Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law

Myron Reducto:
I'll make you travel size.

Peanut:
What's that, little birdie? "Caw-caw-caw..." Loosely translated: "Polly want a beating?"

Mentok:
Why? Because Mentok wills it so. Proceed.

Harvey Birdman:
Debbie, we're going to need some law books. With pictures this time.

Harvey Birdman:
Hmm. It says here that if a person's not married by the time he's 35, he's got a better chance of being robbed at gunpoint by a desperate and somewhat bloated Christian Slater.

Mentok:
Zombie guards: SEIZE HIM! [as the zombie guards obey] Tell me that's not fun to say.

Harvey Birdman:
[upon learning that he's George Jetson's great-great-great-great-great-grandfather] Then that means... that I'm your... This means I finally get to have sex! [shouts] With a woman!

George Jetson:
No, there are other ways.

Phil Ken Sebben:
Now get out of here! I have to go back to reading everyone's emails... over the P.A. system

Harvey Birdman:
Your Honor, I'd like to...

Mentok:
[interrupting] Yes, you can introduce it.

[Harvey looks at Mentok for a long second]

Mentok:
Hello? Mind-taker!

Phil Ken Sebben:
While I consider myself to be a benevolent-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures.

Secret Squirrel:
Never fear, madame, Secret Squirrel has just what you need right here!

[woman screams]

Secret Squirrel:
Wait! I didn't even pull it out yet.

[Repeated line throughout series]

Peter Potamus:
Did you get that thing I sent you?

Peter Potamus:
Did you get that thing I sent you?

Phil Ken Sebben:
[humping Doggy Daddy] I'm the alpha male! [shouts] I'm the alpha male!

Peter Potamus:
[enters room] Gigi! You look absolute - [sees that she's pregnant] Gotta go!

Phil Ken Sebben:
[reading employees' emails over the P.A. system] TO: Birdman, Harvey! FROM: Potamus, Peter! SUBJECT: That thing I sent you! BODY: You get that thing I sent you?

Harvey Birdman:
Avenger! My personal digital assistant! [Avenger gives him his palm-pilot] How do you make a "T" again? Do you press that and leave it down, or...?

[Harvey has just realized he's being sued by all of the villains he's injured over the years; Potamus is staring straight ahead]

Harvey Birdman:
Class-action suit? And the first thing you asked was whether or not they got that thing you sent them?

Peter Potamus:
[short pause] Check out the ha-has on Ms. Stenopad.

Bailiff:
Hear ye, hear ye! All those with business before this court, step forward and ye shall be heard.

[Mentok's theme music starts up]

Bailiff:
The right honorable Mentok presiding.

Mentok:
[emerging from a purple cloud] Was I announced? [Bailiff nods] And now! Kicking ass, and taking minds! *Mentok! The Mindtaker!*

[music abruptly cuts dead]

Mentok:
Or was it the other one; the, uh, "Now presiding," blah-de-blah-de-blah-de-blah...?

Bailiff:
Uh, w - We were running late, so I just thought... Y'know, the short one... Because it's shorter.

Mentok:
Uh-huh. Okay, yeah. Bigger one next time, all right? Try the scary one... next time.

[Mentok loses patience as Spyro conducts a particularly inane examination of a witness]

Mentok:
That's enough! Ooo-weeooo! [summoning powers] Cheeseburger, french fries, chocolate shake! Somebody's mind I's about to take!

[Selecting among people in the court]

Mentok:
Eeny, meeny, miney... *Mind-swap!*

[an unearthy voice utters Mentok's name as the mind of Spyro and a dog exchange bodies]

Mentok:
You were saying?

Spyro:
[*bark!*]

Mentok:
Uh-huh. And...?

Dog:
Honestly, your Honor, this is juvenile, even for you.

Mentok:
I'm sorry; I can't hear you over this. [blows wet raspberry]

[Mentok is doing a magic show for his nephew's birthday party]

Child #1:
Make a rabbit disappear!

Child #2:
Do a trick!

Mentok:
Nope! Got something much better. [dons fortune teller's turban] Byooo-weeeeeeeee-oooo...

[points to successive children in turn]

Mentok:
You: You're going to die in 23 years of a coronary embolism. You? You're going to live in Tuscany with your mother... *and your boyfriend!* You: Telemarketer. You: Lite FM radio DJ. You? You will raise poodles. And not the big kind that win prizes. No, the annoying little kind that go, "Bap! bap! bap! bap! bap! bap! bap!"

[Phil is looking for the keys to his office]

Phil Ken Sebben:
Let's see: Gum wrapper, pocket lint, lighter... Ooo! Flamethrower! Ring of power, dunno what that is, roll of quarters... Wait, that's not a roll of... Ah! Here they are!

[tries to unlock his office door]

Phil Ken Sebben:
Okay... All right... Here we go... Aaaand, opening. On one. Next time. Spatial relationships. Okie-doke! Come to papa! Male end, female end...

Harvey Birdman:
I'm going to need proof!

Peanut:
Proof of what?

Harvey Birdman:
Um... Evolution?

[they come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]

Peanut:
I'd look elsewhere for that...

Phil Ken Sebben:
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. [points to left eye] And from this side only! The flight of a half-man, half-bird. Dinosaurs nuzzling their young in pastures where strip malls should be. Cookies on dowels... All those moments, lost in time... like... eggs off a hooker's stomach. Time to die... [the duplicate Phil Ken Sebben is unceremoniously jammed into a woodchipper]

[repeated line]

Judge Hiram Mightor:
Deedle deedle dee.

Phil Ken Sebben:
Everyone, it's take Phil's daughter to work day.

Peanut:
I, hereby volunteer to show her the interior of every supply closet...

[last line of the series]

Phil Ken Sebben:
Ha ha! Last laugh.

George Jetson:
[describing how food is cooked in the future] You just press a couple of buttons and *bam*! It's done.

Harvey Birdman:
Hmm. Fascinating. Excuse me.

[removes his lunch from the microwave]

Peanut:
So where are you guys from? Florida?

George Jetson:
No. We're from the future.

Elroy Jetson:
The 21st century!

George Jetson:
The magnificent far-off year of 2002!

Harvey Birdman:
[looks at desk calendar -2004] Really.

George Jetson:
Yes, talking ape man! We are from a society much advanced over your own! A society driven by sprockets! A technological marvel that gives us items such as... *this*!

[holds up enormous cell phone about as large as he is]

Peanut:
[answers a small pocket-size cell phone] Who's feelin' Peanutty?

Dr. Benton Quest:
Since I know he'll never do it himself, I'm going to step right up and toot Mr. Birdman's horn.

Harvey Birdman:
Uh, look, I knew this might be difficult, so I stopped off at the liquor store and got a couple of magazines that I think will explain everything.

Harvey Birdman:
[explaining Race and Dr. Quest's relationship to Johnny Quest and Hadji] Your dad and Race were..."buddies."

Harvey Birdman:
I want you to know that your father loves you both very much.

Jonny Quest:
But he throws like a girl.

Harvey Birdman:
So did Martina Navratilova, but that doesn't mean she wasn't macho in a many other important ways.

Harvey Birdman:
Dr. Quest, tell us a little about your relationship with?

Dr. Benton Quest:
Well, Race and I met one night...

Harvey Birdman:
[gritted teeth] With your *boys*!

Dr. Benton Quest:
Uh... oh! Right!

Potamus:
Sentcha decrees a feast and an orgy... Hell, an orgy sexy feast!

Grok:
That's Prince's best album.

Harvey Birdman:
You speak English?

Grok:
Why wouldn't I? Yet another cultural stereotype...

Harvey Birdman:
No, it's just that, uh, the dinosaurs and the grunting and all... where did you learn...?

Grok:
Three semesters at CSU Long Beach.

Cavemen:
Go Niners!

Grok:
An oracle foretold of a pink feathered man-bird coming from the sky to bring pestilence and death upon our tribe. You bad chinga, brother.

Harvey Birdman:
I'm not even pink! It's the spa terry!

Phil Ken Sebben:
And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.

Phil:
I'm gonna raise the warning system from "Blackwatch Plaid" to the cover of Rush's seminal album "Moving Pictures."

[Harvey is reading Wally Gator's file]

Harvey Birdman:
Operating a speedboat in protected waters... Operating a speedboat while firing a weapon... Operating a speedboat while operating a twelve pack... so, he's pretty much being charged for...

Phil Ken Sebben:
Being a redneck. Yep.

Phil Ken Sebben:
Huh, I thought that a gator only ate what it killed.

Wally Gator:
Not when it costs $2.99 a pound at the Costco!

Myron Reducto:
I've got a device... a body reshaper.

Norlisa:
A device? For the booty?

Myron Reducto:
Well, actually it was invented for other, more dastardly... yes, for the booty!

Norlisa:
Is it safe?

Myron Reducto:
It's patented in Sweden.

Norlisa:
How much does it cost?

Myron Reducto:
FREE! I mean, it's free.

Norlisa:
Well all right, when can I make an appointment?

Myron Reducto:
I have an opening right now. Turn around.

Norlisa:
You're gonna do it right here?

Myron Reducto:
It's out-patient! BACK OFF!

[Reducto changes the switch on his shrink gun from 'Reduce' to 'Enlarge']

Myron Reducto:
Lord help me.

[Zapping sound; Reducto enlarges Norlissa's backside]

Norlisa:
Ooh... that didn't hurt a bit!

Myron Reducto:
Oh, speak for yourself!

[Phil has just hired Blue Falcone as senior partner]

Phil Ken Sebben:
Well, I think I can safely say that Blue brings something to the firm we didn't have before.

[pan to Harvey]

Phil Ken Sebben:
Not this. This is somethin' [pan to Falcone] here before [pan back to Harvey] not we have.

Blue Falcone:
[sighs] Oh, you Americans and your "logic".

Phil Ken Sebben:
I'm keeping my eyes on you.

Harvey Birdman:
Eye.

Phil Ken Sebben:
I didn't know you were Scottish!

Harvey Birdman:
Mr. Boo Boo, would you consider yourself a revolutionary?

Boo Boo Bear:
Well, no. But I do believe corporations rob us of our dignity and independence, and that these systems must be ripped down, burnt down, or leveled by any force necessary.

[jury gasps, long pause]

Boo Boo Bear:
But that's just one little bear's opinion.

Harvey Birdman:
A cute, fuzzy little bear...

Harvey Birdman:
I'd like to call Yogi Bear to the stand.

[On evolution]

Myron Reducto:
[Opening statement] Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you: Do you think you are descended from... apes? From filthy animals, covered in fur, hair all over their body? Hair that grows back, even if we spend hours each day removing, one by one, any offending follicles from our face or chest or, worst, back? With tweezers or, dare I say, more painful methods like harsh depilatory creams or sugar waxing? FULL BRAZILIAN?

Harvey Birdman:
Peanut, if we're going to win this case, I need proof.

Peanut:
Proof of what?

Harvey Birdman:
Um... evolution?

[They come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]

Peanut:
I'd look elsewhere for that...

Phil Ken Sebben:
Birdman, this is Dvd, our new efficiency expert.

Harvey Birdman:
Interesting name. Norweg...?

Dvd:
[briskly interrupting] Was "David". I eliminated the vowels to save time.

Phil Ken Sebben:
Brllnt!

Phil Ken Sebben:
And it's been brought to my attention that you're not using both sides of the toilet paper. You're wasting a ply.

[Klaxons sound as Harvey tries to obtain more bathroom tissue]

Phil Ken Sebben:
[over the PA] Attention employee! Attention employee! It is against Sebben & Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories! You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.

Harvey Birdman:
*One* sheet?

Phil Ken Sebben:
Repeat: One sheet per visit.

Peter Potamus:
[appearing from under the stall partition] Want mine? I ain't gonna use it.

Dvd:
[drunk on Ouzo] Who has efficient nipples?

[X dials the number for an Evil Life Coach:
]

Perfectionist:
Hi. I've changed my menu options, so please listen carefully. For landscaping, press one. Dog walking, press two. Nude housecleaning, press any key any time...

X, the Eliminator:
[impatiently] Come on, come on, come on...

Perfectionist:
If you need an Evil Life Coach, press four.

[X presses four]

X, the Eliminator:
[awkwardly] Hi... uh, heh... Well, I saw your ad, and uh...

Voice Mail Prompt:
You have... ten... seconds.

X, the Eliminator:
[frantically] PLEASE HELP ME, I'M NOT EVIL ENOUGH! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! MAKE ME EVIL!

Quick-Draw McGraw:
Every day the government issues a new restriction, chipping, chipping away at a right guaranteed by the Constitution. It's a slippery slope, Mr. Birdman, leading us inevitably towards chaos and anarchy.

Quick-Draw McGraw:
It's a repeating gitbox made in 1870, used in the American West. Out there, guitars like this didn't enforce the law, they were the law. I didn't write that, it was on some a**hole's website. I wish I'd written it. It's a good line.

Harvey Birdman:
Our Founding Fathers... guaranteed us certain protections. The freedom of speech; freedom of religion; the freedom to own and play stringed instruments of all kinds. Those Founding Fathers didn't place restrictions on these freedoms. They didn't say, "The right to play guitar shall not be violated, except when used to play Green Day's, 'Time of Your Life,' over and over again in the common area of your dorm!" *No!* Where will these restrictions end? A background check when you want to take up banjo? A five day waiting period to buy a Telecaster? An all-out ban on the Flying V or, dare I say, whammy bar? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is up to *you* to defend our right to keep and bear guitars.

Myron Reducto:
Yes, our Founding Fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle, but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No! There was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's Special Edition portable keyboards with standard MIDI interface.

[Addressing the gallery front row, containing the Founding Fathers, Funky Phantom, and Edgar Winter]

Myron Reducto:
*Don't look at me!*

[Starts crawling underneath the gallery seats]

Myron Reducto:
And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise, do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pockets?

[running a campaign ad for president]

Phil Ken Sebben:
I'm Phil Ken Sebben. You don't know me, but I have twelve billion dollars saying that you'll vote for me regardless.

Announcer:
Phil Ken Sebben: Strength, Leadership, Vision.

Phil Ken Sebben:
[interrupting ad quickly] Oh, I've also done every drug known to man. Just putting it out there.

[a group of colorfully-costumed villains are crowding in court to watch the trial.]

Harvey Birdman:
What's going on here?

Potamus:
Pride weekend?

Phil Ken Sebben:
[regarding Avenger's replacement: a canary] What do you mean he can't type?

Harvey Birdman:
Well, he's too light. Can't push the keys down.

Phil Ken Sebben:
You know what he needs? A mate. They love mates! Can't type without them!

Harvey Birdman:
Plus, I don't think he understands English.

Phil Ken Sebben:
Maybe I got a European Goldfinch by mistake. Crap!

Harvey Birdman:
[now has a white stain on his shoulder]

Phil Ken Sebben:
Nope! I think he understands pretty well!

[Harvey has a stack of documents to be copied]

Harvey Birdman:
Morning! Can I really get this in an hour?

The Deadly Duplicator:
Yes, sir. We'll have it done in two hours.

Harvey Birdman:
Ah, okay! Great! Two hours!

The Deadly Duplicator:
Come on back in four hours and we'll have it all ready for you.

Peanut:
Hey there, Peter. Want some donuts?

Peter Potamus:
Don't get me angry! You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!

Harvey Birdman:
[alone in his kitchen] I have to call this number after five P.M. to see if it is necessary to report for Jury Duty... Who am I talking to?

[Harvey dials the number]

Harvey Birdman:
Please say no, please say no...

Mentok the Mindtaker:
[answering the phone] If your number is below two thousand three hundred fifty eight...

[Harvey looks at his number:
2359]

Mentok the Mindtaker:
You don't have to report tomorrow.

Harvey Birdman:
Damn!

Mentok the Mindtaker:
I'm not finished.

Harvey Birdman:
Oh!

Mentok the Mindtaker:
If your number is divisible by fourteen, you don't have to report.

Harvey Birdman:
Damn!

Mentok the Mindtaker:
If two trains left your number at the same time headed in opposite directions, you don't have to report.

Harvey Birdman:
Damn!

Mentok the Mindtaker:
If your number is two thousand three hundred fifty nine or above, you don't have to report.

Harvey Birdman:
Yes!

Mentok the Mindtaker:
Unless it *is* two thousand three hundred and fifty nine, and then you do! WE'LL SEE YOU AT FIVE FORTY-FIVE A.M., SUCKER!

Harvey Birdman:
Uhh, how long have you been standing there?

Benny:
Long enough. Listen, the cops nabbed T. C.

Harvey Birdman:
What? Why?

Benny:
Just being a cat.

Harvey Birdman:
I thought we took care of that already!

Benny:
And bookmaking.

Harvey Birdman:
Oh.

Harvey Birdman:
The man's good name. When all is said and done, isn't that all he has? My client, Dingaling...

[a pregnant pause]

Mentok:
What?... Oh. Oh! you were expecting a joke there. Too easy! Now, if he'd been Peter Peckapickle von Peenie, n?e Peter Peenie Peckerpickle; Waldo Lang Schnitzeldong; or Sarah Plain-and-Tall - *any* of those - then we got something!

Harvey Birdman:
Your name was hijacked by a Web site as well?

Hi Riser:
Yes. Yes, it was.

Harvey Birdman:
Tell us the name of that site.

Hi Riser:
Hi Riser dot com.

Harvey Birdman:
And, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there are more. Many more. I give you: Big Duke, Bigger Duke, Quickie, Schnooker, The Magic Rabbit, Fluidman...

Peanut:
[aside] That would be, "Ew."

Harvey Birdman:
...Dirty Dog, Motherlode, and Goltar.

Gallery:
[huh?]

Harvey Birdman:
*And* his Golden Lance.

Gallery:
[gasp!]

[Phil is performing Hamlet's soliloquy]

Phil Ken Sebben:
To die, to sleep; / To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub... Ha ha, rub! For in that sleep of death what dreams may come... must give us pause... make us bear those... uh, I've forgotten. Huh... I know I'm depressed about something. Uh-ba-da-da... mother: dead... no, *father* dead, mother alive, kind of a sexy thing with the mom, uncle: probably killed my father, girlfriend: crazy as a loon, her father's a chatterbox, I killed him... ah, this is all too complicated.

[Peter Potamus explains the pneumatic delivery system:
]

Peter Potamus:
Hello. I am standing in front of the heart of the Sebben & Sebben communication system. Let us say you have a "thing" to "send." Simply fill out this routing form by listing what you are "sending," to whom, the date you are "sending" it, the date you want it received - or "gotten" - and the weight of the thing you are sending. Then, place the item into one of these canisters. Under your desk, you will find an array of nozzles. Referring to your laminated color-coded map, simply find the color of area you want the "thing" "sent" to. Carefully - *carefully!* - open the tube and insert the canister.

[a demonstrator inserts the canister and presses a button. Her clothing is immediately sucked off into the tube]

Peter Potamus:
Make sure you have closed the nozzle door first. Inside the tube, your communique will reach speeds of up to fourteen thousand seven hundred sixty eight miles per hour: A model of speed and efficiency that guarantees that you will never again have to ask if someone has received the item - or, more commonly, "thing" - that you have sent to them.

Narrator:
The affiliated companies of Sebben & Sebben - leaders in industry worldwide: Rice. Soy. Hemp. Flavored breastmilk. LSD. Breastmilk-flavored LSD. Those twirly things on strippers' breasts. Textiles. Tiles. Text. Baltimization. Vintage pointed sticks.

Narrator:
At Sebben & Sebben, we take ethics and proper business conduct seriously. Quite simply, there's the wrong way to do things, and then there's the Sebben & Sebben wrong way.

Harvey Birdman:
So I'll just put my savings in this diversified index fund. Safe and sound.

Phil Ken Sebben:
It's 1985, Birdman, wake up! The smart money is going into S&L's... like that one!

Harvey Birdman:
You mean Lincoln Savings & Loans?

Phil Ken Sebben:
Right, S&L's are unkillable. Ever seen "It's a Wonderful Life"? Even that Bailey bastard couldn't screw it up!

Narrator:
Sebben & Sebben is one of the most successful law firms in the country. But Sebben & Sebben is so much more. More potent and powerful... and frightening.

Phil Ken Sebben:
Oh hello, I didn't see you there! I was too busy counting money! Sometimes I stay up 13, 14 hours a day and I still can't keep up. Ever get a paper cut from a $7,000 bill? Doesn't tickle. But that's not for you to worry about! No, you're just an ordinary employee who will never be burdened with huge sums of money!

Velma Dinkley:
[regarding Shaggy and Scooby-Doo] I know the way it looks, Mr. Birdman, but that's just the way they are.

Daphne:
Yeah. they always act that way.

Peanut:
[ogling Daphne] Oooo. Sprechen Sie sexy...

Harvey Birdman:
So you mean to tell me they weren't...

Guard:
[walking through scene] Hi.

Fred Jones:
Nope. They're just stupid.

[Harvey approaches Spyro]

Harvey Birdman:
Spyro?

Spyro:
Hmm?

Harvey Birdman:
This seat taken?

Spyro:
Pourquoi?

Harvey Birdman:
No reason. I just had uh... drama question?

[sits down]

Spyro:
This wouldn't have anything to do with those two poltroons you're representing, would it?

Harvey Birdman:
Now that you mention it...

Spyro:
No deal!

[gets up]

Spyro:
Good 'morrow!

Harvey Birdman:
Come on, sit down! Let's talk for a minute!

[Spyro sits back down]

Harvey Birdman:
So, where did you go to school?

Spyro:
Choate.

[shows flashback of students beating up a young Sypro with baseball bats]

Spyro:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Harvey Birdman:
Good school. Still keep in touch with your pals?

Spyro:
...Not really.

Harvey Birdman:
And law school?

Spyro:
Yale.

[shows flashback of students beating up Sypro with baseball bats]

Spyro:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[Fred tears off the monster's mask revealign Old Man Bakov]

Mystery Inc.:
Old man Bakov?

Myron Reducto:
[outside the courtroom] Back off! BACK OFF!

Bakov:
Oh, I would have succeeded too... if it had been for those...

Harvey Birdman:
These meddling kids.

Bakov:
No! The damn cotton market! Don't you tell me! All these hip-hop rats, damn lively wool wear for crying out loud! Hip-puz, yes... Uh, wait a minute here. What the hell am I... Nobody wears dungarees anymore. So, I did what any sensible framer would do, I switched crops!

Harvey Birdman:
OH... So, wait a sec. Are you trying to say...

Bakov:
What? SOYBEANS!

Mentok:
To hell with mind-taking, I'm taking up lip reading.

Harvey Birdman:
And before you answer this next question, I'll remind you that you swore... ON A BIBLE... To tell the truth here today. So tell us... AND GOD... Where the song "Lovely Lovely" came from. *He'd* like to know.

Debbie:
Sho Yu Weenie here to see you... It's a Japanese band.

Mentok:
[addressing an attractive witness] Listen, I already *know*...

[Mentok's theme music starts]

Mentok:
[shouts] Because I know everything! I'm Mentok, the Mi...

[music abruptly runs down]

Mentok:
?that you're not doing anything tonight, but... what are you doing tonight?

Harvey Birdman, Reducto:
[shouts] Objection!

Phil:
If you're not careful, you'll get us all whacked. Ha ha. Body in a woodchipper.

[a bird with a strangely shaped beak testifies against Fred Flintstone]

Can Opener:
The guy's a pig; a neanderthal.

Fred Flintsone:
You're dead to me, can opener!

Harvey Birdman:
[line spoken frequently during "The Dabba Don"] Whoa... that's a man kiss.

Phil Ken Sebben:
I can finally build that lakehouse. And I'll run around naked all day. HAH-HA! Dangly parts...

Talking Bird:
[while testifying against Fred Flinstone as a Mafia Don] The guy was a pig! A Neanderthal!

Fred Flinstone:
You're dead to me, can opener!

Phil Ken Sebben:
Do you know what this means to the firm? The billable hours? I can finally build that lake house, and I'll run around naked all day. Ha ha... dangly parts.

Evelyn Spyro Throckmorton:
Flintstones. Meet, the Flintstones. They're the mobbish Stone Age family. From the, villa, of Bedrock, they're a page right out of Godfather III. When we, try, Fred Flinstone, yes, he's gonna do hard time, oh yeah, he'll do time, a lot of jaaaaiiil time.

Phil Ken Sebben:
[last lines of the show] Ha, ha, ha... last laugh.

Harvey Birdman:
[after failing to get an injured boy to physically react to certain things] You said you saw him scratch his nose!

Peanut:
Yes! When they were prying him off his little wheelchair, he was all

[whines and swats the air like a sissy]

Peanut:
Harv, he's faking it! I'm watching him scratch his nose. Look! No, he stop - look! No, there! No, he - ah! Nope, he stopped.

Ernie Devlin:
Is it hot in here, or was I just engulfed in flames? And broads?

Ernie Devlin:
It says right here, "Diagnosis: Fractured Ass"!

Harvey Birdman:
My client, a private investigator.

Mentok:
Colloquially known as...?

Harvey Birdman:
Uhhh... a P.I.? Gumshoe?

Inch-High, Private Eye:
He wants you to say "dick".

Mentok:
Which would make you an...?

Inch-High, Private Eye:
[sighs] Inch-high dick.

Inch-High, Private Eye:
[has just been enlarged to a normal-sized human being] Be right back!

Inch-High, Private Eye:
[is now in line at an amusement park where it says "you must be this tall to ride"] Again.

Amusement park worker:
Please step onto the ride, sir.

Inch-High, Private Eye:
I'm sorry, what?

Amusement park worker:
Get on the ride, sir.

Inch-High, Private Eye:
Again.

Reducto:
Put down the fizzy-gun.

Black Vulcan:
[explaining how he left the SuperFriends] They *said* it was some sort of budget thing. But *I* think it's because I complained that they were always pairin' me up with a white SuperFriend, like I was gonna start super-lootin' the minute they weren't watchin'. And you think I named *myself* Black Vulcan? Hell, no! I used to go by Supervolt. "Black Vulcan" was Aquaman's idea. And I said, well, maybe we should just call you White Fish.

Harvey Birdman:
When I say the word "superhero", what names come to mind? Wonder Woman. Aquaman. Superman. Birdman. These are names...

Juror:
[interrupting] Uh, excuse me, I don't think of Birdman.

Harvey Birdman:
Not my point...

[the camera slowly zooms in on Reducto]

Myron Reducto:
[voice-over] This is my scheming face. First, I raise this eyebrow and...

[to the camera, raising his gun]

Myron Reducto:
*Back off!*

Reducto:
What kind of stinking superhero loses his powers to a cup of coffee in the crotch?

[Avenger is making a kettle of tea in the background]

Apache Chief:
Well, I saved the town the other day, and uh... I saved the town and, anyway, afterwards I thought, "Man, a coffee would be nice." But, uh, I spilled it on my... lap.

Harvey Birdman:
Mmm-hmm.

[the tea kettle whistle begins to sound]

Apache Chief:
And, uh, wow, it was... hot. On my lap.

Harvey Birdman:
I'll bet...

Apache Chief:
[with annoyed deliberation] Hotness... Crotch... Ouch!

Harvey Birdman:
Yeah, I... Ohhhh! W - Are you trying to say...?

Apache Chief:
I can no longer... enlarge.

[the tea kettle whistle plaintively decays into silence]

Harvey Birdman:
[crossing his legs and wincing] Oh! Ohhh! *Ohhhhh!* Let's all go to the mountains, huh?

[Apache Chief watches apprehensively as Avenger walks by with the tea service]

Harvey Birdman:
I'll take the case! Nothing, huh? Not even first thing in the morning; little neeneeneeneeneey?

Harvey Birdman:
You stated that you had express knowledge of one of the more familiar Superfriend's whereabouts - a Wonder Woman, I believe?

Zan:
Um, that's correct. Uh, she was at home.

Harvey Birdman:
Any idea why she wouldn't have answered the town's distress call?

Zan:
Well, she said she really needed some, "me time." So she unplugged her communicator and... and took a bath.

Harvey Birdman:
How do you happen to know this?

Zan:
I was... I, I was the bathwater.

[Flashback to Wonder Woman taking a bath and Zan as the water]

Zan:
[giggles] Form of a washrag!

Harvey Birdman:
You wanted to see me?

Phil Ken Sebben:
Yeah, I need your... help.

Harvey Birdman:
Really?

Phil Ken Sebben:
On my way to work, I hit a guy.

Harvey Birdman:
Oh, that doesn't seem so bad.

Phil Ken Sebben:
Every day this week.

Harvey Birdman:
Oh. Any witnesses?

Phil Ken Sebben:
Some kids.

Harvey Birdman:
Nobody believes kids!

Phil Ken Sebben:
And a nun.

Harvey Birdman:
Nobody believes nuns!

Phil Ken Sebben:
Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebben, dammit!

Harvey Birdman:
I'll take the case!

Phil Ken Sebben:
And if we lose, it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.

Harvey Birdman:
Yes!

Phil Ken Sebben:
Two heavily armed men in a bunker, fighting extradition.