Greg the Bunny

Warren:
And I tip my hat to Greg. Son, you cared enough to give Rochester the greatest gift that a man can receive: a smile to shape his very last breath. So, ahem, to Rochester!

Crowd:
To Rochester...

Count Blah:
...blah.

Warren:
Did he just say "blindness?"

Count Blah:
Yeah, blah, he also said "iff'n."

Warren:
I don't want to sing this song with Dottie! I don't want to sing this song with Blah! I want to sing it all by myself! Me, me, me, me, ME!

Gil:
Warren, that's not the message we're trying to convey with the Sharing Song.

Warren:
I, sir, am not a dog. But if I were, I would bite you thusly!

[Tardy Turtle takes a TV Guide reporter on a backstage tour]

Tardy:
That's Junction Jack's dressing room, that's the wall, and that's... [looks at a mirror and shrieks] That's... a turtle!

Greg:
Hey, Dottie, I just saw your hooters!

Dottie:
WHAT?

Greg:
The two owls for the counting sketch. They're right over there.

Greg:
I left cookies and milk three nights in a row for God and he hasn't taken them. Why am I so forsaken!

[Eating paintballs]

Tardy:
The green ones make me horny!

Gil:
I need you to be quiet, Tardy!

Tardy:
Okay, Gil. I am singing the Quiet Song, the Quiet Song, the Quiet Song...

[Upon being kissed by Dottie]

Greg:
I need some fabric softener!

Warren:
Hey Tardy... listen, I need to fill some seats tonight, how'd you like to come to my play?

Tardy:
I like to play with Warren.

Warren:
No, Tardy. I will be IN a play. You understand?... performing.

Tardy:
I'm not supposed to eat the Legos.

Warren:
[mutters] Eauh, God! It's like talking to Keanu Reeves.

[Gil drops by Jimmy's apartment unexpectedly]

Gil:
Hey there son...

Jimmy:
[surprised] What're you doing here?

Gil:
Something I should have done a long time ago!

[Gil wraps his arms around Jimmy and gives his son a big hug]

Jimmy:
What? Molest me?

Gil:
When I'm out for blood, I never let sex get in the way.

Susan the Monster:
That's funny, for me it's just the other way around.

Alison Kaiser:
Gil, none of the women were invited to the paintball game, and we'd like to know why.

Gil:
Well, darn it, so would I!

Alison Kaiser:
You organized the game.

Gil:
I'm not sure that's true... Uh, Doris, would you find out who organized the paintball game and why the ladies weren't invited?

Dottie:
You're talking into a humidor.

Gil:
Doris, what happened to my intercom?

Dottie:
There IS no Doris!

Gil:
Uh... Edna! Would you find out what happened to Doris?

[On dogs]

Warren:
What do humans see in these things, anyway? If I wanted someone to lick my face and poop on my lawn I'd get back together with Farrah Fawcett.

[talking about supporting Greg The Bunny's interest in the Pupish Movement]

Jimmy:
Hey, why don't you guys give him a break? Instead of stabbing him in the back, why don't you try showing him a little support in the front? Lets face it, humans have been mistreating puppets for centuries. It's nothing new. We lure them to our country with the tartar sauce, and the lollipops, and the empty promises of sparklers which I believe are yet unfulfilled. Tardy, you got your sparklers?

Tardy:
I'm tough but nice.

Jimmy:
Yea that's what I thought! And then we go and trade their hides for, you know, cheap whiskey during the war of the roses.

Dottie:
Is that true?

Count Blah:
No

Jimmy:
We had them build our airplanes and our suspension bridges and our jet packs and our race cars, but can you name me one puppet that's ever taken home the trophy at the Minneapolis 500? I dare ya. Can ya? No!

Alison Kaiser:
I understood the pupish better.

[Greg asks Jimmy to ask his father, a television producer, to get Greg a job]

Greg:
Please?

Jimmy:
No!

Greg:
Fine, then I'll just have to repeat your name over and over until you say yes. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy...

Jimmy:
It's not going to work.

[5 minutes later]

Greg:
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy...

Jimmy:
All right! I'll call him!

Tardy:
Crayons taste like purple!

Count Blah:
I don't even know where my pants are, bleh!

[Jack just got off his car phone with Greg, who is being attacked by a dog at his apartment]

Junction Jack:
We have to get over to Greg's place now.

Count Blah:
Why? What's the problem, blah?

Junction Jack:
No time to explain.

Count Blah:
Oh.

[pause]

Count Blah:
Wait, Greg's place is all the way across town, blah.

Count Blah:
Jack, you were in 'Nam: what do you do when someone points a gun at you?

Junction Jack:
Spend three years in a bamboo cage.

Tardy:
I made a smelly in my shelly!

Gil:
Ok, um, Beetlejuice, get on the set, please.

Greg the Bunny:
Fine. And by the way, it's Bizzlebub... I think. And don't you say that name two more times.

Greg the Bunny:
[drunk and wearing a lampshade on his head] Look at me, I'm a drunken clich?!

Alison Kaiser:
He is just hugging my leg, right?

[repeated line]

Greg the Bunny:
Skatchamagowza!

Tardy:
I finished my sandwich, I'm 'upposed to get pudding!

Tardy:
[disappointed]... I hid my sandwich.

Gil:
Tardy, how do you feel about Alison?

Tardy:
I love Alison!

Alison Kaiser:
Tardy, how do you feel about ashtrays?

Tardy:
...I love ashtrays!

Warren:
[strangling a child who commented "The monkey looks fat" at a test screening] [yells] I am *not* fat, you stupid, little twit!

Gil:
Warren, Warren, let her go!

Warren:
[responding to Jimmy's request for him to lose weight] I'm thrice divorced, Gil, I've shed enough ugly fat for one lifetime.

Greg:
[while instigating a bar fight over Star Trek] Set phasers to "Kiss my ass!"

Tardy:
[Junction Jack, in drag, enters the room] Hi, lady! [shrieks]

Tardy:
[driving a forklift] I'm not a'pposed to be doing this! [shrieks]

Dr. Aven Mitchell:
[the cast and crew of Sweetknuckle Junction are undergoing a puppet sensitivity seminar and are doing role-reversal customer abuse] OK, um... Allison! Now, you be the puppet customer, uh... who would like to be the waiter who, uh, abuses Allison? [everyone, male, female, puppet and human raises their hands to a chorus of 'Me! Oh, me!']

Alison Kaiser:
[Watching Greg perform]

Alison Kaiser:
You're right. He's cute, he's quick, he does improv. He's like Robin Williams.

Gil Bender:
Yeah, only not as furry.