Even Stevens

Principal Wexler:
Holy Bundt Cakes.

Louis Stevens:
I am making a quality cucumber shake here.

Ren Stevens:
Not on my time.

Steve Stevens:
It's my fault too.

Donnie Stevens:
I'm part to blame.

Louis Stevens:
There's only one bad egg here and that's me.

Beans:
Jeepers, that's a scary story.

Louis Stevens:
And now, Beans, as always, I gonna have to throw you OUT.

Tom Gribalski:
Let's make this quick, guys. I have to get my eyes examined.

Louis Stevens:
Your eyes examin - Tom, how many fingers am I holding up?

Tom Gribalski:
Two.

Louis Stevens:
That's right, your eyes are fine.

Principal Conrad Wexler:
Today, we're giving people eye exams.

Donnie Stevens:
Oh, could you check mine? Because everytime I look into the sun, I squint.

Ren Stevens:
[watching a horror movie] What? Honey, you're chased by six mutants, and you just decided to take a shower?

Ren Stevens:
[to Louis] This why I hate this holiday! Because it gives jerks like you an excuse to be jerks like you!

Ren Stevens:
And your little penguin get-up... It's not gonna scare anybody.

Louis Stevens:
[Donnie comes in] Oh, really? NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NAH!

Donnie Stevens:
AAAAAAAHHH! PENGUIN! [jumps over the stairs handrail and runs off]

Tom Gribalski:
Greetings, fellas! What's the word?

Louis Stevens:
The word is "tardy", Tom.

Tom Gribalski:
[earlier, after his eye examination] I suddenly got quite the hang of the mood juice. It's an excellent source of calcium for overall skeletal health.

Tawny Dean:
[after her eye examination] Milk is not stupid, okay? It's an excellent source of calcium for overall skeletal health.

Louis Stevens:
Where have I heard that before.

Tom Gribalski:
[earlier, after his eye examination] If something like that went down on our permanent record, it would follow us for the rest of our lives.

Tawny Dean:
[earlier, after her eye examination] Do you realize that if something like that went down on our permanent record, it would follow us for the rest of our lives?

Alan Twitty:
Milk is an excellent source of calcium for overall skeletal health, Louis.

Louis Stevens:
Dude, if you guys start talking about my permanent record, I'm outta here.

Alan Twitty:
Well, it does follow you for the rest of your life.

Louis Stevens:
Did that eye test mess with your brains? Wait a minute... What happened to you guys in there?

Tawny Dean, Alan Twitty:
[speaking identically] Nothing. We're perfectly fine.

Donnie Stevens:
Sorry we're late.

Eileen Stevens:
It's kind of hard to see when you don't have your eyeballs.

Beans:
Wait. Stop. I, I can't take it, I'm just a little kid.

Ren Stevens:
Oh, great! See what you did? Now we're stuck!

Louis Stevens:
We're not stuck.

Speaker:
Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to inform you, but you're stuck!

Ren Stevens:
How long are we gonna be up here?

Louis Stevens:
Relax, enjoy the view, Ren. I mean, we've got cotton candy, we've got soda... [a bird flies over them and takes the candy] We've got soda.

Louis Stevens:
[flashback] Hey. [Tawny doesn't answer] I like your look. It's very, uh... uh, black.

Tawny Dean:
An explanation of my fashion choices would be wasted on you, since I'm sure your mommy still picks out your clothes.

Louis Stevens:
My mother's dead.

Tawny Dean:
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

Louis Stevens:
[laughs] Just kidding. Actually, she does buy my clothes. Unfortunately, she's blind.

Tawny Dean:
Let me guess: just kidding.

Louis Stevens:
Bingo! [puts a spoon with rice on his nose] Do I have food on my face?

Tawny Dean:
Is that supposed to be funny?

Louis Stevens:
[disappointed] No.

Larry Beale:
Yo, Stevens! What's his first name?

Louis Stevens:
[to Tawny] Sorry, popularity calls. But you should know... the meaner you are to me, the more I like you. Scary, isn't it? [smile and walks away]

Louis Stevens:
[flashback] Hey, Wednesday Addams, how's it going?

Tawny Dean:
My name is Tawny, okay?

Louis Stevens:
[flashback] Listen. I know we barely know each other. But my mom and I were talking about you a few nights ago. She says that you like me.

Tawny Dean:
Yeah, right.

Louis Stevens:
Oh, I know, I told her how you gave me mean looks and how you tried to avoid me, and she said that's just what girls do sometimes. So Mom's wrong, huh?

Tawny Dean:
Very.

Louis Stevens:
So, I'm a dork, that's okay. Look, my sister's in way over her head, and I just, you know... wanted to know if you would help me. As a friend.

Ren Stevens:
[flashback, reading from Louis' script, unknowingly] It was Sir Francis Bacon who said knowledge is the ultimate power, but clearly Bacon never experienced the power of Larry Beale's body odor. [the audience laughs. Ren stops for a minute]

Tawny Dean:
Keep reading.

Ren Stevens:
[laughs nervously] It's true! In fact, last week a Realtor told Larry's parents that his b.o. was affecting the resale value of their house. [the audience laughs again] But it's really not my style, and personally attack my opponent, so if you'll turn your attention to the weasel at my right, I'd like to talk about the cafeteria food, and the ill affects of pornitritian. [shows a picture of a sumo wrestler with Larry Beale's head. Everybody laughs, even the principal] Larry Beale's G.P.A. has been dropping, well, since the third grade! [Louis and Tawny laughs loudly from behind her, as does the audience in the front] Question: do I want an irresponsible student policy monitor? I didn't think so! [the audience claps ecstatically]

Louis Stevens:
Ren... You said if I wanted to borrow something, I had to ask. Right? So, can I borrow your laptop?

Ren Stevens:
[asleep] Mm.

Louis Stevens:
Hmm. Are you sure?

Ren Stevens:
M-mm.

Louis Stevens:
Oh yeah? Thanks, Ren.

Louis Stevens:
Oh, you must get this all the time, but you know who you look like? You look a lot like that Ren Stevens.

Ren Stevens:
Louis...

Louis Stevens:
Oh, this... This is unbelievable! You sound like her too!

Tawny Dean:
Okay! I'll do it if you... hop on one foot, pat your left hand on your head and rub your stomach with the other.

Louis Stevens:
Pat... Rub stomach... Okay.

[does it]

Louis Stevens:
Hey, is this good?

Tawny Dean:
I cannot possibly babysit with someone that looks that lame.

Louis Stevens:
What do you mean?

Louis Stevens:
We've got Doritos, Cheetos and basically the whole family of -itos.

Louis Stevens:
Now, Milton, listen to me... Okay? If you finish your dinner, I'll read you a story. Don't worry... [Milton throws his milk in his and Tawny's faces]

Tawny Dean:
About a boy who wouldn't gonna see the age of four.

Louis Stevens:
Business, headquarters... Sounds like somebody's got a lot of responsibility, huh, Ren?

Ren Stevens:
[unenthusiastic] Oh, yeah. Louis brought me a sweater. He's really responsible.

Louis Stevens:
Stop it, Ren. Mom's gonna think I paid you to say that.

Eileen Stevens:
Nice try, Louis, but you're still not babysitting alone.

Louis Stevens:
Alone! Of course not. No! The kid'll be there. And Tawny will be there too, and she's 13, Mom. And two 13-year-olds is really like a 26-year old. And they're really responsible.

Tawny Dean:
Wow... THX, high definition, Dolby surround sound... It's... it's like it gives life more meaning.

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, I know, Tawny, I know. Now, nothing can come between us and digital heaven! [Milton passes gas and laughs]

Tawny Dean:
It's for you.

Principal Conrad Wexler:
[to Louis] For your information, there's only one X in Wexler.

Louis Stevens:
You've been my sister basically all my life, right?

Ren Stevens:
That's just brilliant, Louis. What's your point?

Louis Stevens:
Did you ever... Do you wanna be normal?

Ren Stevens:
Normal? What do you mean, normal?

Louis Stevens:
Well, you always try to be perfect and everything.

Ren Stevens:
What's wrong with being perfect?

Louis Stevens:
It's not normal.

Louis Stevens:
Jiminy H. Crickets III Jr...

Louis Stevens:
What's living if you never pull your shorts down and slide on the ice, Ren?

Louis Stevens:
Beans is like that policeman in Terminator 2, you know who I'm talking about? I swear, he goes liquid. He can fit through cracks in windows, under doors, through little keyholes!

Beans:
Artie, read my lips: Take a lesson!

Donnie Stevens:
[to Eileen and Steve] It's Louis and Ren! I think they're getting along. [in the rockumentary] It was the sweetest thing. I mean, I wanted to hug them, but I didn't wanna ruin my hair.

Louis Stevens:
Here's what we do. I think that we should throw a free concert. But not just any free concert. This free concert will be on the school roof.

Alan Twitty:
That is sweet! You know what, dude, that's not a bad idea. 'Cause the Beatles threw a free concert on the roof once.

Tawny Dean:
And so did U2!

Louis Stevens:
And now, the Twitty Stevens Connection.

Ren Stevens:
[in the rockumentary] Louis had this idea of throwing a free concert. And free publicity is a great idea, in theory. But, uh, doing it on the school roof...

Principal Conrad Wexler:
[in his office] Students on the roof? Strictly forbidden. Why do you ask?

Ren Stevens:
Uhm, just double checking the list of forbidden things.

Principal Conrad Wexler:
Tom, why are you filming this?

Louis Stevens:
What's up, guys.

Alan Twitty:
What's up, dude.

Louis Stevens:
Alright, so here's what I'm thinking. I think we should here really early, right, really early. Like before-school-starts early. Alright? We get our stuff, our equipment, and we send it up on the roof.

Alan Twitty:
Sweet. Hey, what if we were camouflaged?

Tawny Dean:
You know, Twitty, that is a brilliant idea. What if we dress up as giant metal vents to get in with the roof decor?

Alan Twitty:
Yeah, now that I hear it out loud, it does sound kind of stupid.

Alan Twitty:
[to Ren] Well, looks like your little brother is in deep trouble.

Tawny Dean:
Yeah, but you gotta admit... He's got guts.

Tawny Dean:
Best side of being Louis's friend? Well, it's never boring. Downside? [holding up a banana shell on her trash stick]

Ren Stevens:
I have never been in so much trouble before. But it was worth it.

Louis Stevens:
I'm giving her a lot of credit for stepping up. That was very cool. But don't tell her I...

Ren Stevens:
...said that. I would hate to admit that I actually had fun with Louis.

Ren Stevens:
Are you trying to bring down our house?

Louis Stevens:
That's the idea, Ren!

Louis Stevens:
[to Ren] My band is gonna BLOW your band out of the water!

Tawny Dean:
[later] Louis, you don't have a band.

Louis Stevens:
These little details are killing me.

Tawny Dean:
I feel like we're all just pawns in some kind of sick power struggle.

Tom Gribalski:
I agree! Not that I'm not enjoying it.

Jason Bagwell:
The vocal quality is fair, but Ren... You're trying so hard to impress me it's almost pathetic!

Louis Stevens:
Wait a second... My sister doesn't have to impress anybody, and she may be a bossy, overachieving bathroom hub, but my sister is a great singer.

Tawny Dean:
Who wants to play in your lame party anyways?

Jason Bagwell:
Well, obviously not the Louis Stevens Experience. You got straight zeros! And Louis! What kind of a doofus are you? That's not a band, that's a fire hazard!

Ren Stevens:
Back up! The only person that's allowed to call my brother a doofus, is me!

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, that's right, bad boy! And if I'm a doofus, I wanna hear it from her.

Ren Stevens:
You might look good on the beach, but you're just a pompeus, egoistical jerk.

Jason Bagwell:
I never went to the beach with you.

Ren Stevens:
And you never will!

Jason Bagwell:
I'm outta here.

Ren Stevens:
You know, I can't believe I almost had a crush on that guy?

Louis Stevens:
Pfff. Almost?

Beans:
I *hate* fish. They smell like fish.

Louis Stevens:
I see two-head people.

Beans:
I wanted you guys to meet my cousin.

Louis Stevens:
There's MORE of you?

Louis Stevens:
You were a lot of fun. But when I reached in to kiss you, I saw something.

Chris:
Stars? Fireworks?

Louis Stevens:
No, it was Beans.

Chris:
Beans was right. You're an amazing guy.

Louis Stevens:
Oh, I don't know about amazing. Spectacular, maybe.

Steve Stevens:
As a matter of fact, this probably is a good time as any tell you... I signed up as a parent volunteer at your school!

Ren Stevens:
What! Why?

Louis Stevens:
Are we being punished for something?

Louis Stevens:
You're not gonna embarrass us, are you, Dad?

Steve Stevens:
Well, that's probably unavoidable.

Tawny Dean:
What does this say to you?

Louis Stevens:
Looks like a... plea for tolerance and world peace.

Tawny Dean:
[excited] Yes! I can't believe you got that!

Louis Stevens:
Tawny, everything you do is a plea for tolerance and world peace.

Louis Stevens:
Allison walks by, and she gives me THE EYE.

Tawny Dean:
Wait, what... the eye? What does that mean?

Louis Stevens:
You know, the Eye? THE EYE?

Tawny Dean:
Allison! Could you clear something up for us? Uh, Louis seems to think that you've been, I don't know, checking him out?

Allison Wong:
I have! I like his look.

Tawny Dean:
[to Louis] Oh! Huh. What do you know? She likes your look.

Tawny Dean:
Louis!

Louis Stevens:
Yeah! Yeah, I'm sorry. You know what? You're right. This thing is too weird between me and Allison. I'm putting a stop to it now!

Tawny Dean:
Oh! Well, now is your chance! [walks away while Allison comes closer]

Allison Wong:
Hi, Louis.

Louis Stevens:
Allison. Good to see you. [shakes hands with her]

Allison Wong:
Good to see you too.

Louis Stevens:
Yeah.

Allison Wong:
Could you meet me in Templeton Park after school today...?

Louis Stevens:
[without hesitation] Sure!

Louis Stevens:
You know where Templeton Park is?

Tom Gribalski:
You mean... TEMPTATION PARK...!

Louis Stevens:
Why do they call it that?

Tom Gribalski:
Dude! Only because it's the hottest make out spot in town! That's why they call it... TEMPTATION PARK...!

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, I get it.

Alan Twitty:
Dude, what are you doing?

Louis Stevens:
Whoa! Twitty, stop, man! Me and Allison didn't do anything.

Alan Twitty:
Okay, so why are you running?

Louis Stevens:
'Cause you're chasing me, Twitty!

Dr. Henri LaGrange:
Hello! I'm Dr. Henri LeGrand. And welcome to "Look Smart - Be Smart!". The video that teaches you to appear intelligent.

Donnie Stevens:
Needo!

Dr. Henri LaGrange:
Are you tired of being an airhead?

Donnie Stevens:
Totally.

Dr. Henri LaGrange:
Do you want to be respected for your brain?

Donnie Stevens:
Yes.

Dr. Henri LaGrange:
Are you talking to the television right now?

Donnie Stevens:
[pauses] No.

Ren Stevens:
You were right about Cynthia. You know, that was very insightful of you.

Donnie Stevens:
[laughs nervously] That's like smart, right?

Ren Stevens:
Oh, very much.

Cynthia Mills:
Question number two: name the capital of Tasmania.

Beans:
Okay. How about George? That's my uncle's name!

Louis Stevens:
Some guy came for you Beans.

Beans:
I don't know him.

Louis Stevens:
I haven't even said his name yet.

Twitty:
Some guy was looking for you today, Beans.

Beans:
I've never heard of him.

Twitty:
Yeah, I didn't even say his name yet, buddy. But his name is Mason.

Beans:
I've never heard of *him* either.

Louis Stevens:
He said he knows about the Long Journey Home.

Beans:
I don't know what you're talking about. I have to go.

Beans:
Does "gassy" have two "S"'s or three?

Ren Stevens:
Louis, there's something weird going on with Beans.

Louis Stevens:
You think?

Ren Stevens:
Whatever it is, it's creeping me out.

Louis Stevens, Twitty:
It's creeping m...

Louis Stevens:
[pauses] That just creeped ME out.

Louis Stevens:
I thought I had it in my front pocket.

Ren Stevens:
You do. Your pants are on backwards! [Eileen and Steve looks at her] Which is a really styling look for you.

Louis Stevens:
So, then, I hand you the chocolate, you eat it, and then you say...

Alan Twitty:
It's a miracle... [looks down on his hand and continues unenthusiastically] I can see again.

Louis Stevens:
No, that's not what you say.

Alan Twitty:
No?

Louis Stevens:
No, it's not. Because you're blind, and now you can see. That's a miracle, you can see now! You gotta be energetic and pumped, right?

Alan Twitty:
Yeah.

Louis Stevens:
So, what did Mr. Randall say, you remember? He said: "You gotta make me feel the chocolate has changed your life." Right?

Alan Twitty:
Okay. [theatrically] IT'S A MIRACLE! [breaths uncontrollably and kneels with his hands thrown graciously up in the air] I CAN SEE AGAIN...

Louis Stevens:
No, that's too much, man.

Alan Twitty:
Who made you the boss?

Louis Stevens:
That's how it is, all the great duos! Batman, he rescues people, and Robin... Robin checks with Batman before he orders four hundred boxes of chocolate!

Tawny Dean:
Louis, hi, I didn't know you could ride a unicycle.

Louis Stevens:
I can't! [fall over]

Louis Stevens:
Do you wanna buy some chocolate?

Tawny Dean:
Forget it! I'm not buying from either of you!

Louis Stevens:
Why?

Tawny Dean:
Well, first of all, it tastes like dirt.

Wallace Randall:
Hey, is that my chocolate?

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, I thought we could move more of it in liquid form.

Louis Stevens:
Go ahead, call me any name you want.

Ren Stevens:
Louis, ask me that in 17 hours!

Steve Stevens:
[looking at the birds] I guess Mrs. Nuthatches are looking for a mate!

Ren Stevens:
[looking at Bobby and Mandy] Yep. That's what she's doing, already.

Louis Stevens:
Please take your seats. First of all, I just wanna thank you guys for coming on such short notice. I really appreciate it.

Tawny Dean:
What's going on? I mean, you paged me, like, ten times.

Louis Stevens:
As you may have heard, yesterday Mr. Twitty and I experienced what one would call a major dissay. Courtesy of seventh grader: Mr. Tom Gribalski.

Alan Twitty:
I feel violated.

Louis Stevens:
Friends just don't treat friends like that. We need to show this Mr. Gribalski that revenge is swift! And oh, so sweet.

Alan Twitty:
Sweet, Mr. Stevens, very sweet. Why are we using last names?

Louis Stevens:
[mumbling] I don't know.

Ren Stevens:
All right. I'm not lost, I'm not lost, I'm not lost, I'm not lost... I think I'm lost.

Ren Stevens:
[after falling down thirty feet] I think I broke a nail!

Louis Stevens:
Tom Gribalski, you just won the Distance Chess Championships! What are you gonna do now?

Tom Gribalski:
I'm gonna go get my windbreaker.

Tawny Dean:
Lumber-Lou, tell us again how you came up with the idea for the Lumberclub?

Louis Stevens:
Sure thing, Lumber-Tawn! Well, 'bout two weeks ago, when these kids were much younger, everyone was signing for clubs. Anyone could get 218 dollars to form a club, as long as they had 50 signatures. [on camp, to another student] Why don't you sign these papers for a good cause? [to the Lumberclub] Once I had those signatures, I thought for myself: "What kinda club should I create?" Well, that's when I remembered my deep and loyale love for the pancake. Well, the pancake has always been the official food for the Lumberjacks.

Alan Twitty:
I love that story.

Tawny Dean:
Here's a little one for Jack, guys.

Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty, Tom Gribalski:
Yeah. [uniting their hands]

Tawny Dean, Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty, Tom Gribalski:
LUMBERJACK! Woah!

Ren Stevens:
[in the background] I should've known you had something to do with this.

Ren Stevens:
So, what exactly do you do?

Louis Stevens:
Uh, the club? Oh! Pshh, all kind of stuff. Tons of stuff, to mention... I mean, we, uh... We talk about, you know... topics.

Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Tom Gribalski:
Topics!

Louis Stevens:
Lumberjack topics. And Lumberjack Lore!

Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Tom Gribalski:
The Lore!

Alan Twitty:
You gotta love the Lore!

Louis Stevens:
A lot of Lores. Uh... We sing Lumberjack songs too, you know.

Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Tom Gribalski:
Songs!

Ren Stevens:
Oh, songs!

Louis Stevens:
Yeah.

Ren Stevens:
Oh, really?

Louis Stevens:
Yep.

Ren Stevens:
You know, I would love to hear one.

Louis Stevens:
One of, uh... our songs?

Ren Stevens:
Yeah!

Louis Stevens:
Um... Twitty?

Alan Twitty:
Uh... Yeah! [sets his flute to his mouth. All the club members starts to sing with different lyrics and different tones]

Ren Stevens:
Stop! That had to be the worst Lumberjack song I've ever, EVER heard.

Tom Gribalski:
Sorry, I was a little bit off key there. I got some syrup down my throat.

Donnie Stevens:
Will you give Uncle Donnie a kiss? Ooh-ooh... Hey, man, for no lips, you kiss pretty good!

Ren Stevens:
You know, I hate to tell you this, but "kennard" is french for "duck".

Louis Stevens:
So?

Ren Stevens:
Seymour is going to be eaten for dinner.

Chef Pierre:
Rodney!

Louis Stevens:
No. No, you're not... I'm sorry. You have a better chance cooking me, bud.

Chef Pierre:
So that can be arranged?

Steve Stevens:
Good night, Ren.

Ren Stevens:
Good night, Donnie.

Donnie Stevens:
Good night, Mom.

Eileen Stevens:
Good night, Louis.

Louis Stevens:
Good night, Seymour. [the duck quacks]

Coach Tugnut:
[Louis arrives after bell rings] You're late, Stevens!

Louis Stevens:
Or is it possible that everyone else on Earth is early?

Coach Tugnut:
Oh, Stevens... You might wanna put some ice on those bruises.

Louis Stevens:
Sir, I... I don't have any bruises.

Coach Tugnut:
Not yet!

Mr. Winnick:
[Lenny lifts Louis and his desk up in the air] Mr. Cranepool, could you please put your classmate down? Gently.

Louis Stevens:
"Gently" being a key word.

Nelson Minkler:
That was great, Ren, you nailed that dirtball Tugnut!

Ren Stevens:
Nelson, we're still on the air.

Lenny Cranepool:
Louis! I need to talk to you.

Louis Stevens:
Listen, if I offended you in any way, I am sorry. And in fact, I'd like to pre-apologize for anything I may do in the future.

Alan Twitty:
Hey, are you okay?

Louis Stevens:
Have you ever felt the numb pains of guilt? You know, the ones that make you feel like a terrible person who doesn't deserve to live.

Alan Twitty:
No.

Louis Stevens:
Me neither. But this is the closest I've ever been.

Lenny Cranepool:
"Emotional" by Lenny Cranepool. "I wish you could see beyond my sights, to the person that lives inside. There is someone that sees the real me. His name is Louis, and you see... He never judge or laugh or try to hide. He just treated me like any other guy. I owe a lot to this true friend. I hope our friendship never ends. It really hurts being left out. If you have any doubt, try being me for just one day. And I'm sure you'll agree when I say: that being feared cuts like a knife; but one good friend could change a life."

Ren Stevens:
[enthusiastically] As this year's coordinator for the school wide fundraising drive for the Beacon of Help, I wanna encourage each and everyone of you to get involved. As I look upon my fellow students, I see your eager faces, faces don't afraid of sweat and hard work. [Louis is asleep]

Alan Twitty:
Do you want me to wake him?

Ren Stevens:
He's my brother. Let me do it. [walks toward Louis, who is dreaming about himself surfing while he eats a banana and having a bird flying over him]

Louis Stevens:
Ahh... Ahh... Oh... oh! Oh!

Ren Stevens:
[into his ear] Waaahh!

Ren Stevens:
Aaaaaaaahhh! [wakes up] I want naves and I'm not afraid to tango!

Ren Stevens:
As I was saying, this Saturday I want all of you here to jog, rollerblade, swim, paint fences, whatever you're gonna be doing, to get your friends and family to pledge generously. Now, remember: the more you work, the more you pledge. Any questions? [Louis raises his hand] Yes, Louis, you can go back to sleep now. [Louis dumps his head on his bag and falls asleep]

Louis Stevens:
Guys, check it out!

Alan Twitty:
Oh, dude, I can't wait! Funtatia is gonna be SO cool.

Louis Stevens:
I heard there was gonna be pizza, and tons of videogames and stuff.

Tawny Dean:
I heard they have virtual bowling.

Louis Stevens:
I heard that when they have virtual bowling, they have virtual bowling shoes.

Tawny Dean:
I hate that virtual nasty smell.

Louis Stevens:
So much like the virtual nachos!

Tawny Dean:
They make you virtually bloated. [Louis and Tawny laughs]

Alan Twitty:
Can you guys, uh... virtually... stop now?

Louis Stevens:
Guys... What if I found a way to help mankind without even getting out of my pyjamas?

Tawny Dean:
Are you okay? I can hear you screaming through the intercom.

Louis Stevens:
What are you doing here?

Tawny Dean:
Oh, just thought I'd come out and watch a little mattress rodeo.

Louis Stevens:
That's cool. So... Why aren't you with Zach?

Tawny Dean:
Zach's okay, but... he doesn't laugh at the stupid stuff, like we do.

Tawny Dean:
So, you're really gonna stick this out?

Louis Stevens:
Yeah. Well, I came this far.

Tawny Dean:
That's pretty cool, Louis.

Louis Stevens:
Besides, I really think I'm getting the hang of this now. Let's see... [pushing a button. The mattress goes up towards the ceiling] Oh, Jesus... Down, mattress! No! [Tawny laughs]

Louis Stevens:
I came to tell you that I can't.

Steve Stevens:
Can't what?

Louis Stevens:
Can't, uh... can't, uh... can't, uh... Wait! Can't wait to win the race tomorrow! Yeah!

Steve Stevens:
Hey. How do you feel, son?

Louis Stevens:
I kind of feel like I'm the only one in this race who knows the time table.

Eileen Stevens:
[picks a CD out of Ren's CD case] Hmm..."The Limp Bizkits"... that sounds soothing.

Louis Stevens:
Please?

Ren Stevens:
No.

Louis Stevens:
Please?

Ren Stevens:
No!

Louis Stevens:
Pleeeease?

Ren Stevens:
Okay.

Louis Stevens:
Really?

Ren Stevens:
NO!

Tawny Dean:
Louis, what's this whole thing about you being serious anyway? I mean, it's so not you.

Louis Stevens:
Wait, so you're saying I'm just some goof ball who can't be serious?

Tawny Dean, Alan Twitty:
Yeah.

Ren Stevens:
Thank you, Artie, for that insightful story. Now, let's go live to the cafeteria, for Louis Stevens' special report.

Louis Stevens:
Thank you, Ren. Now, we've all been in the cafeterial line. But what do we really know about the people who cook and serve the so called food we eat?

Louis Stevens:
Is it true that you once ran out of chicken fingers and served human fingers?

Elsa Schotz:
Why are you telling such lies?

Louis Stevens:
Lies? How do you explain this? Huh? Huh? [shows his hands where he hides to fingers. Elsa starts to throw food at him]

Louis Stevens:
What about him?

Ren Stevens:
Mr. Gordon.

Louis Stevens:
Right. Mr. Gordon.

Ren Stevens:
Well, I suppose you could trash him. You get it? Trash? He's the custodian! [Ren laughs at her own joke, Louis does not]

Louis Stevens:
Ren?

Ren Stevens:
Huh?

Louis Stevens:
I'll do the comedy.

Eileen Stevens:
How was the show?

Ren Stevens:
[sadly] Great.

Louis Stevens:
[unenthusiastically] Everybody loved it.

Eileen Stevens:
Wow! I'd hate to see what you two looked like if it bombed!

Ren Stevens:
You are a horrible little person!

Louis Stevens:
Thank you.

Ren Stevens:
You're welcome.

Steve Stevens:
Louis, get a job.

Louis Stevens:
How am I supposed to do that?

Steve Stevens:
I don't know, ask Ren. She does volunteer work for that new website that helps teenagers find jobs.

Louis Stevens:
What doesn't that girl do.

Ren Stevens:
What is your career goal?

Louis Stevens:
I wanna be one of those guys that rides a motorcycle in the Globe of Doom at that Vegas show!

Ren Stevens:
I knew that, actually.

Ren Stevens:
[at job applying interview] Okay... Where do you see yourself in five years?

Louis Stevens:
I hope I've moved up to Donnie's room.

Ren Stevens:
Have you taken these dogs for a W-A-L-K? [all the dogs barks]

Louis Stevens:
Why did you have to remind them?

Louis Stevens:
Well, that's the last of them.

Ren Stevens:
Well, I hate to admit it, but I think you did a pretty good job. You know, except for the part of massive destruction of our house.

Tawny Dean:
Twitty! Why are dressed up like sushi?

Alan Twitty:
I'm a stinking bowling pin!

Louis Stevens:
I can't believe this! Wow, uh, wow! I wanna thank my mom, my dad... all my friends at school... oh, and of course Ms. Beatty, my third grade teacher who said I couldn't spell, but I did have smell!

Mr. Winnick:
Wendy von Leer? Edward Nudelman? [Edward Nudelman raises his hand] Tawny Dean?

Tawny Dean:
Here.

Mr. Winnick:
Louis Stevens? Louis Stevens? [Louis snaps his fingers]

Chives:
Master Stevens is present.

Tawny Dean:
Louis, I can't believe you brought your butler to school.

Louis Stevens:
Well, frankly, I don't know how I got through my days without him.

Steve Stevens:
Oh, Ren, I didn't get a chance to talk to you. How was mother-daughter bowling night?

Ren Stevens:
Well, Mom can't bowl to save her life.

Steve Stevens:
Yeah, sorry to hear that. Oh, uhm... Why is there an English man doing laundry in our home?

Ren Stevens:
Oh, Chives? He works for Louis.

Steve Stevens:
Oh?

Ren Stevens:
Yeah...

Eileen Stevens:
We joined the mother-daughter bowling league! Isn't that great? Isn't that great, Ren? We can relive the fun we had last night every single week!

Ren Stevens:
[embarrassed] Uh... uh... Kaboom! Heh heh heh...

Beans:
Where's Chives? I gotta blow my nose.

Beans:
Chives, do this! Chives, do that!

Chives:
Master Louis requests your immediate departure.

Beans:
Why don't you speak English?

Tawny Dean:
Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I mean, I know it sounds kinda crazy, but...when we looked into each other's eyes, it was deep and powerful...like, like we was searchin' for stars in a black sky... And how he could make me laugh! Oh, I remember this one time, he ate so many plums, his mouth turned as purple as the hydrangeas in Grandma's window box... How could he just disappear like that, leavin' me nothin' but a hole in my heart? I never even got a chance...to say goodbye! I'll always miss him, and I'll always love him. 'Cause he wasn't just a turtle--he was my best friend.

Louis Stevens:
Tawny, check it out! Be careful, grab at the base.

Tawny Dean:
What is this?

Alan Twitty:
It's a Gum Blum.

Tom Gribalski:
Very sophisticated.

Louis Stevens:
Thank you, Tom. See, it's a pain staking process, we had to get that stuff off the floor...

Alan Twitty:
Yes.

Louis Stevens:
From the bathroom stall...

Tawny Dean:
Wait! This is used gum?

Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty:
Oh yeah!

Tawny Dean:
Ew! [give it over to Tom, who throws it in the air. Twitty catches it in the last second]

Alan Twitty:
Oh, that was close. Tawny, are you trying to give me a heart attack? We put over a 150 man hours into this baby.

Louis Stevens:
He's stressed out, give him the neck rub! [to Tawny] You savage!

Louis Stevens:
So, uh, listen. I just wanted to wish you good luck over at SACCY, and I'm sorry for goofing on you earlier. In fact, I think it's a cool thing.

Tawny Dean:
Thanks. But I'm not going, I didn't make the cut.

Louis Stevens:
Are they crazy? You were great! You were the best one!

Tawny Dean:
Thanks, but it's okay, really. I don't mind staying here, with my... friends. [Louis looks away, hurt] I gotta go, 'cause my mom's picking me up.

Louis Stevens:
[quietly] Alright.

Tawny Dean:
Bye.

Ren Stevens:
Uhm... You really stunk up there.

Louis Stevens:
No, no, no! Not me. Tawny! Her audition was awesome.

Ren Stevens:
Yeah, that's why she got accepted.

Louis Stevens:
So she got accepted.

Ren Stevens:
Mhm.

Louis Stevens:
She got accepted?

Ren Stevens:
Yeah, but she told me she wasn't going.

Louis Stevens:
Why would she do that?

Ren Stevens:
Louis... Take a wild guess.

Louis Stevens:
Twitty, you're in the spotlight. You're the Man. The big papa with the big moppa!

Ren Stevens:
[gasps] My bed!

Louis Stevens:
Oh! I'm sorry! Oh... [pours the soda bottle]

Ren Stevens:
My soda!

Louis Stevens:
I'll clean it up. [cleans up using the books]

Ren Stevens:
My books!

Louis Stevens:
Ah... [overturns the board]

Ren Stevens:
My board...

Louis Stevens:
"Me, me, me..." That's all I ever get from you.

Louis Stevens:
What are you doing here?

Bubbie Rose:
That's the way to speak to your Bubbie Rose?

Louis Stevens:
My booby what?

Bubbie Rose:
I am your great-great-great-great-grandmother.

Louis Stevens:
Oh, that's great.

Louis Stevens:
Look at them. Please, just look at them. This whole trip is great, you know. Because now I know what it'd be like if my family never had me. They'd be a hundred times better! Thank you, BOOBY.

Donnie Stevens:
Ren, hurry. My tummy has a... headache.

Donnie Stevens:
You don't know how it's like to be related to somebody who's perfect at everything they do.

Louis Stevens:
Actually, I do.

Donnie Stevens:
Really?

Louis Stevens:
Yeah.

Donnie Stevens:
How do you deal with it?

Louis Stevens:
Well, it's hard, but I think you gotta focus on your own good qualities, you know.

Ren Stevens:
We don't have any.

Donnie Stevens:
Ride! RID Silenti. Ride.

Ren Stevens:
Right!

Louis Stevens:
See? That's good. That's... yeah.

Ren Stevens:
I can spit. REALLY far!

Louis Stevens:
Woah!

Donnie Stevens:
Yes.

Ren Stevens:
Yeah, just like...

Louis Stevens:
Yeah. And the fact that you guys care so much about each other, you know, that's good too. I mean, I wish my brother and sister cared about me as much as you care about each other.

Tom Gribalski:
I don't understand why people have to pick on other people. I'd like to live in a world where there was less picking, and more hugging.

Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty:
Yeah, right.

Louis Stevens:
That Lloyd Offler guy... 'Cause everything about him is Offler! Look at how he spells his name: L-L-O-Y-D.

Alan Twitty:
What is up with those double L's?

Louis Stevens:
It's crazy.

Tawny Dean:
Maybe he pronounces it Low-loyd?

Louis Stevens:
Hey, Blondie, how're you doing? [realizes who it was] Ren?

Steve Stevens:
Beans, go home. You're creeping me out.

Ren Stevens:
Louis! I should have figured. You could have taken our heads off!

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, that'd be cool.

Ruby Mendel:
Louis, I don't trust you with that money. You have dollar signs in your eyes.

Louis Stevens:
Ruby, that's hurtful.

Alan Twitty:
No, man. You do.

Tawny Dean:
Beans?

Beans:
Shh!

Tawny Dean:
What are you doing in my school?

Beans:
I'm trying to ditch my pony. That stupid thing follows me everywhere.

Tom Gribalski:
Guess we all kind of snapped.

Ruby Mendel:
Yeah, look at us, chasing Ren like some greedy animals.

Alan Twitty:
Yeah. Guess money can do that to you.

Louis Stevens:
[uncharacteristically serious] You know what? It could've happened to anyone of us. You know? [lets go of his serious face] Good thing it happened to her, though! Right? Hah hah hah! [high fives Twitty, and gets ready to do the same to the O'Neil's, who doesn't respond to that]

Father O'Neil:
I know you don't mean that, son.

Principal Conrad Wexler:
Yeah, he does.

Ruby Mendel:
It's empty.

Ren Stevens:
Yeah. Unfortunately somebody claimed the money this morning.

Louis Stevens:
It's claimed?

Alan Twitty:
Is there any reward?

Ruby Mendel:
Oh, sure, we get to keep the case.

Louis Stevens:
Well! Hey, let's split it up, then! Right? Okay, we're gonna start... [everybody laughs]

Larry Beale:
[in song] Ren got an F. That's got to be a first. I can't believe she messed up so badly. Ren got an F! This is my lucky day! I'm sorry that it had to end so sadly.

[chorus]

Larry Beale, Classmates:
Ren got an F! Ren got an F! Ren got an F! Ren got an F!

Ren Stevens, Louis Stevens, Classmates:
Sixth period!

Ren Stevens, Louis Stevens, Classmates:
Sixth period!

Ren Stevens, Louis Stevens, Classmates:
Sixth period!

Steve Stevens:
That was some sneeze, son, are you alright?

Louis Stevens:
No, not really, I got a lot of... uh... lot of flim... ehm, you know... A lot of mucus... So I'm calling it "flucus."

Louis Stevens:
So, am... Am I burning up, or...?

Steve Stevens:
I don't know. I'm just resting my hand while I'm looking for something.

Louis Stevens:
So Mom and Dad made you come to school too, huh?

Ren Stevens:
No. I begged them to let me go, and I still had to sneak out.

Louis Stevens:
Oh, really? I like that, Ren. Twitty, take a note. Every time I'm dealing with my parents, do everything backwards.

Tawny Dean:
It's called reverse psychology. Actually, it's very effective.

Louis Stevens:
Hm.

Ren Stevens:
I don't wanna psych anyone out, I just really like school.

Louis Stevens:
Oh, I really like school too, except for the classrooms, teachers and tests.

Tawny Dean:
Oh, like Coach Tugnut's physical endurance exam.

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, exactly. Like that. You know, I'll never take that test.

Ren Stevens:
How are you gonna get out of it?

Louis Stevens:
Ehm... Uh... Well, I... eh, right now, I'm not, uh, in liberty to say.

Ren Stevens:
What does that mean?

Alan Twitty:
Uh... That just means he hasn't figured it out yet.

Louis Stevens:
Oh, Tawny, please don't worry about it. I always find a way. [burst into song] I'm not strong, I'm not fast, when it comes to endurance, I just can't last! So I'll get out of gym, like I have in the past!

Alan Twitty:
Like the time you wore that useful bodycast!

Louis Stevens:
I always find a way!

Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean:
[chorus] He always finds a way!

Tawny Dean:
No one can produce an excellent excuse like you!

Louis Stevens:
What can I say?

Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean:
[chorus] He always finds a way!

Tawny Dean:
A pathetic wheeze, a powerful sneeze... [Louis coughs]

Alan Twitty:
Like the time he fills your ears up with cottage cheese!

Louis Stevens:
And said it was because of my sweat allergies! That one got me out of gym with ease. [chorus] I always find a way!

Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Other Students:
He always finds a way! He can easily create ways to abbreviate! His gym period stay.

Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean:
[chorus] He always finds a way! He always finds a way!

Coach Tugnut:
[pops up from inside a locker] But not today!

Louis Stevens:
['Tripped over dog'] Did it. ['Tounge-ache'] Did it. ['Couch-potato Ankles'] I did that twice!

Louis Stevens:
[singing] I brought you soup! Delicious chicken soup!

Ren Stevens:
NOOOOOOOO!

Eileen Stevens:
We all wanted to tell you how we feel.

[breaks into song]

Eileen Stevens:
They'll be no award, you missed a day of school.

Donnie Stevens:
You never should've gotten influenza.

Steve Stevens:
It's just an award, it doesn't mean a thing.

Louis Stevens:
[hops up onto the counter] I think that we should sing another stanza!

[the family forms a chorus line]

Louis Stevens, Steve Stevens, Donnie Stevens, Eileen Stevens:
It's just an award. It's just an award. It's just an award. It's just an award.

[song ends as Ren screams]

Louis Stevens:
[after getting "green nose"] Mommy can I have my buttercup!

Beans:
Getting a little hippy there, eh, Professor Cuddle-Bottoms?

Steve Stevens:
This box is heavy!

Eileen Stevens:
And why are there holes in it?

Beans:
[bursts out of the box; Steve and Eileen scream] So I can breath.

Steve Stevens:
Beans, you're not coming to Washington with us.

Beans:
Come on! You'll never know I'm there.

Steve Stevens:
Out! Home, now!

Beans:
Fine, but you're gonna miss me!

Beans:
Her pillow smells nice. My pillow smells like macarroni and cheese.

Tawny Dean:
As long as I live I'm...I'm never gonna meet anybody like you.

Louis Stevens:
I'm gonna miss you so much. I love you, Tawny.

Tawny Dean:
I love you, Louis.

Tom Gribalski:
It's the last day we'll walk through these halls together. It's the last time we'll see you open your locker!

Louis Stevens:
Tom, enough!

Tom Gribalski:
It's the last time I'll hear you say: "Tom, enough!"

Louis Stevens:
[on videotape] Okay. Tawny, hi! Hi. Uh... By the time you see this, I'll probably already be in Washington. It's far. It's about, uh, 2797 miles away. I looked it up. I don't want the last thing we talked about to be about chilly fries. So that's why I'm doing this. This tape, you know. To tell you how I really feel.

Louis Stevens:
Now, listen, Tom. I'm gonna trust you with this tape. Okay? So, if anybody else besides Tawny gets their hands on this, I'll personally track you down and make you pay. Do you know what I'm saying?

Tom Gribalski:
Is that a threat, Louis?

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, that's a threat.

Tom Gribalski:
Oh... Okay. Well, I respond very good to threats, so consider this tape delivered.

News Anchor:
In a stunning and dramatically reversal, a recount has snatched victory away from senator Eileen Stevens. And a scant 17 votes has given the congressional seat to Charles Nuck.

Louis Stevens:
My tape!

Ren Stevens:
My friends!

Steve Stevens:
My job!

Donnie Stevens:
My coach!

Eileen Stevens:
My seat!

Principal Conrad Wexler:
[sees Louis] NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Ms. Jenkins:
Come along, Mr. Wexler. I'll give you some coffee!

Principal Conrad Wexler:
And cookies...?

Louis Stevens:
Tawny. Hey.

Tawny Dean:
Hey, Louis!

Louis Stevens:
Hey. Uh... Well, we got some... stuff to talk about. Right?

Tawny Dean:
Oh, yeah... I turned on my television last night. That was really freaky.

Louis Stevens:
So it was upsetting?

Tawny Dean:
Yeah! I mean, your mom lost the election.

Louis Stevens:
Uh... Oh! Mom... Yeah! Yeah, she was... she was crushed. It was horrible.

Tawny Dean:
But at least you're not moving, right?

Louis Stevens:
Oh, yeah, no, I'm right here. I'm right here. Uh... You didn't happen to get a tape from Tom?

Tawny Dean:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it sounded important. But knowing Tom, it's probably just some nature special or his mom's 48th birthday...

Louis Stevens:
Oh, yeah, good party, that was a good... Besides, uh, besides... Point is, you didn't... you didn't watch it, or...?

Tawny Dean:
Oh, no. I mean, I'll probably watch it when I get home today. So it doesn't bug me anymore.

Louis Stevens:
Right... Well, that's great. That's great! Um... Good talking to you. Get back to reading, uh, I got a class.

Tawny Dean:
Oh, me too.

Louis Stevens:
Oh. Cool! See you around, then.

Tawny Dean:
Bye.

Louis Stevens:
To Louis? [putting the tape on]

Tawny Dean:
[on tape] Hi, Louis. I'm sending you this tape because I didn't want the last thing we said to each other to be about chilly fries.

Louis Stevens:
[on tape, as Tawny watches his tape at the same time] I remember the first time I saw you. I had fallen off the flagpole. Hurt like crud! But it didn't matter. 'Cause there you were...

Tawny Dean:
...and then you fell off the flagpole, and... I just remember thinking how funny you were. Not... not funny that you broke your back! But just... you were a funny person. And you were really cute too.

Louis Stevens:
...I like the way you look at me. You have this look, you do, right after I do something stupid. You give me this look... it's like... it's like you're gonna get mad... But then you just smile.

Tawny Dean:
...as long as I live, I'm... I'm never gonna meet anybody like you.

Louis Stevens:
...I'm gonna miss you so much. I love you, Tawny.

Tawny Dean:
...I love you, Louis.

Louis Stevens:
Hey.

Tawny Dean:
Hi.

Louis Stevens:
So... I saw a tape last night.

Tawny Dean:
Yeah, I... I saw a tape too.

Louis Stevens:
So...?

Tawny Dean:
So...

Louis Stevens:
So, I heard they're having chilly fries at lunch today.

Tawny Dean:
Cool. I love chilly fries. [walking out holding hands]

Louis Stevens:
Why is that kid wearing a leash?

Alan Twitty:
Maybe he bites.

Sylvia:
Don't you think you've had enough, sweetie?

Beans:
It's been one of those days, Sylvia.

Beans:
Louis, I know you always wanted a crown.

Alan Twitty:
What, you did?

Louis Stevens:
Uh, well, yeah, it's a long story.

Beans:
I want you to have this one.

Louis Stevens:
Beans... No, man. You worked too hard for it.

Beans:
Okay.

Louis Stevens:
No, no, Beans, I was being polite.

Beans:
Too late, 'cause now, you lose.

Louis Stevens:
No, give me that crown! BEEEEEAAAANS!

Eileen Stevens:
Ren, you don't normally watch The Old and the Beautiful.

Twitty:
What's with all this "Dudley Do-Right" stuff?

Tawny:
I've seen it before. My mother had a patient like this once. A 76-year-old man who woke up one morning, and decided he wanted his wife to only call him "Freak-Nasty."

[pretending to be tied to railroad tracks]

Tawny Dean:
[flatly] Oh, no. It's the evil Twit-ty.

Tawny Dean:
Twitty, don't worry. No one knows the real Louis better than I do. And deep down, he's classy, caring... and very, very intelligent.

Louis Stevens:
[to Blake and Ivan] I LOVE YOU, GUYS!

Tawny Dean:
I think I'm gonna keep an eye on him too.

Larry Beale:
If there's no Ren Stevens, there's no Larry Beale.

Louis Stevens:
Okay, now is the part where you tell me I'm your hero and you can kiss me.

Tawny Dean:
Don't push it.

Twitty:
Dude, we're friends.

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, we are. I'm never gonna forget this. [standing in the middle of Twitty and Tawny, all with their arms around each other]

Tawny Dean:
Yeah, I'm tearing up here.

Tawny Dean:
It's good that things are getting back to normal between us. Things are back to normal, right? [neither Louis or Twitty answers at first]

Louis Stevens:
Em... Wait a second... [sticks two carrot pieces up his nostrils] Okay, now we're back to normal! [Louis, Tawny and Twitty laughs]

Ren Stevens:
[speaking to the class] I say enough is enough with this food. Now, I'm your policy monitor. And I am here to serve you.

Larry Beale:
In that case, can you bring me another piece of chocolate cake?

Twitty:
Yeah, Blake did a Doc Dennier's Hot Dog commercial, like, a couple of years ago.

Louis Stevens:
Doc Denniers? Right... Doc Denniers! That's right!

Twitty:
Yep, man, Blake's all about acting.

Louis Stevens:
I love that commercial. I remember the song. It goes, um... "If it's not Doc Denniers, you're just eating wieners."

Twitty:
Yeah, man, that's him.

Louis Stevens:
[to Tawny] You remember that commercial?

Tawny Dean:
I don't eat wieners.

Louis Stevens:
Okay...

Louis Stevens:
[impersonates Austin Powers] Groovy, baby. Yeah.

Ren Stevens:
What are you doing?

Louis Stevens:
Oh, this? Just trying out some new routines for my new crew.

Ren Stevens:
Your new crew? Listen to you, with your overnight popularity... You're starting to sound like Larry Beale. Translation: Ew!

Louis Stevens:
What's wrong with you?

Ren Stevens:
I think I lost my mojo.

Louis Stevens:
No. You never had a mojo.

Ren Stevens:
You're probably right.

Louis Stevens:
What? You're not gonna yell at me? Help! Dr. Evil has replaced my sister with some cheap, ugly robot!

Tawny Dean:
Louis, you may not know this, but I'm fond of you. And so is Twitty. But we think... We're worried you've become a pod person.

Louis Stevens:
So... So, now that I have new friends, I'm a pod person?

Tawny Dean:
Don't take this the wrong way.

Louis Stevens:
[angry] I can't help it! Every day, it's been like, "Louis, stop with the Brando," "Louis, get a new act..." How am I supposed to feel?

Tawny Dean:
[pauses] You're taking this the wrong way.

Twitty:
I thought there had been a little bad blood between you and Blake.

Louis Stevens:
No, there's no bad blood. There's no blood! Do I look like I'm bleeding?

Louis Stevens:
For those of you keeping score at home: My new friends... they don't like me. My old friends... they don't like me. So I guess the score is friends, zero. Louis, really zero. I don't know, I guess maybe next time, I'll think twice before I save a guy's life.

Tawny Dean:
Louis' constant craving for approval combined with his youngest child syndrome has basically split his personality in two.

Twitty:
So what are we gonna do for him?

Tawny Dean:
We've gotta shock him back into reality. This calls for drastic measures.

[Louis rides his bike, before he hears a yelling]

Tawny Dean:
Help! Help! [Louis hears it, and sees a sign saying: "Damsel in distress". He goes on and finds another sign, which says: "That means you, Louis." Louis continues and sees Tawny in the middle of a train track]

Louis Stevens:
Woah! What...? Tawny? What the heck are you doing? This isn't another one of your protests, is it?

Tawny Dean:
Are you going to save me or not?

Louis Stevens:
Save you from what? [train whistle follows. We see a small black model train, with a laughing Twitty driving it] Twitty? You guys have completely lost your minds!

Tawny Dean:
Okay, I'm gonna talk you through this.

Louis Stevens:
Good.

Tawny Dean:
Okay, I'm tied to the tracks. The train is coming. The hero... that would be you... rides up on his bike and saves me. In the nick of time. [the train moves closer]

Tawny Dean:
[flatly] Oh, no... It's the evil Twitty... Save my life, and I will forever be your friend... [Louis doesn't react at once] Hm? Beats the Heimlich maneuver.

Eileen Stevens:
Donnie. Are you still angry that Louis canceled the team practice?

Donnie Stevens:
Who's Louis?

Ren Stevens:
I would rather take the hip bump than the high five.

Eileen Stevens:
Oh, you would? [hip bumps Ren, who falls over the couch]

Ren Stevens:
Okay... I'll take the high five.

Louis Stevens:
Okay, we're gonna give them in, because this is our house! We're gonna show them who their daddy is, alright? It's spanking time! Hands in, hands in! 1-2-3... DINGOS! Get out, get out, GET OUT NOW!

[Louis is wrestling a girl]

Steve Stevens:
Take him down. Her down. Boy, girl, it doesn't matter. Take that person down.

Ren Stevens:
Daddy, I know sending Louis to military school is a little harsh, but tough love is our only option.

Steve Stevens:
We are not sending Louis to military school. Too expensive.

Twitty:
You know what a win-win situation is, right?

Louis Stevens:
Yeah.

Twitty:
Well, this is the exact same thing. Except, it's lose-lose.

Louis Stevens:
That's great.

[Louis finds out he will be wrestling a girl]

Louis Stevens:
But, you're a girl. And I...

[makes hand signals]

Louis Stevens:
...wrestle with...

Mimi Nagurski:
Good grammar.

Steve Stevens:
Ren! What are you doing up there?

Ren Stevens:
Two words: Louis Stevens!

Steve Stevens:
Okay, calm down, Ren! Let's not automatically assume that Louis built this... rathering genius contraption! [Ren is holding a paper in her hand] What's that? [she shows it to him] "Louis' homemade jungle traps." Call 555-Trap-Ren.

Twitty:
What if you did like, uh, swimming?

Louis Stevens:
No...

Tawny Dean:
No, no, no. I've seen Louis swim. He has to wear arm floaties and a shallow end.

Louis Stevens:
Sir, I was wondering... Could you put me on a sports team or something? Any team's fine.

Coach Tugnut:
[lifts Louis up in the air] What do you weigh, Stevens? About 104-105?

Louis Stevens:
Uh... uh... uh... That's a personal question, Coach.

Coach Tugnut:
[lets him down] We need somebody in that weight class. Congratulations, Stevens... You just made the wrestling team.

Twitty:
[Tugley lifts him up] Coach, I can't wrestle, I'm already on the basketball team.

Coach Tugnut:
Yeah, I know. Just haven't seen you in a while. Thought I'd lift you up. [walks away]

Louis Stevens:
That was interesting.

Louis Stevens:
Sir! Sir, ehm, if you don't mind, I would like to say something. Okay?

Coach Tugnut:
No!

Louis Stevens:
Thank you. Now, I'd just like to say first off what an honor it is to be on the wrestling team, and that although I've never got hit in the back by a folding chair, I'll try to make it look as "real" as possible.

Coach Tugnut:
Stevens!

Louis Stevens:
And I'd like to run a few wrestling names for myself by you. Now, I've narrowed it down to Luscious Lou and Texas Joe Hot Dog.

Coach Tugnut:
How about this one: The Kid Who Chaps My Rear End.

Louis Stevens:
I don't know, Coach, it doesn't really sing. You got something else?

Ren Stevens:
You're an evil genius!

Louis Stevens:
Thank you.

Ren Stevens:
It's really... It's not gonna be the same without you, sir.

Donnie Stevens:
Are you right-handed or left-handed?

Beans:
I don't know.

Donnie Stevens:
Well, which one do you write with?

Beans:
Whatever one that's closer to the pencil.

Tawny Dean:
Woah! I didn't know Mr. Rough was bald.

Louis Stevens:
See, look at that. We learn a new thing every day, right?

Tawny Dean:
Louis, I hope you're satisfied. [Louis sees her sign and laughs] I'm an eye-roller? This is completely demeaning.

Tom Gribalski:
But not totally inaccurate.

Louis Stevens:
I'm gonna solve this. I'm gonna go talk to the man.

Tawny Dean:
Who, Landau?

Louis Stevens:
No. Ren.

Louis Stevens:
You know, I liked it better when we were enemies.

Principal Conrad Wexler:
Me too. One more game.

Louis Stevens:
I think I might have found my thing.

Tawny Dean:
Your thing?

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, everybody's got their thing. I mean, Twitty has his music, you have your poetry, Tom's got his... parents.

Tawny Dean:
But this is only one page.

Alan Twitty:
Yeah, where is the rest of it?

Louis Stevens:
We're only shooting scene 27 today. You see, we're shooting out of order. It's called filmmaking.

Ren Stevens:
[interrupting the filming] What is this disgusting slime doing in the refrigerator?

Louis Stevens:
Cut! That's not slime, it's radioactive plasma!

Tawny Dean:
Hey.

Louis Stevens:
Hey! Oh, you're still here? Yeah, I thought you left in the middle or something.

Tawny Dean:
I was just thinking about the movie. Louis, it had a great message. It's about feeling like an outsider and wanting to be accepted by appears.

Louis Stevens:
Yeah... You got that?

Tawny Dean:
Totally. And when that third eye cried... I cried. [Louis laughs] Can we watch it again?

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, sure! Oh... Can I ask you something? Did my thighs look too fat in that dress?

Tawny Dean:
[laughs] Eh, they were... They were muscular.

Tom Gribalski:
[trying to climb a fence] Ut-oh, I think I just ripped my trousers.

Louis Stevens:
Are you kidding me?

Tom Gribalski:
I did. I have to go.

Donnie Stevens:
Are you kidding, Mr. Wexler? I had a foolish dream that somebody one day would name a bunch of fake rocks after me.

Tawny Dean:
Look at Twitty and Allison! [Twitty and Allison are flirting a few feet away from her and Louis]

Louis Stevens:
Mm, cozy.

Tawny Dean:
Very.

Allison Wong:
I feel like I already know you guys. Alan has told me so much about you.

Louis Stevens:
Who's Alan?

Alan Twitty:
Dude, I have a first name too, you know.

Louis Stevens:
Tom, this best friend thing is not gonna work out. But hey, it's not you, it's me. [pauses] No, it's you. I have to go.

Tom Gribalski:
[after Louis is gone] I knew we rushed into this!

[Louis and Twitty are being hauled away by a security guard]

Louis Stevens:
Look! A diversion!

Mall Secutiry Guard:
Where?

[Louis and Twitty get away]

Alan Twitty:
Hey, dude, your shoes are untied.

Louis Stevens:
So?

Alan Twitty:
So, you're gonna trip.

Louis Stevens:
No, dude, it's just an urban myth, everybody says... [Twitty tramples on his shoelace and he trips]

Ren Stevens:
What are you doing here?

Louis Stevens:
We're just trying to blend in.

Ren Stevens:
[through gritted teeth] Blend in?

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, security guard thinks we're the trouble makers.

Ren Stevens:
Gosh, I wonder why.

Beans:
Do these pants make my butt look big?

Louis Stevens:
Yeah.

Beans:
Good. Let's move some dirt!

Louis Stevens:
Dad, it's not what you think!

Steve Stevens:
Did you just dig a giant hole through our basement wall?

Louis Stevens:
Well, yeah... may-maybe that part's what you think. But, hey! You don't know the part about the treasure.

Steve Stevens:
Treasure?

Louis Stevens:
Yeah!

Steve Stevens:
This is just another one of your crazy, half-baked schemes.

Louis Stevens:
No, no, no. No, it's not half-baked. It's fully-baked! I did research!

Mail Officer:
Sorry, sir, our return policy is very specific.

Steve Stevens:
What is it?

Mail Officer:
No returns.

Tom Gribalski:
You really did your homework on this one... Sacramento Kid!

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, Tom, we're not doing nicknames right now.

Steve Stevens:
Is anyone listening here? We have a problem! Does this kid expect us to support him every time he comes up with a new scheme?

Donnie Stevens:
Dad... You don't have to believe in what Louis is doing. You just have to believe in Louis.

Donnie Stevens:
You don't have to believe in what Louis is doing. Just believe in Louis. You don't have to believe in what Louis...

Steve Stevens:
I heard you the first time. Finish your eggs.

Louis Stevens:
I had the Sausage in my hand, but I lost it!

Steve Stevens:
Don't worry about it, son. [Louis knocks his hands angrily at the table] Hey! We got something better than that.

Louis Stevens:
What's that?

Steve Stevens:
I don't know. I was gonna make a joke, but not enough time has passed. Come on. I'll make you an omelette.

Louis Stevens:
Do you know what's better than omelettes?

Steve Stevens:
What?

Louis Stevens:
Golden sausages.

[first lines]

[the doorbell rings as Steve answers the door]

Mail Officer:
Delivery for Louis Stevens.

Steve Stevens:
[sarcastically; as he signs for Louis' delivery] Oh, boy. What now? What is it?

Mail Officer:
[gives Steve the leash to an emu] An emu.

Steve Stevens:
What?

Steve Stevens:
[to the mail officer; as the emu enters the house] Oh... no! Louis ordered an emu? Get outta here!

Mail Officer:
I'm sorry, sir. But our return policy is very specific.

Steve Stevens:
What is it?

Mail Officer:
No returns. Have a nice day.

Steve Stevens:
[to Steve; as she points over his shoulder] You might wanna stop that thing from eating your family.

[camera cuts to the emu eating the bottom left hand corner of a family portrait hanging on the wall next to the stairs]

Steve Stevens:
[to the emu] Whoa! Stop it! Stop that! Bad bird! Bad bird!

Steve Stevens:
[shouting; to Louis] LOUIS!

Steve Stevens:
Louis, how come you're not at school?

Louis Stevens:
Well, how come you're not at work?

[brief pause as both men chuckle to themselves]

Principal Conrad Wexler:
Ren, you are by far the best Student Administrative Assistant I've ever had.

Ren Stevens:
Well, I'm the only one you've ever had, sir. I created the job.

Eileen Stevens:
Mr. Wexler, I just had the craziest idea.

Principal Conrad Wexler:
If it's about putting Louis in a giant bird cage, forget it. The school board turned me down.

Alan Twitty:
Detention? Woah, come on, man! This is us, we're your friends.

Louis Stevens:
Twitty... I am the only line of defence between you and this jungle!

Tawny Dean:
Jungle? What jungle? Two hours ago, we were laughing about this stuff!

Louis Stevens:
Well, we're not laughing now, are we?

Principal Conrad Wexler:
[to Louis] Busting your two best friends, Ms. Dean and Mr. Twitty, shows a lack of compassion I find very promising.

Tom Gribalski:
I live to serve. I serve to live.

Louis Stevens:
[trying to trick Loomis into giving him the water ballon] Ok man, you win, there's no way I can get you. Oh, you got a little something on your nose, a little booger hanging out there

Loomis Freeman:
[checking his nose] What? Where?

Louis Stevens:
[grabs the balloon while Loomis is distarcted] What now buddy! What now!

Ren Stevens:
So, are you going to ask a certain someone?

Tawny Dean:
No, I think I'm going to ask Louis.

Louis Stevens:
[after Tawny walks out on him] What just happened?

Alan Twitty:
I said 'play cool'.

Tom Gribalski:
Yeah, and you played the fool!

Ren Stevens:
[after Louis being thrown into the Pig Pen by Monique] Good job, Louis. You let the pig out.

Louis Stevens:
No. No, I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

Monique Taylor:
Come on, Louis, let's go and get hitched!

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, you know, I can't. Because I got this thing in my thing, which causes my thing to become, uh... uh, unhitched.

Monique Taylor:
Louis, look, you're in the seventh grade, I'm in the eighth. I know a thing or two about a thing or two.

Tawny Dean:
Louis, do you wanna dance?

Louis Stevens:
I don't know, I've had so many offers today.

Principal Wexler:
Any humiliating or degrading of seventh graders must be done during lunch hours only. And remember... keep it fun.

Louis Stevens:
Why did they pick Larry Beale for Scrubmaster? I mean, he's mean, he's nasty, he's brutal, and that's just to his mother.

Louis Stevens:
Is it fair that Pluto has to wear a leash and sleep in a doghouse while Goofy, who is also a dog, gets to drive around in a car and play golf with Mickey?

Tawny Dean:
Do you guys think this Scrub Day thing is for real?

Alan Twitty:
I don't know, dude, but it's starting to freaking me out.

Louis Stevens:
What? It's nothing! It's just the eight graders trying to scare us, they're not really gonna do anything. Why are you being such babies? [a skeleton positure comes down from the roof, with a message that there's two days left. Louis jumps up in Tawny's arms so she holds him like a baby]

Tawny Dean:
How do you feel now, huh, tough guy?

Ren Stevens:
When I went through it, I thought the whole thing was disgusting and juvenile.

Louis Stevens:
[relieved] Right. Right

Ren Stevens:
But now that you're going through it, I just think it's a wonderful school tradition. Later, Scrub.

Louis Stevens:
I'm a Stevens, and we have a motto. You know: "you dream it, you scheme it, and you cream it."

Tawny Dean:
What does that mean?

Louis Stevens:
I don't know.

Tawny Dean:
What do the eight graders have that we don't have?

Louis Stevens:
Other than armpit hair, they got nothing.

Tawny Dean:
It's just that they're organized, and we're not. Right?

Louis Stevens:
Right. But I got an idea!

Tawny Dean:
Really?

Louis Stevens:
No. No, I don't. I don't. But I will by two o'clock.

Louis Stevens:
[to his fellow seventh graders] Look, there are more of us than there are of them. That's why we need to stick together. Alright? If we're gonna be the Scrubs, we need to be the united Scrubs. The United Scrubs... of America. USA!

Louis Stevens:
[to crowd] And is it fair that Pluto has to live in a dog house, while Goofy, who is also a dog gets to drive around and play golf with Mickey?

[everyone looks perplexed]

Louis Stevens:
It's just something that's always bothered me

Louis Stevens:
What's your name, kid?

Beans:
Bernard.

Louis Stevens:
Bernard? I don't like it.

Beans:
Me neither!

Louis Stevens:
Well, from now on, your name is Beans.

Ren Stevens:
Twitty.

Alan Twitty:
Hello, Ren, I'm here to pick up Louis and take him back to my house, where we spend the night safely away from you.

Louis Stevens:
Oh, hello, Alan. Are you here to pick me up, bring me back to your house, where we spend the night safely away from Ren?

Ren Stevens:
Open the pack.

Louis Stevens:
There is nothing in my pack, except from toothbrush and a pair of fresh undies!

Ren Stevens:
Or, it could possibly be a rolled up newspaper just to make me think that you're gonna go over to his house to sleep over, and then come back here to ruin my party!

Louis Stevens:
Ren, that is crazy talk. Ren!

Ren Stevens:
Let's just see about that, shall we? [takes the pack from Louis and pulls out the content] What is this?

Louis Stevens:
A toothbrush and a pair of fresh undies.

Ruby Mendel:
[being watched by Louis and Twitty on the TV] Ren, I'm here! This is gonna be so much fun! [the girls dances around, excited]

Louis Stevens:
[does an impression after Ruby] Oh, yeah! TWITTY, THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN! [the boys dances around in the style of the girls]

Ruby Mendel:
We're giving Louise here a makeover.

Ren Stevens:
Oh, oh, what's that, little brother? You want another facial, huh?

[Louise protests]

Ren Stevens:
Yes you do, yes you do! Coming right up!

[Eileen realizes Louis played a prank on Ren]

Eileen Stevens:
What did you do? Put mayonnaise in her moisturizer?

Louis Stevens:
No, but you know what? That's a good idea.

Louis Stevens:
[finding his briefs hanging on the outside of his locker and reading the attached note] "You left your tighty whities in gym class - Couch Tugnut".

Girl in Hall:
Hey there. You're Ren Stevens' little brother, right?

Louis Stevens:
[as he tries to hide the underwear] The name... the name's Louis.

Alan Twitty:
[holding up Louis' underpants] Yeah, it says so right on his underwear.

Eileen Stevens:
Honey, I have great news! Councellor McKinsey is looking for an intern! Oh, I think you would be just perfect for this! He's expecting your call.

Ren Stevens:
Oh, Mom, I'd love to, but my schedule is pretty busy right now.

Eileen Stevens:
[looks at the only empty room in the calendar] No, honey, look... You have Tuesday from 4:30 to 6 available!

Louis Stevens:
Little Miss Weird has been running around the house all day, and it's payback time!

Alan Twitty:
[plays his guitar and sings] It's payback time, it's payback time!

Louis Stevens:
Look over here, I'm gonna show you something.

Alan Twitty:
[playing and singing] I'm gonna show you something, I'm gonna show you!

Louis Stevens:
Get out! Get out of my house!

Alan Twitty:
[still doing his music] Get, get out of Louis's house!

Louis Stevens:
Louis is cool.

Alan Twitty:
[still playing and singing] Louis is a big nerd, he's the biggest nerd!

Ren Stevens:
What are you doing?

Louis Stevens:
Isis!

Ren Stevens:
What did you call me?

Louis Stevens:
I said: hi, sis!

Louis Stevens:
Now listen, the school ain't big enough for the both of us, so you just get out of here, and never besmirch my name again, Loomis.

Loomis Freeman:
What's "besmirch" mean?

Louis Stevens:
"Besmirch"? I don't what "besmirch"...

Twitty:
Dude, you've gotta find Loomis.

Louis Stevens:
You can say that three times fast.

Twitty:
You've gotta find Loomis, you've gotta find Loomis, you've gotta find Loomis...

Louis Stevens:
[trying to trick Loomis into giving him the water balloon] Ok man, you win, there's no way I can get you. Oh, you got a little something on your nose, a little booger hanging out there

Loomis Freeman:
[checking his nose] What? Where?

Louis Stevens:
[grabs the balloon while Loomis is distracted] What now buddy! What now!

Louis Stevens:
You know what this is? This is my evil twin! That explains it, he's my evil twin! Which would be pretty cool if wasn't trying to ruin my life.

Louis Stevens:
Water gun?

Ren Stevens:
Squirting flower.

Louis Stevens:
That amateur.

Loomis Freeman:
You smell purty!

Tawny Dean:
[unsure what to answer] You smell purty too.

Ren Stevens:
I'm sorry, but sometimes you just have to stick to your principles.

Principal Wexler:
Do not talk to a principal about principles.

Principal Wexler:
If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the hot tub.

Ren Stevens:
Oh, hey, Louis! Noticing anything different? [Louis looks unsure what to answer] No braces...?

Louis Stevens:
Oh, no bra... Right! Sorry, I was distracted by your cheeks.

Ren Stevens:
Why would you be distracted by my cheeks?

Louis Stevens:
Because it looks like you're smuggling meatballs from the cafeteria. [holds up the locker mirror to her. Ren looks at it]

Ren Stevens:
[upset] Oh my god, I look like a...

Louis Stevens:
Blowfish.

Ren Stevens:
You are the most infurating...

Louis Stevens:
YOU'RE INFLURI... nate... turing!

Donnie Stevens:
Do you wanna come to my date with me to translate?

Nelson Minkler:
You want me to come to your date with you? But what if she says something, you know, personal?

Donnie Stevens:
Uh... Well, you can still translate, just plug your ears.

Ren Stevens:
Hey, Bobby.

Bobby Deaver:
Hey.

Ren Stevens:
Mandy.

Mandy Sanchez:
Ren. I love your lipstick, that color look so well on your thin lips.

Ren Stevens:
You know, I really wonder how it'd look like on a fat lip.

David Blackburn:
[to Louis and Ren] Hello. I'm David Blackburn.

Louis Stevens:
Sir! Yeah, I'm Louis Stevens. This is Cruella.

Louis Stevens:
You can't beat me on the Prince of the Plank, Ren! Can't - beat - me! No, I'm the Prince of the Plank!

Nelson Minkler:
[to Sandrine, in french about Donnie] He has the intelligence of a buttered croissant.

Louis Stevens:
If a chicken had lips could it whistle?

Eileen Stevens:
Louis, you're late and we're having a lot of assignments to get through. Now... We'll begin with English class.

Louis Stevens:
You forgot to call attendance, Mom.

Eileen Stevens:
[angry] Louis!

Louis Stevens:
Present.

Eileen Stevens:
Louis!

Louis Stevens:
[wakes up] I didn't do anything!

Eileen Stevens:
[looks at the algebra board] I know!

Louis Stevens:
[to Ren] You know what? Why don't you just go accomplish something and leave me alone.

Ren Stevens:
I know how it feels to try and try something and just never get it right.

Louis Stevens:
No, you don't! You don't understand. You're good at everything.

Ren Stevens:
Thanks. But did you ever try pole vaulting?

Louis Stevens:
Is... is that where they do the volleyball...?

Ren Stevens:
No. It's where you stick the pole in the ground and hit yourself.

[first lines]

DJ Breezy Breeze:
Hey gang, here's a K Sac 109 radio exclusive.

Ren Stevens:
Ruby, there's fan, and then there's fanatic.

Tawny Dean:
Sorry, I'm exhausted. I was up late last night, studying for Record Studies Social test.

Louis Stevens:
Yeah. Yeah, when is that thing anyway?

Tawny Dean:
In about a minute.

Louis Stevens:
What?

Tawny Dean:
Well, there should be plenty of time for you to learn about all the constitution.

Louis Stevens:
No, I'm dead!

Tawny Dean:
Yes.

Alan Twitty:
Some fella.

Tawny Dean:
Twitty, Louis was almost swished!

Alan Twitty:
That could hurt.

Alan Twitty:
"Test cancelled due to my monkey having babies."

Tawny Dean:
Talk about dumb luck.

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, really. Thanks, painted penny dude!

Tawny Dean:
Where's Louis?

Alan Twitty:
Dude, this whole lucky penny thing's getting ridiculous. Principal Wexler had to go to a meeting, so he couldn't eat his birthday lunch. And guess who got it. [Louis comes from behind with Principal Wexler's lunch, which is pretty big]

Louis Stevens:
Hope it's not overcooked, you know.

Louis Stevens:
What is this? "Congratulations, you won a free fashioned make over, courtesy of Fruity Fruit cocktail." Check that out!

Tawny Dean:
Okay, now I'm scared.

Nelson Minkler:
Louis! You look different. What happened to you?

Ren Stevens:
Louis, you actually look... What's the word I'm looking for?

Louis Stevens:
Stunning?

Ren Stevens:
Yes!

Nelson Minkler:
Yeah.

Ruby Mendel:
Ren, I haven't slept, I haven't eaten. Do you really think I wanna chat?

Alan Twitty:
How long do you think that lucky streak will go on?

Louis Stevens:
Well, as long as I got my penny, I'd say... oh, forever?

Alan Twitty:
Sweet!

Tawny Dean:
Okay, do you guys really believe that that penny has some kind of mystical powers?

Louis Stevens:
What? No, of course not.

Alan Twitty:
Dude, what do you, think, that we're, like, some kind of superstitious maniacs?

Louis Stevens:
Pennydance.

Alan Twitty:
Yeah! [Louis lays the penny on a chair, which he and Twitty dances wildly around]

Tawny Dean:
Look, guys! There's no such thing as a lucky penny. Look, it's just a series of admittedly weird coincidences.

Louis Stevens:
Really? Could you turn up the radio, please? [Tawny looks at him, but then turns the radio up]

DJ Breezy Breeze:
That was three in a row from BBMak! You know what that means! We're waiting for our twenty-first caller, at 555-0134.

Louis Stevens:
Come on, Aby-baby, work your magic.

Tawny Dean:
Okay, Louis, do you realize the odds? Every kid in Sacramento is gonna be on that...

Louis Stevens:
Shh! Timing has to be perfect, okay? It's a finger thing. [later]

DJ Breezy Breeze:
You're on K-Zac with BBMak! Who are we talking to?

Louis Stevens:
Uh... Uh, Louis Stevens.

DJ Breezy Breeze:
Louis Stevens! Well, you're our lucky twenty-first caller! Louis Stevens, how do you feel?

Louis Stevens:
I'm pretty cool.

Ste McNally:
I think we should go for the twenty-second caller.

Mark Barry:
You know, we usually get a little more enthusiasm from our winners!

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, well, I have to tell you, this whole charm life thing is getting a little old.

DJ Breezy Breeze:
Right! Hold on to that call!

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, I'll hold. Hey, do you guys wanna go to BBMak on recording session?

Alan Twitty:
[to Tawny] You got enough proof?

Tawny Dean:
[pauses] Pennydance.

Larry Beale:
[just before he is about to time Louis in track] Donnie Steven's kid brother - I might as well use an hour glass.

Louis Stevens:
Better yet, a calendar.

Louis Stevens:
So, the next thing I know, they're putting me on the track team.

Steve Stevens:
The only times I've seen you run fast, is to the dinner table.

Coach Tugnut:
Remember, it's not whether you win or lose, as long as you come in first.

Louis Stevens:
That was a food fight.

Larry Beale:
We had lunch together. How did I miss it?

Louis Stevens:
It was fast food.

Coach Tugnut:
I have bad news for you, boys. Spike Jurgens is off the track team. His GPA dropped bow a C.

Louis Stevens:
[to Twitty] He's the only guy who needed a tutor for Wood Shop and still failed.

Coach Tugnut:
You may not take this seriously, boy, but we all owe a debt and gratitude to your brother, the great Donnie Stevens. The boy... no... the man who still holds the state record for the hundred yard dash...

Louis Stevens:
And the record in our house for the longest time spent in front of the mirror. [Louis and Twitty laughs]

Coach Tugnut:
Now that he's gone to high school, there's a huge void in our sports program...

Larry Beale:
Donnie Stevens is over. It's my turn now.

Coach Tugnut:
...We need to find a man among you boys. A man who is willing to be all that he can be. Who can step up to the plate and carry on the winning tradition Donnie Stevens started here at Lawrence. If that man is out there... Coach Tugnut wants you. [Louis and Twitty laughs again] And right face! Bow your heads. All of you! [Tugnut takes off his hat and wears a sad expression. There is a big banner of Donnie up on the wall, doing different kind of sports. It says "I Play Because I can."]

Coach Tugnut:
[sadly] Okay, everybody, out on the track. Go!

Ren Stevens:
Hi, Mr. Walsh. I was just handing in my most recent article. This one makes my piece on the dangers of chalk dust look like child's play.

Mr. Walsh:
Great, 'cause I want you to cover something else for me.

Ren Stevens:
What, where, when, why?

Mr. Walsh:
You can ask those questions on Friday at the big rack meet.

Ren Stevens:
Sports? Me?

Mr. Walsh:
Ren, this assignment is an honor. Sports writing is a dignified aspect of journalism.

Ren Stevens:
Nobody else wanted to do it?

Mr. Walsh:
Exactly.

[Louis is using his house as a Bed & Brekafast]

Louis Stevens:
Of course the crown jewel of the garden cafe is the lovely Tawny Dean, she's the piano player here. We call her the human jukebox, because she knows all kinds of songs.

Kitna Twin:
Does she know "I hate this place, we should've gone to Hawaii?"

Tawny Dean:
[improvising a song] I hate this place / We should've gone to Hawaii / Where they say "aloha" / And roast little piggies.

Tom Gribalski:
Can you imagine skiing down those slopes with hot potatoes in your pockets?

[Louis and Twitty look at Tom strangely]

Tom Gribalski:
To keep your hands warm.

Steve Stevens:
Honey, whose turn is it to scream?

Eileen Stevens:
Yours.

Louis Stevens:
Mrs. Culpepper, I presume? What a nice jacket. How was your trip?

Mrs. Culpepper:
Miserable.

Louis Stevens:
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Well, we at Stevens Manor are all about you, the guest, and help you forget about all your problems! So come here! COME HERE! Give me a hug. Oh... [gives Mrs. Culpepper a hug. Mrs. Culpepper doesn't look all too comforted]

Mrs. Culpepper:
Sir... For the last time, just give me a glass of orange juice, send pulp!

Tom Gribalski:
Of course. 'Cause pulp's bad! Pulp's scary! Ooooh... Everybody, look out for the pulp!

Mrs. Culpepper:
Forget the juice! I'm turning in early.

Tom Gribalski:
Oh, would you like me to check your room for pulp?

Kitna Twin 2:
All you have is a ping pong table?

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, well, I never said anything about a table.

Louis Stevens:
It's almost 12 o'clock! They're all gonna want their money back.

Ren Stevens:
I know. Unless they don't know it's midnight.

Louis Stevens:
Unless they don't know it's midnight... Oh, I see where you're going! I see where you're going! [starts to laugh, as does Ren, Twitty, Tawny and Tom. After a while, they suddenly stops] Yeah, I don't really know where you're going with this.

Eileen Stevens:
Louis! Are you alright? How is your back?

Louis Stevens:
My... my back? My back? Yeah, yeah... I mean, it went out, but, uh... Then it came back in.

[last lines]

Steve Stevens:
Honey, who's turn is it to scream?

Eileen Stevens:
Yours.

Steve Stevens:
[yelling at the top of his lungs] REN! LOUIS!

Louis Stevens:
Listen, Ren, I know under article 4, I'm not supposed to talk to you tonight, but I thought you should know you have a tree growing out of your head.

Ruby Mendel:
Are you okay?

Ren Stevens:
I'm jinxed!

Ruby Mendel:
Ren, stop it! You're not jinxed.

Ren Stevens:
Oh, yeah, I am.

Ruby Mendel:
I told you, we're gonna clean you up, and you're gonna march out there and give it another shot!

Ren Stevens:
No, we're not.

Ruby Mendel:
Yes, you are.

Ren Stevens:
No, we're not!

Ruby Mendel:
Yes, you are!

Ren Stevens:
NO, WE'RE NOT!

Ruby Mendel:
WHY NOT?

Ren Stevens:
MY FOOT IS STUCK IN THE TOILET!

Ren Stevens:
It's really hard to like someone and not have them know how you feel.

Louis Stevens:
Hm.

Ren Stevens:
I know you can't relate to this now, but someday you will.

Louis Stevens:
Well, you'd be surprised.

Alan Twitty:
Do you actually know how to surf?

Louis Stevens:
I have the reflexes of a cat. And the dexterity of a jeweler. And... I can open my eyes under water.

Monique Taylor:
There's going to be a lot of B-O-Y-S!

Ruby Mendel:
And I hope they're C-U-T-E!

Ren Stevens:
And I-N-T-E-L-L-I-G-E-N-T! [Monique and Ruby look at her] That's intelligent. I thought we were spelling stuff.

Tom Gribalski:
[Twitty and the surfing gang tears down his sand castle] Well, at least they left the tower. [Louis comes from behind and crushes it with his board]

Louis Stevens:
What's up, guys! Thought the ocean would be bigger, huh?

Zack Estrada:
Yeah, nice one, Sir Jinx-a-lot.

Louis Stevens:
Sir What-a-lot?

Tawny Dean:
You really have a beautiful vision here, Tom.

Tom Gribalski:
Uh, no, actually it's not my vision. This castle was designed by the great King Felipe for his beloved fiance Sofia.

Tawny Dean:
Oh, that's so romantic!

Tom Gribalski:
Nah, not really. She disappeared shortly after the castle was completed and was never seen again. Felipe lived out the rest of his days in that empty castle. He was known as the Lonely King.

Tawny Dean:
Oh, that's so sad.

Tom Gribalski:
Nah, it's really more pathetic.

Ren Stevens:
It's like my dad always says: "Good, better, best. Never stop to rest till the good is better and the better best!"

Counceller:
Uh-huh...

Louis Stevens:
Oh, hi, Ren. Could I ask you something?

Ren Stevens:
You just did! Bye.

Louis Stevens:
Oh! The card.

Ernie Morton:
Uh-uh... I'll give you the card at the end of the day.

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, okay. Alright. No problem.

Ernie Morton:
Right after I give my goodbye kiss! [runs off to Ren]

Louis Stevens:
Problem!

Ren Stevens:
How could you! I have a reputation at school. How am I supposed to show my face there again? Hm?

Louis Stevens:
May I suggest plastic surgery?

Ren Stevens:
Louis! I'm going to twist you into a pretzel, break you into crumbs and feed you to the birds!

Alan Twitty:
She calls you a slug.

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, well, that's 'cause she loves me right down to the ground.

Teacher:
Louis Stevens! Is there a problem?

Louis Stevens:
No. I was just commenting that it's amazing how your favorite continent is my favorite continent too.

Teacher:
I'm certain it's one of the great mysteries of life. Perhaps you'd like to stay after class to explore this mystery a little further?

Louis Stevens:
No, that's alright. I'll just wait for the movie.

Tawny Dean:
Do you see this face, Louis? [wears a stoneface] This is me being funny.

Louis Stevens:
I was thinking about that time when we were little and all that stuff we used to do.

Ren Stevens:
No.

Louis Stevens:
Yeah. We were inseparable.

Ren Stevens:
Oh, that's right, that's right. We shared a playpen, and you vomited on me.

Louis Stevens:
Hm. Happy, happy times.

Tawny Dean:
You think your life is different. It's not. Your life is the same as her life, as his life, as all of their life. Too bad. For you, I mean. Because I'm an original, and you're not. And that's just... too bad.

[Louis is the only one applauding after Tawny's performance in the talent show]

Principal Conrad Wexler:
Did you understand that?

Louis Stevens:
Not a word. But, boy, is she hot, huh?

Coach Tugnut:
You know, Stevens, I'm glad you joined the team.

Louis Stevens:
Yeah?

Coach Tugnut:
Yeah, you don't smell so bad.

Louis Stevens:
Thanks, Coach. Always an inspiration.

Tom Gribalski:
[to Twitty and Tawny] You know, he's not just spreading water. He's spreading joy.

Jane:
Actually, I'm not a princess. My father's a duke.

Alan Twitty:
It's okay. I know how you feel. My dad can be like that too sometimes.

Louis Stevens:
[as Mike Hageman] On second thought, my bladder's only half full, or half empty... depending on your world view.

Alan Twitty:
[mops the floor at the burger shop] Well, Mike... I guess this didn't work out the way we thought it would, Mike! Heh-heh-heh.

Louis Stevens:
Yeah, man, the... The Mike thing is really not that funny anymore.

Tex Nagita:
Well hey now! Looks like you got your appetite back!

Alan Twitty:
[as Mike Hegemen] I guess so. Hey Tex, I got me some eatin to do here, so what do you say you wrassle me up a refill on this here orange soda, ok? Something wrong?

Tex Nagita:
You was drinkin... grape soda.

Alan Twitty:
Was I?

Tex Nagita:
Mmm-hmm.

Alan Twitty:
Well uh... I guess maybe all this meat has destroyed my abili-tye to recognize flavors, ok?

Tawny Dean:
I've never had a boyfriend before.

Louis Stevens:
Me neither.

Tom Gribalski:
Louis, your honor has been besmirched. A real man would march up to that Zach Estrada and box his ears.

Alan Twitty:
Uh, Tom? A real man would never say "box his ears".

Louis Stevens:
You gotta understand, I tried to be mature and cool. And, and the next thing I know I'm up on stage wearing Tom's pants. Look, I'm really sorry.

Tawny Dean:
So what are we supposed to do?

Louis Stevens:
Let's just say one of us might not be ready for a relationship.

Donnie Stevens:
[crying] When his eyes are open and when his eyes are closed. That's all the time!

Alan Twitty:
You and Tawny... It's beautiful.

Tawny Dean:
Hi.

Louis Stevens:
[nervously] HI!

Tawny Dean:
You look tired. Or something.

Louis Stevens:
Uh... Yeah, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. You know, a lot of tossing and turning. Thinking a lot of... about a... a lot of stuff.

Tawny Dean:
Yeah. Me too.

Louis Stevens:
Yeah? What kind of stuff were you thinking about?

Tawny Dean:
Uh, yesterday. Of what happened. In the cafeteria.

Louis Stevens:
So...?

Tawny Dean:
It was... very unexpected.

Louis Stevens:
[disappointed] Oh.

Tawny Dean:
Oh, but it was nice.

Louis Stevens:
[smiles] Oh.

Tawny Dean:
Look, Louis, I like you. I always have, since the first time I met you.

Louis Stevens:
Well, why didn't you tell me? We could be kissing up a storm!

Tawny Dean:
Well, I told myself that if it was meant to be, it would happen on its own. And it did. I've never had a boyfriend before.

Louis Stevens:
[nervously laughs] Me neither! [Tawny also laughs. Louis offers his hand, which Tawny takes, and they walk through the halls, hand in hand]

Coach Tugnut:
First girlfriend?

Louis Stevens:
Yep.

Coach Tugnut:
Get ready for a lifetime of pain.

Donnie Stevens:
You're eight years old, right?

Beans:
Yeah. So?

Donnie Stevens:
Okay, so you must be crying at least once every day?

Beans:
Half the time, I fake it.

Eileen Stevens:
Ren, you told me that if you could touch one person, it would all be worth it.

Ren Stevens:
Yeah? Who did I touch? [Eileen steps aside, which exposes Donnie crying]

Donnie Stevens:
"When his eyes are open, when when his eyes are closed. That's all the time!"

Tom Gribalski:
Wow! Fantastic. I've seen those kids, Mr. Stevens. Is that Mick Charmer, the Friendly Farmer?

Steve Stevens:
No, Tom. Actually, this is Mick Stinker, the Town Drinker.

Louis Stevens:
[a meat ball lands in his cup] Yeah! And it counts!

Alan Twitty:
[a meat ball lands in Tawny's cup] Oh! Right plus. I get an extra five points 'cause it landed in someone else's cup.

Louis Stevens:
Thanks a lot, Tawny.

Tawny Dean:
Don't you get tired of making up these stupid games?

Louis Stevens:
Yes, but then we just move on to another one.

Tom Gribalski:
Steve Stevens is a real deal!

Louis Stevens:
Steve Stevens? Steve Steven... Isn't that my dad's name?

Louis Stevens:
[Twitty is running around a tree] 2001... 2002... 2003... Alright, man! You beat my record by 2000.

Tawny Dean:
[after Louis' flashback of pushing his father into the water] It's obvious.

Louis Stevens:
Right.

Tawny Dean:
Don't you see the symbolism?

Louis Stevens:
Yes!... No.

Tawny Dean:
Louis, all these years, you've been pushing your father away.

Louis Stevens:
Hm. So you're saying that now it's time to pull him back?

Tawny Dean:
Very good!

Louis Stevens:
So, how do I go back doing that?

Tawny Dean:
Uhm... Take him out on something he likes to do.

Louis Stevens:
No, no. I can't do that. My dad likes dorky stuff, like wooden leprechauns, you know? You know anything else I can do?

Tawny Dean:
Time's up, that'd be five bucks. [Louis laughs] I'm serious.

Eileen Stevens:
Repeat after me: I am the master of the bike.

Ren Stevens:
[rolls her eyes] I am the master of the bike.

Eileen Stevens:
And what are you going to do?

Ren Stevens:
Well, I'm gonna ride the bike.

Eileen Stevens:
Ren, say it like you mean it.

Ren Stevens:
I'm gonna ride the bike.

Eileen Stevens:
Louder!

Ren Stevens:
I'm gonna ride the bike!

Eileen Stevens:
I can't hear you.

Ren Stevens:
I AM GOING TO RIDE THE BIKE!

Eileen Stevens:
Not so loud, honey.

Ren Stevens:
No, no, no. You don't understand. See, my brother just discovered prank calling.

Bobby Deaver:
Don't worry. I have a little brother too, he's in third grade.

Ren Stevens:
Well, mine just acts like it.

Tawny Dean:
Hey. Where is Twitty?

Louis Stevens:
He sprained his ankle when we chased after that limo.

Tawny Dean:
You know, I really thought that you guys would give up on me once we hit the freeway.

Louis Stevens:
Listen, I gotta tell you something. You and your dad... you guys really taught me a valuable lesson. I'm through with prank calls. I mean, I know you were just playing, but... they could really ruin someone's life.

Tawny Dean:
Wow, Louis, I'm impressed... I mean, that's a side of you I've never seen before.

Louis Stevens:
Well. You gotta roll sometimes, you know. Do you wanna skate with me?

Tawny Dean:
Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to.

[Louis is dreaming about him and Tawny ice skating. Suddenly, he rips her foot off with his blade. He wakes up, screaming]

Louis Stevens:
[calms down] Cool.

Beans:
How was Chicago?

Steve Stevens:
Windy.

Louis Stevens:
You're knocking the stuffing out of my mattress!

Donnie Stevens:
We're trying to, baby!

Donnie Stevens:
Beans, get out of here.

Beans:
Say that again, and I'm out!

Steve Stevens:
And where did you get that stupid hat?

Louis Stevens:
What hat? [Steve's head explodes]

Steve Stevens:
Mrs. Stevens? This is your husband. Why don't you step outside and see what daddy bought?

Donnie Stevens:
Please be convertible.

Ren Stevens:
A red one with leather seats.

Donnie Stevens:
Who cares, as long as it's not a... [sees the car] Mini...

Ren Stevens:
...Van.

Louis Stevens:
Dad, get off the car! Don't lean on that nerdmobile. People will think it's ours.

Steve Stevens:
Uncle Chuck is not your father. I am.

Louis Stevens:
Too bad.

[Louis believes someone has stolen his video tape]

Louis Stevens:
Oh, so it's going to be the "Louis, we have no idea what you're talking about" routine.

Steve Stevens:
Louis. We have no idea what you're talking about.

Ren Stevens:
May I please have permission to FedEx Louis to Timbuktu before June-Marie gets here?

Eileen Stevens:
Absolutely not. UPS is so much cheaper.

Donnie Stevens:
I have no idea what's going on here. I'm gonna go in the kitchen where the world makes sense.

Louis Stevens:
[to Ren] I have the right to question all the suspects. You.

Tom Gribalski:
This may look like an ordinary picture frame, right? Happy family, on vacation. Louis' fly is open.

Tawny:
Think it'll really work?

Tom Gribalski:
Pssh. Ahahaha. I hope so.

Donnie:
Hey Ren? Jewel's on the phone.

Ren Stevens:
I told you to hold my calls.

Donnie:
She is on hold. Duh.

Ren Stevens:
Mother, may I have permission to FedEx Louis to Timbuktu before June Marie gets here?

Eileen Stevens:
Absolutely not. UPS is so much cheaper.

Tom Gribalski:
Hey, Tawny, you think I could set up surveillances in your house sometime?

Louis Stevens:
Tawny doesn't have a home.

Tom Gribalski:
Oh.

Louis Stevens:
She lives on her bike. It's a long story, it's very tragic.

June Marie:
Great room. Clean. Good attention to feng shui. But do you know what I like most about it? It reminds me of my own room.

Ren Stevens:
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Louis Stevens:
Funniest thing happened to me today. I wanted to tell my sister she's being taken for a ride. Problem is, sis isn't too used to me telling true stories. So, you know, I'm realizing that every time I try to do something nice for tis family, nobody ever believes me. So now I got to figure out how to tell her... without telling her. The worst part is... I got a zit the size of a Volkswagen.

Ren Stevens:
Why didn't you tell me you found Mr. Pookie?

Louis Stevens:
Because, you know, you get all screamy, and mushy, jumping, crying, hugging... it's just horrible.

Ren Stevens:
All right.

[Hands Louis drumsticks]

Louis Stevens:
Ren, what am I supposed to do with the drumsticks? REN?

[Walks into family room where he sees a drum set]

Family:
SURPRISE.

Louis Stevens:
[Drops backpack] Oh... Thank you so much ma.

[Starts jumping, screaming, and crying while hugging the family]

Ren Stevens:
Thanks for not getting mushy.

Eileen Stevens:
Louis, where are your pants?

Louis Stevens:
[smiling and counting money] I sold them... for six bucks.

Louis Stevens:
Dad, I gotta talk to you about my drum set.

Steve Stevens:
You don't have a drum set!

Louis Stevens:
Exactly. But I figured out a way to solve this problem.

Steve Stevens:
And that would be...?

Louis Stevens:
I'm gonna let you buy it for me.

Ruby Mendel:
So, Scott, what's the deal with you and Sandy Smithers?

Scott Brooks:
We broke up two weeks ago. [Ruby kicks Ren in the foot]

Ren Stevens:
Ow! Uh, that's gotta hurt!

Ren Stevens:
I know I said I was growing up, but... I'm not, and I miss Mr. Pookie and I want him back! [cries]

Eileen Stevens:
Oh, sweetheart...

Steve Stevens:
Oh...

Eileen Stevens:
Come here. We all miss Mr. Pookie.

Steve Stevens:
Ren, I promise you that this family will do whatever it takes to get Mr. Pookie back. Isn't that right, Louis? Louis? [Louis is back to sleep, snoring]

Ren Stevens:
It's Mr. Pookie, he's back!

Donnie Stevens:
I can't believe he found his way home!

Steve Stevens:
Louis! You are not walking around with a vegetable garden on your head while your mother is running for Secretary of State.

Louis Stevens:
Ma, come on. You're a kid. You are. Now, you messed up. But it happens! Alright?

Ren Stevens:
What are you making?

Louis Stevens:
It's called the Eco-Bot 2000.

Ren Stevens:
Oh! What does it do?

Louis Stevens:
Well, I don't know yet, but it's got the coolest name!

Ren Stevens:
I can't believe Louis is working so hard! I actually think he's got his act together. Now, if I say that enough, maybe I'll start to believe it.

Tawny Dean:
Louis! You stole the wombat suit again? You should have told me, I would've done it with you. Okay, mascots are so annoying.

Louis Stevens:
You know, actually, um... I'm the mascot.

Tawny Dean:
[push Louis into the locker] Get outta here!

Louis Stevens:
Twitty, let's face it. Tawny's great. But she's a little girl! But, you see, Ms. Morgan... Ms. Morgan. She is a woman. And I... I'm a man.

Tawny Dean:
Twitty! Um, can I ask you a question? What's up with Louis?

Alan Twitty:
What do you mean?

Tawny Dean:
I don't know. He's been acting really weird lately, and he keeps blowing me off.

Alan Twitty:
Well, Louis... He's just going through a difficult phase right now, and he's taking a little time to get his head together.

Tawny Dean:
What, do you mean he actually took my advice and got some therapy?

Alan Twitty:
Kinda. Uh... He's going to Mascot Boot Camp.

Tawny Dean:
I give up.

Ren Stevens:
I got breakfast spirit, yes I do! I got breakfast spirit, how about you?

Steve Stevens:
I got breakfast spirit... Honey, come here for a second.

Ren Stevens:
What? What? What? What?

Steve Stevens:
Sit down.

Ren Stevens:
Sit down! Sit down! Sit down, sit down, sit down!

Louis Stevens:
No, Tawny, don't leave. I have to tell you something.

Tawny Dean:
What?

Louis Stevens:
You have the two most beautiful eyebrows I've ever seen.

Ren Stevens:
The only job I've ever had is a lemonade stand.

Ruby:
There you go, extensive food related experience.

Steve Stevens:
Lou, either you are gonna learn how to play those drums, or I will!

Eileen Stevens:
Steve, that makes no sense.

Ruby:
[after Ren catches three toasts at once] A Spinning Triple!

Hector:
She just made toast history!

[Squrielli looks over Ren's resume]

Norman Squirelli:
[to Ren] Impressive r?sum?.

Ren Stevens:
Thank you.

[Squirelli crumples up Ren's r?sum? in front of her]

Norman Squirelli:
[as he places a slice of toast into a toaster on his desk using tongs] You ever made toast before, Ren Stevens?

Ren Stevens:
Um... sure. Every morning.

Norman Squirelli:
I meant professionally.

Ren Stevens:
Oh... um. Well, I had a lemonade stand once and I thought about serving toast. But um...

[the two are rudely interrupted when an employee burst into Norman's office grabbing a fresh bag of bread]

Norman Squirelli:
Ren, forget everything that you *think* you know about making toast. Because we just don't *sell* toast. We sell a whole new world!

Norman Squirelli:
[struggles to get out from behind his desk and eventually succeeds] We sell fun... and... and... energy... and... and the whole toast lifestyle!

[as the toast pops out of the toaster, Norman grabs a plate and quickly spins around as the slice of toast lands perfectly on the plate]

Ren Stevens:
[amazed] Wow! You're really good!

Norman Squirelli:
[as he puts the plate down] It's all about professionalism.