Have I Got News for You

Paul Merton:
Never a frown with Gordon Brown.

[after learning that a series has been tied at an equal number of games for each team]

Stephen Fry:
Well, why didn't you have an odd number of programmes, you idiot?

Sean Lock:
Only 2% of people go to church in this country

Paul Merton:
And they're priests!

Des Lynam:
Archer has issued a strenuious denial - as good as a signed confession, really!

Ian Hislop:
I should go on Mastermind, answering questions on the life and times of Jeffery Archer. I'd get more questions right than he would!

Des Lynam:
Do you know how the police refer to victims of crime?

Ian Hislop:
Customers?

Des Lynam:
Yes!

Ian Hislop:
What does that make criminals - clients?

Paul Merton:
I can see you as Zorro!

Ian Hislop:
Zorro, the gay blade!

Des Lynam:
I've never been accused of that - yet!

[Osama bin Laden's brother has released a perfume, described as 'inner peace in a bottle']

Des Lynam:
Sod the perfume, if you want inner peace, shoot your brother!

Des Lynam:
[During a discussion on short-sighted dogs receiving spectacles, or doggles] Getting their vision back could be a bit of a shock - "oh, so *that's* what I've been sniffing all this time!"

Des Lynam:
[on Mark Thatcher being implicated in a coup] After Archer was implicated, we thought it couldn't happen to a nicer person. How wrong we were!

[the teams watch a clip of John Kerry attending a church service during the election]

Ian Hislop:
Reading the Bible, checking to find something he's missed.

Mark Steel:
[on Bush and Rumsfeld] They're like an old couple with some holiday brochures. "Where shall we invade next? Cuba looks nice."

Jack Dee:
Yes, Queen Elizabeth I was bald and had wooden teeth and yet somehow managed to remain a virgin.

Paul Merton:
[while Anne Robinson is guest-hosting] [yells out at random points] Bank!

Angus Deayton:
Good evening and welcome to the last programme of the millennium, although as there's a compilation show next week, it's not strictly speaking the last one, but then again strictly speaking it's not the end of the millennium either. Still, who's counting, or indeed watching by now.

Angus Deayton:
Revisionist historians now claim that far from being mad, Joan of Arc may have been a victim of food poisoning. Makes sense, I can't tell you the number of times I've eaten a few dodgy prawns and ended up commanding the French army.

Paul Merton:
This is, somebody was planning to make - and have, I think, made - a jacket, a hundred hamsters have gone into this jacket, and animal rights protesters have said this is terrible, and Gieves & Hawkes [pronounced "Geeves"] I believe are the names of the tailors, Savile Row tailors.

David Steel:
"Gieves" [pron. "Jeeves"] , I think you'll find.

Paul Merton:
"Gieves"? Is it Gieves?

David Steel:
Could be. Sounds more likely, doesn't it?

Paul Merton:
Does it? How's it spelled?

Angus Deayton:
G-E-I. [sic]

Paul Merton:
Ah, that's the thing that threw me you see, I was following the letters.

Angus Deayton:
So Gieves & Hawkes, yes, that's right. And what have they been...

Paul Merton:
So "Gieves", how do you spell "Gieves"? G-I-E-V-E-S?

Angus Deayton:
Yeah.

Paul Merton:
Was there a special day at school where they wrote all these names on a blackboard, because I must have been off sick. So the tailors, they've made a "gacket"...

[at the end of the quiz]

Paul Merton:
So Ian wins based on questions about his magazine and people he's met on the train!

[on a question about Pok?mon]

Ian Hislop:
This is the probably worst and worst-drawn film and craze in history, of badly-conceived little monsters that fight each other, and children trade cards and have a fantastic knowledge of a hundred and fifty monsters. They can't remember five countries and their capital cities, but just about every child in the country can tell you that Charmeleon evolves into Charmander and then turns into Machop and then kills someone or other, it's absolute garbage. [flippantly] I've got an idea for these medieval history cards that I think are going to be a big hit in the playground.

Angus Deayton:
You're pretty angry about this, aren't you?

Ian Hislop:
I'm very, very bored. I've seen the Pok?mon movie, which is probably the worst movie ever made on any subject ever.

Paul Merton:
You haven't seen "Kevin & Perry Go Large", then?

Angus Deayton:
Yes, this is the Pok?mon phenomenon that has swept the UK. One school in Berkshire has banned Pok?mon after instances of bullying to obtain the rarer cards. The bullying has finally stopped however, now that Mr. Hunt the geography teacher has the complete set.

Paul Merton:
I think the quiz element of this show is overrated.

[answering a question about dogs]

Michael Brown:
There was something the other day about a dog, I mean I think Paul's probably right...

Paul Merton:
Well, we can't compete with this level of research!

[discussing Christine Hamilton's chat show]

Angus Deayton:
It's actually Christine who sings the theme tune herself.

Paul Merton:
Oh, my God, she doesn't, does she? The poor deluded cow.

Angus Deayton:
Good evening and welcome to the programme attacked this week by one viewer who wrote to complain about random way the points are allocated, on the grounds that "the level of money wagered on the outcome of this show increases week on week". So our apologies to Mr. Joseph Wall of Newark, and one point to Ian.

Angus Deayton:
And did you chat with the Queen Mother?

Paul Merton:
We talked about you.

Angus Deayton:
No, you didn't.

Paul Merton:
Yes, we did.

Angus Deayton:
What did she say about me?

Paul Merton:
I've never heard such language in all my life.

Angus Deayton:
Do I sense that this is another week you haven't been reading the papers?

Paul Merton:
Absolutely. It's a great burden off my shoulders.

Angus Deayton:
Evidently. And onto ours, by the sounds of it.

Paul Merton:
What does that mean?

Ian Hislop:
It means the burden passes from yours to his because he has to fill you in on the story, it's not too difficult.

Angus Deayton:
Michael Winner also admitted, "I actually find it slightly funny when a celebrity dies - which I shouldn't". Don't worry, Michael, we'll all piss ourselves when you die.

Angus Deayton:
What was right up Napoleon's street?

Paul Merton:
Napoleon's house!

Angus:
[mishears something Paul says] Half an hour on a giraffe?

Paul Merton:
No, not right now I've got to do this. [pause] I wouldn't mind half an hour on a giraffe though. Very sexy animals, giraffes

Angus:
You don't need to tell me.

Paul Merton:
Yeah, they can see when the police are coming so when they get there you can say, "No, it's nothing." I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You'd always get some bloke complaining that he couldn't see the screen. "It's a giraffe, mate. What d'you expect?". "Well he can take his hat off for a start!"

Ian Hislop:
I may be out of touch, but I've eaten a Golden Graham!

Ian Hislop:
[asked to sum up the Million Man March] Louis Farrakhan says America is racist and he blames the Jews.

Angus Deayton:
[missing headline round] What turns blue in fridge?

Paul Merton:
Queen Mother!

Boris Johnson:
I couldn't disagree with you less.

Angus Deayton:
[reading out headline during missing words round] I made Thatcher 'what' boasts Nigel.

Paul Merton:
Swallow?

Ian Hislop:
It is getting rather sad when I can't win against Paul when he's accompanied by a tub of lard and the questions are in a foreign language.

Tom Baker:
I used to go out with a girl who smelled like a bonfire.

Ian Hislop:
She was a witch, was she?

Tom Baker:
She may have been a witch, but oh, she was a goer!

[caption competition - a photo of a solemn-looking Angus wearing a motorbike helmet with a skull and crossbones on it, but also wearing a shirt and tie as per usual. A biker is in the background]

Paul Merton:
General Pinochet's right hand man arrested at last.

Ian Hislop:
New chapter opens of Hells Chartered Accountants.

Tom Baker:
How do you like your blue-eyed boy, Mr Death?

[this draws the biggest laugh from the audience]

Ian Hislop:
Angus takes his stabilisers off.

Paul Merton:
Your toupee'll be ready in a moment, Mr Deayton.

[caption competition - a group of North Korean military officers, chests covered in medals, singing with gusto, their mouths making perfect 'O' shapes]

Graeme Garden:
That bloke on the top right is saying "For God's sake somebody go 'klahoma!"

Clive Anderson:
Do you still live in Islington as well, Boris?

Boris Johnson:
Partly, yes.

Paul Merton:
I don't think you live on the planet Earth, never mind Islington!

Boris Johnson:
I think we should get off my, um, my property.

Angus Deayton:
Apparently the Queen also refers to John Prescott as "Two Jags".

Paul Merton:
That's rich coming from Elizabeth "Six castles" Windsor!

Angus Deayton:
[to Michael Crick] Archer's obviously very aware of your interest in him. We've got a clip of him here complaining about the way that the BBC make programs about him.

[clip of a visibly annoyed Jeffrey Archer talking to a camera crew in a park plays]

Jeffrey Archer:
Oh, hello, Mr Crick - what do you think of think Jeffrey Archer - clip-clip-clip! Oh, come on! Who are you kidding? You wait til I'm mayor, you'll find out how tough I am! Christ almighty!

[audience laughs]

Paul Merton:
Can I put in a special request in to see that all again?

Angus Deayton:
Yeah, I don't see why not, let's have it again.

[the clip plays again, everyone laughs again]

Paul Merton:
Brilliant. You'd have to have a heart of stone not to laugh out loud, wouldn't you?

Ian Hislop:
It is funny how whenever the Tories look as though they might be just coming off the level of utterly hopeless, Archer pops up!

Piers Morgan:
Is the answer jam?

[silence]

Angus Deayton:
Not in so many words, no.

Piers Morgan:
I only said that because last week Eddie Izzard said that and you roared with laughter, as if it was hilarious. Just thought I'd say it.

Ian Hislop:
People like him.

Angus Deayton:
The answer is tennis ball. The tragic tale of a two ton hippo who swallowed a tennis ball in Germany.

Clive Anderson:
[to Piers Morgan] Surely you must have covered that in the Daily Mirror? That's exactly the sort of, page 5 story?

Piers Morgan:
What do you know about newspaper editing, Clive?

Clive Anderson:
About as much as you do!

Ian Hislop:
I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or something?

Paula Yates:
You say one more thing, he's going to hit you.

Paul Merton:
Yeah, I will and all. I'd take great pleasure thumping my fist into that great face of yours.

Paula Yates:
[narrowing her eyes at Ian] Don't even look at me. You sperm of the devil.

[audience laughs. She tries to carry on talking but Ian is too busy sneering at the malapropism she's just made]

Ian Hislop:
Sperm of the devil! Even your insults emanate from the genitals!

Angus Deayton:
The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do you spell it?

Sheila Hancock:
Vocabulary. V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y.

Angus Deayton:
Uh, no, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world...

Paul Merton:
I-T?

Angus Deayton:
...you actually spell 'it', I-T.

Sheila Hancock:
[groans] Oh, I-T... Oh, please! Oh... That is pathetic!

Paul Merton:
Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag her along here and go "How do you spell 'it'?"! She's a respected actress!

Ian Hislop:
You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!

Ian Hislop:
I was on Desert Island Discs once, and they asked me what my luxury should be and I said "Frosties", and then Frosties sent me a year's supply. My wife said I was an idiot and should have said "A BMW".

Paul Merton:
A Desert Island with Frosties? What were you going to put on the Frosties?

Ian Hislop:
Milk.

Paul Merton:
Where'd you get the milk?

Ian Hislop:
A Coconut.

Paul Merton:
How'd you get in the Coconut?

Ian Hislop:
With a knife I'd fashioned from my Tibia!

Katharine Ryan:
I hate bread. Ever since I was seven. That's not food, it's a napkin.

Ian Hislop:
You know, historically it is food. All those ducks can't be wrong.

Katharine Ryan:
It's bad for the ducks too! It's Quack Cocaine!

Katharine Ryan:
[on the news story of a 15 year-old hacker who compromised TalkTalk's customer database] These teenagers! What are their Mothers doing, banging on the wall yelling "You'd better be wanking in there and not bringing down a Large Corporation!"?

[laughter and applause]

Paul Merton:
Ahem! We don't really... Yes.

Ian Hislop:
[she's misheard something he said about the parachuted beavers story] Ah, you were on a "beaver" theme.

Katharine Ryan:
I thought you were saying that sex was "invading the creek", and I loved that!

Ian Hislop:
Well, we could do a retake.

Ian Hislop:
It'll be paid for out of efficiency cuts. Which means sacking people, usually. The idea that the NHS wasn't 7 days is a bit of a scandal, anyway. One of the reasons it's not is because GPs were given this amazing contract where they don't have to work after hours any more. And all that was outsourced to people who said they'd do it cheaper, and like most outsourcing you do it cheaper because you don't do it very well! [applause]

Ian Hislop:
I was watching Big Brother the other night...

Charlotte Church:
Oh, I did a project on that, for school!

Ian Hislop:
...I think I'm going to kill myself.

Charlotte Church:
The President asked me what "State" Wales was in.

Ian Hislop:
And you said "Terrible"?

Journalist:
[reporting on 2015 Election] UKIP are in danger of becoming like an Absolutist Monarchy or a Personality C***. Sorry! Cult!

Stephen Fry:
[to David Shayler, who appeared via satellite link] The Official Secrets Act is just a piece of paper to you, isn't it?

Jack Dee:
Can I just say that I don't call Hitler "The Fuhrer"? It's just written there.

Guest:
So you were Only Following Orders?

Host:
A man trying to be festive painted the phrase "Let it snow!" across the front windows of his house. Unfortunately, from the front it just says... "Tits now!"

Brian Sewell:
They've moved

Brian Sewell:
[the painting]

Brian Sewell:
from one room in the Gallery to another. That's hardly news!

Brian Sewell:
[Ian has used the word "less" improperly] Fewer!

Ian Hislop:
May I say what an honour it is to be corrected by you?

Ian Hislop:
[Robert] Maxwell was a crook and an arms dealer and he's dead so he can't sue.

Paul Merton:
[on hearing that Iain Duncan Smith has another middle name] There's four of him?

Celebrity Chef:
Live Lobsters are great because you can smuggle them through Customs. I had some with me once and the guy said "You can't take those on Board, they're alive!" I asked "Could I take them on if they were dead?" and he said "Yes". So I started taking my Brooch off. "What are you doing?" he asked, and I said "I'm going to kill them." "Not in front of me, you're not" he said, so I just took them on.

Ian Hislop:
[Google Books' digital errors] What happens in Scotland, on Bums Night?

Guest:
They all join anuses and sing Auld Lang Syne!

David Mitchell:
[Google Books' digital errors] Here's another one: "She flung her anus around his neck..."

[first lines]

Angus Deayton:
Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News for You, taking a look at the last seven days, the last seven pulsating, vital days of world news.

Paula Yates:
[to Ian Hislop] Don't even look at me, you sperm of the devil.

Ian Hislop:
Sperm of the devil. Even your insults emanate from the genitals.

Angus:
So, Paula, put us right, then. Did you *not* have a breast enlargment operation at the beginning of your relationship with Michael?

Woman in Audience:
Yes!

Paula Yates:
All right! So much for sisterhood!

Ian Hislop:
So much for sisterhood?

Paula Yates:
[pointing to part of the audience] That's a women just said yes!

Ian Hislop:
Is that what you said to Helena Christiansen?

Angus:
Woo!

Audience:
Oooh!

Ian Hislop:
[Turning towards the audience] I can't believe it!

Paul Merton:
Who's Helena Christiansen?

Angus:
You *can* always resort to physical violence after the show!

Paula Yates:
[Turning to Paul] I'll tell you later.

Gordon Kennedy:
Don't take it out on me.

[pointing to Ian]

Gordon Kennedy:
I'm not the sperm of the devil, he is.

Piers Morgan:
Who here actually LIKES Ian Hislop?

Audience:
[loud cheering]

Piers Morgan:
Jam.

Ian Hislop:
I'm sorry?

Piers Morgan:
When Eddie Izzard was on last week he kept saying 'jam', and everyone laughed.

Ian Hislop:
Yes, but people like him.

[former MI5 officer David Shayler is on the show]

Angus Deayton:
Incidentally, I should point out if at any time one of David's answers is found to be in breach of the Official Secrets Act, then sadly I will be in breach of it too for having asked the question, and apparently you will too for having listened to it. So, er, see you in Strangeways.

Ian Hislop:
That's the most useful thing anyone's ever suggested to me you do with a hamster. I've got no sympathy with hamsters, they just sit in cages. We've had loads of them, they sit there and then they just die on you and upset everyone. At least this way they get made into a coat. I'm for it!

Paul Merton:
That's not the hamsters' fault, the fact that they sit in the cage, people put them in there. It's like saying "Rudolf Hess, all he does is sit around in prison all day!"

[referring to David Steel's record]

Angus Deayton:
You must be very thankful that we haven't played that.

David Steel:
Very.

Angus Deayton:
But rather irritated that we're about to.

Angela Rippon:
Actually, before we go any further, can I just check something?

Angus Deayton:
All right...

Angela Rippon:
[to Ian] Excuse me.

[Angela gets up, goes over to Angus, sniffs around his collar, then goes back to her seat]

Angela Rippon:
Thank you.

Angus Deayton:
Are you going to explain to everyone what happened there?

Angela Rippon:
Yes, I read somewhere that one of the critics always thought that you looked particularly well-deodorised on this programme, and I was just checking.

Angus Deayton:
And what's the verdict?

Angela Rippon:
[makes hand gesture indicating "average"] Eh.

Paul Merton:
One of the critics said the other day I don't wear any underpants.

Sheila Hancock:
[to Angus] Go on then, Andrew... "Andrew"?

Paul Merton:
Andrew's a nice name. Andrew. Call him Andrew.

Sheila Hancock:
I am getting very, very old. What's your name? Angus?

Angus Deayton:
It was Angus, yes, when I last looked.

Sheila Hancock:
All right.

Paul Merton:
But Andrew's nice.

Angus Deayton:
As this is a topical news quiz I feel as if I ought to bring the subject to the Longbridge plant...

Ian Hislop:
Yes, yes.

Paul Merton:
Whatever you think, Andrew.

Angus Deayton:
I can see this one's gonna stick. So what's BMW's name for Rover?

Paul Merton:
"Andrew".

[playing "Universally Challenged", a parody of "University Challenge"]

Angus Deayton:
The word spelled wrong was "vocabulary" in fact, so for an extra point how do you spell it?

Sheila Hancock:
[presses buzzer] Vocabulary... V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y.

Angus Deayton:
No, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world...

Paul Merton:
I-T!

Sheila Hancock:
Oh, I-T! Oh, please! That is pathetic!

Paul Merton:
Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag here along here...

Sheila Hancock:
Absolutely! I agree, Paul!

Ian Hislop:
[to Angus] You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!

Angus Deayton:
There's nowhere in the world that has a privatised air traffic control system. And you can see why.

Clive Anderson:
Well, nowhere else has got the House of Lords.

Paul Merton:
Or Trafalgar Square.

Angus Deayton:
No.

Paul Merton:
Or you.

Angus Deayton:
No, good point, Paul.

Paul Merton:
Thank you, Andrew.

[describing a hospital]

Paul Merton:
Big white building, full of sick people.

Clive Anderson:
No, that's here.

[Paul quotes "Macbeth"]

Paul Merton:
Glamis thou art, and Cawdor; and thou shalt be what thou art promised: yet do I fear thy nature; it is too full o' the milk of human kindness to catch the nearest way: thou wouldst be great; art not without ambition, but without the illness should attend it.

["Macbeth", Act 1 Scene V]

Dr. Phil Hammond:
[to Angus] We need a mole update, because last time I was on I mentioned your mole had got slightly bigger and darker. We had a letter from a practice nurse who said that a patient had watched the programme, noticed that his mole had got bigger, and gone to the doctor and was found to have a melanoma which was removed, so your mole has saved somebody's life.

[first lines]

Angus Deayton:
[First lines] Goodnight.

[end credits start rolling for a few seconds]

Angus Deayton:
Sorry, that was just to annoy everyone who set their video to record this.

Lorraine Kelly:
[talking about her wedding day] Me and my dad were going in to where we were getting married, and...

Paul Merton:
You were getting married to your dad?

Lorraine Kelly:
No! The trouble was...

Paul Merton:
Nice bloke, you've known him for years.

Lorraine Kelly:
Well, it was really odd...

Paul Merton:
You don't even have to change your name, do you?

Paul Merton:
[talking about the James Bond film "Die Another Day"] What would be the point in having an invisible car? All you're doing is chasing someone who's doing 80 miles an hour in a seated position.

Germaine Greer:
No, you're invisible as well once you're in it. The car reflects the light in such a way that you cannot see it.

Paul Merton:
How d'you fill it with petrol then? 'Cause you'd drive into the forecourt of a petrol station, get out, everyone jumps and says "Where's that bloke come from?" Then the poor sod's gotta find the petrol cap!

Germaine Greer:
Yes, but you can turn it off.

Paul Merton:
Oh, I see.

Germaine Greer:
So then all of sudden, a car materialises in the forecourt.

Paul Merton:
I'm actually sitting in an invisible car at the moment.

Boris Johnson:
Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. My name is Boris Johnson, and when I first appeared as a guest on this show, I complained that the whole thing was scripted, and rehearsed. I'd now like to complain in the strongest possible terms, that it isn't.

Boris Johnson:
On Paul's team is a presenter whose new Channel 5 show is called "God Almighty", which, coincidentally, is what most people said when they heard I was to present this show.

Ian Hislop:
I promise I'll be quiet.

Charles Kennedy:
That's quite alright. I never buy your lousy publication anyway.

[on Tony Blair's appearance on The Simpsons]

Martin Clunes:
According to The Mirror, the cartoon Blair "comes with sticky out ears and a cheesy grin". Don't knock it, it's a living.

Martin Clunes:
Could you just shut your face. For just five minutes?

Ruby Wax:
Don't you ever interrupt me again.

Paul Merton:
[Missing Headline Round - in response to "John Prescott loses _______ by being locked in a lavatory"] John Prescott loses a "try not to get locked in a lavatory competition".

Martin Clunes:
[a woman has produced a formula for correctly parking a car] Or you could just let the old man park it, love.

[There is a lot of booing from the audience]

Paul Merton:
Did you hear that booing?

Linda Smith:
Yes.

Paul Merton:
[to William] Did it register with your brain, that booing?

William Hague:
I was Leader of the Tory party long enough to learn how to ignore booing.

Paul Merton:
You weren't very popular then? Why do you think that was?

William Hague:
Just because I tell jokes doesn't mean you should have political opinions.

William Hague:
My name is William Hague, and in taking on this job, I'll be laying myself open to a barrage of disrespectful remarks and critical sniping from all sides, designed to undermine my position. Nothing new in that, really.

Sanjeev Bhaskar:
Do you think that Donald Rumsfield looks like the villain from Scooby-Doo?

Paul Merton:
Oh, what? The one who's running the old fairground?

Sanjeev Bhaskar:
Yes.

Paul Merton:
Um... yes, I think he looks exactly like that.

Bruce Forsyth:
[after introducing Ian's guest] Oh, It's father and son.

Ian Hislop:
That would be appropriate, with Grandfather in the chair.

Donald Rumsfeld:
[in archive footage] There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know

Ian Hislop:
And this is the man with his finger on the button?

John Humphrys:
But does he know?

Kirstie:
[a family was trapped in their house for two hours by a badger outside] This badger chased this little boy 200 yards down the road. He got home, slammed the door in the badger's face and...

Paul Merton:
[cutting her off] And the badger shot through the catflap. Overpowered the little boy. When the mother got home, the badger overpowered her and took over her identity. She's tied up in the cellar. The husband comes home, bit pissed, sees a figure in the bed wearing a neglige, thinks 'Hello, is it Friday night already?' And before he knows where he is...

[Paul has to pause at this point, as host John Humphries is laughing so hard]

Paul Merton:
...then, he turns on the light and thinks "Oh my gawd, I've just f***ed a badger!"

Robin Cook:
Good evening. I'll be hosting tonight's show, unless I have to resign on a point of principle halfway through.

Robin Cook:
With Ian Hislop is a man who travels to far flung places and upsets the locals. He should have a go at being Foreign Secretary. P.J.O'Rourke.

Robin Cook:
[describing Paul's guest] A doctor responsible for more smears then the Daily Mail - Dr. Phil Hammond.

Dr Phil Hammond:
Don't you hope for a president with a three-digit I.Q.?

P J O'Rourke:
We're not a three-digit country.

[after a clip of Robert Kilroy-Silk explaining the rules of Share or Shaft]

Robin Cook:
Unfortunately, Robert, when you asked your party to share, they decided to shaft.

Robin Cook:
I've already been mistaken for Claire Short, I don't want to be mistaken for a Millwall fan.

Robin Cook:
I've already been mistaken on this show for a satanist. I don't want to be mistaken for a Milwall fan.

[a Royal Navy Technician has been given permission to become a Satanist]

Robin Cook:
His mother said 'He doesn't have an evil bone in his body.' No, he has them in a bloody biscuit tin under his bunk.

Robin Cook:
[during a discussion about the Battle of Balaclava] We *did* have the French on our side then.

P.J. O'Rourke:
We had them on our side in World War II, and a fat lot of good it did us.

Robin Cook:
[on guest publication "The Tightwad Gazette"] It costs ?1.50, or you could get somebody to photocopy it for you.

Robin Cook:
[on Tommy Cooper] Tommy used to pour gin on his breakfast cereal. Yes, he was a fan of Gordon's, but, then, aren't we all.

Robin Cook:
[a large amount of explosives have vanished from an army base in Iraq] A spokesman stated, "We want to make sure we get to the bottom of this." Although, given their previous record in this area, I'm not holding my breath.

Jane Leeves:
The BBC sent 188 journalists to cover the U.S. Elections. I can't believe the BBC would spend money to fly a person across the Atlantic for a television programme.

Jane Leeves:
A second tongue makes a man more attractive. I can see how that might work.

[the election of Pope Benedict XVI]

Guest Presenter:
How was the news announced?

Team Captain:
'Habemus papam.' Which is a bit like, 'Big it up for... '

[guest host Nicholas Parsons has repeatedly fluffed his lines throughout the show]

Julia Hartley-Brewer:
This is a bit like spending the evening with a decrepit old grandad.

Nicholas Parsons:
Julia, I can take you upstairs and show you that there's nothing decrepit about me.

[roars of approval from the audience]

Paul Merton:
But you'd have to take the lift, wouldn't you?

[On the election of Pope Benedict XVI]

Chris Langham:
The cardinals said they didn't want a German, but he was the first to put his towel over the balcony.

Ian Hislop:
[during odd one out round] There is a connection with arms deals, and I'd better be slightly careful here. Uh, Maxwell was a crook and an arms dealer and he's dead and he can't sue.

Peter Serafinowicz:
So how do you pronounce it, "Din-nas-tee" or "Dye-nas-tee"?

Joan Collins:
"Din-nas-tee"... why, how do you pronounce it?

Peter Serafinowicz:
Er... "Dye-nas-tye"!

Joan Collins:
[about monocles] Why, do you wear one?

Peter Serafinowicz:
Well... two.

[regarding the Eurovision Song Contest]

Carol Vorderman:
We were represented by a rapper named Daz; not to be confused with the washing powder he will be selling in supermarkets next week.

[introducing Richard E. Grant]

Carol Vorderman:
On Ian Hislop's team is an actor whose screen roles range from the comedic, "Withnail & I", to the dramatic, "Gosford Park", to the tragic; the Argos ads.

[pre-titles sequence]

Gordon Ramsay:
If I make any more than six mistakes tonight, you're all coming to Claridge's as my guests for dinner, okay?

[audience applause and cheering]

Ian Hislop:
Oh good, we get the question where we die.

Herself - Guest Presenter:
"McClaren proved himself a complete idiot. I could have done a better job." Said Dario Slovac, aged 35. Well let's be honest I could have done a better job, said Ann Widdecombe, aged 60.

Herself - Guest Presenter:
[Regarding a children's invention competition, ran by CBBC] On their website the BBC asked children 'what cool thing would you invent?'. Well how about a machine that stops lazy journalists constantly using the word 'cool' to try and impress young people. Booyacasha! [Ian and Paul react] Do you know, I haven't a clue what that means.

Himself - Guest Presenter:
This is the government plan to get bums back to work just as soon as there's work to go back to.

Himself - Team Captain:
Is that what it's called? "Bums Back To Work"?

Info:
Jerry Springer is reading a quote.

Himself - Guest Presenter:
"Are you really going to buy a DVD player because it now costs ?39.10 instead of ?39.90?". Well are you?

Himself - Team Captain:
That's taking VAT off. They said it was a hopeless gesture. They are jolly rude.

Ken Livingstone:
If they'd have increased the VAT by 2.5 percent they'd say it's the end of civilisation as we know it. But when they take it off they say it makes no bloody difference.

Ian:
It's like being in Hot Gossip!

Arlene:
Are you wearing stockings and suspenders?

Paul:
[Nearly chokes on his drink] Give us a bit of warning, will you!

Paul:
[Using a fake cockney accent] I've been down the Collider!

David:
[Talking about a painting dog] The pictures can fetch up to ?1,000, while the artist can fetch a stick and a rubber ball!

Jo:
Good evening. I'm Jo Brand. Welcome to Have I Got Election News For You. Especially recorded after Election Night, so we'd know exactly what the final outcome was. [laughter] Well, that worked! [More laughter] On the kind of day that makes our political system the envy of the world yes, we've got no Government! [Cheering and applause]

Paul:
Does that mean we can do what we like?

Jo:
Yes!

Jo:
On Paul's team is one of the few politicians who knows what the future holds for him [laughter] A regular slot bantering with Jeff Stelling in Dictionary Corner! [More laughter] Please welcome Lembit Opik! [Applause]

Jo:
Ian and Jon, take a look at this. [Cut to footage of voter queuing at a polling station]

Ian:
People wanting to vote!

Jon:
Unmanageable turnout of 65%. [laughter]

Ian:
What do they think this is, South Africa? Get out of there! [Cut to people with ballot boxes] That's the Lib Dem vote being chucked in the river!

Ian:
[Over a shot of Jacqui Smith] Goodbye, go watch a film. One of your husband's.

Ian:
It's very exciting. We've got a new Prime Minister - Gordon Brown. You've never voted for him before, and you didn't vote for him this time! [Applause] So, Democracy working damn well, I think!

Jon:
Does this mean this is going to carry on?

Ian:
What, this show? God!

Jon:
[to Lembit] It's good that you're not dwelling on it.

Lembit:
I am completely over it.

Ian:
After 19 years is it, presumably...?

Lembit:
13 years and 4 days... roughly. I mean, I'm not counting, but...

Paul:
Somebody was!

Jo:
The overwhelmingly indecisive outcome of the election. In fact, we only know one result for sure, don't we, Lembit! [laughter]

Lembit:
Could we get on with this? I've actually got an appointment in the Job Centre in about half an hour!

Paul:
They phoned earlier - they cancelled! [Applause]

Jon:
There is this view that families deserve all the tax breaks. They're married with kids - they've already got a reason to go home! [laughter] The tax cuts should go to people like me, so I could buy more DVDs to forget I exist for two hours a day!

Lembit:
[On Esther Rantzan losing her deposit] Someone has to say it - That's Life! [Audience Groans]

Lembit:
The great thing about losing my seat is I can take a fee for this now, instead of getting this kind of abuse for nothing! [laughter and applause]

Jo:
The results are in, and the people have spoken. The final result is still up in the air, unlike UKIP's plane! [Applause]

Ian:
That's good, they're clapping a plane crash!

Paul:
I think there's a mood in this audience today, which is a mood of "Thank God it's over for a bit, and let's just take the piss out of the whole business". I think that's the mood of this audience! [Cheering] So you're very lucky you haven't come to see the Antiques Roadshow!

Lembit:
Apparently, the plane crash was caused by the banner they were towing mixing up with the prop at the front. I mean, how slowly were they going? Backwards?

Paul:
Loop the loop maybe?

Lembit:
It still doesn't work.

Ian:
I'm interested in the human story of what Lembit is going to do now.

Jo:
Go for it, then.

Lembit:
Are there any head hunters in the audience? I've always wanted to do whatever it is you're looking for... I don't know yet.

Ian:
It's brutal, democracy, isn't it?

Lembit:
No, but you are! [audience react] You were horrible to me the *last* time I was on the show as well.

Ian:
I don't believe it! It's the sort of lies you politicians tell!

Lembit:
I'm not a politician! [Cheering and applause]

Chris Addison:
I don't understand why journalists don't appear to be able to see what the definition of a coalition is. "These two people don't appear to be in the same party, how can they be in a coalition?" It wouldn't be a coalition if they were in the same party, it'd be a majority government you thick bunch of bastards.

Martin Clunes:
Mirror Journalist Jason Beattie wrote, "Cameron is our 53rd Prime Minister... but for how long?". Forever d*ckhead, the next one will be the 54th.

Paul Merton:
I'm not in one of John Simpson's trips am I? I'm sitting here with a tub of lard trying to answer questions in German.