Dirty Sexy Money

Juliet Darling:
I want to be a human being.

Letitia Darling:
You will be someday.

Brian Darling:
Why the hell is Nick George coming over? This is the worst idea in the history of the western world.

Lisa George:
[about the Darlings] Please, God, tell me we'll never have to see these people again.

Nick George:
Done.

Rev. Brian Darling:
This is Nick George, our family lawyer. You better do what he says, or else... Or else you're gonna wake up tomorrow morning and find your tires slashed or something. It won't be good. I promise.

Nick George:
Where the hell are you going?

Rev. Brian Darling:
I have to go to a baptism.

Journalist:
The rumor is you can't act at all.

Juliet:
Well, you're poor!

Juliet Darling:
[to the journalists] I never want to be blind, but playing blind is really fun.

Juliet Darling:
I can't throw a party for $500,000!

Jeremy Darling:
Well, neither can I. Nick, what about economies of scale?

Nick George:
Do you even know what that means?

Jeremy Darling:
No, but you know what I think I mean and that's what matters.

Mei Ling:
What's the matter?

Brian, Jr.:
I need to tell you something.

Mei Ling:
Well, whatever it is you can tell me.

Brian, Jr.:
I don't want to go to hell.

Mei Ling:
I don't think there are many children in hell, Gustav.

Brian, Jr.:
Yeah... about that... My name's not Gustav.

Mei Ling:
No? What is it?

Brian, Jr.:
Brian... Brian Jr.

Mei Ling:
Is my husband your daddy?

Brian, Jr.:
[nods yes]

Simon Elder:
There are lots of ways to lose your life, Nick - all at once, or one day at a time.

Andrea Smithson:
Brian, that first day that I met you at church, you sat and talked with me for hours about faith and solace.

Rev. Brian Darling:
Yeah, so what about it.

Andrea Smithson:
So *you* are the one who taught me to bring my problems in life to God. Have you thought about doing that?

Mr. Mitchell:
Is it true you forced Brian Jr. to lie to your wife and pretend he was a Swedish orphan whose parents died in a car accident?

Rev. Brian Darling:
No.

Mr. Mitchell:
No?

Rev. Brian Darling:
It was a bullet train accident, not a car. Get your facts straight.

Brian Darling:
[to Andrea] I'll give you one million dollars to get up and walk out of here right now.

Mr. Mitchell:
Excuse me?

Nick George:
Hey, that's not what we're here to do, Brian. Let me finish.

Brian Darling:
Two million.

Andrea Smithson:
Are you trying to *buy* my son?

Brian Darling:
I'm trying to buy *our* son.

Nick George:
Nobody is buying anybody.

Mr. Mitchell:
This is ridiculous. We're leaving.

Brian Darling:
Three million! We both know it's all about the money with you anyway.

Andrea Smithson:
Now I remember why it didn't work with us. You are not a human being.

Andrea:
I changed my mind, Brian. I'm gonna do the trial.

Brian:
Since when?

Andrea:
Since tonight. After that dinner, I realized there is *no way* I can leave my son alone with you and your family. [she kisses him] I actually *have* to live.

Brian:
[as Lisa and Karen are about to fight] *Now* it's family night.

Lisa George:
[to Karen] Oh, honey, I'll kick your ass if I can find it!

Lisa:
Karen. Walk away.

Karen:
Sweetie, if I do that, he's just gonna look at my ass.

[Juliet tries on sunglasses while Jeremy is distracted by Natalie]

Juliet Darling:
What do you think of these?

Jeremy Darling:
Transplendent.

Juliet Darling:
What about these?

Jeremy Darling:
Even better. Maximum.

Juliet Darling:
You don't think they're too big?

Jeremy Darling:
Well... you look a little like a fly. But that's ok, bugs are cool.

[Juliet spots Natalie glancing over]

Juliet Darling:
I can't concentrate!

Jeremy Darling:
Maybe they're prescription.

Andrea:
Just for the record, you're brother is not exactly a fair arbitrator.

Nick:
I'm not partial to Brian.

Brian:
Yeah, well, back at you, boss.

[Brian and Andrea give to a policeman the description of Brian Jr., who's missing]

Brian:
Um, he's about 4 foot tall, he has a face like a smurf.

Andrea:
Here's a recent picture, and he's 4 foot 2, exactly.

Brian:
And, uh, she's the one who lost him.

Brian:
Nice work. You've created a situation where our son has had to hire a lawyer.

Andrea:
Oh, *I* created?

Brian:
What did I just say?

Andrea:
You are the one who kidnapped him.

Brian:
Say kidnapped again...

Andrea:
Kidnapped!

Brian:
[yelling] Why do you deliberately provoke me? I just said don't say kidnapped again, and you say it!

Andrea:
You kidnapped our son!

Brian:
Andrea, our son stowed away on my jet. I had nothing to do with it!

Andrea:
You planted the idea in his head!

Brian:
The pygmy has a mind of his own, and, let's face it, unlike you is smart enough to realize he'd be better off here, with me!

Brian, Jr.:
I want to be with both of you. That's why I stowed away and that's why I called Nick.

Chase Alexander:
You know, you sounded a lot like Tripp Darling back there Nick; you must be so proud.

Tripp:
[drunk] Brian, what a wonderful wedding sermon, so much humanity, so much hope. There really is such a kind person buried deep down inside you. Deep, deep down! Inside you... somewhere?

Brian:
Thanks dad.

Letitia:
Karen Darling, you are not going out there and announcing your divorce during your wedding.

Karen:
Of course, not. I would never ruin a party.

Nick:
Karen, you've been married for less than an hour. Is it possible?

Karen:
I can tell when these things won't work out, Nick. I'm a pro.

Freddy:
I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. [joyfully laughs]

Karen:
[uncomfortably laughing] Oh, I, er, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you too baby. Forever?

Master of ceremony:
[as the elevator doors open up] Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you, Mr and Mrs Freddy Mason.

Karen:
[whispering to Nick] I want a divorce. Now!

Brian:
Why'd you even come back here?

Andrea:
To see my son! And you... maybe... a little...

Brian:
[as he goes in to kiss her] Oh crap.