Doctor Doctor

Roxanne Abrams:
You call yourself a heart surgeon? Let me tell you Harold Strattford, you don't know the first thing about the way a heart really works.

Dr. Mike Stratford:
Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!

Dr. Mike Stratford:
Personally, I think "Waiting for Godot" works as a musical. [singing] "It's almost like being... and nothingness."

Dr. Mike Stratford:
If I want slick, pre-packaged entertainment I'll wear a condom.

[Mike Stratford and his brother Richard enter Dr. Mike's office where their mother is working on paperwork]

Dr. Mike Stratford:
Mom!

Richard Stratford:
Mom!

Connie Stratford:
Son! Son!

Dr. Mike Stratford:
[flapping his arms] Caw! Caw!

Richard Stratford:
Mike! Dad called me!

Dr. Mike Stratford:
Called you what?

Richard Stratford:
[annoyed] On the phone!

Dr. Mike Stratford:
[playing a cello like a guitar, and singing] Day by day... day by day... Oh, dear Lord... my brother's gay.

Dr. Mike Stratford:
I'm going to have to bring you in for some tests, Bill.

Bill Murtagh:
What kind of tests?

Dr. Mike Stratford:
Ah, routine stuff. Pap smear, mammography... spelling. Unfortunately, in the spelling bid, you're going to be going up against some Korean kids.

Dr. Mike Stratford:
You were married? Inquiring minds want to know!

Dierdre:
For about five minutes when I was interning, I married a nurse.

Dr. Mike Stratford:
Male or female?

Dierdre:
A little of both; that was the problem.

Bill Murtagh:
[Dr. Mike tries to get Bill Murtagh to come in for tests, giving him his business card with the practice's address] You expect me to come HERE?

Dr. Mike Stratford:
What's going on?

Bill Murtagh:
My daughter works here.

Dr. Mike Stratford:
Is she one of our nurses?

Peggy Murtagh:
One of your doctors.

Dr. Mike Stratford:
Dierdre?

[pronouncing it "deer-dree"]

Peggy Murtagh:
Dierdre!

[pronouncing it "deer-drah"]

Bill Murtagh:
Show him the door, Peggy.

Dr. Mike Stratford:
I know what a door is!

[turns back to front entrance, looking uncertainly between door and windows]

Dr. Grant Linowitz:
Your brother's gay, right?

Doctor Mike Stratford:
Yeah.

Dr. Grant Linowitz:
Well, what's that like?

Doctor Mike Stratford:
Gee, I don't know, Grant. Why don'tcha sleep with him and find out?

Richard Stratford:
You know, Grant, I look at you and I see a friend. You look at me, and all you see is a fag.

Doctor Mike Stratford:
[while attempting to make a quick exit from Mike's office, Grant inadvertently walks into his closet and closes the door. Mike opens the door] Grant... come out of the closet.