Gossip Girl

Gossip Girl:
Speak of the devil and he doth appear - wearing his trademark scarf. Careful, B, hell hath no fury like a Chuck Bass scorned.

Chuck Bass:
I'm Chuck Bass.

Blair Waldorf:
3 words, 8 letters. Say it and I'm yours.

Blair Waldorf:
Game over.

Chuck Bass:
It's not over until I say it's over.

Blair Waldorf:
Well, have fun playing with yourself then.

Chuck Bass:
Let me be more succinct. You held a certain fascination... when you were beautiful, delicate, and untouched. Now... now you're like the Arabian my father used to own. Rode hard and put away wet. I don't want you anymore, and I can't see why anyone else would.

Blair Waldorf:
Look, if you were going to tell Nate you would have done so in Monaco but you don't want him to hate you and you know he would. Game over.

Chuck Bass:
Game's not over 'til I say it is.

Blair Waldorf:
Then have fun playing with yourself.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Hi, Chuck.

Chuck Bass:
Please, call me brother.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I need to talk to you.

Chuck Bass:
About getting knocked up? I must say I'm a little disappointed you weren't more careful.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair...

Blair Waldorf:
What? You want a lift to JFK?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Your mom said you were going to France tonight.

Blair Waldorf:
Well, she has a big mouth.

Serena van der Woodsen:
B, I'm your best friend. She was shocked I didn't know.

Blair Waldorf:
Well now you do.

Serena van der Woodsen:
What I know is how you felt when I left without telling you.

Blair Waldorf:
Is there a reason your here?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Stay. Don't let some stupid scandal make you run away like it did me. Like it does everyone in our world.

Blair Waldorf:
Everything's horrible. My whole life's falling apart.

Serena van der Woodsen:
So rebuild it. Your a Waldorf remember? People don't tell you who you are, you tell them. Stay and fight. I'll fight with you.

Blair Waldorf:
I'm so embarrassed. I'm so...

Serena van der Woodsen:
So what? Start over. It can be done. I should know. We'll get through this together.

Blair Waldorf:
You promise?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Promise.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Morning. Anybody notice the weather today?

Blair Waldorf:
What?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Take a look outside, B. My first response would be that the sky is a clear blue easy.

Blair Waldorf:
Dorota you may be excused now.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I can't believe you didn't tell me about you and Nate.

Blair Waldorf:
What did he say?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Nothing. Chuck did, when I went to see him because I thought maybe he could talk some sense into you.

Blair Waldorf:
You had no right to do that.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I was trying to help you B. I took a public bullet for you. Let another rumor about me run rampant, the whole school heard, even Dan.

Eleanor Waldorf:
What's going on?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Ask Blair. Her version of the story's always better. [looks at Blair] Fine. [Serena leaves]

Eleanor Waldorf:
You alright?

Blair Waldorf:
Never been better.

Eleanor Waldorf:
Well Serena has. What's wrong?

Blair Waldorf:
I don't know. I can't be held responsible for her mood swings.

Eleanor Waldorf:
Were you arguing about the possibility that your condition may have returned?

Blair Waldorf:
No and it hasn't.

Eleanor Waldorf:
I heard you. The other day in your bathroom with the water running.

Blair Waldorf:
I'm very stressed and with you and Serena down my throat I can hardly think straight, never mind keep food down.

Eleanor Waldorf:
Maybe you just need to take a little break, visit your father. Leon is beautiful this time of year.

Blair Waldorf:
Maybe this summer!

Eleanor Waldorf:
Summer sounds great, finish your breakfast.

Nate Archibald:
What are you doing here?

Blair Waldorf:
Your mom let me in.

Nate Archibald:
I didn't ask how you got in, I asked why you came.

Blair Waldorf:
To talk, about us.

Nate Archibald:
There's no "us", Blair.

Blair Waldorf:
Yes there is. We finally really have a chance to start over.

Nate Archibald:
You know all this time I felt so bad for everything I've done. And when you said you wanted to leave the past in the past I didn't know we were talking about YOUR past.

Blair Waldorf:
You had just broken my hear. I made a decision I was in no condition to make.

Nate Archibald:
But your clear-headed now right?

Blair Waldorf:
Yes.

Nate Archibald:
You understand perfectly when I say I want nothing else to do with you Blair. You and Chuck deserve each other.

Blair Waldorf:
You know Chuck would say anything, twist the truth.

Nate Archibald:
But Jenny wouldn't.

Blair Waldorf:
Jenny?

Nate Archibald:
And don't go blaming any of this on her Blair. I would've found out eventually. I said I'm done. It's over. Now would you please leave. [Blair just stands there] Fine, stay as long as you like, I'll leave.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Hey B what's up?

Blair Waldorf:
I can't believe you told Jenny about me and Chuck.

Serena van der Woodsen:
What, I, I didn't.

Blair Waldorf:
Because of her everybody knows the intimate details of my private life and now Nate's not speaking to me.

Serena van der Woodsen:
But I, I told you B, I didn't tell Jenny. I don't know how she found out.

Blair Waldorf:
Did you tell Dan?

Serena van der Woodsen:
What?

Blair Waldorf:
You did. You told your low rent boyfriend and he told his social-climbing sister who wears my hand-me-downs and she blabbed to Nate.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I can't believe your attacking Dan and Jenny.

Blair Waldorf:
Did you or did you not tell him?

Serena van der Woodsen:
I did but only because you weren't dealing with it and I wanted advice on how to help you.

Blair Waldorf:
I can't believe you don't get it. The rules are different for the Serena van der Woodsen's of the world. People expect you to party, and be wild, sleep with whoever you want, runaway, come back!

Serena van der Woodsen:
Wait, are we really going back there?

Blair Waldorf:
You shot your reputation to hell a long time ago! It doesn't matter what you do, but I'm a Waldorf!

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well since you and your reputation obviously don't need me and my low rent taste, you and the Waldorf name can whether this storm alone!

Blair Waldorf:
With pleasure.

Penelope:
Hey Jenny.

Jenny Humphrey:
Hi.

Hazel:
Are you joining us?

Jenny Humphrey:
Um... [Blair walks up]

Blair Waldorf:
What are you doing here?

Jenny Humphrey:
I was just leaving.

Penelope:
No stay. Blair given you can barely manage your own messy affairs surely your not in a position to tell anyone where they can and can't eat.

Blair Waldorf:
Do you realize who you're talking to?

Hazel:
You mean a self righteous b who always sat on her own high horse judging everyone else.

Penelope:
Pregnant little hypocrite.

Blair Waldorf:
Not that it's any of your business but I'm not pregnant.

Hazel:
Nate must be thrilled.

Penelope:
Chuck too.

Blair Waldorf:
What are you talking about?

Hazel:
The whole school saw them throwing down over your G-bass.

Penelope:
The boyfriend and the best friend.

Hazel:
Pretty classy.

Penelope:
Consider yourself dethroned queen bee. [Penelope and Hazel walk away]

Blair Waldorf:
Jenny, is highly unlikely that I will ever forgive you for going to Nate but if you walk away from me now, I will also ruin you.

Jenny Humphrey:
How are you gonna do that? [Jenny walks off]

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] What's the difference between gossip and scandal? So glad you asked UES forever. Anyone can commit a minor indiscretion and generate a day's worth of buzz, but in order for gossip to birth a true scandal, it requires the right person to be in the wrong place.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Take one "it" girl on a pedestal, add a crowd eager to see her fall, and give them the means to knock her down.

Blair Waldorf:
You're late. [Jenny just came to meet Blair on the steps on the Met]

Jenny Humphrey:
Yeah I know I had to drop off some books at the library, sorry.

Blair Waldorf:
Could you do me a favor?

Jenny Humphrey:
Anything.

Blair Waldorf:
Move down a couple steps.

Jenny Humphrey:
Ya know this whole hazing thing's getting a bit old don't you think be?

Blair Waldorf:
First of all the hazing stops when I say it stops and for future reference only my friends call me B.

Jenny Humphrey:
You know I'm actually gonna go. I have a lot of stuff to do before class.

Penelope:
Jenny...

Blair Waldorf:
Please she'll be back.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] And for a scandal to really blow up, all it needs is an unexpected turn.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Hey B.

Blair Waldorf:
What are you doing here?

Serena van der Woodsen:
In the neighborhood.

Blair Waldorf:
Can we talk later? Despite your best efforts to ruin it I'm actually having a good day and I don't want anything to spoil it. Guess who asked me to visit 'The Captain' with him?

Serena van der Woodsen:
I dunno Nate?

Blair Waldorf:
Yes, it's like he finally needs me and he isn't afraid to...

Serena van der Woodsen:
Look B I understand why your reluctant to burst your happy bubble but I'm not giving up.

Blair Waldorf:
Well sorry if unlike some people I haven't been on the pill since I was 15.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Ok I am giving up. Before you start planning your perfect night with Nate don't you think you should...

Blair Waldorf:
I'm not pregnant Serena!

Serena van der Woodsen:
Hello?

Blair Waldorf:
Hey S it's B. Two things, first I'm sorry. About Dan, about the Gossip Girl blast, and about not telling you about Nate.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Okay.

Blair Waldorf:
You were just so hard on me about Chuck I didn't want to be judged for sleeping with them both.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I understand. Apology accepted.

Blair Waldorf:
That was fast. If I were you I would've made me work for it a little bit harder.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well I think you've suffered enough.

Blair Waldorf:
And second thing...

Serena van der Woodsen:
Wait that's already like three things.

Blair Waldorf:
I took the test, I'm not pregnant!

Serena van der Woodsen:
OH, OH oh my gosh are you kidd ing me?

Blair Waldorf:
AAAHHHH! [laughing and screaming at the same time]

Serena van der Woodsen:
I'm so happy, you would've had no idea what to wear to a paternity herring.

Blair Waldorf:
Clean slate?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Clean state. I'm so happy, see you at school!

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Looks like the virgin queen isn't as pure as she pretended to be. Who's your daddy, B, baby daddy that is. Two guys in one week, talk about doing the nasty, or should I just say being nasty.

Nate Archibald:
[Nate comes up to Chuck and throws him on the limo] Did you sleep with her huh? You son of a b*tch I would've killed you!

Chuck Bass:
Look can we talk about this without your hands around my neck?

Nate Archibald:
Did you give it to her like you do those other girls?

Chuck Bass:
Yes Nathaniel! I took what Blair kept throwing at you and you kept throwing back!

Nate Archibald:
Oh for somehow you screwing Blair for sport is my fault?

Chuck Bass:
It wasn't for sport. She needed someone and I was there.

Nate Archibald:
Oh so you cared about her?

Chuck Bass:
You guys had broken up.

Nate Archibald:
For how long? A week? An hour?

Chuck Bass:
Look I am sorry alright, I know how long you and I have been best friends, okay?

Nate Archibald:
No it's not okay Chuck, from now on you just stay away from me.

Chuck Bass:
Nate...

Nate Archibald:
Did you hear what I said? You stay the hell away from me Chuck!

Chuck Bass:
Show's over!

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] One good scandal deserves another. Wonder who's going down next? Everybody if B has anything to say about it. You know you love me. Xoxo Gossip Girl.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Hey guys.

Kati Farkas:
Hey.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I'm not pregnant.

Kati Farkas:
Oh, cool.

Isabel Coates:
Congratulations.

Hazel:
Selibitory drinks after school?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Yeah sure, Blair can I talk to you?

Blair Waldorf:
Of course. Excuse me.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Did you get my text?

Blair Waldorf:
Of course, yes I did but...

Serena van der Woodsen:
So then you know I told Dan I'm not pregnant.

Blair Waldorf:
Yes and I am so happy for you, close call huh.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Are we really gonna play that old game B?

Blair Waldorf:
I have no idea what you're talking about.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Whenever something happens that's not a part of your plan you pretend like it doesn't exist. You act like you're in this movie about your perfect like and then I have to remind you the only one watching that movie's you. [pause] You admitted that your period was late.

Blair Waldorf:
Yes I've been very stressed I had that chem test on Friday.

Serena van der Woodsen:
And your acting like a total b*tch because you're not hormonal?

Blair Waldorf:
Maybe I am a total b*tch did you ever think about that?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Just take the test B. [Serena hands Blair a pregnancy test]

Blair Waldorf:
Stop it!

Blair Waldorf:
Just take the test. You need to know if you and Chuck are gonna have a baby.

[Serena leaves]

Blair Waldorf:
You're all I have left.

Chuck Bass:
Actually, you don't even have me.

Blair Waldorf:
Enough.

Chuck Bass:
I'll try to be more succinct. You held a certain fascination when you were beautiful, delicate and untouched. But now you're like... one of the Arabians my father used to own. Rode hard and put away wet. I don't want you anymore and I can't see why anyone else would.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Why the long face? Are you still sad Mom wouldn't let you go to Monte Carlo for the bachelor party?

Eric van der Woodsen:
No, I'm fine, I figured I'd let Bart, Chuck, and Prince Albert have their fun - ah, that didn't come out like I meant it.

Serena van der Woodsen:
These rumors are getting to be ridiculous.

Eric van der Woodsen:
Oh, like the one where I'm Gossip Girl.

Serena van der Woodsen:
[laughing] Hey, it made sense at the time, you have to admit!

Eric van der Woodsen:
It didn't make any sense.

Serena van der Woodsen:
It did! Yeah, it did.

Serena van der Woodsen:
It's a snub from one party, B. Plus, what's the big deal, anyway? You don't even like Asher.

Blair Waldorf:
I didn't like last season's Louis Vuitton patchwork bag, either, but that doesn't mean I wanna see it all over town on Jenny Humphrey's arm.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Touche.

Serena van der Woodsen:
What's wrong? You look stressed, even for you.

Dan Humphrey:
I'm still worried about Jenny.

Blair Waldorf:
You mean because she's self-obsessed, self-serving, self-centered, self...

Dan Humphrey:
No, no. I wish it was about her, and her self, but it's more about... who she's with. I can't get through to her. I tried, and she just completely blew me off. And she dissed my pants.

Blair Waldorf:
Maybe I underestimated her.

Lily van der Woodsen:
Well, if Serena's indiscretions were as PG as Jenny's, I wouldn't have needed the botox.

Lily van der Woodsen:
Really, Rufus, what were you thinking? You threw her a surprise birthday party and had her face painted on a cake with a tiara?

Rufus Humphrey:
It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Lily van der Woodsen:
So did flannel and acid wash-jeans, but they weren't flattering either.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Who're talking to?

Eric van der Woodsen:
Chuck.

Serena van der Woodsen:
You - called Chuck?

Eric van der Woodsen:
Yeah, I've been talking to him a lot lately. Guy's got his faults, but he's never judged me.

Rufus Humphrey:
[looking at the Scrabble board] Angry. Change. Trust. Girl. [looks at Dan] Something you wanna talk about?

Dan Humphrey:
Who'd have thought Scrabble could be so therapeutic? That last one was a triple word score.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] This just in, Asher Hornsby has been spotted locking lips before class but not with his girlfriend. Looks like gentlemen don't prefer blondes, Little J, they prefer other gentlemen. Is this just another round of blanks fired between B and Little J? I'm tired of being the bearer of bad grudges. This is the last item that goes to press without proof.

Jenny Humphrey:
Oh my God, wait, do you have a crush on me or something? Don't be embarrassed, it's totally understandable, and not that unexpected actually. I'm flattered, it's just, my heart belongs to Asher. I've gotta go, but text me, okay?

Georgina Sparks:
[as her good-alter ego Sarah] Seriously, you and Dan are so sweet to adopt me, I'd be a mess without you guys. Acually, more of a mess than I already am.

Vanessa Abrams:
Give her a break, Asher is her first love.

Dan Humphrey:
It's infatuation, it's not love.

Georgina Sparks:
Yeah, but to a 15-year-old girl I mean, there really isn't much of a difference.

Isabel Coates:
I am so glad Gossip Girl Got her balls back. She was so turning into the new Page 6.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Don't look so sad, Little J! The sun will come out tomorrow, even though your boyfriend did today.

Blair Waldorf:
My, my. If it isn't Little J, risen from the ashes.

Jenny Humphrey:
I came to tell you in person. You win

Blair Waldorf:
Oh sweetie, we just started to play.

Jenny Humphrey:
No, you don't understand. I'm done. With you, with them. All of it.

Blair Waldorf:
Just like that, you wave the white flag.

Jenny Humphrey:
I lied. And I stole. And I lost the respect of my family. For what? So I can be like you? You asked me before if it was all worth it. And my answer is: It's not.

Blair Waldorf:
I tried to warn you. There's a price to pay. I always knew a girl like you couldn't afford it.

Jenny Humphrey:
Well, you were right.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Chuck, yes, I'm still fine. I haven't heard from Georgina in two weeks, so if you'd stop calling me I'd finally be rid of all of my monsters. Bye!

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Spotted: Jenny Humphrey wading in the Met fountain fishing for change. Blair Waldorf seen dallying with an off-duty doorman at the Blarney Stone on a Monday night. It looks like the battle between the Queen B and Little J has moved from the streets to the blogs. Who's sending this debasing dish? I have a feeling.

Isabel Coates:
[to Jenny] To think, I almost asked you to wear a matching dress tonight!

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Don't look so sad, Little J. The sun will come out tomorrow, even though your boyfriend did today.

Georgina Sparks:
Well I had fun, how about you?

Serena van der Woodsen:
What do you want from me?

Georgina Sparks:
I want things to go back to how they were. Before that night. Before things got so screwed up. We were such good friends and now we can be again.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Why would I want to be friends with somebody who blackmails me, who outs my little brother at the dinner table?

Georgina Sparks:
Eric was an honest mistake, I would never hurt him.

Serena van der Woodsen:
No I don't believe you, I don't believe you about Eric about anything!

Georgina Sparks:
Maybe your right. Maybe I did it on purpose [scoffs] because I can. Because I know things, about you, about your family, about your boyfriend, and I know them before you do. [flags down a cab] Oh, look cab. You get home safe.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair... [Serena just entered Blair's house]

Blair Waldorf:
Serena what are you doing here it's late? [Serena starts to cry] Oh my god, what happened, what's wrong? Talk to me.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I can't.

Blair Waldorf:
Of course you can.

Serena van der Woodsen:
No, no B this is the one thing I can't tell you, I can't tell anyone.

Blair Waldorf:
I'm not anyone, I'm me. You can tell me anything.

Serena van der Woodsen:
No I can't because then that would make you a part of it and you can't be a part of this.

Blair Waldorf:
What are you talking about, your starting to scare me. [Serena crys more] Hey, hey, hey we're sisters. Your my family, what is you is me. There's nothing you could ever say to make me let go. I love you. What is it?

Serena van der Woodsen:
I killed someone.

Blair Waldorf:
Dan Humphrey, just who I hate to admit I was looking for. Your dirty.

Dan Humphrey:
What are you talking about?

Blair Waldorf:
Cheating, drinking, drugs, it's all fair game, but outing your sister's boyfriend is dark. How did squeaky clean Humphrey ever come up with that?

Dan Humphrey:
I didn't come up with anything.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh my god, you know something spill it.

Dan Humphrey:
Yeah I might have seen Asher kissing another guy.

Blair Waldorf:
So it's true. Who was he kissing?

Dan Humphrey:
I dunno I couldn't see but what does that even matter?

Blair Waldorf:
Right now Gossip Girl's credibility is the same as tensing mortifies after a few martinis, but if I can prove that his simplicity is more than just a rumor, then they'll break up. That's what you want isn't it?

Dan Humphrey:
Well yeah I guess.

Blair Waldorf:
Asher's just using your sister as a cover. It's your brotherly duty to save her before becoming the next Katie Holmes.

Dan Humphrey:
And your in this to help Jenny?

Blair Waldorf:
Motive is irrelevant as long as our in game is the same.

Dan Humphrey:
No Blair this is not a game to me okay. I don't want her to get hurt.

Blair Waldorf:
Well you should've thought that through before you told all of Manhattan that Jenny's a glorified hag.

Dan Humphrey:
You know what your on your own.

Blair Waldorf:
Suit yourself.

Blair Waldorf:
Whoever said that money doesn't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. Lucky for me I may have to go out tonight after all.

Lily van der Woodsen:
Where do you think your going?

Serena van der Woodsen:
I can't talk right now mom I'll explain later.

Lily van der Woodsen:
If you invite an old friend to our quiet family dinner I expect you to stay and eat. You know how I always loved when Georgina came around.

Georgina Sparks:
I ran into Lily in the lobby. You totally forgot to tell her I was coming over for dinner. [kisses Serena on the cheek] Did you get my present?

Asher Hornsby:
[smug] Whatever you found, it's not what it looks like.

Blair Waldorf:
It's always what it looks like. And judging from the texts' and photos' it looks like a little more than friendship.

Blair Waldorf:
My, my, if it isn't little J risen from the ashes.

Jenny Humphrey:
I came to tell you in person. You win.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh, sweetie, we just started to play.

Jenny Humphrey:
No, you don't understand. I'm done. With you, with them, with all of it.

Blair Waldorf:
Just like that? You wave the white flag.

Jenny Humphrey:
I lied, and I stole, and I lost the respect of my family, for what? So I can be like you? You asked me before if it was all worth it. And my answer is it's not.

Blair Waldorf:
I tried to warn you. There's a price to pay. I always knew a girl like you couldn't afford it.

Jenny Humphrey:
Well you were right.

Blair Waldorf:
Well you put up a good fight... for a freshman.

Jenny Humphrey:
Thanks.

Blair Waldorf:
Hope you don't expect a hug.

Jenny Humphrey:
I don't expect anything anymore.

Charlie Rhodes:
I never wanted to have to tell you this, but for some time now... I've been pretending to be... Ivy Dickens.

Dan Humphrey:
I could easily spend the rest of my life obsessing about why Serena didn't invite me to that party, I mean, she... she... she really should have invited me to that party... It's like she wants me to stay an outsider for the rest of my life. First she kills my movie, and then she kills my social life...

Chuck Bass:
You ever thought it might be your own fault?

Dan Humphrey:
[pauses] No.

Chuck Bass:
Humphrey, you wrote an entire novel about being an outsider. It's how you define yourself. But if that's not who you wanna be anymore, the only person who can change that, is you. What you need to do is stop with the neurotic navel gazing, and start being like our friend Neo here. The man of action. [two beautiful women come in] It just so happens that action and her friend are begging you to take them into Nate's bedroom while I take monkey for a stroll. [Chuck gets up and leaves for the bedroom. Dan takes the rest of his drink, then he looks up at the women]

Beautiful Woman:
Hi. [Dan just stares at them]

[Dan is talking to a group of people in the elevator while drinking from a flask]

Dan Humphrey:
Okay! Yeah. I'm... as you can tell by my casual attire, I'm... I'm crashing this party, but... but it's only because I needed to stop whining, start becoming a man of action. And a man of action wouldn't just do nothing. A man of action would, uh, would show up and finally confront the person he's been meaning to have a conversation with for a very long time now. I wouldn't expect you to understand what I'm saying. Who the hell are you people anyway? [pauses as they leave, then mumbles] Must be friends of the groom.

Chuck Bass:
Why don't you tell me why you antagonize Blair at her own wedding shower?

Dan Humphrey:
I was just... I was just trying to take some action, man, like you said. But it didn't work.

Chuck Bass:
Let's be clear. I told you to get some ass, not make one of yourself.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair, Blair wait where are you going? Blair, wait why are you so mad?

Blair Waldorf:
Why am I mad? You mean why aren't I furious! I can't believe for one second I thought it would be different this time.

Serena van der Woodsen:
You thought what would be different?

Blair Waldorf:
You couldn't deal with the spotlight shining on me for once could you?

Serena van der Woodsen:
What are you talking about? I was told we were doing this together. What did you not get my message?

Blair Waldorf:
What about this morning then? When you glanced at the call sheet, did you see my name on it. When I wasn't in hair and makeup didn't that seem strange? When the dressing room only had your name on the door, what did you think they just forgot?

Serena van der Woodsen:
I was told you were running late and they asked me to do some tests shots first. Blair they told me you wanted me here.

Blair Waldorf:
And you believe them?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Look Blair I encouraged you to do this. Why would I try to steal something from you that I pushed you to do?

Blair Waldorf:
Because you take everything from me! Nate, my mom!

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair!

Blair Waldorf:
You can't even help it, it's who you are. I just thought maybe this time it would be different. I should've known I'd be wrong.

Chuck Bass:
As much as I love hearing about not needing material things from a guy with *that* much product in his hair, this party is about excess.

Chuck Bass:
Are you high? He looks like Matthew McConaughey between movies.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh God, forgot what it was like to be with you. [Serena and Blair pass two guys looking at them]

Serena van der Woodsen:
No they were looking at both of us.

Blair Waldorf:
Don't insult me. It's been like this all morning starting with your lovely visit with my mother. She didn't even call me to tell me I was coming home.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well she was busy, she was rushing to get home and everything, because she wanted to see you.

Blair Waldorf:
She didn't even wake me up.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well you know how Eleanor feels about beauty rest.

Blair Waldorf:
She likes you more than me.

Serena van der Woodsen:
She does not you're her daughter. She doesn't like anyone more than you she just, I dunno doesn't know how to show it sometimes.

Blair Waldorf:
Okay, I'm going inside. Wait for me I'll be right back.

Chuck Bass:
What is Carter still doing here?

Nate Archibald:
I invited him.

Chuck Bass:
Or he invited himself that is his style. Begging us to break free of our prisms while stuffing his face with free food and draining our booze. He's a deadbeat and a hypocrite.

Nate Archibald:
And a good ball player if I remember right. You sure you just don't want to lose to him now Chuck?

Carter Baizen:
Maybe if your daddy bought you a basketball team instead of a hotel you'd have some skill.

Chuck Bass:
Look this is the last weekend for juniors not senior citizens go jump into a volcano.

Carter Baizen:
We'll just settle it on the court.

Chuck Bass:
Settle it right now.

Nate Archibald:
Hey chill out!

Chuck Bass:
No! This is my game I pick the players.

Carter Baizen:
I get it, I'll go.

Nate Archibald:
Hey, hey man is that card game tonight.

Carter Baizen:
Yeah.

Nate Archibald:
Text me the address later.

Carter Baizen:
I will. [Carter leaves]

Nate Archibald:
You didn't have to do that man!

Chuck Bass:
Nobody wanted him here. He's an older brother bringing everyone down.

Nate Archibald:
Let's just play some ball.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Spotted: Lonely Boy's rude awakening. Upper East Side queens aren't born at the top, they climb their way up in heels no matter who they have to tread on to do it.

Blair Waldorf:
Did you choose Serena over me? You could've picked a stranger; you didn't have to choose my best friend. What, you think I wouldn't have found out?

Eleanor Waldorf:
I was going to tell you tonight at dinner. There was no right decision. There wasn't any time. I know you can understand all this. It was mishandled, the whole thing from top to bottom.

Blair Waldorf:
You actually want me to agree with you.

Eleanor Waldorf:
Bendel's will legitimize this company. It will take everything to the next level, you know how hard I have worked for that. You've always been my biggest supporter, my biggest fan.

Blair Waldorf:
I'm your daughter.

Eleanor Waldorf:
And as my daughter, I knew that you would forgive me, in time, but if my company had lost this deal because of you, I'd never forgive myself.

Blair Waldorf:
I hope you never do.

Serena van der Woodsen:
So, you were right.

Blair Waldorf:
I know.

Serena van der Woodsen:
When I got that call I should've known you had nothing to do with it and I should never had pushed you to do this whole thing in the first place.

Blair Waldorf:
Actually I'm glad you pushed me. It ended up being a very important day for me. I just thought it was gonna be more fun.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I know me too. [the girls hug] Hey you know what, who says it still can't be? Come on, come on! [the girls run off and steal Blair's mom's clothes]

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] You didn't hear it from us but in every girl's life there comes a moment when she realizes that her mother just might be more messed up than she is.

Dan Humphrey:
I don't know about Serena, Dad. I can't tell if she's worth it.

Rufus Humphrey:
What do you mean?

Dan Humphrey:
Well, uh, she's best friends with this girl, Blair Waldorf, who is basically everything I hate about the Upper East Side distilled into one 95-pound, doe-eyed, bonmot-tossing, label-whoring package of girly evil.

Rufus Humphrey:
[chuckling] No one's that bad.

Dan Humphrey:
She is. I would barely be exaggerating if I told you Medusa wants her withering glare back.

Blair Waldorf:
Serena sent you here to talk to me?

Dan Humphrey:
No believe it or not I actually came here myself.

Blair Waldorf:
Normally I wouldn't be this close to you without a tetanus shot.

Chuck Bass:
[to the boys attending his weekend-long exclusive party] You eat what I provide, practice what I preach and 'till I say so, the only girls you talk to are the ones I've paid for.

Chuck Bass:
Stop talking. Start partying.

Chuck Bass:
[speech to kick-off a weekend-long party] You've lived through Ivy Week and hopefully gained entry to the college of your choice. Now, let's ruin those chances.

Photographer:
[after seing Blair's photoshoot] How's the client going to like the dress if the model doesn't even like herself?

Rufus Humphrey:
[surprised to see Lily] It's been almost 20 years.

Lily van der Woodsen:
And you still don't know women.

Serena van der Woodsen:
[after Blair answered her phone and mocked Dan] I'm so, so sorry about that.

Dan Humphrey:
And I'm so, so ready to hang up.

Dan Humphrey:
You could have died.

Chuck Bass:
Is being dead so much worse than being nothing?

Dan Humphrey:
[to Chuck] How about instead of pain, you try to feel good things? I could tickle you.

Dan Humphrey:
Even Blair Waldorf cannot bend DNA to her will.

[last lines]

Blair Waldorf:
I don't wanna lose everything.

Dan Humphrey:
You'll still have me.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Maybe it's not bloodbonds that make us a family. Perhaps it's the people who know our secrets and love us anyway, so we can finally be ourselves. XO, XO, Gossip Girl.

Eleanor Waldorf:
Blair, he left us

Blair Waldorf:
No mom he left you.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Wait, you slept with him?

Blair Waldorf:
Shh!

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair!

Blair Waldorf:
What happened to no judging?

Serena van der Woodsen:
I'm not, but I thought you wanted to wait. I thought you wanted to make things special.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh, so Nate gets the free pass and I'm the slut?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Tell me you didn't sleep with Chuck for revenge.

Blair Waldorf:
Well it wasn't because I liked his natural musk. Besides, nothing hurts more than sleeping with the best friend, right S?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Way to prove a point.

Blair Waldorf:
I mean who gets wasted on thanksgiving?

Serena van der Woodsen:
The holidays are lonely for people I wanted to keep them company. Whoo hoo!

Blair Waldorf:
Your mom is freaking out, so my mom is freaking out.

Serena van der Woodsen:
What which means you freak out? Blair just cut the cord, go nuts, come on let's do shots! Come on!

Blair Waldorf:
I told Lily that you were buying a pie.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Ooh, pie!

Blair Waldorf:
Where is your purse?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Uhh my purse?

Blair Waldorf:
Oh, great alright. You stay here okay. I'm gonna go look. Don't drink or hit on anything.

Eleanor Waldorf:
Blair, you haven't touched your food. My darling what has gotten into you?

Blair Waldorf:
Well, I was going to wait until after dinner but I guess now is as good as time as any. Did you call daddy and say that I didn't want to see him this thanksgiving?

Eleanor Waldorf:
Of course not! What a ridiculous accusation.

Blair Waldorf:
So you didn't tell him that I was so angry at him for leaving, that I didn't even wanna talk to him today? You would know not to invite him.

Eleanor Waldorf:
When are you gonna get it through your head, he left us.

Blair Waldorf:
He didn't leave us, he left you.

Eleanor Waldorf:
That's enough! That's enough. If you wanna take this up with me we can discuss it later after our guests have left. Right now you either eat or you leave the table.

Blair Waldorf:
I told you I'm not hungry!

Eleanor Waldorf:
Or maybe dessert will change your mind.

Blair Waldorf:
Where's daddy's pie? I don't see his pumpkin pie.

Eleanor Waldorf:
Well, there was so many delicious choices coming from the caterer, we just sent that one down to the doorman. What is thanksgiving afterall? Now choose one of those amazing desserts.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Mom is such a hypocrite and all these years she's been writing me about my behavior.

Eric van der Woodsen:
And here she's just mad at you for being her.

Dan Humphrey:
And all the time my dad has given me this advice based on this girl he dated, this girl a lot like Serena.

Jenny Humphrey:
It's her mom.

Blair Waldorf:
When you think about it, it makes total sense that your mom was a groupie. I mean only a woman that had completely satisfied her sexual appetite in her youth would ever marry your step-dads.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair can we not talk about my mom's appetite?

Dan Humphrey:
Yeah, or, or who satisfied them.

Serena van der Woodsen:
It's just...

Dan Humphrey:
So...

Jenny Humphrey, Eric van der Woodsen:
Gross! [Jenny and Eric say in unison]

Serena van der Woodsen:
Yeah!

Jenny Humphrey:
No...

Serena van der Woodsen:
Mom is such a hypocrite. And all these years, she's been riding me about my behavior.

Eric van der Woodsen:
And here, she's just mad at you for being her.

Dan Humphrey:
And all this time my dad has been giving me advice based on a girl he dated... a girl "a lot like Serena."

Jenny Humphrey:
Her mom.

Blair Waldorf:
If you think about it, it makes total sense that your mom was a groupie. I mean, only a woman that had completely satisfied her sexual appetite in her youth would ever marry your step dads.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair, can we not talk about my mom's appetite?

Dan Humphrey:
No, or who satisfied her.

Serena van der Woodsen:
That's just...

Serena van der Woodsen, Eric van der Woodsen, Dan Humphrey, Jenny Humphrey:
Gross!

[first lines]

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] As per Gossip Girl's Thanksgiving tradition, I'm trading in my laptop for stovetop. And for the next 16 hours, the only thing I'm dishing is seconds. When the cat's away, the mice will play. Have fun, little rodents.

Blair Waldorf:
I wanted a Harry Winston choker for my birthday. Instead I got a conscience.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Poor little orphan Jenny, looks like she needs a Daddy Warbucks, but Daddy Warbucks don't grow on trees. At least on a tree that grows in Brooklyn.

Blair Waldorf:
Dorota, are you insane?

Dorota:
I don't know.

Blair Waldorf:
You used the everyday china. Cyrus will think we're just common upper-middle class. Get the Auberge and hurry up!

Aaron Rose:
Well, I'm seeing lots of people. I don't know how it works in high school, but I like to date more than one person at a time.

Blair Waldorf:
I am Grace Kelly, Grace Kelly is me.

Blair Waldorf:
Screw Grace Kelly. I need a scheme.

Dorota:
Oh no...

Blair Waldorf:
That tiny man must have a secret I can exploit.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Plenty of women have been both lover and muse to famous artists. Like Picasso.

Blair Waldorf:
Serena, a guy starts out in his blue period and everything's great. But it's only a matter of time until he's all into cubism and it's some other girl's eye coming out of her forehead.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Okay, I'm going to go.

Blair Waldorf:
Wait, what about the gnome? I have to take him down!

Blair Waldorf:
How can you possibly love Cyrus? He's all the things you hate! He uses the wrong fork, he slurps his soup, he wears sport socks! He is short, and pushy! He's nothing like daddy.

Blair Waldorf:
He's totally unsuitable.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Who?

Blair Waldorf:
Cyrus. He's five feet tall. He has a catchphrase. And he's a hugger. I was expecting Cary Grant and I got Danny DeVito!

Blair Waldorf:
You're still here.

Cyrus Rose:
I sent my driver to dinner because I thought I would be at the party ringing in your birthday.

Blair Waldorf:
You threw in the towel rather easily. I expected a harder fight.

Cyrus Rose:
I'm smart enough to know that getting into a war with Eleanor's daughter is never gonna result in a victory.

Blair Waldorf:
So, you retreated with dignity.

Cyrus Rose:
Who says I gave up?

Blair Waldorf:
Oh my god. You out maneuvered me. You deliberately let me win, counting on the fact that Cyndi Lauper would prey on my emotions.

Cyrus Rose:
I'm a lawyer. I do think a few moves ahead. Some of us can't rely entirely on our looks, you know.

Blair Waldorf:
Well done.

Cyrus Rose:
Not enough!

Blair Waldorf:
Fine. You're a genius. You better be good to my mother, or I'll be coming for you.

Cyrus Rose:
Those are fair terms.

Blair Waldorf:
Now, come upstairs and stand next to me while I tell my mom the whole truth about The Golden Lion. She'll be furious with me. So, I may need an attorney.

Cyrus Rose:
Oh!

[Cyrus hugs Blair. Blair grimaces, smiles, then shakes her head]

Blair Waldorf:
You're not what I had in mind.

Cyrus Rose:
Well, you're not what I had in mind.

Vanessa Abrams:
So you ratted on Blair? You Templeton!

Gossip Girl:
But most times it takes just one person, who is truly afraid to show what they feel, getting an opportunity they never thought possible.

Gossip Girl:
Poor Chuck Bass, you made your bet, now you have to lie on it.

Blair Waldorf:
Bet's off.

Chuck Bass:
But the game's not over.

Blair Waldorf:
I'm calling it on account of boredom. You were right Vanessa's not worth playing with.

Chuck Bass:
Maybe she is maybe she isn't. Why the sudden change of heart?

Blair Waldorf:
Like I said the whole thing is dull. Persuing Vanessa is beneath us both.

Chuck Bass:
You think I'm going in for the kill and worried that your going to have to go through with what you promised.

Blair Waldorf:
I'm not worried... about... that.

Chuck Bass:
Well then what?

Blair Waldorf:
Then... nothing... just... forget it.

Gossip Girl:
Careful B, one thing about making a deal with the devil - he always comes to collect.

Penelope:
Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey how many times must we tell you? As one of the girls of the steps, you represent Constance royalty.

Isabel Coates:
So it should come as no surprise that many girls before you have gotten the ax when their choices reflected poorly on us.

Kelsey:
I didn't realize. [crying]

Blair Waldorf:
That tights are not pants? Honestly?

Chuck Bass:
Deal's off.

Blair Waldorf:
What? What are you talking about?

Chuck Bass:
I'm out. I don't know what I was thinking about. Pretending to buy some Brooklyn down bar.

Blair Waldorf:
But you promised to seduce Vanessa, she needs to be destroyed.

Chuck Bass:
She's your problem. Humphrey doesn't warrant this.

Blair Waldorf:
The great Chuck Bass is just gonna give up.

Chuck Bass:
No no no, there's no shame if the prize isn't worth it. You do your own dirty work. There's not enough in it for me.

Blair Waldorf:
Well what if I made it worth it? [looks at him seductively]

Chuck Bass:
What are you talking about?

Blair Waldorf:
I think you know.

Chuck Bass:
Your not serious. [she nods her head yes] My, my that girl has gotten under your skin.

Blair Waldorf:
The question is Bass, will you?

Chuck Bass:
Aren't you the least bit worried I'll succeed? [starts untying Blair's robe]

Blair Waldorf:
Do we have an agreement?

Chuck Bass:
Oh we have a deal.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Let them discipline the sibling that actually deserves it.

Blair Waldorf:
You mean Chuck? [Blair slightly smiles and notices Serena looking at her] What?

Serena van der Woodsen:
You smiled.

Blair Waldorf:
No I didn't! I hate Chuck! Don't make me lost my appetite.

Gossip Girl:
This just in: Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass placing a wager on the take down of Lonely Boy's BFF. [pause] We think we've heard this story before and we're pretty sure it ended up with everyone dead.

Chuck Bass:
Waving the white flag are we?

Blair Waldorf:
Not exactly. I have a proposition for you.

Chuck Bass:
I'll say yes.

Blair Waldorf:
That little troll Vanessa is working my last nerve.

Chuck Bass:
Not what I expected.

Blair Waldorf:
And then I realized, this could benefit both of us.

Chuck Bass:
You had me until troll.

Blair Waldorf:
Dan stole your best friend, now you can steal his. Seduce and destroy.

Chuck Bass:
What's in it for me?

Blair Waldorf:
The thrill of the impossible. The only person Vanessa loathes more than me is you. It'll be one for the ages.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oh, I forgot to put on underwear!

Vanessa Abrams:
I can make you help me, ya know.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh makes jokes too. [scoffs]

Vanessa Abrams:
Everyone knows you and Marcus broke up but no one knows why. [shows picture on her phone of Marcus and Catherine kissing]

Blair Waldorf:
Even you wouldn't stoop that low.

Vanessa Abrams:
[laughs] Blackmail seems to work so well for you, so maybe I'm missing out.

Vanessa Abrams:
Blair, you got a minute?

Blair Waldorf:
Sixty seconds - clock it.

Blair Waldorf:
Poor Chuck, what is life without a friend to share it? Oh, it looks like you just lost yours to Dan Humphrey.

Chuck Bass:
Who cares. I'd rather talk about who you lost yours to anyway.

Blair Waldorf:
Nuh-huh been there done that. Been decontaminated.

Chuck Bass:
We both know you'll do it again. It's just a question of when.

Blair Waldorf:
The answer is never.

Chuck Bass:
Were inevitable Waldorf.

Blair Waldorf:
Despite whatever vestige attraction my body may have for you, my brain knows better and yours should too. I gotta go. I've got a disciplinary hearing.

Chuck Bass:
Well I knew you were trouble but a hearing? Impressive.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh, it's not for me.

Chuck Bass:
Humphrey, never a pleasure.

Dan Humphrey:
Oh good we actually agree on something.

Chuck Bass:
Archibald, isn't it about time you ended this bromance? What happens at Yale stays at Yale.

Nate Archibald:
Hey man let's go. [Nate and Dan walk off leaving Chuck behind]

Blair Waldorf:
What took you so long?

Chuck Bass:
If you thought that was long, you have no idea what you're in for.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oops! I forgot to put on underwear!

Serena van der Woodsen:
What? I'm not doing anything, I thought we were just sharing memories of what a close family we are. I remember this one time, um, when I was eleven, Eric and I wanted a white Christmas, luckily, Mom's husband was a raging coke-head so he left blow everywhere!

Lily van der Woodsen:
Oh my god...

Eric van der Woodsen:
It wasn't everywhere, just on the smooth, shiny surfaces.

Lily van der Woodsen:
Eric, my darling, you are always honest with me. It isn't true, is it?

Eric van der Woodsen:
I know Serena's timing sucked... but she did pretty much raise me all those years.

Lily van der Woodsen:
Oh...

Eric van der Woodsen:
You just weren't here, you know?

Lily van der Woodsen:
...I wasn't that bad!

Eric van der Woodsen:
Our ringtone for you was Since U Been Gone. Vanya the doorman used to sign our permission slips from school.

Lily van der Woodsen:
Well, there was a lot going on in my life. And I did the best I could - just like I'm doing now.

Eric van der Woodsen:
But now it's like you want us to go from zero to Brady in sixty seconds. We're not there yet.

Lily van der Woodsen:
Oh, I know, but I just thought if...

Eric van der Woodsen:
You don't become a family just by telling people you are; you become a family because you wanna be one.

Blair Waldorf:
Chuck, NYU is not the Upper East Side. They don't care about Constance, or social hierarchy. They don't care that I'm Blair Waldorf! It's over.

Chuck Bass:
How can you do this to me?

Blair Waldorf:
What are you talking about?

Chuck Bass:
I'm Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You're saying I'm easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual homesick malcontents. You really insult me like that?

Blair Waldorf:
That's not how it is.

Chuck Bass:
It's exactly how it is. The next time you forget you're Blair Waldorf, remember I'm Chuck Bass. And I love you.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Here's an inside tip, Little J: The faster you rise, the harder you fall. Hope that Hello Kitty sleeping bag doubles as a parachute.

Blair Waldorf:
[after Serena tells her she'll try to stop by the sleepover after her date with Dan] I'm not a stop along the way; I'm a destination

Dan Humphrey:
If it's a real Dan Humphrey date you want, it's a real Dan Humphrey date you're gonna get

Dan Humphrey:
[after seeing his little sister in a minidress at a club] The only thing causing a problem is that cocktail napkin you're wearing.

Blair Waldorf:
Fashion knows not of comfort

Jenny Humphrey:
So Eric's here, now it's your turn. Truth or dare?

Blair Waldorf:
You have to ask?

Jenny Humphrey:
I dare you to make out with that guy.

Blair Waldorf:
Easy.

Jenny Humphrey:
And mean it.

Blair Waldorf:
Watch and learn little Humphrey. [walks over to kiss the stockbroker guy] [the friend of the guy says he hopes Amanda doesn't find out]

Blair Waldorf:
Who's Amanda?

Club Stockbroker:
Just my girlfriend.

Blair Waldorf:
Amanda never has to know does she.

Club Stockbroker:
I'm not tellin' her! [laughs with his friends]

Blair Waldorf:
Look what I got. [stole stockbroker's phone] I dare you to call his girlfriend, her name's Amanda.

Jenny Humphrey:
Done and done. [calls Amanda] Hello? Amanda, hi this is Bl... Claire. Yeah, I just had my tongue down your boyfriend's throat and he neglected to tell me you existed until after it was over. Just thought you should know. He's a real catch! Bye. [the girls laugh]

Blair Waldorf:
Alright, sleepover of the year!

Amanda:
Where is she?

Club Stockbroker:
Baby, what, who, I'm here at the club with the guys. [walks over to Blair] Hey! Excuse me, hello? Where's my phone?

Dan Humphrey:
Hey, hey let go of her.

Club Stockbroker:
Who the hell are you?

Blair Waldorf:
His phone is at our table. If you weren't so drunk and drooling over every girl in this place you would've seen that.

Amanda:
I'm gonna kill you!

Blair Waldorf:
Oh you must be Amanda right? Well I would think twice before marrying him 'cause he's a pig. [Amanda lunges at Blair but Serena stops her]

Serena van der Woodsen:
Hey, hey, hey back off of her okay?

Blair Waldorf:
I don't need you to defend me.

Jenny Humphrey:
I wasn't even her who called you it was me.

Dan Humphrey:
Jenny?

Amanda:
So she's the one with the tongue?

Dan Humphrey:
Tongue, tongue! What are you even doing here your supposed to be at a sleepover.

Amanda:
You made out with a girl from a sleepover?

Dan Humphrey:
You made out with him?

Club Stockbroker:
I made out with her. [looks at Blair]

Blair Waldorf:
Eww. It was a dare.

Amanda:
A dare? What are you children?

Dan Humphrey:
Yeah pretty much she's 14. [looking at Jenny]

Amanda, Club Stockbroker:
14! [Amanda and stockbroker say in unison]

Club Stockbroker:
Jesus I swear, I had no idea baby. I mean look at her, I mean she's jailbangin'.

Dan Humphrey:
What, what's that?

Jenny Humphrey:
Dan stay out of it okay? Your just causing more problems than your solving.

Dan Humphrey:
The only thing causing a problem is the cocktail napkin your wearing.

Club Stockbroker:
That's what I'm talkin' about!

Blair Waldorf:
What was that I heard? Erik's coming home? It's perfect timing.

Serena van der Woodsen:
How so?

Blair Waldorf:
Well it gives your mother and brother time to bond alone tonight while you get drunk on schnapps and moon the NYU doors from the limo.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair what are you talking about?

Blair Waldorf:
S it's only the most important night of the fall.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oh, the sleepover.

Blair Waldorf:
I prefer soiree. Sleepover is so sophomore year.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Look you know I can't go to that I have that plan.

Blair Waldorf:
Serena, when there's a Waldorf soiree, there's nothing else in the social calendar.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair the plan is Dan. Remember the guy you realized who's actually a human being and worthy of your time and attention? No offense. [in reference to Jenny's brother]

Jenny Humphrey:
None taken.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Look I'm really sorry but this date is unbreakable. Maybe we can swing by later or something...

Blair Waldorf:
I'm not a stop along the way I'm a destination and if you refuse to attend I'm gonna have to find a replacement, girls the waiting list.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Ok, um well I should get going.

Blair Waldorf:
Little Jenny Humphrey, why didn't I think of you before? You have no plans your coming to the soiree.

Jenny Humphrey:
Me, really?

Kati Farkas, Isabel Coates:
Her really? [Kati and Isabel say in unison]

Blair Waldorf:
The thing is, if you come, you'll have to be up to a little more than just sleeping.

Jenny Humphrey:
I'm up for anything!

Blair Waldorf:
My place. Seven o'clock sharp.

Jenny Humphrey:
Okay, bye!

Blair Waldorf:
Oh, a girl's first sleepover. Something she'll never forget, let's make sure of it.

Harper:
Taking bets on how long she lasts.

Maya:
Fifty bucks says an hour and not one minute more.

Blair Waldorf:
Let's wrap this up shall we. Truth or dare? Oh, and you already used your truth.

Jenny Humphrey:
So... dare?

Blair Waldorf:
I dare you to jailbreak Erik.

Jenny Humphrey:
Blair...

Blair Waldorf:
It's perfect. You want in and he wants out. What's it gonna be? Do or die little J.

Jenny Humphrey:
Let's do it.

Jenny Humphrey:
Catch. [throws Blair her keys]

Blair Waldorf:
Jenny? Well, well looks like you came to play afterall. You know which trundle bed is yours. Sleep tight. You've earned it.

Jenny Humphrey:
Actually I'm going home but thanks for inviting me it was a blast.

Blair Waldorf:
What do you mean you're going home? Nobody ever leaves a sleepover.

Jenny Humphrey:
Well I guess there's a first for everything. Oh and I'm keeping the jacket if that's okay with you. Monday lunch on the steps?

Blair Waldorf:
Done and done.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Spotlight on little J. Now put to the test by one queenbee. Will J take the bait and go from Brady to Britney? Or will her goodie to shoes mind set turn into the night's biggest buzz kill?

Blair Waldorf:
[pretending to be a drug addict while jailbreaking Eric] Okay, I have a problem, I have a big probleeem. Starts with the capital X

Ostroff Nurse:
What drugs have you been taking?

Blair Waldorf:
Hmmm, caffein, nicotin, ketamin, JGP, PCP, LSD, juraidasepam? Floreaisepam? All the pams really, you know, I don't discriminate.

Ostroff Nurse:
Apparently not.

[on the phone]

Ostroff Nurse:
Code yellow, floor six. Why don't you wait right here? I'll get a doctor.

Dan Humphrey:
How long can a man have a piggy bank and still call himself a man?

Blair Waldorf:
[to Jenny, when she refuses to drink alcohol] It's a party, Jenny. You either swallow that or swipe your metro card back home.

Gossip Girl:
Looks like no one told little J. you don't beat a Waldorf at her own game.

Gossip Girl:
Word is Jenny Humphrey killed at Blair Waldorf's sleepover. It was a debut the likes of which haven't been seen since Blair herself.

Club Stockbroker:
Hey baby, do you what to, uh... maybe show me the bathroom, get lost somewhere around coat check?

Blair Waldorf:
Well, my answer is usually "never say never", but for you I'll make an exception.

Blair Waldorf:
Nelly Yuki must be destroyed!

Serena van der Woodsen:
Why do you keep saying her name?

Blair Waldorf:
Because it's Nelly Yuki!

Serena van der Woodsen:
[covers Dan's eyes and kisses him]

Dan Humphrey:
Oh, Chuck, I had no idea you felt that way about me!

Dan Humphrey:
Hey I've been wondering where you were.

Chuck Bass:
You mean all of your life.

Dan Humphrey:
Don't take this the wrong way Serena but you sound just like this jackass we know.

Chuck Bass:
Serena has food poisoning. She's too sick to come to your play date.

Dan Humphrey:
Put her on the phone.

Chuck Bass:
The bathroom doesn't get reception.

Dan Humphrey:
Somehow I don't believe you.

Chuck Bass:
And I would like to say I'm a little glad about that but my poor sick sister has asked for my assistance in the matter, so I'll leave it at this, she's not coming. Humphrey, always a pleasure.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I don't want you to ever contact me again.

Georgina Sparks:
Just because of a few nights of harmless fun?

Serena van der Woodsen:
It wasn't fun waking up and not knowing where I was, it wasn't fun missing the SAT's, and it definitely wasn't fun lying to Dan.

Georgina Sparks:
And this is all my fault because...

Serena van der Woodsen:
It's my fault, because I make huge mistakes when I'm with you.

Georgina Sparks:
So you wanna distant yourself from your mistakes by staying away from me? You we're there to Serena. It was just as much you if not more...

Serena van der Woodsen:
This is not about last year it's about last night!

Georgina Sparks:
Like you were just some innocent bystander who walked in on...

Serena van der Woodsen:
I'm not talking about it Georgina okay! And neither are you. If I go down, you go down with me. In the meanwhile, stay out of my life.

Georgina Sparks:
I don't need anybody in my life who doesn't wanna be there.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Then we're agreed.

[Serena covers Dan's eyes and kisses him]

Dan Humphrey:
Oh Chuck, I had no idea you felt like that about me.

[the Palace Hotel calls Dan's cell]

Dan Humphrey:
Hey, I've been wondering where you were.

Chuck Bass:
You mean all your life?

Nelly Yuki:
Look, I'm not stupid. I know you're not really interested in how my family owns half of Tribeca.

Hazel:
Of course we're interested. You're the newest member of our little club.

Penelope:
Which is only for the smartest girls of the junior class.

Nelly Yuki:
Our junior class only has thirty girls. We're already an elite club. [Nelly Yuki gets impatient and grabs her violin case] Can I go now?

Hazel:
You know what would be hot? You, us at G-spa.

Nelly Yuki:
I don't drink.

Penelope:
Saks fifth?

Nelly Yuki:
Hate shopping.

Hazel:
Yogurt on the steps?

Nelly Yuki:
Lactose intolerant. Look, I really don't want any friends. All I want is to be alone and to never listen to Flo Rida ever again.

Penelope:
What happened? A little back stage hit it and quit it?

Nelly Yuki:
What? No, my boyfriend broke up with me at a Flo Rida concert. One minute we were waving our hands in the air like we just didn't care and the next... [upset and walks off]

Blair Waldorf:
[as Nelly Yuki walks up the steps to take the SATs, Blair quickly walks over to her] Rough night?

Nelly Yuki:
Yeah. And not in a good way. Todd doesn't want to get back together. [Blair's minions chime in with false pity]

Blair Waldorf:
No? But he said...

Nelly Yuki:
-We stayed up all night having the same conversation about why we broke up over and over again. [Nelly Yuki drops her calculator and Blair takes out the batteries without anyone noticing] [Blair's minions chime in again calling Nelly Yuki's ex-boyfriend names] I got no sleep, spent the whole night crying.

Blair Waldorf:
Aw, okay. Well good luck! [Hands the calculator back to Nelly Yuki]

Nelly Yuki:
[Blair walks by while playing a Flo Rida song] Oh God. Not that song.

Blair Waldorf:
Nelly Yuki what's wrong?

Nelly Yuki:
It's like it's happening all over again. That song just reminds me of my boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend I should say.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh no, did he dump you? [Nelly Yuki nods] That's horrible. What was his name? Brad? Bill?

Nelly Yuki:
Todd. Jansen.

Blair Waldorf:
[Quickly walks over to Nelly Yuki] There is nothing like the fresh sharp pain of a break up. Believe me. I've had my fair share of heart ache. But this is about you. Tonight, you're going to come over to my house and just cry till you get it all out of your system.

Nelly Yuki:
I can't. I have to be focused tomorrow.

Blair Waldorf:
You can't focus when something's on your mind, now can you? [Closes Nelly Yuki's textbook] Come, come, come. Tell me all about it. [Nelly Yuki smiles and is taken by Blair's false generosity]

Blair Waldorf:
Lucky for us, mental acuity and common sense rarely come in the same package.

Chuck Bass:
[about Blair] She really needs to tone down the social niceties. It's embarrassing.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Eventually, the two of you are gonna have to work out your issues.

Chuck Bass:
What issues? I'm issue free, and based on my exhaustive research, so are you.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Georgina?

Chuck Bass:
According to my very reliable sources, Georgina Sparks is nowhere near our fair isle. She's in Switzerland, dating the prince of Belfort.

Serena van der Woodsen:
There's a prince of Belfort? And she's dating him? Oh, thank God!

Chuck Bass:
Now you can enjoy the gifts she mailed you with piece of mind and maybe Chuck in the room?

Serena van der Woodsen:
[shoves Chuck] Oh, shoot, except we're siblings!

Chuck Bass:
Georgie always brought out the devil in you. Part of me is disappointed she's not here.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Mm, I wonder which part.

Chuck Bass:
It's been a while since I saw the old Serena.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well, thanks to her, the new one has to break 2000 on her SAT's, so if you could just go smarm elsewhere.

Chuck Bass:
The offer still stands. I know a lovely little redhead that's just dying to be you for the day.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oh, I'll leave the cheating to you, Chuck. I plan on taking the SAT's myself.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I gotta wait for Dan. He's stressed, he doesn't do well with tests, so...

Blair Waldorf:
Performance anxiety?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Bye, Blair!

Blair Waldorf:
Nelly Yuki has her sights set on Yale too. What are the odds of them accepting two girls from Constance? And have you seen Nelly Yuki's extracurriculars? I need to kick her well-rounded ass!

Gossip Girl:
[after Georgina comes back and talks to Serena] Spotted in the courtyard: S looking like she's seen a ghost. A ghost of parties past.

Gossip Girl:
Spotted: Serena Van Der Woodsen being given a real life multiple choice question: a. Go home and study, b. Get a good night's sleep, c. Call your boyfriend, or d. None of the above. Hope that wasn't the wrong answer, S. This test doesn't grade on a curve.

Dan Humphrey:
I can't concentrate.

Jenny Humphrey:
The sound of your own voice annoying you?

Asher Hornsby:
[to Jenny] Oh, oh, so sorry. Are you okay?

Jenny Humphrey:
Yeah. [laughs] My lunch isn't though.

Asher Hornsby:
Uh, let me give you my last dollar.

Jenny Humphrey:
Oh, I couldn't. You shouldn't be walking the streets with no money.

Asher Hornsby:
Let's just settle for an IOU then.

Jenny Humphrey:
It's just a hot dog.

Rufus Humphrey:
[to Jenny] You used to cry when I didn't walk you to school.

Jenny Humphrey:
That wasn't me. That was Dan.

Dan Humphrey:
I was six. It was a very emotional time for me, post T-ball.

Elise Wells:
[to Jenny] What are you doing? He's gorgeous.

Jenny Humphrey:
He's a dogwalker. I need a king, not a jester.

Rufus Humphrey:
Apparently you had a dinner here tonight... so I read from a news feed about having your own sister arrested.

Lily Van Der Woodsen:
Carol hurt this family with her scam with Ivy too badly for her to just get away with it. She had it comming for a long time.

Rufus Humphrey:
You sound just like your mother.

Lily Van Der Woodsen:
Well, I'll take that as a compliment. My mother would have done anything to preserve our family name in high society.

Rufus Humphrey:
Right, and no matter what the actually consequences to actual family members. I'll bet you even paid off that nurse to testify against Ivy in court today so that she would lose her case. Now with Carol out of the picture, you are the sole heir to your mother's wealth and power. You manipulated everything to your own advantage after I bluntly told you not to.

Lily Van Der Woodsen:
So what if I did? Wouldn't you do anything to protect your family?

Rufus Humphrey:
No, I wouldn't. Not this low and underhanded way. I thought we'd grow old together, but if this is the person who you want to be... then I don't want to have anything to do with it.

Lily Van Der Woodsen:
Rufus, are you saying you'd like a divorce? Because where exactly are you going to find some other wealthy Upper East Side woman to take care of you the way I have? Not to mention, I now have the money and resources to take everything away from you... including that loft in Brooklyn you love so much.

Rufus Humphrey:
Spoken like a true Rhodes. The evil spirit of CeCe does live within you. You just made my decision for us to spend more time apart much easier.

William Van Der Woodsen:
[into a phone] I did as you asked. I tricked Carol into signing over her half of the Rhodes estate to me. So, I'll sign Carol's half of the estate over to you when I get back to the apartment.

Lily Van Der Woodsen:
[into a phone] Good. We both know that Carol does not deserve any part of my mother's money, and getting it away from her is the least you deserve for what I found out about you two today.

William Van Der Woodsen:
I can understand you leaving Carol to rot in jail and you tricking Ivy with a bribe into helping you, but you are going to take care of Lola, right? That was the deal.

Lily Van Der Woodsen:
What kind of a monster do you think I am? Do you think that just because she's a product of one of your many extramarial affairs that I would punish Lola by cutting her out too? I wouldn't do that.

William Van Der Woodsen:
Why is it that I don't believe you?

Lily Van Der Woodsen:
[smirks] See you soon.

Lily Van Der Woodsen:
Nothing ruins a family reputation faster than a money fight.

Dorota Kishlovsky:
You sure you want to read miss Blair? There are some bad things about friends in there.

Blair Waldorf:
Don't you know me at all? I love reading bad things about my friends. It's the only thing that makes me feel better about myself.

Blair Waldorf:
I'm sick of being behind-the-scenes in a relationship.

Dan Humphrey:
You're not behind-the-scenes with me. That's what I love about us. We are equals in this.

Blair Waldorf:
Well that's not how I feel. And it's clearly not how other people view me.

Dan Humphrey:
Maybe you were so focused on how everyone else perceives you that you no longer know who you are. That's too bad because if you can only see what I see.

Blair Waldorf:
How could you do this to me? Just because I didn't give your geriatric boyfriend a seat doesn't mean you had to tell Sage to sabotage my show.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Save it, Blair! You were so upset that I care more about Steven then your show that you had to destroy my relationship.

Blair Waldorf:
I didn't tell her to take off her dress in front of all of New York City on that fashion runway. You did.

Serena van der Woodsen:
No, I didn't. I would rather avoid the child pornography charges.

Blair Waldorf:
Well, if I didn't tell her to take off the dress and you didn't tell her to take off the dress, then who did?

[Sage entes]

Sage Spence:
[smug] Nobody. I happened to like the underwear more.

Nate Archibald:
Why the hell do my advertisers think that Vanity Fair is publishing the rest of your serial?

Dan Humphrey:
Because they are.

Nate Archibald:
Dan, we had a deal.

Dan Humphrey:
A handshake is hardly a deal.

Nate Archibald:
[incredulous] Oh my God! I think I'm gonna hit you.

Dan Humphrey:
I told you just last week that it was a bad idea to mix business and friendship. You wanted me to go to Rufus before publishing. And today when he threatned a lawsuit, you freaked out.

Nate Archibald:
I was trying to protect my newspaper.

Dan Humphrey:
What do you want me to say? Vanity Fair is the big time. The more readers I have, the more power I have. It's that simple.

Nate Archibald:
I thought we were in this together.

Dan Humphrey:
We were. But something better came along.

Nate Archibald:
Okay, now I know I'm going to hit you!

Dan Humphrey:
In this public place with witnesses around? Come on, Nate! You know that you and all your other friends would have done the exact same thing in my position.

Nate Archibald:
You know what? Don't bother coming back to the Empire Hotel! Find another place to stay.

Dan Humphrey:
I thought you might say that.

[Dan shows Nate his packed carry-on bag. Nate angrily scoffs and walks out of the bar]

Vanessa Abrams:
Stop talking.

Dan Humphrey:
You know I'm not good at that.

Vanessa Abrams:
I think I can help.

[they kiss]

Serena van der Woodsen:
[to Blair on what guy she might choose] I even made a list of pros and cons. Dan: Good shoulders to cry on. Nate: Good shoulders.

Gossip Girl:
On the Upper East Side, sometimes the wrong prescription is just what the doctor orders. XOXO,Gossip Girl.

Blair Waldorf:
It's no use to deny the past. Chuck is a part of me. He'll always be. It just hurts so much.

Dorota Kishlovsky:
In Poland, we have a saying, "Love is like head wound." It make you dizzy, you think you die, but you recover. Usually.

Blair Waldorf:
Did you send the invitations by carrier pigeon? I-is the elevator broken? A meteor headed for earth? [to Dorota] You were against this from the start. What did you do?

Dan Humphrey:
[to Jenny] Hey, Jenny! Jenny! Please tell me what you're doing here, starting with "Dad knows", and ending with "these drinks are not for me."

Jenny Humphrey:
Since I haven't actually talked to Dad today, no. But these drinks are for Nate and Chuck.

Dan Humphrey:
What are you doing with Nate and Chuck?

Jenny Humphrey:
Well, Nate's my friend, and Chuck's totally harmless unless this place runs out of ice.

Chuck Bass:
I haven't read any posts on Gossip Girl yet. I guess my ban works in the provinces.

Blair Waldorf:
I knew it. I knew you'd fatwa'd me.

Chuck Bass:
And I knew you couldn't break it.

Blair Waldorf:
You're wrong. I could have.

Chuck Bass:
Then why didn't you?

Blair Waldorf:
Because... I suddenly realized it. The way to get over you, isn't by hooking up with some random guy or pretending like we didn't happen. You and I loved each other. And then you broke my heart. I've been doing everything possible not to face that fact. I'm gonna kiss somebody someday, and when I do, it'll be for me. Good-bye, Chuck.

Blair Waldorf:
[to her "minions"] Yours is not to wonder why, yours is to do or die!

Blair Waldorf:
[over the phone] Penelope, this isn't the Congress. Accomplish something!

Chuck Bass:
[stunned tone] You're lying.

Russell Thorpe:
No. Belive me, I wish I was. Because of your late, ruthless, cold-blooded father, my wife is dead.

Chuck Bass:
I confronted my father three years ago about the fire when he was alive. He admitted that a security guard died in that factory warehouse fire and that Bart personally compensated the man's wife and family.

Russell Thorpe:
Why do you think the security guard was inside the building? He was trying to save my wife. Two weeks before she died, she confided in me that she suspected that Bart Bass was plotting to set one of his own warehouses on fire in order to burn it down since it was only making a moderate profit than a huge profit, and that way he could not only collect a large insurance settlement but also get much more in government tax write-offs. Now do you see the reason of my vendetta against your father? My resolve to destroy his company? No one knows the truth, not even Raina. She thinks her mother left her when she was 10 for another man and that she lives somewhere in Europe under a false name.

Chuck Bass:
You blame my father for your wife's death in a fire that was purely an accident. You'd say anything to hurt my father's memory.

Russell Thorpe:
Perhaps. But I think you know your father well enough to belive that he was very capable of taking a life... commiting murder for business sake. Well... I'll be leaving back for Chicago tonight. I hope your stepmother enjoys rotting in prison to protect the legacy of the late great Bart Bass.

Dorota Kishlovsky:
[to Blair, angry] You and Lonely Boy are having affair!

Gossip Girl:
Be careful - once darkness descends true natures emerge and everything's a fair game. Until morning.

Chuck Bass:
I'm sorry your new beau had to abandon our mission.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh, he had a dinner with his rugby team.

Chuck Bass:
How homoerotic.

Lily van der Woodser:
[to Eric] Well, you know, after five marriages, the last thing I want to do is put you and Serena through another divorce.

Eric van der Woodsen:
It might sound cold, but they do get easier.

Lily van der Woodser:
Rufus is different, you know? He's been like a father to you.

Eric van der Woodsen:
And I-I love him. But if you think he cheated on you, you can't stay with him because of me. You have to stay with him because you still love him and because you think you guys can work through this. It doesn't matter who you end up with as long as you're still here.

Chuck Bass:
[to Blair] I did the most dangerous thing I could when I said I love you, and it was worth it. If I got through my fear for you, you can get through yours for me. You have until tomorrow to decide.

Blair Waldorf:
What?

Chuck Bass:
We're never going to be safe. So are you brave enough or aren't you? I'll be waiting at the top of the Empire State Building.

Blair Waldorf:
You can't Affair to Remember me.

Chuck Bass:
If you're not there tomorrow, at 7:01, I'm closing my heart to you forever.

Blair Waldorf:
Well, I won't be there.

Chuck Bass:
[on the phone with Jenny] And why are you whispering? If it's a seduction technique, don't bother.

Jenny Humphrey:
Ew. You wish.

Serena van der Woodsen:
[to Dan] Thanks for coming with me. I know this was a complicated one for you.

Dan Humphrey:
When are things not complicated with Serena Van Der Woodsen?

Blair Waldorf:
[to Jenny & Chuck] The two of you here together? Please tell me there's an explanation that doesn't involve the apocalypse.

Chuck Bass:
We come in peace and with a purpose.

Nate Archibald:
I've read every piece of The Spectator since I started there, and unless Christina Aguilera is mad about our baby bumper Mexican lunch article, I really don't think there's anything in here worth hurting me over.

Dan Humphrey:
Look, Serena, while we're alone, there's something I wanna say to you...

Serena Van Der Woodsen:
Are you fake breaking up with me?

Georgina Sparks:
Bless us, Father. I have a feeling we're about to sin.

Dan Humphrey:
Who was that?

Nate Archibald:
Someone I should've remembered. Maybe that's my issue. Paying too much attention to the wrong girls and not enough to the right ones.

Dan Humphrey:
Well, off a list of your issues, I'm not sure I'd start with that one.

Blair Waldorf:
What... Where are you going, and what are you doing with her?

Dan Humphrey:
Probably the same thing you're doing with him. [points to Chuck]

Blair Waldorf:
Saving Serena.

Georgina Sparks:
No. Finding Serena, and since you're going to follow us, I'm going to have to ask you to follow my lead as well.

Chuck Bass:
Which is what, exactly?

Georgina Sparks:
Do nothing. Whatever Serena is doing, we can't get involved. We're gonna observe and record. Like a documentary.

Blair Waldorf:
This isn't a reality show, Sparks, this is reality! A concept I know you're a little fuzzy on. So whatever filth-filled pain huffing meth dump we find Serena cracked out in, we don't judge.

Nate Archibald:
We're still her friends, no matter what.

Chuck Bass:
We're her family.

Georgina Sparks:
Oh, aren't you just the kindest, sweetest, trust worthiest babies in the whole world. And when it comes to what Serena's capable of, I think you'll find it's nothing you'd imagine.

Dan Humphrey:
Can't argue with you there. [they find a big fancy house, practically a palace]

Serena van der Woodsen:
What the hell are you doing here?

Blair Waldorf:
Uh... Looking for you!

Georgina Sparks:
To observe and record.

Nate Archibald:
No, we're here to help you.

Chuck Bass:
And get you home.

Dan Humphrey:
And, uh, I don't even know what I'm doing here. [Georgina and Blair punches him on his chest]

Serena van der Woodsen:
Please leave before it's too late.

Steven:
Sabrina!

Blair Waldorf:
[caught off-guard] Sabrina?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Too late.

Steven:
Sabrina, you didn't tell me you invited friends...

Serena van der Woodsen:
Mm...

Blair Waldorf:
That is so Sabrina.

Nate Archibald:
She loves surprises.

Dan Humphrey:
She has so many surprises you could write a book about them.

Georgina Sparks:
She's obviously had a psychotic break. Serena's been taking too many happy pills, and now she thinks she is Sabrina from Dan's book.

Dan Humphrey:
That actually sounds vaguely possible.

Georgina Sparks:
Or, today is the day of the cult sacrifice, and since I don't see any volcano scenario, I wonder if they're burning her at the stake.

Dan Humphrey:
And then you lost me.

Dan Humphrey:
[to Serena] Really? Wisconsin? Do you even know where that is on the map?

Georgina Sparks:
Great news! You'll never guess what I found.

Blair Waldorf:
Looks like Nate Archibald to me.

Blair Waldorf:
I am with him! Or at least I will be. We made a pact. We have things we need to do on our own. And when we're both in that next place, we will be together. For good. End of story.

Dan Humphrey:
So I didn't lose you to Chuck, I lost you to the idea of Chuck? At some point in hopefully not too distant future, maybe...?

Blair Waldorf:
Well, when you put it that way...

Dan Humphrey:
Blair, you had someone who loved you unconditionally, treated you right. I wanted to be with you every day, and you threw all that away! Until that Chuck Bass decides that he is ready for you? You think that you two have an epic love, but all you have are excuses.

Blair Waldorf:
[on the urge of crying] I have to go find Serena. [leaves Dan, who looks hurt and beaten]

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Poor B. Looks like she just got dumped by the love of her life. And I'm not talking about Chuck or Dan.

Blair Waldorf:
But like I said in the casino, I'm all in.

Chuck Bass:
And my bet's on us.

Chuck Bass:
Blair, you are a distraction. Cause when we're together you're all i think about. And I would give up my empire for you. I would give up everything for you.

Chuck Bass:
I'm sorry. I screwed up.

Blair Waldorf:
It's too late, Chuck. I stood by you through all of this but I can't watch you self-destruct any longer.

Blair Waldorf:
It's so hard finding obedient minions.

Nelly Yuki:
We should at least tell Blair.

Isabel Coates:
We can't. Blair's with Chuck... again.

Penelope:
I'm really getting sick of how much time she's spending with him.

Isabel Coates:
Give them a break. His dad just died.

Penelope:
Yeah, like a month ago. Who cares? Someone should tell him to get over it.

Albert:
Charles, Mr. Bass asked me to give you this letter.

Chuck Bass:
If I don't read it do I still get my inheritance?

Albert:
Well, yes...

Chuck Bass:
Then I'll pass.

Jack Bass:
Chuck, this letter represents your dad's final words.

Blair Waldorf:
Your dad wrote you a letter? You have to read it!

Nate Archibald:
Yeah, aren't you curious to know what it says?

Chuck Bass:
I think I can guess. "You're a disappointment of a son, I'd die of embarrassment if I wasn't already. Why do you wear so much purple?"

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] When most people lose a parent, they inherit sorrow, loss and a closet full of outdated clothes. But on the Upper East Side, death's sad chapter comes with a silver lining, or a gold one, if your relatives invested wisely in precious metals.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Hold on to your floppy cable-knit hats, kids. Lonely Boy's secret is out and this one's a doozie. D wasn't cheating, but there's definitely a third party involved. Seems D and S share a sibling. While I'm always a fan of star-crossed lovers, at least Romeo and Juliet didn't share DNA.

Jenny Humphrey:
[to Jonathan and Eric] Oh, did you guys know that you have matching backpacks? It's so cute.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Is lowly Lonely Boy cheating on our queen? Sound unlikely? Does the name Georgina ring a bell? Get out your shovels and start digging the dirt, kids. Gossip Girl's gonna need a little help getting to the bottom of this mess.

Blair Waldorf:
[to Serena] Apparently, Gossip Girl is looking for evidence that Dan's cheating on you. Not that anyone else would ever want Dan Humphrey. No offense.

Serena van der Woodsen:
[reads Gossip Girl on Blair's phone] Nothing yet on Lonely Boy though we did find out he brown-bags it for lunch and today's plat du jour, a tuna sandwich. Disgusting but not enough for a conviction. Keep digging, kiddies.

Blair Waldorf:
Tuna fish? Why does he make it so hard for himself?

Vanessa Abrams:
Hey, I'm thinking one pink can of gummy worms and another of Swedish fish.

Dan Humphrey:
Is this how you and Nate want to celebrate two months of dating? With all things gummy?

Penelope:
[to Nelly] You stole Dan Humphrey's phone? Not bad, Nelly, at this rate you'll be off probation before your second marriage.

Blair Waldorf:
[to Chuck] I believed in you. Your father believed in you. You're the only one that didn't. All I wanted to do is just be there but today when you called me your wife, made it sound like the ugliest word in the world.

[last lines]

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] The problem with inheritance is that it's not always as simple as it sounds. Sometimes you get more than you bargained for or you discover that in gaining one thing, you've lost something else. But every once in a while, the fates smile upon you, and you get the one thing you really need. XOXO. Gossip Girl.

Chuck Bass:
Look I owe you a lot Jack, you saved my life when I didn't wanna be saved.

Jack Bass:
Well... you noticed that Thai waitress I was gonna take home the other night had a penis... so, consider us even.

Jack Bass:
I owe you an apology, the fact is you're Bart's son, and it is your rightful place.

Chuck Bass:
Your blessing means a lot to me.

Jack Bass:
Good, now before we start spooning I wanna take you out tonight to properly celebrate

Chuck Bass:
I'm having dinner with Blair.

Jack Bass:
Reschedule Blair.

Chuck Bass:
I can't. She's been a good friend to me.

Jack Bass:
Yeah, I saw you two talking this morning, last time I had a friend like that... I wind up with gonorrhea.

Chuck Bass:
[after smelling the cherry pie Blair has, thanks to his pre-emptive strike, in vain offered to Ms. Chamberlain] Mmm... I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie.

Blair Waldorf:
A girl wants Romeo not Hamlet.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Romeo died.

Chuck Bass:
Don't 'f' with an 'f'-er.

Chuck Bass:
You looked pretty hot on Prince Theodore's arm today.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh, Is that what I am to you? [kisses him] Just an accessory?

Chuck Bass:
Next to him yes... [flips her over, she is now straddling him] On me you'd be so much more.

Blair Waldorf:
Yes, but I can't be on you remember? Cause you don't want Nate to find out and I don't want anyone too. [pulls him up by his collar] But you have to learn to behave yourself first. [she kisses him again]

Chuck Bass:
You looked pretty hot on Prince Theodore's arm today.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh, is that what I am to you? [kisses him] Just an accessory?

Chuck Bass:
Next to him yes... [he flips her over so that she's now straddling him] On me you'd be so much more.

Blair Waldorf:
Yes, but I can't be on you remember? Cause you don't want Nate to find out and I don't want anyone too. [she pulls him up by his collar] But you have to learn to behave yourself first. [she kisses him again]

Serena Van Der Woodsen:
So, Mr. Screenwriter... Are you ready for your your first ever development meeting?

Dan Humphrey:
I think so. As long as you guys don't wanna change the ending. Or the beginning. Or all the stuff in the middle.

Chuck Bass:
I'm not here to apologize about what happened tonight.

Blair Waldorf:
Then what are you here to apologize for?

Chuck Bass:
Everything else... I'm sorry for losing my temper the night you told me Louis proposed to you... I'm sorry for not waiting longer at the Empire State Building... I'm sorry for treating you like property... And I'm sorry *sigh* I didn't tell you I loved you when I knew I did... Most of all, I'm sorry that I gave up on us, and you never did.

Blair Waldorf:
[sighs] Thank you.

[pause]

Blair Waldorf:
I hope never giving up on people isn't going to be my downfall.

Chuck Bass:
That's why you're going to be an amazing mother. You're always there for the people you love, even when they don't deserve it.

Blair Waldorf:
You idiot! You don't surprise someone standing off the edge of a building!

Penelope:
We're more than any one member. And the only way Nelly is leaving is in a body bag.

Hazel:
God, P. Tone down the crazy.

Chuck Bass:
No one cares.

Blair Waldorf:
I do. Don't you understand? I'll always be here. I don't want you going anywhere. I couldn't bear it. So whatever you want to do to yourself, please don't do it to me. Please.

Chuck Bass:
I'm sorry.

[last lines]

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Ah, me. The year's scarcely turned and already the secrets have begun. Where will it end this time? The new year isn't about what happened, it's about what's to come. But the past is always with us, just waiting to mess with the present. And when it does, I'll be watching. XOXO. Gossip Girl.

Jack Bass:
[to Chuck] Chuck, your father wouldn't want this.

Chuck Bass:
Fortunately, all I know is what he didn't want... which is me.

Blair Waldorf:
I'm not abandoning Chuck. I'm just saving myself.

Serena van der Woodsen:
[to Blair] B, is everything okay? I came as fast as I could.

Blair Waldorf:
Fine, false alarm.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Wait, what happened?

Blair Waldorf:
Chuck. He's holed up at Victrola in some Jim Morrison downward spiral, sad in a way. Luckily it's not my concern.

Serena van der Woodsen:
[to Blair] Hey, did Jack find Chuck?

Blair Waldorf:
Yeah, what was left of him. I'm surprised they made it through Customs. Chuck's body odor could have given a contact high to half of Manhattan.

Blair Waldorf:
Chuck, stop. All this doesn't help. It isn't you.

Chuck Bass:
Wrong. Bart may have been a bastard, but he saw me better than anyone. Simply living up to my potential. It's time to let go of your fantasies.

Chuck Bass:
[shouts] I'm Chuck Bass! [pauses] No one cares.

Blair Waldorf:
I do. Don't you understand? I'll always be here. I don't want you going anywhere, I couldn't bear it. So whatever you want to do to yourself, please don't do that to me. [reaches to Chuck] Please!

Blair Waldorf:
Hey, Eric, have you seen Chuck?

Eric van der Woodsen:
A while ago, he said something about wanting to take a view from above.

Jack Bass:
He probably meant upstairs.

Blair Waldorf:
Clearly you don't know Chuck. He has a thing for the rooftops.

[first lines]

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Gossip Girl here, welcoming you to the new year, when Manhattenites, who flew south for the sun, return to their Park Avenue perches. Which means I have a lot of catching up to do. Word is, Serena van der Woodsen tangoed in the new year in the plazas of Buenos Aires. Guess that means Lonely Boy was all alone when the clock tolled twelve. And what of Little J? Rumor is she's trading runways for hallways. So long high fashion, hello high school.

Eric van der Woodsen:
[to Chuck] Welcome back! How was Thailand?

Chuck Bass:
I honestly don't remember.

Eric van der Woodsen:
You should come home, Chuck.

Chuck Bass:
[gets a bottle of scotch] I think I'll take in the view from above. It was nice having you as my little brother.

Serena van der Woodsen:
[to Blair] He was probably thinking about you the whole time he was gone.

Blair Waldorf:
Not unless I was a Thai hooker named Bo.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] One thing about being on the top of the world, it gives you a long, long way to fall.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Pop quiz: What do you get when you cross Chuck Bass, a billion dollars and Bart cold in the ground?

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Spotted at Victrola: Lonely Boy and Chuck Bass having heart to heart. What or who do they have talk about? And will Serena will be the last to know?

Jack Bass:
I get Bart dying has been difficult. But the way things've been handled the last couple weeks, you shut away like Gloria Swanson, my nephew MIA in a Thai bordello, my big brother may not've won parent-of-the-year, but I doubt he'd be too happy.

Lily van der Woodsen:
Well, you needn't worry yourself anymore. Chuck is my stepson. I'll take care of him.

Jack Bass:
Was your stepson. And as Chuck's last living relative, I have to say... I don't feel comfortable leaving him in this situation. [blissfully unconcerned] You should eat. People grieving tend to neglect their health.

Chuck Bass:
Uncle Jack, what a surprise. How've you been?

Jack Bass:
Uh-huh, so I take it you don't remember our rickshaw ride down Selon Road? The 15-hour flight?

Chuck Bass:
That was you?

Jack Bass:
Blair, you came to greet us.

Blair Waldorf:
Not you, Chuck. You said you found him.

Jack Bass:
In Bangkok. He was staying at our hotel there. You hear the term "den of iniquity", but until you really see one...

Blair Waldorf:
Do you have him or not?

Rufus Humphrey:
They kicked you out too, didn't they? I saw your piece on Serena. You let me off easy by comparison.

Dan Humphrey:
All I did was tell the truth.

Rufus Humphrey:
"Your" truth. Everybody has a version... a way of delivering it. It wouldn't have been my choice.

Dan Humphrey:
Well, maybe that's why Lily doesn't respect you. Why she chose Bart Bass over you. Her money over you.

Rufus Humphrey:
So is this how you become Bart Bass? You become just as cold, devious and evil as those Upper East Siders?

Dan Humphrey:
I did what I had to do. Tonight, for the first time in my life, those rich people weren't looking "down" on me. They may have hated me. But I was one of them. Jenny, Vanessa, among others were right. In order to stand up to, face and defeat evil people, you have to become evil.

Rufus Humphrey:
Congratulations... I guess. So now that you've achieved that, you can come back to Brooklyn.

Dan Humphrey:
What I want isn't in Brooklyn. I'm only staying with you for now because we're still family. I have a plan. I've always had a plan this whole time... and it's working.

Gossip Girl:
What do you say, Serena? Who's your daddy? XOXO, Gossip Girl.

William van der Woodsen:
[to Eric] I have a lot to make up for.

Eric van der Woodsen:
I'm sorry. The window for that closed somewhere between my 12th birthday and, um my suicide attempt.

Chuck Bass:
[to Lily] I want to apologize. My absence has been inexcusable.

Lily van der Woodsen:
Well, I know my situation brings up a lot of issues for you. You've had to deal with so much loss.

Chuck Bass:
But I'm not gonna lose you. I'm here for you, every step of the way.

Vanessa Abrams:
That's easy for you to say, you didn't just pull a Janet Jackson at the Snowflake Ball.

Blair Waldorf:
What do we have, Chuck?

Chuck Bass:
Tonight. So shut up. And dance with me.

Blair Waldorf:
Where did you find these people?

Dorota:
Facebook. I joined few groups.

Penelope:
Oh. Hello, weird documentary girl.

Vanessa Abrams:
Oh. Hello, sad Blair wannabe.

Jenny Humphrey:
I'm trying to forget some things, too. Mostly how happy I thought I'd be once I made it in this world.

Chuck Bass:
The world you're looking for only exists from the outside. The only reason I survive in it is because I always knew it was empty.

Jenny Humphrey:
Yeah. And now I know, too. I found out the hard way.

Chuck Bass:
The hard way is the only way.

Dan Humphrey:
Blair... Say life is giving you signs, and you're ignoring them because you're afraid of the thing they're signaling you to do. But-but then-but then you think, what if these signs are here for a reason and-and ignoring them just makes me a coward?

Blair Waldorf:
Signs are for the religious, the superstitious, and the lower class. I don't believe in them and neither should you.

Blair Waldorf:
[to Jenny] When are you gonna get it? For three years, you've tried to worm your way into our world, but you will never be a part of it no matter what you do. This isn't copycat dressing at Constance or dumping dairy on your best friend to prove a point. Nate and Serena? That's mythic. You don't mess with that and survive. You're hurting people I love. You're hurting people you love.

Jenny Humphrey:
I wasn't trying to, I...

Blair Waldorf:
Nate loves Serena, Dan loves Vanessa -God knows why-, and chuck loves me. But, you, Jenny? No one loves you, except your daddy. And after what you pulled yesterday, who knows if that's even true anymore?

Gossip Girl:
Till death do us part. XOXO, Gossip Girl.

Lily van der Woodsen:
Jenny? Rufus, teenage girls are a nightmare. As soon as they realize that you'll love 'em no matter what they do, you lose all of your power. You just have to wait till they finish college. Or in the case of Serena, rebel and not go.

Dorota Kishlovsky:
Miss Blair, I defriend Mr. Chuck in Facebook and in life. But... This is pretty romantic thing he's doing. If not going means never having Chuck in your life again, are you prepared to live like that?

Blair Waldorf:
Yes, but even if I'm not, if you let me go anywhere near 34th street, there won't be a miracle but a massacre.

Dan Humphrey:
[after punching Chuck] You tell her!

Blair Waldorf:
Tell me what? What's going on? [realizes what happened between Chuck and Jenny] You didn't.

Chuck Bass:
Blair.

Blair Waldorf:
[to Chuck] You did. [to Jenny] You! Get out of here now. And not just out of this hospital, but off this island. Go and never come back, because if you ever set foot in Manhattan again, I will know, and I will destroy you.

Jenny Humphrey:
Blair, I'm sorry.

Dan Humphrey:
You have no reason to be sorry. This begins and ends with Chuck.

Blair Waldorf:
How could you? You and Jenny? She's 16 years old!

Chuck Bass:
[very remorseful] Blair, when you didn't show up, I thought you didn't love me anymore. I didn't care if I lived or died. When Jenny Humphrey showed up...

Blair Waldorf:
[cutting him off] Don't say her name... or anything else to me ever again! This whole night didn't happen.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Hey. Didn't expect to find you here, staring at babies.

Dan Humphrey:
Turns out I'm a big fan of babies.

Dan Humphrey:
Hey, everyone, thank you so much for coming.

Serena Van Der Woodsen:
I only have five minutes.

Blair Waldorf:
This better be really important.

Nate Archibald:
What is this about?

Lily:
Is everything alright?

Charlie Rhodes:
This isn't about me, right?

Rufus Settle:
Yeah, what's going on, Dan?

Chuck Bass:
This is going to be fun.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] It seems like Dan Humphrey is on the fast track from Lonely Boy to Only Boy.

Blair Waldorf:
[after waking up in bed together] You were on the floor!

Chuck Bass:
I hurt my back.

Blair Waldorf:
How? It's not like you ever do anything athletic.

Chuck Bass:
[suggestively] Well, that's not exactly true, now is it?

Blair Waldorf:
Fine, nothing that involves removing your scarf.

Chuck Bass:
That was one time; it was chilly.

[Blair waskes up and slapps Chuck's arm]

Chuck Bass:
Ow!

Blair Waldorf:
Who, what, where, when, why?

Chuck Bass:
We were up late plotting against Georgina, we must have dozed off.

Blair Waldorf:
And you were on the floor.

Chuck Bass:
I didn't want to hurt my back.

Blair Waldorf:
Why? It's not like you do anything athletic.

Chuck Bass:
Well that's not entirely true now is it?

Blair Waldorf:
Fine, nothing that requires you moving your scarf.

Chuck Bass:
It was one time, it was chilly.

Blair Waldorf:
Enough about the past, before you landed in my bed we actually landed on a good idea.

Chuck Bass:
Well I trust you can take it from here, I have a best man's speech to write and no time to write it.

Blair Waldorf:
Don't worry, I can be b*tch enough for both of us.

Chuck Bass:
I still have the scars on my back to prove it.

[Blairs starts pushing him out the door]

Chuck Bass:
You know, they say that you love something you should set it free.

Blair Waldorf:
Uh! They say if you hate something you should slam the door in its face.

Chuck Bass:
I love it when you talk dirty Blair.

Blair Waldorf:
[to Georgina] Haven't you heard? I'm the crazy b*tch around here.

Blair Waldorf:
[kicks Chuck] Break a leg!

Chuck Bass:
I think I just did!

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oh babe, what's it gonna take for you to relax?

Blair Waldorf:
Chuck

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oh God! My ears are bleeding! Make it stop!

Blair Waldorf:
What can I say? He brings out the worst in me. And weirdly, I bring out the best in him.

Serena van der Woodsen:
When I told my mom not to go away with Rufus, it was cause I said you and I are forever... and I know I'm right.

Serena van der Woodsen:
So Tuscany with Chuck, sounds romantic... minus the Chuck part.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Leave it to Blair Waldorf to know b*tches don't just happen; they're made.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] The only thing feared by the spawn of Satan? Mom and Dad.

Serena van der Woodsen:
So that's it then? "Have a good summer, I'll see you back at school"?

Dan Humphrey:
I guess.

Chuck Bass:
Won't be a dry eye in the house, trust me.

Chuck Bass:
It wasn't what I wrote. I was inspired in the moment. Look, I know I said some horrible things. Even for me.

Blair Waldorf:
Dan Humphrey actually lent a hand. It was nice to see him get his hands dirty for once. Not sure how much fun he had, though. No one enjoys their first time.

Amelia:
What's this?

Chuck Bass:
I was hoping we could discuss what you have planned for my room.

Amelia:
And who are you?

Chuck Bass:
I'm Chuck Bass.

Chuck Bass:
So are you planning to spend the summer sweating it out in Brooklyn?

Nate Archibald:
Ah, I think my time across the bridge is over.

Chuck Bass:
Nathaniel. What happened with you and Punky Brewster?

Chuck Bass:
You know, they say that if you love something you should set it free.

Blair Waldorf:
Ugh. They say if you hate something you should slam the door in its face.

Chuck Bass:
Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty, Blair.

Rufus Humphrey:
And here we go. Are you sure about this?

Lily van der Woodsen:
Ask me again and I'll change my mind.

Rufus Humphrey:
I love you, Lily.

Lily van der Woodsen:
I love you too, Rufus.

Dan Humphrey:
So what happened with you and Man Bangs?

Rufus Humphrey:
Do you want me to call off this wedding? And if you so much as nod yes, I will go out there and I will tell your fianc? and your guests they have go home.

Rufus Humphrey:
It's Bart.

Lily van der Woodsen:
That's what I was afraid of.

Rufus Humphrey:
Do you want me to answer it?

Lily van der Woodsen:
Do you want me to kill you?

Lily van der Woodsen:
Rufus, what are you doing here? I thought we had security.

Rufus Humphrey:
You want them to throw me out?

Lily van der Woodsen:
Well, I'd like the option considering how much I'm paying them.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Dearly beloved we are gathered here today in the face of this company to watch this man and this woman totally eff things up.

Chuck Bass:
You don't belong with Nate. Never have, never will.

Howie 'The Captain' Archibald:
Here he is, the best man ready to do his dad proud.

Chuck Bass:
Captain good to see you. Nate. [Nate being mad just looks at him and doesn't say anything]

Howie 'The Captain' Archibald:
Wow, clearly I missed something while I was away. A little advice fellas, you've been friends a long time, whoever she is she's not worth it.

Chuck Bass:
Couldn't agree more.

Nate Archibald:
That's the problem.

Chuck Bass:
I need to talk to you, your father's leaving.

Nate Archibald:
He just stepped out to call my mom.

Vanessa Abrams:
Everything okay?

Chuck Bass:
No.

Nate Archibald:
Yes.

Chuck Bass:
He just asked to have his car brought around.

Nate Archibald:
He probably left his phone in it.

Chuck Bass:
Look before the ceremony I saw him with a guy doing a deal, it looked like drugs.

Nate Archibald:
My father is clean Chuck and what are you spying on him?

Chuck Bass:
Look, I know you hate me. I was in love with Blair and I'm sorry, we do not have time to argue about this.

Nate Archibald:
[Nate is trying to stop his dad in the limo] Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop, stop! Dad, what the hell are you doing?

Howie 'The Captain' Archibald:
I left you a note at home.

Nate Archibald:
Yeah? What's it say?

Howie 'The Captain' Archibald:
It says I'm sorry.

Nate Archibald:
For what? I mean, dad, if you've relapsed, it's okay. We'll get you help. Chuck saw you earlier.

Howie 'The Captain' Archibald:
I wasn't buying drugs.

[he shows Nate his passport]

Nate Archibald:
Passport? Your skipping town?

Howie 'The Captain' Archibald:
I'm gonna be a much better father to you from the Dominican Republic than from jail.

Nate Archibald:
No, dad. I know your scared, but we'll get through the trial.

Howie 'The Captain' Archibald:
No, we won't! I'm guilty, Nate. I'm facing 25 years.

Nate Archibald:
So, all this stuff about things looking good and working out, huh? What about mom?

Howie 'The Captain' Archibald:
Who do you think's paying for the private plane?

Nate Archibald:
Why didn't you tell me any of this?

Howie 'The Captain' Archibald:
'Cause I didn't want you to know anything and be an accessory! This is the best thing for everyone. I need you to step up right now and be the man of the family for your mother.

Nate Archibald:
It's been that for a while now!

[Nate starts to walk off and his dad grabs him by his shoulder]

Howie 'The Captain' Archibald:
Nate!

Nate Archibald:
[Nate punches his dad in the face] That's for mom!

Nate Archibald:
So, thank you.

Chuck Bass:
It's your dad, it's bigger than, all the other stuff.

Nate Archibald:
Look I'm sorry, for all of it.

Chuck Bass:
So am I.

Nate Archibald:
So you said you loved her? That's um... well never heard you say that before, about anyone.

Chuck Bass:
You ready to go back in?

Nate Archibald:
I don't think I'm goin' back in.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Hey.

Blair Waldorf:
Hey. How go the prenuptials?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well my mom's done this enough times you'd think she be a pro by now but I dunno, her heart doesn't really seem in it.

Blair Waldorf:
You think this will be us in 20 years? On to our fourth husbands?

Serena van der Woodsen:
A girl can dream. [the girls laugh]

Blair Waldorf:
Speaking of true love, Dan isn't here?

Serena van der Woodsen:
He's coming.

Blair Waldorf:
So all is forgiven?

Serena van der Woodsen:
I'm workin on it.

Blair Waldorf:
What do you have to work on? He's the one who has to forgive you.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Yeah - yeah that's what I'm workin on.

Blair Waldorf:
Looks like Nate isn't a fan of the fish, or his date.

Vanessa Abrams:
Blair, I'm with Nate and you're at the singles table, deal with it.

Blair Waldorf:
I just feel sorry for you is all. Dating an Archibald is a tortured process. The endless supply of family drama, the fact that he never really got over Serena. Though falling for someone in love with Serena, you already knows how that feels don't you?

Chuck Bass:
[Chuck about to give his best man speech] My father is someone who goes after what he wants and Lily van der Wooden was no exception. A typical Bass man fashion, his pursuit was direct and at times, not exactly subtle. One thing I've learned through my father's courtship of Lily is the importance of perseverance, that in the face of true love you don't just give up - even if the object of your affection is begging you to. And one thing I've learned from Lily, is the importance of forgiveness. She gave my father the gift of a second chance and in kind I've watched them become someone actually worthy of that gift. And one day I hope I'll be lucky enough to find someone who'll do the same for me. To the happy couple!

Blair Waldorf:
You gonna be okay? Alone all summer without your best friend who always gets you out of trouble?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Yeah, I'm looking forward to staying out of trouble for awhile.

Blair Waldorf:
Have you talked to Dan?

Serena van der Woodsen:
No, not since the wedding. It's for the best, for him and for me. I'm fine.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Hey!

Nate Archibald:
Hey!

Serena van der Woodsen:
I was just seeing off Blair.

Nate Archibald:
I was just on the phone with Chuck.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair and Chuck, now there's a couple you can root for.

Nate Archibald:
Yeah, well if they're happy guess I'm happy.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oh, come on Nate when have you ever been happy?

Nate Archibald:
Wow the gloves are off today aren't they?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well I am feeling frisky, you know how I get in the summer.

Nate Archibald:
Yeah I do. [they laugh]

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well you won't have to witness any of it. I'm locking myself away in the Hamptons house, well it is a summer to reflect alone.

Nate Archibald:
I could not agree more. I just need to take a break away from everything and everyone.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Yeah.

Serena van der Woodsen:
[they both start to walk off but Serena turns back around to get Nate's attention] Hey! If you wanna reflect alone together, I'll be around.

Nate Archibald:
What are you up to now?

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] B*tches don't just happen, they're made. By parents more wicked than their offspring.

[Blair wakes up holding Chuck and then slaps him]

Chuck Bass:
Ow!

Blair Waldorf:
Who, what, when, where, why?

Chuck Bass:
We were up late plotting against Georgina. We must have dozed off.

Blair Waldorf:
And you were on the floor!

Chuck Bass:
I didn't want to hurt my back.

Blair Waldorf:
Why? It's not like you do anything athletic.

Chuck Bass:
Well that's not entirely true now is it?

Blair Waldorf:
Fine. Nothing that requires you moving your scarf.

Chuck Bass:
It was one time, it was chilly.

Blair Waldorf:
Enough about the past. Before you landed in my bed, we actually landed on a good idea.

Chuck Bass:
Well I trust you can take it from here. I have a best man's speech to write, and no time to write it.

Blair Waldorf:
Don't worry, I can be b*tch enough for the both of us.

Chuck Bass:
I still have the scars on my back to prove it. [Blair starts pushing him out the door] You know, they say if you love something you should set it free.

Blair Waldorf:
Ugh! They say when you hate something you should slam the door in its face!

Chuck Bass:
I love it when you talk dirty Blair.

Blair Waldorf:
Best man speech going that well?

Chuck Bass:
There won't be a dry eye in the house, trust me. How did things go with Whore-gina?

Blair Waldorf:
Not a dry eye there either.

Chuck Bass:
Didn't know I wasn't missed?

Blair Waldorf:
Dan Humphrey actually lent a hand it was nice to see him get his dirty for once. I'm not sure how much fun he had though, no one ever enjoys their first time.

[Blair fixes Chuck's bowtie]

Chuck Bass:
Except you. Save me a dance?

Blair Waldorf:
[Blair grabs Chuck, irritated by what he said] Now that Georgina's done, so are you and I, she was the last thing we had in common.

[Blair kicks Chuck on the shin, making him grunt]

Blair Waldorf:
Ha, break a leg.

Chuck Bass:
I think I just did.

Chuck Bass:
[Blair wakes up and is confused to see Chuck sleeping on her bed, then she slaps him] Ow!

Blair Waldorf:
Who? What? When? Where? Why?

Chuck Bass:
We were up late plotting against Georgina. We must have dozed off.

Blair Waldorf:
And you were on the floor.

Chuck Bass:
I didn't want to hurt my back.

Blair Waldorf:
Why? It's not like you ever do anything athletic.

Chuck Bass:
Well, that's not entirely true, now is it?

Blair Waldorf:
Fine, nothing that requires you removing your scarf.

Chuck Bass:
That was one time, it was chilly.

Blair Waldorf:
Ugh, enough about the past. Before you landed in my bed, we actually landed on a good idea.

Chuck Bass:
[looks at his watch] Well, I trust you can take it from here. I have a best man speech to write and no time to write it.

Blair Waldorf:
Don't worry, I can be b*tch enough for both of us.

Chuck Bass:
I've still got the scars on my back to prove it. You know, they say if you love something, you should set it free.

Blair Waldorf:
Ugh! They say when you hate something, you should slam the door in its face!

Chuck Bass:
I love it when you talk dirty, Blair.

Blair Waldorf:
Don't worry I can be a b*tch enough for the both of us.

Chuck Bass:
I've still got the scars on my back to prove it.

Chuck Bass:
You know they say if you love something you should set it free.

Blair Waldorf:
Ugh. They say when you hate something you should slam the door in its face.

Chuck Bass:
I love it when you talk dirty Blair.

Blair Waldorf:
It's not like you ever do anything athletic.

Chuck Bass:
Well that's not entirely true now is it.

Blair Waldorf:
Fine, nothing that requires removing your scarf.

Chuck Bass:
That was one time, it was chilly.

[last lines]

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] They say a leopard can't change his spots, but some things do change. The path not taken can become a road trip. Being grounded can lead to something groundbreaking. And whether they're sweating it out on the sultry sidewalks... or cooling their heels in the Hamptons, no one does summer like New Yorkers. Grab your shades and your sunblock. This one looks like a scorcher. Until then, you know you love me, XOXO... Gossip Girl.

[Blair wakes up holding Chuck and then slaps him]

Blair Waldorf:
Ow!

Chuck Bass:
Who, what, when, where, why?

Blair Waldorf:
We were up late plotting against Georgina. We must have dozed off.

Chuck Bass:
And you were on the floor!

Blair Waldorf:
I didn't want to hurt my back.

Chuck Bass:
Why? It's not like you do anything athletic.

Blair Waldorf:
Well that's not entirely true now is it?

Chuck Bass:
Fine. Nothing that requires you moving your scarf.

Blair Waldorf:
It was one time, it was chilly.

Chuck Bass:
Enough about the past. Before you landed in my bed, we actually landed on a good idea.

Blair Waldorf:
Well I trust you can take it from here. I have a best man's speech to write, and no time to write it.

Chuck Bass:
Don't worry, I can be b*tch enough for the both of us.

Blair Waldorf:
I still have the scars on my back to prove it. [Blair starts pushing him out the door] You know, they say if you love something you should set it free.

Chuck Bass:
Ugh! They say when you hate something you should slam the door in its face!

Blair Waldorf:
I love it when you talk dirty Blair.

Gossip Girl:
B*tches don't just happen, their made. By parents more wicked than their offspring.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh my effing God!

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Chuck's date and Blair's date are mother and son! And Blair and Nate are exes! And Nate and the mother are in a book club. Now there's a novel twist!

Blair Waldorf:
As his consort, I have to able to hobnob with oligarchs and dictators.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well, if you can't find common ground with a dictator, I don't know who can.

Blair Waldorf:
Can I just say how sorry I am that I judged you earlier? I thought you were just a callow, social-climbing former swimsuit model who married above her station only to be enslaved by her own insecurities. When I saw you rolling around on the floor with my adolescent ex, I realized you have a compassionate side.

Blair Waldorf:
Notice how much voice didn't go up at the end? It wasn't a question.

Blair Waldorf:
She made 'Waldorf' rhyme with 'Spears'!

Blair Waldorf:
Damn that mother chucker!

Nate Archibald:
Oh, you know it's love when you start talking like an assassin.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair Waldorf, a fling? You're not exactly low maintenance.

Blair Waldorf:
It's like Roman Holiday but I'm Gregory Peck and he's Audrey Hepburn!

Serena van der Woodsen:
And you really expect me to believe this isn't all about revenge on Chuck?

Blair Waldorf:
Revenge is so 12 hours ago! And just because Marcus is the perfect post-Bass palate cleanser doesn't mean he isn't a delicious dish in his own right.

Dorota:
Ms. Serena and you are still not speaking?

Blair Waldorf:
Not a word in a week. Though I can't seem to escape her. Ever since my mother's show Manhattan has turned into Serenaville.

Dorota:
I heard Marc Jacobs named a purse after her.

[Blair looks at her angrily]

Blair Waldorf:
Well I simply don't understand the fascination. Unfortunately Yale is out of her reach.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Brown is an Ivy league school.

Blair Waldorf:
Everyone knows that the only real Ivies are the holy trinity: Harvard, Yale, and Princeton.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well I know you may find this hard to believe but not everyone wants to go to Yale because not everyone wants to be Blair Waldorf.

Blair Waldorf:
Not everyone can be. Since we're not friends anymore let me speak frankly, your not that smart. You lack focus and discipline. Charm is all well and good but in the real world knowledge is power. You wouldn't make it past the first round of admissions at Yale no matter how hard you tried. Have fun in Providence. [Blair walks off]

Blair Waldorf:
[Blair referring to Serena to her Yale interviewer] Well I'm aware that I lack some people's easy grace with strangers, and I don't exactly make you feel you've known me forever even though we just met. When I laugh you might not smile just that the coquettish sound of it and I may not be spontaneous or delightful or full of surprises and my hair may not sparkle when it catches the light! Everything worth knowing about me is in that folder. I made sure of it.

Blair Waldorf:
What are you doing Serena?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oh these lovely people were just showing me the course catalog.

Blair Waldorf:
No, here Yale. Yale is mine.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well I admit I came to punish you for the things you said to me this morning.

Blair Waldorf:
Fine, consider me punished. You can go home now!

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Poor S, she should know B's rules by now. When someone leaves you off the list, don't get mad, get in.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I'm so glad they did this alphabetically, cause now I get to see the look on your face when I use your answer even sooner.

Blair Waldorf:
I can tell you right now the look on my face will be a vindication.

Blair Waldorf:
Of all the things, Nate, my mom, the girls at school - you wouldn't take this from me. [pause] Because if you do, I swear I will take you down.

Blair Waldorf:
I'm not taking anything from you Blair, I was invited. And as for taking me down, I'd love to see you try.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I can't do it anymore Blair.

Blair Waldorf:
That's because you almost lost. I had you pinned with that chicken wing, don't deny it.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I don't mean this, I mean everything. The wars, the betrayal, the watching out for every possible land mine. It's exhausting.

Blair Waldorf:
I'm sick of it too. I'm sick of always looking like Darth Vader next to sunshine Barbie. Life's to short, but you make it feel so long.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well if that's how we feel then maybe, maybe we shouldn't be friends. We were probably gonna grow apart in college anyway, so might as well just start now right?

Blair Waldorf:
Fine by me. You'll live your life, I'll live mine.

Serena van der Woodsen:
That sounds great.

Blair Waldorf:
I agree.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] From conrads to combat we thought we'd seen it all, but we've never seen this: Serena and Blair calling a cease fire. After so much scorched earth, can either side claim victory?

Blair Waldorf:
What are you doing here? Making sure the Dean knows it's all my fault?

Serena van der Woodsen:
No - I came to tell him that Yale is your dream and you deserve to go here more than I do. What are you doing here?

Blair Waldorf:
Doing the same thing for you.

Blair Waldorf:
I don't wanna not know you. I can't not know you.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Maybe we just had that fight because the reality of being separated next year is just scary to think about.

Blair Waldorf:
So... [Serena grabs Blair's hand]

Serena van der Woodsen:
Wait for me. We'll ride home together.

Blair Waldorf:
Okay.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I won't accept, I can't like this. [talking about her Yale acceptance]

Blair Waldorf:
What? No you have to. It doesn't matter how you got it or why, it's an opportunity.

Serena van der Woodsen:
No your my best friend. What's mine is yours.

Blair Waldorf:
You can't share this.

Serena van der Woodsen:
We'll find a way, together. [hugs Blair]

Serena van der Woodsen:
You look calm for someone who no longer has the perfect answer to the Dean's question.

Blair Waldorf:
You don't think I came all the way here without a backup answer do you? Oh and it's a real crowd pleaser, it's gonna kill.

Blair Waldorf:
Trying to come up with an answer for the Dean's parlor game?

Serena van der Woodsen:
You manipulated your way in here?

Blair Waldorf:
I get what I want Serena. Just like I'm gonna win tonight. What's your answer? Oh, no let me guess - Lauren Conrad?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Try George Sand.

Blair Waldorf:
Wait that's...

Serena van der Woodsen:
Your answer? Not anymore. If your gonna cheat your way in then why should I play fair. Oh and I heard that the Dean asks his question in alphabetical order so since V comes before W, looks like the answers all mine.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I cannot believe you did this.

Blair Waldorf:
Why? It's not like you don't deserve it.

Dean Berube:
Ms. van der Woodsen, would you like to explain?

Serena van der Woodsen:
No, of course Dean Berube. Pete Fairman was a man that I knew.

Blair Waldorf:
Man slash dealer.

Dean Berube:
Ms. Waldorf let her speak.

Serena van der Woodsen:
He died almost two years ago when I was with him. What happened was a tragedy and I am filled with regret over it, but I was not responsible.

Blair Waldorf:
Were you responsible for the sextape?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair!

Blair Waldorf:
It wasn't very sexy if you ask me.

[Blair starts chucking and trying to taunt Serena]

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair that's enough let's go! Dean Berube, do you mind if we um, sort this out privately please?

Dean Berube:
Take all the time you need.

Blair Waldorf:
[Serena takes Blair outside of the Dean's house] Get your hands off of me! You're trying to kill me too!

Serena van der Woodsen:
A guy died and you use it as part of a game? Who does that?

Blair Waldorf:
It isn't a game! And this isn't just another thing on a laundry list, this is Yale, my dream! You crossed the line!

Serena van der Woodsen:
And so did you when you brought up Pete! As far as my being here, you take that up with the school!

[Serena starts to walk off and then Blair throws her purse at Serena's head]

Serena van der Woodsen:
You did not just do that.

Blair Waldorf:
Why do you think you were invited? You know on paper your not Yale material! Could it be your face on page six of every tabloid magazine in the country? Your name everywhere? Face it Serena, Yale needs to up their hue rating just like all the other schools and their gonna use girls like you to do it!

Serena van der Woodsen:
Shut up!

[Serena pushes Blair]

Blair Waldorf:
You shut up!

[Blair pushes Serena and they both get in a catfight]

Gossip Girl:
Hey, Upper East Siders. Gossip Girl here. And I have the biggest news ever.

Rachel Bilson:
[enters] Serena. You're back from boarding school.

Gossip Girl:
[reading from a script] "Yeah, hi Blair, so I gotta go".

Rachel Bilson:
Come on, Bell, can't you try a little harder?

Gossip Girl:
If I'm being really honest, Rachel, I don't think you can pull off high school anymore.

Rachel Bilson:
Thanks a lot.

Gossip Girl:
Sorry.

Rachel Bilson:
[as Kristen Bell is looking at her iPod] Come on, you are always on that thing. This audition is really important to me. Plus the book is a best-seller and has a built-in movie audience. This Dan Humphrey is a really good writer.

Gossip Girl:
O.M.G. You are not going to believe who Gossip Girl really is.

Rachel Bilson:
Wait. Gossip Girl is real?

[Kirsten Bell winks at the camera]

Blair Waldorf:
Only a masochist could ever love such a narcissist.

Blair Waldorf:
Whatever you're going through, I wanna be there for you.

Chuck Bass:
We've talked about this. You are not my girlfriend.

Blair Waldorf:
But I am me. And you are you. We're Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. The worst thing you've ever done, the darkest thought you've ever had, I will stand by you through anything.

Chuck Bass:
And why would you do that.

Blair Waldorf:
Because I love you.

Chuck Bass:
Well, that's too bad.

Lily van der Woodsen:
[Lily looks at an article about Bart's death] What a nice photo. Remind me to send a thank-you note to the photo editor.

Eleanor Waldorf:
[Eleanor looks at an article about Bart's death] That's a good picture. Lily should send a thank-you note to the photo editor.

Cyrus Rose:
That sermon was surprisingly thought-provoking. That stuff about life and death, and time on our side being so fleeting.

Eleanor Waldorf:
Darling, it's a funeral. What was he supposed to talk about, the stock market?

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Spotted: Chuck Bass leaving his father's funeral and Blair Waldorf shedding tears for the dearly departed.

Cyrus Rose:
[to Blair] I just hope you know how happy I am, not just to be with your mother, but to have you, family. I love you very, very much.

Blair Waldorf:
[crying] I told Chuck I love him.

Cyrus Rose:
Really? That's wonderful.

Blair Waldorf:
No, it's not, it's horrible. I thought that if I could finally say it that everything would change, but he is just as selfish and solace as ever. Only a masochist could ever love such as narcissist. Help me. [hugs Cyrus]

Cyrus Rose:
You don't need help. He just needs time.

Blair Waldorf:
Wait. [hugs Cyrus again] Not enough.

Nate Archibald:
[to Blair] You're really sweet with him.

Blair Waldorf:
Me? Sweet? No!

Nate Archibald:
But you are. I mean, worrying about him, offering him food, it's downright maternal.

Blair Waldorf:
I'm not maternal. I've just been spending too much time with Cyrus and I'm turning Jewish.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] More towers than Trump, more bucks than Bloomberg. Bart Bass definitely made his mark on Manhattan. The passing of a public figure can shake a whole town, but the real story is always the one happening in private away from the headlines at home.

Nate Archibald:
[to Chuck] You don't even have to stay that long. You should let people shake your hand, say hello, and you're done.

Chuck Bass:
You don't have to convince me.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh, good. Well, I just thought that after what happened at the church, you might not wanna be here.

Eleanor Waldorf:
[to Blair] How is Charles holding up?

Blair Waldorf:
Who knows? He's not returning any of my calls or texts, but the hotel says that they keep sending up food, so there's something alive in that room.

Dan Humphrey:
You really wanna go out with some guy you don't know?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well you can't be any worse than the guys I do know.

Chuck Bass:
I love it when you talk dirty.

Serena van der Woodsen:
You just love it when a girl talks to you.

Serena van der Woodsen:
So hows your mom going, with the divorce and all?

Blair Waldorf:
Great. So my dad left her for another man- she lost fifteen pounds and got an eyelift. It's been good for her.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I'm really sorry.

Blair Waldorf:
Yeah, I could tell. Since you didn't call or write the entire time it was happening.

Serena van der Woodsen:
How's your mom doing with the divorce?

Blair Waldorf:
So, my dad left her for another man. She lost 15 pounds, got an eye lift. It's been good for her.

Eleanor Waldorf:
If you're gonna wear one of my designs, at least tell me so we can have it fitted.

Blair Waldorf:
Thanks, mom.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Better lock it down with Nate, B. Clock is ticking.

Dan Humphrey:
I don't read Gossip Girl. That's for chicks.

Jenny Humphrey:
So we should just be anonymous losers who eat lunch alone and never get invited to parties?

Dan Humphrey:
Works for me.

Serena van der Woodsen:
You know my mom: if it's not broke, break it.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Look, Blair's my best friend and you're her boyfriend. And she loves you. That's the way things are supposed to be.

Nate Archibald:
You're back now.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I didn't come back for you.

Chuck Bass:
Serena looked effin' hot last night. There's something wrong with that level of perfection. It needs to be violated.

Nate Archibald:
You are deeply disturbed.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair. Maybe we could meet tonight?

Blair Waldorf:
I'd love to! But I'm doing something with Nate tonight.

Serena van der Woodsen:
The Palace. 8:00? Nate will wait.

Gossip Girl:
[narration; voice-over] Spotted at the Constance Billard Steps, S & B power struggle.

Blair Waldorf:
I could only do... half hour?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Thanks for making the time.

Blair Waldorf:
You're my best friend.

Chuck Bass:
Hi. I'm Chuck

Jenny Humphrey:
I know, uhm, I mean, hi I'm Jenny.

Chuck Bass:
Do you following us or something?

Dan Humphrey:
No, I, I, go to your school. Identical uniforms? That kind of a tip off?

Nate Archibald:
That's funny.

Dan Humphrey:
So... you guys wanna sit together at lunch?

Isabel Coates:
Someone saw Serena getting off the train at Grand Central!

Chuck Bass:
Good. Things are getting a little DULL around here.

Chuck Bass:
You guys have been dating since kindergarten and you haven't sealed the deal.

Nate Archibald:
Who says 'seal the deal?'

Serena van der Woodsen:
So, when's the party?

Blair Waldorf:
Saturday... and you're kinda not invited. Since, until 12 hours ago, we all thought you were at boarding school. And Jenny used up all the invites.

Jenny Humphrey:
Actually... "

Blair Waldorf:
You can go now.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Did B think S would go down without a fight? Or can these two hotties work it out? There's nothing Gossip Girl likes more than a good cat fight. And this could be a classic.

Rufus Humphrey:
Maybe if musicians got off their blogs and picked up their guitars, the music business would be in better shape.

Jenny Humphrey:
Too bad it's more than our rent. But I think I can sew something like it.

Nate Archibald:
Do you ever feel like our whole lives have been planned out for us?

Chuck Bass:
So smoke up and seal the deal with Blair. Because you're also entitled the tap that ass.

Serena van der Woodsen:
You're like my sister. And with our families... we need each other.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I miss you. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be. Ya know walking to school together. Dancing on tables at Bungalow. Midnight swimming at your mom's country house. Your like my sister. And ya know with our families, we need each other.

Blair Waldorf:
Well, you missed some classic Eleanor Waldorf meltdowns. If it wasn't such a tradgedy it would've been funny. Actually it kind of was.

[both girls laugh]

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well I wish I could've been there.

Blair Waldorf:
You are now. I have to meet Nate. Kinda have something special planned.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well I don't wanna keep you but um...

Serena van der Woodsen:
[gives Blair a hug] I love you B.

Blair Waldorf:
I love you too S.

Isabel:
Oh my god, you'll never believe what's on Gossip Girl!

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oh my god, this is so good! Thank you!

Chuck Bass:
You know, if you really want to thank me, I've got a few ideas...

Serena van der Woodsen:
It's just a sandwich, Chuck.

Nate Archibald:
[Serena hands him a bottle of champagne whose cork immediately pops, spilling onto both of them] Whoops! I swear, that's never happened to me before. [he laughs]

Chuck Bass:
Who is that?

Blair Waldorf:
Probably some b*tch from Chapin.

Chuck Bass:
A hot b*tch from Chapin.

Rufus Humphrey:
Guess whos dad is cool!

Jenny Humphrey:
It's a trick-question.

Dan Humphrey:
Yeah, cos it can't be ours.

Chuck Bass:
I'm going to have to tell my parents the hotel they just bought is serving minors.

Serena van der Woodsen:
And if you get a drink, they're also serving pigs.

Chuck Bass:
I love it when you talk dirty.

Gossip Girl:
And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell. You know you love me. Xoxo, GossipGirl

Chuck Bass:
Who's the newbie?

Kati Farkas:
Jenny Humphrey. She's a freshman.

Chuck Bass:
I love freshmen. They're so...

Isabel Coates:
Fresh?

Rufus Humphrey:
Hey, you made it! Welcome back. How was your weekend? How's your mom?

Jenny Humphrey:
She's fine.

Dan Humphrey:
She's good.

Jenny Humphrey:
Fine and good.

Dan Humphrey:
She's good and... fine.

Rufus Humphrey:
Like "maybe I never should have left Manhattan" fine or "taking a time-out from my marriage was the best idea I ever had" fine?

Eleanor Waldorf:
Blair, if you're going to wear one of my designs, tell me so we can at least get it properly fitted.

Blair Waldorf:
Thanks, mom. I'll keep that in mind. Great party.

Eleanor Waldorf:
[to party guest] She is my best advertisement.

Isabel Coates:
Oh, my God- you'll never believe what's on Gossip Girl! Someone saw Serena getting off the train at Grand Central!

Chuck Bass:
Good. Things were starting to get a little dull around here.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Let me guess, you told everyone Erik's just visiting Grandpa in Rhode Island.

Lily van der Woodsen:
Your Aunt Carol in Miami.

Serena van der Woodsen:
So you're actually hiding him. He tries to take his own life and you're worried it's going to cost you mom of the year?

Lily van der Woodsen:
Serena, you've been gone. Doing who-knows-what with God-knows who.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I told you, boarding school was not like that!

Lily van der Woodsen:
As happy as I am to have you home, you have no idea what it's been like.

Nate Archibald:
Serena...

Serena van der Woodsen:
No!... No.

Nate Archibald:
But you're back now.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I didn't come back for you! Look, Blair's my best friend, and you're her boyfriend, and she loves you. That's the way things are supposed to be.

Chuck Bass:
Serena looked effing hot last night. There's something wrong with that level of perfection. It needs to be violated.

Nate Archibald:
You are deeply disturbed.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Gossip Girl here. Your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

Jenny Humphrey:
Ah, the invisible man returns.

Blair Waldorf:
She better not show her face again.

Chuck Bass:
I'm actually hoping she will.

Blair Waldorf:
Do you want us to wait? It looks like you've got a lot of yogurt left.

Isabel Coates:
Gossip Girl just saw Serena getting off the train at Grand Central!

Chuck Bass:
Good. Things were getting a little dull around here.

Blair Waldorf:
I love you Nate Archibald. Always have, always will.

Chuck Bass:
What we're entitled to is a house in the Hamptons. Maybe a perscription drug problem. But happiness does not seem to be on the menu so smoke up and seal the deal with Blair because you're also entitled to tap that ass.

Gossip Girl:
Why so thirsty, S? You may have won B over, but we still think you're hiding something.

Chuck Bass:
Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty.

Serena van der Woodsen:
You just love it when a girl talks to you.

Chuck Bass:
Actually I prefer them when they're not talking.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Chuck, I've missed your witty banter.

Lily van der Woodsen:
Why is my daughter going to one of your concerts?

Rufus Humphrey:
'Cause we're awesome.

Gossip Girl:
Did B think S would go down without a fight? Or can these two hotties work it out? There's nothing Gossip Girl likes more than a good catfight. And this could be a classic.

Serena van der Woodsen:
How's your mom doing with the divorce?

Blair Waldorf:
Great. So my dad left her for another man. She lost fifteen pounds, got an eyelift. It's been good for her.

Chuck Bass:
I love this town. I'm going to have to tell my parents the hotel they just bought is serving minors.

Serena van der Woodsen:
And if you get a drink, they're also serving pigs.

Chuck Bass:
Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty.

Serena van der Woodsen:
You just love when a girl talks to you.

Chuck Bass:
Actually, I prefer them when they're not talking.

Serena van der Woodsen:
[sarcastically] Mm. I've missed your witty banter.

Chuck Bass:
Let's catch up. Take our clothes off, stare at each other.

Serena van der Woodsen:
How about I just get a bite to eat? I'm drinking on an empty stomach.

Chuck Bass:
I heard you didn't do that anymore.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Special occasion.

Chuck Bass:
Well, how about a grilled cheese with truffle oil? You love truffles.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Enough to know it's not on the menu.

Chuck Bass:
I'm connected.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Only 'cause I'm hungry.

Gossip Girl:
And who am I? That's another secret I'll never tell. You know you love me. Xo xo Gossip Girl

Gossip Girl:
Gossip Girl here your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhatten's elite

Chuck Bass:
[to a very sad Nate] It's like you're headed to your execution. Talk to Chuck, buddy.

Chuck Bass:
Do you ever feel like our whole lives have been planned out for us? That we're just gonna end up like our parents?

Nate Archibald:
Man, that's a dark thought.

Rufus Humphrey:
[after seeing Jenny all dolled-up for a party] Oh my God! My daughter is a woman!

Jenny Humphrey:
[blushing] Dad, you can just tell me I look nice.

Chuck Bass:
Nathaniel, you're finally about to have sex with your girlfriend. It's like you're headed to your execution. Talk to Chuck, buddy.

Nate Archibald:
Do you ever feel like our whole lives have been planned out for us? That we're just gonna end up like our parents?

Chuck Bass:
Man, that's a dark thought.

Nate Archibald:
And aren't we entitled to choose just to... be happy?

Chuck Bass:
[mockingly] Look, easy Socrates. What we're entitled to is a trust fund, maybe a house in the Hamptons, a prescription drug problem... but happiness does not seem to be on the menu.So smoke up and seal the deal with Blair, 'cause you're also entitled to tap that ass.

Serena van der Woodsen:
What's that?

Blair Waldorf:
It's a letter. I wrote it while you where in boarding school. I never sent it. [reads from letter] Dear Serena. My world is falling apart. My father left my mother for a thirty-one year old model. A *male* model. I feel like screaming because I have no one to talk to. You're gone. My dad is gone. Nate's acting weird. [beat] Where are you? Why won't you call? Why did you leave without saying goodbye? You're supposed to be my best friend. I miss you so much. Love Blair.

Blair Waldorf:
[to Serena when she is late to school] Aww, too bad you missed the assembly. Not that it matters. Brown doesn't offer degrees in slut.

Dan Humphrey:
You're not helping.

Jenny Humphrey:
Not trying to help.

Chuck Bass:
Because I'm Chuck Bass.

Chuck Bass:
Why should I be chosen as an usher? [thinks] Well I'm Chuck Bass.

Blair Waldorf:
You weren't such a perv, I'm sure the CIA would hire you in a second.

Chuck Bass:
Defending my country, now there's a future I never envisioned.

Blair Waldorf:
With good reason.

Jenny Humphrey:
We're Humphreys' Dad. Not exactly royalty uptown.

Rufus Humphrey:
You okay with that?

Jenny Humphrey:
No, but I'm used to it.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair, what the hell was that?

Blair Waldorf:
Will you excuse us please.

Serena van der Woodsen:
So we good now, we square?

Blair Waldorf:
No. Because nothing I do will ever be as bad as what you did to me.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Look I'm asking you please, I'll stop if you will.

Blair Waldorf:
Your just saying that because today you lost and your gonna keep losing. Now if you'll excuse me unlike you I have a future to get back to.

[just after Blair read Serena her letter]

Serena van der Woodsen:
Why didn't you send it? I would've...

Blair Waldorf:
You would've what? You knew Serena and you didn't even call.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I didn't know what to say to you or even how to be your friend after what I did. I'm so sorry.

Chuck Bass:
Why should I be chosen to be an usher? I'm Chuck Bass.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Looks like World War 3 has just broken out and it's wearing knee socks. Choose your side or run and hide.

Kati Farkas:
Have you seen Serena?

Isabel Coates:
I wonder where she is.

Blair Waldorf:
And you know what I wonder? How I'm supposed to hear anything about Yale with all this talk about Serena.

Blair Waldorf:
Do you remember when dad gave me my first Yale sweatshirt? I don't think any piece of clothing has ever fit me more perfectly. Not to mention how adorable I found that bulldog. Remember when I asked you if I could get a bulldog? Good call by the way saying no. And now the big day is finally here. Soon Nate and I will be away at college. Him coming down to Yale, me going up to Dartmouth. Dad flying in for the Princeton game. I hope it doesn't make you feel old watching me grow up.

Dorota:
Eat up Ms. Blair. Your mom would want you to have a good breakfast.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Spotted: S not so fashionably late and dressed down by B. Game on ladies.

Serena van der Woodsen:
[the girls are playing field hockey] Look I made a mistake with Nate okay but then you sabotage me with Dan. We don't have to be friends... [Blair hits Serena's foot with her stick] Ughhh!

Field Hockey Coach:
What's up Waldorf?

Blair Waldorf:
Sorry slipped.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I'm fine. [the game continues] I really wanna belive that was an accident.

Blair Waldorf:
Then you must be delusional. [for the second time Blair comes up and shoves Serena hard] [the coach gives her a flag]

Serena van der Woodsen:
Thank you. [now for the third time Blair comes up and knocks Serena to ground]

Field Hockey Coach:
I'm running of colors here Blair.

Serena van der Woodsen:
And I'm running out of patience. Enough okay?

Blair Waldorf:
It's enough when I say it's enough. [the game continues on again and this time Serena comes up and tackles Blair to the ground] Ohhh! Get off!

Field Hockey Coach:
Girls break it up!

Blair Waldorf:
Get off of me!

Serena van der Woodsen:
Is that enough yet? [pause] So we've actually come to physical blows huh? Truce?

Blair Waldorf:
Owww! My leg!

Field Hockey Coach:
Serena you're out of here!

Serena van der Woodsen:
I hope it's broken.

Blair Waldorf:
Owww!

Blair Waldorf:
What is she doing there?

Chuck Bass:
Well what's anyone doing there. It's a facility for the disturbed or addicted.

Blair Waldorf:
You must have your own wing.

Chuck Bass:
You don't get nearly enough credit for your wit. [pause]

Chuck Bass:
So the question is, what do you do now?

Blair Waldorf:
I was thinking total social destruction.

Chuck Bass:
And here I thought you were getting soft. [pause] So this is your bed huh?

Blair Waldorf:
Leaving now.

Chuck Bass:
You can repay me another time.

Dan Humphrey:
In an ironic - though not totally unexpected - twist, Nate got the one I wanted.

Chuck Bass:
Women like to pretend they're complicated. I know better.

Dan Humphrey:
[about Nate] Last year, I believe he had an original thought. It died of loneliness.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Honesty may be the best policy in some zip codes, but not in this one and not this week, 'cause "I was a teenage drug addict" is not exactly a winning college essay.

Lily van der Woodsen:
[after Serena spent the night in her brother's hospital room] Why sleep there? It's not like he can even see you. His eyes are closed.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Do you have one maternal bone in your entire body?

Blair Waldorf:
[after Chuck says some nasty things] Agh, you're heinous.

Chuck Bass:
[amused] Which is probably why you called.

Blair Waldorf:
You know me well.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Hey, hey, do you know what happened? Why is Blair so upset?

Dan Humphrey:
Look, Blair and Chuck were gonna self destruct at some point so I just may have helped it along.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Wait, you intentionally sabotaged Blair?

Dan Humphrey:
I know you're upset and that was not my intention but I just found out they completely screwed over Vanessa.

Serena van der Woodsen:
No, whatever they did to Vanessa is different. This is about two people who love each other.

Dan Humphrey:
Blair and Chuck? Come on.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I don't understand, I thought you wanted to help Blair.

Dan Humphrey:
No I did this for you because you wanted me to help her. I don't care about Blair Waldorf, all of this is a game to her.

Serena van der Woodsen:
No, in this case it's not. Blair loves Chuck, she's just been to scared to admit it.

Eleanor Waldorf:
You are lucky I don't fire you this minute.

Jenny Humphrey:
Oh, you are lucky that I don't just quit!

Dan Humphrey:
You and Chuck have been toying with each other forever so, you didn't win this one. You ever think maybe you should just let it go?

Blair Waldorf:
This is different.

Dan Humphrey:
Why? [Dan looks at Blair] Do, do you love him? [Blair gives him an approving look] Wow, someone loves Chuck Bass.

Blair Waldorf:
I don't know, I just... I don't understand how it got to this place.

Dan Humphrey:
Ya know the first time that I told Serena I loved her, it was terrifying. I've never felt so exposed. But the feeling I got when she said it back to me was probably the single greatest moment of my life.

Blair Waldorf:
But you broke up.

Dan Humphrey:
Doesn't mean I wouldn't do it all over again.

Blair Waldorf:
If I say it, he wins and if he wins, then I'll just... be another girl to him.

Dan Humphrey:
You don't know that's true. You have to decide whats most important to you. Keeping your pride and getting nothing or taking a risk and maybe, maybe having everything.

Dan Humphrey:
Blair Waldorf in Brooklyn. Are you two lost?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Will you talk to her please?

Blair Waldorf:
There's nothing to talk about, I told you it's over.

Serena van der Woodsen:
She stopped listening to me, maybe she'll listen to you

Dan Humphrey:
Um, sure.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I'm gonna go check out the art - in the art gallery. Talk. [Serena walks off]

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Spotted: Upper East Side beauty laying down the gauntlet for her favorite beast, but be careful princess, it's gonna take more than a leg to get this prince to ravish you.

Blair Waldorf:
Wanna get a drink?

Chuck Bass:
Wanna say those three little words?

Blair Waldorf:
No.

Chuck Bass:
Then no drink.

Blair Waldorf:
Why? Scarred you won't be able to handle it? [Blair lifts up her skirt and Chuck sees she has a gird on]

Blair Waldorf:
You have to help me destroy Chuck Bass.

Dan Humphrey:
Alright I'll take that as my cue to leave.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh your very perceptive. [Dan starts to leave but Serena stops him]

Serena van der Woodsen:
Dan wait. [starts talking to Blair] If your having a problem with Chuck then a man's perspective could be helpful.

Blair Waldorf:
Ya know just because you two are making a doomed attempt to being friends doesn't mean I have to play the enabler.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Blair come on.

Dan Humphrey:
Well if your plotting against Chuck Bass then I'm sure I can think of something.

Blair Waldorf:
Fine. I have an itch that only Chuck can scratch and he won't oblige unless I tell him I love him.

Dan Humphrey:
You need help getting Chuck to sleep with you, really?

Chuck Bass:
[Chuck rides up in his limo and rolls down the window] Wanna get in? I'd love to give you a ride.

Blair Waldorf:
Well I'm sure you would. Too bad you've made the terms of that arrangement impossible.

Chuck Bass:
About that, maybe I was a litte too hasty. Come on, get in.

Blair Waldorf:
Maybe I don't want you anymore.

Chuck Bass:
Don't torture me. I'm dying. [Blair starts to get in when Chuck pushes down the lock] All you have to do is say those three magic words.

Blair Waldorf:
I hate you. [Chuck rolls up the window and leaves]

Blair Waldorf:
Are you here to gloat?

Chuck Bass:
Over what?

Blair Waldorf:
Well you won. Pop the champagne.

Chuck Bass:
I didn't win.

Blair Waldorf:
Then why does it feel like I lost?

Chuck Bass:
The reason we can't say those three words to each other isn't because thy aren't true.

Blair Waldorf:
Then why?

Chuck Bass:
I think we both know, the moment we do, it won't be the start of something, it'll be the end. Think about it, Chuck and Blair going to the movies? Chuck and Blair holding hands?

Blair Waldorf:
We don't have to do those things. We can do the things we like.

Chuck Bass:
What we like is this.

Blair Waldorf:
The game.

Blair Waldorf:
I have an itch only Chuck can scratch.

Chuck Bass:
I'm bored. And you've ruined my pants.

Blair Waldorf:
Like a Bass out of hell.

Dan Humphrey:
Someone loves Chuck Bass?

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Her knight in shining Armani.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] The problem with fairy tales is that they set a girl up for disappointment. In real life the prince goes off with the wrong princess.

[pause]

Gossip Girl:
Or the spell wears off and two lovers realize their better off as... well whatever they are.

Chuck Bass:
Brooklyn?

[Chuck meets Blair on a rooftop in Brooklyn]

Blair Waldorf:
At least it will be memorable.

Chuck Bass:
I'm sorry but don't you have something you wanna say to me?

Blair Waldorf:
Yes.

[pause]

Blair Waldorf:
This is so silly. What does it matter who says it first, why don't we just say it together?

Chuck Bass:
Because that wasn't the deal.

Blair Waldorf:
Why does everything have to be a deal?

Chuck Bass:
Because we made it one.

[Blair looks indecisive]

Chuck Bass:
What's going on Blair? You told me you had something to say to me, say it.

Blair Waldorf:
[Blair on the verge of tears] Why do I have to be the one to go first? I was the one who waited on that helipad for you. I went to Tuscany alone.

Chuck Bass:
That's ancient history.

Blair Waldorf:
I was the one who asked you to say it first.

Chuck Bass:
At the white party? When you were on your way out with the count? Because did you really think I was going to say it then?

Blair Waldorf:
Yes! And when you didn't I wanted to die!

Chuck Bass:
Don't tell me you brought me all the way to Brooklyn for this? I thought you were ready to tell me how you really felt, obviously it was just another one of your games.

Blair Waldorf:
My games? You were the one who started this.

Chuck Bass:
And you're the one who finished it.

[Blair walks off]

Dan Humphrey:
I'm already late to meet Alessandra in Brooklyn. She's dying to come over the loft 'cause I know she wants to read my first chapter.

Blair Waldorf:
It's not done?

Dan Humphrey:
It's basically done.

Blair Waldorf:
What is Dan Humphrey's definition of "basically"?

Dan Humphrey:
Page 2. I'm blocked, alright? It happens.

Blair Waldorf:
Chuck, I don't have time for any of your nonsense. I have a very busy day planned.

Chuck Bass:
Blair, listen to me please. I have this book. It's written in code and I desperately need to crack. And I remembered how good you are at things like this. Or at least you were. Maybe that was the old you?

Blair Waldorf:
[got a text from Dan cancelling their lunch plans] You know what, Bass? Today is your lucky day.

Dan Humphrey:
Well, for starters, I will be going all summer so, you know, being a 21st century boyfriend I thought we should discuss it first.

Blair Waldorf:
That's sweet. But I would never stand in the way of an opportunity like that. You have to take it.

Blair Waldorf:
Scheming is classic Blair.

Blair Waldorf:
Be with us. Not against us.

Blair Waldorf:
Let's get rid of this b*tch once and for all.

Chuck Bass:
After everything we've been through, there's no room for secrets. Nor should there be. Whatever it is you can tell me, Blair. It's just us here you and me.

Jenny Humphrey:
You know at least last year it was my face on the cake. And the people at my party might've hated me, but at least they knew who I was. I know that it's hard for you guys to understand, but I like being me and as crazy as it may seem, I choose not to be a Park Avenue Princess on my birthday or any other day.

[first lines]

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Welcome back Upper East Siders. After a long hot summer away, I see that it didn't take much time for you to dirty up the clean slates I gave you. My inbox is overflowing, so let's get to the good stuff shall we? Spotted: Chuck Bass up to his old tricks. Poor B. I guess nothing good lasts forever.

Blair Waldorf:
What if we need games? What if without them we're boring?

Chuck Bass:
We could never be boring.

Blair Waldorf:
You say that, but I know you. You're Chuck Bass.

Chuck Bass:
I'm not Chuck Bass without you.

Dan Humphrey:
When you told me about the idea of rewriting the ending of my story, I thought maybe... maybe that's the answer.

Serena Van Der Woodsen:
Then what stopped you?

Dan Humphrey:
When I saw Blair discover how she felt about Chuck, she was heartbroken. I mean, I've been so consumed about my own feelings I wouldn't let myself see how much she loves Chuck. You were right. She didn't need my confession. She needed my help.

Serena Van Der Woodsen:
Wow, that's... that's a really amazing thing to do, Dan.

Dan Humphrey:
Well, I mean, I... It wasn't easy, but I do think I can give myself a new ending by making sure that she and Chuck get the ending they deserve. I want her to be happy.

Blair Waldorf:
Hey! Nice holiday spirit scrooge! [trying to flag down a cab but it doesn't stop for her]

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oh gosh, so it's gonna be a real Waldorf Christmas?

Blair Waldorf:
Well a real Waldorf Christmas Eve. Eleanor drew the line at Christmas Day that's only for me, her, and Dorota.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Well you still have a couple of days with your dad.

Blair Waldorf:
Well it'll be more than just a couple of days, I'm gonna convince him to stay in New York.

Serena van der Woodsen:
What about Paris and Roman?

Blair Waldorf:
Roman is a phase my father belongs here with me, he only left New York to ride out the scandal. Time to come home, don't you think? Hey did you wanna ask me something?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Yes, a gift idea for Dan now that Vanessa got him the most thoughtful Dan-like present ever.

Blair Waldorf:
Why don't you just buy him a new outfit for Cedrick and call it day.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Thank you for being totally not helpful at all. See you tomorrow night.

Blair Waldorf:
Bye!

Blair Waldorf:
[leaving a voicemail to Chuck] Chuck you are not answering my calls to torture me I'm sure but please for the love of God do not tell anybody about us okay, please, please. [Blair hangs up the phone right as Serena walks in]

Serena van der Woodsen:
Hey you told me to come right away is everything alright?

Blair Waldorf:
Yeah.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Why aren't you with your dad?

Blair Waldorf:
I need your login for your agency site from your modeling days.

Serena van der Woodsen:
My modeling days? I did one print ad for Gap when I was twelve. What are you holding an open call or something?

Blair Waldorf:
Well I have one specific look in mind.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Okay, well I don't know if I'll still even be in here. Well look at that.

Blair Waldorf:
Addresses and phone numbers, perfect. You know I called you an hour ago BTW your late.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Um, your lucky I'm even here at all it's Christmas Eve and I still haven't found a gift for Dan. Now all the stores are closing and I'm totally screwed. Do you have any idea what you can buy for under fifty-dollars these days?

Blair Waldorf:
I dunno, a single entr?e at a mid-priced restaurant, three quarters of a DVD box set, maybe a pair of woolfred stockings.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oh, stockings yes great idea for Dan. Blair please this is serious.

Blair Waldorf:
I dunno, why don't you buy a him a gold money cliping card and say it's forty-nine ninety-nine he won't know the difference.

Serena van der Woodsen:
What are you doing anyway?

Blair Waldorf:
I'm booking me a model.

Blair Waldorf:
Dorota's gonna kill you if you get glue on that comforter.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Sorry we've turned your room into an art studio B but the clock is ticking.

Vanessa Abrams:
I'm done.

Eric van der Woodsen:
Wow.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oh my gosh, wow that's amazing. Thank you so much Vanessa this is going to be incredible.

Vanessa Abrams:
Good I'm glad I could help. I think he'll really love it.

Blair Waldorf:
Vanessa, I think I'd like to help with this little project. Would you come and help me find another pair of scissors? [Blair and Vanessa walk into the bathroom] It's so nice what your doing for your friend Dan, helping his girlfriend make his Christmas present. Serena is so grateful because she likes to see the best in people, I like to see the truth.

Vanessa Abrams:
Yeah? And what's that?

Blair Waldorf:
I think you like Dan a little too much, just thought I should let you know someone's watching. Merry Christmas. [Vanessa walks out of the bathroom]

Vanessa Abrams:
I'm taking off call me when you're done.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Okay, where you going?

Blair Waldorf:
I'm gonna go check on my daddy.

Eric van der Woodsen:
I thought you were gonna help.

Blair Waldorf:
I think my works done here.

Lily van der Woodsen:
When you two are done hiding up here I'm taking you both out for dessert.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Can't mom I'm busy.

Lily van der Woodsen:
But this is important for our family it'll just be the three of us.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Mom anytime you say it'll just be the three of us it means your dating someone new. Whoever it is I don't care I'll just see him at the wedding.

Lily van der Woodsen:
Fine, fine then I wil just tell you who it is because your going to be seeing him around from now on, it's Bart Bass.

Serena van der Woodsen, Eric van der Woodsen:
Bart Bass! [Serena and Eric say in unison]

Serena van der Woodsen:
Mom you can not date Bart Bass.

Lily van der Woodsen:
You just said a moment ago you didn't care who it was.

Serena van der Woodsen:
That was before I knew who it was.

Eric van der Woodsen:
He only has one facial expression he scares me.

Serena van der Woodsen:
And he raised Chuck that scares me.

Lily van der Woodsen:
Oh, Serena as usual your being overly dramatic. I'm not marrying Bart, this is very casual and regardless I'm not asking your permission.

Rufus Humphrey:
Hey Lil, you know everything's closed on Christmas. Diners that claim to be open twenty four seven, it's false advertising. So Alison's leaving she's spending time alone with the kids and I've seen to walk all the way from Brooklyn to your doorstep without a jacket in the snow, so what the hell. I miss you and I have been missing you for awhile.

Dan Humphrey:
Look Blair, I'm not trying to be difficult but I don't wanna just melt into your world and lose myself completely. We need a balance.

Blair Waldorf:
[to Dan] We tried to create a new world for our relationship to exist but we failed miserably. You don't live in my world and I certainly don't want to live in yours. So what does that leave us?

Blair Waldorf:
You do realize that means you'd be entering my world?

Dan Humphrey:
I do. Our relationship isn't about choosing one world or another. Our relationship is our world.

Blair Waldorf:
You just won 365 more days in your Ikea-furnished closet.

Vanessa Abrams:
You went to my building? You talked to my landlord?

Blair Waldorf:
No, I don't speak Ukrainian, but I do speak envelope of cash and he understood me perfectly.

Bart Bass:
So. Your new step-brother told me about your problem at school. Frankly, I wasn't surprised given your propensity for recklessness and adventure.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I'm sorry?

Bart Bass:
Don't tell your mother, but... I made a call.

Serena van der Woodsen:
You did what?

Bart Bass:
It was harder than usual. That new headmistress of yours is a new peice of work. I had to go over her head. Sorry I couldn't get the charges completely dropped, but, at least I got you minimal sentence.

Gossip Girl:
One thing about being on the inside, once you get there you don't always get to choose where you stand... or sit.

Chuck Bass:
[Chuck comes over, puts his hand on her knee but she tosses it away] I was just looking our for my family. The new Van Der Woodsen-Bass library should be completed for Eric's graduation.

Bart Bass:
I can see that Lily and I are going to have our hands full with the two of you.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Okay. Will you excuse me? I need some air.

Serena van der Woodsen:
So you don't buy what she said about me being the poster child for the new honor code? Look. I know for a fact that my mom didn't plead my case or donate anything, okay?

Dan Humphrey:
I didn't say a thing.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Are you really turning this into an upstairs-downstairs thing?

Dan Humphrey:
No. No, you are. I am being completely silent. I'm just happy that you're not being expelled or leaving town anytime soon. So are you hungry? We should...

Serena van der Woodsen:
Always. But you still believe that there's a double standard. That people like me get special treatment.

Serena's Chauffeur:
Ms. Van Der Woodsen. Your mother sent me to pick you up.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oh. Great. That was... thoughtful.

Dan Humphrey:
I think... you get no special treatment at all. Your life is completely uncharmed and average.

Serena van der Woodsen:
[to the limo driver] It's okay, I'll walk.

Blair Waldorf:
Blair Waldorf is not indebted to anyone. No matter how much I appreciate what you did.

Vanessa Abrams:
You're welcome... I guess?

Blair Waldorf:
Good. Now this transaction is finished. And I'm free to return to disliking you.

Vanessa Abrams:
I wouldn't have it any other way.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh, and, one more thing. If you didn't pay your rent with it, what did you do with Chuck's money?

Vanessa Abrams:
I may have created a medical grant for teen with genital herpies... in his name.

Chuck Bass:
Blair doesn't even want you. She's been crystal about that since we got back.

Nate Archiblaid:
Didn't seem that way when she kissed me at the pool.

Chuck Bass:
She kissed you?

Nate Archiblaid:
Well I kissed her, but... yup.

Chuck Bass:
Was she like... into it? Or was she more like...

Nate Archiblaid:
Of course she was into it, man. What do you think?

Chuck Bass:
Yeah I know, but, uh. You know Blair.

Nate Archiblaid:
[suggestively] Yes. I. Do.

Serena van der Woodsen:
I don't even know how she breathes with her blouse button that hish.

Chuck Bass:
How glad are you to see our families merge, Sis?

Serena van der Woodsen:
So glad that if you ever call me that again it'll be the last thign you ever say, Chuck.

Chuck Bass:
I love it. Our first brother-sister squabble. Well I hope you're going to make yourself available for more missed childhood memories. Bathing together, for example.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Tell me that Rufus is that important to you. Tell me that whatever the two of you have is the most important thing in your life. Because that's what Dan is to me mom. The most important. I would rather be Chuck's step-sister than Dan's. Please don't do this to me

Lily van der Woodsen:
Dan really means that much to you?

Serena van der Woodsen:
Yeah. He does.

Blair Waldorf:
Nate. Are you okay?

Nate Archiblaid:
It'll be fine. My parents have so much other stuff going on right now... they'll get over it. Either way, it was worth it.

Blair Waldorf:
Worth it?

Nate Archiblaid:
Yes. Blair, I know how much your future means to you. And you've worked so hard for Yale and everything that...

Blair Waldorf:
What are you talking about?

Blair Waldorf:
That key isn't mine. I was just hiding it for someone else... wait. That's why you were suspended? You told the headmistress it was yours because you thought it was mine? That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.

Nate Archiblaid:
I love you.

Blair Waldorf:
Please. You and I just can't happen right now.

Nate Archiblaid:
Why not?

Blair Waldorf:
I don't want to be with you.

Blair Waldorf:
What you said before... I love you too. Always have always will.

Chuck Bass:
What ever happened to don't speak until spoken to?

Dan Humphrey:
I just saw you with that key, I know you had it at the party.

Chuck Bass:
Poor little Humprey-Dumpty. Look, regardless of who you're currently sleeping with, you and I come from different worlds.

Headmistress Queller:
Dating Serena Van Der Woodsen...

Dan Humphrey:
Is that in my file?

Nate Archiblaid:
If you're ready to forgive me, then nothing can tear us apart. I promise.

Vanessa Abrams:
[after being bribed] You're sick.

Chuck Bass:
[taking videotape] You're welcome.

Dan Humphrey:
[as Serena covers his eyes and kisses him] Oh, Chuck, I had no idea you felt that way about me.

Blair Waldorf:
Enough with the blackmail. Aren't you bored already? I can't avoid Nate forever.

Chuck Bass:
Excuse me. [excuses the girl away from him that he was talking to] I didn't say forever. Just until the sight of the two of you together doesn't turn my stomach.

Blair Waldorf:
And when will that be?

Chuck Bass:
Only time will tell I'm afraid, so unless you want dear Nathaniel to know how you lost your virginity to me in the back of a moving vehicle I encourage patience and restraint.

Blair Waldorf:
Isn't there someone else you can torture?

Chuck Bass:
Probably but I choose you.

Chuck Bass:
Why don't I turn that one piece into a no-piece.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Find a floatie to talk to Chuck.

Chuck Bass:
Ya know if my dad and your mom come back from South Africa tomorrow engaged we'll be brother and sister, and you know what they say the family that plays together stays together.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Ah, incest the universal taboo. One of the only one's you haven't violated yet.

Chuck Bass:
Well I'm game if you are. [Serena starts to act like she's going to kiss him but instead knocks his drink out of his hand]

Blair Waldorf:
I'm innocent, well except for a crime of passion. I did something stupid with someone, and even worse than doing that stupid thing, I did the same stupid thing with someone else and pretended I had never done stupid thing before. You looked confused, should I walk you through it?

Headmistress Queller:
Let's stay on point. I reviewed your record, it's pristine. If Constance has a shining star it's Blair Waldorf. I would have never expected this from you.

Blair Waldorf:
I know I'm the perfect one.

Headmistress Queller:
Ms. Waldorf who broke into the pool?

Blair Waldorf:
Like you said my unfortunate participation in said party was entirely out of character, I don't know anything about it.

Blair Waldorf:
[Chuck grabs Blair's arm] Hey let go of me Bass!

Chuck Bass:
Drop your Archibald habit first.

Blair Waldorf:
You know I already have.

Chuck Bass:
Really? A kiss does sort of send the wrong signal, let's not waste time denying.

Blair Waldorf:
You know what, I'm tired of this go ahead and tell him.

Chuck Bass:
Really, you want me to tell him how you slept with me and faked your virginity for him.

Blair Waldorf:
I'll just tell him your lying and who do you think he'll believe? You who bangs anything in his field of vision or me his pure and honest girlfriend of many years.

Chuck Bass:
Oh now he'll believe me.

Blair Waldorf:
Why?

Chuck Bass:
I have proof. [Vanessa had filmed them on camera] Good eye docu-girl I'll take the tape now.

Blair Waldorf:
You knew she was watching? This is my house that tape belongs to me.

Vanessa Abrams:
Actually this is my footage and thanks to both of you I think I got a new angle on my subject.

Dan Humphrey:
[Dan walks up] Hey Vanessa let's get out of here.

Chuck Bass:
If you think I'm gonna let you walk out of here without that tape your crazy! [he grabs Vanessa's arm agressively]

Vanessa Abrams:
Let go of me!

Dan Humphrey:
Hey! Last time I checked I still owe you a black eye so unless this is you coming to claim it, stay away from her.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Now that sex and lies have been caught on videotape, V's documentary just became the most anticipated new release of the year.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Baruch Atah ay dios mio! This Passover is going to get its own Spanish Inquisition!

Chuck Bass:
[to Blair] Something this beautiful deserves to be seen on someone worthy of its beauty.

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Careful B. Hell hath no fury like a Chuck Bass scorned.

Blair Waldorf:
Do you... 'like' me?

Chuck Bass:
Define like.

Blair Waldorf:
You have got to be kidding me.

Chuck Bass:
How do you think I feel? I can't sleep! I feel sick, like there's something in my stomach... fluttering. [disgusted]

Blair Waldorf:
Butterflies? Oh no, no, no, no no. [horrified]

Blair Waldorf:
We ended it. I wanted to tell you but I thought that if part of me said it, it wouldn't be true. It was my birthday wish for us to get back together and now I think it's really over.

Chuck Bass:
Not as much as I enjoyed the memory of you purring in my ear which I have been replaying over and over...

Blair Waldorf:
Well erase the tape!

Chuck Bass:
Something this beautiful deserves to be seen on something worthy of its beauty... I really am sorry.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh my God! Do you like me?

Chuck Bass:
Define like...

Blair Waldorf:
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been... a while since my last confession.

Priest:
What troubles you, my child?

Blair Waldorf:
[sighs] After being broken up with my boyfriend for exactly twenty minutes, I succumbed to inebriation, performed at a Speak-Easy, and surrendered my virtue to a self-absorbed ass. The only good news is that he's a total pig who'll act like it never happened, thank God.

Priest:
Ahem.

Blair Waldorf:
Sorry. Truthfully, I'm not even Catholic.

Priest:
[sarcastically] You don't say?

Blair Waldorf:
But losing my virginity to Chuck Bass? None of my friends will ever understand. I'm ready for my punishment. Whatever you and God think is fair. Flogging, fasting, putting that thing with the teeth around my thigh like Silas.

Priest:
How about some food for thought instead? Don't drink, keep your clothes on, try avoiding those who might cause you to stray.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh, I plan to. Thank you, Father. That was very good advice.

[gets up but comes back]

Blair Waldorf:
You don't grant birthday wishes, do you?

Priest:
I'm a priest, not a genie.

Blair Waldorf:
Well, the next time you talk to Him, would you ask Him to send my boyfriend back to me?

Chuck Bass:
Are you ready for your present? [Blair grabs his hair and pulls] Owww! If you wanted to play ROUGH all you had to do was ask!

Blair Waldorf:
You nauseate me!

Chuck Bass:
All this talk about how you have to be with Nate or the world will end. Face it, it's over!

Blair Waldorf:
You sound like a jealous boyfriend

Chuck Bass:
Yeah right! You wish!

Blair Waldorf:
No. You wish!

Chuck Bass:
Please you forget who you're talking to

Blair Waldorf:
So do you. Do you... like me?

Chuck Bass:
Define "like"?

Blair Waldorf:
Ohh! Ahh! You have got to be kidding! I do not believe this

Chuck Bass:
How do you think I feel! I haven't sleep, I feel sick; like there is something in my stomach... fluttering.

Blair Waldorf:
Butterflies? Oh, no,no,no,no,no! No,no,no! This is not happening!

Chuck Bass:
Believe me no one is more surprised or ashamed than I am.

Blair Waldorf:
Chuck, you know that I adore all of God's creatures and the metaphors that they inspire, but those butterflies have got to be murdered!

Chuck Bass:
Fine! It wasn't that great anyway.

Blair Waldorf:
Thanks!

Chuck Bass:
[Opening his door] Nathaniel!

Nate Archibald:
Where's the girl?

Chuck Bass:
In my dreams. I was trying to get some shut-eye. What's on your mind?

Nate Archibald:
Just my mom...

Chuck Bass:
Sounds Freudian.

Nate Archibald:
[Waiting for Chuck to open the door] Come on, man. I can hear you breathing on the other side of the door.

Alison Humphrey:
[defending to her husband Rufus the decision to separate] My whole adult life has been about you.

Blair Waldorf:
A hot lifeguard is like kleenex, use once and throw away!

Gossip Girl:
[voice-over] Ain't Karma a b*tch? We all know Blair Waldorf is.

Eric van der Woodsen:
I know that face. That face is not your friend.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oh god, the lifeguard's got a camero. And not an ironic I've got a camero way.

Blair Waldorf:
Damn that mother-chucker!

[Blair about to leave with Marcus]

Blair Waldorf:
Chuck, aren't you done trying to destroy my night?

Chuck Bass:
Look, I should have never abandoned you. I know I made the wrong decision as soon as your plane took off. I distracted myself all summer, you might not feel it, but I still do.

Blair Waldorf:
And?

Chuck Bass:
I was scared, I was scared if we spent the whole summer together just us, you'll see.

Blair Waldorf:
See what?

Chuck Bass:
Me. Please don't leave with him.

Blair Waldorf:
Why? Give me a reason, and "I'm Chuck Bass" doesn't count.

Chuck Bass:
'Cause you don't want to.

Blair Waldorf:
Not good enough.

Chuck Bass:
'Cause I don't want you to.

Blair Waldorf:
That's not enough.

Chuck Bass:
What else is there?

Blair Waldorf:
The true reason I should stay right where I am and not get into the car. Three words, eight letter. Say it, and I'm yours.

Chuck Bass:
I... I...

Blair Waldorf:
Thank you, that's all I needed to hear.

Blair Waldorf:
Oh a honk instead of a knock. Did someone order a townie?

Blair Waldorf:
I wasn't aware that robots got jealous. Did they update your software when I was away?

Nate Archibald:
Get me drunk.

Blair Waldorf:
The only thing lamer than dating Dan Humphrey is mourning Dan Humphrey.

Blair Waldorf:
[turns] Chuck, aren't you done trying to ruin my night?

Chuck Bass:
Look, I never should have abandoned you. I knew that I had made the wrong decision as soon as your plane took off. I distracted myself all summer, hoping that I wouldn't feel it. But I still do.

Blair Waldorf:
And?

Chuck Bass:
I was scared. I was scared that if we spent the whole summer together, just us... you would see.

Blair Waldorf:
See what?

Chuck Bass:
Me. [steps closer] Please don't leave with him.

Blair Waldorf:
Why? Give me a reason. And "I'm Chuck Bass" doesn't count.

Chuck Bass:
'Cause you don't want to.

Blair Waldorf:
Not good enough.

Chuck Bass:
'Cause I don't want you to. [gets closer] What else is there?

Blair Waldorf:
The true reason I should stay right where I am and not get in the car. Three words, eight letters. Say it, and I'm yours.

Chuck Bass:
[quiet] I... I www...

Blair Waldorf:
Thank you. That's all I needed to hear. [turns and joins Marcus in the car]

Nate Archibald:
So when am I going to get to see you again?

Vanessa Abrams:
Depends. Can I depend on you not to cancel at the last second?

Nate Archibald:
That will never happen again.

Vanessa Abrams:
That's okay.

Nate Archibald:
No, no. I'm serious. Like, I mean, everything with my family's been so crazy but... when you called today it was like I could breathe again. So I wanna do this. I wanna make this - us - right.

Vanessa Abrams:
[smiles] Okay. Tomorrow night?

Nate Archibald:
[hesitates] Uh, tomorrow night I've got to take my mom to this school party.

Vanessa Abrams:
Fine. Come to the gallery. You can bring me lunch.

Nate Archibald:
Oh... well...

Vanessa Abrams:
Well, it was a good speech.

Nate Archibald:
No, no, no, no! I'm serious. I mean, I have family stuff. But I'll reschedule... And they'll just have to deal with it. [grins]

Chuck Bass:
[holds out cigarette] Smoke?

Nate Archibald:
No thanks. Little early for me.

Chuck Bass:
So how can I help, Nathaniel?

Nate Archibald:
About last week. The money? I might have overreacted a little.

Chuck Bass:
A little?

Nate Archibald:
Yeah. And, hey, if you can, I would love to take you up on your offer.

Chuck Bass:
I thought you were getting the money from somewhere else.

Nate Archibald:
Yeah, well, that person is asking for a lot.

Chuck Bass:
Well... I'd love to accommodate you. But when you spurned my offer, I sent the money to my financial guide. It's tied up in funds for six months.

Nate Archibald:
Oh. Uh, no, that's cool. I'll just find another way.

Chuck Bass:
[turns to the side and rubs forehead] So, uh, have you seen Blair and Lord... recently?

Nate Archibald:
No. [watches him for a moment] Are you doing okay?

Chuck Bass:
I have to confess, I've been feeling a little off my game. But I'm expecting a return of form very soon. [Butler comes in and introduces a young Japenese woman] So I can see. [bows to woman]

Chuck Bass:
Look, I never should have abandoned you. I knew I made the wrong decision as soon as your plane took off. I distracted myself all summer, hoping I wouldn't feel it, but I still do.

Blair Waldorf:
And?

Chuck Bass:
I was scared. Scared that if we spent the whole summer together, just us, you would see...

Blair Waldorf:
See what?

Chuck Bass:
Me... please don't leave with him.

Blair Waldorf:
Why? Give me a reason. And 'I'm Chuck Bass' doesn't count.

Chuck Bass:
Because you don't want to.

Blair Waldorf:
Not good enough.

Chuck Bass:
Because I don't want you to.

Blair Waldorf:
It's not enough.

[Blair on the verge of tears]

Chuck Bass:
What else is there?

Blair Waldorf:
The true reason I should stay right where I am and not get in the car, three words, eight letters... say it and I'm yours.

Chuck Bass:
I... I...

Blair Waldorf:
Thank you. That's all I needed to hear.

Serena van der Woodsen:
Oh God. Hot lifeguard has a Camaro. And not in an ironic-I've-got-a-Camaro kind of way.

Chuck Bass:
Please don't leave with him.

Blair Waldorf:
Why? Give me a reason. And, 'I'm Chuck Bass' doesn't count.

Chuck Bass:
Because you don't want to.

Blair Waldorf:
That's not good enough.

Chuck Bass:
Because I don't want you to.

Blair Waldorf:
Not good enough.

Chuck Bass:
What else is there?

Blair Waldorf:
The true reason I should stay right where I am and not get in the car. Three words. Eight letters. Say it... and I'm yours.

Chuck Bass:
I... I...

Blair Waldorf:
Thank you. That's all I needed to hear.

Eric van der Woodsen:
Awesome, I'm leaving the pumpkin!

Nate Archibald:
I hate pretentious asshats who try to steal other people's girlfriends.

Dan Humphrey:
You called Yale? You sent that blast in to Gossip Girl to get revenge against Blair? I believed in you... all your talk about integrity and ideals.

Rachel Carr:
My ideals? Blair spread false rumors about us, blackmailed the entire school, and turned my job and career into a sham with no repercussions. She's a self-absorbed psychopath with no remorse, regret, shame or guilt for her actions.

Dan Humphrey:
My God... you're just as bad as she is. No, you're worse! Blair is a high school student. You're an adult. She has her whole life ahead of her. You ruined her dream to get into the college of her choice. You need to fix things with Blair.

Rachel Carr:
Absolutely not! Blair got what she deserved. She's had it coming for a long time.

Dan Humphrey:
[sighs] You know how you felt when you told me that all your hopes and ideals were crushed? Well, congratulations. You've just crushed mine.