I'm crazy.

Lynette Scavo:
No! You're... colorful. Colorful in a way that might respond to medication.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Isn't that weird? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes!

Lynette Scavo:
My favorite game is counting all the things I'm dying to say to you, but I don't! Like... "pipe down, you annoying nutjob!" I could NEVER say that.

Bree:
The photographer's asking if he can get shots of the two of us.

Katherine Mayfair:
Wait. I need to talk to you first.

Bree:
[Chuckles] I misunderstood the situation, that's all. Can we just leave it at that?

Katherine Mayfair:
No, we can't. And do you know why? Because I thought things were going well. I was having fun with you. Obviously... *I* misunderstood. So tell me, was there a straw that broke the camel's back? Or were you planning on killing me all along?

Bree:
Here's the thing you need to understand about me and my friends. We each have our niche. Gabrielle's the glamorous one, Susan's the adorable one, Lynette's smart, Edie's... Edie, and I am the domestic one, the organizer, the one that knows that there are three tines on a dessert fork. I'm the one who gets teased for that. That's who *I* am. And that's also who you are.

Katherine Mayfair:
So?

Bree:
So... I don't really know HOW to be friends with you.

Katherine Mayfair:
That's a shame, because I understand you better than all those other women do. I know how following the rules and all observing those little graces make you feel like you're in control. We've both had days where it was either set a beautiful table or curl up in a ball and die.

[Tears welling in her eyes]

Katherine Mayfair:
We're the SAME, Bree. And if you think that means we can't be friends, then I'm sorry. But it might also mean we could be BEST friends.

Edie:
Maybe we should take a break, you know, see other people.

Mike Delfino:
You're telling me this on a day when I'm put in a man's prison?

Edie:
Well I said the timing was bad.

Tom:
Oh Cram, I gotta Crap for that test!

Edie Britt:
[to Dave] I always wondered why you were so determined to live on Wisteria Lane.

Susan Mayer:
Karl. What are you doing here?

Karl Mayer:
Well I just enrolled Evan.

Susan Mayer:
Wow. and I was worried that we'd be out of each others lives forever... lucky lucky.

Karl Mayer:
What are you doing here?

Susan Mayer:
I am an art teacher.

Karl Mayer:
Really? Do they know that?

Susan Mayer:
And now I'm ignoring you and moving on to Evan. Hello Evan.

Karl Mayer:
Evan, this is Susan. She's your sister Julie's mother, we used to be married. She was a lot younger then.

Susan Mayer:
Evan, why don't you head into the classroom? I need to talk to your daddy and I may need to use some grown up words.

Karl Mayer:
Ok Susie Q, what's wrong? Get it off that chest you wouldn't let me enhance.

Susan Mayer:
Listen it's bad enough that I have one husband running around the halls. I don't need the faculty and the parents knowing that I have two. So not a word about us having been married. No more wise cracks. No Susie Q's. I am Miss Susan. Art teacher. [starts to walk off into the classroom]

Karl Mayer:
Yes Miss Susan. Can I bang your erasers after class?

Susan Mayer:
[steps out of the classroom and glares at Karl] Karl I'm serious don't mess with me. I have a yard stick and I'm not afraid to use it.

Tom Scavo:
So what do you gals do when you get together?

Gabrielle Solis:
Mostly gossip. You got any good gossip?

Tom Scavo:
...Oh I heard Ed Simmons got a new Harley!

Gabrielle Solis:
...You know I should get back...

Tom Scavo:
Come on give me a break. I'm still new at this.

Gabrielle Solis:
Ok. We'll start with something a little easier. Bitching.

Tom Scavo:
I can handle that! B*tch away!

Gabrielle Solis:
Well, I am so pissed at Carlos, he is never home. And when he is, he's to tired to do anything. And by anything I mean sex. [Tom stares at her] Are you uncomfortable?

Tom Scavo:
A little... go on.

Gabrielle Solis:
Well we've never had a drought like this it's been almost two weeks.

Tom Scavo:
Two weeks? That's a drought for you?

Gabrielle Solis:
Yeah. Lately Carlos just doesn't want to do it

Tom Scavo:
Err! Wrong! Guys always wanna do it.

Gabrielle Solis:
Really?

Tom Scavo:
Yeah!

Gabrielle Solis:
Even if you're tired and get home late?

Tom Scavo:
Even if we're exhausted and late and been shot in the leg... twice! We still want to. So you've just gotta get past the tired adult to find the horny teenage boy inside.

Gabrielle Solis:
Huh. It's good to know... You're good at this girl talk thing!

Tom Scavo:
Well thanks! So um, does Lynette ever talk about me and sex?

Gabrielle Solis:
...Yeah, I should get back...

Karl Mayer:
You called me down here for this? It's a kid playing with a soccer ball.

Susan Mayer:
It's a head and he's stabbing someone with a sword.

Karl Mayer:
Well maybe it was in self defence!

Principal Hobson:
Mr Mayer, generally when kids exhibit this type of behaviour, there's a problem [phone rings] excuse me. [looks at phone] I have to take this, sorry. [walks out of the room talking on the phone]

Karl Mayer:
Thanks for ratting out my kid on his first day!

Susan Mayer:
It's not my fault. I showed this to the school pyschologist, she gave it to the Principal. My hands are tied!

Karl Mayer:
So right away it's Evan's fault? Did you ever consider that he didn't understand the assignment?

Susan Mayer:
I told the class to draw what made them happy! All the other kids drew kittens and rainbows! Your son drew small intestines on the end of a stick!

Karl Mayer:
Let's cut to what this is really about. You hate me! And you don't want my son in your class!

Susan Mayer:
That is not true!

Karl Mayer:
It is to! You're still punishing me for what happened between us! you're still stuck in the past blaming me for your screwed up life!

Susan Mayer:
Ok well someone call Guineus because you just set the world record for the biggest load of crap in one sentence!

Karl Mayer:
Oh bite me!

Principal Hobson:
[walks back in the room] How long was I gone? [stares from Karl to Susan]

Susan Mayer:
Uh this is nothing Mr Hobson. We're just having a difference of opinion.

Karl Mayer:
Yeah. And my opinion is your teacher doesn't understand the difference between emotional problems and creativity!

Susan Mayer:
Shut up Karl!

Principal Hobson:
[to Susan] Excuse me. Did you just tell him to 'shut up'?

Karl Mayer:
You know this is typical [gestures with hand] "Susan" behaviour and you wonder why no man can stay with you!

Susan Mayer:
[throws paint in Karl's face as Principal Hobson looks on shocked] [to Principal Hobson] Would this seem any less shocking if I told you we were once married for twelve years?

Juanita Solis:
We're bored...

Lynette Scavo:
Hey I got you sodas didn't I and I let you feed the paper shredder.

Juanita Solis:
Don't you have any toys?

Lynette Scavo:
No. Got a hole puncher! Sorry that's the best I could do. Come on.

Juanita Solis:
[Juanita and Cecilia see Lucy's figurines] What about those glass things? They're pretty can we hold one?

Lynette Scavo:
Oh sweety those aren't to play with. Not unless you want to see someone go completely bonkers... Actually, they do look like a lot of fun. If only I had the power to stop you.

Carlos Solis:
[Carlos and Gabby walk down the corridor to hear Lucy yelling. Carlos to Lynette] What's with the yelling?

Lynette Scavo:
I don't know I'm just as worried as you are...

Lynette Scavo:
[to Lucy as she's packing up her office] Don't forget your little animals!...

[Lynette decides to have a family breakfast]

Lynette Scavo:
So, Parker how's that science project you've been working on?

[Cops ring the door bell and arrest Porter]

Parker Scavo:
Guess we're done talking about my science project, huh?

Lynette Scavo:
Yes, sweety we are.

[after reading the blackmail note]

Susan:
Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

[after the kids bite and knock the beefy middle-aged woman over]

Lynette Scavo:
Run, boys, run!

[a motorcycle cop pulls Lynette over]

Officer Hayes:
License and registration, please.

[she hands them to him]

Officer Hayes:
Ma'am, you know why I pulled you over?

[she looks at the kids in the back]

Lynette Scavo:
I have a theory.

Officer Hayes:
The kids were jumping up and down. They should be sitting, wearing their seatbelts.

Lynette Scavo:
I yelled at them. They never listen to me. It's very frustrating.

Officer Hayes:
Well, you have to find a way to control them. After all, that's your job.

[he hands her the ticket and walks off]

Mary Alice Young:
[narrating] Though he'd been a policeman for six years, Officer Hayes had never found himself in a truly dangerous situation. Then again, he had never before told a woman how to raise her children.

[Lynette furiously gets out of her car and slowly approaches Officer Hayes]

Lynette Scavo:
Are you saying I'm a bad mother?

Officer Hayes:
Ma'am, you need to get back in your car, please.

Lynette Scavo:
I have no help. My husband's always away on business.

Officer Hayes:
I'm gonna have to ask you to step back now.

Lynette Scavo:
My babysitter joined the Witness Relocation Program! I haven't slept through the night...

[Officer Hayes slowly reaches for his gun]

Officer Hayes:
Ma'am.

Lynette Scavo:
...in six years. And for you to stand there and judge me...

[she stands in front of Officer Hayes, who's terrified. He looks at the children, who are acting terrible]

Officer Hayes:
Okay. I'm not gonna give you a ticket. I'm just gonna let you off with a warning.

Lynette Scavo:
I accept your apology.

[she takes the warning, sighs, and gets back in the car]

Officer Hayes:
Buckle up.

Gabrielle Solis:
[to Carlos] Do you know how bored I was today? I came this close to actually cleaning the house.

[first lines]

Mary Alice Young:
[narrating voice over] An odd thing happens when we die, our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell and sound become a distant memory. But our sight? Ah, our sight expands. And we can suddenly see the world we left behind so clearly. Of course, most of what's visible to the dead could also be seen by the living, if they would only take the time to look.

Susan:
I think we should give it to Paul.

Gabrielle Solis:
He's still mourning Susan. He'll probably freak out.

Susan:
It doesn't matter. She was his wife. He deserves to have all the facts.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Well, we could do it gently. We could tell him about it over coffee and pastry.

Lynette Scavo:
That'll be fun. "Paul, we have proof your wife killed herself over some deep dark secret. Another bear claw".

Bree Van De Kamp:
[to Susan, Gabrielle and Lynette] It's the age old question, isn't it? How much do we really want to know about our neighbors?

Bree Van De Kamp:
Do you remember when you proposed?

Rex Van De Kamp:
For God's sake.

Bree Van De Kamp:
We sat on Skyline Drive and drank a bottle of apple wine and when we finished it, you turned to me and you said, "If you marry me, Bree Mason, I promise to love you for the rest of my life". And even though I was engaged to Ty Grant, and even though my Father didn't like you, I said yes.

Rex Van De Kamp:
That was a long time ago.

Bree Van De Kamp:
You're gonna cancel the meeting with that divorce lawyer and we're gonna find ourselves a marriage counselor.

Julie Mayer:
[mocking Susan] "Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive".

Susan:
Shut up.

Julie Mayer:
If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out.

Susan:
I keep hoping he'll ask me out.

Julie Mayer:
How's that going?

Susan:
Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends?

Carlos Solis:
[to Gabrielle] When a man buys a woman expensive jewelry, there are many things he may want in return. For future reference, conversation ain't one of them.

Edie Britt:
[to Mrs. Huber] It's all gone. Everything my ex-husband worked for all those years, gone.

Rex Van De Kamp:
[to Dr.Goldfine] This is the thing you've got to know about Bree, she doesn't like to talk about her feelings. To be honest, it's hard to know if she has any. Does she feel anger, rage, ecstasy? Who knows? She's always pleasant, and I can't tell you how annoying that is. Whatever she feels, it's so far below the surface...

John Rowland:
Ah. This is great. I got tons of homework tonight. It's so easy to concentrate after sex.

Gabrielle Solis:
Well, I'm glad I could help. Education is very important.

Martha Huber:
Susan, have you been able to find any old clothes for Edie? She has nothing to wear.

Susan:
I thought that was the look she was going for.

Martha Huber:
Oh, Susan! Edie may be trash but she's still a human being!

Paul Young:
[to Susan about Mary Alice] I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she was bored. It doesn't matter. She abandoned her husband and her son, and I'll never forgive her.

Mike Delfino:
Should I have told her we were having steak? She's not like, a vegetarian or something, is she?

Susan:
Oh, no, no. No, Edie's definitely a carnivore.

Susan:
Julie? Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night.

Julie Mayer:
He did? Cool.

Susan:
But only I'm going. Because you're gonna come down with something semi-serious that requires bed-rest and fluids. [Runs up the stairs as she squeals]

Dr. Albert Goldfine:
[to Bree] I'm sure Freud would not approve of this.

Gabrielle Solis:
So now you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike?

Susan:
Yeah, well, if Edie's gonna be there, I'm gonna need emotional support.

Gabrielle Solis:
I can't believe she wormed her way in. How did you let her do that?

Susan:
I don't know, I was gonna take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast.

Gabrielle Solis:
Well, you know what you need to do. You need to get there early, spend a little time with Mike before little barracuda gets there.

Susan:
That's a good idea. Edie will get there at five forty five, which means her breasts will arrive at five thirty, so I should shoot for five.

Beefy Middle-Aged Woman:
Listen, it seems to me that you have some anger management issues.

Lynette Scavo:
I have four kids under the age of six. I absolutely have anger management issues.

Mary Alice Young:
[narrating voice over] Susan was furious with Edie for using a dog to ingratiate herself with its owner. She was also furious with Mike for not seeing through this blatant maneuver. But most of all, she was furious with herself for not having thought of it first.

[last lines]

Mary Alice Young:
[narrating voice over] Yes, as I look back at the world I left behind, it's all so clear to me. The beauty that waits to be unveiled, the mysteries that long to be uncovered, but people so rarely stop to take a look, they just keep moving. It's a shame, really... There is so much... to see. [the toy chest comes out of the lake]

Mary Alice Young:
[narrating voice over] It's a rare man that understands the value of a perfect rose.

[last lines]

Mary Alice:
Competition, it means different things to different people. But whether it's a friendly rivalry... or a fight to the death... the end result is the same. There will be winners... and there will be losers. Of course, the trick is to know which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a price.

Bree Van De Kamp:
God, I couldn't wait to get rid of them! So, Lynette said that you found Zack.

Susan Mayer:
He's at a rehabilitation center. Julie snuck in and actually talked to him.

Lynette Scavo:
Did he say anything about his mother's suicide?

Susan Mayer:
There wasn't enough time. He did say one thing that was kind of mysterious. He said something happened to someone named Dana, and that he could never ever talk about it.

Gabrielle Solis:
Who the hell's Dana?

Lynette Scavo:
That's the mystery part.

Susan Mayer:
I figure Dana has something to do with what Mary Alice was trying to hide.

Lynette Scavo:
So somebody found out Mary Alice's secret...

Bree Van De Kamp:
...and sent the note.

Gabrielle Solis:
So who the hell is that?

Tom Scavo:
Wow, honey, look, this place looks spotless!

Lynette Scavo:
Thanks.

Tom Scavo:
Listen, I have come up with this killer idea for the Spotless Scrub campaign.

Lynette Scavo:
Great! You wanna run it by me?

Tom Scavo:
No. I'm good. But, thanks.

Lynette Scavo:
Okay.

Tom Scavo:
Well, that's the thing. You know how whenever I pitch in the boardroom at work, how Kennesey always tears my ideas down in front of the partners?

Lynette Scavo:
Yeah?

Tom Scavo:
I invited the partners and their wives over so I could pitch to them here. And I thought we could make a formal dinner for six. We could sit, we could...

Lynette Scavo:
And when exactly would this formal dinner take place?

Tom Scavo:
Uh... day after tomorrow!

Lynette Scavo:
Tom!

Tom Scavo:
Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know I know it's short notice.

Lynette Scavo:
You think? How am I supposed to pull off a formal dinner with no warning?

Tom Scavo:
I don't know. Bree Van de Kamp does this kind of thing all the time...

Lynette Scavo:
What did you say?

Tom Scavo:
Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. That's - you know what, forget it. I'll call and I'll cancel. Don't worry about it.

Lynette Scavo:
No, no. Let's, let's do it.

Tom Scavo:
Really?

Lynette Scavo:
Yeah, it's good for your career. I'll pull it off.

Gabrielle Solis:
It's me. Don't turn around, my mother-in-law can see you.

John Rowland:
I hate that she's always watching us.

Gabrielle Solis:
So meet me at the motel in an hour? John?

John Rowland:
Uh, I've got plans.

Gabrielle Solis:
So cancel.

John Rowland:
They're with Danielle. We're going to the movies.

Gabrielle Solis:
That sounds like a date.

John Rowland:
Yeah.

Gabrielle Solis:
Well, I have a problem with you seeing other girls.

Rex Van De Kamp:
You're going to ruin his whole future over a little rough housing?

Bree Van De Kamp:
Rex, this was practically assault.

Rex Van De Kamp:
Mrs. Stark, what Andrew did was clearly wrong, but in his defense, his mother and I are going through severe marital problems.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Is that relevant?

Rex Van De Kamp:
Our marriage is disintegrating. Of course Andrew is acting out. He has every right to be angry.

Bree Van De Kamp:
If Andrew is angry about you moving out of the house, then perhaps he should shove your head into a locker!

Rex Van De Kamp:
All I'm saying, is that we need to take some of the responsibility here.

Bree Van De Kamp:
And so does Andrew! Blaming his actions on our problems... which are not so serious... does not help him.

Rex Van De Kamp:
Our problems are serious!

Bree Van De Kamp:
Mrs. Stark, you handle this however you see fit.

Rex Van De Kamp:
Bree, I've gone to an attorney. You're gonna to be served with divorce papers later today.

Bree Van De Kamp:
You went to an attorney?

Rex Van De Kamp:
Yeah! And a good one too!

Bree Van De Kamp:
Well he better be good, because when I'm finished with you, you won't have a cent to your name!

Rex Van De Kamp:
Bring it on!

Julie Mayer:
Mom, you're getting too dressed up.

Susan Mayer:
I know, but I wanna look really sexy.

Julie Mayer:
I told Mike I expect him to have you home by eleven.

Susan Mayer:
Hmm. How about midnight?

Julie Mayer:
All right, but no later. You know how I worry. So, you, uh, got protection?

Susan Mayer:
Oh my god. We are so not having this conversation.

Julie Mayer:
We are because I enjoy being an only child.

Susan Mayer:
Are you finished?

Julie Mayer:
Almost. You know, I always assumed I would have sex for the first time before you would have it again.

Susan Mayer:
Okay, you can leave now.

Susan Mayer:
Hey, Edie!

Edie Britt:
Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.

Susan Mayer:
Oh this? Well, I have a date. Right now. With Mike. We kissed. FYI.

Susan Mayer:
Ooo, love that jacket. Good choice.

Mike Delfino:
Um, look, Susan, I'm really sorry, but I've got to cancel. I had an -unexpected house guest.

Kendra Taylor:
Coming through! Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm Kendra.

Susan Mayer:
Susan.

Kendra Taylor:
I'm gonna run to the car and get my stuff.

Mike Delfino:
I know how this looks, but there is nothing between us. Kendra is just an old friend.

Susan Mayer:
Old friend?

Mike Delfino:
Yeah, you know...

Susan Mayer:
Yeah. Yeah. No, actually no, I don't know. So, by old friend, do you mean college pal, bowling buddy, saved you from drowning?

Mike Delfino:
It's hard to explain.

Susan Mayer:
Could you give it a shot?

Kendra Taylor:
Mike, I'm going to go upstairs and take a shower.

Mike Delfino:
I promise, I'll make this up to you. And you look... amazing.

Kendra Taylor:
Mike, where are the towels?

Susan Mayer:
Thanks.

Edie Britt:
Hey, how was your big date?

Susan Mayer:
Mike had to reschedule.

Edie Britt:
Oh. Because of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? Gosh, how devastating for you. FYI.

Paul Young:
Look, I just want to move this place fast. I'll do whatever we have to do.

Edie Britt:
Well, that's good to know. You do realize that you're going to have to disclose the fact that your wife killed herself in the house.

Paul Young:
I am?

Edie Britt:
Oh, yeah. Legal crap. You know, people get really freaked out by suicides. You can't blame 'em. Hell, I get the willies just standing here.

Paul Young:
Is there any way to get around it?

Edie Britt:
Off the record? You could say that she shot herself in the living room, and then crawled out back to die. Well, I'm just saying! Oh, I've gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow.

Gabrielle Solis:
Hey, Danielle.

Danielle Van De Kamp:
Hey, Mrs. Solis.

Gabrielle Solis:
Oh, Danielle, remember when you said you wanted to be a model?

Danielle Van De Kamp:
You remember that? That was, like, last summer!

Gabrielle Solis:
Well, as it turns out, Pershing Modeling Academy has an opening for their summer program. Would you like me to sponsor you?

Danielle Van De Kamp:
Would I? Oh my god, that's like one of the best schools in the country! You would do that for me?

Gabrielle Solis:
I sure would.

Danielle Van De Kamp:
I would so love to go to New York.

Gabrielle Solis:
Oh, and I would so love to help you get there.

Lynette Scavo:
Hey, Jordana!

Jordana Geist:
Hey Lynette, how are you? You look a little tired. Is everything okay?

Lynette Scavo:
Actually, I'm getting ready for a dinner party tomorrow night. Six people.

Jordana Geist:
Sounds fun.

Lynette Scavo:
Big fun. Say, you wouldn't have any of your kids ADD medication that you could spare just to get me over the hump?

Jordana Geist:
Tina! Don't push your sister. Gosh Lynette, I'm really running low. I need all my energy I can get. My sister, Elaine, and her kids are flying in town for a week.

Lynette Scavo:
Yeah, that's exciting. I wish my sister would visit more often.

Jordana Geist:
Yeah, sisters are great.

Lynette Scavo:
Yeah. Just three or four pills, I'm really hitting a wall here.

Jordana Geist:
Yeah, the come down can be a real b*tch. I wish I could help.

Lynette Scavo:
I'm not going to forget about this, Jordana.

Jordana Geist:
What's that supposed to mean?

Lynette Scavo:
It means come Girl Scout Cookie time, don't bother bringing little Tina, because we won't be home!

Andrew Van De Kamp:
What's this about?

Rex Van De Kamp:
You both know that your mother and I have been unhappy for quite a while. And after a lot of soul searching, we've decided it would be better if we got divorced.

Bree Van De Kamp:
But whatever problems your father and I have, it doesn't change the fact that we love you very, very much.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
I've got a question.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Go ahead sweetheart. Ask whatever you want.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Can I live with dad? I mean, c'mon, mom, let's face it. We drive each other crazy.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Is, is that what you would prefer, Danielle? To live with your father.

Danielle Van De Kamp:
I don't really care, as long as I have my own bathroom.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Um, all this, um, wine is, uh, giving me a headache.

Kendra Taylor:
Six weeks in the suburban jungle, and this is all you got?

Mike Delfino:
There are over three hundred families in this subdivision. It will take time to check 'em all out.

Kendra Taylor:
Dad said the last time he saw you, you were ready to quit.

Mike Delfino:
Well, I changed my mind.

Kendra Taylor:
This is a gigantic waste of your time and my father's money.

Mike Delfino:
You afraid of the old man burning through your inheritance?

Kendra Taylor:
That's not funny. Mike, here's the thing.

Mike Delfino:
What?

Kendra Taylor:
Dad can't chase ghosts alone. If you stop, he'll have to accept it's over. Let me have my father back.

Mike Delfino:
If I quit he'll just hire somebody else.

Kendra Taylor:
Not if you tell him there's nothing here to find.

Mike Delfino:
Oh, I can't do that.

Kendra Taylor:
What happens when your girlfriend finds out you're not just this sweet, neighborly plumber? You're lying to her, Mike.

[first lines]

Mary Alice:
Competition. It means different things to different people. In suburbia, it means keeping up with the Joneses. On Wisteria Lane, that means keeping up with Bree Van De Kamp. Everyone knew Bree had the nicest lawn in the neighborhood, and no one begrudged her this. No one, that is, except Martha Hoover, whose own lawn paled in comparison. No matter how carefully she trimmed, or how lovingly she watered, or how generously she fertilized, the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence.

Mr. Shaw:
Mr. Young, sometimes evil drives a minivan.

Danielle Van De Kamp:
You're always mean to me, just like you were to dad. You emasculated him. Well, you're not gonna emasculate me.

Bree Hodge:
You don't even know what that means, you petulant sock puppet.

Danielle Van De Kamp:
Who cares? I'm going to the store.

Bree Hodge:
Buy a dictionary.

Susan Delfino:
Okay, before we become an ugly mob, why doesn't one of us go talk to the guys? But not me, they hate me.

Karen McCluskey:
Bree, you talk to them, you can relate to them.

Bree Hodge:
Why would you say that?

Karen McCluskey:
You've got a kid that came flying out of the closet and a husband that had been looking for the door knob.

Carlos Solis:
[to Gabrielle] You want blind sex? I can arrange that?

Juanita Solis:
What were you two doing?

Carlos Solis:
Uh... we were, uh...

Carlos Solis:
Why don't we just tell her the truth?

Gabrielle Solis:
What? Mommy rides Daddy like a mechanical bull for jewelry.

Celia Solis:
Sperm!

Gabrielle Solis:
Juanita, stop talking to your sister.

Bethany:
Boys have sperm.

Peggy:
We need to talk.

Carlos:
Why don't we just tell her the truth?

Gabrielle:
What? That Mommy rides Daddy like a mechanical bull for jewelry.

Nora:
I don't have later you stupid b*tch.

Mary Alice:
Sweety, we can't prevent what we can't predict.

Carolyn Bigsby:
Don't look at me that way you know you wanted her dead.

Lynette Scavo:
How can you say that?

Carolyn Bigsby:
Well you told me about her and your husband after and I made it pretty clear where I stand on whores.

Lynette Scavo:
I did not want this. Don't you dare say that I wanted this.

Carolyn Bigsby:
Shut up!

Lynette Scavo:
No I will not shup up! What's the matter with you?

Carolyn Bigsby:
Have you not been paying attention, my husband cheated on me!

Lynette Scavo:
Who cares! Who cares, we all have pain! Everyone in here has pain but we deal with it! We swallow it and get going with our lives. What we don't do is go around shooting strangers!

Carolyn Bigsby:
She deserved it!

Lynette Scavo:
Well maybe you deserved to be cheated on!

Mary Alice Young:
[narrating] Lynette Scavo had a dream that night. It was one she had many times before.

Lynette Scavo:
Hey! Mary-Alice, are you okay?

Mary Alice Young:
Yes, thank you. I'm fine.

Lynette Scavo:
Ok! I'll see you later!

Mary Alice Young:
[narrating] But this night, something changed.

Lynette Scavo:
No, you're not. I can tell. Please, tell me what's wrong. Let me save you.

Mary Alice Young:
You can't.

Lynette Scavo:
Why not?

Mary Alice Young:
Sweety, we can't prevent what we can't predict!

Lynette Scavo:
Isn't there anything I could do?

Mary Alice Young:
Yes. You can enjoy this beautiful day. We get so few of them.

Mary Alice Young:
[narrating] This was the last time Lynette would ever dream of me. And for her sake, I'm grateful.

Nora:
[shot] "Kayla was the one thing I did good in my life. Promise me you'll take really good care of her."

Lynette Scavo:
[nods]

Nora:
Come on, I don't have all day.

Lynette Scavo:
[crying] I will, I promise

Carolyn Bigsby:
[puts gun to Lynette's head] I'm having a really bad day. Is a little cooperation too much to ask?

Nora:
[shakes head "no"]

Susan Mayer:
[using speakerphone] "Release Julie and I will take her place. I repeat, release Julie. I will be a model hostage... "

Julie Mayer:
[sighs]

Edie Britt:
Let him work it off. You get a free store stocker for a month.

Austin Britt:
Wait - a month? It was a $10 whiskey!

Edie Britt:
I know. You weren't even smart enough to steal the good stuff.

Julie Mayer:
You know I wouldn't steal!

Susan Mayer:
I'd like to believe you, but drinking beer? Bringing home boys?

Austin Britt:
And next thing you know she'll be listening to that rock music everyone's talking about.

Susan Mayer:
Hey, is that the new neighbor?

Gabrielle Solis:
He's cute!

Lynette Scavo:
Edie said he's a bachelor.

Gabrielle Solis:
Keep talking.

Lynette Scavo:
Who lives with his invalid sister.

Gabrielle Solis:
You can stop now.

[Bree hears, on the TV, that someone, female has been shot, and thinks it could be Lynette]

Porter Scavo:
Mrs. Hodge, when's mommy gonna be back from the store?

Bree Hodge:
I'm sure she'll be back soon, why don't we have some... cookies?

Parker Scavo:
Mommy said we can't have cookies before dinner.

Bree Hodge:
Well, um, I'm sure she won't mind, come on.

[the twins are making a human pyramid with Parker on top]

Preston Scavo:
Mommy, look at us!

Lynette Scavo:
I'll look as soon as I get back from the store.

Parker Scavo:
[waves goodbye] Bye mom!

[at Bree's house, people are watching the news about the hostage situation]

Tom Scavo:
[Knocks on the door, comes in, unaware that Lynette is a hostage] Bree would you mind watching the kids, I got a doctor's appointment and Lynette is taking her sweet time at the market.

[People looking at him in shock]

Tom Scavo:
I'm sorry, are you guys having a party?

[Lynette is on the floor in the grocery store trying to call Tom because a women is holding hostages in the back, at gun-point]

Parker Scavo:
[Parker picks up] Hello?

Lynette Scavo:
Hello, sweetie it's mommy, I need to talk to daddy.

Parker Scavo:
Porter's hogging all the Legos.

Lynette Scavo:
Tell them I said to share, now put daddy on.

Parker Scavo:
I did tell them, but he says he needs them all for his robot!

Lynette Scavo:
Put daddy on and I'll buy you a real robot.

Parker Scavo:
[his eyes get wide with excitement] You will?

Lynette Scavo:
A big one with laser beam eyes, now go, get daddy!

Parker Scavo:
[to the twins] I'm getting a real robot!

[twins shouting complaints]

Mike Delfino:
Karl!

Karl Mayer:
Hey Mike, heard MJ's having a sleepover! I thought I'd hit ya up for an invitation.

Mike Delfino:
Aren't you a little old for sleepovers?

Mike Delfino:
MJ finalised his guest list

Karl Mayer:
Well I think if you check that guest list again you'll find that Evan's name is on there. [places money in Mike's hand]

Mike Delfino:
I'm MJ's dad. Not his bouncer. But thanks. [smiles and closes the door]

Gabrielle Solis:
Are you a lunatic? I am not walking into a ballroom of people without my face on.

Carlos Solis:
Come on, this is the perfect opportunity to teach her that beauty's only skin deep.

Gabrielle Solis:
Yeah well once you see this skin without foundation, you may wanna rethink that.

Carlos Solis:
Gabby your daughter is in pain and don't you love her enough to put your vanity aside for one night?

Gabrielle Solis:
I was in labor for 20 hours! She still owes me for that! [Carlos gives her an exasperated look] Fine, I will make the ultimate sacrifice and I will be ugly for my daughter. But if she ever needs a kidney. [points at Carlos]

Tom Scavo:
Last night we were having sex, you fell asleep.

Lynette Scavo:
After?

Tom Scavo:
During.

Lynette Scavo:
Oh... was it good?

Bree Van De Kamp:
MJ there's someone in my life who hits me with a dead squirrel every single day, and you are the only one who can help me. Please, please invite Evan to your party

M.J. Delfino:
...ok.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Thankyou, oh thankyou sweetheart [kissed MJ on the head and walks off]

M.J. Delfino:
Boy the stuff I do for macaroons.

Lynette Scavo:
[walks in as Tom is cleaning the house] See this? My third espresso, I'm wired no way I'm falling asleep tonight.

Tom Scavo:
[glares at Lynette and continues cleaning without saying a word]

Lynette Scavo:
Hey. How about we throw a pizza on the front lawn and when the kids run out to get it, we lock the door and "do it" in every room in the house?

Adventure Scout Girl:
[Approaches Gabrielle on the front porch] Hi. What if I told you that there was a way to help children, while reading your favorite magazines at a reduced price? Would you be interested?

Gabrielle:
[as she continues to file her nails] Sure. Knock yourself out.

Adventure Scout Girl:
Wise choice. [Reading from her clipboard] For the lady of the house, there's Redbook, Glamour, Vogue... [Pronounces it "vo-gew"]

Gabrielle:
[Pronouncing it correctly] I believe that's Vogue, Sweetheart.

Adventure Scout Girl:
Really? Are you sure?

Gabrielle:
I should know. I was on the front cover.

Adventure Scout Girl:
[Stunned] No. Way.

Gabrielle:
Uh, way.

Heidi Klum:
[to Gabrielle] Screw you, screw your friend and screw Fairview!

Bree Van De Kamp:
[after agreeing to marry George just to be polite] Obviously there is a downside to good manners.

Bree:
[to Rex, in the hospital, after a heart attack] I know you still love me. Maisy told me. As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to find the most vindictive lawyer I can find. And together, we will eviscerate you. I will take away your money, your family, and your dignity. And I am thrilled you still love me. Because I want what's going to happen to you to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm just so glad you didn't die before I told you that.

[last lines]

Mary Alice Young:
Trust is a fragile thing. Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom, but once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover. Of course, the truth is we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us... and total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end, most people to decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned.

[Bree has found Alma and a passed out Orson in bed together, along with sleeping pills and Viagra]

Bree Van De Kamp:
You raped my husband!

Alma Hodge:
We made love. And when our baby is born, he's going to come back to me.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Baby?

Alma Hodge:
It's true. I could be expecting right now.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Were you expecting this?

[Bree decks Alma before she calls her house]

Bree Van De Kamp:
Andrew, I need you to come over right away. And, um...

[pause]

Bree Van De Kamp:
...bring the wheelbarrow.

Bree:
[to Alma] You... RAPED my husband!

Bree:
[Bree finds Orson and Alma in bed together] Orson, I have caught you cheating, at least have the courtesy to WAKE UP!

Zack Young:
You said I could kiss you!

Gabrielle Solis:
Yes, my lips not my oesophagus!

Parker Scavo:
[Lynette is looking at herself in an outfit, when she notices Parker in the mirror playing with his foam football] What'cha doin'?

Lynette Scavo:
Oh, deciding what to wear my first day back to work. Do I look fat in this?

Parker Scavo:
I think you look good in everything!

Lynette Scavo:
Wow, you father's taught you well.

Parker Scavo:
What about the street fair? If you're going back to work, who's going to take me?

Lynette Scavo:
Mrs. McClusky, won't that be fun?

Parker Scavo:
No. Do you have to go back to work?

Lynette Scavo:
Come on, you and your brothers will be thrilled. Me going back to work is not that big a deal, we're only loosing a little time together in the afternoon.

Parker Scavo:
Every hour counts. I miss you all day long.

Lynette Scavo:
[She hugs him, kisses and rubs him on the head] Aww, honey, geez. Do you really mean that, or are you manipulating mommy into feeling incredibly guilty?

Parker Scavo:
A little of both.

Lynette Scavo:
Yep, your father's taught you well. [He smiles at her]

Susan Mayer:
A guy just smiles at me three times and I'm picking out wedding china. I'm a mess.

Lynette Scavo:
But to be fair, that's part of your charm.

Bree Van De Kamp:
I love to try out new recipes before the holidays. That way if the cookbook has it wrong, I can fix it.

Mary Alice Young:
[VOICE OVER] At 5:15 Edie called to tell the girls her husband came home. She never got through to anyone though. Gaby didn't pick up because she was watching the girls take their orders. Lynette was out with Stella laughing and sharing stories and enjoying it. Bree was outside showing her future son-in-law color samples for the house and smiling politely when they disagreed. And Susan didn't answer because she was enjoying a cup of tea and what it was like to be alone.

Dr. Ron McCreadie:
You committed insurance fraud?

Susan:
Only in a legal sense.

Carlos:
Oh, my god. Are you trying to say that you don't want Deanna's baby because she's plain?

Gabrielle:
No, plain I can handle. Carlos, since that woman has walked into our house, the clocks have stopped working.

Carlos:
No one can predict what a child is gonna look like. For all you know, her kid could end up winning beauty contests.

Gabrielle:
With her D.N.A., the only thing that kid's gonna be winning is best in show.

Peter McMillian:
I'll tell you what. Here's my card and if you ever do have a problem or you just feel like talking, give me a call, okay?

Bree:
I know you think I'm kidding myself, but I'm not. I'm nothing like you people. I just don't have a compulsive personality.

Eugene Beale:
Libby's a pole dancer in a strip club.

Gabrielle:
Oh! Wow, that, that sounds like interesting work.

Libby:
You'd think so, but it gets old quickly. My big dream is to become a choreographer.

Carlos:
Really?

Libby:
Yeah. I made up this one move. It's called the serpent's tongue, and all the girls at the club are doing it now. It's so cool. If I had a pole I could show you.

Carlos:
Well, we'll have to go down to the club and check that out. We'll make a night of it.

Susan:
I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me.

Karl:
Now why would I do that?

Susan:
Well, for starters, because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life.

Karl:
I'll bring the wine.

Bree:
Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him.

Bree:
Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet.

Carlos:
That was our lawyer. Libby rejected us as parents.

Gabrielle:
Why?

Gabrielle:
What? That's discrimination. It's illegal. We could have her arrested.

Carlos:
It's her baby. She can do whatever the hell she wants to with it. Damn it.

Gabrielle:
No! No, you don't just toss people aside because of the color of their skin.

Carlos:
We tossed those birth mothers aside because of their appearance.

Gabrielle:
Well, that's different.

Carlos:
Why?

Gabrielle:
Because I've read the constitution and it does not protect ugly people.

Bree:
Tonight was a very unusual situation. I wish you could've known me when Rex was alive and my kids were young and everything was the way it was supposed to be. I think you really would've liked me so much.

Peter McMillian:
I like you just fine.

Bree:
Really? Because I don't.

Gabrielle:
First of all, I am gonna show her one of our tax returns. Once she sees how much money we have, I have a hunch we are gonna look a whole lot whiter.

[Bree has brought down a box of Andrew's porn]

Bree Van De Kamp:
Oh, dad, I-I forgot to warn you. These are some of Andrew's adult videos. I don't approve, but boys will be boys.

[Henry files through the box of porn]

Eleanor Mason:
Oh, Henry, stop looking at that filth.

Henry Mason:
I don't get it. Where are the women?

Eleanor Mason:
What are you talking about?

Henry Mason:
This is all just a bunch of... naked men.

[Eleanor takes the magazine from Henry]

Eleanor Mason:
Sweet mother of God. What the hell are they doing?

Henry Mason:
I don't know, and I don't know what I'm even looking at.

Eleanor Mason:
Henry, this is pornography for ho-homosexuals.

[Bree enters]

Bree Van De Kamp:
Oh, shoot! I wish you hadn't gone through that. Now we have to have an unpleasant conversation, and we were having such a nice time.

Henry Mason:
Bree, is... is Andrew... gay?

Bree Van De Kamp:
Oh, dad, Andrew hates labels. I'm sure it's just a phase.

Eleanor Mason:
Excuse me, but he has a magazine titled "Leather Daddies in Love." That does not sound like a phase to me.

Henry Mason:
[Andrew's grandfather is thumbing through Andrew's gay porn collection] I don't get it... where are all the *women?* This is all just a bunch of guys!

Eleanor Mason:
This is pornography for huh-homosexuals.

Mrs. Pate:
Yesterday afternoon, Parker offered a cookie to Cindy Lou Peeples if she would show him her vagina.

Lynette:
What kind of cookie?

Mrs. Pate:
What does that matter?

Lynette:
Oh, it doesn't. I'm just stalling because I am completely mortified.

Eleanor Mason:
Hello, I'm Eleanor Mason, Bree's stepmother. Are you the lawyer? We should talk.

Peter McMillian:
Ah, no, I'm not her lawyer.

Eleanor Mason:
Good. The hair had me worried.

Felicia Tilman:
Paul? I was making cookies and I heard the most sickening thud. Are you okay?

Paul Young:
There's shortening on my doorstep.

Felicia Tilman:
Shortening? That's the last thing you'd want on your front porch. It's meant for baking.

Carlos:
You wanna be a better mother? Do what my mama did, make sacrifices. My mama worked her fingers to the bone for me.

Gabrielle:
That's what put her in an early grave. Well, that and the hit and run thing.

Eleanor Mason:
It took me a week to forgive Esperanza.

Henry Mason:
Now she's like family again.

Eleanor Mason:
Family who stole from us.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Well, could you live with a woman who hits you?

Eleanor Mason:
Bree!

Bree:
Oh, I slapped him once and he deserved it!

Andrew Van De Kamp:
I just asked her to stop drinking.

Henry Mason:
You were drinking?

Eleanor Mason:
She's in A.A. Her sponsor has long hair.

Bree:
Andrew, I find your concern ironic given how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbor's mother with your car!

Eleanor Mason:
Is she okay?

Bree:
She's dead!

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Well, mom watched as her boyfriend committed suicide. And he was the same guy who killed dad!

Bree:
Andrew falsely accused me of molestation... in a mall!

Karen McCluskey:
Here's the big news. Parker offered me a fudgesicle if I would show him my vagina. Oh, good god, Lynette, relax. I didn't do it. I just got this out of the freezer a second ago.

Lynette:
Uh, yeah. Of course, no, sorry.

Karen McCluskey:
Apparently, Parker wanted to put a sunflower seed inside me and see if a baby would grow. Where do kids get this stuff?

Lynette:
Oh, that was me. He was asking about the birds and the bees and I fudged a few of the details. Well, he's only seven years old. I don't think he needs to know everything yet. I don't wanna rob him of his innocence.

Karen McCluskey:
Well, now, that's where you're wrong. You get 'em when they're young. Give 'em all the gory details. And then when they're good and disgusted, you shame 'em.

Lynette:
Excuse me?

Karen McCluskey:
You tell them sex is dirty and wrong and he shouldn't talk about it and if he does, he's going straight to hell.

Lynette:
That is ridiculous.

Karen McCluskey:
Spoken like a true liberal idiot.

Lynette:
No, I am not going to shame my son.

Karen McCluskey:
Mm, I'm telling ya, it works. It keeps people in their place, it keeps parents from being humiliated, and it keeps me from having to spend the afternoon talking about my woo-woo.

Lynette:
[Parker is coloring] Sweety could you put the crayons down for a second, we need to talk. I talked to your teacher today and she told me about the cookie deal you made with Cindy Lou.

Parker Scavo:
Oh, are you mad?

Lynette:
[laughs uncomfortably] No, not exactly, I'm trying to understand why you did that.

Parker Scavo:
[Innocently] Tommy Keenan told me babies come from down there, that doesn't sound right to me.

Lynette:
Well, actually he's kinda right, he's got the concept down.

Parker Scavo:
[Innocently confused] That's weird! How does a baby get in there?

Lynette:
Daddy will be home from his business trip in a few days, why don't you wait for him?

Parker Scavo:
OK. Or I can ask Tommy's brother. He's fourteen and he knows everything!

Lynette:
[Parker looks skeptical as Lynette draws a picture]... And then the mommy and the dadd because they love each other so much, they hug real tight, and a seed is magically implanted and nine months later a baby is born.

Parker Scavo:
What kind of seed?

Lynette:
Oh, that's not important.

Parker Scavo:
I don't believe you!

Lynette:
Parker I'm your mother. Mother's don't lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas.

Lynette:
I talked to Mrs. McCuskey and for God sakes Parker, you can't ask people things like that.

Parker Scavo:
Why?

Lynette:
[Grasping for straws] Because, it's rude.

Parker Scavo:
I said please!

Lynette:
That doesn't matter. You gotta quit talking to people about their bodies, and about where babies come from.

Parker Scavo:
Why?

Lynette:
Because it's not an appropriate subject.

Parker Scavo:
Why?

Lynette:
Because it's not.

Parker Scavo:
Why?

Lynette:
Ahh, because it's dirty and wrong and I'll wash your mouth out with soap, that's why! [he looks shocked]

Orson Hodge:
Oh, I have been her dentist for years, but last week, I was looking into her mouth and decided to stick my tongue in it.

[as the riot goes on]

Lynette Scavo:
This is all on you, I hope you know that!

Paul Young:
Me? Those are your friends out there, Lynette. The solid citizens of Fairview! Tell me again why you think they're better than a bunch of ex-cons.

Edie Britt:
[to Carlos, undressing] Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact - let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer. Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance.

Dahlia Hainsworth:
If you want your marriage to last, when your husband strays, you extract some suitable penance and get on with it. Punish the sin, but love the sinner.

Susan:
Yeah, well, with Karl I was more, "Divorce the ass and seize the assets.

[the twins put gum in Parker's hair, so Lynette is trying to scrape it out, the entire time he is in pain]

Lynette Scavo:
Well, yeah I know it hurts, but that's what you get when you let your brothers put bubble gum in your hair, pain and misery.

Parker Scavo:
Are you mad at me?

Lynette Scavo:
Yes, yes, I am mad at you. And I'm also cranky. You know how you get when you haven't taken a nap? Well mommies are the same way, we need our down time and if we don't get it, we end up saying and doing things which we don't normally do. And it's frustrating for me too because I do wanna be the best mommy I can be.

Parker Scavo:
I think you're the best mommy in the world!

Lynette Scavo:
That's sweet of you but it's not exactly true. [She gets out hair clippers, he looks scared]

[the lady at the health club is letting Lynette in because she thinks Parker has cancer because of his shaved head]

[Another women who survived cancer asks to hug Parker, and offers him reassurances]

Parker Scavo:
[Scared] Mommy, am I dying?

Lynette Scavo:
No! You're not dying! People just think that because I shaved your head.

Lauren:
You shaved his head?

Parker Scavo:
Yeah, my brothers put bubble gum in my hair.

Felicia Tilman:
[referring to the neighbors gathered outside after learning that her sister's body had been found] Look at them all - vultures, pretending to care when all they really want are the sordid details.

Detective Copeland:
I don't know. I think they just want to show their support.

Felicia Tilman:
Please. Human beings *feed* on misery. Well, we might as well give the people what they want [grins, then proceeds to address the crowd] Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister Martha would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is... Martha died a violent death. Yes I know. It's hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs... which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial and probably in great pain. But the good news is [smiles] there are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes... to your loved ones. [heads back indoors, then suddenly turns around] Oh! In lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale day after tomorrow. Please, [huge grin] no personal checks.

George Williams:
[while Bree stands behind him helping him aim a gun] What is that perfume you're wearing?

Bree Van De Kamp:
Uh, I'm not wearing perfume.

George Williams:
Are you sure? Because you smell amazing.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Oh! I was making macaroons before I left the house. [without skipping a beat] Okay, now, I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't fly away, but not so firmly that you can kill it. Got it?

Mary Alice Young:
Death is inevitable. It's a promise made to each of us at birth. But before that promise is kept, we all hope something will happen to us... whether it's the thrill of romance, the joy of raising a family, or the anguish of great loss. We all hope to experience something that make our lives meaningful, but the sad fact is not all lives have meaning. Some people spend their time on this planet just sitting on the sidelines waiting for something to happen to them... before it's too late.

[last lines]

Mary Alice Young:
Death is inevitable. It's a promise made to each of us at birth. But before that promise is kept, we all hope something will happen to us... whether it's the thrill of romance, the joy of raising a family, or the anguish of great loss. We all hope to experience something that make our lives meaningful, but the sad fact is not all lives have meaning. Some people spend their time on this planet just sitting on the sidelines waiting for something to happen to them... before it's too late.

Peter McMillian:
Sex is as much an addiction for me as booze. That's why when you turn me on like that it's a bit of a problem.

Bree:
It was just a peck on the cheek.

Peter McMillian:
It doesn't matter. The slightest touch gets my juices flowing.

Bree:
So how long has it been since you-

Peter McMillian:
A year. They have this rule: plant, pet, person. If I can keep a plant alive, you know, then I can move on to a pet. And if I can make that work, then I can start dating again.

Bree:
So, how are you doing?

Peter McMillian:
I'm on my fourth ficus.

Bree:
Oh.

Carlos:
I sure hope Libby likes this camera.

Gabrielle:
Well, why wouldn't she? It's exactly what she asked for, the most expensive one in the store. You know, I'm telling you, Carlos. I'm getting really tired of kissing her ass.

Carlos:
The woman is giving us her baby. We'll kiss whatever needs kissing.

Libby:
What the hell are you guys doing here?

Carlos:
Ah, we brought you this gift and you said that you didn't want us coming by your house...

Libby:
Thanks, but I'm working, so you gotta go.

Gabrielle:
Look, we spent a lot of money on that. The least you can do is open it so we can bask in your happy expression.

Susan:
I was married to Karl, and I used to try to surprise him, and he would always, always, always say 'No, Susan. Don't surprise me. I don't like it.

Edie:
Whatever. I'm doing it, so keep your trap shut. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go and buy a wedding dress. Oh, and by the way, I'll be wearing white, so that'll be a surprise for everybody.

Gabrielle:
We were supposed to have four weeks. She promised me the baby wasn't due for four more weeks. We don't have anything! We don't, we don't have diapers, and we don't have the stuff babies drink.

Lynette:
Formula.

Gabrielle:
Exactly. We're not ready! You know, this is a total inconvenience.

Lynette:
Welcome to parenthood. Come on.

Donna:
You should also know, I'm not a lesbian.

Bree:
Oh, well, that's nice for you.

Lynette:
What is it? Teeth?

Felicia Tilman:
Dentures. They were my dear sister, Martha's. I'm sure none of you knew, but she had orthodontic issues from the time she was a child.

Edie:
Oh. Thank you.

Felicia Tilman:
I know it's an unconventional gift for an engagement party, but you and Martha were such close friends, Edie. I wanted you to have something truly personal to remember her by since she left us so abruptly. You know, when Paul Young strangled her, crushed her windpipe, and buried her alive next to a garbage-strewn hiking trail.

Edie:
Felicia, uh, I think you've had enough.

Felicia Tilman:
I do apologize if I've offended anyone, but while you all are chit-chatting and eating these yummy hors d'oeuvres, just remember you're in the company of a murderer.

Father Crowley:
You're pregnant?

Gabrielle:
Yes, and it's impossible. I'm on the pill which I know you probably think is a sin but it's a 99.9% effective sin.

Father Crowley:
Maybe its in the .1% that God resides.

Gabrielle:
You just couldn't wait to throw that in, could you?

Father Crowley:
Gabrielle! What brings you down here? [Gabrielle's expression saddens] Oh, sweet Mother of God, what have you done *this* time?

Carlos:
[Carlos has recently become blind] I'm going to read some porn. [he sighs] In Braille.

[Lynette greets her twin sons coming to visit, then notices they have luggage and figures out they want to move back in, so she barricades herself in the house]

Preston Scavo:
Please let us in, we're children of divorce.

Lynette Scavo:
Exactly. Go to your dad's.

Preston Scavo:
But we like you so much more.

Lynette Scavo:
Don't give me that!

Porter Scavo:
No, seriously... Dad has that stupid girlfriend.

Preston Scavo:
And he's been so unfair to you.

Lynette Scavo:
[letting them in] You had me at 'stupid girlfriend'.

Susan:
My idea of the perfect wedding keeps changing. One day I want white roses and then I want lilies... only one thing stays constant - and I'm looking at him. Why would I need anything else to make my wedding perfect?

Edie Britt:
Carlos! You've got to understand, I do want a baby with you. Just not yet, I... I just wanted to give you a chance to fall in love with me first.

Carlos Solis:
I don't believe you and I will never trust you again.

Edie Britt:
Well what was I supposed to do? You backed me into a corner! And you were going to bail on us and I was just trying save what we had. [He starts to walk away] Carlos! Don't leave me, please just talk to me.

Carlos Solis:
I am done with you.

Edie Britt:
Carlos!

Minister:
Ladies and gentlemen I present to you, Mr and Mrs Victor Lang.

Edie Britt:
I'm sorry! [she bursts into tears]

[Susan and Mike are about to get married]

Minister:
Are we ready?

Julie Mayer:
Are you kidding? They've been dragging this thing about for three years!

Stella Wingfield:
[Lynette's mother shows up] Geez Lynette, I didn't know you opened a daycare center! Hey kids grandma's here.

Stella Wingfield:
[they all look at her strange] Okay, what'd you tell them about me?

Lynette Scavo:
It's been five years mom, they don't remember you.

Stella Wingfield:
Well they'll remember me this time, I've brought presents. For you. [hands Parker a book] And for you and you. [hands the twins books]

Parker Scavo:
These are baby toys. We're too old to play with these.

Stella Wingfield:
Well I'm too old to remember what the hell six year olds like to play with.

Porter Scavo:
We're eight.

Stella Wingfield:
What do I care?

Lynette Scavo:
Just say thank you. [kids say 'thank you']

Stella Wingfield:
[pointing to Kayla, talking to Parker] Who's the pretty thing? Your girlfriend?

Parker Scavo:
[looks disgusted] No! She's my sister!

Stella Wingfield:
[to Lynette] Oh, is that Toms little B-a-s-t-a...

Tom Scavo:
Ok kids, time to get your toys and let's play upstairs.

Gabrielle:
[after getting breakfast] Breakfast is served. Get em' their hot!

Victor Lang:
Marry me?

Gabrielle:
They're only toaster waffles.

Mike Delfino:
[Mike walks into Carlos' room, Edie is hiding next to the door] [whispering] So uh... you got a girl in here?

Carlos Solis:
No, why?

Mike Delfino:
Because when I came home, I thought I heard sex noises.

Carlos Solis:
Nah, that was just me!

Carlos Solis:
Hey, I didn't say we had to stop. I just said we had to be quiet.

Edie Britt:
What? I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again!

Carlos Solis:
I'm just saying, I don't think that the whole world needs to know our... 12?

Susan Mayer:
Did I mention that Maggie is an amazing chef? We're embarrassed to be cooking for her.

Maggie Gilroy:
Stop. So, um, Mike, do you have a favorite type of cuisine?

Mike Delfino:
Nah. After three months of prison food, everything tastes good to me.

Maggie Gilroy:
So you were in prison?

Susan Mayer:
He was totally innocent.

Mike Delfino:
Yeah, a woman was bludgeoned to death, and her blood wound up on my wrench.

Maggie Gilroy:
Oh, my god.

Susan Mayer:
But he was cleared. All charges dropped. Here. Eat this. [She shoves an hors d'oeuvre into his mouth]

Maggie Gilroy:
It's just so awful. I mean, to go to jail for a crime you didn't commit.

Mike Delfino:
Oh, it was just a few months. Now my first stretch for manslaughter... that was brutal.

Penny:
More please!

Lynette Scavo:
[Lynette finds Parker staring into their freezer] Hi buddy, what'cha doing?

Parker Scavo:
Nothing.

Lynette Scavo:
You seem a little mopey lately, is everything okay?

Parker Scavo:
Yeah. Can we go see Mrs. McClusky?

Karen McCluskey:
[at the hospital] You guys didn't have to come here, no matter what that CAT scan says, I'm breakin' out tomorrow.

Lynette Scavo:
Well Parker really wanted to come see you.

Karen McCluskey:
[pats him on the head] Don't tell your brothers, you where always my favorite.

Parker Scavo:
[quietly] I saw the man in your freezer.

Karen McCluskey:
[Smile fades from her face] Lynette could you run down to the snack bar and get me some green jello?

Lynette Scavo:
Oh, sure.

Karen McCluskey:
OK, time for a little grown-up talk. [Lynette sees Parker sitting on the bed with Mrs. McClusky talking to him]

Karen McCluskey:
So can you understand now why I had to do what I did? [he nods] And you know you can never tell anyone, not even you mom? [he nods again]

Lynette Scavo:
They didn't have jello, so I hope pudding is okay.

Karen McCluskey:
Ya know, lets give it to Parker, good boy like him deserves a treat. [he smiles at her]

Parker Scavo:
[after Lynette tells him no to fudgesickles] I told you she'd say no!

Porter Scavo:
Mrs. McCluskey always has some fudgesickles.

Preston Scavo:
Yeah, but she's in the hospital. [they all smile]

[the twins hold open a window to Mrs. McCluskey's basement while Parker climbs in through it]

[He opens the chest freezer and finds some melted fudgesickles, but gets a wide-eyed look on his face when he sees a mans body]

Preston Scavo:
[Parker comes out the door looking stunned] Where's the ice cream?

Parker Scavo:
She didn't have any.

Porter Scavo, Preston Scavo:
Awe man!

Porter Scavo:
There wasn't anything good in there?

Parker Scavo:
[deadpanned] No.

Parker Scavo:
[Parker sees kids painting 'witch' on Mrs. McCluskey's door] What's gonig on?

Parker Scavo:
[sees it] Hey don't do that!

Freddy:
Why not?

Parker Scavo:
Because she's not a witch!

Freddy:
How do you know?

Parker Scavo:
Cause she isn't! Don't be a jerk! [the kids start making fun of him]

Parker Scavo:
Shut up! [a kid pushes him down]

Karen McCluskey:
Hey you boys, knock it off!

Karen McCluskey:
[puts her arm on Parker's shoulder] Parker I'm sorry. Are you all right?

Parker Scavo:
[He pulls his shoulder away] Ya know, everything would be okay if you told people what you told me. You can make them stop. [he walks off]

Karen McCluskey:
[Parker rings Mrs. McCluskey's doorbell] Waould ya stop ringing that damn... I'm sorry Parker, I thought you where one of those little pissheads that keeps ringing the doorbell and running away. What's on your mind?

Parker Scavo:
I want you to come back and babysit us, the new sitter stinks!

Karen McCluskey:
Your folks hired a new sitter?

Parker Scavo:
Yeah, and she thinks carrots are snacks!

Karen McCluskey:
Well that's rough. But life's like that sometimes.

Parker Scavo:
It doesn't have to be. If you just told people what happened with your husband, everything could go back to the way it was.

Karen McCluskey:
Parker, see those women over there. Nothing I could say could stop those tongues from wagging. I'm sorry kid but I just have to wait this one out.

[Parker is sitting outside watching Mrs. McClusky wash her door]

Tom Scavo:
Here you are. What are you doing outside?

Parker Scavo:
Some big kids threw eggs at Mrs. McClusky's house.

Tom Scavo:
Oh, jeez, they shouldn't have done that.

Parker Scavo:
We should go talk to her.

Tom Scavo:
Naw, it's late, she probably doesn't want us to bother her.

Susan Mayer:
Oh, that's right she babysat your kids.

Lynette Scavo:
Oh, please I don't wanna think of how many times she brought them ice cream from that basement. I mean geez, if you wanna keep your husband on ice, at least have a dedicated freezer.

Susan Mayer:
Do you think she actually killed him?

Gabrielle Solis:
Uh, yeah. Why else would she have hid the body?

Lynette Scavo:
Well so far all they've charged her with is improper disposal of a corpse.

Gabrielle Solis:
Once they defrost the body and do an autopsy, i guarentee you their gonna find a belly full of arsenic!

Parker Scavo:
What's arsenic?

Lynette Scavo:
It's just, it's something yucky. Go and play!

Julie:
Mom, if you really need something to freak out about, just remember that you're going to spend the night with Mike in a hotel. No man has seen you naked in years, except your doctor.

Susan:
And he retired. I try not to take that personally.

[last lines]

Mary Alice Young:
There is a widely read book that tells us everyone is a sinner. Of course, not everyone feels guilt over the bad things they do. In contrast, there are those who assume more than their share of the blame. There are others who soothe their consciences with small acts of kindness... or by telling themselves their sins are justified. Finally, there are the ones who simply vow to do better next time, and pray for forgiveness. Sometimes, their prayers are answered.

[first lines]

Mary Alice Young:
[Bree opens the Bible] There is a widely read book that tells us everyone is a sinner. Of course, not everyone who reads this book over the bad things they do, but Bree Van De Kamp did. In fact, Bree had spent most of her life feeling guilty.

Father Crowley:
Gabrielle, the Church is pretty clear about this. If you commit a mortal sin and you die without repenting, you go to hell.

Gabrielle Solis:
Aren't you just a ball of fun? [pauses, sighs] So, if I confess, it will clean the slate, right?

Father Crowley:
Not only that, if you want God's forgiveness, you have to be truly sorry and you have to promise not to commit the sin again.

Gabrielle Solis:
So what happens if I repent... later? Like, say, when I'm 75?

Father Crowley:
I wouldn't recommend waiting. What if you die before then?

Gabrielle Solis:
Well, let's say I *don't* die? I... do yoga, I eat well. If I wait, does my repenting still count?

Father Crowley:
If you mean it, yes.

Gabrielle Solis:
Thank you, Father Crowley. [grabs purse] You have been a tremendous comfort. Um, I will let you do your thing. [quickly walks away]

Father Crowley:
Gabrielle, [Gabrielle stops and turns to face him] you know we are all responsible for the choices we make. Don't you wanna be a good person?

Gabrielle Solis:
What I want is to be happy.

Father Crowley:
That's the answer of a selfish child.

Gabrielle Solis:
I know.

Lynette Scavo:
I love my kids so much. I'm so sorry they have me as a mother.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Lynette, you are a great mother.

Lynette Scavo:
No, I'm not. I can't do it. I'm so tired of feeling like a failure. It's so humiliating.

Susan:
No, it's not. So you got addicted to your kids' ADD medication. It happens.

Bree Van De Kamp:
You've got four kids. That's a lot of stress. Honey, you just need some help.

Lynette Scavo:
That's what makes it so humiliating. Other moms don't need help. Other moms make it look so easy. All I do is complain.

Susan:
That's not true. When - when Julie was a baby, I - I was out of my mind almost every day.

Bree Van De Kamp:
I used to get so upset when Andrew and Danielle were little, I used their nap times to cry.

Lynette Scavo:
[sniffs] Why didn't you ever tell me this? [sobs]

Bree Van De Kamp:
[whispers] Oh, baby. Nobody likes to admit that they can't handle the pressure.

Susan:
I think it's just like we think, you know, it's easier to keep it all in.

Lynette Scavo:
Oh, we shouldn't. We should tell each other this stuff.

Susan:
It helps, huh?

Lynette Scavo:
Yeah. It really [sniffs] does. [continues sobbing]

Carlos Solis:
It's good for a dog to sleep with its master. It helps us bond.

Gabrielle Solis:
Well if you ever want to bond with my b*obs again, you'll get her off.

Mike Delfino:
[to Orson] Are you the guy that ran me over?

Mary Alice Young:
Voice over: Lynette Scavo had always trusted her husband. She had no idea that trust was about to go up in flames

Susan:
I need a man in my life!

Lee McDermott:
Why? We're so useless.

Susan:
I need a man in my life!

Bob Hunter:
Why? We're so useless.

Orson Hodge:
Thank you, Mother, for colluding in my rape!...

Mary Alice Young:
Every little girl dreams of a big, white wedding. But some dreams... just don't come true.

[Tom gets into college]

Parker Scavo:
I can help you study if you want.

Tom Scavo:
I'm not sure how much help you're gonna be. I'm majoring in Chinese.

Preston Scavo:
I know how to say "Take me to a strip bar" in Mandarin.

Lynette Scavo:
I'm so proud. Porter aren't you gonna congratulate your father.

Porter Scavo:
Congratulations on ruining my life. If you see me on campus you're not allowed to talk to me.

[Gaby wonders how Ana got the house clean so fast and then the Scavo twins come down the stairs]

Porter Scavo:
We finished upstairs Ana!

Preston Scavo:
Anything else you need done?

Ana Solis:
They wanted to hang out but I had chores to do, so they insisted on helping me. Aren't they sweet!

Parker Scavo:
[Comes in with a brush and cleaning gloves] Hey, um, I'm not bragging, and I don't recommend it, but you could so eat out of your downstairs toilet.

Gabrielle Solis:
Ok boys thanks for your hard work but maybe it's time to go home and take a shower. Preferably a cold one.

Ana Solis:
Bye Preston!

Porter Scavo:
I'm Porter.

Preston Scavo:
I'm Preston.

Parker Scavo:
Oh, you can call me whatever you want!

Lynette:
I went to the doctor today.

Tom:
What's wrong?

Lynette:
I'm pregnant.

Tom:
Pregnant?... With a baby?

Lynette:
How long have you been sniffing those markers? Of course with a baby.

Aunt Connie:
As many of you know I've battled a weak heart for most of my life, and the doctor now tells me that I may only have a few months left.

Gabrielle Solis:
[opens a can of drink, as members of the family stare at her] Sorry, bad heart, floors all yours.

Aunt Connie:
I know this is not going to be easy but we're family and this is what we do for each other. [Carlos walks forward as Gabby pulls him back and mouths to him 'no' and he mouths back 'yes' he continues walking forward]

Gabrielle Solis:
[steps in front of Carlos] Well you know we're still gonna be family tomorrow, so I think we should think about it overnight and search out hearts and try to figure out which one of your homes is best for Ana.

Aunt Connie:
Gabrielle's right, and please know that I won't judge any of you harshly if you decide that you can not take care of my beautiful granddaughter

Gabrielle Solis:
We love you Aunt Connie yay! [starts clapping as everyone else joins in clapping]

Lynette Scavo:
[Preston, Porter and Lynette help a drunk Tom inside] Ok, easy easy, you're a little drunk there.

Tom Scavo:
[kiss Lynette] That's cause I love you Lynette

Lynette Scavo:
I love you to baby, there you go.

Tom Scavo:
[turns to Porter still helping him] And I love you Preston.

Porter Scavo:
I'm Porter

Tom Scavo:
I never could tell you two apart, but you're my favourite [Porter raises his eyebrows and helps Tom to sit down, takes of Tom's shows for him] Lynette how come you let me drink so many margaritas?

Preston Scavo:
Yeah and why did we have to stay to closing? It's almost 2.00

Lynette Scavo:
Who cares what time it is? We were celebrating a big change in your dad's life.

Tom Scavo:
WOOHOO!

Lynette Scavo:
Woo! Hey someone called. [plays the message about the mix up with the time for Tom's test, for the next day at 8.00am]

Tom Scavo:
Oh cram! I gotta crap for that test1

Lynette Scavo:
Oh geez...

[Susan finds Andrew and Justin naked in a pool]

Andrew Van De Kamp:
I'm not... I'm not gay.

Bree Hodge:
Gabrielle's the glamorous one, Susan's the adorable one, Lynette's smart. Edie's... Edie, and I'm the domestic one. The one who knows that there are three tines in a dessert fork. I'm the one who gets teased for that. That's who I am. That's also who you are

Porter Scavo:
Ooh, Dad called a family meeting.

Parker Scavo:
Yeah, mom he said it's about the restaurant.

Lynette Scavo:
Oh boy, I think I know what this is about. Things have been tough down at the restaurant and I think your dad has finally decided to sell it.

Parker Scavo:
Wow!

Preston Scavo:
Is he gonna be okay?

Lynette Scavo:
I don't know, that's why we all have to be really supportive, and you with me? [all nod]

Tom Scavo:
Hey guys, good, you're all here.

Penny Scavo:
I love you daddy!

Lynette Scavo:
Not yet.

Tom Scavo:
I wanted to talk to you all about our pizzeria.

Lynette Scavo:
Just know that we're 100% behind you.

Tom Scavo:
That means a lot because this was a really rough day for me. I had to let all our employees go. So starting tomorrow, you kids are my new wait staff!

Lynette Scavo:
Tom, what the hell are you talking about?

Tom Scavo:
You and I'll handle the days and the kids'll join us after school and on the weekends.

Parker Scavo:
At the risk of sounding spoiled, a-noo.

Tom Scavo:
Come on, we'll love working together,

Porter Scavo:
Why? We don't even like living together.

Preston Scavo:
You're not even going to pay us?

Penny Scavo:
I'm nine, is that even legal?

Tom Scavo:
I think so, but just to be sure, you're fifteen, happy birthday!

Parker Scavo:
Mom, please do something.

Lynette Scavo:
[Penny won't make salads] You're not a baby, you're fifteen, remember?

Penny Scavo:
Also, I can't find my band-aid.

Lynette Scavo:
Ok, you fill water glasses, I'll make salads.

Parker Scavo:
[Brings a check and money] Hey mom, this is for table 5.

Lynette Scavo:
Ok, thanks. Uh, you didn't give them enough change.

Parker Scavo:
Yeah, I know. i figured this out, you can short people one percent and they won't even notice. If they've got a buzz on, three percent.

Lynette Scavo:
Ok, you make the salads, I'll handle the register.

Lynette Scavo:
[the twins are fighting over who will wait on a hot lady] Well since I'm the only one who can wait on that table without knocking over the drink with my pants, how 'bout I take it?

[the twins decide to take a break as soon as a group of teenagers come in]

Lynette Scavo:
What's going on here?

Preston Scavo:
Those kids go to our school.

Porter Scavo:
And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDurmot, the guy called me 'Jesus' for a year cause I wore sandals for one day! If he sees me wearing this, I'll never hear the end of it.

Tom Scavo:
Fine, don't wear the apron.

Porter Scavo:
No. I'm not gonna wait on a kid who's gonna make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here.

[Tom has a tantrum and slams Porter against the wall, and Lynette breaks it up]

Parker Scavo:
[looking shocked] Guys, I just sat a twelve-top, who's taking it?

Tom Scavo:
I will. [they all look shocked]

Tom Scavo:
I had to let all of our employees go. So starting tomorrow you kids are my new wait staff!

Lynette Scavo:
Tom what the hell are you talking about?

Tom Scavo:
I got it all worked out. You and I will handle the days and the kids will join us after school and on the weekends.

Parker Scavo:
Um. At the risk of sounding spoiled. No.

Tom Scavo:
come on it'll be fantastic! We'll love working together!

Porter Scavo:
Why? we don't even like living together.

Tom Scavo:
look labor is our number one cost if we can eliminate it we'll start making a profit again.

Preston Scavo:
what you're not even gonna pay us?

Penny Scavo:
I'm nine is that even legal?

Tom Scavo:
I think so... but just to be safe you're now 15. Happy Birthday!

Porter Scavo:
Just so you know, 30 years from now when you and dad are old and feeble...

Lynette Scavo:
You're putting us in the cheapest nursing home you can find, yeah. I got it.

Lynette Scavo:
[Preston sees a group of kids from his and Porters school and Porter and Preston decide to take a break] Wow, wow, wow, what's going on here?

Preston Scavo:
Those kids go to our school.

Porter Scavo:
And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDermitt. The guy called me Jesus for a year cause i wore sandals one day if he sees me wearing this I'll never hear the end of it.

Tom Scavo:
Fine don't wear the apron that's...

Porter Scavo:
No. I'm not waiting on a kid who's going to make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here!

Tom Scavo:
Humiliating?

Lynette Scavo:
Guy's easy

Tom Scavo:
No you're not humiliated when you use the money we make here to buy your clothes!

Lynette Scavo:
Tom it's fine, I'll take the table

Tom Scavo:
No no no no no no no your mother can't wait on this whole restaurant herself!

Porter Scavo:
Well then you do it!

Tom Scavo:
Porter I'm your father and your boss and I'm telling you right now to go take that table.

Porter Scavo:
Or what your gonna fire me? go for it.

Tom Scavo:
[grabs Porter by his collar and shoves him against the wall as Lynette gasps] Do you think this is a joke? This is my life!

Lynette Scavo:
Tom!...

Tom Scavo:
No! [shakes Porter repeatedly] you're worried about being embarrassed? [shakes Porter while saying] I've put everything I have into this restaurant!

Lynette Scavo:
Alright that's enough! Let got of him! Let go of him! Let go of him!

Parker Scavo:
Guys... I just set a twelve top. Who's taking it?

Tom Scavo:
[sighs]... I will... [he walks off as everyone stares at him looking scared]

Bree:
I think you'd love the opera. The music and the voices, it's just all so passionate.

Peter McMillian:
Yeah, three hundred-pound soprano seducing balding tenors. That'd be hot!

Lynette:
Karl broke up with Edie.

Susan:
Oh my God!

Bree:
Yeah, apparently he was seeing someone.

Susan:
Really? Did he say who it is?

Edie:
I know who she is. She's a man-eating, scum-sucking ho bag!

Bree:
[Pause] No, he did not say.

Ed Ferrara:
At least you and Tom have a love life.

Lynette:
Well, we do the best we can. Given the circumstances.

Ed Ferrara:
Better than Fran and I. We're dead in that apartment. Ah, I don't wanna bore you with the details.

Lynette:
I appreciate that. You know, Ed. I don't want to pry into your personal business, but if you are having problems in that area, you don't have to be resigned to it.

Ed Ferrara:
What are you suggesting, hookers? No, Ed Ferrara doesn't pay for sex.

Susan Meyer:
[about Juanita] She could take down a small deer.

Gabrielle Solis:
Are you saying Juanita is fat for her age?

Susan Meyer:
Gaby, Juanita is fat for your age.

Edie Britt:
[seeing Susan and Gabrielle fighting] And they call me white trash.

Gabrielle Solis:
Look at my life, Susan. I've been beaten down.

Susan Meyer:
Well, I thought I had you beaten today and the next thing I knew, I was eating grass.

Gabrielle Solis:
Today doesn't count. Today I was mad.

Susan Meyer:
Maybe you need to get mad more often.

Jackson Braddock:
[hits Mike over the head playfully] Oops! Didn't see that coming.

Mike Delfino:
Just for that, I'm breaking my rule about not hitting girls.

Gabrielle Solis:
[to Andrew] I took the car to the mechanic's who told me the radiator's shot.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Oh, that, yeah. It's been giving me trouble for years. Just use the jar.

Gabrielle Solis:
What jar?

Andrew Van De Kamp:
It's in the truck. You just keep it full of water and when the radiator reheats, you fill it up. Oh, and try not going uphills and stay in the shade as much as possible.

Gabrielle Solis:
I can't drive around avoiding gravity and the sun!

Dave Williams:
[to Lynette] You know what a midlife crisis is?

Lynette Scavo:
I'm married to a 45 year old man who has a red convertible. Yeah, I think I know.

Gabrielle Solis:
[to Susan] You attacked my child and then me. Why should I even listen to you?

Susan Meyer:
I brought booze.

Gabrielle Solis:
Come on in.

Edie Britt:
No man respects an easy conquest. I make all my men wait.

Susan Mayer:
It's true, she has a little room with magazines and an aquarium.

Edie Britt:
I have so missed our friendship.

Travers McLain:
What does 'Bad in Bed' mean?

Edie Britt:
Well it means that you're not good at making... your bed. Mommy doesn't like people saying she can't make a bed because, trust me, nobody makes a bed as good as your mommy.

Travers McLain:
If you want, I can tell people you're good in bed.

Carlos Solis:
I'm sorry, I was on the phone to my cousin in Tucson and we always trade bad date stories.

Edie Britt:
And to think I went out of my way to spare your feelings.

Carlos Solis:
What's that supposed to mean?

Edie Britt:
You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer.

Lynette Scavo:
Parker, hey, where's your uniform? You've got your game in an hour.

Parker Scavo:
No I don't, I quit.

Lynette Scavo:
What?

Parker Scavo:
I hate baseball! Daddy said I don't have to play it anymore.

Lynette Scavo:
Well daddy should've checked with mommy so she could have a chance to tell him why he's wrong. Hey, you're playing!

Parker Scavo:
But mom, I suck! Everybody says so! That's why they made up a fake position for me!

Lynette Scavo:
It's not fake. There's not a team I know that can get along without their back-up far right fielder! OK, come on, let's go practice.

Parker Scavo:
[disgrunteled] Ohh!

Edie:
And now, the media room.

Mary Alice:
This is what rainy days are good for. They make everything clean again. Especially on a street like Wisteria Lane, where everything can get so messy.

Gabrielle:
Tell it to my Chinese friend, sue me!

Xiao-Mei:
[as Gabrielle brings Xiao-Mei her tray of food in bed] Where are my crackers?

Gabrielle:
We're out... but I brought you a pickle.

Xiao-Mei:
Pickles and soup? Who eats that?

Gabrielle:
That's all I've got.

Xiao-Mei:
Ever heard of a store? [throws pickle]

Gabrielle:
You did not just do that!

Xiao-Mei:
I hate pickles.

Gabrielle:
Pick it up!

Xiao-Mei:
Doctor say only get up to pee... better for baby. Remember?

Gabrielle:
[picks up pickle and starts walking away]

Xiao-Mei:
Don't go! I need you to rub my feet... they're sore. And doctor say...

Gabrielle:
Oh cut it out Xiao-Mei the doctor didn't say anything about rubbing your chubby stumps! Rub them yourself.

Xiao-Mei:
You treat me like dirt.

Gabrielle:
Would you rather be living with Mr.Solis? In a dingy, one bedroom apartment with no air conditioning and no cable? Huh? No!... didn't think so.

Xiao-Mei:
You are meanest person I know.

Gabrielle:
I am "the" meanest person. You've been in this country a year, modify your nouns, dammit!

Xiao-Mei:
What "a" b*tch.

Gabrielle:
I can't wait for you to pop out that baby, cause when you do I'm putting you on the first plane back to Shang Hi and you're gonna be on all fours and a rice patty before the epidural wears off!

Xiao-Mei:
But you promise to get me apartment in Chinatown so I can work for my friend and restaurant; start a new life!

Gabrielle:
Tell that to my Chiniese friend..."sue me!"

Xiao-Mei:
You are meanest person I know!

Gabrielle:
I am THE meanest person you know. You've been in this country a year, modify your nouns, dammit.

Bree:
Andrew, you remember Reverend Sikes, don't you?

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Oh, come on.

Bree:
Um, Reverend, why don't you, um, have seat, and I will get some refreshments?

[the reverend sits down at the dining room table where Andrew is sitting and Rex is pouring wine]

Reverend Sikes:
Ah. So, Andrew, it's been a long time.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Yes. Yes, it has.

Bree:
Would you like some water? I have flat or bubbly.

Reverend Sikes:
Oh, bubbly, please. So, your mother tells me you've started having some sexual desires for other boys.

[Andrew stares at his mother who smiles back lovingly. Andrew looks at the wine]

Andrew Van De Kamp:
I don't suppose I could get some of that.

Rex Van De Kamp:
I'm gonna need every drop.

Reverend Sikes:
And over the years, we've had so many young people come to our ministry hating themselves for their unnatural desires, and within a few months, they've found an inner peace and a tranquility that is nothing short of miraculous.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Oh.

[Bree reaches over and touches Andrew's arm. Andrew smiles back at his mother]

Reverend Sikes:
And all it takes is a little faith and a desire to change.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
I'm sorry, but I, I really don't want to talk about my sex life.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Well, that's just too bad, because this needs to be discussed.

Reverend Sikes:
Bree, please, let the boy speak. Go on.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Well, I appreciate your offer to help. I do. But I don't hate myself. So, I'm good.

Reverend Sikes:
Son, I know what it's like to be a teenager. It's a very confusing time.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
I'm not confused. I know exactly who I am.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Reverend, I don't mean to criticize, but it sounds like you're giving up.

Reverend Sikes:
Well, we can't force him on the path of righteousness. He himself has got to want to make the journey.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Well, then, what do we do, just stand by while he starts dating boys?

[to Andrew]

Bree Van De Kamp:
And by the way, the correct word is not "gay." It's "sodomy."

Rex Van De Kamp:
We're in the middle of dinner.

Bree Van De Kamp:
So?

Rex Van De Kamp:
So, can you at least wait until desert before calling our son a sodomite?

Bree Van De Kamp:
How you can sit there and be so casual is beyond me.

Rex Van De Kamp:
For starters, I knew this dinner was a bad idea the moment you suggested it.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Well, at least I'm trying to be pro-active!

Reverend Sikes:
Please, there's no need to get upset.

Bree Van De Kamp:
I am upset because there is a problem here and no-one seems to notice it but me.

Rex Van De Kamp:
As far as I'm concerned, if Andrew is happy with who he is, then it is our job to support him!

[brief silence]

Bree Van De Kamp:
[to Andrew] Your father is into S&M.

Rex Van De Kamp:
Bree!

Bree Van De Kamp:
He makes me beat him with a riding crop and I let him. It's no wonder you're perverted. Look who your parents are.

[Bree gets up and leaves]

Rex Van De Kamp:
Excuse me.

[Rex leaves too]

Andrew Van De Kamp:
[to Reverend Sikes] What a fun night. You know, we should really do this again sometime.

Susan Mayer:
[to Edie] Don't worry Edie, you're gonna be just fine.

Gabrielle Solis:
Ladies, start your blenders.

Edie Britt:
[Last Lines] As I looked down on the world, I began to let go of it. I let go of white picket fences, and cars in driveways, coffee cups and vacuum cleaners. I let go of all those things that seemed so ordinary, but when you put them together they make up a life, a life that really was one-of-a-kind. I'll tell you something, it's not hard to die when you know you have lived. And I did. Oh, how I lived!

Gabrielle Solis:
Ok my hour's up someone else hold Edie now.

Lynette Scavo:
I'll take her! [Gabby hands Lynette the urn and after a few second of holding it Lynette opens the it] kinda looks like cat litter.

Susan Mayer:
Lynette! Don't look at Edie...

Lynette Scavo:
Or what I'll turn to stone? She's all rough and gritty...

Bree Van De Kamp:
Uh Gabby... before we learn what Edie tastes like.

Gabrielle Solis:
I got it...

Bree Van De Kamp:
I think a little more reverence for the dead is in order.

Lynette Scavo:
Oh please we're talking about Edie. A little more irreverence is what we need.

Gabrielle Solis:
We're an unstoppable team!

Edie Britt:
The hottest chicks on Wisteria Lane!

Gabrielle Solis:
Oh be nice. There are lots of attractive women on the street!

Edie Britt:
Like who?

Gabrielle Solis:
How about Bree?

Edie Britt:
Uh with that hair colour you could stick a red nose on her and she could join the circus

Gabrielle Solis:
Lynette's beautiful.

Edie Britt:
Mmm for a baby factory...

Gabrielle Solis:
And Susan?

Edie Britt:
We're the hottest. Ok?

Susan Mayer:
What do you mean 'you two' were the hottest chicks on the lane?

Lynette Scavo:
She called me a 'baby factory'?

Karen McCluskey:
Yeah Gabby in hindsight maybe you shouldn't have told that part of the story

Gabrielle Solis:
Oh pfft!

Karen McCluskey:
How old are your boys anyway?

[Preston and Porter look at each other]

Porter Scavo:
We're six.

Karen McCluskey:
[turns to Parker] And you?

Parker Scavo:
Five.

Karen McCluskey:
Wow. Your mom just pops them out, doesn't she?

Preston Scavo:
How old are you?

Karen McCluskey:
How old do you think?

Porter Scavo:
150.

[watching an S&M video demonstration with Rex]

Rex:
Well?

Bree Van De Kamp:
What the hell did your mother do to you?

[Bree has agreed to try "dominating" Rex]

Rex:
If things do get too rough, we'll have a control word. If one of us says it, the other backs off immediately.

Bree:
Okay. So what's our control word?

Rex:
Well, lately I've been using "Philadelphia". What's wrong?

Bree:
Well, it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia, and I don't want to be thinking about her while I'm spanking you with a leather strap.

Rex:
Okay. Fine. You pick a control word.

Bree:
Um, how about "Boise"?

Rex:
"Boise"?

Bree:
What's the matter with "Boise"?

Rex:
We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like "Boise" would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious.

Bree:
Hmm.

[sombre tone]

Bree:
How about "Palestine"?

Rex:
"Boise" will be just fine.

Rex:
I want you to say you'll try it, just once.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Try what? Hurting you? You actually want me to hurt you?

Rex:
So I can feel pleasure, yes!

Bree Van De Kamp:
Fine. [slaps Rex across the face]

Bree Van De Kamp:
So, was it good for you too?

Bree Van De Kamp:
Rex and I are hosting a dinner party for 10 next week. We're using our best china and serving duck.

Dr. Albert Goldfine:
So, you and Rex are a couple again?

Bree Van De Kamp:
Yes. You know, that's one of the things I hated most about our separation, not being able to throw dinner parties. There is just something so civilized and elegant about them, don't you think?

Dr. Albert Goldfine:
I take it you've resolved your feelings about his infidelity?

Bree Van De Kamp:
Let's just say I've put them in an imaginary box and don't plan on looking at them for a while.

Dr. Albert Goldfine:
Do you think that's the healthiest way to achieve a reconciliation?

Bree Van De Kamp:
Well, it won't be easy at first. There will be a lot of forced smiles and perfunctory lovemaking, but after a few decades whiz by, I'm sure I'll find a way to forgive him.

Dr. Albert Goldfine:
Well, as long as you have a plan. [smirks]

Bree Van De Kamp:
[Looking pensive] I do want to forgive him Dr. Goldfine but, [pauses] there is still something he's not telling me.

Dr. Albert Goldfine:
Really?

Bree Van De Kamp:
I think it has something to do with why he had the affair.

Dr. Albert Goldfine:
Have you confronted him?

Bree Van De Kamp:
Once... and you should have seen the look in his eyes. He was terrified that I'd figure it out.

Dr. Albert Goldfine:
[looks away]

Bree Van De Kamp:
You know what it is, don't you?

Dr. Albert Goldfine:
Bree, I can't discuss other patients.

Bree Van De Kamp:
I realize that. This thing that he is hiding, is it bad?

Dr. Albert Goldfine:
[Looks away]

Bree Van De Kamp:
OH! OK, um, [nervous laugh] maybe it's better that I don't know.

Dr. Albert Goldfine:
Bree, how does the reconciliation have a chance if the two of you can't be honest about the innermost parts of your lives?

Bree Van De Kamp:
We're, um, WASPs Dr. Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best.

Dr. Albert Goldfine:
You'd settle for that? A life filled with repression and denial?

Bree Van De Kamp:
And the dinner parties. Don't forget the dinner parties.

Bree Hodge:
What you doing?

Robin Gallagher:
Making you my screensaver.

Bree Hodge:
Oh that's sweet.

Robin Gallagher:
You're replacing my cat, he's eating noodles.

Susan Mayer:
Oh don't cry, why you crying? Strippers are supposed to be tough.

Robin Gallagher:
Stop calling me that. Yes, I was a stripper. But you know what? You were the only person who never treated me like one, until now.

Susan Mayer:
Oh.

Robin Gallagher:
And I'm really sorry if I crossed the line with Mike. You know I guess after working nine years in the club I just don't know where the line is anymore.

[Susan swipes Katherine's pearls to pay MJ's tuition, and Katherine chases her into the street wearing only a towel]

Katherine Mayfair:
Susan Mayer for God's sake, give me back my pearls.

Susan Mayer:
[Susan grabs hold of the towel] Pearls or towel, you decide.

Katherine Mayfair:
You wouldn't dare!

Susan Mayer:
I have been naked once on this street. It would be nice to take the heat off that story.

Katherine Mayfair:
Have you lost your mind?

Susan Mayer:
Mike said he can't afford to pay for MJ's private school, now I know why! He wants to see his girlfriend wearing pearls when she flashes him!

Katherine Mayfair:
He wouldn't pay for MJ's school?

Susan Mayer:
No. So, I was gonna take these and sell them to try to pay for it and now that I'm saying it out loud, I hear how stupid that sounds.

Katherine Mayfair:
I can't believe Mike would do that.

Susan Mayer:
Well... he did.

[They hear someone fall]

Parker Scavo:
[Smiling, waves to them] Hey Mrs. Mayfair, it's nice to see you.

[she adjusts her towel]

Bree:
Orson, we've been robbed!

Orson Hodge:
It wasn't me, I swear.

Carlos Solis:
Did I ever tell you when I knew I was going to marry you?

Gabrielle Solis:
First time you saw me on the runway.

Carlos Solis:
Nooo. That's when I knew I was gonna sleep with you. [chuckles] Nah, I knew I was going to marry you the night we went to that restaurant on 3rd Street.

Gabrielle Solis:
Mmm. I remember that place.

Carlos Solis:
Mm-hmm. You wore a white linen sundress and [chuckles] you ordered this giant plate of ribs. And you ate them with such gusto - up to your elbows in barbecue sauce, meat hanging from your teeth and grease in your hair - and when it was all over, I pointed out what a mess you were. You pulled out your mirror, took a look at yourself, and just let out this huge, happy, totally unrestrained laugh. The room completely filled with it, and I thought to myself now *that* is a sound I'd like to hear the rest of my life. That's why I proposed to you. And it had nothing to do with your looks.

Gabrielle Solis:
You know when I decided I wanted to be with you forever?

Carlos Solis:
No. When?

Gabrielle Solis:
About two seconds ago. [kisses Carlos] Up until then, it was pretty touch and go.

Susan Mayer:
[spits out cookie] I hate macadamia nuts. You think they're white chocolate chips until it's too late. Stupid Hawaii.

Orson Hodge:
[to Bree] I want a divorce.

Karen McCluskey:
[to Dave] Stop screwing with me!

Dr. Baron:
[to Gabrielle] You're pregnant.

Karen McCluskey:
You planned this whole thing. The party... breaking into my house... my reaction. You're trying to get rid of me.

Dave Williams:
Yes... and I'm sorry it had to be you.

Karen McCluskey:
'Cause I know you're up to something. Something awful.

Dave Williams:
You don't know what "awful" is. Well... you take care of yourself Karen. I mean that.

Mike Delfino:
You're doing great honey, just keep breathing. How close are the contractions?

Susan:
A few weeks apart... wanna go to the movies?

Mike Delfino:
What?

Susan:
I'm not in labour, ok?

Mike Delfino:
But y-your water broke. I saw it!

Susan:
It was club soda. Amniotic fluid doesn't have ice cubes and a lemon wedge.

[the kids sneak into Lynette's room while she's asleep]

Parker Scavo, Preston Scavo, Porter Scavo:
Happy Mother's Day!

Lynette Scavo:
Oh my gosh, that is so sweet, thank you. [Porter gives her a breafast in bed tray with breakfast on it]

Parker Scavo:
We're gonna go get your present.

Porter Scavo:
I hope you like turtles!

Kayla Huntington:
[to Lynette] I got that idiot Preston to jump off the roof, I wonder what I can get little Penny to do.

Lynette Scavo:
[to Kayla] We're supposed to be spending time together not going into debt.

Felicia Tilman:
I'm not worried, Edie. Martha and I have a very intense bond. We were connected at the most primal level and, a few days ago, I felt this sensation in my soul. That's when it first dawned on me that something had happened to my sister, and when she didn't arrive at my home as scheduled, well... that's when I knew she was dead.

Edie Britt:
Oh, honey, no. You musn't think like that. Martha's only missing.

Felicia Tilman:
[in a patronizing tone] No. Edie. She's dead. But she's my sister and I'm going to find out *exactly* what happened to her.

Edie Britt:
Look, Felicia, it's... natural to freak out when a loved one's missing.

Felicia Tilman:
Loved one? Oh. Edie, let me be clear about this. I hated Martha. She was a wretched pig of a woman, and the day she died, this world became a better place.

Susan Mayer:
[singing "New York, New York" to live piano accompaniment after just learning from neighbor Edie that she had had an indiscretion with Carl, her ex] Start spreading the news, I'm leavin' today. I wanna be a part of it, New York, New York. These vagabond shoes... [whispers in the mike to Carl] You're an ass, you know that? [piano stops] No, keep playing. [resumes singing] Are longing to stray. [speaks] There's a word you know, right? [sings] And get around the heart of it, New York, New York. I wanna... [speaks] just tell you that the affair was one thing. I mean, I forgave you because on some small level, I thought you were in love with her, and now I find out that you were just groping people at parties. [sings] Top of the heap. [speaks] Karl, don't you turn away from me. Look at me! You know, what else were you doing during our marriage? How many other women were you sticking it to? As God is my witness, it will snow on the hills of hell before I ever feel sorry for you again! [awkward silence in the bar; finishes song] New York! [piano fluorish]

[George has dinner with the Van De Kamps]

Andrew Van De Kamp:
So, George, can I ask you a question? And it's kind of personal.

George Williams:
Sure.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Have you ever actually been with a woman?

George Williams:
[chuckling] Excuse me?

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Well, let's be honest. I think it's obvious by the way that you talk and act that you're not a player, so I was just curious to find out if you had ever actually gotten in the game.

George Williams:
My experience with women is none of your business.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Oh, I think it is. I mean, you're dating my mom. And we both know that at your age, dating's a little more than just holding hands.

George Williams:
We're not dating exactly.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Oh, sure you are. And you know what? I think it's great. But I wanna make sure my mom's happy, you know, and it would really set my mind at ease to know that she's with a guy that knows how to please a lady.

George Williams:
This is inappropriate.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
You know, my parents had a great sex life. Man, I heard 'em through the wall of my bedroom once.

George Williams:
Please shut up.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
You should've heard my mom, too. She had this... this weird moan. It was kind of like, um...

[Andrew makes a moan that's followed by an unh!]

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Isn't that bizarre? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes.

[a dumbfounded George looks at Andrew while Bree and Danielle enter with cobblers]

Bree Van De Kamp:
Okay, time for cobbler. Sorry, one of the dessert plates doesn't match. I tried to replace it, but it's Spode Florence. It's a rare pattern. It belonged to my grandmother. But hopefully once you taste the dessert, you'll forget all about it.

George Williams:
I'm not hungry.

Bree Van De Kamp:
George, you have to have this. It's absolutely scrumptious.

[Bree takes a bite]

Bree Van De Kamp:
Mmm. Mmm!

[George looks from Bree to Andrew, who points to Bree and mouths "That's it." George slams his fist and stands up]

George Williams:
Go to your room!

Tom:
The kids would benefit from having two stay-at-home parents. Although buying food might become an issue.

Iris Beckley:
[Both sitting down in Iris's living room, having coffee] I'm sorry I couldn't get an address or anything.

Patrick Logan:
You got me everything I needed.

Iris Beckley:
Good. So... then I guess...?

Patrick Logan:
Ah! Of course. [hands her an envelope full of money]

Iris Beckley:
I know you've been looking for Angie for a long time but there's not gonna be any trouble, right?

Patrick Logan:
Trouble?

Iris Beckley:
Well, you're not gonna like, hurt her or anything?

Patrick Logan:
She took something of mine. I want it back.

Iris Beckley:
Okay. It's just I like Rose and I don't ever want to hear that something bad happened to her kid.

Patrick Logan:
You should get that money to the bank. This place doesn't seem very safe to me.

Iris Beckley:
What are you talking about? Look at all those locks.

Patrick Logan:
Yeah, but what if someone were to come up this fire escape?

Iris Beckley:
Oh, that window is always locked.

Patrick Logan:
You think that's gonna stop them? [Opens the window and wraps his scarf around his hand, leans through and punches the other window]

Iris Beckley:
[Startled] What are you doing?

Patrick Logan:
They reach through, unlock the window, [he tightens the scarf in his hands straight across] and now you're in trouble.

Bree:
I cannot afford to break down right now.

Susan:
Why not?

Bree:
[Rex's mother pulls up] You'll see why in a moment.

Bree Van De Kamp:
You are no longer invited to the funeral.

Phyllis Van De Kamp:
What?

Reverend Sikes:
You're not serious.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Oh, yes, I am. I am going to hire security. And those security men are going to have sticks and if you so much as set foot in that sanctuary, they will be instructed to beat you with those sticks.

Reverend Sikes:
Bree, this is your grief talking.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, so help me, I will pull the funeral out of your church!

Reverend Sikes:
Bree!

Bree Van De Kamp:
I am not kidding. I will go non-denominational so fast, it will make your head spin.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Mom, Grandma's leaving. All right, you have to talk to her.

Bree Van De Kamp:
No, I don't. If you heard the things that she said to me...

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Look, I'm sure she was a real b*tch, OK, but she's family, so that makes her our b*tch. Let her say goodbye to Dad.

Bree Van De Kamp:
She went out of her way to be cruel to me. I don't want her at the funeral.

Danielle Van De Kamp:
[crying] Mom, if you don't let Grandma come, I will never forgive you!

Andrew Van De Kamp:
[to Danielle] Did I ask for your help?

[to Bree]

Andrew Van De Kamp:
You know Dad would want her there.

Edie Britt:
Wow, how self absorbed can you be? I have had a thing for Mike since the day he moved in here and I even backed off when he fell for your little miss adorable act. But he's over that, it's my turn now and I will be better for him than you ever were. And if you do get hurt well that's just gravy.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
She tried to slit her wrists with a spoon. Next time she might jump off the porch.

Susan:
How do you sleep at night?

Edie:
Soon... with Mike on top of me.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
There's no rush, she's not trying that hard. [Andrew Van De Kamp about Danielle Van De Kamp's suicide]

[Lynette is giving dinner to the kids, Kayla walks over toward the TV with hers]

Lynette Scavo:
Kayla, where are you going?

Kayla:
To watch TV.

Lynette Scavo:
Oh, sweety we don't watch TV during dinner.

Kayla:
But my show is on.

Lynette Scavo:
Well, I'm sorry those are the rules.

Kayla:
My mommy let me.

Lynette Scavo:
Just this once.

Lynette Scavo:
[the twins give Lynette 'What gives?' looks, Parker crosses his arms] Ok, ok, I know what you're thinking, but Kayla's going through a hard time right now, come and sit down. Letting her watch TV is like me letting you eat ice cream when you're sick.

Porter Scavo:
But she's not sick.

Lynette Scavo:
That's true, but she's sad.

Parker Scavo:
[cute or funny] I'm sad, I can't watch TV!

Lynette Scavo:
Eat your tacos.

Lynette Scavo:
[Kids give each other looks of agreement and get up to go over to the TV] Wow, wow, wow, sit your buts down.

Preston Scavo:
It's not fair.

Lynette Scavo:
I don't care, we have rules.

Porter Scavo:
Well she gets to!

Lynette Scavo:
She's special, now sit down! Come on.

Porter Scavo:
Does she get dessert too?

Kayla:
Of course I do.

Lynette Scavo:
[Tom pulls up in the van bringing Kayla to live with them] Ok, they're here, now listen, [to Parker] stand up. Kayla has been through a lot so when she walks through the door I want you to make her feel welcome, ok, give her a hug and be really nice.

Parker Scavo:
I'm giving her my room, how much nicer do I have to be?

Lynette Scavo:
Well nicer than that or she's gonna get all your toys too!

Carlos:
I was worried until they brought out the crayons and kids' menu.

Parker Scavo:
MOM! We're gonna bake you a cake when the doctor says your cancer's gone.

Lynette Scavo:
Great! Grab this. [hands him a sack of rodent poison]

Parker Scavo:
What's this stuff for?

Lynette Scavo:
You know that possum that's been ruining our garden?

Parker Scavo:
[Happily] Yeah, me and Preston named him Scruffles!

Lynette Scavo:
Don't give him a name, he's not gonna be around much longer.

Parker Scavo:
[concerned] You're not gonna hurt him are you?

Lynette Scavo:
Honey, I put up a fence and he burrowed right under it. The man at the garden center said these are crafty creatures and there's only one way to stop 'em.

Parker Scavo:
So you're gonna kill him?

Lynette Scavo:
Sweaty let me ask you something. If you had to choose between mommy's beautiful garden and a gross, mean, dirty possum, what would you pick?

Parker Scavo:
Scruffles!

Lynette Scavo:
Ok, we're done talkin' here. [she grabs the bags from him, leaving him looking a little upset]

Tom Scavo:
Ok, now you're scaring me.

Lynette Scavo:
Why?

Tom Scavo:
Look at yourself. You've declared jihad on a possum.

Lynette Scavo:
This is not a joke, Tom. Something has attacked our home and, when that happens, you don't just stand by. You fight it! Screw this creature that has come into our lives uninvited and is trying to destroy us! It will not defeat me!

Tom Scavo:
OK. You do what you need to do.

Lynette Scavo:
Thank you.

Bree:
Look, this family's reputation is already hanging by a thread. I mean first people thought that your stepfather was a wife killer, then your sister takes off with her history teacher, and now we're supposed to parade the little bastard up and down the street. I mean we might as well sit on the porch and play banjos!

Susan Delfino:
OK, before we go any further, can I check these diplomas? Just to make sure they aren't, like, from some med school in the Philippines?

Lynette Scavo:
And, Edie, you look great, especially, you know, given the circumstances.

Edie Britt:
You mean that I tried to hang myself? Well, it's okay. The doctor encouraged me to talk about it.

Bree:
Surely not over food.

[after Mary Alice kills Diedre with a knife]

Paul Young:
Oh, Mary Alice! What have you done?

[after killing Deidre, Mary Alice brings a toy chest from upstairs]

Paul Young:
What are we going to do?

Mary Alice:
You said they were pouring the concrete for the pool to mould.

Paul Young:
You can't be serious!

Mary Alice:
They'll never find her. We can put her in this.

[points to the toy chest]

Paul Young:
She wont fit!

Mary Alice:
Then we'll have to make her fit!

[Mary Alice starts checking Diedre's arm]

Paul Young:
What are you doing?

Mary Alice:
Checking for track marks.

[after killing Diedre, Mary Alice brings a toy chest from upstairs]

Paul Young:
What are we going to do?

Mary Alice:
You said they were pouring the concrete for the pool to mould.

Paul Young:
You cant be serious!

Mary Alice:
They'll never find her. We can put her in this.

[points to the toy chest]

Paul Young:
She wont fit!

Mary Alice:
Then we'll have to make her fit!

[Mary Alice starts checking Diedre's arm]

Paul Young:
What are you doing?

Mary Alice:
Checking for track marks.

Bree:
[the doctor has just called to tell Bree that Rex is dead] No, no - of course. You did everything you could.

[Bree hangs up the phone, gracefully finishes cleaning her silverware... and then begins to cry uncontrollably]

Rex:
Bree... I think I'm having a heart attack!

Bree:
No, you're not!

[as he dresses for court in prison]

Carlos:
Beating up a second gay guy looks bad.

Gabrielle:
Yes, well, Carlos, in some circles, beating people up at all is frowned upon.

Carlos:
Now they think I'm some kind of serial gay basher.

Gabrielle:
Well...

[holds up police sketch]

Gabrielle:
You kind of are.

Ellie Leonard:
Hi, I'm Ellie. I understand you've got a room to rent.

Gabrielle Lang:
Yeah, come on in.

Carlos Solis:
[to Gaby about Ellie] So we have two tramps living in our house.

Gabrielle Lang:
[to Carlos about Ellie] Okay, there may be two tramps in this house, but only one of them is getting paid.

Gabrielle Lang:
[about Ellie] There have been men coming out of her room at all hours of the night. And I saw her counting a wad of cash.

Edie Britt:
Tell me anyway. Just in case you're not saying I'm a big slut.

Bree Hodge:
Oh, come on, Edie. Carlos, Mike, Karl. You do have a way at picking at other women's leftovers.

Kayla Huntington:
[to Lynette] I think it's good that you're punishing the twins because they're bad kids and they deserve to be punished.

Susan Mayer:
I just don't know how I'm going to survive this.

Mary Alice:
Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation, but if we can face them head on, that's when we find out how strong we really are.

Mary Alice:
[narrating voice over, about Edie] Susan had met the enemy. And she? Was a slut.

Rex:
I can't believe you tried to kill me.

Bree:
Yes, well, I feel badly about that.

Lynette:
You are going to behave today. I am not gonna be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know that I'm serious, I am...

[takes a piece of paper out of her pocket]

Porter Scavo:
What's that?

Lynette:
Santa's cell-phone number!

Preston Scavo:
How'd you get that?

Lynette:
I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! Are you willing to risk that?

Rex:
Since when do you make mistakes?

Bree:
What's that supposed to mean?

Rex:
It means I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you making our bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom. You're this, this plastic suburban housewife, with her pearls and her spatula, who says things like, "we owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton? And laugh? I need her. Not this cold, perfect thing you've become.

[first lines]

Mary Alice:
[voice over narration] My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally there is never anything newsworthy about my life, but that all changed last Thursday. Of course, everything seemed quite normal at first. I made breakfast for my family, I performed my chores, I completed my projects, I ran my errands. In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day, quietly polishing the routine of my life, until it gleamed with perfection. That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used. My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs. Martha Huber, who'd been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced. After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me six months before.

Mary Alice:
[voice over narration] And, for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy. But only for a moment. If there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side.

Carlos Solis:
At the Donahue party everyone was talking mutual funds, and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfield.

Gabrielle Solis:
I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation.

[first lines]

Mary Alice:
[voice over narration] Everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone, that is, except her own family.

Julie Mayer:
Mom, why would someone kill themselves?

Susan Mayer:
Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems.

Julie Mayer:
But Mrs. Young always seemed happy.

Susan Mayer:
Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside.

Julie Mayer:
Oh, you mean like how Dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a b*tch?

Susan Mayer:
I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example.

Susan Mayer:
I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for lunch.

Gabrielle Solis:
It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience.

Lynette:
Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.

Susan Mayer:
Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

Mike Delfino:
Why?

Susan Mayer:
I made it, trust me. [Mike prepares to take a bite] Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?

Mike Delfino:
No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese. [Mike takes a bites of the macaroni, as Susan gestures apologetically, smiling] Oh my God. [makes a face] How did you... it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked.

Susan Mayer:
Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go. [Susan gets a tissue and gives it to him, as he spits his mouthful of macaroni and cheese into the tissue]

Lynette:
What are you doing? We are at a wake!

Preston Scavo:
When we got here you said we could go in the pool.

Lynette:
I said you could go by the pool. Do you have your swimsuits on?

Preston Scavo:
Yeah, we put them on under our clothes before we left.

Julie Mayer:
Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex? [Susan's pen halts stroke and stops what she is doing. She turns to look at Julie, open-mouthed] Are you mad that I asked you that?

Susan Mayer:
No, I'm just trying to remember. [Julie tilts her head to one side, smiling at Susan, who turns back to her drawing] I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out.

Gabrielle Solis:
It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives.

Carlos Solis:
Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.

Gabrielle Solis:
I made over two hundred thousand doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him.

Gabrielle Solis:
This table was hand-carved, Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost him twenty three thousand dollars.

John Rowland:
You wanna do it on the table this time?

Gabrielle Solis:
Absolutely.

Danielle Van De Kamp:
Why can't we ever have normal soup?

Bree:
Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.

Danielle Van De Kamp:
Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of. Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?

Bree:
First of all, your Father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic. And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion. [turns to Andrew] So, how's the osso buco?

Andrew Van De Kamp:
It's okay.

Bree:
It's okay? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say "it's okay" in that sullen tone?

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?

Bree:
[shocked] Excuse me?

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Tim Harper's Mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy.

Bree:
You'd rather I serve pork and beans?

Danielle Van De Kamp:
[turns to Andrew] Apologize now, I am begging.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food?

Bree:
Are you doing drugs?

Andrew Van De Kamp:
What?

Bree:
Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom.

Danielle Van De Kamp:
Trust me, that is not what he is doing.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Shut up. [to Bree] Mom, I'm not the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting like she's running for Mayor of Stepford.

Bree:
[at the dinner table] Rex, seeing that you're the head of this household I would really appreciate it if you said something.

Rex:
Pass the salt?

Lynette:
[to Parker] Not now, honey, Mommy's threatening Daddy.

John Rowland:
[John and Gabrielle are lying in her bed together after sex] You know what I don't get?

Gabrielle Solis:
What?

John Rowland:
Why you married Mr. Solis.

Gabrielle Solis:
Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted.

John Rowland:
Well, did he?

Gabrielle Solis:
Yes.

John Rowland:
Then... why aren't you happy?

Gabrielle Solis:
Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.

John Rowland:
So. Do you love him?

Gabrielle Solis:
[sighs] I do.

John Rowland:
So, why are we here? Why are we doing this?

Gabrielle Solis:
[smoking a cigarette] Because I don't want to wake up one morning with the sudden urge to blow my brains out.

John Rowland:
Hey, can I have a drag?

Gabrielle Solis:
Absolutely not. You are much too young to smoke.

Susan Mayer:
How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery?

Julie Mayer:
Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal.

Susan Mayer:
You're right. [stalling] So, is that your project for school? You know when I was in fifth grade I made the White House out of sugar cubes.

Julie Mayer:
Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better.

Susan Mayer:
[gapes at Julie] Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?

Julie Mayer:
You were using me to hurt Dad.

Susan Mayer:
Oh, that's right. Oh, God.

Susan Mayer:
I have a clog.

Mike Delfino:
Excuse me?

Susan Mayer:
And you're a plumber, right?

Mike Delfino:
Yeah.

Susan Mayer:
The clog's in the pipe.

Mike Delfino:
Yeah, that's usually where they are.

Rex:
[to Bree] I want a divorce. I just can't live in this detergent commercial anymore.

Rex:
[after Rex has asked for a divorce in a family restaurant] Are we gonna talk about what I said?

Bree:
[to Rex] If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled "Chicks" and "Dudes", you are out of your mind.

Lynette:
Oh, wait, I got to tell you. I was having trouble with swelling so the doctor took me off the pill, so you're just gonna have to put on a condom.

Tom Scavo:
A condom?

Lynette:
Yeah.

Tom Scavo:
What's the big deal? Let's risk it.

Lynette:
Let's risk it?

Tom Scavo:
Yeah. [Lynette punches him in the face]

Susan Mayer:
I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't!

Julie Mayer:
You don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just... having dinner. [Susan gives her a look] You're right. They're doing it.

[last lines]

Susan Mayer:
Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

Gabrielle Solis:
If Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known. She lives fifty feet away for God's sakes.

Susan Mayer:
Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must have been going on.

Gabrielle Solis:
What's that?

Bree:
It's a letter addressed to Mary Alice.

Mike Delfino:
I'm Mike Delfino. I just started renting the Sims' house next door.

Susan Mayer:
Susan Mayer. I live across the street.

Gabrielle Solis:
I really hate the way you talk to me.

Carlos Solis:
And I really hate that I spent fifteen thousand dollars on your diamond necklace, that you couldn't live without. But I'm learning to deal with it.

Susan Mayer:
[breaking into Edie's house] Hello, anybody home? I need to borrow sugar.

[at dinner party with all the wives and their partners]

Bree:
Rex cries after he ejaculates.

Rex:
[having an allergic reaction] You put onions in my salad?

Bree:
No, I didn't!

[looks back at table]

Bree:
Oh, wait.

[Bree is compulsively fixing a button on Dr. Goldfine's jacket during their session]

Dr. Goldfine:
I'm sure Freud would not approve of this.

Bree:
Oh, who cares what he thinks. I took psychology in college. We learned all about Freud. A miserable human being.

Dr. Goldfine:
What makes you say that?

Bree:
Well, think about it. He grew up in the late 1800s. There were no appliances back then. His mother had to do everything by hand, just backbreaking work from sunup to sundown, not to mention the countless other sacrifices she probably had to make to take care of her family. And what does he do? He grows up and becomes famous, peddling a theory that the problems of most adults can be traced back to something awful their mother has done. She must have felt so betrayed. He saw how hard she worked. He saw what she did for him. Did he even ever think to say thank you? I doubt it.

Gabrielle Solis:
And some people kiss their friends, it's like a high-five on the lips!

[first lines]

Mary Alice Young:
[voice over narration] After I died, I began to surrender the parts of myself that were no longer necessary. My desires, beliefs, ambitions, doubts. Every trace of my humanity was discarded. I discovered, when moving through eternity, it helps to travel lightly. In fact, I held onto only one thing. My memory. It's astonishing to look back on the world I left behind. I remember it all. Every single detail. Like my friend, Bree Van De Kamp. I remember the easy confidence of her smile, the gentle elegance of her hands, the refined warmth of her voice...

Bree:
Bye.

Mary Alice Young:
[voice over narration] ...But what I remember most about Bree...,

Bree:
Rex, wasn't that a lovely...?

Mary Alice Young:
[voice over narration] ...was the look of fear in her eyes. Bree had started to realize her world was unraveling. And for a woman who despised loose ends, that was unacceptable...

Bree:
Oh, Rex, you look so tired.

Rex:
I didn't sleep. This damn thing is so uncomfortable.

Bree:
Well, why don't you move back upstairs, and sleep in my bed.

Rex:
We're in marriage counseling, Bree. I think that would confuse things.

Bree:
It's just... I miss you.

Rex:
I know you do. Of course, if I don't start getting some sleep pretty soon, I'll be forced to move back upstairs out of sheer exhaustion.

Mary Alice Young:
[narrating voice over] Yes, Bree was afraid of many things. But if there was one thing she wasn't afraid of..., it was a challenge.

Susan Mayer:
How could we have all forgotten about this?

Lynette Scavo:
We didn't exactly forget. It's just that usually when the hostess dies, the party is off.

Bree:
Lynette!

Lynette Scavo:
I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality.

Lynette Scavo:
[to Tom] Throw a dinner party? I don't even have time to wash my face!

Susan Mayer:
Lynette?

Lynette Scavo:
I'm in.

Bree:
I'll make braised lamb shanks.

Lynette Scavo:
I'm still in.

Carlos Solis:
[to Gabrielle] You know what your problem is? You're very tense. You should go to a spa, or go shopping. Find a way to relax.

Gabrielle Solis:
[on the phone to John] Well, get here as fast as you can. My husband I need to relax.

Rex:
So these "tennis lessons" we're taking. How are we doing?

Bree:
My back hand is improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve.

Rex:
Of course.

Susan Mayer:
You can afford a cabin, but you can't scrape up child support?

Karl Mayer:
The check is in the mail.

Susan Mayer:
Uh... [checks mailbox] No, it's not.

Zach Young:
Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary.

Paul Young:
That will be your choice to make. Assuming you outlive me.

Mrs. Bukowski:
[about Ashley] She's shy. She doesn't say much.

Ashley Bukowski:
Yeah, but I can see her little mind working away.

Karl Mayer:
The heart wants what it wants!

Susan Mayer:
Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself!

Karl Mayer:
I don't want to go back to that ugly place, really, and if you do, I suggest you get some help.

Susan Mayer:
You know what? I don't need an apology! I don't need anything from you!

Karl Mayer:
You're humiliating yourself!

Susan Mayer:
No, you're the one who's been humiliated, Karl. Why don't you see that? You walked out on your family! People think you're scum, not me! So worry about yourself! I'm okay with me! [barefoot and wearing only a towel and talking to Karl whose in the car] I can walk down the street and hold my head high! [She accidentally gets her towel caught on the door as she slams it, and he drives off leaving Susan standing naked as she gasps] Oh! [Susan looks around, whimpers, and runs to her door with embarrassment and it's locked] Oh! [Susan hides behind the porch's support beam embarrassed]

Mary Alice Young:
[narrating voice over] As the sun slowly settled on Wisteria Lane, an unsettled Susan racked her brain to find a way into her own house.

[Susan holds the plant in front of her naked body and sidesteps her way down the steps and toward the garden shed on the left side of the house which is also locked. She tiptoes to the window and tries to open it, but it's stuck. She puts the plant down and uses two hands to open it, but slips and falls on her back into her shrubs]

Mary Alice Young:
[narrating voice over] Lying naked in her shrubs, it occurred to Susan that this could be the most humiliating moment of her life. [Mike walks by and notices her naked in the shrubs]

Mike Delfino:
Susan?

Mary Alice Young:
[narrating voice over] She was wrong.

Mike Delfino:
[averting his eyes and grinning] Uh...whatcha' doing?

Susan Mayer:
Locked myself out...naked.

Mike Delfino:
Oh.

Susan Mayer:
And then I fell. [crosses her legs] So how are you?

Mike Delfino:
Good, good. I just got back. I've been gone all day, and I got your message about dinner, and, um, I would love to come if the invite still stands.

Susan Mayer:
It's a date.

Mike Delfino:
Alright, I um, assume the dress is, uh, casual.

Susan Mayer:
Yeah, it's...it's casual. [Mike nods, grinning as he walks off. Susan squeals and covers herself with the plants]

Susan Mayer:
Thanks for helping me break in. Do you think it's gonna be hard to replace that screen?

Mike Delfino:
Well that depends. If you nail it in yourself, you might wanna wear gloves. Or pants. Pants wouldn't hurt.

Susan Mayer:
Okay. I know what just happened is funny, in theory, but I am nowhere near ready to laugh about it. So, please, no jokes.

Bree:
[opens the front door] Hey, where have you two been?

Mike Delfino:
Um, Susan had a problem finding something to wear [stifles his laughter] . Oh, was that the kinda thing you meant?

Susan Mayer:
Pretty much.

Rex:
We're not really taking tennis lessons, Carlos.

Carlos Solis:
You're not?

Rex:
It's a story Bree concocted to cover the fact we're seeing a marriage counselor. [Bree drops tray of food] Bree! Bree! [She takes his glass of wine] He wouldn't stop asking about the tennis pro! [to everyone] Bree and I are in marriage counseling. [to Bree] Everyone knows our little secret now. Did the sky fall? Has your life come crashing down?

Susan Mayer:
Listen, Mike, about the whole 'seeing me naked' thing. I, I just want to thank you for being such a perfect gentleman.

Mike Delfino:
Oh, I wasn't a perfect gentleman, I might have snuck a peek.

Susan Mayer:
Oh, goodnight!

Mike Delfino:
And for what it's worth, wow.

Carlos Solis:
[to Gabrielle, about Bree] I'd probably cry too if I had to have sex with that woman.

Bree:
Why is this happening?

Rex:
Because you can't even let me pack my own suitcase.

Tom Scavo:
[to Lynette] Listen, the kids are watching a video, which means we've got only about forty five minutes until they actually find Nemo...

[last lines]

Mary Alice Young:
[narrating voice over] Yes, I remember the world, every detail. And what I remember most is how afraid I was [shot of Bree holding Mary Alice's audio tape] . What a waste. [Bree looks out the window] You see, to live in fear is not to live at all. I wish I could tell this to those I left behind. [shot of Gabrielle and John sleeping in bed together] But would it do any good? Probably not [Gabrielle looks out the window]. I understand now. There will always be those who face their fears [shot of Susan looking through pictures, she looks out the window]. And there will always be those... who run away [shot of Paul hammering a "For Sale" sign into the yard of his house].

Bree:
Rex cries when he ejaculates.

Paul Young:
I'm surprised you agreed to see me.

Felicia Tilman:
I wanted to spit in your face. I didn't realise there'd be glass.

Lynette Scavo:
Susan, Bree, Gaby, this is my old college roomate Renee.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Hi! It's so nice to finally meet you. Lynette has talked so much about her friend in college.

Renee Perry:
Oh yes. You know how in school the pretty girls always hang out together? Well I refused to go along with that.

Lynette Scavo:
Renee comes off a little stuck-up when you first meet her. Which is a real time-saver.

Renee Perry:
Lynette, why so mean? I worked on these compliments all the way from the airport.

Lynette Scavo:
Drive slower next time.

Susan Delfino:
So Renee, you have to tell us, what was Lynette like in college?

Renee Perry:
Absolutely fearless. She just kept wearing those parachute pants, lesbian rumours be damned.

Lynette Scavo:
Yes, Renee was always the one with the fashion sense. Before I met her, I'd never even heard of Gucci or Prada or Chlamydia.

Lynette Scavo:
Well, of course you can stay here as long as you want.

Renee Perry:
Thanks. And to show you my appreciation, I would like to pay for your first face-lift.

Lynette Scavo:
That is so generous. Although, now that you've had nine, you probably get the next one free.

Gabrielle Solis:
Wow, you guys play rough.

Lynette Scavo:
No, it's just what we do. It's fun. I tease her about being all botulism from the nose up...

Renee Perry:
...and I tease her about being all cottage cheese from the waist down.

Renee Perry:
I gotta say Lynette, this place is adorable. It's so cosy and intimate and...

Lynette Scavo:
Pay attention kids. You're learning a lot of new words for "small".

Lynette Scavo:
Hi...

Renee Perry:
I'm back Rodolfo. Please tell Signor Cipriani I always stay at that suite when I visit Venice and if it's not available, I will be very unhappy. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone more important I need to speak with.

Lynette Scavo:
Hi...

Renee Perry:
Hey Jose. Thanks for holding. Look, I can't do Thursday, so...

Lynette Scavo:
Jose, she'll call you back.

Renee Perry:
Lynette, you haven't changed.

Lynette Scavo:
Neither have you.

Renee Perry:
It's just hard for me to reconcile this suburban housewife with the girl who had a threesome with two of the guys from the rugby team!

[Lynette, the twins and Parker are at a hotel pool]

Parker Scavo:
Where's daddy? I want to show him my dive.

Lynette Scavo:
He's not coming, why don't you show me?

[Parker walks toward the deeper end of the pool, looking sad and disappointed]

Mary Alice:
The trick is to keep moving forward, to let go of the fear and the regret that slow us down and keep us from enjoying a journey that will be over too soon. Yes, there will be unexpected bends in the road, shocking surprises we didn't see coming... but that's really the point, don't you think?

Mary Alice:
The trick is to keep moving forward, to let go of the fear and the regret that slow us down and keep us from enjoying a journey that will be over too soon. Yes, there will be unexpected bends in the road, shocking suprises we didn't see coming... but that's really the point, don't you think?

Tom Scavo:
[Tom and Lynette are having dinner with Gabby and Carlos Tom has just found out Carlos saw Lynette naked after she tripped and fell in the shower] What's going on here?

Gabrielle Solis:
Lynette was taking a shower and Carlos came by to drive her to work she tripped and fell and he helped her.

Lynette Scavo:
You told her? I asked you no to.

Carlos Solis:
She's my wife I tell her everything.

Tom Scavo:
Well you hear that Lynette? They tell each other everything, that way they know that they're not hiding anything.

Lynette Scavo:
I was just afraid you'd overreact! Like you're doing right now.

Tom Scavo:
Full disclosure Lynette! That's what a marriage is about!

Gabrielle Solis:
So I guess you disclosed your little "friendship" with Patty Rizzo?

Lynette Scavo:
What little friendship?

Tom Scavo:
You know what I think this is gorgenzola.

Lynette Scavo:
Tom?

Tom Scavo:
Patty gave me a ride home and for some reason Gabby's making a big deal about it.

Lynette Scavo:
Because it's Patty Rizzo, she's a total slut. You should be on antibiotics just for sitting in her car!

Gabrielle Solis:
Exactly!

Carlos Solis:
Stay out of this Gabby you've done enough damage!

Gabrielle Solis:
Hey don't snap at me! Lynette's my friend and I was just watching her back!

Tom Scavo:
While your husband was watching her back!

Lynette Scavo:
Drop it Tom! We'll continue this at home!

Gabrielle Solis:
If you have a shower at the office, how come you come home smelling so bad?

Carlos Solis:
I don't know... Why does lamb tat like sawdust?

Lynette Scavo:
What's that look on your face? You didn't eat dairy again did you?

Tom Scavo:
No I've been working out!

Lynette Scavo:
Oh.

Tom Scavo:
If you're good I'll let you cut the feel

Lynette Scavo:
That's ok I can see it from here. It's "thrilling"

Tom Scavo:
Wait you just took a shower, where?

Lynette Scavo:
At work.

Tom Scavo:
Didn't know you had a shower there.

Lynette Scavo:
I don't, Carlos does.

Tom Scavo:
So you went into Carlos' office stripped naked and took a shower?

Lynette Scavo:
No I went into Carlos' "bathroom" closed the door then stripped naked and took a shower.

Tom Scavo:
I'm not comfortable with this. What if he walked in?

Lynette Scavo:
Then maybe I'd get that raise I've been asking for.

Tom Scavo:
This isn't funny. You already spend 16 hours a day with the guy and now I find out that some of those hours you are naked and wet!

Lynette Scavo:
Hours? It was two minutes. It's not like I'm lighting candles and playing Berry White.

Tom Scavo:
I don't care I want it to stop.

Lynette Scavo:
Fine... I should've just had sex I'd be asleep by now.

Mike Delfino:
Why are you mopping the roof?

Susan Mayer:
I was cooking, alright?

Mike Delfino:
Lids Susan. You really gotta start using lids.

Susan Mayer:
Sometimes it's the stoves fault.

M.J. Delfino:
Daddy!

Mike Delfino:
Hey buddy, hey are you hungry?

M.J. Delfino:
No mummy made spaghetti! [points at the ceiling]

Susan Mayer:
[Susan thinks that Dave is suicidal] I will be back after work, to check on you. But until then here's the phone, in case you wanna order chinese, or call a hotline or something.

Lynette Scavo:
So I wanna hear more about the garden club. Tom says he's meeting all kinds of nice people

Gabrielle Solis:
Really? Any favourites Tom?

Tom Scavo:
They're all great gals. One's sorta a pain in the ass. Other than her, having a great time!

Gabrielle Solis:
All though I keep telling Tom how dangerous gardens can be everywhere you step there are shovels and rakes and "hoes".

[first lines]

Mary Alice Young:
Suburbia is a battleground, an arena for all forms of domestic combat. Husbands clash with wives, parents cross swords with children, but the bloodiest battles often involve women and their mothers-in-law.

Gabrielle Solis:
Thank you, Yoa Lin

Juanita Solis:
I don't see why you have her

Gabrielle Solis:
It's a big house. I need help.

Juanita Solis:
It's only called help when you do some of the work yourself.

Gabrielle Solis:
I supervise.

Juanita Solis:
You pay her $300 a week. That's $15,000 a year. Carlos, you always say how you're not putting enough away for retirement!

Carlos Solis:
You know, baby, if would be a good idea if we cut back on expenses.

Gabrielle Solis:
You expect me to take care of this place all by myself?

Carlos Solis:
Other women manage...

Carlos Solis:
Mmmmm... that's nice...

Gabrielle Solis:
You like that?

Carlos Solis:
Oh yeah.

Gabrielle Solis:
God, I'm gonna miss this, Carlos.

Carlos Solis:
What do you mean?

Gabrielle Solis:
Well, since, I'm gonna have to be doing the cooking, and the cleaning, and all the shopping, like the other wives...

Carlos Solis:
Mmmm hmmm

Gabrielle Solis:
I'm going to be exhausted at night, just like all the other wives, til I build up my stamina, of course, but that might take a couple of years.

Susan Mayer:
Hey Paul

Paul Young:
Hi Susan

Susan Mayer:
I got to say, I was a little surprised to see Mary Alice's award for sale. She got it for doing charity work, from the Chamber of Commerce.

Paul Young:
Zach and I are moving. We don't need to carry any more with us than is absolutely necessary.

Susan Mayer:
That makes sense. Still, I just want to make sure you didnt want to keep it, for Zach, something to remember his mother by.

Paul Young:
Zach doesn't need a piece of glass to remember his mother. I'm out of newspaper. Here, let's call it ten bucks for everything.

Susan Mayer:
Great. Speaking of Zach, I haven't seen him around lately.

Paul Young:
He's been a bit depressed. I thought he could use a change of scenery, so I sent him to stay with relatives.

Susan Mayer:
Oh, which ones?

Paul Young:
You don't know them.

Susan Mayer:
So, how'd you get the fat lip?

Paul Young:
The usual way. Asking too many questions.

Gabrielle Solis:
Did you find out where Zach is?

Susan Mayer:
No, but I can tell you this much. He's not staying with relatives.

Lynette Scavo:
I'm not surprised that he's playing it close to the vest. Paul knows we're on to him.

Bree Van De Kamp:
Zach said Mary Alice killed herself because of something that he had done, something bad. Is there anyone else who'd know what he was talking about?

Susan Mayer:
No. That's why we have to find him. It's the only way we'll know the truth.

Bree Van De Kamp:
It just doesn't make any sense. Zach is such a sweet kid. I can't imagine him doing anything that terrible.

Gabrielle Solis:
Well, he did break into your house. I mean, the kid is obviously troubled in some way.

[last lines]

Mary Alice Young:
The search for power begins when we're quite young. As children, we're taught that the power of good triumphs over the power of evil. But as we get older, we realize that nothing is ever that simple. Traces of evil always remain.

Bree:
Go pack up your sex factory, and I'll make you cookies!

Ed Ferrara:
So, the pig actually eats the bacon?

Tom Scavo:
Uh, huh, yeah.

Ed Ferrara:
I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme.

Lynette Scavo:
Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night. You know the one where people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret.

Ed Ferrara:
What like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?

Tom Scavo:
More like my college fraternity, where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys.

Ed Ferrara:
You were Greek?

Tom Scavo:
Alpha Tau Omega.

Ed Ferrara:
I was Phi Kap.

Tom Scavo:
You?

Ed Ferrara:
And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge ATO.

Tom Scavo:
Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied to a freeway sign.

Ed Ferrara:
Scavo, if you were my pledge, I would've made you my b*tch.

Carlos:
What, so you don't get what you want, you just walk off and pout?

Gabrielle:
Oh, this isn't about me. This is about our great nation, and I have no intention of statisfying a man who isn't willing to stand up for and help spread the ideas and values of the United States of America.

Carlos:
Maybe I should go over and say something to Edie...

Gabrielle:
What? Rot in hell you maggot-y whore!

Bree:
Don't you dare try to turn our son into an intellectual!

Bree:
Danielle! How was school.

Danielle:
It was okay.

Bree:
Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?

[last lines]

Mary Alice Young:
People are complicated creatures. On the one hand, able to perform great acts of charity. On the other, capable of the most underhanded forms of betrayal. It's a constant battle that rages within all of us - between the better angels of our nature and the temptation of our inner demons. And, sometimes, the only way to ward off the darkness... is to shine the light of compassion.

Gabrielle Solis:
[to Susan] They took him away in handcuffs. [sobs]

[first lines]

Mary Alice Young:
Gabrielle was waiting for her next great idea. Her first great idea came when she was 15 after her stepfather paid her a late-night visit. She bought a bus ticket to New York the very next day. Her next occurred five years later when she decided to seduce a famous fashion photographer. One week later, she began her career as a runway model, which soon led to her next great idea - her decision to marry Carlos Solis. Before she knew it, she had jumped off the runway and moved to the suburbs. Her most recent great idea was borne out of her boredom with her new life. That's how she came to start an affair with her teenage gardener, which was cut short by a tragic accident. So, once again, Gabrielle was in need of a great idea.

Susan Mayer:
Gabrielle, he's in high school, and it's illegal and you're married. If Carlos found out, this would kill him.

Gabrielle Solis:
It's just sex. [whispers] It's totally harmless.

Susan Mayer:
How could you call something like this harmless? After everything you know about what I went through with Carl?

Gabrielle Solis:
This isn't about you.

Susan Mayer:
Yes, it is. It's about me, and about every other person who was screwed over by somebody they loved.

Gabrielle Solis:
Ugh.

Susan Mayer:
When Carl ran off with Brandi, you saw what a basket case I was. I was crying, I - I was tearing up his clothes, I couldn't get out of bed all day. You were right there. How could you do the same thing?

Gabrielle Solis:
Uh, how can you compare me to Carl? That's not fair. You have *no* idea what my life is like.

Susan Mayer:
Well, why don't you enlighten me? You are beautiful, you have more money than you can spend, and you have a husband who adores you.

Gabrielle Solis:
No, he doesn't adore me. He adores *having* me.

Susan Mayer:
That's a rationalization, and you know it.

Rex Van De Kamp:
[to his wife Bree] You know what? If you were my mom, I'd smoke pot, too!

Mike Delfino:
Where we close?

Edie Britt:
Honestly, we lived about fifteen feet from each other and you barely knew that I existed.

Mike Delfino:
Seriously?

Edie Britt:
It's true, I mean you weren't rude or anything. We'd wave or exchange hello's as we went to get our mail but you never really looked at me. Well, not really... I was just another neighbour to you.

Mike Delfino:
Well if we weren't friends then why are you here everyday helping me?

Edie Britt:
Because from the first moment I laid eyes on you, I sorta fell in love with you.

Mike Delfino:
Oh.

Edie Britt:
Yeah and I'm not telling you this because I expect anything so you can just relax, okay?

Mike Delfino:
Okay.

Edie Britt:
But when you do come back home and we do run into each other when we're getting our mail. I'd really appreciate it if you'd just look at me, that's all.

Parker Scavo:
How long will daddy be gone?

Lynette Scavo:
Well that sorta depends on daddy.

Porter Scavo:
Are you two mad at each other?

Lynette Scavo:
Yeah, a little, but that's okay. We still love each other very much, but like kids, sometimes grown-ups throw tantrums and need a time-out.

Preston Scavo:
Why can't he take a time-out in his room?

Lynette Scavo:
Cause he decided to take it in his pizza place.

Parker Scavo:
[Being cute, while petting his dog] No fair that sounds fun!

Lynette Scavo:
Not this pizza place, it's a rat hole. But once your dad comes to his senses and stops being petulant, he'll come home.

Porter Scavo:
What's petulant?

Lynette Scavo:
It means childish, stubborn, careless with my money and your future's.

Preston Scavo:
Huh?

Lynette Scavo:
It's a grown-up word, and when daddy comes home, he'll learn a new one: grovel!

Bree:
Well, I didn't wanna come here because I was afraid it would drudge up memories of my husband. This was our place. Rex passed away recently. He was, um, murdered by our pharmacist.

Frank:
Wow. I hope you changed pharmacists.

Bree:
I didn't have to. He committed suicide.

Carlos:
[about Gabrielle's mother] I think your hatred for her is clouding your judgment.

Gabrielle:
Maybe, but you don't know her like I do.

Carlos:
Okay. You ran away from home fifteen years ago. Did you ever think to talk to her about the stuff that happened between you and your step-dad?

Gabrielle:
It wouldn't have done any good.

Carlos:
How do you know that?

Gabrielle:
Because she knew exactly what was going on with Alejandro and she chose to look the other way.

Carlos:
But you never even gave her a chance to step up. You just ran away from home.

Gabrielle:
[in tears] Because if I did, then she, we, there was a chance she wouldn't have believed me, and, and that would've hurt a lot worse than anything he ever did to me.

Mike Delfino:
[to Susan when he comes home to discover that she wants to have sex with him for the 4th time that day] Oh, God... Susan, I can't. I got nothin' left! I hit my hand with a wrench today, and when I cried, only dust came out!

Susan Mayer:
When our babies go to college, we'll be like...

Bree Van De Kamp:
Dead?

Lynette:
I'm a ninja!

Lynette:
Kayla, I'm sorry how everything turned out.

Kayla Huntington:
No, you're not.

Lynette:
Okay then.

Bree:
Don't you dare throw your calligraphy skills in my face when you know I'm at a low point!

Parker Scavo:
Since when do you make waffles?

Lynette:
Well Kayla loves waffles, and since she and I have been having some problems lately, I'm doing something nice for her.

Mary Alice Young:
[Voice over] In names the labels we attach to people tell us everything we need to know. [as we see Susan paint Maynard's name on his nursery wall as Mike cradles the baby] If we say she's just a child does this mean she's truly innocent? [as we see Kayla ride in the back seat] Does calling her a drug dealer prove she's purely evil? [as we see Ellie wander the streets coat-less and crying] Will a man known as preacher always practice what he preaches [as we see the priest ponder in his study] Can a man branded a villain possess the qualities of a hero? [as we see Orson look at a picture of himself and Bree] The truth is a name can never really tell you who someone is [as we see Wayne throw water in the face of Adam who is tied to a chair]

Mary Alice Young:
Voice over: In names the labels we attach to people tell us everything we need to know. [as we see Susan paint Maynard's name on his nursery wall as Mike cradles the baby] If we say she's just a child does this mean she's truly innocent? [as we see Kayla ride in the back seat] Does calling her a drug dealer prove she's purely evil? [as we see Ellie wander the streets coat-less and crying] Will a man known as preacher always practice what he preaches [as we see the priest ponder in his study] Can a man branded a villain possess the qualities of a hero? [as we see Orson look at a picture of himself and Bree] The truth is a name can never really tell you who someone is [as we see Wayne throw water in the face of Adam who is tied to a chair]

Maisy Gibbons:
[jailed for prostitution, she declines Bree's offer of a deal] I'm not interested... But you do get credit for one thing: you came to visit me, even it was for an ulterior motive. None of the other girls from the Club even bothered. I've been abandoned. Guess that's what happens when you become the town whore.

Bree:
Oh, sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore, they abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with.

Edie Britt:
What the hell kind of street do we live on?

Carlos Solis:
[after Gaby told Carlos she assumed she had sex with Zach] I can't believe you bagged another neighbourhood kid!

Gabrielle Solis:
[Carlos walks away] Where are you going?

Carlos Solis:
To warn the Scavo boys!

Danielle Van De Kamp:
[shouting to Andrew] I liked you better when you were a psychopath!

Gabrielle Solis:
Susan, if you're not sure what Jessie ment by it, why don't you just talk to her?

Susan Mayer:
Oh, that would be way to awkward. She's my boss.

Lynette Scavo:
She's your boss? Let her kiss you again and then sue her!

Gabrielle Solis:
Okay, we're going to figure this out for you. Were her eyes open or shut?

Susan Mayer:
I don't know.

Gabrielle Solis:
Well, how many seconds did the kiss last?

Susan Mayer:
I don't remember.

Gabrielle Solis:
[frustrated] Oh, for God's sake, was it this?

[Gabrielle quickly smooches Susan on her lips]

Gabrielle Solis:
Or was it this?

[Gabrielle kisses Susan passionately for about three seconds]

Susan Mayer:
Uh... the second one.

Lynette Scavo:
Congratulations. You're now dating a lesbian.

Lee McDermott:
[snickers] See you at the parade.

Hector Ramos:
Your mail came.

Gabrielle Solis:
You said you were leaving.

Hector Ramos:
No, I said I was giving you space. I did. I was watching you from my car.

Gabrielle Solis:
Look, the guy who broke in stole ice cream. I don't think I'm in any danger. So you can go. I don't need you.

Hector Ramos:
Carlos says you do. Where are you going?

Gabrielle Solis:
Shopping. Not that it's any of your business.

Hector Ramos:
You sure like to shop.

Gabrielle Solis:
Yes, I do.

Hector Ramos:
That's all I've seen you do the past day and a half.

Gabrielle Solis:
Uh-huh.

Hector Ramos:
All that shopping must be making up for something.

Gabrielle Solis:
Excuse me?

Hector Ramos:
You know, Carlos has your number. He says you're one tough cookie. So tough, you don't have to deal with your feelings. He's a perceptive man.

Gabrielle Solis:
He thought I was cheating with two gay guys. Are you sure you want to go with perceptive?

Hector Ramos:
Well, let's see. It's been what, a week since you lost your baby?

Gabrielle Solis:
Yeah, so?

Hector Ramos:
So, I never heard of shopping out the pain.

Gabrielle Solis:
Why is everyone on my back about this? I will deal with my loss my way, okay?

Bree:
[after Andrew tells her he hates her] The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And if you hate me, that means you still care, and we're still connected... and I still have a chance to set you right.

Carlos:
Gaby, these pictures have to be wholesome. They gotta say 'these people will do a great job raising a child.

Gabrielle:
So?

Carlos:
So, you're topless.

Gabrielle:
Yeah, but it's St. Barts and your hands are covering my naughty parts.

Carlos:
Do you mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot, or the one that's holding the Cuban cigar?

Gabrielle:
Yeah, that was a good trip.

Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel:
Time to check your blood pressure.

Susan:
Oh, sure. Oh, that's a little tight. Does it have to be that tight?

Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel:
Yes.

Susan:
Oh. Okay. Ow, ow. That's actually starting to be painful.

Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel:
Really? That surprises me. I just assumed you were dead inside.

Bree:
Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered.

Bree:
Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me here for another year. Why not just let me go?

Bree:
Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are not half the man I know you can be.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get.

Bree:
If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both.

[after Andrew pushes Bree, Rex grabs him and throws him into the wall]

Rex:
If you ever touch your mother like that again, I will throw you right through this wall! You hear me?

[Alisa Stevens is a deaf woman]

Alisa Stevens:
Dennis left me.

Lynette:
What?

Soprano Singer:
[sings "Ave Maria" a cappella during the funeral procession of Juanita Solis]

Lynette:
What a voice.

Bree Van De Kamp:
You have to hand it to the Catholics. They do grief better than anyone.

[last lines]

Mary Alice Young:
We all honor heroes for different reasons - sometimes for their daring, sometimes for their bravery, sometimes for their goodness. But, mostly, we honor heroes because, at one point or another, we all dream of being rescued. Of course, if the right hero doesn't come along, sometimes we just have to rescue ourselves.

Katherine Mayfair:
[to Bree] I have a job. No kids to raise, no husband, no boyfriend.

Orson Hodge:
They got him for organ trafficking.

Bree Hodge:
What?

Katherine Mayfair:
I tell you if I'm not careful this guy could steal my heart.

Bree Hodge:
Well if he tries you let me know.

[Porter finds out he's been flirting with his mother online, when she signs a 'Dear John' letter to him 'Love Mom']

[He comes down to where she is at her computer, he has a very sad and betrayed look on his face, and he places a book of poetry in front of her and walks away, leaving her looking ashamed]

Lynette Scavo:
[Porter is sitting at the table eating a sandwich] Hi, mind if I join you? [he ignores her] OK, I know what I did was unforgivable and I am not trying to make excuses, but we used to talk all the time, and then one day it just stopped, and it killed me. I felt like I lost you and then I was Sarah J and I had you back and we where talking again and you where telling me things.

Porter Scavo:
[Mad at her] I wasn't telling you anything, I was telling her.

Lynette Scavo:
[Porter looks sad] Well, for what it's worth, I loved our conversations and I'm going to miss them. [She walks off]

Porter Scavo:
[Whispers] Me too.

Tom Scavo:
[Lynette is sitting at her computer] What're you doing?

Lynette Scavo:
I'm just talking to Porter on Silverfizz.

Tom Scavo:
Who is Sarah J from MacArthur High School?

Lynette Scavo:
Me! I'm sixteen, cute, I like graphic novels and Tokyo Police Club.

Tom Scavo:
Oh my God! You're pretending to be somebody else!

Lynette Scavo:
Our brooding son has a classmate who got arrested for selling drugs, I really think the ends justify the means.

Tom Scavo:
We'll address you major ethical breach in a moment. What did you find out?

Lynette Scavo:
The good news is he really doesn't hang out with that guy, but I am a little worried about 'Anita47' who told him cherry fruit pops are an aphordesiac.

Tom Scavo:
OK, you got what you came for, you know who he hangs around with, now time to stop.

Lynette Scavo:
You're probably right, it's just, did you know Porter writes poetry?

Tom Scavo:
Seriously?

Lynette Scavo:
Yeah, our Porter, the kid who communicates with grunts and shrugs, writes this beautiful, heartwrenching poetry.

[Lynette, not satisfied with Porter's unwillingness to discuss a possible frienship with a drug dealer at school,enters Parker's room]

Lynette Scavo:
Hey Parker, can I ask you something? Just between us, does Porter hang out with Jimmy Kimrado?

Parker Scavo:
I don't know, I could check his friends list on Silverfizz.

Lynette Scavo:
His what on what?

Parker Scavo:
[logs on to Porter's page] It's like MySpace, you have a webpage. It shows your hobbies, your favorite music, and you can talk to people.

Lynette Scavo:
Really? Can anyone talk to him?

Parker Scavo:
Yeah, he just has to invite you.

Lynette Scavo:
And, uh, how would somebody make that happen?

[Parker looks at her curiously]

[Porter is listening to music on his headphones, when Lynette walks into his room, he removes them]

Lynette Scavo:
Hey, got a sec?

Porter Scavo:
Not really.

Lynette Scavo:
So, I assume you know what happened to Jimmy Kimrado?

Porter Scavo:
I guess.

Lynette Scavo:
Your friend gets busted for dealing drugs at school and all you have to say is 'I guess'?

Porter Scavo:
He's not my friend. [implying that he doesn't associate with people who sell drugs]

Lynette Scavo:
What are you talking about, you where on the same little league team?

Porter Scavo:
Yeah, a million years ago, anything else?

Lynette Scavo:
No, not really.

Tom Scavo:
You told a teenage boy you liked his poetry? Geez Lynette why not just flash him a boob?

Lynette Scavo:
shh he'll here you...

Tom Scavo:
So what are you gonna do? are you gonna tell him the truth now or are you gonna wait until after he kills me and blinds himself?

Tom Scavo:
Dear Porter really like you but I wanna see other offspring...

Lynette Scavo:
Go away...

Lynette Scavo:
Tom don't you dare!

Tom Scavo:
Hey one of us needs to live to take care of the other ones!

Orson Hodge:
[about Andrew] He's here, he's queer, and we're used to it!

Bree:
[Bree is trying to set Andrew up with their contractor, hinting at him] Oh yes, he just broke up with his life partner, TODD... who he was GAY WITH.

Bree:
We need to find someone who's bad at gay math!

Orson Hodge:
He's here, he's queer and we're ok with it!

Katherine Mayfair:
What are you still doing here? I thought you found a motel room.

Adam Mayfair:
I did, but I wanted to set something straight before I go. I'm not leaving before you want me to, I'm leaving because I'm walking out on you.

Katherine Mayfair:
Oh, is that how we're gonna play this? Fine, whatever, you're leaving me.

Adam Mayfair:
I am, and here's why. You blamed what happened on your ex-husband, and I believed you. You told me it was all his fault, and then I find out it was yours. We are about even in the betrayal department now. In fact, I think you win.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Mom, I'm gonna take these bowls to the kitchen...

Bree:
Oh! thanks, dear.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
With you... What are you doing?

Bree:
Oh, I'm trying to stay out of the way of all the sparks that are flying...

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Sparks? The man is twice my age.

Bree:
Yes, but he's also... he's got a great sense of... OK, do you know how hard it is to get a good contractor?

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Oh my God.

Bree:
And poor Walter just had his heart broken, so if it takes you being nice to hime to have our house fixed...

Andrew Van De Kamp:
You're pimping me out for a new roof?

Bree:
And windows... and I'm not pimping you out, I'm simply asking you to show some kindness to a lonely man who happens to be an excellent roofer.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Look, if by kindness you mean sex...

Bree:
Watch your mouth, I would never suggest that. You can raise a man's hopes without satisfying them, I've done it all my life. Andrew, I have got to get back into my house, and you're my only hope.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
Fine, for you I'll flirt, I'll flatter and I'll charm.

Bree:
Bless you...

Andrew Van De Kamp:
And in exchange... I expect a 60-inch flat-screen TV.

Bree:
Fine. And if you can get him to come on time and under budget, I'll throw in surround sound.

[Parker walks in while Lynette and Mrs. McCluskey ar cleaning up Ida Greenburg's things]

Parker Scavo:
Daddy said you where over here, can I help?

Lynette Scavo:
[kisses him on the head] Ohh, mwa, mwa, mwa! You realise we're cleaning, right? We're not eating candy.

Karen McCluskey:
That's sweet Parker, but we've got everything under control here if you wanna go play.

Parker Scavo:
No, I wanna do something nice for Mrs. Greenburg. She sorta saved my life.

Lynette Scavo:
What do you mean?

Parker Scavo:
When the house was shaking and daddy was passed out by his asthma Mrs. Greenburg made us all go under the stairs.

Lynette Scavo:
But that's not where they found her.

Parker Scavo:
Yeah, there wasn't enough room for her. She said she be okay in the corner!

Karen McCluskey:
Uh, Parker you wanna help? Ida has some ice cream in the freezer that needs eating before it goes bad.

Susan Mayer:
Getting married is scary, but at least we'll be doing it together.

Gabrielle Solis:
Oh my God! We should totally do that!

Susan Mayer:
What?

Gabrielle Solis:
Get married! Together!

Susan Mayer:
You and me? Well... I'm beyond flattered. I find you to be an incredibly attractive woman. I just...

Gabrielle Solis:
No, stupid! I mean a double wedding!

Susan Mayer:
Oh... Oh! I would love that!

Gabrielle Solis:
I know! Then you wouldn't be mad, and I wouldn't feel guilty.

Susan Mayer:
And we could be brides together!

Gabrielle Solis:
Together! Let's celebrate! More chocolate! And, just you know, if I was a lesbian, I'd totally do you.

Susan Mayer:
That's good to know.

Susan Mayer:
Marriage is like these bonbons. You never know what you're getting until you're right in the middle of it.

[Susan breaks open one bonbon chocolate]

Susan Mayer:
[gasps] It's one of those hard jelly ones. Do you think that's an omen?

[Lynette and Tom aren't talking at all at breakfast]

Parker Scavo:
Are you mad at daddy?

Lynette Scavo:
No. Why would you think that?

Parker Scavo:
Cause you're not talking to him.

Lynette Scavo:
Well you know two people who have known each other as long as mommy and daddy ahve, they don't have to always talk, in fact a sign of a good relationship is being comfortable in silence.

Tom Scavo:
That's true, although mommy ignoring me last night at work wasn't exactly what I call comfortable.

Lynette Scavo:
Well daddy probably didn't notice that I was unloading twenty-pound bags of flour cause he still can't lift them, so mommy didn't exactly have time to sit around and chew the fat.